Joyful Summer Nights

It's been an emotional few days for me. I am seriously ready to meet this baby.
I have 11 days now to find a place to live and move out of my home of 11 years. I have yet to find us a safe place to call our new home.
Not having a job during the summer months always stresses me out. The lack of income is scary for me. I do have money set aside but with having to move and a new baby I worry.
I have God and that is where I have put all of my worries, stresses and fears. My faith is still intact and even though I see no hope I know that He has a plan for us and will take care of us.

On Monday it will be 11 years to the exact day that I gave birth to my sweet, cuddly, loving, Little Man. I am still in shock that he will be 11 and entering middle school in just a few short weeks.

In typical mom fashion I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I have come to realize over the last year or so that I don't have typical kids. They don't ask for big parties so they can get lots of gifts. They usually want to just do a lunch or dinner as a family. They ask for one big gift and maybe a couple of smaller ones. What has really surprised me is that they have all started asking for me to make them gifts. It started with Little Bird last August when he asked for a Disney Cars pillow. Not a pillow you sleep with but a throw pillow with a special cover made by me. He asked for another pillow at Christmas time. Mini-me asked for a blankie this past month for her 19th b-day. I am talking like a blankie that she could carry around like a toddler would. With soft fuzzy fabric and a dinosaur print. She has been known to carry it in her purse.

So when I asked Little Man what he wanted it was not surprising to me when he asked me to make him something. He requested a new body pillow with a personalized pillow cover. The boy seriously sleeps with like 4 regular pillows and a body pillow already. He buries himself in them and blankets every night. I spent most of Tuesday and part of Wed. of this week printing off letter templates, tracing, cutting fabric, ironing fabric and sewing it all onto black fabric to make a 20 x 52 pillow covering. Little Man loves origami. He takes origami paper with him everywhere. So what better font to use than an origami font. His name goes across the pillow in shades of yellows and greens. Each letter looks like folded paper. I can't wait to give it to him. :)

He will be getting other gifts but I wanted to do something special for him this year. He asked for a skate party at the skating rink but being that I am 38 weeks pregnant I told him not this year. We live next to the Minor League Baseball stadium. So I surprised him tonight by taking him to the game. Not only was it Friday night Fireworks night but all four of my kids set a World Record. :)

The stadium hosted a Mi Koo Jackson night. At the end of the game everyone was invited out to the field to participate in the first ever large group Moonwalk. Guinness World Records people were on had to witness the account. The group had to do the Moonwalk for 5 minutes straight around the field. Unofficial count was 649 people. So cool to think that my kids just made a bit of history. Silly/fun history but history. :) And memories that they will surely never forget.

Tonight was a good night. I was complimented several times by the people around me about how well behaved my kids are. How nice it was to see siblings that all got along and loved each other. Oh what a great mommy moment. :) My heart swelled with even more love for my kids and my God for trusting them to me.

It's been a long journey over the past 7 years and even though I spent a good bit of time crying the last 2 days. I love life. I love my life. I love that even though it has had some really crappy times I am stronger. God has made a huge change in me and I love it. :) I think about sometimes going back and reading older posts but I don't need to. I can feel the changes I've made without having to go back. :) YAY ME!!


I noticed I have a few new readers/comment leavers. I am so excited about this. I did not start this blog for anyone but me. It was my outlet and still is. I hope that some of my trials and joys can help you along whatever path you are on. :) I apologize up front if I don't respond back to your comments or if I don't leave one on your blog. Do know that I read comments and blogs.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown


We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Follow Up ... The Coach

As I said Tuesday I would be back to finish what I started. So here I am and hopefully I can write it out clearly. Ignore typos I am to lazy to fix anything tonight.

Let's go back to Monday. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and the caller ID showed that The Coach was calling me. We haven't talked for I think it is about 6 weeks or so now. I am honestly to lazy to go back and look it up. Anyways ... I wasn't sure if I should answer the call or how to answer the call. I decided to answer the phone and act like we had never had any problems. So you know fake cheerful.

