My Poor Neglected Blog

I think about my blog often. Especially when I get the e-mails stating that there is a new comment that needs publishing. Sadly 99.9% of those comments are just spam bots. Tonight however there was a real comment.
It made me realize that I have neglected my blog. It's not that I don't have a lot of things to say cause I always have stuff to say. ;) I just found a new way to get through things. God is my new blog ... whenever I need to vent, cry, need a friend, etc. He is there for me.

I started my blog as a journal to look back on. It was used for venting and sharing. I miss you my sweet blog but I am glad that I do not need to rely on you for so many things. My life today is so much different now and I am so very happy. :)

I am very very glad that I had to go through all of the things I have written about. They have shaped me and made me who I am today. I am also glad that I wrote those things out and that my life (even though I have been a neglectful blogger) story is helping others. :) God is so powerful and amazing. My struggles that I shared on the internet are helping random people see there life in a different way. Giving them strength and hope to move forward. Thank you Lord!

A quick update then I am off to bed. The last 6 months have been great. I finally moved in August and it was very weird to move to a new place without my Mini-me but I adjusted quickly. Turtle moved in with me full time in October after she and her dad (the ex husband) had a falling out. I only agreed to her moving in full time if she pursued counseling to work on their relationship. They went to counseling for the first time together a little over a week ago. From my understanding it went pretty well. She would like to go back to staying 2 days a week at his house but I am not sure that is going to happen :( It breaks my heart to see my kids hurting ... especially when their dad is the reason why.

Little Man and Little Bird are still splitting time between the two houses and are doing great. The Princess started daycare when I returned to work in Sept. and she loves it. She turned 2 1/2 a few days ago but she looks like she is 18 months. It appears as though she will be petite. :) She is very bright and probably on the edge of being gifted. Not just mom talking ya here. The girl knows all of her colors, can count to 14, knows her shapes and recognizes 5 letters of the alphabet and a few numbers. She speaks like she is 3 or 4. Very articulate and has a great vocabulary. I think she is going to be a lot like Little Man (who is very intelligent).

I returned to work and school in Sept. after an awesome summer. By mid October The Princess and I had both been sick twice. I was stressed with Turtle moving in full time and just exhausted. I did a lot of praying and God showed me that I needed to stop going to school. Huge heartbreak for me but at the same time it was a relief. It took a few weeks to adjust to not having homework every night but my stress levels are so much better. My house is clean all the time now LOL and I get to spend time with my kids. :)

I am very super single and love it. I realized the other day that I am coming up on 3 years of not being in any type of relationship with a man. Totally unheard of for me since I was about 14 years old. I have always had a relationship. If I wasn't hooked up with someone I was flirting. I wouldn't even know if someone was flirting with me these days. Ha ha ha. I am patiently waiting for God to bring me that amazing husband that He has promised me.

Mini-Me and my son in law are doing wonderful. :) Married life is treating them well. Mini-me is going to college full time, teaching dance to 4-6 year olds, and still being a "nanny" to one of my wonderful friends babies.

My dearest blog (and readers if I have any left lol) I will try not to neglect you anymore. I can't promise that I will blog daily, weekly or even monthly but I will try to come and blog at least once every 6 months. :)

To the newest person who commented I hope that you can move forward with out the abusive relationship. You deserve better and so do your children. No one deserves abuse ever! I understand how hard it is to leave and now that your pregnant it seems even harder but do it. Do it for you. Do it for your children. Do it for the baby your growing inside of you. You can and you are fully capable of taking care of your children without a man. Especially one that is abusive. Find new friends that are supportive of you. Show your children what healthy relationships look like and break the cycle of abuse. :)  I have no idea who you are but I will pray for you. :)

I always say it will be a quick blog and it turns into a book ha ha ha ... With all of that I am off to bed.

A New Season

I have known for a few months now that I would be sitting here writing this post tonight. You would think I would have an idea of what I want to say but I don't. So much time has passed since my last entry on here and so much has happened.
Let's see if I can do a quick time line ...
Dec. 2012 ~ Mini Me got engaged
Jan.  2012 ~ Work, college, kids, general life
Feb. 2012 ~ Wedding date set for July of 2012
Mar. 2012 ~ Spring Break in Ca. (Disneyland Whoo Hoo)
Apr. 2012 ~ Same as Jan. plus wedding planning
May 2012 ~ Again more of the same
June 2012 ~ Mini Me turned 21 :) Had our first beer together at a brewery. Started packing for to move houses and for Mini me to move out. Back to Ca. from June 26 to July 7 YAY more Disneyland and the beach.
July 2012 ~ Return home on July 7 from Ca. Pack remainder of house to move on July 10. Move falls through. Unpack most of house for family that will arrive on July 18 for wedding. July 18 family arrives, July 19 Little Man became a teenager, July 21 Mini Me became a wife ... Today July 22 The Royal Princess is 2.

The last 5 days have been so crazy that the quiet that is happening in my house at this moment is making me feel sad. There were 11 of us in the house. It's just Princess and I now. I have no one to talk to about all of the things on my mind.

