1 single mom + 5 kids = A beautiful life

Giving Praise

2011-11-19T23:27:00.000-08:00

It has been a very very long tough week. Well let's be honest the past 6 weeks have been rough.
Sick kids, sick me, back to sick kids.

Work has been DRAMA central. I belong to a union and there was so much drama they are now involved and there are weekly facilitated meetings to try to work everything out. The meeting on Friday made me so upset that I walked out crying with in the first half hour. I had to go text my mom for prayer. Then I sat at my desk and prayed. I was so upset. I am way better now but not really looking forward to work Monday. I did gain a little respect from some other co-workers. That is always a plus :)

If you read my last post life it's pretty much been the same this week.

The Sped teacher for Little Man is just not doing his job. A month from the IEP meeting and I still don't have an IEP in my hands. Sped teacher admitted on Thursday that he hadn't even started writing it yet. Are you kidding me? Oh and the paperwork I asked to have them fill out for testing ... they got it to me a day later than I asked and only half filled out. Really? I feel like they want my son to fail :( I know not the case but come on people do your job. There our plenty of teachers with out jobs that would take yours in a minute.

The Ex issues are bigger ... the school counselor rocks and came to my work to talk. She knows my time is limited and knew I couldn't afford to miss work. (God is good) The conversation went well and pretty much how I expected it to. Child protective services will be called. I am not even sure I want to go into full details here. I can say that I am anxious about the entire situation. One never knows how the ex will react to things. He either does an about face and pulls his head out of his butt (at least temporarily) or he gets angrier and worse in his behaviors. I am hoping for the first and that is is permanent.

Even with the kind of week I had I am still giving Praise to my Heavenly Father. :) Never an easy thing to do when all you really want to do is tell the world where to shove it and crawl into a bed. God is just growing me up (again). Building character in me. James 1 is a great example of giving praise in times of turmoil.
I will continue to Praise the Lord :) In good times and in bad.

Pluses about this week ...
Princess is feeling better (she was the latest sick kid in this house)
Even though I thought it was going to kill me to stand my Mommy ground I did it. :) I had grounded Turtle and was going to cave in due to exhaustion from my very long week and not wanting to deal with more attitude from her. I didn't cave and she apologized. YAY a mommy victory!
A very nice coworker who knows my financial situation has offered the kids and I a food basket from his church for Thanksgiving. He was afraid to ask if I wanted it cause he didn't want to embarrass me. :( I am so blessed that he did ask and that I let my pride go and excepted it. I have learned that God provides for me in the craziest of ways and I need to except when it happens.
Even though the meeting was tough at work. I prayed. I regained my composure. Went back in and was able to get my points across later in the meeting. A huge achievement for me as it is very hard for me to speak up in general ... let alone an environment that is very hostile.
DUDE I am alive :) Just getting to be alive is a pretty awesome thing. I survived the week.

I was looking at some comments before I posted this and I came across one that had been left under this post. Can I just tell you I don't remember writing that post but I do remember why I was so upset. I am so glad God let me go through that time. He let me go through that time to grow. Just like I am going through things now. Yes they are different now cause He is working on other things in me. What is even way cooler to me ... the comments I have been getting lately have all had the same theme. Single moms struggling and finding my blog. My blog that has given them hope and encouragement. God used me ... me! Little Ol' Me to bless other people. My story and struggles are helping others. God is using my struggles to not only build me up but to build others up. What an amazing God. :) I will take struggles any day of the week if it means that my struggles and my love for the Lord can help another person.

Oh another plus ... I finished all of my Excel homework. Just have my final exam on Dec. 5. I am so very happy that I do not have any more homework in that class. That is some hard stuff to learn. LOL

Off to bed ...

Sick, Learning Disorders, and Ex Issues

2011-11-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to post for a week or so. I have stuff to say ... then I got sick. I have been sick for a week and let me tell you I am so over being sick. I am tired of coughing. I am so not doing well with minimal sleep (from the coughing). Having a 15 month old that is cutting 3 molars is not helping in the sleep area.

Life has been good. Even as I type this life is good. I have to had the BUT .... but it has been crazy. Seriously every time I move a step closer to God I find myself under major attack from the enemy. Life was nice and calm for a little while there. Now it is just crazy insane nonsense. Pardon my jumbled thoughts I think I might be a little rusty and typing out my thoughts. LOL

I am trying deal with Little Man probably having a learning disability and ADD. Even though I have always known in the back of my mind that he might have ADD it is still like a kick to the gut. I question what I may have done. Why didn't I have him tested sooner. Typical mom feelings when she finds out something is wrong with her child. Real quick background ... Little Man is not and has not been a typical child. I have known since he was about 2 that he was extremely intelligent. Not just intelligent but brilliant. At 3 I read him Go Dog Go before bed one night. The next night he told me what was on each page before I could even read it to him. School was a struggle. I had teachers calling me and telling me he was immature in Kinder and 1st grade. He couldn't sit still. He was a distraction. At the end of his 3rd grade year I was asked to come in and discuss Little Man's issues with reading and writing. I agreed to testing and we put him on an IEP. Three years later my son can't write at anything better than a 2nd to 3rd grade level. He is in 7th grade.

Is it the school's fault? Is it my fault? Why can't he write? No one explains to you the IEP process. As a parent you are thrown into a world that you don't understand and the school says they will take care of it. Learning accommodations are put on paper but I am learning that they have never been implemented. At least not for my son. If I had been in a better more stable place in the past 5 years I would have researched more for my son. I would have been paying attention to what was and wasn't happening for him at school and with his learning.

Three weeks ago I had his IEP meeting. Same complaints as usual. He can't write. He doesn't turn in his work. He fidgets in class. One teacher even asked if he could be using a computer in her class. My response was well it's in his accommodations but no one has ever offered it to him. GRRR!!! I left the meeting feeling frustrated. I went to work and started sharing with co-workers (I work for a school district). Advice started flying and now I am on a major mission to make changes for my son.

In the last 3 weeks I have learned through test score that my son took in the 4th grade that he is smart. I mean like uber freakin smart. At 9 years old my son tested at a college level for oral expression. In math he tested at an 8th grade level in 4th grade. Even though I have always known in my mom heart how smart he is it was still a huge shock to see it on paper. I sat in complete shock for about 15 minutes. Sadly those same tests showed that his writing ability was in the 1st grade level.

I am pretty sure my son falls into this Twice Exceptional category. After spending a lot of time talking with my son and looking back over the past few years I am pretty sure he has Dysgraphia. I am in the process of filling out paperwork to have him tested at the research center here in town. It's taken 3 weeks to even get the paperwork from them. It will be another 3 before an appointment is scheduled and then I am told it can be a 6 month wait before the actual appointment. :( In the mean time I have asked for an advocate to come with me to the school and help get more accommodations for him and actually have them followed.

Just the issues with Little Man have been draining on me. I feel as though I am a walking zombie with this cold. I keep asking the Lord for strength to get through everything and just when I think I am taking a step forward something else pops up.
Last night it was an email from Turtle. The kids go to their dads Sun-Tues. I pick them up on Wed from school. Normally Turtle has her cell phone but she just happened to get grounded before she left to the Ex's on Sun. So she basically tells me in her email that once again they were not allowed to go home after school. Turtle called him from the school office at 4 to find out what they were supposed to do. He told them to walk down to the supermarket and wait there. So they did and they waited 45 minutes. Since she didn't have her phone and it was getting dark she and Little Man walked to a friends house to call their dad. He got upset with them for leaving the store and yelled at them. She then said it took another 20 minutes before he picked them up.
This is not the first time he has told them they are not allowed to go home after school. In fact it happens almost every week. His reason why ... cause his girlfriend who he lives with is sleeping. She works nights. However her daughter who is also in middle school gets to go home right after school. Are you kidding me??? My children are left at school or to wander the streets for 2 hours after school but hers gets to go home??
So Turtle went to the school counselor today to discuss the problem. I spent 20 minutes talking to the counselor tonight on the phone. The only reason she did not call CPS was because she knows me and wanted to discuss the situation with me first.
So now the counselor is calling the Ex to talk with him. She agrees with me that my kids are not in a safe place when they are with their dad. (Someone remind me to blog about the 4th of July and what happened with the Ex) I am expecting major fall out with the Ex. He is either going to take his anger out on me, the kids, or all of us. :( The counselor and I agreed that if that is the case then a call to CPS will be made. :(

I would love to have my kids full time if it meant they were safe and my Ex would stop being a abusive jerk to me and them. However I don't think I have what it takes right now for a custody battle. :( I know that God has a plan in all of this. I know HE will take care of my kids and me. But gosh darn it I am human and I lack faith at times.

I believe I have rambled on enough for the night. LOL I need to take my coughing sick self to bed. I need strength emotionally, physically and mentally for the battle I will need to fight in the upcoming days and months.

Man I miss blogging. I need to start taking a day of rest and spend it doing things I love. Like sewing and writing on here. I know sewing isn't really resting but it is my happy thing that relaxes me. :)

Addicted!!

2011-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness! I am not really sure how I came across my newest addiction. I think I saw it on a few blogs. Just the word. Nothing else. I needed to know what it was. I Googled it. Now I am ADDICTED!!

Have you been to Pinterest yet? Oh my goodness I could spend all day on there looking at all of the pin boards. I have found some amazing recipes, awesome sewing tutorials, and just some awesome cuteness. I started a wedding album with cute ideas ... you know for when my girls get married.

If you are on Pinterest already let me know and I will add you. I seriously think I might need an intervention ...

Other than my new addiction there is not one exciting thing happening in my part of the world. I mean unless you think them totally repaving my neighborhood. My car is parked 4 blocks away as we can't drive on the street. I am working on table pieces for a wedding .... I guess that is exciting. lol I am getting paid a little which is always nice.

I am off to sew

Summer Sewing

2011-08-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

So I was laid off again this past June. No big deal as I was number 2 on the recall list (I was recalled this week). I normally have summers off anyways so getting laid off just meant that I would receive unemployment this year. Which has proven to be very handy as I had no idea how I was going to pay for anything.

Anyways ... with all of my free time I have been sewing, sewing, sewing, and sewing. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE sewing? It makes me so happy inside. :)

The Princess has all sorts of cute dresses ...

I love this fabric!!

Alice

Ariel

Minnie Mouse

Snow White

She has her very own line of Princess dresses to wear. :) Man I am so glad that God blessed me with another daughter. I love sewing for my kids but she makes sewing that much more fun.

My favorite project so far this summer has been the Mickey Mouse quilt. (Do you see a theme here yet?)

I am on a major Disney kick. I love Disney. I want to go to Disneyland like yesterday! It makes me feel all happy inside like sewing does. So I had this crazy idea to make a rainbow colored Mickey Mouse head quilt. I get so excited when I picture something in my head and it turns out even better. :)

Doesn't this just scream Disney World of Color? I want to take this to Disneyland and sit right in front of the castle and have a picnic. I still can't believe that God has given me such an amazing talent. This was a picture in my head. It was colored fabric on bolts in a store. It is now a quilt to cuddle under, have a picnic on, smile while you watch fireworks or your favorite Disney movie. I feel so blessed to be able to create and sew.

The Princess needs me :) She is standing here talking her sweet baby talk. Here is my plug for myself ... If you like any of the things I have made you can purchase them in my Etsy (<---- You know you want to visit) shop. I also do custom orders :) In fact today I will be making 35 table cloths for a wedding that is 10 days away.

No time for a quote today.

2011-07-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

It has been 8 months since I have written.
Kids.
School.
Work.
Sewing.
Church.
Life in general seem to keep me from here. When I started my blog it was mainly to write about life when I couldn't find any other way to deal with things. God now plays a huge role in my life ... blogging has taken a back seat. I miss my blog. I miss writing. I have been wanting to come back and write again just haven't found the time. Mini-me even said that I need to write again. Just to write.

So life is good. :) 8 months of life has passed and I can say pretty much drama free. I have been blessed countless times over the past few months. God really has been taking care of me. I have healed a few sore spots on my heart and life. I still have a lot more to work on. Areas I could write about and I hope to write about.

Maybe I will come back this evening and write more ... I noticed that someone missed me :) and I have a few new followers. I am glad that even though I don't blog as much as I used to my blog has been an encouragement to others. :) Praise the Lord for using my struggles to help others see that they can make it through!!

Princess turned 1 this past Friday .... and boy has she grown since I last wrote. Leaving you all with a picture of her. Off to make dinner, pick up the house and sew.

At the zoo 3 days before her 1st Birthday

Fall & Baby B

2010-11-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Baby B will be dedicated Thanksgiving weekend. I decided that she needed a cute picture for the day. So we took a little trip out to a friends house to take some.

Who would of guessed that a 3 1/2 month old would love the leaves so much.

She was not very happy that we wouldn't let her eat them.

She made a dive for them and got a few. Which had us laughing.

After many attempts for her to sit on her own and keep the leaves out of her mouth we got a cute picture.

This girl is just just melts my heart. All of my kids do but you know what I mean. I wish I had more time to write but we have a busy day ahead of us. I have a nice line up of sewing jobs. (YAY!! Go Me!) I might actually get my sewing business off the ground.

Turning 36

2010-10-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

In just a little over 4 hours I will be turning 36. I have been feeling good about this until this morning and I had a small panic moment. I am no longer in my early 30's I am in my my mid/late 30's. Whoa Nelly how did this happen. I don't really feel 36 ... I am not sure I look 36 ... and really it's not like 36 is old. I feel pretty darn good most days.

I started to feel better about turning 36 until I was on my way home from work. That 20 minute drive is just enough time to let my mind wander. Today it wandered down that yucky path I like to call Negativity Lane. I thought to myself ... I am going to be 36. I am single. I have 5 kids. What are the chances that I will find a good man? ... like a really good man. What are the chances I will get married before I am 40? I started to get down on myself and the chances that I will ever find anyone. Then I tuned back into the real world and heard the following lyrics blasting from my stereo ....

I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.

blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.

~Brett Dennen

Why am I freaking out? I am a beautiful. I am strong. I am a pretty kick butt mom. Someone will come along and love me and my babies. :) If it doesn't happen before I turn 40 so be it. I've been single for four years ... what's another four.

36 you don't scare me. I am going to embrace you and squeeze every ounce of life out of you. The good and bad. Bring on the gray hairs (already found one this month). Bring on the wrinkles ... they won't be from crying, frowning or pouting they will be from the smiles and laughing.

I couldn't decide on just one quote to end my post tonight so I leave you with a few ...

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? ~Satchel Paige

Good Times ...

2010-10-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Where to start ... It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Life is going well over in my world. :)

My faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds. Since March when I returned to church full time I have seen so many amazing things happen in my life (and my kids). I lost my home but God gave us a new one. I literally had no money yet He has provided in numerous ways ... from my Church paying a bill for us, to random money showing up from my insurance company, and random people at church (that I barely know) putting money in my pocket and whispering in my ear that they felt led to give it to me.

Our Pastor often says "God is Good" and the congregation replies with "All the Time". He then says "All the Time" and we say back "God is Good". Even on days where things seem impossible to me or the kids you will hear one of us say one of the above and the rest of us say the other part back. Seriously God is good. :)

I won't lie things are hard being a single mom (to 5). Mini-me had a cold this last weekend. Since she watches the baby daily guess who caught the cold ... that's right Baby B. Now Turtle has it. I am guessing the boys and I will soon get it. It sucks but to put a positive spin on it ... we've gotten at least one sickness out of the way for the season ahead. LOL Even with my faith I still have times where I am freaking out about everything and how is God going to take care of it.

I honestly can't remember how much I wrote about the troubles I was having at work at the start of the year but things have so changed. I was so dreading going back to work. Like seriously cried about it. Not just because I didn't want to leave my baby girl or that pumping would be hard but because I just don't get along with a certain person at work. I was expecting the worst but all I can say is that God has done some major changes. Changes in me and my attitude that I am sure is playing a part in this. We got a new boss and she is making some changes of the good kind. :) I admit it still not that place I want to be working at but I am seeing that I am there for a reason.

The Coach is still a tard and I don't have a whole lot to say on that. The Ex is also a tard but again nothing new there. Mini-me and I have agreed that we need to start documenting everything when it comes to both of them. You know just in case either of them decide to follow through with the threats they make.

If you have followed my blog for a while this might come as a shock to you like it did me. The Jeans and I haven't talked much over the last few months as life is just uber busy. We finally caught up the other night and I was sent into a state of shock when he told me that he was going to be a daddy. :-o I know that I have mentioned in previous writings that I know he and I will never be together but man that hurt. I cried. I was angry. I shared with him my feelings. Not surprising that the way I am feeling is the same way he felt when I told him I was pregnant with Baby B. It made me sad when he told me that he doesn't even love the woman. Made my heart break when he told me that he never thought he would have kids with anyone but me. He apologized over and over again. I know in my heart that he is not the man that God wants me to be with but it still hurts. No matter how things turn out between us I will always love him.

As for my sewing stuff and getting a business going ... it's been slow going. Working full time has made it hard to sew as much as I would like. On the plus side ... there are a few people at church that know my desire to start my business so they have been getting the word out that I sew. I am currently working on altering a bridesmaid dress, replacing a zipper in a hooded jacket, making tutu center pieces for a baby shower and a baby quilt for that baby shower. :-o I made Mini-me a tutu this week for a photo shoot for her dance job.

I know I suck at putting up the birth story of Baby B. and I know I need to update with pictures. I am hoping that I can get to that in the next few weeks. Oh oh two last things ... My sister had her 2nd baby on Oct. 1st. and I got to be there for the birth. YAY! Birth is such an amazing thing. Last thing .... My birthday is this upcoming Wed. YAY!! Even though I found another gray hair this past week I don't feel like I am going to be 36 and I learned I don't look like I am. Someone thought I was 25 this week. Whoo hoo

I wish I had more time to blog. I always feel so good after getting everything out. :)

"God is Good"

"All the Time"

The Return To Work and Life

2010-09-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

Oh man I feel like I horrible blogger. I spent the last few weeks of my summer enjoying my babies ... all 5 of them. The Ex has been a bit of a thorn in my side about things. I can't even write about it now because I will get all upset again. Blah

Tuesday was my 1st day back at work. Talk about killer emotionally. I have never had to leave one of my babies at this young of an age. Mini-me I left when she was just over 3 months. The other 3 I never had to leave. Poor Baby B was just 7 weeks yesterday. I have never had to pump my breast milk before and that was not an easy thing to get going. Mini-me is a rockin older daughter and takes care of Baby B every day while I am at work. The first two days were rough on both of the girls. I came home to some crying. :( The last two days have been better. I even have the pumping thing down at work. And let me just tell you pulling your boobs out at work and attaching a suction machine to it is pretty darn awkward. LOL

I am still looking for a new job as I am not fully happy with the position I am in. If I could transfer back to where I was 2 years ago I would be so very happy. As much as I want to go back I know that God has me where I am for a reason. Not sure what that reason is but I know he has some sort of plan.