The first thing he asked was how was I doing. I said well I am pregnant with a little giggle. Then told him that I am uncomfortable and don't sleep much so I am tired. He then asked if we could get together sometime this week for lunch so that we could talk. I honestly was not able to speak for a moment. When I finally said something I told him that I had finals and it was a busy week and that I could only meet Tues. or Wed. He said ok then started asking how I really was and how the baby was doing. He was being very nice.

Long story short he actually agreed to meet Tuesday and we agreed on a time and place. Hung up the phone and wasn't sure if I wanted to vomit from the anxiety I held in during the conversation and the thought of seeing him or if I wanted to cry. I was with Mini-me and told her what we talked about. She had a few things to say about why he called ... not very nice things. Which I totally understand .... he has been a jerk. I told her we needed to think positive and maybe just maybe he had changed. Maybe God had been working on him as he had been working on me.

Tuesday was just a yuck day all together. I don't talk about work much because my blog is not private. Not that I share it with anyone but you never know who will come across it. However work has not been very nice to me for a few months. Tuesday was not a good time. I had 20 minutes after I left work to let go of my issues there and go meet The Coach. I was so nervous about what he might have to say and meeting him that I didn't want any of my work issues to affect the way things went with him.

I get to our meeting place on time only to find that their is no parking and that every high school boy is currently there eating lunch. I text The Coach and let him know I can't find parking and that maybe we should meet somewhere else. I also asked if he was there yet. No response so I found a parking spot in another parking lot all together. I called him ... no answer. I thought maybe he left his phone in his car and that he was inside waiting. So I drove around again, found a parking spot and went in. He wasn't there. I called him again and left a message asking if I had the right day, time and location.

Thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet he texts me and says he is sorry. That he was in a meeting and couldn't answer his phone. Then asks if I still have time to meet. I was still sitting in my car waiting. I texted back and said yes but told him I didn't want to eat where we agreed upon. We decided to go somewhere else and meet there. Another 20 minutes later he finally shows up.

Seriously I honestly believe the only reason I was so patient was because I have God in my heart. We got our food and I couldn't eat. I had been contracting for most of the morning and felt sick but didn't tell anyone. I also was just freakin crazy insane nervous about what he was going to say.

He started off with how sorry he was for not having any contact with me and not going to any Dr. appointments. He said he was sorry if it hurt me but after doing some thinking he felt it was better if we didn't have contact. He felt that the fighting we did and the fact that we couldn't get along was not healthy for me or the baby. It was better if he just wasn't around. He went on about how he wants to work out a parenting plan and that as the mother of his child he will always treat me with respect. He went on about other things that I have heard before but have never seen happen.

I couldn't look him straight in the eyes. We did when we first sat down and it was one of those intense moments. Where you could still feel the love and longing to be with the other person. We both had to look away. Even when he was done talking and I asked if I could say a few things I couldn't look at him.

I told him that he had hurt me by not calling, going to appointments or by checking to see if we were ok. BUT that I got over it and I forgive him, I told him that honestly I felt like God told me I wasn't supposed to contact him. I shared with him that I was back at church and that I was so very happy. That I was doing exactly what I wanted (God wise). I could feel that he was uncomfortable. :( I know at one point in his life he love God and lived a totally different life than he does now. I think he was uncomfortable because he has shared he wants that life back but for whatever reason he just won't go and do it.

It was so very hard to say those things to him. I started to cry. I held it in ... along with all of the other things I wanted to say. Like how much I love him. How much I miss him. How sad I am that things are not different between us.

What I did say was that I needed time to process the things he told me. I asked him what he wanted from this point forward and he said he wants to be at all of the appointments from now on. I asked about the labor/birth and he told me he will be there.

We left shortly after that because of course he had to be somewhere. It killed me when I watched him walk to a car that was not his. A car that I am 99% sure belongs to a new girlfriend.
On a side note ... as I was out at the college last night for my last class. Guess what car I see ... yep that one. His older son was getting out of it. In fact the woman driving it stopped so I could cross the road in front of her and she let his son out there. Ugh I wanted to puke :(

So I have an Dr. appointment tomorrow (Friday). The Coach knows this but does not know what time. He wants to go to it with me. I told him I needed to process everything. I really don't know what to do.