Letting go of Mini Me was very hard for me. For the last 6 years she and I have been best friends not just a mother and daughter. When we started attending our church all we heard was how unique and special our relationship was. How others would love to have that with their mothers/daughters. Since the Princess was 6 weeks old Mini Me has been taking care of her while I worked. She picked up the other kids from school each day. She helped me with homework. She listened to me vent about work. Yesterday changed everything ... she will no longer watch the Princess or pick up the kids. She won't be down the hall to help me with a homework question or to listen when I need to vent. It's been just barely 24 hours and I miss her so much.

Silly in some ways because she is literally 10 minutes away and I can always text her but not the same. Her husband will be her best friend (as he should be). I've been preparing myself for this for the past 6 months but when this morning came and everyone left she wasn't here to talk to. I had a moment of crying ... Ok I had 2 moments. They were brief but I imagine that I will cry more this week. I have to tackle the moving issue and I am nervous because I can't call her to vent if anything goes wrong. I need a new friend ... so I am back to blogging.

I will put my words here on the nights that I need to get things out. As sad as I am that Mini Me and I will no longer have the same relationship I am excited for the new things ahead for me and for her. I am having a hard time explaining right now but I can say that I am in a New Season of my life. I am leaving all of the old stuff behind and moving forward. I don't know how long this season will last before a new one comes along. I am just going to embrace what I have right now and go with it.

The Princess is beckoning me to lay down with her so that is my time to end this. I can't leave without pictures though ....

Mini Me looking like a Royal Princess 

Princess ~ Taken at the exact time she was

born 7:53 pm July 22, 2012

Me ~ Ready to give my Mini Me away
I think I look pretty good ;) 

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Giving Praise

It has been a very very long tough week. Well let's be honest the past 6 weeks have been rough.
Sick kids, sick me, back to sick kids.

Work has been DRAMA central. I belong to a union and there was so much drama they are now involved and there are weekly facilitated meetings to try to work everything out. The meeting on Friday made me so upset that I walked out crying with in the first half hour. I had to go text my mom for prayer. Then I sat at my desk and prayed. I was so upset. I am way better now but not really looking forward to work Monday. I did gain a little respect from some other co-workers. That is always a plus :)

If you read my last post life it's pretty much been the same this week.

The Sped teacher for Little Man is just not doing his job. A month from the IEP meeting and I still don't have an IEP in my hands. Sped teacher admitted on Thursday that he hadn't even started writing it yet. Are you kidding me? Oh and the paperwork I asked to have them fill out for testing ... they got it to me a day later than I asked and only half filled out. Really? I feel like they want my son to fail :( I know not the case but come on people do your job. There our plenty of teachers with out jobs that would take yours in a minute.

The Ex issues are bigger ... the school counselor rocks and came to my work to talk. She knows my time is limited and knew I couldn't afford to miss work. (God is good) The conversation went well and pretty much how I expected it to. Child protective services will be called. I am not even sure I want to go into full details here. I can say that I am anxious about the entire situation. One never knows how the ex will react to things. He either does an about face and pulls his head out of his butt (at least temporarily) or he gets angrier and worse in his behaviors. I am hoping for the first and that is is permanent.

Even with the kind of week I had I am still giving Praise to my Heavenly Father. :) Never an easy thing to do when all you really want to do is tell the world where to shove it and crawl into a bed. God is just growing me up (again). Building character in me. James 1 is a great example of giving praise in times of turmoil.
I will continue to Praise the Lord :) In good times and in bad.

Pluses about this week ...
Princess is feeling better (she was the latest sick kid in this house)
Even though I thought it was going to kill me to stand my Mommy ground I did it. :) I had grounded Turtle and was going to cave in due to exhaustion from my very long week and not wanting to deal with more attitude from her. I didn't cave and she apologized. YAY a mommy victory!
A very nice coworker who knows my financial situation has offered the kids and I a food basket from his church for Thanksgiving. He was afraid to ask if I wanted it cause he didn't want to embarrass me. :( I am so blessed that he did ask and that I let my pride go and excepted it. I have learned that God provides for me in the craziest of ways and I need to except when it happens.
Even though the meeting was tough at work. I prayed. I regained my composure. Went back in and was able to get my points across later in the meeting. A huge achievement for me as it is very hard for me to speak up in general ... let alone an environment that is very hostile.
DUDE I am alive :) Just getting to be alive is a pretty awesome thing. I survived the week.

I was looking at some comments before I posted this and I came across one that had been left under this post. Can I just tell you I don't remember writing that post but I do remember why I was so upset. I am so glad God let me go through that time. He let me go through that time to grow. Just like I am going through things now. Yes they are different now cause He is working on other things in me. What is even way cooler to me ... the comments I have been getting lately have all had the same theme. Single moms struggling and finding my blog. My blog that has given them hope and encouragement. God used me ... me! Little Ol' Me to bless other people. My story and struggles are helping others. God is using my struggles to not only build me up but to build others up. What an amazing God. :) I will take struggles any day of the week if it means that my struggles and my love for the Lord can help another person.