The Coach has made contact with me once I believe since my last post. See I am a bad blogger I can't remember anything I posted last time. He still hasn't seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. Honestly I like it this way. I don't need or want his abusive behaviors in our lives. I have filed the paper work with the DA's office to get child support going ... however I don't think I will ever see any money from him.

Hmm what else has been going on ... I am still poorer than poor. Phones were turned off for a day as I couldn't afford the bill. Scrounged every last penny we had to get them turned back on and still have money for rent. I am praying about how I will pay the Oct. rent. I only get paid once a month, on the 15th. I won't get my first paycheck until Oct 15. This will be an interesting few months playing catch up on bills and such.

I have been thinking about filing bankruptcy. Spoke with an attorney but she wants $1500 to do it all. If I had that kind of money I would pay some of my bills. LOL I can try to file with out an attorney but I am nervous about screwing it up. :( Something needs to be done soon though.

I swear someday I will get around to posting Baby B's birth story. :) Trying to adjust to going back to work. Just when I get this routine down I will start classes again at the college. Ha ha ha ... yes I am that crazy. I am taking classes online this term so I don't have to be away from home.

Hi to my new readers :) I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.

I am off to cuddle my sweet little one some more. She is curled into a ball on my chest right now.

You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God. ~Author Unknown

Sometimes ...

2010-08-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

One handed typing and need to vent ...

Even with my faith in God I struggle daily.
Money is so seriously non existant around here I want to cry.
I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent for Sept.
Mini-me is not working and neither am I.
Even when I go back to work my first paycheck won't come in until Oct.
That means Oct rent is impossible to pay and then there are the bills that are stacking up. :(

As if money wasn't stressing me out enough I have an Ex husband who is a jerk and a half and that is putting it nicely.
I seriously should not be allowed to pick the next man I date (if I ever date again). I have a horrible man picker. :(
So my move has put the kids out of the boundries for the schools they have gone to for years.
The Ex has decided with his girlfriend that Little Bird should go to a different school by him.
I (and the kids) want to put in for a transfer and stay at the schools they have gone to.
The Ex came to my house Sat to drop off boys and started yelling at me ... when asked to leave he got louder. At that moment I was wishing my police officer neighbor was home ... sigh
Today when he came to get the kids he said some things that were just not appropriate to say to the kids ... that had to do with the fight he and I had Sat. :(
Now I get a lengthy email telling me how he called the School District and how he is insisting the kids use his home addy for school. He still insists Little Bird goes to the school he wants him to.

I am so tired of men telling me how I am going to raise MY children. It would be different if they were "real" fathers who actually contributed to the lives of their children. The Ex only does things for the kids at his convenience ... or in typical divorced parent fashion to make me look bad. Cause you know its a competition on who does or gives the kids the most. :(

He called me white trash on Sat. and told me that I was a failure as a parent because I didn't throw Little Bird a birthday party or plan one for him. :( I know this shouldn't hurt me as I know I am not a failure as a parent nor am I white trash but it does. :( I already struggle with the fact that I can't provide things like birthday parties for my kids ... I work, go to school and raise kids while he goes to school and lives off his girlfriend and unemployment. GRRR

I am just struggling :( I love God and I know without a doubt he will provide for me and my babies. I know that I should not worry about the money, The Ex being a jerk or anything else but dang it I do. Sometimes I just want to holler and cry at God. I want to ask why? and please show me what you have planned but I know that is pointless. He is using all of these things to build me up ... to refine me. *sigh*

I need Prayer ... I would ask for money lol but not sure anyone is willing to just send that to me or pay my bills. Hey I still have a sense of humor :) I need to find time to sew and get my stuff on Etsy .... then I need to have faith that it will sell.

Ok going to bed as my sweet Baby B will be up soon to nurse.

I go back to work in 2 weeks ... I have no one to watch the baby and oh then there is the matter of money to pay someone to watch her. SIGH :( Learning to pump my milk the last 2 days has been a challenge.

More later ...

Oh So Cute ...

2010-08-17T22:28:00.000-07:00


Sweet Baby B smiling in her car seat as I did my hair this morning.

My Big brother and I ... I believe I was 7 weeks old.

( I had a big head LOL)

Half asleep on my couch with a baby sprawled across my lap. Just wanted to share a picture of her from this morning and one of me when I was a baby. I can see now why everyone thinks she looks like me ... I still see a lot of her dad in her expressions.

A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer. ~Author Unknown

(and I am so blessed to have 3 daughters)

Settling in to our new life ...

2010-08-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

I think we are settled in for the most part.
Moving was chaotic and stressful to me and Mini-me but it is over. Unpacking is still a work in progress. Our new place is smaller so finding a place for everything is a bit of a challenge.

Baby B is doing wonderful. :) As of last Friday at her 2 week check-up she was 6lbs 10oz (up 6oz from birth) and she was 19 inches long (up a half an inch from birth). She is just a tiny little thing.
Her favorite spot is on my chest curled into a tight ball. Today she was fussing while on my shoulder I slid her down a little pushed her legs under her and she instantly stopped eyes closed and she was out. So sweet *sigh*

The Coach is a loser. I know I know not very nice to say but oh so true for so many reasons. He has not seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. He texted me when she was 10 days old. Instructing me to set up a time to meet with him so we could go over a parenting plan. Ummm hello parent-that-doesn't-really-give-a-crap Baby B is not leaving my side anytime soon.
After sending the same text to me on day 14 and day 17 of Baby B's life he finally called and told me that I had to make time to meet with him. Ha ha ha ... My response was not one that he liked very much.

I would really like to tell him where he can shove it however I am trying to treat him as God would. Not an easy task I tell ya. Sigh If he wants to see Baby B he needs to pull his head out of his butt and call me and ask to come see her. Unless God preforms a miracle I don't see The Coach changing anytime soon.

I have sent in the paperwork to get child support started. Doubt I will see any money anytime soon but I want him to realize he is not going to walk all over me anymore.

As for Baby B's birth story I am getting to it I promise. :) More pictures or maybe a video will be posted also. I can't believe that I had a baby 3 weeks ago and moved across the city when she was 10 days old ... and we both survived lol.

Money ... well I would say money is tight but that is an understatement lol. I received a surprise check from the insurance company however it was gone before I could get it to the bank. :( I am seriously fully relying on God to provide for us.

I am off to feed a baby and deal with an 11 year old boy who is testing my patience. LOL

Moving ...

2010-08-03T13:59:00.001-07:00

Crazy chaos will give details later.

Moving is hard.
Moving out of your home of 11 years hurts.
Moving with 12 day old baby ... and feeling useless as I can't do much.

Need major prayer about money as I have $500 to make it to Oct. and I got a cancelation notice on my car insurance today and my phone. :( Mini-me lost job last week so there is no income happening her.

Typing one handed need to change baby B.
Will update soon.

The choas of my house.

2010-07-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

It has been go go go since Baby B was born. The day she was born we put our application in for a house. Have been waiting patiently (ok not totally patient) to hear back if we were approved.

Signed away my house yesterday :( That was an emotional moment for me. Yes I actually cried.
Closing on the house is Friday. Yes as in like 2 days.

As of this morning I still hadn't heard about the house we applied for. About 10am I found out we were approved. PRAISE THE LORD!! Was told we could move in Friday. Was very excited.

As the day progressed I was told we can't move in Friday. UGH We are getting housing assistance and they have to inspect the house before we can move in. They can't inspect it until next week. NOOOOOO ....

Back to major praying. Where do I store my stuff for 5 days? Where do I live with 5 kids until it is inspected? Sigh

Then I am told by realtor that there might be a delay on closing. I will know more tomorrow. I asked her if it would be wrong of me to Pray that there will be a delay. LOL She said no and she is praying for the same thing.

It has been a crazy few days. Mini-me and Little Bird both have dance camp all week. Mini-me is at the studio 3 times a day. So she can't do much packing. Have friends here now doing the packing. Garage is pretty cleaned up. Have a huge pile on the side of the house waiting for a trailer to go to the dump.

I have total Faith in God that He is going to work this all out. Is it stressful? Yes
Am I glad that God is working in me and on me and that I am growing from this? Yes :)
How else would I be a better person if I didn't have these rough times to go through.

Baby B is a nursing champ. Seriously the girl loves to nurse. Maybe she is making up for being so small at birth. :) She loves to cuddle and be in my arms. Loves when I play worship music and sing to her. :)

She is beckoning me now. I promise when we get settled I will post her birth story and more pictures.

Just a quick pic ...

2010-07-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

Just driving by my own blog to post a picture of the newest family member :) I am so seriously head over heals in love with this girl.
Thank you all for the congrats. :)

Baby B has arrived ..

2010-07-23T00:36:00.001-07:00

One hour and one minute after my last post Baby B made her arrival in to the world. :)
She was born at 7:53 pm (PST).
She weighs 6lbs 4oz
She is 18 1/2 inches long
Apgars were 6 and 8 (she had some struggles)
and can I just say cuter than all get out. :)

She had a little trouble breathing and was a little blue but after some vigorous rubbing she got to crying and pinked up. :) She is a champion at nursing.

Mini-me got to attend the birth even after I originally said no LOL. I declined to cut the cord and let Mini-me do it. :) Talk about a special moment.

I will post pictures and a full birth story soon. Along with how I told The Coach and his reaction. LOL

Thank you all so much really for the positive comments and support. I really couldn't be more blessed in my life. :)

Oh and my other kids are IN LOVE with their new baby sister.

Guess where I am?

2010-07-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

If you guessed the hospital you are the winner but there is no prize for this game. LOL
Went to the Dr. around 1pm my time. Had her check me and do another sweep of my membranes. Got me to around 4 cm and a free pass to the hospital. :)
Got here and checked in around 4pm. Water was broken about 45 minutes later. Since I had my water broken and wasn't super dilated it is going to take a little longer than my other kids but eh that's ok.

I'm having a baby!!!

I will post more soon :)

Thank you all for the support. It means so much to me.

My ESP, a Vent, and Baby/House news

2010-07-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

Oh where to start ... Just over an hour ago I walked into Mini-me's room and said ...
"I have this very bizarre feeling that The Coach will contact me soon"

Came to my room sat on the bed with my laptop. Phone next to me and about 15 minutes later it lights up with a text from who else but The Coach. I screamed "Oh My Gosh" in such a way that Mini-me yelled back "Oh my gosh did your water just break?"

I told her no that she had to come look at my phone and she started freaking out. She accused me of contacting him LOL. It is a bit freaky that I have some strange ability to sense when things are going to happen.

So it's been somewhere between 12-14 weeks since of no contact on his part. Well minus the day I met him for lunch ... about 7 weeks ago now. That was the day he proceeded to tell me he wants to go to the rest of the Dr. appointments. After much prayer on my part I called and left him a message the night before the appointment. Texted him on the way to the appointment. I believe I posted all of this. Did he show? Did he call? Did he text? Oh that would be NO No and no. So in my eyes everything he said that day was a lie.

Now tonight at 10:30pm. 9 days before my due date he has the freakin nerve to text me and say the follow ...
"Hey I just wanted 2 check on u. Dont kno where u stand but I still wanna kno wuts goin on and be there. B nice 2 talk again. Hope you and Dani r healthy ... "
(umm yes that is exactly how he texted it to me ... He is a 35 yr old man that texts like he is 16)

Please forgive me Lord ... BUT ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? A text message. Not a phone call. At 10:30 at night. Not during the day or early evening when most people contact other people. He wants to check on me? For what? He has not had one ounce of interest since he got a new girlfriend. It would be nice to talk to me? Hmm well the last I checked talking meant you had to CALL not text. What could we possibly talk about? How he still hasn't gotten a job for the summer? How he promises to be around for Dani when she is born. Or how we need to work out a parenting plan? Oh maybe he will finally tell me he has a girlfriend. Oh oh oh I got it ... he wants to talk so he can tell me he misses me and the good times. HA HA HA And he hopes we are healthy ... uh huh I am glad that has been a huge concern the last 14 weeks.

Ok I feel way better getting that off my chest. I have not responded to his text. I paced back and forth in my hallway for a good 20 minutes. I vented a crap load to Mini-me who reminded me to Pray Pray Pray. I love that girl. I do not plan on responding to his text unless God gives me His words to say. I know that there is no way that I could respond in a nice way at all. He will get a phone call from me after the baby is born.

Speaking of the baby ... I spent most of my night contracting. Major ones that kept me awake and tossing and turning. I got about 3 hours sleep. And because this is my blog I am just going to be gross so if you don't want to read the gross stuff skip to the next paragraph now ... I lost a huge chunk of bloody show this morning and a ton more this evening and tonight. Seriously I hope I am making some progress on the dilating and effacing front.

I am going to call my Dr. in the morning and ask to come in and be checked. She is on call and said if I was having ANY contractions to call. LOL I believe that 4 in an hour counts and with the gross stuff I mentioned above it is worth a call. :)

I fully believe by this time tomorrow night (Thursday night) I will be holding my sweet baby girl. If I am not I will be very very surprised.

On the house front ... I found two places last night while I was online and called first thing this morning. One of them didn't except housing assistance which sucked cause the house is in the area we want to live. The second house "may" accept the housing assistance and it is about 15-20 minutes from where we live now. My kids would have to be driven to school everyday and my drive to work and the college would be long.

They got me in to view the house with in the hour of calling them. To my surprise the house is in a neighborhood that is adorable. There is a police officer in the house right next door. AND AND AND ... The house is exactly what I have been looking for (minus location). Size perfect. Lots of kitchen cabinets. Hardwood floors throughout. Two car garage (and it's large) with laundry hook ups in it. The master bedroom even has a small half bath. :-o That would mean no more waiting outside the bathroom door lol.

The lady at the property company was so so so nice. I explained everything to her. About being pregnant and due any minute with an induction set for Monday. I told her about the house selling and my credit situation. The housing assistance and needing to be out of my house by the 28th. She suggested writing a letter explaining my situation to the owner of the house and she will include it with our applications. She said she will pass it by the owner and the manager of the property company before I pay for the application fees. Just in case the owner won't accept the housing assistance. I had already planned on writing a letter but her suggesting it made me feel even better.

So I filled out the apps for Mini-me and I and wrote a letter and emailed it all to the lady. Now I pray that if it's the right house God will work everything out for us. :) I really don't want to be that far out from where we live now but I am totally trusting that God has this all taken care of.

I hope that my next blog post has a picture of me holding a baby girl. :) Or me updating to say that I am in labor and then me holding her. :)

Oh Baby ...

2010-07-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am officially 38 weeks and just shy of 4 days pregnant . A record in the land of pregnancies for me.

My Dr. has been on vacation since July 2nd and was very surprised to see me this morning. She said when she got home on Sunday night she went through the files to see if I had given birth and figured that somehow I had given birth the day before or was giving birth then and she hadn't been updated yet. We are just floored that I am still pregnant.

I have been dilated at 1cm and 50% effaced for over 3 weeks. Thought for sure with all of the contractions I would deliver weeks ago. However this sweet baby has decided she is hanging out now and likes it in there.

My Dr. went ahead and stripped my membranes today. Hoping to jump start labor as I have been cramping and contracting since Thursday. I wish I could report that I was in labor now but sadly I am not. I am having some more intense contractions but nothing regular. Well they might be regular but I am not timing them. If they continue for a but longer I will time them.

I spent most of my day walking. I walked the mall. Walmart. My neighborhood. I took my car to the car wash and vacuumed it out.

If this sweet baby decides to stay in I will be induced Monday morning at 8am. I am not super thrilled to go this route. The thought of pitocin to start contractions freaks me out. :( It means they won't let me up to move around much ... which I will not be happy with.

My Dr. is on call Thursday. She told me if I have ANY contractions that seem some what regular to come in and she will check me again. I think that if I have not had her by Thursday afternoon or show no signs of having her I am going to call the Dr. anyways and discuss the induction.

If I am dilated Monday morning to say a 3-4 then I will just ask her to strip the membranes again. If I am a 2-3 I am going to ask if we can start with Cervidal on the cervix to see if that will start things. I just hate the thought of jumping right into the Pit. :(

If I am lucky this baby will do what Little Man did. I went in on a Fri. was told to come in that Monday for the Cervidal. To everyones surprise I was at 4cm and in labor. :-o

That is my jumbled rambling for the day. Oh wait ... we still have not found a place to live. We have to be out of the house next Wed. Yes that would be 2 days after my induction. Oh Baby!! My faith is still there but I will be honest I am worried. Praying my heart out for a house.

Ahh one last thing ... No I am not telling The Coach about any of this. He will be called after the baby arrives. I don't want him at the birth or evening knowing I am in labor. Do I feel bad about this? For the most part no. I have a little tiny sliver ... I mean like one of those slivers you get but you can't see ... of guilt that he won't be there but that is just because I still love him and wanted the birth a certain way. He has chosen the path he is on ... not me.

There are 5 ladies at Church that know because I needed prayer. My friends Grr and L both know because they are my labor buddies. My mom knows well cause she is my mom and The Ex knows so that he can be prepared to take the kids. I am not telling any other friends or family members. I am trying to keep this as low key as possible.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us. ~Socrates

Joyful Summer Nights

2010-07-16T23:12:00.001-07:00

It's been an emotional few days for me. I am seriously ready to meet this baby.
I have 11 days now to find a place to live and move out of my home of 11 years. I have yet to find us a safe place to call our new home.
Not having a job during the summer months always stresses me out. The lack of income is scary for me. I do have money set aside but with having to move and a new baby I worry.
I have God and that is where I have put all of my worries, stresses and fears. My faith is still intact and even though I see no hope I know that He has a plan for us and will take care of us.

On Monday it will be 11 years to the exact day that I gave birth to my sweet, cuddly, loving, Little Man. I am still in shock that he will be 11 and entering middle school in just a few short weeks.