I have spent so much time in prayer over this. I love this man. It hurts me so bad to be around him and know that he is with someone else. So to protect myself from being hurt anymore it is easy for me to say I don't want him around for appointments or for the labor/birth. I honestly don't want to hurt anymore. So I just want to avoid. :(

I know that I can not avoid. I have asked God if I am to continue being still and not say anything to The Coach. I have asked if I am to call and tell him I am just not ready for him to be around. I have asked God if I am supposed to agree to letting The Coach come with me to appointments.
I know that God has a plan in all of this ... I am just having a hard time with it.

In my head I feel like if I be still that is not what God wants me to do. If I tell The Coach that I am not ready for him to be around then I feel like I am not letting God work in me (on my hurts/fears) or letting God work on The Coach. I keep thinking that maybe if The Coach sees my changes he will change also (God's plan). Then I come to the I agree he can come along and be there for it all and I panic. I can feel all the hurt and pain rising up in me and I lose my faith and trust that God will be there to hold me up through it all. UGH I hope someone can understand this ... or that someday I can read this and understand it.

This is so hard to explain ... After all of my praying I am not 100% sure on what I am to do. Today when I came home I sat down at my kitchen table. My Bible was there as was the Bible study book I have been working in. I am doing a study on Esther with the ladies group. Each week we fill in some notes from the video we watch. This week it said .... "Esther faced the fear"
It also said ... "She (Esther) had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" This may not mean a darn thing to any of my readers (If you've made it this far) but to me I am pretty sure it was God telling me "Shannon stop letting the fear/hurt take control. I am going to be here with you. You are to call him and tell him the time of the appointment. I Am (God) and will work the rest out. In you. In The Coach."

Even after that I still haven't called him. :( I am letting the fear control me. BLAH!!!!! It is almost 10 ... If I am going to make the call and tell him the time of the appointment I need to do it soon. :(

By the time anyone reads this post ... that's if anyone gets this far ... I will have either called him already or gone to my avoidance corner. Either way I could still use prayer. If you are the type to pray :) If not kind words are always welcome.

I never imagined this would be my life ... crazy how taking certain paths in life that look so awesome at the start can change so much as you walk it. Sometimes the path gets even better. Sometimes the path is like walking through fire.

This is me rambling to avoid ... Done avoiding. Going to call. Then I am sure cry my eyes and heart out to God.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

19 years ago ...

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.


Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.


Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

Smiling ...

Finished up the outfit I started last night for my sweet little Dani. I am so thrilled with how it turned out. I purchased this fabric over a year ago. I had no reason to buy it. I saw it and fell in love with it. I have admit that I have a fabric addiction and no I am not taking steps to find help. LOL I purchased this fabric in the pink/brown combo and in a blue/brown combo. She will have an outfit made out of both. :)

Top is reversible. The jean pockets are lined with the umbrella fabric. I can't wait until she arrives and can fit into the outfits I am making her. :)

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly

When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...

So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.

I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.

We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.

Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.

Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)

From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.

The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.

I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.

I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.

________________________________

I will post more later ;)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Writers Workshop: Surprise!! Mom lied to you ...

Oh I love the prompts this week for the Writers Workshop over at Mama's Losin It It was hard for me to pick just one. Don't be surprised if you see another post or two from me using the other prompts. This post however is in response to Numero Uno ...

Why did you do it?

I did it because I could
I did out of love
I did it for fun

I told Mini-me a few lies this last month but dang that girl is way to smart. Actually we are like best friends and it is very hard to keep secrets or surprises.

About 3 and a half weeks ago I received an email on my work account from one of the Dance team parents. A few of the parents had approached the coach about teaching the parents a routine to preform at the Dance team banquet. I was beyond excited and totally willing to join in on the fun. I have waited 4 years to make a fool out of myself to make my daughter laugh.