Oh another plus ... I finished all of my Excel homework. Just have my final exam on Dec. 5. I am so very happy that I do not have any more homework in that class. That is some hard stuff to learn. LOL

Off to bed ...

Sick, Learning Disorders, and Ex Issues

I've been wanting to post for a week or so. I have stuff to say ... then I got sick. I have been sick for a week and let me tell you I am so over being sick. I am tired of coughing. I am so not doing well with minimal sleep (from the coughing). Having a 15 month old that is cutting 3 molars is not helping in the sleep area.

Life has been good. Even as I type this life is good. I have to had the BUT .... but it has been crazy. Seriously every time I move a step closer to God I find myself under major attack from the enemy. Life was nice and calm for a little while there. Now it is just crazy insane nonsense. Pardon my jumbled thoughts I think I might be a little rusty and typing out my thoughts. LOL

I  am trying deal with Little Man probably having a learning disability and ADD. Even though I have always known in the back of my mind that he might have ADD it is still like a kick to the gut. I question what I may have done. Why didn't I have him tested sooner. Typical mom feelings when she finds out something is wrong with her child. Real quick background ... Little Man is not and has not been a typical child. I have known since he was about 2 that he was extremely intelligent. Not just intelligent but brilliant. At 3 I read him Go Dog Go before bed one night. The next night he told me what was on each page before I could even read it to him.  School was a struggle. I had teachers calling me and telling me he was immature in Kinder and 1st grade. He couldn't sit still. He was a distraction. At the end of his 3rd grade year I was asked to come in and discuss Little Man's issues with reading and writing. I agreed to testing and we put him on an IEP. Three years later my son can't write at anything better than a 2nd to 3rd grade level. He is in 7th grade.

Is it the school's fault? Is it my fault? Why can't he write? No one explains to you the IEP process. As a parent you are thrown into a world that you don't understand and the school says they will take care of it. Learning accommodations are put on paper but I am learning that they have never been implemented. At least not for my son. If I had been in a better more stable place in the past 5 years I would have researched more for my son. I would have been paying attention to what was and wasn't happening for him at school and with his learning.

Three weeks ago I had his IEP meeting. Same complaints as usual. He can't write. He doesn't turn in his work. He fidgets in class. One teacher even asked if he could be using a computer in her class. My response was well it's in his accommodations but no one has ever offered it to him. GRRR!!! I left the meeting feeling frustrated. I went to work and started sharing with co-workers (I work for a school district). Advice started flying and now I am on a major mission to make changes for my son.

In the last 3 weeks I have learned through test score that my son took in the 4th grade that he is smart. I mean like uber freakin smart. At 9 years old my son tested at a college level for oral expression. In math he tested at an 8th grade level in 4th grade. Even though I have always known in my mom heart how smart he is it was still a huge shock to see it on paper. I sat in complete shock for about 15 minutes. Sadly those same tests showed that his writing ability was in the 1st grade level.

I am pretty sure my son falls into this Twice Exceptional category. After spending a lot of time talking with my son and looking back over the past few years I am pretty sure he has Dysgraphia. I am in the process of filling out paperwork to have him tested at the research center here in town. It's taken 3 weeks to even get the paperwork from them. It will be another 3 before an appointment is scheduled and then I am told it can be a 6 month wait before the actual appointment. :( In the mean time I have asked for an advocate to come with me to the school and help get more accommodations for him and actually have them followed.

Just the issues with Little Man have been draining on me. I feel as though I am a walking zombie with this cold. I keep asking the Lord for strength to get through everything and just when I think I am taking a step forward something else pops up.
Last night it was an email from Turtle. The kids go to their dads Sun-Tues. I pick them up on Wed from school. Normally Turtle has her cell phone but she just happened to get grounded before she left to the Ex's on Sun. So she basically tells me in her email that once again they were not allowed to go home after school. Turtle called him from the school office at 4 to find out what they were supposed to do. He told them to walk down to the supermarket and wait there. So they did and they waited 45 minutes. Since she didn't have her phone and it was getting dark she and Little Man walked to a friends house to call their dad. He got upset with them for leaving the store and yelled at them. She then said it took another 20 minutes before he picked them up.
This is not the first time he has told them they are not allowed to go home after school. In fact it happens almost every week. His reason why ... cause his girlfriend who he lives with is sleeping. She works nights. However her daughter who is also in middle school gets to go home right after school. Are you kidding me??? My children are left at school or to wander the streets for 2 hours after school but hers gets to go home??
So Turtle went to the school counselor today to discuss the problem. I spent 20 minutes talking to the counselor tonight on the phone. The only reason she did not call CPS was because she knows me and wanted to discuss the situation with me first.
So now the counselor is calling the Ex to talk with him. She agrees with me that my kids are not in a safe place when they are with their dad. (Someone remind me to blog about the 4th of July and what happened with the Ex) I am expecting major fall out with the Ex. He is either going to take his anger out on me, the kids, or all of us. :( The counselor and I agreed that if that is the case then a call to CPS will be made. :(

I would love to have my kids full time if it meant they were safe and my Ex would stop being a abusive jerk to me and them. However I don't think I have what it takes right now for a custody battle. :( I know that God has a plan in all of this. I know HE will take care of my kids and me. But gosh darn it I am human and I lack faith at times.