In typical mom fashion I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I have come to realize over the last year or so that I don't have typical kids. They don't ask for big parties so they can get lots of gifts. They usually want to just do a lunch or dinner as a family. They ask for one big gift and maybe a couple of smaller ones. What has really surprised me is that they have all started asking for me to make them gifts. It started with Little Bird last August when he asked for a Disney Cars pillow. Not a pillow you sleep with but a throw pillow with a special cover made by me. He asked for another pillow at Christmas time. Mini-me asked for a blankie this past month for her 19th b-day. I am talking like a blankie that she could carry around like a toddler would. With soft fuzzy fabric and a dinosaur print. She has been known to carry it in her purse.

So when I asked Little Man what he wanted it was not surprising to me when he asked me to make him something. He requested a new body pillow with a personalized pillow cover. The boy seriously sleeps with like 4 regular pillows and a body pillow already. He buries himself in them and blankets every night. I spent most of Tuesday and part of Wed. of this week printing off letter templates, tracing, cutting fabric, ironing fabric and sewing it all onto black fabric to make a 20 x 52 pillow covering. Little Man loves origami. He takes origami paper with him everywhere. So what better font to use than an origami font. His name goes across the pillow in shades of yellows and greens. Each letter looks like folded paper. I can't wait to give it to him. :)

He will be getting other gifts but I wanted to do something special for him this year. He asked for a skate party at the skating rink but being that I am 38 weeks pregnant I told him not this year. We live next to the Minor League Baseball stadium. So I surprised him tonight by taking him to the game. Not only was it Friday night Fireworks night but all four of my kids set a World Record. :)

The stadium hosted a Mi Koo Jackson night. At the end of the game everyone was invited out to the field to participate in the first ever large group Moonwalk. Guinness World Records people were on had to witness the account. The group had to do the Moonwalk for 5 minutes straight around the field. Unofficial count was 649 people. So cool to think that my kids just made a bit of history. Silly/fun history but history. :) And memories that they will surely never forget.

Tonight was a good night. I was complimented several times by the people around me about how well behaved my kids are. How nice it was to see siblings that all got along and loved each other. Oh what a great mommy moment. :) My heart swelled with even more love for my kids and my God for trusting them to me.

It's been a long journey over the past 7 years and even though I spent a good bit of time crying the last 2 days. I love life. I love my life. I love that even though it has had some really crappy times I am stronger. God has made a huge change in me and I love it. :) I think about sometimes going back and reading older posts but I don't need to. I can feel the changes I've made without having to go back. :) YAY ME!!

I noticed I have a few new readers/comment leavers. I am so excited about this. I did not start this blog for anyone but me. It was my outlet and still is. I hope that some of my trials and joys can help you along whatever path you are on. :) I apologize up front if I don't respond back to your comments or if I don't leave one on your blog. Do know that I read comments and blogs.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Be Still

2010-07-08T16:38:00.001-07:00

I am not very good at being still. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control I need to do something. It is so hard to just sit and wait. God however has me on this path of being still. I have been on this path for a few months now and I have learned so much about myself and others around me. God really has done some major work on and in me.

I have to personally admit that I am a little tired of being still. LOL I am not questioning God or his timing/plan. I am just starting to feel panicked. I know that this is when He is telling me "HEY SHANNON ... You need to rely on me more now than ever. Trust me. Have Faith. I have it taken care of."
My response back goes something like this ...
"Umm yeah God I do trust you. I have seen everything you have done for me over the past few years but why oh why do you have to take me all the way to the edge like this? Oh wait I know why ... You are building me up. Refining me. Making me stronger and more patient. You are wanting me to fully rely on you no matter what. (In my small little kid voice) ... Please God can I just have this baby soon and can you bring me a new home before I am homeless? I want it to be your time and plan Lord but man I am human and really struggling."

*sigh*

We have to be moved out of the house in 20 days. We have about 15 days to find a place and get it approved for housing assistance before we can move in. I trust God! He really has taken care of me but I am human and I am having a lack of faith moment and starting to panic.

On the baby front I fully believe she has decided to take up permanent residence in there. Saw one of the partners at my Dr.s office today. I am still at 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. Her head is at zero station which is pretty darn low. That explains the pubic bone pain and probably the hip/back pain. You would think with her head that low the pressure would efface me more and dilate the cervix ... sadly no. :( On a good note ... I gained back the 2lbs that I lost plus put on another 1/2lb. I was officially 140lbs today. Total weight gain ... 20lbs. :)

What's really hard about this being still is I am worried about having a baby and moving with in days of each other. It's me. There is no man in my life to help pack. To help move. I have had friends tell me they will help with the move. As will the church. I am sure they will but that requires me asking and I suck at that. I have pride issues. Probably something else God is going to whip right out of me. LOL

On a fun note ... Both Turtle and Little man are playing in softball and baseball tournaments this week. Turtles first game was last night and man on man was it epic. Twice my Turtle was the girl that tied the game up. They had to play 3 innings to break the tie to see who went on to tonights game. Normally they have a 2 hour time limit on these games ... last night was just over 3 hours. Can't wait to see how tonights game goes ... hoping it it isn't as long. LOL It was hard to sit in 90+ degree heat and hold my bladder. LOL

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Still here ...

2010-07-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

I wish I could update and say that I was holding my sweet girl in my arms. However she is still incubating inside of me. I have gotten some sleep the last 2 nights. Thank God! Well minus the normal trip or two to the bathroom. :)

I have done so much walking over the last few days. I am bored out of my mind with it. I know that when it is her time to come out she will. I am just so uncomfortable. :(

Next Dr. appointment is Thursday morning. My Dr. is out of town until the 19th so I get to see the other Dr.'s in the practice. Not sure how those appointments will go. Really what I am hoping for is labor tonight. :)

Tomorrow it is supposed to be 95 degrees. When I am not pregnant that kind of temp makes me sick to my stomach and usually brings on a headache. Top my day off with a softball game for Turtle at 5pm ... the hottest time of the day here. I am going to be one majorly unhappy & I am sure sick pregnant woman. *sigh*

Can't miss her game. I am that mom that will drop anything to be there for her kids. I have to drive her to the game since Mini-me will be attending to Little Bird at his Breakdance class. Only person left to take her ... The Ex ... seriously I think he has missed almost all of her games.

Alrighty it is bed time for me ... been slacking on the quotes with my posts ... makes me a bit sad.

When I do have this sweet little girl I will for sure update here as soon as I can. :) If I can't there is always Mini-me to do it for me.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~Russel Baker

Pre Labor?

2010-07-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

It is currently 11:17pm on July 4th.
It looks like this will be night number 2 of no sleep due to braxton hicks (contractions)

Last night around this time I headed to bed and was excited to sleep. HA!! I quickly passed out but it did not last long. I am guessing maybe 15 minutes or so. I felt a contraction and ignored it. Three of four later I decided to roll over and see if that helped. It didn't help. I tried to ignore them and rest between them but they were hurting.

I was in that half asleep half awake stage ... I finally broke down and looked at my phone for the time. Man I was bummed when I saw that it was only 12:30. I honestly thought I had been laying there for at least 2 hours. I decided to start keeping track of how often I was having them. No real method just lay in bed and when I felt one start look at the time on the phone. My great method let me know I was having them about 3 minutes apart.

Stupid me got excited because they felt just like the contractions I have had with all of my other kids in the middle of the night and then I sleep through them and have the baby the next day.

I was home alone and decided that I should not be. I called Mini-me about 1:30am and asked her to come home. (she is house sitting for The Ex while he and the other kids are on the coast for the 4th) She came home and went to bed. I had been up and walking around the house to see if they contractions would go away (they didn't) but when she came home I went back to laying down. Around 3am I started dozing off. At 4am my friend who is going to be with me for labor texted to see how I was doing. At that point I was having less contractions but major and I mean major cramping. :(

I managed to sleep from 4-6am. Then again from 7-8am. Decided to get up and try church as the main contractions had stopped. I was still cramping. :( I've pretty much cramped for the day. Some of it painful and some not. Came into my room around 4pm today and laid down. I was exhausted from no sleep and was feeling like contractions were going to kick in again.

I woke up after 8pm. :-o Feeling like crap. Wanting to throw up and really crampy again. :( Choked down some crackers and an english muffin. Started feeling a little better. Mini-me and I walked the 15 minutes to the stadium around the corner to catch the fireworks. Had a few contractions on the way but nothing I couldn't walk through or talk through.

Now here I sit. :( Feeling like I did last night. Wanting to cry. I can't do this for days on end. I hate feeling nauseated. I hate the general feeling of ugh/crampiness in my entire belly. :( If it was contractions dude I am so ok with that but it is just this sick to my tummy feeling.

I am back to struggling with The Coach and him being at the birth. I continue to pray for God to show me what I am to do. I have so many emotions about this that it needs to be it's own post all together. If I don't have this baby tonight I am sure I will write about it tomorrow.

Even with a 4 hour nap and it sounding like I am in a war zone with all of the fireworks going off I am going to try to sleep more.

I am here :)

2010-07-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

I am here :)
I am still pregnant
Been super busy with Turtle and Little Man ... between the two of them we have had softball and baseball games pretty much every day.
If I am not at a game I have been trying to get sewing time in.

Had an ultrasound last Wed. and the baby is in the 43% for how far along I am. I was measuring 33 weeks and I was 34 1/2 weeks along. Dilated to 1cm.

Had an appointment yesterday and lost another pound. :( Can't figure out why I have lost 2lbs. I measured at 33 weeks still (I was 35 1/2 weeks) Dr. didn't seem concerned. Dilated to 1cm maybe a little more and Dani's head is super low (possible the reason why I measure so small?)

Even though the Dr. isn't worried about me losing weight, my fundus height, or that she measures small I worry. :( I am not by any means a big person. The Coach is pretty thin but he is tall. We were both way over 8lbs at birth and my other babies were average sized.
I am trying not to worry. I know that whatever happens God has planned out and is in control.

I have not talked to The Coach. He has made no attempt to contact me. His mom and I spoke after the ultrasound (she went with me) and she agreed that he needs to pull his head out of his butt and that if she was in my shoes she would not be chasing him around. It saddens me that he is missing out on all of this. I know that he thinks he will just step in when she is born and tell me how he is going to be in her life and he will try to bully me around but that is not going to happen.

Off to play the Wii for a few minutes lol ... then off to Turtles softball game.

Labor Fears ...

2010-06-22T20:17:00.001-07:00

First off thank you so much for the comments on my last post. :) I am doing alright ... I have moments like on Father's day when I passed The Coach and his girlfriend in her car and my heart hurts and I cry. Then I have other moments where I remind myself why I pulled away from the relationship and I move forward a little more.

Dr. appointment and ultrasound in the morning. I have not told The Coach about either appointment. I did however invite his mom to the ultrasound. :) She is beyond excited. Mini-me is coming also.

On to my real issue of the night. You would think after having 4 kids that I would be alright with the labor/birth thing. I had them all naturally ... yes that means no drugs ... feeling all the pain. Tonight however I am having a major panic moment.

The thought of labor pains is freaking me out. My labors tend to be very fast and intense. If my water breaks we are having a baby with in 20 minutes. No break between contractions. I have gone from 5cm to 10cm in ten minutes. My body does not mess around.

I have never had a birth without my mom or a husband being with me. Right at this moment I still don't have a "solid" person to be with me at the birth. What freaks me out even more is that I am not sure whomever I have with me will know me well enough to help me when I start to panic. I always have a small panic moment during birth ... My Mom and The Ex both knew this and I would tell them months ahead of birth how to handle me. They always did perfect. I don't have anyone to tell that to this time. :( Ok as I write this I know that I have God and this brings me comfort but I am sure He and you all will understand that sometimes just having a physical human next to you touching and comforting you is what we need.

As much as I am ready to have this baby I am all about her just you know coming out of me pain free like she has the 3 times in my dreams. LOL Kind of just falling into my arms ... *sigh* that would rock.

Seriously I long for a labor like Little Birds. Woke up in the morning with mild contractions. Walked around the house and took a shower. While in shower they got stronger. Decided that since my births go fast we should head to the hospital. Think we got there around 10am. Did the check in thing and got monitored. Contractions remained mild until around 6 that evening. Seriously I walked up and down the hallways playing an electronic Uno game. The only reason they kept me at the hospital was cause I was dilating and the monitor showed huge contractions (I just didn't feel them). Was checked and had made it to 7cm. They broke my water ... I panicked asked for drugs LOL Ex told me I would say that and reminded me that I had about 15 minutes and I would be holding Little Bird. Sure enough ... urge to push was upon me and I let my body do it's thing.

Can I just have that again?

Please don't suggest an epidural or any other drugs. Just not me. The thought of something in my back and not being able to feel my legs or move about freely freaks me out more than the pain of labor. I have some control issues in case you didn't know lol. I feel more in control with out the drugs than I would on them.

Whoo ... alrighty got that all out. Need to go meditate or sew or something to help me relax.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1833

Confirmation

2010-06-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Nothing like being on Facebook and seeing a picture of The Coach and his new girlfriend.
Confirmation that he has been with someone all along. :(

I will not lie I am sitting her crying and I hurt so bad. :( I had honestly hoped God was working on him. That he would pull his head out of his ass and see everything he is doing. Obviously not happening.

I don't want a man the way The Coach has been. I have never wanted a man that way. However I fell in love and now I am having his baby. I so wanted him to change.

I will not give up on God. I know he has the power to do anything. I will continue my walk with him and have Faith that someday I will have the man I deserve. If God plans on it being the Coach ... then there is a lot of work to be done in both of us.

This is the 3 time in my life that I have been pregnant and had the father choose another woman over me. It will take a major act of God to help me get over this.

I have been questioning if I would have The Coach in the labor with me ... right at this moment I want nothing to do with him at all. I honestly wish that he would just leave like Mini-me's dad did and that I can have Dani to myself. I don't want him at the birth. I don't even want to tell him when I have her. Selfish I know and I am talking through a huge amount of hurt right now but this is how I feel.

:(

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

2010-06-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Follow Up ... The Coach

2010-06-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

As I said Tuesday I would be back to finish what I started. So here I am and hopefully I can write it out clearly. Ignore typos I am to lazy to fix anything tonight.

Let's go back to Monday. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and the caller ID showed that The Coach was calling me. We haven't talked for I think it is about 6 weeks or so now. I am honestly to lazy to go back and look it up. Anyways ... I wasn't sure if I should answer the call or how to answer the call. I decided to answer the phone and act like we had never had any problems. So you know fake cheerful.

The first thing he asked was how was I doing. I said well I am pregnant with a little giggle. Then told him that I am uncomfortable and don't sleep much so I am tired. He then asked if we could get together sometime this week for lunch so that we could talk. I honestly was not able to speak for a moment. When I finally said something I told him that I had finals and it was a busy week and that I could only meet Tues. or Wed. He said ok then started asking how I really was and how the baby was doing. He was being very nice.

Long story short he actually agreed to meet Tuesday and we agreed on a time and place. Hung up the phone and wasn't sure if I wanted to vomit from the anxiety I held in during the conversation and the thought of seeing him or if I wanted to cry. I was with Mini-me and told her what we talked about. She had a few things to say about why he called ... not very nice things. Which I totally understand .... he has been a jerk. I told her we needed to think positive and maybe just maybe he had changed. Maybe God had been working on him as he had been working on me.

Tuesday was just a yuck day all together. I don't talk about work much because my blog is not private. Not that I share it with anyone but you never know who will come across it. However work has not been very nice to me for a few months. Tuesday was not a good time. I had 20 minutes after I left work to let go of my issues there and go meet The Coach. I was so nervous about what he might have to say and meeting him that I didn't want any of my work issues to affect the way things went with him.

I get to our meeting place on time only to find that their is no parking and that every high school boy is currently there eating lunch. I text The Coach and let him know I can't find parking and that maybe we should meet somewhere else. I also asked if he was there yet. No response so I found a parking spot in another parking lot all together. I called him ... no answer. I thought maybe he left his phone in his car and that he was inside waiting. So I drove around again, found a parking spot and went in. He wasn't there. I called him again and left a message asking if I had the right day, time and location.

Thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet he texts me and says he is sorry. That he was in a meeting and couldn't answer his phone. Then asks if I still have time to meet. I was still sitting in my car waiting. I texted back and said yes but told him I didn't want to eat where we agreed upon. We decided to go somewhere else and meet there. Another 20 minutes later he finally shows up.

Seriously I honestly believe the only reason I was so patient was because I have God in my heart. We got our food and I couldn't eat. I had been contracting for most of the morning and felt sick but didn't tell anyone. I also was just freakin crazy insane nervous about what he was going to say.

He started off with how sorry he was for not having any contact with me and not going to any Dr. appointments. He said he was sorry if it hurt me but after doing some thinking he felt it was better if we didn't have contact. He felt that the fighting we did and the fact that we couldn't get along was not healthy for me or the baby. It was better if he just wasn't around. He went on about how he wants to work out a parenting plan and that as the mother of his child he will always treat me with respect. He went on about other things that I have heard before but have never seen happen.

I couldn't look him straight in the eyes. We did when we first sat down and it was one of those intense moments. Where you could still feel the love and longing to be with the other person. We both had to look away. Even when he was done talking and I asked if I could say a few things I couldn't look at him.

I told him that he had hurt me by not calling, going to appointments or by checking to see if we were ok. BUT that I got over it and I forgive him, I told him that honestly I felt like God told me I wasn't supposed to contact him. I shared with him that I was back at church and that I was so very happy. That I was doing exactly what I wanted (God wise). I could feel that he was uncomfortable. :( I know at one point in his life he love God and lived a totally different life than he does now. I think he was uncomfortable because he has shared he wants that life back but for whatever reason he just won't go and do it.

It was so very hard to say those things to him. I started to cry. I held it in ... along with all of the other things I wanted to say. Like how much I love him. How much I miss him. How sad I am that things are not different between us.

What I did say was that I needed time to process the things he told me. I asked him what he wanted from this point forward and he said he wants to be at all of the appointments from now on. I asked about the labor/birth and he told me he will be there.

We left shortly after that because of course he had to be somewhere. It killed me when I watched him walk to a car that was not his. A car that I am 99% sure belongs to a new girlfriend.
On a side note ... as I was out at the college last night for my last class. Guess what car I see ... yep that one. His older son was getting out of it. In fact the woman driving it stopped so I could cross the road in front of her and she let his son out there. Ugh I wanted to puke :(

So I have an Dr. appointment tomorrow (Friday). The Coach knows this but does not know what time. He wants to go to it with me. I told him I needed to process everything. I really don't know what to do.