I believe I have rambled on enough for the night. LOL I need to take my coughing sick self to bed. I need strength emotionally, physically and mentally for the battle I will need to fight in the upcoming days and months.

Man I miss blogging. I need to start taking a day of rest and spend it doing things I love. Like sewing and writing on here. I know sewing isn't really resting but it is my happy thing that relaxes me. :)

Addicted!!

Oh my goodness! I am not really sure how I came across my newest addiction. I think I saw it on a few blogs. Just the word. Nothing else. I needed to know what it was. I Googled it. Now I am ADDICTED!!

Have you been to Pinterest yet? Oh my goodness I could spend all day on there looking at all of the pin boards. I have found some amazing recipes, awesome sewing tutorials, and just some awesome cuteness. I started a wedding album with cute ideas ... you know for when my girls get married.

If you are on Pinterest already let me know and I will add you. I seriously think I might need an intervention ...

Other than my new addiction there is not one exciting thing happening in my part of the world. I mean unless you think them totally repaving my neighborhood. My car is parked 4 blocks away as we can't drive on the street. I am working on table pieces for a wedding .... I guess that is exciting. lol I am getting paid a little which is always nice.

I am off to sew

Summer Sewing

So I was laid off again this past June. No big deal  as I was number 2 on the recall list (I was recalled this week). I normally have summers off anyways so getting laid off just meant that I would receive unemployment this year. Which has proven to be very handy as I had no idea how I was going to pay for anything.

Anyways ... with all of my free time I have been sewing, sewing, sewing, and sewing. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE sewing? It makes me so happy inside. :)

The Princess has all sorts of cute dresses ...

I love this fabric!!

 Alice 

 

             Ariel                   

Minnie Mouse

  Snow White

She has her very own line of Princess dresses to wear. :) Man I am so glad that God blessed me with another daughter. I love sewing for my kids but she makes sewing that much more fun. 

My favorite project so far this summer has been the Mickey Mouse quilt. (Do you see a theme here yet?)

I am on a major Disney kick. I love Disney. I want to go to Disneyland like yesterday! It makes me feel all happy inside like sewing does. So I had this crazy idea to make a rainbow colored Mickey Mouse head quilt. I get so excited when I picture something in my head and it turns out even better. :) 

Doesn't this just scream Disney World of Color? I want to take this to Disneyland and sit right in front of the castle and have a picnic. I still can't believe that God has given me such an amazing talent. This was a picture in my head. It was colored fabric on bolts in a store. It is now a quilt to cuddle under, have a picnic on, smile while you watch fireworks or your favorite Disney movie. I feel so blessed to be able to create and sew. 

The Princess needs me :) She is standing here talking her sweet baby talk. Here is my plug for myself ... If you  like any of the things I have made you can purchase them in my Etsy (<---- You know you want to visit) shop. I also do custom orders :) In fact today I will be making 35 table cloths for a wedding that is 10 days away. 

No time for a quote today.

It has been 8 months since I have written.
Kids.
School.
Work.
Sewing.
Church.
Life in general seem to keep me from here. When I started my blog it was mainly to write about life when I couldn't find any other way to deal with things. God now plays a huge role in my life ... blogging has taken a back seat. I miss my blog. I miss writing. I have been wanting to come back and write again just haven't found the time. Mini-me even said that I need to write again. Just to write.

So life is good. :) 8 months of life has passed and I can say pretty much drama free. I have been blessed countless times over the past few months. God really has been taking care of me. I have healed a few sore spots on my heart and life. I still have a lot more to work on. Areas I could write about and I hope to write about.

Maybe I will come back this evening and write more ... I noticed that someone missed me :) and I have a few new followers. I am glad that even though I don't blog as much as I used to my blog has been an encouragement to others. :) Praise the Lord for using my struggles to help others see that they can make it through!!

Princess turned 1 this past Friday .... and boy has she grown since I last wrote. Leaving you all with a picture of her. Off to make dinner, pick up the house and sew.

At the zoo 3 days before her 1st Birthday

Fall & Baby B

Baby B will be dedicated Thanksgiving weekend. I decided that she needed a cute picture for the day. So we took a little trip out to a friends house to take some.

 

Who would of guessed that a 3 1/2 month old would love the leaves so much. 

 

 She was not very happy that we wouldn't let her eat them.

 She made a dive for them and got a few. Which had us laughing.

After many attempts for her to sit on her own and keep the leaves out of her mouth we got a cute picture.

This girl is just just melts my heart. All of my kids do but you know what I mean. I wish I had more time to write but we have a busy day ahead of us. I have a nice line up of sewing jobs. (YAY!! Go Me!) I might actually get my sewing business off the ground.

Turning 36

In just a little over 4 hours I will be turning 36. I have been feeling good about this until this morning and I had a small panic moment. I am no longer in my early 30's I am in my my mid/late 30's. Whoa Nelly how did this happen. I don't really feel 36 ... I am not sure I look 36 ... and really it's not like 36 is old. I feel pretty darn good most days.

I started to feel better about turning 36 until I was on my way home from work. That 20 minute drive is just enough time to let my mind wander. Today it wandered down that yucky path I like to call Negativity Lane. I thought to myself ... I am going to be 36. I am single. I have 5 kids. What are the chances that I will find a good man? ... like a really good man. What are the chances I will get married before I am 40? I started to get down on myself and the chances that I will ever find anyone. Then I tuned back into the real world and heard the following lyrics blasting from my stereo ....

I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.

blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.

                                         ~Brett Dennen 

Why am I freaking out? I am a beautiful. I am strong. I am a pretty kick butt mom. Someone will come along and love me and my babies. :) If it doesn't happen before I turn 40 so be it. I've been single for four years ... what's another four.

36 you don't scare me. I am going to embrace you and squeeze every ounce of life out of you. The good and bad. Bring on the gray hairs (already found one this month). Bring on the wrinkles ... they won't be from crying, frowning or pouting they will be from the smiles and laughing.

I couldn't decide on just one quote to end my post tonight so I leave you with a few ...

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  ~Mark Twain

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?  ~Satchel Paige

 

Good Times ...

Where to start ... It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Life is going well over in my world. :)

My faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds. Since March when I returned to church full time I have seen so many amazing things happen in my life (and my kids). I lost my home but God gave us a new one. I literally had no money yet He has provided in numerous ways ... from my Church paying a bill for us, to random money showing up from my insurance company, and random people at church (that I barely know) putting money in my pocket and whispering in my ear that they felt led to give it to me.

Our Pastor often says "God is Good" and the congregation replies with "All the Time". He then says "All the Time" and we say back "God is Good". Even on days where things seem impossible to me or the kids you will hear one of us say one of the above and the rest of us say the other part back. Seriously God is good. :)

I won't lie things are hard being a single mom (to 5). Mini-me had a cold this last weekend. Since she watches the baby daily guess who caught the cold ... that's right Baby B. Now Turtle has it. I am guessing the boys and I will soon get it. It sucks but to put a positive spin on it ... we've gotten at least one sickness out of the way for the season ahead. LOL Even with my faith I still have times where I am freaking out about everything and how is God going to take care of it.

I honestly can't remember how much I wrote about the troubles I was having at work at the start of the year but things have so changed. I was so dreading going back to work. Like seriously cried about it. Not just because I didn't want to leave my baby girl or that pumping would be hard but because I just don't get along with a certain person at work. I was expecting the worst but all I can say is that God has done some major changes. Changes in me and my attitude that I am sure is playing a part in this. We got a new boss and she is making some changes of the good kind. :) I admit it still not that place I want to be working at but I am seeing that I am there for a reason.

The Coach is still a tard and I don't have a whole lot to say on that. The Ex is also a tard but again nothing new there. Mini-me and I have agreed that we need to start documenting everything when it comes to both of them. You know just in case either of them decide to follow through with the threats they make.

If you have followed my blog for a while this might come as a shock to you like it did me. The Jeans and I haven't talked much over the last few months as life is just uber busy. We finally caught up the other night and I was sent into a state of shock when he told me that he was going to be a daddy. :-o I know that I have mentioned in previous writings that I know he and I will never be together but man that hurt. I cried. I was angry. I shared with him my feelings. Not surprising that the way I am feeling is the same way he felt when I told him I was pregnant with Baby B. It made me sad when he told me that he doesn't even love the woman. Made my heart break when he told me that he never thought he would have kids with anyone but me. He apologized over and over again. I know in my heart that he is  not the man that God wants me to be with but it still hurts. No matter how things turn out between us I will always love him.

As for my sewing stuff and getting a business going ... it's been slow going. Working full time has made it hard to sew as much as I would like. On the plus side ... there are a few people at church that know my desire to start my business so they have been getting the word out that I sew. I am currently working on altering a bridesmaid dress, replacing a zipper in a hooded jacket, making tutu center pieces for a baby shower and a baby quilt for that baby shower. :-o I made Mini-me a tutu this week for a photo shoot for her dance job.

I know I suck at putting up the birth story of Baby B. and I know I need to update with pictures. I am hoping that I can get to that in the next few weeks. Oh oh two last things ... My sister had her 2nd baby on Oct. 1st. and I got to be there for the birth. YAY! Birth is such an amazing thing. Last thing .... My birthday is this upcoming Wed. YAY!! Even though I found another gray hair this past week I don't feel like I am going to be 36 and I learned I don't look like I am. Someone thought I was 25 this week. Whoo hoo

I wish I had more time to blog. I always feel so good after getting everything out. :)

"God is Good"

"All the Time"

The Return To Work and Life

Oh man I feel like I horrible blogger. I spent the last few weeks of my summer enjoying my babies ... all 5 of them. The Ex has been a bit of a thorn in my side about things. I can't even write about it now because I will get all upset again. Blah


Tuesday was my 1st day back at work. Talk about killer emotionally. I have never had to leave one of my babies at this young of an age. Mini-me I left when she was just over 3 months. The other 3 I never had to leave. Poor Baby B was just 7 weeks yesterday. I have never had to pump my breast milk before and that was not an easy thing to get going. Mini-me is a rockin older daughter and takes care of Baby B every day while I am at work. The first two days were rough on both of the girls. I came home to some crying. :( The last two days have been better. I even have the pumping thing down at work. And let me just tell you pulling your boobs out at work and attaching a suction machine to it is pretty darn awkward. LOL

I am still looking for a new job as I am not fully happy with the position I am in. If I could transfer back to where I was 2 years ago I would be so very happy. As much as I want to go back I know that God has me where I am for a reason. Not sure what that reason is but I know he has some sort of plan.