I have spent so much time in prayer over this. I love this man. It hurts me so bad to be around him and know that he is with someone else. So to protect myself from being hurt anymore it is easy for me to say I don't want him around for appointments or for the labor/birth. I honestly don't want to hurt anymore. So I just want to avoid. :(

I know that I can not avoid. I have asked God if I am to continue being still and not say anything to The Coach. I have asked if I am to call and tell him I am just not ready for him to be around. I have asked God if I am supposed to agree to letting The Coach come with me to appointments.
I know that God has a plan in all of this ... I am just having a hard time with it.

In my head I feel like if I be still that is not what God wants me to do. If I tell The Coach that I am not ready for him to be around then I feel like I am not letting God work in me (on my hurts/fears) or letting God work on The Coach. I keep thinking that maybe if The Coach sees my changes he will change also (God's plan). Then I come to the I agree he can come along and be there for it all and I panic. I can feel all the hurt and pain rising up in me and I lose my faith and trust that God will be there to hold me up through it all. UGH I hope someone can understand this ... or that someday I can read this and understand it.

This is so hard to explain ... After all of my praying I am not 100% sure on what I am to do. Today when I came home I sat down at my kitchen table. My Bible was there as was the Bible study book I have been working in. I am doing a study on Esther with the ladies group. Each week we fill in some notes from the video we watch. This week it said .... "Esther faced the fear"
It also said ... "She (Esther) had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" This may not mean a darn thing to any of my readers (If you've made it this far) but to me I am pretty sure it was God telling me "Shannon stop letting the fear/hurt take control. I am going to be here with you. You are to call him and tell him the time of the appointment. I Am (God) and will work the rest out. In you. In The Coach."

Even after that I still haven't called him. :( I am letting the fear control me. BLAH!!!!! It is almost 10 ... If I am going to make the call and tell him the time of the appointment I need to do it soon. :(

By the time anyone reads this post ... that's if anyone gets this far ... I will have either called him already or gone to my avoidance corner. Either way I could still use prayer. If you are the type to pray :) If not kind words are always welcome.

I never imagined this would be my life ... crazy how taking certain paths in life that look so awesome at the start can change so much as you walk it. Sometimes the path gets even better. Sometimes the path is like walking through fire.

This is me rambling to avoid ... Done avoiding. Going to call. Then I am sure cry my eyes and heart out to God.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

Talked to the Coach and house stuff ...

2010-06-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

So I have spent the better part of the last hour crying. Talking to God ... out loud.

Want to write all of my feelings here right now but can't. No time and I am trying to process everything that has happened today.

I am sad. I am hurting. I need a hug.
I need guidance.

Will be back later to write all the details.
Met with The Coach today. I don't know what to do or think about the conversation ... well besides turn it over to God. What I truly want is what God wants for me. Then there is the other side of me that just wants what I want. Trying to keep that side in check right now.

Came home after I met with him to a slew of emails from the realtor about the house. I am heartbroken on this front also. :( It's not mine anymore .... I have to leave it in like a month. The buyer won't rent it back to me because he wants to do major remodeling to it. :( That was like a kick in the gut for me.

I promise to update this more later ... Need to process everything. Cry some more. Pray some more.

19 years ago ...

2010-06-06T07:38:00.000-07:00

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.

Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.

Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

Dancers

2010-06-05T11:28:00.001-07:00

So I officially have two dancers in my house. A few months back I purchased Breakin & Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo (Yes I grew up in the 80's). I had no idea that my purchase would cause Little Bird to become obsessed with the movies and breakdancing.

He has watched both of the movies so many times that the discs are scratched. When I say he watches the movies I mean he gets up and dances the parts out with the movie. He has cried when it's time for bed and the movie isn't over or when I tell him I am not sure I can watch it another time that day.

About 2 months ago we watched a dance group perform and I found out that they offer a boys breakdancing class. Who cares that I am losing my home and I am pretty much broke my son wanted to take the class. It helped that Mini-Me tried out for the same dance company and made their performance squad. We got a sweet family discount. :)

Today Little Bird danced at his first show. Not just any show but at the University. In the big rec center where the football players practice. I thought for sure he would get nervous and freak out. He tends to be shy at times and heck he is not even 7. Seriously I about peed my pants when he went 3rd in the showdown of breakdancers and he totally nailed it. :-o

He was so stinking cute. He didn't do the worm like he planned but he busted out all of the other moves he knows. The crowd was cheering him on :) He didn't even hesitate to jump out and start dancing. Whoo hoo!

I have another dancer and I couldn't be more pleased. :) Being the baby (not for long) he has had a hard time finding what he is good at. Mini-me dances, Turtle draws, Little Man origami and is very tech smart, and me I sew and am crafty in general. I am so glad he found something he loves to do. Even if it is just for a year or so considering he is 6 lol. :)

YAY for dancers. :)

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters
Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

On a funny (to me) side note ... Mini-Me who just learned to mow the lawn 4 weeks ago is currently out front teaching Turtle how to mow the yard. Cracking me up that a 18 year old girl (19 tomorrow) is teaching her 12 year old sister how to mow the yard. LOL I should probably go out and supervise. So both of my girls come back in with all of their fingers and toes.

Remember This

2010-06-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

Psalm 56:3
But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Anyone want to add to this?

No Longer Mine ...

2010-06-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

I've lived in this house for 11 years. I believe that is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Been in this neighborhood for 13. I love it here. I love how close everything is. We've shopped at the same grocery store for 13 years. They know me. They know my kids. I don't live in a small city. There is about 160,000 people in this city. I'm not ready to move just yet.

My realtor called today to let me know that the bank has accepted the offer on the house. I was a bit shocked as I am doing a short sale and the offer is pretty low. We thought for sure the bank would reject it. Just waiting on the final paperwork from the bank saying that they accept the buyers offer. Once it's ready we talk closing date and when I have to be out of the house.

According to the realtor I have about 45 days before I will have to be out. That puts me right around the time I will be having a baby. Freaked out? Yes, yes I am. Trying to remember that God's timing is always perfect and I will be taken care of.

At this point I have no prospects of a new home. We are supposed to be getting housing assistance but they said it wouldn't be until after the baby is born. We also have to move into a 4 bedroom. Finding a 4 bedroom home that isn't in the worst part of town that I can afford is slim pickings.

Right now my biggest issue is that this is no longer my home. :( I spent a little time grieving today. Cried in my car on the way home from work. 11 years of memories. I brought 2 babies home to this house. I've laughed in this house. I've cried tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of grief. So many memories. I don't want to leave those memories just yet.

I know that a new home will bring new memories. We will laugh there. Cry there. Bring home a new baby there I am sure. It just won't be mine.

I'm doing some serious praying for that new home. That it is something I can afford. In a safe place for my babies and I. Praying for some guidance for myself and a little more faith in my God.

I believe some sewing therapy is in order. I posted this quote not that long ago ... but it is very fitting.

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Baby Update

2010-05-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks pregnant with my Sweet Danielle (Dani). Yesterday morning I had a growth ultrasound to make sure she was on track.

Dani currently weighs in at 3lbs 2oz ... give or take a few ounces in either direction. :) Head and belly measured in on track but femur (leg bone) and humerus (arm bone) where measuring 2 weeks behind. I was a little freaked out and still have some concerns. My Dr. wasn't worried at all. She said that we can do another ultrasound at 35/36 weeks if I would like to check her out.

My concerns are due to my age and my risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I know that she had one possible soft marker at my 18 week ultrasound. Combine that with the measurements from yesterday and my age I'm just a little concerned. I am just the type of person that wants to be prepared. I would love her just the same if there was something wrong with her. :)

Since I have a history of delivering my babies early my Dr. won't be stopping any contractions or labor once I reach the 36 week mark. :-O That is 5 weeks away.
I had a little panic moment the other night when I realized that in about a month I will officially be a momma to 5 kids. A single momma to boot.

It's not really the single mom part that is freaking me out. It is the labor thing. All of my labors have been short, fast and easy for it being labor. I am talking minor contractions for a few hours then water breaking and 20 minutes later I am holding a baby. No medication births ... just the way I like them. For some reason I am worried that this one won't be as smooth. This scares me. The thought of a c-section or something going wrong is freaking me out.

My Dr. knows how I feel about epidurals and such but sadly the chances of her delivering is pretty small. I really need to sit down and write out my birth plan.
Yes at this point I am doing this labor thing alone. The Coach and I have not had any communication. :( I have had 3 friends offer to come and be with me if I need them. They don't care what time it is or what I need. Just to text or call and say get to the hospital. :) I love my friends.

Oh oh oh ... Cool things about the ultrasound ... She is head down!! Yippee!! She has been sideways-ish for a few months. I am thrilled she turned. Ms. Danielle has hair!! :-O Umm ok probably not a lot but you could see the little fuzz. I have never seen hair on an ultrasound but then again my babies have been pretty much bald at birth. I just want her to have a little hair so that I can put bows in it.

Contractions and cramping have been increasing but testing and cervical exam came back good. :) I can hold her in for 5 more weeks right?

I am off today. The Ex is taking the kids until tomorrow night. Mini-me is done with classes by 9:30. So we are going to take a road trip to the big fabric store. WHOO HOO!! I am off to blow dry my hair and get ready.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

2010-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Baby stuff ...

2010-05-13T15:54:00.001-07:00

I am no longer getting weekly shots to keep contractions away. Last Thursday when I went in I told the nurse about the rash, bump and itching and showed her the bump that was still there.
She spoke with the Dr. and we all agree that I am having an allergic reaction to something in the shot. It was left up to me if I wanted to try one more shot but since we don't know how my body would react to the shot I chose to skip it.
Now I sit and wait and see what my body is going to do. We are hoping that there is enough hormones (from the 4 shots I did get) to keep contractions from kicking back in. I am not holding my breath on this one. I started contracting some last weekend. Just a few short days after the 1st skipped shot.
Some contracting is normal as it prepares your body. Also normal considering I have been pregnant so many times. Not normal to have them for hours on end and have to breath through them. :( Bleck
I am just going to hang on to faith that my sweet Dani will stay put for a few more weeks and that I don't have to go on bedrest.

In other news The Coach still won't talk to me. He refuses to call and ask when appointments are. He will only text. I give the standard reply that if he wants to know he can call. He doesn't know about my allergic reaction or that I am no longer getting the shots. I did a ton of praying on whether or not I was to call him and tell him. After several days of crying and not knowing what to do I felt like God told me to just sit and be faithful to Him. So that is what I am doing. This is hard for me because I have so many things I want to say to the Coach. Not one will help the situation what so ever.
I anticipate a text from him some time this evening. As he knows my appointments are always on Thurs or Fridays. I am already praying about how I am supposed to respond.

I have a nice big round belly. So nice, big and round that people think I am due anytime now. When I tell them that my actual due date is still 11 weeks away they so kindly tell me I am huge. Why thank you lol ... Like I don't know how big I am. I love my belly :) It is huge. It is very round. It is mine. :) It is all baby. When you are only 5 feet tall it is to be expected that you look farther along than you really are.

My Mini-me is throwing a baby shower for me in June. I am pretty excited and nervous. I don't really like being the center of attention. Hard to believe really. I like attention but not all eyes on me and everyone awwwing over everything I do. Or having to touch my belly. That kind of stuff freaks me out. I feel like I am some sort of exotic display that has never been seen before. LOL
Excited because I have to admit I love getting gifts and gifts that are cute for a baby are even better. LOL

Off to take be taxi mom. 3 kids with practices ... 3 hours total of practices. Dinner should be interesting.

Horomones

2010-05-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

So I get a weekly shot of progesterone to keep my uterus from contracting. Between working part time and the shot I think it is working. :) I have very few contractions. I am pleased with this.

However the side affects of having a weekly hormone shot on top of my pregnancy hormones is doing a number on me. :( The day after I get the shot I am cranky. I am tired. I almost always have a headache. Like a really bad headache.
The shot site is sore and it itches. Last Fridays shot left me with a small case of hives around the injection site. I still have a nice sized itchy bump there.
About 5 days after the shot I feel like I have been crying for days. I am emotionally drained. This is usually a Wed. That would be today. By the end of the day I usually do cry. No idea why ... I just cry. I feel like a bus has run me over physically by this day of the week also.

I know that pregnancy takes a lot out of you but there seems to be a pattern that has started since the shots. I am dreading that I have 8 more weeks of shots. :( If the hives show up again this week I am thinking a serious talk with the Dr. will be in order. I can't imagine that breaking out in hives is a good sign.

I remind myself everyday that I by doing this I give my sweet daughter a little more time to grow and be complete. Being a momma is seriously hard at times but I wouldn't change it for the world. :)

No quote ... I am just exhausted.

Loves & Struggles ...

2010-05-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Smiling ...

2010-05-01T23:07:00.001-07:00

Finished up the outfit I started last night for my sweet little Dani. I am so thrilled with how it turned out. I purchased this fabric over a year ago. I had no reason to buy it. I saw it and fell in love with it. I have admit that I have a fabric addiction and no I am not taking steps to find help. LOL I purchased this fabric in the pink/brown combo and in a blue/brown combo. She will have an outfit made out of both. :)

Top is reversible. The jean pockets are lined with the umbrella fabric. I can't wait until she arrives and can fit into the outfits I am making her. :)

Sweet Little Blessings (S.L.B)

2010-04-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

I am sure I have mentioned before that I love to sew. When I was a little girl and teenager I would dream up cute things to make. Sadly I did not have a sewing machine or anyone willing to teach me how to sew. I think it was around 8 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the tax return and purchased a sewing machine. I went to the library and got books to teach myself how to sew. I also used my best internet friend Google :)

Sewing to me is not just a fun thing to do. It is healing to me. When I see fabric I start a design process in my head and have to get it out. Once I start on a project I can't stop. It is an addiction to me.

My passion for sewing has inspired me to want to teach others. I currently taking business classes through the college so that I can start my own business. :) Someday I would like a big studio where students can come and learn how to sew. Clothing, quilts, fun little crafty items ... you get the idea. It will be a fun place to come to and hang out and learn. Not like the quilting shops here in town. They are stuffy, snobby, and act as though they are better than anyone else.
In the mean time I am working on teaching private in home lessons. All the student supplies is fabric I bring the rest.

I am also hoping to make a little money selling the things that I make. :) When I first started sewing it seemed logical to me to start with clothes. I thought it was great ... until I made my first quilt. I lost interest in making clothes ... expect for the jammie pants I make us all every Christmas. Now that I am expecting a sweet little blessing I have jumped back on the clothing wagon. I haven't given up the quilting. :) I have 3 quilts waiting to be finished ... they are on hold as the fabric I need to finish them is so new I can't find it.

I thought I would share some of the outfits I have been working on. I seriously am not a girly girl and neither are Mini-me and Turtle ... Sweet Little Danielle (Dani) is going to be girly girl for all of us. LOL It is hard to find patterns in newborn size so I am making most everything in 3-6 months at this point.

Peasant Dress
This is so much cuter in person
and I imagine it will be cuter on
a baby then the hanger :)

The first pair of shoes I've ever made.
I could use some practice :)
They are so tiny and cute

I whipped this pretty little number up today
Reversible Pinafore Top
Matching ruffle pants

This is the other side of the top
Obviously the letter "D" is for her name

Teaching Mini-me how to sew :)
This is the peasant dress she is working on
She might harm me for posting this picture
I am very proud of her ...
she has never sewn and is doing great so far
She loves zebra print and thinks Dani should also lol

A sneak peak The fabrics for Sweet Dani's next outfit
Ugh I can't wait to finish it ...
it's half way done on my living room floor.

A burp cloth
I am not sure I like very much
Need to work on this a little more

I will probably be starting a business/sewing blog soon. I am looking for a graphic designer to create my logo/branding items. Then the fun can really begin. My goal is to make enough money between private lessons and selling my items that I only have to work part time at my current job starting in the fall. I've really been praying about this ... so far all of the doors on this journey have been wide open. :)

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

Reading & Finding Myself

2010-04-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

I don't want my readers to think that I never have anything positive to say. I have lots to say that is positive I just tend to write out the junk that weighs me down so that I can take another step forward in my journey.
I am learning to look for more positives daily. :) That weekly shot I get in my bum to keep me from contracting hurts when I get it and for days after but the positive is that my daughter gets more time to grow and be healthy. :)
Going from full time at work to part time and losing half of my barely there income hurts but positive side is that I am less stressed and I get more down time on the couch. Resulting in less contractions and again my daughter gets more time to grow in me. :)
Scared as I am on the inside I have been reaching out and crazy things have been happening. New people have come into my life. Good new people. People that I can trust. People that have been encouraging me. Reaching out for me is huge ... even harder with the depression that was killing me slowly. Positive side I am realizing people really love me for just me. The way I am ... flaws and all.
Friday was a busy day but seriously full of blessings. I met with a new friend and we talked for almost 3 hours. I learned so much about myself by just talking to her. I shared things with her and realized that I am not crazy in my thinking LOL. Ok well maybe a little but it's the good kind of crazy.

I came to some major realizations about my relationship with God. It was good. No really it was amazing. My new friend suggested that I read The Shack. I had heard of the book I want to say that I heard about it on T's blog about a year ago but I could be wrong. Anyways I am loving this book. I was warned that I might cry but funny thing I didn't cry where I thought I would.
I don't want to give to much about the book away for those who have not read it.
What I can say is that I realized just how much my God loves me. Really every tear I that has dropped from my eyes He has collected. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, fears, hurts ... you name it ... yet he still loves me. Shannon that has made so many mistakes in her life. Who has shunned Him. Ignored Him. Called Him every bad name I could think of and told Him he could go where the sun doesn't shine. Loves me :)That is so freakin amazing.

After some serious praying over the last few weeks about if I should write The Coach a letter or just hold for awhile I felt led to do it today. Almost 4 hours of writing and the letter has been sent. Not an easy letter to write. I keep praying he receives it just how I meant it to come across. Not as an attack. Not as judgment. Hopefully he can learn something about himself and maybe even me.

I am trying to organize myself a little better so that I can write daily. I have so many things to get out of me. Some good. Some sad. Some just to get out so that I can look back at someday.