The Coach has made contact with me once I believe since my last post. See I am a bad blogger I can't remember anything I posted last time. He still hasn't seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. Honestly I like it this way. I don't need or want his abusive behaviors in our lives. I have filed the paper work with the DA's office to get child support going ... however I don't think I will ever see any money from him.

Hmm what else has been going on ... I am still poorer than poor. Phones were turned off for a day as I couldn't afford the bill. Scrounged every last penny we had to get them turned back on and still have money for rent. I am praying about how I will pay the Oct. rent. I only get paid once a month, on the 15th. I won't get my first paycheck until Oct 15. This will be an interesting few months playing catch up on bills and such.

I have been thinking about filing bankruptcy. Spoke with an attorney but she wants $1500 to do it all. If I had that kind of money I would pay some of my bills. LOL I can try to file with out an attorney but I am nervous about screwing it up. :( Something needs to be done soon though.

I swear someday I will get around to posting Baby B's birth story. :) Trying to adjust to going back to work. Just when I get this routine down I will start classes again at the college. Ha ha ha ... yes I am that crazy. I am taking classes online this term so I don't have to be away from home.

Hi to my new readers :) I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.

I am off to cuddle my sweet little one some more. She is curled into a ball on my chest right now.

You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list.  The longer your list, the smaller your God.  ~Author Unknown

Sometimes ...

One handed typing and need to vent ...


Even with my faith in God I struggle daily.
Money is so seriously non existant around here I want to cry.
I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent for Sept.
Mini-me is not working and neither am I.
Even when I go back to work my first paycheck won't come in until Oct.
That means Oct rent is impossible to pay and then there are the bills that are stacking up. :(

As if money wasn't stressing me out enough I have an Ex husband who is a jerk and a half and that is putting it nicely.
I seriously should not be allowed to pick the next man I date (if I ever date again). I have a horrible man picker. :(
So my move has put the kids out of the boundries for the schools they have gone to for years.
The Ex has decided with his girlfriend that Little Bird should go to a different school by him.
I (and the kids) want to put in for a transfer and stay at the schools they have gone to.
The Ex came to my house Sat to drop off boys and started yelling at me ... when asked to leave he got louder. At that moment I was wishing my police officer neighbor was home ... sigh
Today when he came to get the kids he said some things that were just not appropriate to say to the kids ... that had to do with the fight he and I had Sat. :(
Now I get a lengthy email telling me how he called the School District and how he is insisting the kids use his home addy for school. He still insists Little Bird goes to the school he wants him to.

I am so tired of men telling me how I am going to raise MY children. It would be different if they were "real" fathers who actually contributed to the lives of their children. The Ex only does things for the kids at his convenience ... or in typical divorced parent fashion to make me look bad. Cause you know its a competition on who does or gives the kids the most. :(

He called me white trash on Sat. and told me that I was a failure as a parent because I didn't throw Little Bird a birthday party or plan one for him. :( I know this shouldn't hurt me as I know I am not a failure as a parent nor am I white trash but it does. :( I already struggle with the fact that I can't provide things like birthday parties for my kids ... I work, go to school and raise kids while he goes to school and lives off his girlfriend and unemployment. GRRR

I am just struggling :( I love God and I know without a doubt he will provide for me and my babies. I know that I should not worry about the money, The Ex being a jerk or anything else but dang it I do. Sometimes I just want to holler and cry at God. I want to ask why? and please show me what you have planned but I know that is pointless. He is using all of these things to build me up ... to refine me. *sigh*

I need Prayer ... I would ask for money lol but not sure anyone is willing to just send that to me or pay my bills. Hey I still have a sense of humor :) I need to find time to sew and get my stuff on Etsy .... then I need to have faith that it will sell.

Ok going to bed as my sweet Baby B will be up soon to nurse.

I go back to work in 2 weeks ... I have no one to watch the baby and oh then there is the matter of money to pay someone to watch her. SIGH :( Learning to pump my milk the last 2 days has been a challenge.

More later ...

Oh So Cute ...

Sweet Baby B smiling in her car seat as I did my hair this morning.

 

 

My Big brother and I ... I believe I was 7 weeks old. 

( I had a big head LOL)

Half asleep on my couch with a baby sprawled across my lap. Just wanted to share a picture of her from this morning and one of me when I was a baby. I can see now why everyone thinks she looks like me ... I still see a lot of her dad in her expressions. 