I am taking my very pregnant self to bed. Picture was taken Friday afternoon. One day shy of 26 weeks. My belly is at the uncomfortable stage already. The next 10-14 weeks should be fun. Yes those are bags under my eyes. :( I have never been a good sleeper. Being pregnant and not being able to get comfortable is not helping the sleep problem.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Random Rambling

2010-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today I feel emotionally drained.
I haven't had a good cry in over a week but today I feel as though I cried my entire day.
I did cry today. I was between classes this evening and as I sat in my car the tears just started to fall.
Sadness and grieving over my relationship with The Coach.
Realizing each day that umm I am having a baby ... alone ... again.
Relief at the way things turned out with my work situation. (had a meeting today with my boss, human resources and a union rep)
Struggling with letting go and not being a control freak and letting God take over.
At the same time realizing again that His plan is a billion times better than the one I envision.

So many changes in my life over the last few weeks. Heck over the last 7 years but the last few weeks I can visually see them. In myself. I am growing. Maybe in a way I am finally growing up.
I have always felt like I was stuck ... like I was this grown woman but there was a 12 year old insecure girl in me. She was stuck there. Hurts, broken hearts, harsh words, abuse, insecurities about her self worth were all holding her in there. I feel her slipping out. Letting go.
It's hard. I think I found a safety in being stuck.

Does this even make any sense? Just letting my fingers do the talking tonight. I should be in bed. However my belly is popped big time this past week and I am finding that getting comfortable and getting sleep is not always possible. I am also struggling with sleeping alone. I want my belly rubbed. I want to be cuddled and told I am beautiful when I am pregnant. I want all of this with The Coach.

I know why God has put me here. I know why The Coach can't be and shouldn't be in my life at this time. Just hurting. Grieving. Sad.

At the same time . I find peace in knowing God is changing me. That He has been holding me up the last few weeks. That I am not alone ... even though I feel like it at times.

About a week and a half ago I called my brother feeling frustrated with everything. Questioning everything even though I knew the answers to most of it. I need to grow. God is growing me. However my brother made a good point. He said ...
"When you prune a tree (or plant) to get rid of the dead stuff it hurts but you have to get rid of it so that new things can grow."
That's what God is doing with me. He is pruning away the dead yucky crap. The things that suck the life out of the rest of me ... the good growing parts of me. It hurts to be pruned. To let go. Even when I know that the dead yucky stuff would have killed me it is hard to let go of. I will let go. I want new growth. Healthy new growth. :)

I am now down with my random rambling for the night ...

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

A Quickie ...

2010-04-19T22:57:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post to say I am still alive.
My Dr. and I agreed that half days at work would be the best thing for me.
Work however didn't like the idea ... it's been an interesting few days.
Had to get the union involved.
Have a meeting Wed. to clarify things.
Getting weekly shots of progesterone to keep me from contracting ... well to relax my uterus.
Side affects ... headache the day after and so very tired for 2 days.

The Coach hmm well he actually called and checked on me after I left to very long messages about how he needs to grow up and be responsible.

My Faith in God has been restored over the last few weeks. Seriously I can't say Thank you Jesus enough the last few days. I know struggles will still come my way but I am ready for the battles. :)

Hope to post more tomorrow. Working on getting my business going and need feedback ... hoping some of my lurkers will come out and help. I will need my regular readers help also. :) I am way excited about my new adventure I am taking on.

Night :)

Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. ~Walter A. Mueller

100 Posts and Bedrest

2010-04-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

So according to my dashboard this will be post 100. Hmm I must be losing my mind because I thought I had already reached 100 posts. Oh well "Happy 100 to me" :)

So I spent the evening in labor and delivery. Having contractions. Nothing new for me. I am one of those oh so lucky people that is plagued with an irritable uterus. All of my pregnancies have involved preterm labor. Mini-me was the earliest born at 36 weeks. I was on bed rest for 10 weeks with her. Thanks to a small tear in her bag of waters at 26 weeks. Turtle had me on bedrest the longest at 18 weeks. Little man let me make it a little further than the girls but he kept me in and out of the hospital cause the meds never stopped the contractions. My sweet little bird he let me make it almost to 30 weeks before the preterm labor kicked in.

This little one has been causing problems since around 16 weeks. Since the "contractions" I was having then didn't change anything I was allowed to do as I pleased. Tonight however the on call Dr. wanted me to be on bedrest until I can see my Dr. which won't be until Wed.

My cervix is closed and high. A good thing. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative. Also a good thing. Nurse and on call Dr. suggested that I have my Dr. start doing ultrasounds to measure the length of my cervix internally.

Trying to figure out what I should do about work and school. Work has been hell the past few weeks. The main secretary has not been very nice to me about my medical issues. So she is going to be so not happy about me not coming in for two days. I think the stress of working with her is causing some of my contractions.

I read my contract stuff today about pregnancy and I am pretty sure with a Dr. note I can ask to have be cut back to half the time. Which would suck as I barely make $800 a month but keeping my sweet little one in me is pretty darn important. I can't drop my classes at school because I will lose my financial aid and have to beg for reinstatement.

The Coach was a major butt head tonight. Again I seriously just don't get how you can make a child with someone and be thrilled beyond thrilled and then just walk away and treat them like they don't exist or are some awful person. :( I had to do some major praying when he got there tonight. It literally took everything I had in me not to say the things I wanted to say. They wouldn't have gotten me anywhere anyways.

Guess I will watch a movie since I don't have to be up early.

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

2010-04-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

Hurt again ...

2010-04-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

I don't have time or energy to post everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I don't want to cry anymore today ... although I am sure I will be shedding so many more tears over the next few months.

The Coach has a new girlfriend. As far as I know they have been together for around a month or so. Didn't seem to stop him from telling me he loved me or have sex with me 3 weeks ago.

I am crushed. My heart is broken. Confused. Betrayed. So many other feelings.

I am having this mans child. He wanted this child. He told me he would not leave me. Yet look he has moved on. Just like my ex husband did while I was pregnant with our son. Just like Mini-me's dad did ... while I was pregnant.

I want to give up so bad on life. Seeing him with her last night killed everything in me.

So now that I have had this happen to me 3 times. I am done with love. Done with trusting.

Dear Readers,

2010-03-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

I honestly have no idea who reads my blog but I want to know. Tonight when I got home there was a comment left that brought me to tears but the person did not say who they were or leave a link to themselves.
I want to thank you all that have left comments for me. I don't always respond back to you. I am not always sure what to say. I am often in a huge rush just to get a post out that I don't have time with my crazy life to respond to the comments.
I read them and each and every one of them makes me feel a little better inside.
I don't know any of you but I can feel that you all care and that means so much to me. Especially now when I am so depressed.

Please don't feel you have to post anonymously. I want to know who you are.

Really this is my thank you to all of you that have left comments. Encouraging me. Letting me know you care. It is keeping me going.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Shannon

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward
(I just did :) S~)

Faith?

2010-03-30T07:36:00.001-07:00

I want the faith that this woman had. How nice it would be to be free of the thoughts in my head that have plagued me for years.

Luke 8:40-55

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman

⁴⁰Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. ⁴¹Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house ⁴²because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. ⁴³And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,^]">[a] but no one could heal her. ⁴⁴She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

⁴⁵"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."

⁴⁶But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."

⁴⁷Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. ⁴⁸Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

⁴⁹While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher any more."

⁵⁰Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."

⁵¹When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. ⁵²Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."

⁵³They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. ⁵⁴But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" ⁵⁵Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.

On a fun note

2010-03-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

After sitting in my bed writing for several hours today I got a kick in the gut email but it was just what I needed. It hurt to read the words in it but that's cause they were true. Will write more about that later. So I pulled my head out of my little black rain cloud that seems to follow me these days and I am going to blog about something fun.
After we arrived in Ca. on Sunday and got settled in we decided that since a 2 day pass to Disneyland was the same as a one day that we would head on over to the park. :) My brother and his wife have annual passes so they went with us.
We only spent a few hours in the park but it was so nice to have just 4 of us and not the normal 20+ family members. I love my family but Disneyland with 20+ people at one time is chaotic.

When we arrived at the park all of us girls had to use the bathroom (especially me). So being the smart girl that I am I hand my camera off to my brother and jokingly say to him ... "Feel free to take some pictures of yourself"I should know better than to say things like that to him. A few hours later as I was going through the camera I found these ...

He looks so innocent ... Then I see these

The nose picking one was brought about from a conversation we had on the way to the park about this guy who digging away while he was driving. I was so grossed out. I made a comment about please tell me about your poop all day long before you pick your nose or vomit in front of me. Those two things gross me out. So now I have my brothers boogers on my camera I am sure. LOL

We went old school and went straight to watch Michael Jackson in Captain EO. I totally forgot just how cheesy that thing was but man when I was 12 I thought it was so cool. It was pretty awesome to get to watch it with Mini-me though.

We are so cool in 3D glasses :)

We hit Autopia next and enjoyed our little mini cars and bouncing all around the track. :) Took a moment to take pictures with the Matterhorn in the background.

Had a little fun in Buzz Lightyears Astro Blasters, The Haunted Mansion and Pirate's. Then headed home. Well alright we didn't go straight home. We don't go to Ca. just for family and Disneyland. We eat In & Out Burgers everyday ... so we made a quick stop at one on the way back to the house. :) Seriously the best burgers and chocolate shakes.

I need to get to sleep :( Something about Spring Break being over and work and school resuming tomorrow. *sigh* Back to the real world of ....

I will post more on our fun adventure this week. :) Mini-Me and I did something we would not normally do and it resulted in a lot smiles from others, some blushing, and some awesome memories.

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

I went to church

2010-03-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

I went to Church this morning.
By myself.
Left the kids at home.
Had a panic attack on the way there.
Cried most of the time I was in Church.
I went to the Church The Coach took me to.
I didn't know anyone.
I felt 100% alone.
No one said a word to me.
Until the end of service and a woman tried to introduce herself and I couldn't talk cause I was crying.
She offered to pray for me.
I couldn't tell her what to pray for.
I literally couldn't get words out.
I stood there like and idiot hoping God would just lay it on her heart to know what to pray for.
I wanted so badly for someone to just grab me and hug me.
I prayed that someone anyone would feel my pain and see my struggle and just hold me.
Tell me that God really does have my back right now and that everything will be ok.

Been sitting here since I got home.
Started a letter to The Coach.
Trying to have Faith.
Struggling.
Crying.
Hurting.

Praying.

Dear Bill Collectors

2010-03-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

This is a letter to the bill collectors that would like me to send them the money that I owe them.

If I had money to send to you trust me I would send it. There is nothing more annoying than 10 phone calls in a row from the same number. I won't answer your calls because when I do you argue with me and you just don't get it that I have no money. Also if you can't have a "live" person call me or leave me a message I really don't care to answer my phone. Listening to a computer tell me I need to call you back so that we can argue is going to get you no where.

I hate that my life has gone this direction and that I can not pay my past debts. If there was a way for me to pay for those things you bet your happy butt I would. Not only so you would all leave me alone but so that I could say I took care of my debts cus it's the right thing to do. I honestly hate debt and can't stand suffocating feeling it brings with it.

As for you calling my ex in-laws, my brother and his wife and really even my step mothers parents who I have talked to like 4 times in the 20+ years I have known them I seriously think that needs to stop. If you have the time to research all of those people and that I "may" be related to them in some way and they might have information about me then you should of been researching that I am losing my home due to not being able to make the payments on it and you would have researched just what I do for a living and realize "Hey she really doesn't make any money." Oh and let's not forget that I am a single mom to 4 kids and that my ex husband gives me very little in child support.

So bill collectors if I had enough money I would be paying my bills. Starting with my home loan payment so that my children and I would not be homeless. I would then work my way down and pay the rest of you off. You know if I had money ...

I would appreciate it if you stopped calling other people that have nothing to do with the money I owe you. They don't need to be harassed by you when they have done nothing wrong. However if you want to continue calling me feel free but realize I will not answer my phone and I still don't have money to give you.

Have a wonderful day collecting money from all of the other people on your list that I can only imagine are in the same boat as I am with the crappy economy we are in.

Sincerely,

Shannon

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle, 1987

I am having an out of money experience. ~Author Unknown

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...

2010-03-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.

Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.

I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(

Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.

I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.

I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(

I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.

Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.

I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(

Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Can someone please help me find my faith?

Where I'm at ...

2010-03-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Friday night I took my kids to the movies. I was so depressed about things I left the theater and went into a bathroom stall and cried for 40 minutes. :(

After the movie I had to head home and finish up a baby quilt before the next morning for a friends shower. Sewing is one of the few things that is healing to me. Of course I can't have things be easy half way through quilting the the pieces together I ran out of thread. At 11:30 at night there are not any stores open to get more thread. :( Finally head to bed around 1am only to get up 7 to ask Mini-me to go get the thread needed while I got ready for the shower. The baby quilt got finished but we were 30 minutes late to the shower. My wonderful friend texted me after the shower and said that by far the quilt I made for the baby is the best gift that she got. :) Made me feel great ...
I would be the shorter one in blue. Funny she is having a boy and wore pink and I am having a girl and wore blue.

So while I was finishing the quilt I got the great idea that I needed to leave on a road trip. My younger 3 kids always go to Cousin Camp during spring break so I don't have them until mid week. I asked Mini-me if she wanted to take a trip with me. Being the kick butt daughter that she is and knowing how depressed I have been she agreed. A few phone calls later and a baby shower down we ran home packed a suitcase in less than an hour and were out the door. :)

Three hours to leave the wonderful state of Oregon :) California here we come ....

MMM Chocolate shakes :)

The best burgers in the entire world :)

Mini-me is not the best passenger in the world. She fell asleep shortly after eating our dinner. With 8 more hours ahead of us and me on little sleep it was a tough drive. I pulled over around 2am slept for an hour and felt great for well another hour and realized that I was imagining things on the road. Pulled over and slept another hour and heading back out around 5:30am. Arrived at our destination at 8:45 this morning.

We have showered. Eaten at another one of my favorite food places that I can only get when I am "home" in Cali. We are now off to my real happy spot. :) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!

So much thinking has been done ... now I just need to find time to write it out.

Thank you ladies for the support. :) it means so much to me.

"When you wish upon a star ...."

It's Gone ...

2010-03-19T21:54:00.002-07:00

My faith, my belief, my trust in knowing, believing whatever is gone. Today I no longer believe there is a God. If there is He fucking hates me and has to be loving every minute of the pain that I am in.

I have also decided today that I will no longer give my heart out. I will no longer love anyone but my kids. I will remain single and love free from here on out. No longer will I be hurt. Lied to. Cheated on. Abused. Fucked over.

This is my very I don't giving a flying fuck what anyone else thinks post. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Tell me I am horrible I don't care. You can't possibly cause anymore pain to me than I am already in.

Prayer and my faith in God ...

2010-03-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

My faith in God is dwindling today. I have been crying since yesterday afternoon or there about. I should be celebrating the scholarship that I was awarded and my decision to move forward with my business plans but my depression has come in and sucked me in so bad that I can't do anything.

I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.

I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(

I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.

I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.

I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.

Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.

Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying. ~Terri Guillemets

Letting go ... this crap is hard

2010-03-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

I cried tonight ... Ok really I sobbed. My face is swollen from crying and I look lovely with my mascara and eye liner smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks. Letting go of things in your arms to embrace the new things that are coming at you is so very hard.

As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...

I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?

I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.

Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*

I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.

This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses

2010-03-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

I am doing everything in my power to snap out of the depression that has sucked me into its black hole. Last night I emailed the rest of my family and informed them that I would be adding a new member to the family. I was honest in all of my emails about how I was feeling about things. It was very hard for me to be that open and honest about my feelings but I am glad that I was.

I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.

My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.

I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)

In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)

I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.

I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.

Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

Peace begins with a smile. ~Mother Teresa

2010-03-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

The sun
Sewing
Memories of my dad
The smell of my moms laundry
Getting an A on a tough test
Disneyland
Feeling my newest daughter move around inside of me
Knowing that God chose me to be her mommy

Just a short list of things that make me smile :)

If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. ~Author Unknown

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly part 2

2010-02-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

Well it's only taken me 6 weeks to find time to come back and finish the second half of this post. Trying to move forward and struggling ....

So when I left off I was a few months into my relationship with The Coach and I had told The Jeans I could no longer talk to him. Three months into my relationship with The Coach I should of walked away but I had fallen hard and my insecurities kicked in. I found myself turning into an old me that I hated but for some reason I couldn't break free and leave The Coach or my old self I was turning into. :(

I missed The Jeans I missed the Me I had been working on and finding. My relationship with The Coach was and sadly still is not a healthy one. I let things happen that I should have never let happen and I never should have stayed. I let someone have control over me. Something I said I would never let happen again. The crappy thing in all of this I really love The Coach and hoped for so much more. So I stayed ...

Which leads me to the secret I mentioned back here The secret that was killing me and I thought was going to end a friendship. I will be needing to change the title of my blog as I will no longer be Single Mom x's 4 .... In July it will be Single Mom to 5. Yep my secret is that I am having a baby. The Coaches baby to be exact. I have mixed emotions about all of this that I will get to and maybe if I have any readers left someone can help me with advice.

So the friendship that I thought I was going to lose was The Jeans. Back in November before I found out that I was expecting I pulled away from The Coach and the relationship. I started having anxiety attacks on my way to his place and I realized I couldn't stay in the relationship the way it was. Around the same time I was struggling with the house stuff and needed/wanted to talk to someone I trusted. The Jeans and I started talking again. I shared with him the house stuff and opened up to him about the relationship with The Coach and what had happened. I was starting to feel ok again ... not as depressed about everything because I had a friendship back that I loved and cherished.

Then my world came to a brief stand still when the test came back positive. I thought for sure that The Jeans would never talk to me again once I told him I was pregnant. Five weeks ago as I sat in my car crying I texted him and he called me back. I could barely get the words out between my tears but I told him everything. He assured me he would not leave me. We spent close to 12 hours talking in a 24 hour period. About everything he and I had been through over the past 3 years. He cried and told me he wished the baby was his. He finally admitted that he has loved me all along. I can't even begin to share how much I have cried the last 5 weeks.

I admit that I love The Coach and it is so hard to just end everything. Even harder now that there is a baby on the way. I can't stay though. I've tried to work things out but I am getting no where with him. He says he loves me and wants me but there is abuse in the way he treats me and I just can't do it. I kept hoping and praying that he would somehow go back to the way he was when we first met. I don't know what happened to that man or if he ever really existed.

So now I am single. Just shy of 17 weeks pregnant. Confused about how to handle things with The Coach. Even more confused about the situation with The Jeans. Really who would have thought that after 3 years and me getting pregnant by someone else he would finally admit his love for me? Add to it that I am living on barely any money. My depression has hit an extreme low. I haven't been this depressed since my ex husband left me and my dad died (with in 6 months of each other). I struggle daily to just keep going. Last night at 1am I had a major meltdown on the phone with The Jeans.

I need to clarify that I would never ever kill myself but I sadly in my thoughts I am understanding why someone would. Depression brings so many negative thoughts. I don't want to burden anyone with any of my problems. Not even my family. I am extremely embarrassed to be having another baby with a man I am no longer in a relationship with. I am losing my home. I can barely pay my bills. It's hard to open up to people when all you can think is how they will be judging you. So you hold it in pushing yourself further into a depression and a cycle of negative thoughts. :( I won't give up ... I have 4 ok technically 5 kids that need me and I remind myself daily of that. Also I don't want any of there dads raising them with out me lol.

Oh the other person I was afraid of telling the secret to (besides my mom) was my Mini-me. She and I are very close. She is one of my best friends. She does not like The Coach so I thought for sure she would flip out on me when I told her. I thought all of my kids would. However she handled it very well. She was upset and worried for a day or so but has really been amazing. I think I have done a pretty good job raising her. :) She is very excited now and has decided that The Coach can get lost and she and I will raise the baby. lol My other kids are just as excited (they didn't like the coach much either). They all do there fair share of belly rubbing. The boys tell me what I can and can not eat. Little Man was very concerned that I will get time off to be with the baby after he/she is born. Just writing this part makes me realize (once again) just how blessed I am with my kids. They don't care if we have to do this alone ... they trust me and have faith in me.

Look at all of my rambling ... It's a big jumbled mess but dang it feels good to get it out. If anyone actually reads this good luck understanding it. Maybe I should change my blog title to something like The Shannon Soap Opera ... Seriously though I am taking suggestions for a new blog title. One that will remind me to keep on fighting and not give up would be nice but incorporates my mommyness.

Ending with my favorite quote ... I am thinking someday this will be tattooed on me as a reminder. :)

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly

2010-01-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...

So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.

I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.

We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.

Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.

Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)

From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.

The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.

I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.

I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.

________________________________

I will post more later ;)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Good News and randomness

2009-12-31T19:11:00.001-08:00

I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(

The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.

The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.

Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.

I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.

Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.

And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.

*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.

Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.

Happy New year ....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

The wait has begun

2009-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

I signed all the paperwork today to do a short sale on the house. I signed some in the office this morning when I went to the meeting with the company that wants to purchase the house. Then they brought a realtor over for me to sign all of that paperwork.
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*

The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.

Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.

So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.

I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.

As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.

All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)

I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)

OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams

Praying for a miracle ...

2009-12-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

First off .. I had no idea you all would still read my blog. It really means a lot to me today to see the comments. :)

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Around 2am I finally turned off the computer and tried to get some sleep only to lay awake and toss and turn. My brain wouldn't shut down at all. Then like a bolt of lighting the idea came to me to call the company that was interested in the house a few months ago.

Back in July when I came home from Hawaii I had a company approach me about purchasing the house. I met with them but we (me and them) were all pretty positive I would be able to save it. They told me that if anything changed to give them a call. I didn't think much more about it because I really thought I would be able to save the house.

After the bolt of lightening thought struck me last night I went through all the negatives (that's just what I do). I thought there is no way they can help me with the house being sold on Monday. They will just laugh at me. I am embarrassed to call ... blah blah blah my list went on and on while I couldn't sleep.

This afternoon I decided to say screw it and I called. I explained the situation with the house being auctioned next week and the time constraints of the New Years this week and held my breath as I waited for a response. Ken told me to call the mortgage company right then and ask for a 2 week postponement on the auction. Tell them I have a buyer ready now but we don't have time to put a package together this week due to the Holiday. SHUT UP!!!!

After calling my mom again to ask her to pray even more I called the mortgage company. Of course I have to speak to a manager and they are all busy. I was told that I needed to get some sort of package put together and have it faxed no later than tomorrow. Off the phone with the mortgage company and back on the phone with the buyer.

I have a meeting at 930 tomorrow morning. I am really praying that this is the miracle that has been waiting for me. I just need a few weeks time on my side so I can get the money together to move and be able to pay my bills and stuff. This would buy me that time. It would also save what little good credit I have left.

Even though I have a meeting tomorrow and if all goes well and we fax it off I may not know anything until Monday the same day the house goes up for auction. Talk about a killer wait. This really is my last chance for anything to work out to help me in anyway.

I keep asking for prayer on Facebook but no one knows why. I can't bring myself to share with anyone on there what I am going through. I am still struggling with embarrassment of losing my house and the failure thing. I feel so much safer posting here. Even with pictures of me and my kids all over the page ... lol ... No one even knows I blog or used to.

On a really positive note my sewing machine was fixed and returned to me today WHOO HOO. I didn't really have the money to fix it but I need some healing and sewing does that. I am off to sew and pray for my miracle.

Damn it feels good to write. I can feel so many things relaxing and being released. :)

I have used this quote before but I really love it and it fits perfect.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

6 months is way to long ...

2009-12-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

It's been almost 6 months since I have written. I really wish that I could say that I was sitting down to write about how wonderful my life has been over these past 6 months and that is why I haven't written. Sadly I can not say that.

Not that there haven't been wonderful moments in the past 6 months. There has been. Right now looking back I see a ton of yuck.

What sucks more is that I really can not even write what is really bothering me right now. I want to say so many things but must figure things out before I open my mouth. I can't even say anything to the people around me and ask for advice or a hug. :(

I can write about the fact that in 7 days my home will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at the County Courthouse. Ten days later I will be homeless unless I come up with the money to move. Oh and a place to move to that I can afford. :( After 15 months of battling with the mortgage company I am officially losing my home to foreclosure. I keep praying that somehow some way a miracle will happen but it hasn't. I guess it's a miracle that I have even made it this far. Having a home to live in for the past 15 months.

Telling my kids the week before Christmas that this will be the last one for us in this house was one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. We have lived here 10 years. My boys were brought home from the hospital to this house. Besides living with their dad a few days a week this is their home. Their comfort place. Their safe place. And now it is being taken from them.

My depression is always bad at this time of year but losing my home and dealing with some other issues that can't be talked about ... I feel like I am being suffocated by it. On a good side note I am back in counseling and I love it. The woman I see is wonderful ... I found her 3 years ago around the time my dad died. She knows my current financial situation and is very kindly writing off part of my copayment each month just so I can see her. :)

*sigh* Man I have missed writing. I need to write more often as it really is healing to me and helps me release the good and bad. It gives me something to look back at and see how far I have made it. To remind myself I can make it through these times when another hard time comes along.

That is my rambling for tonight. Going to try to fix a sewing machine. Broke one last night :( Took it to the shop today. Pulled out my old one and will see if I can fix it so I can sew.

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. ~Francis Bacon

Hawaii Day 1

2009-07-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

So we have been in Hawaii now for about a full day and a half. Our flight in was awesome as we got bumped up to first class ... long story but let's just say it had to do with an awesome Alaskan Airlines employee and a cute guy she was trying to sit me next to. Ahh I love when life gives you something great.

We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.

Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.

The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.

Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.

Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...

Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)

I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.

No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...

"Sometimes in life you are blessed with really great friends and life in general. This is one of those time. I am so happy right now"
~Shannon

How about a Giveaway?

2009-06-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

I spent my weekend whipping up this super cute apron. I was going to sell it on Etsy but I like things to be perfect if I am going to sell them. I feel this has a few flaws in it ... nothing anyone else would notice just me. As much as I love this apron I just won't use it. I've decided that one of my readers should have it. :)

All you have to do is leave me a comment with your favorite summer recipe. It can be a main dish, side dish, dessert, or beverage. My house gets way to warm to actually use the oven so crock pot recipes are a huge hit with me. Anything frozen makes the kids super happy. Once I see your comment you will be entered into the drawing. That simple! Don't have a good recipe or just want an extra chance at winning? Simple ... just tweet about this post. :) Winner will be determined by a random number generator. Oh I guess I should mention you have until Saturday night 9 pm Pacific Time to enter. That way I can ship out the apron before I leave for Hawaii. :)

Thank you to the lovely Turtle for letting me take pictures.

There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of a woman making dinner for someone she loves. ~Thomas Wolfe

Music Monday

2009-06-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

I love music! All sorts of music ... well ok I admit that country is really not my favorite. I have come across a few people in my life that have introduced me to "new" music and have helped me broaden my musical tastes. I enjoy it when other people blog about music and put a video up or a link to the song. I have found a few new artists to add to my collection over the last few months.

I would like to keep adding my my music collection and broadening my tastes. I was hoping that my readers would like to share with me what they are currently listening to or what they have listened to in the past. I will be sharing also. In fact today I have picked a song that I fell in love with a few months back.

The Jeans introduced me to HelloGoodbye during one of my very late night/early morning visits. I immediatly fell in love with them. During another visit The Jeans asked if I was busy about a week later and if I wanted to go to a concert with him. Of course I said yes ... not even knowing who I would be seeing. When I asked he told me it would be HelloGoodbye ... and it would be 3 days after my birthday. They were amazing ... the venue they played in is one of my favorite places to see bands play.

Last August I had the pleasure of seeing them play again in Huntingon Beach, Ca. Right there on the sunny beaches of Ca. ... free concert. What could be better. Mini-me and I were about 4 rows back from the stage.

I am hoping to see them this August when they pay a return visit to Portland. I have already asked the Jeans to go with me. Along with Mini-me and 4 of her friends.

So my song of the week ...

HelloGoodbye
"The thoughts that give me the Creeps"

I can't wait to hear what you all have to share with me. I would love links to listen to or videos to watch. :)

Saturday Snippets

2009-06-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Not sure I will ever get to sleep in. Even though I am not working anymore I am still up at 530 thanks to the sun in my window. I try to fall back to sleep but usually toss and turn for a few hours and give up. Three days of the week I have been tanning to get a good base for Hawaii. I decided that since I can't sleep past 8 I may as well take advantage of the Happy Hour tan time in the mornings. $1 a tan ... really can't beat that. After I go tanning I have been walking about 2 miles. Trying to get the running thing in there when I can but I thought I had a stress fracture so I took it easy for awhile.

Today I am sad that I am not walking. Mini-me and I decided that we needed haircuts before Hawaii. Have to look cute ya know ;) Mini-me got about 8 inches cut off today. I think she is in a little bit of shock. I kept my length but had layers done again as it was just to straight and flat for me to do anything with. Aren't you all glad you are reading my lameness today. ;)

Now I am just sitting here waiting for Mini-Me to get back from a massage (her friends pitched in and got her a full body massage for her 18th B-day). We are going to watch the K-9 competition when she gets home. We have a friend that does K-9 patrol and they will be competing. Should be fun to watch the dogs in action.

Besides that my weekend is pretty lame. I've blocked out that tomorrow is Fathers Day. In fact I forgot until about ten minutes ago when I realized that is why my Ex wanted the kids.

I will be doing some sewing and trying to get things listed on Etsy. I know I don't have a ton of readers but I am tossing around the idea of having a contest. The winner would get a cute item made by me. :)

Man oh man I missed writing. So glad I have time to do this again. Only to be interrupted again when we leave for Hawaii .... In 10 days we will be on our way.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

I See Dead People

2009-06-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

I'm back and here to stay

2009-06-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

Holding back the tears

2009-06-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here holding back the tears. I have been awake for nearly an hour now ... laying and thinking about what I should write in my email to my coworkers. If I should write my students a letter letting them know just how much they rocked and how they made a difference in my life.

As I left work yesterday it started to hit that I would be turning in my key today. I won't be hearing "Ms. Shannon I need a ice pack, band aid, to talk, a hug ... " anymore. I won't be telling a kid to sit and be quite in my office while waiting to see the vice principal. I won't know what student is dating another ... yes they come and share this with me for some reason.

I am going to miss my job so very much. :( I honestly did not think that when I started this job just 9 months ago that I would feel this way. It has been an amazing time of growth for me in so many ways and I am not ready to leave yet. I will continue to grow with out this job and I will take all of the lessons I have learned and move forward but I am a bit sad.

I love it when I ramble .... my emotions are taking over.

Today is also my last day of the term for college. I will leave work early today and go out and preform my Hip Hop dance. I am trying to visual myself dancing it on a stage. I am doing all of the moves correct. My kids will out there watching me and at the end I will hear them cheering for me. :) How is that for positive thinking?

If I wasn't feeling emotional enough about the job and the dance thing I had to dream about my dad. I honestly can't even describe the dream but he was there. I always feel sad when I wake from dreams that he has been in. I miss him and wish he was here for me ... especially on days like today. He would be so proud of me.

The tears are flowing ... this is going to be a long day.

My mom also arrives tonight and will be here for the week. This should be interesting ... I will have to write more on this later.

Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown

Almost done

2009-06-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that in 12 hours I will be in my last class of the term. I will turn in the last bit of my homework ... that I haven't finished just yet. The only thing left after class tonight is my Hip Hop Performance tomorrow. Yes I am feeling a bit anxious about it but it's possible that my anxiousness could really be excitement.

So what if I mess up a part or two of the dance right? I have made it through 10 weeks of classes and I didn't give up. Although at times I wanted to ... dance is way harder than I expected. Again I have to give Mini-me some major props for doing this kind of thing for 4 years. Learning a dance in ten weeks was hard. She would learn 5 dances in 6 weeks and then compete at competitions.

So much more to write but no time this morning. I should be writing a paper on transition and getting ready for work.

I miss writing daily and reading all of the blogs I follow.

"Moving forward one step at a time"

One Week

2009-06-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

Wishing I had more time to write. One more week of work. One more week of school. Then I am jobless and homework free. I can then write daily again. I know that I need a job but not having one and being able to write daily and sew whenever I want makes me so excited.

I already have plans on what I am going to sew. Plans on what I want to write about. Cleaning will happen also as my house is a complete mess from not having enough time to tend to it properly.

Sad that I have to stop typing now so that I can go get my day started. Excited because that means I am one day closer to the things I mentioned above.

This was just a lame update from me. :)

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~C.S. Lewis

What Street are You on?

2009-05-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Dear Select Friend,

2009-05-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write this since Saturday night after I left you down at the bar. I really didn't want to leave when I did but I was on the verge of crying and The Boy was waiting for me in the parking lot and The Jeans was waiting for me to call him back. I wanted to stay and talk to you more. We had just started a good conversation and I wanted to continue it. Although I think all of our conversations are good but this one I could tell would have been even better than normal.

I also didn't want to leave because I wanted to tell you just how much you mean to me. I couldn't find the right words and I am not sure I will be able to now. You came into my life when I was newly single and pretty wild. You have watched me go through a divorce, lose my dad, changing jobs several times, issues with several boys and The Jeans that I can't shut up about and many other things. I really honestly can not tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the last few years. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I believe that we were meant to be friends (that sounds so corny)

Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent into, the many glasses of beer you have bought me, for teaching me how to play pool, advice on pretty much everything, comments on how great my ass is ;-) or just how pretty I am (I need those reminders), for fixing my computer(s) countless times, and for letting me just be me. I don't think I have ever really thanked you for any of these things. I wish I could do more than just write this silly letter on my blog for you.

I could probably write so much more here but I think I will stop and just tell you that I love you to pieces and I am so very glad that you are my friend.

MUAH!!

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

Budget Cuts + Me = No Job

2009-05-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

I was officially told today that I will no longer have a job after June 5th. I have been sent home for the day so that I can deal with my emotions. My position will be going to a coworker that has been there a few days longer than me. They were going to tell her what was going on after I left for the day. Is it wrong of me to hope that she doesn't want the position and that I will be asked back?

I am so majorly bummed right now. Crying very hard as I try to type this out. I have never loved a job as much as I love this one. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but right now I am trying to figure out why in the heck is everything being taken from me and where in the heck is this all taking me. I am not sure I can do much more of this. I am tired of taking a step forward and feeling like I am being shoved back twenty.

There is a chance that I can be recalled or asked to work in another position at a different school but I am not sure how that all works. All the Principal could do was keep telling me how sorry he was. After I left the Vice Principal called me and apologized. They both offered to give me outstanding recommendations for any other job.

Keeping to my word and positive attitude ... In the middle of him explaining that I will be laid off I tell him "That's ok I am going to Hawaii" He had to laugh as did I.

So I am now looking for a way to either save my house or sell it and find a place to live and I am also looking for a new job. Can't sell my house and move with out a job. Can't stay here cause they are taking it from me. :( Ugh ugh ugh ...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

She's Crafty! (Again)

2009-05-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much I love to sew? I love when I make something new and it turns out better than I imagined or when I finish a project that I set aside because life distracted me. Last weekend and today I made some time sew. I feel so calm right now. Sewing and creating brings me so much joy and peace to my heart.

Of course I have to share pictures :) The newest project that I made was a crayon roll for two of my coworkers little girls. :) They came out so stinking cute ... I had another coworker ask if I would make some for her nieces.

Cute Cows

Cute Kitties

Today I finished up the quilt I started for my mom back in November. It was supposed to be her Christmas present but I ran out of time and then I set it aside because I was frustrated with not having enough fabric for the border. She will be here in 19 days and I plan on surprising her with it by having it on the bed that she will be sleeping in. I am so excited!! The reason I went with a Red, Blue and Cream theme is her birthday is on the 4th of July.

Quilt for Mom

Two more quilts to finish and I will be a very happy camper. I also have a few tote bags that I started and never finished that have been calling my name from the fabric closet. It will be a nice summer sewing.

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Arthur Buddhold

Positive thinking is where I am going

2009-05-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

I did not get called back to do a 2nd interview with the University. I admit to being bummed about this but I can not let it take control of my emotions today. I will not over think what I could have done better in the interview.

I will move on knowing that as of right now I have a job that I love.
That I will probably have that job again in September and still love it.
I will and am focusing on finding a job for the summer.

And my new way of totally thinking about things when I am feeling bummed or frustrated ....

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!!!

I will get through all of this ... I always do.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Never enough time ...