A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer.  ~Author Unknown

(and I am so blessed to have 3 daughters)

Settling in to our new life ...

I think we are settled in for the most part.
Moving was chaotic and stressful to me and Mini-me but it is over. Unpacking is still a work in progress. Our new place is smaller so finding a place for everything is a bit of a challenge.

Baby B is doing wonderful. :) As of last Friday at her 2 week check-up she was 6lbs 10oz (up 6oz from birth) and she was 19 inches long (up a half an inch from birth). She is just a tiny little thing.
Her favorite spot is on my chest curled into a tight ball. Today she was fussing while on my shoulder I slid her down a little pushed her legs under her and she instantly stopped eyes closed and she was out. So sweet *sigh*

The Coach is a loser. I know I know not very nice to say but oh so true for so many reasons. He has not seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. He texted me when she was 10 days old. Instructing me to set up a time to meet with him so we could go over a parenting plan. Ummm hello parent-that-doesn't-really-give-a-crap Baby B is not leaving my side anytime soon.
After sending the same text to me on day 14 and day 17 of Baby B's life he finally called and told me that I had to make time to meet with him. Ha ha ha ... My response was not one that he liked very much.

I would really like to tell him where he can shove it however I am trying to treat him as God would. Not an easy task I tell ya. Sigh If he wants to see Baby B he needs to pull his head out of his butt and call me and ask to come see her. Unless God preforms a miracle I don't see The Coach changing anytime soon.

I have sent in the paperwork to get child support started. Doubt I will see any money anytime soon but I want him to realize he is not going to walk all over me anymore.

As for Baby B's birth story I am getting to it I promise. :) More pictures or maybe a video will be posted also. I can't believe that I had a baby 3 weeks ago and moved across the city when she was 10 days old ... and we both survived lol.

Money ... well I would say money is tight but that is an understatement lol. I received a surprise check from the insurance company however it was gone before I could get it to the bank. :( I am seriously fully relying on God to provide for us.

I am off to feed a baby and deal with an 11 year old boy who is testing my patience. LOL

Moving ...

Crazy chaos will give details later.

Moving is hard.
Moving out of your home of 11 years hurts.
Moving with 12 day old baby ... and feeling useless as I can't do much.

Need major prayer about money as I have $500 to make it to Oct. and I got a cancelation notice on my car insurance today and my phone. :( Mini-me lost job last week so there is no income happening her.

Typing one handed need to change baby B.
Will update soon.

The choas of my house.

It has been go go go since Baby B was born. The day she was born we put our application in for a house. Have been waiting patiently (ok not totally patient) to hear back if we were approved.

Signed away my house yesterday :( That was an emotional moment for me. Yes I actually cried.
Closing on the house is Friday. Yes as in like 2 days.

As of this morning I still hadn't heard about the house we applied for. About 10am I found out we were approved. PRAISE THE LORD!! Was told we could move in Friday. Was very excited.

As the day progressed I was told we can't move in Friday. UGH We are getting housing assistance and they have to inspect the house before we can move in. They can't inspect it until next week. NOOOOOO ....

Back to major praying. Where do I store my stuff for 5 days? Where do I live with 5 kids until it is inspected? Sigh

Then I am told by realtor that there might be a delay on closing. I will know more tomorrow. I asked her if it would be wrong of me to Pray that there will be a delay. LOL She said no and she is praying for the same thing.

It has been a crazy few days. Mini-me and Little Bird both have dance camp all week. Mini-me is at the studio 3 times a day. So she can't do much packing. Have friends here now doing the packing. Garage is pretty cleaned up. Have a huge pile on the side of the house waiting for a trailer to go to the dump.

I have total Faith in God that He is going to work this all out. Is it stressful? Yes
Am I glad that God is working in me and on me and that I am growing from this? Yes :)
How else would I be a better person if I didn't have these rough times to go through.

Baby B is a nursing champ. Seriously the girl loves to nurse. Maybe she is making up for being so small at birth. :) She loves to cuddle and be in my arms. Loves when I play worship music and sing to her. :)

She is beckoning me now. I promise when we get settled I will post her birth story and more pictures.

Just a quick pic ...

Just driving by my own blog to post a picture of the newest family member :) I am so seriously head over heals in love with this girl.
Thank you all for the congrats. :)

Baby B has arrived ..

One hour and one minute after my last post Baby B made her arrival in to the world. :)
She was born at 7:53 pm (PST).
She weighs 6lbs 4oz
She is 18 1/2 inches long
Apgars were 6 and 8 (she had some struggles)
and can I just say cuter than all get out. :)

She had a little trouble breathing and was a little blue but after some vigorous rubbing she got to crying and pinked up. :) She is a champion at nursing.

Mini-me got to attend the birth even after I originally said no LOL. I declined to cut the cord and let Mini-me do it. :) Talk about a special moment.

I will post pictures and a full birth story soon. Along with how I told The Coach and his reaction. LOL

Thank you all so much really for the positive comments and support. I really couldn't be more blessed in my life. :)

Oh and my other kids are IN LOVE with their new baby sister.

Guess where I am?