2009-05-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

Lyrics:
The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

Her last dance

2009-05-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

It is just amazing to me how fast time is flying. Four years ago when Mini-me entered her Freshman year of high school I thought had plenty of time before she grew up on me. As I took these pictures tonight I wanted to cry. Prom ... the last big dance of the year. Technically the last big thing before she graduates. Four weeks from today she will be 18. Five short days later she will walk across the stage and accept the diploma she has worked so hard for.
A week ago she came into my room crying and crawled into bed with me and said "I am not ready to be a grown up." I hugged her and told her it would be ok and she would be fine. Tonight I am not ready for her to be a grown up and I think I am needing a hug and someone to tell me that everything will be fine.

The girls before we left to meet with everyone else

Mini-Me and her Boyfriend

Six couples and the single guy

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

To go or not to go ...

2009-05-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg

Confused about everything ...

2009-05-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

I should be learning how to back my Durango into my driveway with a trailer on it but I got frustrated and gave up. It took me forever to learn how to back into my own driveway with just my car. I have no idea how I am going to learn this and not take out part of the house.

Speaking of the house I am at a loss. I spent a an hour talking to my mom today and at least another hour reading stuff online. My good mood that I was in has been drained from me and now I feel confused and scared (again). There has to be a way for me to save my home.

I applied for a job at the University this last week. Talked to a friend that works there in that department and asked him to see what my chances are. He wasn't super hopeful as he thinks the job was earmarked and they just had to go through the normal channels of hiring. It doesn't pay much more than what I am making now but it is 6 hours more a week and the benefits are great. Plus when you work at the college you get discounted tuition ... something I would love to have. Crossing my fingers it works out but not holding my breath. ;)

I met a boy. I say boy cause he is 10 years younger than me. I actually met him back in December through a friend. We have gone out in groups a few times but this last time in March he started texting me daily. He was actually the person that took me to the hospital on Easter.
So Boy and I have been hanging out daily. Movie watching and cuddling has happened and it was nice.

No idea what the heck is going on between The Jeans and I. Last Friday he called like normal but I admit to telling him I would call back and then not doing so. He called last Sunday and talked to me for over an hour and we both shared our struggles that were bringing us down. However last night midnight came and went and he did not call. I called him at 5am when I couldn't sleep and the conversation felt weird and strained. At the end of the conversation he told me that he had a friend riding along with him so that may be one of the reasons the conversation felt weird. I don't know anymore. For over 2 years I have wanted nothing more than to be with this man. I still want that but I don't want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind on what he wants in his life. Not just with me but everything he wants to do.

Bringing me back to Boy. So Boy has told me he likes me. Enjoys spending time with me and that we can talk honestly. Which we really do ... He knows all about The Jeans and my feelings for him. He is not bothered by the fact that I am juggling school, work and 4 kids. He encouraged me to keep going a few weeks ago when I came home from class in tears and feeling frustrated. Not just about the class but the house stuff.

I enjoy spending time with Boy and I admit that I like him but how do I know I like him for the right reasons? Do I really like him? Am I just feeling lonely and liking the attention he gives me? The age thing is not even a factor to me by the way. Both of my step parents are 10-11 years younger than my parents.

Yesterday he did something that left me almost speechless. My work had a Friday at Four to say goodbye to one of the teachers. I invited Boy to come along with me. We had a great time until we were on our way home. Boy was joking around and made a few teasing comments that hurt my feelings. My body language was very obvious that I was upset with him. When we got back to my house he needed to leave right away because it was raining and he had his motorcycle. He wanted to give me a hug goodbye and I walked away. He asked if I wanted him to come back and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was going to go for a walk in the rain as it felt good. About 10 minutes into my walk he called me and said to me that he was sorry for the way he was treating me and that he didn't mean to take it that far. He had wanted to leave the restaurant we were at earlier because it was starting to rain and didn't want to ride his bike home in the rain. He said that he didn't want to ask me to leave because I was having a nice time and enjoying myself and he knew that I needed that. He said he was sorry again and I told him that all he had to say was he wanted to leave and we could have worked out something. Like he could have taken my car and come back and gotten me in his car. He was surprised that I would have been willing to work out a solution. Basically what I am trying to say is this Boy apologized and we talked about it and it was nice. I can't remember the last time any "boy/man" has taken the time to apologize and talk to me like that. I am not sure I am even explaining it in a way that anyone reading this would understand.

Boy has now shown up to my house and I need to go to the store to get stuff for dinner. Full house tonight with 10 of us. Guess that means my writing time is over.

Sneaking in a post ...

2009-04-27T13:20:00.001-07:00

I am bound to get into trouble for this but hey I very rarely take a lunch or the breaks I am supposed to.

Just a quick update to say that my Senators office sucks just as bad as my Congressmans office. No answers from anyone on the housing stuff. Just telling me to try the hud website.

I spent most of my weekend looking at jobs and found one that I am very interested in. Of course the closing date is for today. I was up until 1:30 this morning working on supplemental questions, cover letter and updating job history with more details. I also contacted a friend that works their and asked if he knew anyone that could help me out.

I am crossing my fingers that it will work out. I love love love my job here but the pay is not working for me at all. Also working 9 months out of 12 is not helping either. I don't want to leave my job here but I need to find a way to save my house.

Ok back to work for me ... Tonight is busy with Hip Hop class and 3 papers that need to be written.

Thank you ...

2009-04-21T22:24:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the comments left on my last post. They meant so much to me. I debated about even publishing the post. I debated if I should take it down. It is not like me to let that kind of stuff out to other people ... or in this case to anyone that may come along and read my blog. I have a few close friends that know my struggles and I don't tell them everything.

Writing has helped me to deal with so many things in my life yet I still feel that I can't fully express myself. I worry what others may think if they read it. Will they judge me? Will they call me names and tell me I am wrong? Will they look down on me? Gee You think I might be a little insecure?

Why do I keep censoring myself when I really want to open up? I wrote my post yesterday to release the anger, frustration and fear. I kept thinking to myself as I was writing to just delete it. No one will ever see it. But I couldn't delete it. My fingers kept typing and I started to feel a little better. It felt good to just let it all out. It isn't the prettiest post but it is how I felt at that moment and I am glad I released it.

I found that going to my dance class last night helped also. I was feeling frustrated by the class last week and feeling like I couldn't do that dang dance. I took all of my frustration that I was feeling about the class and what happened yesterday and put it into the dance. Guess what?? I can do the dance!!! It is not perfect and I am sure it is not super pretty but I can do it. I can do it to the music at the fast pace and not just one step at a time.

I was still feeling a bit upset when I got home from class last night. What I really wanted to do was go buy some beer (kids are with dad) and a pack of cigarettes (I quit in November) and be pissed off and cry. Instead I decided to run. I was dressed for it already so I grabbed Mini-me's Ipod and ran.

The crazy part of this is ... I am not a runner. I have always wanted to run but my asthma gets in the way. Last night I ran and then walked and repeated the pattern for almost a half hour. It felt so good. The last few times I have been upset about things I have wanted to run. Run to escape everything. Run to clear out my mind. Run because I felt it would help. Run so that I wouldn't drink or smoke. I could picture myself running the last few times I was upset but never did it because I thought I would fail. I didn't fail!! I didn't fail!! I did it. I ran. It was not perfect or what others may call running but it was to me and I felt great. I will do it again and again and I won't be afraid of failing.

It would have been so easy to get the beer and cigarettes last night. I am so glad I didn't. Not that I am an alcoholic or anything like that. ;) But in the past when dealing with crappy things I have turned to those things thinking they would help me get through it. Instead they always made me feel worse. I love a good beer but I want to enjoy my beer not use it as a numbing agent for my crappy times.

I am not giving up the fight for my house. It is mine and I will fight until they take it from me or until they give up. I do not give up that easily. I mean heck I fought for my marriage for 3 years. I can fight for this house. I have been positive thinking since October and I have made it this far. I will keep on positive thinking.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back here before I head to bed. I am so proud of myself for making better choices in how I handled yesterday. I have been working on myself for almost a year now (well really a lot longer than that but the last year I have been really focusing on it). Changing habits that were unhealthy for me and for others around me. By making the choices that I did yesterday I really feel like I have grown. YAY ME!!

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

Beautiful Days that turn to Shit ...

2009-04-20T18:21:00.001-07:00

I should have known that my day at work was way to good to be true. I should have known that it meant that something would come along and Fuck up my day.

The mailman sucks for bringing shitty mail to my house. My ex sucks for not paying me the full amount of child support each month. Hell he fucking sucks cause he doesn't work, lives rent free with his girlfriend and goes to school full time. I would also like to add that my Mortgage company sucks. They are so not helpful with anything. The Congressman I wrote a letter to a few months ago also sucks. Really even just an acknowledgement that you received my letter would be nice. I am pretty sure I voted for your ass. Sucky people that in some way made my beautiful day turn into shit.

I am sure I will want to retract this post later and I may or may not do it. I am so Fucking pissed right now. I have been crying for an hour. The really hard crying where you cant breath and when someone tries to say something to you the tears fall even harder. This is my blog and I dont fucking care what anyone thinks of me right at this moment. I just need to vent and this is my only place to do it.

I got the notice today that my house is officially in Foreclosure. Writing that sentence makes the flood gates open up again. I have until August to figure out what the hell to do.

Really?? I work full time, raise 4 kids (pretty much alone), and go to school. I am not a druggie or an alcoholic. Fuck I gave up smoking cigarettes to live healthier. I am a good citizen. I had a great job. The ex had a great job. It all went to shit and now I am losing my home. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I have been dealing with the mortgage company for months and can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I have called the Hope Now hotline and got the run around there also. I wrote a letter to my Congressman that went unanswered. *sigh* This new wonderful Making Home Affordable Stimulus Plan that our President has designed is looking like it won't even help me.

I just want to type like every bad word I can think of right now to get out my frustration. I want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day and into the night. I want my Dad to come and fix everything like he used to. I want my Mom to fly here and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead I will wash my face and walk out the door and go to class for the night. I will pretend nothing is wrong tomorrow at work and just tell everyone my puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep are allergies.

Fucking grr .... So I guess the dream I had Friday night where I met the President at the White House and he told me that my house would be mine and everything would work out really was just a dream. *sigh*

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

I'm here ... Really I am

2009-04-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to catch a break the past few weeks. So after my post last Friday I was hoping my evening would be better. Heck I was hoping for a nice weekend. I did not get a nice Friday night and my weekend was confusing, painful and frustrating.

Trying to keep this all short as I have to get to sleep (which I don't seem to be getting enough of). Friday night I was going to meet Select Friend for a beer. I had 1 hour to talk with him and hang out before Mini-me needed my car to go do something. The kids were pushing each others buttons as I left the house but that is nothing new when I want to leave to do something by myself.

I was not even to the end of the street when Mini-me calls my cell crying and tells me that I have to come back right now. I ask why and she informs me that Little Mans head is bleeding all over. I wish I could say that I was very patient and calm but I was actually pissed off. I did my share of yelling at them.

When I walked in I found Mini-me and Little Man on the kitchen floor both crying. She was holding a wet wash cloth to his forehead. There was blood all over the floor, his hand and his shirt. Turtle was standing there looking helpless. I made the girls clean up the mess in the kitchen while I took Little Man into the bathroom to clean him up and see if a trip to Urgent Care was going to be needed. Of course it was going to be needed as that is my life. The Dr. did not stitch him up or even use liquid stitches (which I really wish he would of). No he used some tape and pinched it together and said that should do it. GRR Little Man has a good scar now right at the edge of his right eye brow.

So I guess what happened was Little Man wanted to call me right after I pulled out of the driveway. Mini-me was pissed at him so she "tossed" him the cell phone that was on the counter and it hit him in the face. Let's just say this mom does not believe that the phone was tossed and I let all of my kids know just how angry I was with them. Really I just wanted 1 hour of time with a friend to talk. It could of been worse ... so I will be thankful it wasn't. (I just reread the last few lines and I feel like a selfish mom in a way. Makes me sad.)

Saturday I ran away from home and went up to see The Jeans. (The kids were going to their dads for the night and for Easter.) I debated the entire week if I should go and see him. I am very confused and frustrated with the way things are going between us. This really is a story all in itself for another time. We spent a few short hours together before he left for work for the night. It was very weird to be in his place all by myself. My intention was to do my homework. I put it off until midnight as I was struggling with a paper I had to write. I cleaned his kitchen and made his bed instead. I am really good at procrastinating.

He came home from work the next morning and we talked for a bit and had a bit of fun. ;) Which left me feeling overwhelmed with emotions I was not ready for and could not handle. I left his house upset and crying. Driving home for 2 hours gave me a lot to think about. I am still not sure where we stand. However I do know that he cares enough to offer me money to pay my Emergency room visit co-pay.

Oh yes lucky me was home long enough to make the Easter ham and pull it out of the oven before I turned to Mini-me and told her that I needed to go to the Emergency room. I get UTI's and Kidney infections very easily. This one came on so fast and painful I literally thought I was dying. Only 45 minutes spent in the ER. Lots of good drugs to keep me out of work for 2 days.

Ahh I can't forget the mystery rash that appeared on Turtle on Sat. About an hour after I ran away Mini-me calls me and tells me that Turtle has a rash on her chest and her foot. I ask the usual questions what does it look like? What did she eat last? What soap did she use in the shower? (she had just taken one). Everything seemed normal and she was breathing fine. I told Mini-me to let the Ex know when he came to get them. Nothing I could do when I was already an hour away.

When I was leaving for the ER the Ex was dropping off the kids. I was floored when I saw that Turtle had a rash that covered her entire body including her face. She said it was not bothering here but I knew it meant she would be staying home on Monday (good thing I had a kidney infection and had to stay home). Took her to the Dr. on Monday to find out that she had a reaction to the Amoxicillian she was taking for the strep throat she had 10 days before. *sigh* Nine days into the medication before she had a reaction. She will not be taking that medication again.

So my work week was short as I missed Monday and Tuesday. It was crazy busy though and the kids at work were out of control. College sucks when you are sick. I managed to make it to my classes but don't remember much.

This being a single mom, working full time, and going to college thing is very time consuming. On top of all of that I am still working very hard on getting my house organized before my mom gets here. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and it will get easier. I just need to find a routine and I will be fine.

I am going to shut up now ... I really need to find a way to sleep. My mind is constantly going and I can't ever seem to shut it down. I hope to get more blogging time in this week. Really I have to blog ... to get the A grade in one of my classes I need to "journal" at least 2 times a week.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Hello?? Anyone here?

2009-04-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

When I got home the other night from work my internet was working. It has been such a long week I am finally getting around to catching up on my favorite blogs.

Wed & Thursday sucked big time. At work the kids were crazy and parents had no problem yelling at me. To top it off they are cutting 4 days off the school year for our School District so I will be out days of pay. They haven't told us what it going to happen for the next school year but it is a possibility that I may be without a job or they can cut my hours in half. *sigh* So trying not to freak out and just have peace about it all. I have made it this far and through other rough times I can get through this.

No work today as it is a grading day. Ran a ton of errands with Mini-me & Little Bird today. While we were out we passed a 4 car accident that literally happened a minute before. As we are making the turn onto the street we need to be on I tell Mini-me to stop talking about the accident as it was causing me to feel panicked (car accidents freak me out for many reasons). Just as I say that I realize that the cars in front of me are not moving and people are going around them. There was another accident.

As I go to drive around the two cars in the accident Mini-me starts freaking out that the driver of the car that ran into the other car was passed out in her car. It was just a bumper thumper accident so it was weird to Mini-me to see the lady passed out. There was a guy from the street (umm like a bum) trying to help her as the driver of the other car was calling 911 and standing next to her car. Mini-me made me pull over to go help. So I did ... I ran to the passenger side door where the street guy informed me that the lady was having a seizure. Sure enough she was. :( My first time actually viewing one and all of the things I know I am supposed to do for someone having one is flying through my head. The street guy had put her seat back and put the car in park as her foot was still on the gas. I just stood and watched her seize. Making sure there wasn't any way for her to be injured.

She came out of it and was very startled to find me in her car. Honestly she had no idea about what was going on. Normal for someone that has just had a seizure. I managed to get her to tell me her name and I explained to her that she had a seizure and help was on the way. As soon as help got there I left. Not much for me to do at that point.

The entire thing is bothering me though. I don't know if this woman has ever had a seizure but I am thinking probably not. There was a car seat in the back of the car and a bottle on the seat next to it. My mom thoughts going crazy wondering if she was on her way to get her child or if she just dropped the child off. I need to let this go as it is eating at me. I did everything that I knew how to do.

So much more I am sure I could write about but I will save that for another time.

Give your stress wings and let it fly away. ~Carin Hartness

Stupid Computers ...

2009-04-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason my home computer keeps telling me I do not have an internet connection. I see the little wireless connection that says I do but it won't let me connect to Firefox at all. *sigh* Special Friend will be getting a visit from me to fix what ever it is that I think my kids messed up. They were the last ones on it Sunday and I am thinking that they did something they shouldn't have.

So here I sit at my work computer. I just finished my homework for my class tonight. Thought I would take a moment and update anyone that reads my blog.

The Jeans parents are doing much better. They were discharged from the Hospital yesterday. I don't have the full details of what happened. Didn't have time to ask him.

School is going great. Hip Hop is kicking my butt. I am really enjoying the class though.

Off to eat a quick dinner before I head to class.

I miss reading my regular blogs. :( It is going to take me forever to catch up.

Hope to be back sooner rather than later.

Sorry no time to look up a quote so I am stealing this from the wall in front of me ...

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers

College, Bomb Threats and The Jeans

2009-04-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Holy Cheez-its Batman I am not even sure where to begin. I was going to just write about starting college but then Wed came along and so did the notice of a bomb threat to the school I work in and now none of that even seems to matter when The Jeans calls me and tells me the following ....

Jeans: "I can't talk long I only have a minute" (sounding exhausted)

Me: "What's wrong? You sound exhausted. Are you ok?"

Jeans: "I'm at my parents house They both got Carbon Monoxide poisoning and are in the hospital. My mom had a heart attack"

All I could keep saying was Oh my gosh and I am so sorry. :(

Damn it!!! My heart is breaking for him and I can not do anything to help. I don't know how it happened but I guess his sister found them. His parents live an hour from both of us. He lives one way I live the other.

I guess they were in the hospital here near me but they have been sent up to a bigger hospital near where he lives. It sounds like they are both in hyperbaric pressure chambers. They tried treating his mom today and they had to stop as she started getting sick and throwing up. He is at their house and can't go see them now cause it is after visiting hours. :(

If you are the Praying type please say a few for his parents. Weird as I type this I had to laugh and cry at the same time ... when I asked him what I could do he said "Say some prayers" We have had many talks about God and Religion and our beliefes ... I think I just learned more about him by those few words than I have in all our talks.

Sigh ... my chest is heavy with heartache. I want so bad to be there for him. Mini-me gave me permission to go if he called and needed me. I love that girl!

On a lighter note ... if you can say a bomb threat is a lighter note. ;)

I am a little leary about how much info I put on here about what happened the last few days ... umm actually weeks. I don't keep my blog private and I am not overly concerned that someone will find it and it will ruin my life but sometimes when you voice your opinion/thoughts it can come back and bite you in the ass.

Let me start with I love love love my job. I love where I work and I am very happy to say I don't have problems with anyone I work with.

On Wed. of this week at 9 in the morning (we had a late start) all of the staff was called to a mandatory staff meeting. We were informed that a little more than 2 weeks prior (the week before Spring Break) the librarian found a note in her office. It was folded and supposedly crumpled up a bit. She was going to just throw it away but decided to read it. On it was something written very close to this ...

"This school fucking sucks. On April 3 at 12:30 the school is going to be blown up."

I am not sure of all of the details but I am assuming that the Librarian gave the note to the Principal immediatly. I only say this because I remember the Librarian coming by my desk several times two days that week asking who had been in my office and detention. One of the was to her office is through mine. I have kids in and out all day. She would not tell me why she was asking. I didn't think much about it once Spring break started.

So Wed. we are told about the note. The staff was not to happy to just be finding out about this note. The Principal didn't feel it was a threat at all. He said that it was just a note. It could have easily have been thrown away by the Librarian and never read. If it was a real threat it would have been written on a bathroom wall or in a very visible place. He told us that they had looked at all of the kids they thought it might have been. What he kids they thought it could be I have no idea. Hmmm ....

The staff was buzzing all day into the ears of each other. I hear a lot where I am located at work. You could say I am like the Water Cooler where people come to talk and get info. The consensus was that no one was happy with finding out 2 weeks after the note was found. Oh and so not happy that there was no investigation to see if it was a real threat or to find the writer of the note and give them consequenses.

I found it very weird when the Principal stopped by my desk and asked to talk to me in his office late on Wed. afternoon. When I got in there he told me again why he didn't feel it was a threat and why he wasn't worried about it. I asked to see the letter as I had a student that week the letter was written that was having major issues. I wanted to see if it was that students writing. I told him who the student was and that the writing didn't even look close to the same.

Crazy ass shit happened next he called that student into his office and went through her locker. Again I can only say Hmmm. I have to admit I felt very weird about him calling me into his office to talk to me privately about his descion. He didn't talk to anyone else in private that I know of.

Thursday morning our computers were down so I went and sat on the other side of the office and hung out. I was asked by one of the Secretaries when I was asked for the info about who was in and out of my office that day and for the attendance. I told her that I was never asked for that information. It was then that I found out that the Principal was given the letter and did nothing with it. The only reason we were told about it was because one of the secretaries took it to the admin building and told them about it. WTF?? He didn't tell anyone?? Now I was questioning everything.

As if that wasn't enough drama ... Not one but two students on Thursday got very upset and both chose the wrong words to use. Oh yes both students threatened to blow the school up on Friday. This was also when I assume the Principal decided to investigate who may have written the letter. So they had an Officer come over and they went through the "high flyers" lockers to compare hand writing. Really 2 weeks and 2 days later and the day before the bomb threat is supposed to happen they decide to investigate it. Just a total coincedence that the two students said the things they did. However both students were suspended and hand writing samples compared. UGH!!

End of the day a staff meeting was called ... where the Principal yet again told us that he was not concerned about the letter and didn't feel it was a threat. One of the teachers asked why he told us now about the note and why the officer was there if they didn't feel it was a threat. The Principal said "Well because the threat is for tomorrow and I thought you all should know". HELLO?? When asked why he didn't tell us the day it was found or the next day he said that he didn't feel it was a real threat and didn't want to add more grief to our week because we had just had talks about budget cuts. He then said that he didn't think that telling us when they found the letter woud have made any difference.

Now I am not one to cause waves or rock the boat but I had to speak up. I said "Actually I think it would have made a huge difference. We could have been looking for the student that day when we all remembered who was in and out of my office. Now we have no memory and you are asking me who was in there." *sigh* I was asked around 1:00 on Thursday for a list of the kids from detention. Guess what no detention list for that day. Unable to be located. Hmm ...

We all left that meeting feeling frustrated. The only thing they were doing for us today was having a fire drill at the time the note indicated that school would be blown up. Oh and having two cops on campus during that time. Oh you betcha that made me fee so safe and confident.

Obviously I am here writing this out and there was no bomb at the school. I am upset though that things were handled in the way that they were. I talked to my Mom Wed & Thursday and she and I agreed ... A threat is a threat is a threat! Take them all seriously no matter how it is put out there.

The students that blurted it out got suspended and parents called. They were upset and the staff all agree it was a burst of anger that made them say it. A note found anywhere on campus should of been dealt with immediatly. Staff should have been notified right away. One of the staff members made a very good point ... This note was found before spring break, what if the student who wrote it was feeling suicidal. We could have been watching students for signs.

*sigh* Crazy crazy craziness!!! I have to admit that I was a little nervous today. I didn't sleep well last night. The chances of a middle school student making a bomb and finding a way to set it off at school are small but let's be realistic it could happen. These kids are having sex, doing drugs and drinking. They have access to guns. They have access to the internet where you can learn how to make bombs. Why wouldn't you take a threat written on a piece of paper seriously?

One last thing on this ... As a parent myself I would be extremely pissed off if I found out that there was a threat like this made to the school my child attended and I was not notified of it. I voiced that in the meeting yesterday also. Of course nothing was done to notify parents.

Ok .... I need to wrap this up

I had my first full week of College. I am way excited and scared. Did I mention I am taking a hip hop class? I am pretty sure I am the oldest student in the class. I feel like a complete idiot trying to do the freakin moves but I will not give up. I have committed myself to this class because I wanted to learn to dance and because it is a good workout. So I will look like a freak on crack trying to dance but I will do it with a smile on my face. :)

My other classes are in the Women In Transitions program. I am really excited about these classes. Don't be surprised if you see some of my work making its way to my blog. One of the classes is about Life Transistions and the other Career and Life Planning.

The Life Transistions book has some awesome questions in it. We don't have to do them as assignments but I think they will be so helpful for me to answer them. I want to keep track of my growth all in one place and this is that place.

I have also decided this week that I am insane for working full time, going to school 4 nights a week and trying to raise 4 kids and keep my house clean. The thought of all those things at once is what is making me scared. I keep telling myself "You can do this. You will not fail". I like the you can do this part ... but maybe I should change it from you will not fail to you will succeed.

Did you really just read all of that? If so you deserve a cookie or something. Go ahead go to your kitchen and get one. ;) I am so not done writing you may need it ...

As I was going through quotes to fit this mixed up post I had to smile when I saw the one below. I breifly told The Jeans about the bomb threat stuff when we talked. I laughed and said "I made it through the day and I'm not dead yet I plan on sticking around for a long time" He responded with this quote ....

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Writers Workshop: Surprise!! Mom lied to you ...

2009-04-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

Oh I love the prompts this week for the Writers Workshop over at Mama's Losin It It was hard for me to pick just one. Don't be surprised if you see another post or two from me using the other prompts. This post however is in response to Numero Uno ...

Why did you do it?

I did it because I could
I did out of love
I did it for fun

I told Mini-me a few lies this last month but dang that girl is way to smart. Actually we are like best friends and it is very hard to keep secrets or surprises.

About 3 and a half weeks ago I received an email on my work account from one of the Dance team parents. A few of the parents had approached the coach about teaching the parents a routine to preform at the Dance team banquet. I was beyond excited and totally willing to join in on the fun. I have waited 4 years to make a fool out of myself to make my daughter laugh.

The parents all met at the coaches house a few days later to learn our routine. I lied to Mini-me and told her that the parents were getting together to do some gift things for State. I should have said we were going to dinner or something. When State came and went and there wasn't as many gifts as she thought there would be she realized I was up to something. I guess another parent told their daughter that we had all gone to the coaches house. She started racking her brain to figure out what we were doing. (The coach has a dance studio in her house.)

She had been begging me to skip my first day of class to come to the banquet. I originally told her I would think about it. When I felt like she was catching on I had to lie to her again. I am such a bad mommy. I told her that there was no way I could miss my first day of class. I agreed to make 2 pans of lasagna and she could take those. I tried to act sad but she kept making me laugh.

Darn that Mini-me! She would say things like:
"Mommy Please Come"
"I know you are up to something. See you are laughing"
"You aren't really going to school. You are going to surprise me and show up and you are all dancing for us"

I picked her up from work on Tuesday at 5 and told her we had to hurry as I had to be at class at 6. I gave instructions on how to finish up the lasagna and get it to the banquet with her friend that was giving her a ride. I felt a little bad lying to her again as I walked out the door. She said "Mommy you aren't really going to school are you?"
I said "Look book bag with books in it and I am leaving now"
She was a bit sad.

When she got to the High School I was already there and had parked my car where I knew she would not see it. It took her almost a minute after she walked in before she realized I was sitting at a table waiting for her.

She yelled at me "Mommy you are such a bad bad liar!! (started crying) I knew you would be here for me. I hate you!!"

Really I am a bad bad liar and I am pretty sure she meant that she loved me. ;) I did feel really bad for lying to her but happy that I surprised her. It is near impossible to pull one over on her. I can only think of 2 other times I have really gotten her.

Sitting through an entire banquet knowing that at the end I was going to surprise her more just about killed me. At the end of the evening the parents started getting up from the tables and walking away. I grabbed my camera and handed it to her. As I was walking away I said "Stay in your seat (I had picked a front table) and hit the record button in a minute or two." She let out a loud shriek and then yelled "OH MY GOSH!!" No more lying she knew what was coming.

Those girls laughed so hard at us. The lying we all had to do was so worth it. For the record I hate lying!! It is my biggest pet peeve. So this was actually hard for me. Probably one of the reasons she was suspicious.

So you want to see me make a fool of myself? Oh please don't beg (ha ha ha). Of course I will share my my great dancing abilities with all of you. Ok ok I won't lie ... My dancing is not that great but it will make you laugh. You should be able to guess which one is me.

I present to you the Parents of the Sheldon High School Dance Team .....

I would do it all over again because

I had a blast
I love my Mini-Me that much
Just because I could

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ~Dave Barry

Titles Suck ...

2009-03-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Dad,

I miss you! You would have been another year older today. At midnight I would have called you and sung Happy Birthday. I would have called you several more times throughout the day and sung it again. I would have bought some silly birthday card from me and one from the kids that they would all sign. Of course it would have a few scratch off lottery tickets in it. You would have me scratch them off ... I have yet to figure out why you always made me do that. More than likely you would win a few bucks.

I am willing to bet we would have eaten at Tio Pepe's over the weekend. Not tonight cause I didn't have the kids and I started school but you probably would have stopped by today just to see me.

FUCK!!! I miss you something fierce. Sorry potty mouth. I often wonder if you can see me. Are you proud? I am not giving up!! I will keep on pushing through the crap in life. Do you see my floors. I can only give credit to you for teaching me how to do that kind of stuff.

I know you are around. I keep finding pennies. I try to pick them all up but sometimes I leave them cause I am in a hurry. I always feel bad when I leave them. Someday I will have to explain the penny story so other people don't think I am totally nuts. Well as you would tell me "You are nuts" Ha ha ha

Anyways ... Happy Birthday Dad!

Love,
Your Oldest Daughter
ShannonAnne

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever. ~Author Unknown

Spring Break Comes To An End

2009-03-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

As soon as I hit send on this post my Spring Break will be over and I will tuck myself into my bed. I had a very productive week and I am happy to say that I never felt like I was going to fall into a funk.

I started off my week by working on the hallway flooring. For the most part I am finished with them. I need a table saw to cut the boards length wise to finish off the last row against the wall. I am going to ask if I can use the saw in the Shop class at work. Can't see why they wouldn't let me.

Took most of Tuesday because I spent my entire night on the phone with the Jeans. We talked until 5 in the morning. I feel like those talks are so eye opening for both of us.

Wed. I finished up the hallway and cleared off the bookshelf at the end of it. Four medium sized boxes off to Goodwill. I love how the hall looks with the floors (almost) done and the bookshelf organized. Mini-me and I went out to dinner with each other and when we got home we tortured the cat. He likes to climb on the car the minute we pull in. If you put your hand to the window he runs to it and rubs himself all over trying to get to your hand to be pet. We are mean ... we sat there for 5 minutes teasing him. Had some beer in the fridge so I grabbed one and went to town on clearing out the crap in my room that I didn't need.

Hallway floors

Thursday I grabbed some left over paint that was out in the garage and painted my room for the first time in the 10 years that I have lived here. I got rid of the TV and stand that was at the end of my bed and the bookshelf of fabric/dolls. There is now just a bed and a desk. So much nicer than it was before. I did manage to break my bed in the process of moving it. I have owned it for just a little over a year and of course the warranty is expired. They wanted $100 to replace the rail that broke and they don't deliver it or put it on the bed. I said screw it and got creative. I had some wood in the garage so I made a box and used it to hold the rail up on the bed.

I have to admit I am a bit embarrassed to show what my room looked like before I tackled it but here I go anyways ....

Before (wall by the door)

After (wall by the door)

My room is no longer a freakish blue/green puke color. It is a wonderful tan and I love it. Still have some work to do on it. Like make curtains and put in the wood floor. The dolls are now homeless. I am going to end up selling most of them. A few will be kept as they were in a commercial the kids and I were in. (Yes I've been on TV nationwide and not for America's Most Wanted). The bookshelf is now in the closet in the living room and all of the fabric is folded nicely. I even had room to store my sewing machines (all 3 of them). If you look carefully you can see the box I made to hold the bed up. Damn I am crafty!!!

Friday before the kids came home I went and picked up my books for my classes. Totally freaking out as I start school tomorrow. Kids and I had a pretty chill night together. Nothing exciting.

Saturday I took them out to Monsters vs. Aliens. They said they all really liked it. I can't say I really liked it and I can't say I hated it. It had some funny moments. Mini-me was totally awesome and watched the kids so I could go have dinner with a friend. Which turned into a fun night with a few other people. I got home after 2 this morning.

Today we got creative and made a video to enter a contest on YouTube. Lowe's is having a Spring Dream Challenge. I could so use some new items to keep the outside of my house in nice condition. The kids and I had a ton of fun coming up with our entry and making it. I love when my kids get creative. I love it even more when something like this comes out of being creative. The bonding & laughing we did today was just awesome. I think I am going to upload all of the bloopers to my YouTube account. Of course all of you lucky readers get to see the video here first ....

Good-Bye Spring Break 2009 I have enjoyed my time with you. Thank you for the wonderful memories.

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr., Life's Little Instruction Book

Writers Workshop: Memory Lane

2009-03-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

I've been secretly following Mama's Losin It. Each Wed. she posts a blog for a Writer's Workshop. I have been wanting to join in but haven't really had the time. I waited patiently today for her to post the 5 choices for topics and have thought about them all day as I finished up the flooring in the hall and purged my room so I can paint it.

Anyways ... I am choosing to write about #4 .... You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

I have thought long and hard today about my childhood and if there was a day I would like to go back to. I have always said that I wouldn't want to go back in time and change anything in my life. I really try to look at my past and learn from everything. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today. I like me!

Now if I had a handy dandy De Lorian with a flux capacitor, you know like the one in Back to the Future. I would so go back and change a few things if I knew they would not affect the way things are now.

My first stop would so be the month or so leading up to my 8th grade graduation. The details are a little fuzzy but either I asked my mom to have someone make my graduation dress for me or she suggested it. Either way I have to admit I was not fully pleased with the outcome. I did ask for my dress to be peach. Hey it was the 80's and peach and mint green were like totally bitchen (at least to me). It is possible that I asked for that style of dress. Ok ok I did ask for that style but I thought it would come in some cool fabric. Not just plain cotton. I also thought it would be a little more fitted or something. I knew nothing about sewing or designing in 8th grade. I would so like to go back and get myself a bitchen dress. I know exactly what dress it would be. There was a white dress that was bubbled at the bottom and it had red polka dots on it. Think Cyndi Lauper meets Madonna 80's style. It was so rad. I wish my mom would have just gotten me that dress. Of course this post would not be complete without embarrassing pictures of me in said dress ...

8th Grade Graduation

Lovely tan lines ... Like gag me with a spoon.

The second stop I would make on my blast to the past voyage would be my Jr. year in High School. Homecoming dance with Chris D. I would so grab him and kiss him the way he deserved to be kissed ... well you know for being in High School. I met Chris the week I found out I was pregnant with Mini-me. I had been joking around for a few weeks to my friends that he would some day be my future husband. We met and found out that our birthdays were Oct. 13 & Oct. 14. He knew that I was pregnant at the time of our Birthday dates but it never phased him. At the age of 17 this sweet and caring boy wanted to take care of me and my daughter. Stupid stupid me turned him down. Not just one time but later when I was 19 I turned him down again. I think I would just go back and kiss him and tell him how freakin awesome and amazing he was.
Can I find a guy like that now please??

11th Grade Homecoming

I was 9 weeks pregnant here

My last stop would be my Sr. year in High School. I would love to go back and give myself a gigantic hug and tell myself that I am awesome and proud of myself. I had Mini-me at the end of my Jr. year of High School. I am not sure how I managed to pull it off but I graduated High School on time while being a teen mom and without support from her bio dad. I don't think that I give myself enough credit for all of the things I have gone through and overcome. (Note to self: You are awesome and so very strong. Give yourself more credit in the future) I would also tell my past self not to be so hard on myself about looks and body image. (I have struggled with an eating disorder since I had Mini-me) After I hugged my past self I would hug baby Mini-me and take in her baby smell one last time. Whisper an I love you into her ear and head back to the future.

Sr. Picture ... I was 17

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now. ~Author Unknown