If you guessed the hospital you are the winner but there is no prize for this game. LOL
Went to the Dr. around 1pm my time. Had her check me and do another sweep of my membranes. Got me to around 4 cm and a free pass to the hospital. :)
Got here and checked in around 4pm. Water was broken about 45 minutes later. Since I had my water broken and wasn't super dilated it is going to take a little longer than my other kids but eh that's ok.

I'm having a baby!!!

I will post more soon :)

Thank you all for the support. It means so much to me.

My ESP, a Vent, and Baby/House news

Oh where to start ... Just over an hour ago I walked into Mini-me's room and said ...
"I have this very bizarre feeling that The Coach will contact me soon"

Came to my room sat on the bed with my laptop. Phone next to me and about 15 minutes later it lights up with a text from who else but The Coach. I screamed "Oh My Gosh" in such a way that Mini-me yelled back "Oh my gosh did your water just break?"

I told her no that she had to come look at my phone and she started freaking out. She accused me of contacting him LOL. It is a bit freaky that I have some strange ability to sense when things are going to happen.

So it's been somewhere between 12-14 weeks since of no contact on his part. Well minus the day I met him for lunch ... about 7 weeks ago now. That was the day he proceeded to tell me he wants to go to the rest of the Dr. appointments. After much prayer on my part I called and left him a message the night before the appointment. Texted him on the way to the appointment. I believe I posted all of this. Did he show? Did he call? Did he text? Oh that would be NO No and no. So in my eyes everything he said that day was a lie.

Now tonight at 10:30pm. 9 days before my due date he has the freakin nerve to text me and say the follow ...
"Hey I just wanted 2 check on u. Dont kno where u stand but I still wanna kno wuts goin on and be there. B nice 2 talk again. Hope you and Dani r healthy ... "
(umm yes that is exactly how he texted it to me ... He is a 35 yr old man that texts like he is 16)

Please forgive me Lord ... BUT ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? A text message. Not a phone call. At 10:30 at night. Not during the day or early evening when most people contact other people. He wants to check on me? For what? He has not had one ounce of interest since he got a new girlfriend. It would be nice to talk to me? Hmm well the last I checked talking meant you had to CALL not text. What could we possibly talk about? How he still hasn't gotten a job for the summer? How he promises to be around for Dani when she is born. Or how we need to work out a parenting plan? Oh maybe he will finally tell me he has a girlfriend. Oh oh oh I got it ... he wants to talk so he can tell me he misses me and the good times. HA HA HA And he hopes we are healthy ... uh huh I am glad that has been a huge concern the last 14 weeks.

Ok I feel way better getting that off my chest. I have not responded to his text. I paced back and forth in my hallway for a good 20 minutes. I vented a crap load to Mini-me who reminded me to Pray Pray Pray. I love that girl. I do not plan on responding to his text unless God gives me His words to say. I know that there is no way that I could respond in a nice way at all. He will get a phone call from me after the baby is born.

Speaking of the baby ... I spent most of my night contracting. Major ones that kept me awake and tossing and turning. I got about 3 hours sleep. And because this is my blog I am just going to be gross so if you don't want to read the gross stuff skip to the next paragraph now ... I lost a huge chunk of bloody show this morning and a ton more this evening and tonight. Seriously I hope I am making some progress on the dilating and effacing front.

I am going to call my Dr. in the morning and ask to come in and be checked. She is on call and said if I was having ANY contractions to call. LOL I believe that 4 in an hour counts and with the gross stuff I mentioned above it is worth a call. :)

I fully believe by this time tomorrow night (Thursday night) I will be holding my sweet baby girl. If I am not I will be very very surprised.

On the house front ... I found two places last night while I was online and called first thing this morning. One of them didn't except housing assistance which sucked cause the house is in the area we want to live. The second house "may" accept the housing assistance and it is about 15-20 minutes from where we live now. My kids would have to be driven to school everyday and my drive to work and the college would be long.

They got me in to view the house with in the hour of calling them. To my surprise the house is in a neighborhood that is adorable. There is a police officer in the house right next door. AND AND AND ... The house is exactly what I have been looking for (minus location). Size perfect. Lots of kitchen cabinets. Hardwood floors throughout. Two car garage (and it's large) with laundry hook ups in it. The master bedroom even has a small half bath. :-o That would mean no more waiting outside the bathroom door lol.

The lady at the property company was so so so nice. I explained everything to her. About being pregnant and due any minute with an induction set for Monday. I told her about the house selling and my credit situation. The housing assistance and needing to be out of my house by the 28th. She suggested writing a letter explaining my situation to the owner of the house and she will include it with our applications. She said she will pass it by the owner and the manager of the property company before I pay for the application fees. Just in case the owner won't accept the housing assistance. I had already planned on writing a letter but her suggesting it made me feel even better.

So I filled out the apps for Mini-me and I and wrote a letter and emailed it all to the lady. Now I pray that if it's the right house God will work everything out for us. :) I really don't want to be that far out from where we live now but I am totally trusting that God has this all taken care of.


I hope that my next blog post has a picture of me holding a baby girl. :) Or me updating to say that I am in labor and then me holding her. :)