The parents all met at the coaches house a few days later to learn our routine. I lied to Mini-me and told her that the parents were getting together to do some gift things for State. I should have said we were going to dinner or something. When State came and went and there wasn't as many gifts as she thought there would be she realized I was up to something. I guess another parent told their daughter that we had all gone to the coaches house. She started racking her brain to figure out what we were doing. (The coach has a dance studio in her house.)

She had been begging me to skip my first day of class to come to the banquet. I originally told her I would think about it. When I felt like she was catching on I had to lie to her again. I am such a bad mommy. I told her that there was no way I could miss my first day of class. I agreed to make 2 pans of lasagna and she could take those. I tried to act sad but she kept making me laugh.

Darn that Mini-me! She would say things like:
"Mommy Please Come"
"I know you are up to something. See you are laughing"
"You aren't really going to school. You are going to surprise me and show up and you are all dancing for us"

I picked her up from work on Tuesday at 5 and told her we had to hurry as I had to be at class at 6. I gave instructions on how to finish up the lasagna and get it to the banquet with her friend that was giving her a ride. I felt a little bad lying to her again as I walked out the door. She said "Mommy you aren't really going to school are you?"
I said "Look book bag with books in it and I am leaving now"
She was a bit sad.

When she got to the High School I was already there and had parked my car where I knew she would not see it. It took her almost a minute after she walked in before she realized I was sitting at a table waiting for her.

She yelled at me "Mommy you are such a bad bad liar!! (started crying) I knew you would be here for me. I hate you!!"

Really I am a bad bad liar and I am pretty sure she meant that she loved me. ;) I did feel really bad for lying to her but happy that I surprised her. It is near impossible to pull one over on her. I can only think of 2 other times I have really gotten her.

Sitting through an entire banquet knowing that at the end I was going to surprise her more just about killed me. At the end of the evening the parents started getting up from the tables and walking away. I grabbed my camera and handed it to her. As I was walking away I said "Stay in your seat (I had picked a front table) and hit the record button in a minute or two." She let out a loud shriek and then yelled "OH MY GOSH!!" No more lying she knew what was coming.

Those girls laughed so hard at us. The lying we all had to do was so worth it. For the record I hate lying!! It is my biggest pet peeve. So this was actually hard for me. Probably one of the reasons she was suspicious.

So you want to see me make a fool of myself? Oh please don't beg (ha ha ha). Of course I will share my my great dancing abilities with all of you. Ok ok I won't lie ... My dancing is not that great but it will make you laugh. You should be able to guess which one is me.

I present to you the Parents of the Sheldon High School Dance Team .....

I would do it all over again because

I had a blast
I love my Mini-Me that much
Just because I could



Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ~Dave Barry

Single Mom Math

3 kids with a major case of the Flu
+ 1 PMSing teenager
- 1 ex husband who can't help at all
= 1 Single Mom who wants to cry but has instead but on her "Soldier Mom" boots and keeps on trudging along.

Turtle was able to return to school yesterday with a bit of a cough still haunting her. Little Man and Little Bird are not doing so well. I went to work for an hour yesterday morning to explain to them what needed to be done for Exclusions (kids that dont have up to date immunizations are excluded from school) I came home and took care of my boys. At 4 o'clock Little Man hit 103.5 and worried me for 4 hours. He was halucinating that there were things on him and me. Crying and yelling in his sleep. Wouldn't even let me touch him to take his clothes off. Meanwhile Little Bird hit just over 102 and stayed there until the middle of the night when he hit 103. :( Poor Little Bird took some Motrin at 730 and drank some water then puked it right back up.

Sadly this mom had to go to work. The oh so wondferul Ex could not miss a day of College so Mini-me missed a day of High School to take care of her brothers for me. Came home on my lunch were Little Bird had me carry him to the bathroom to pee for the first time in 24 hours. He proceeds to puke again .... the little water he had in him. He refuses to drink or eat anything. Called the Dr. right then and made an appt. Went back to work ... feeling like I was failing at being a mom. Reminded myself while I was at work that I was still being a good mom. I was just multi-tasking.

Left work to rush home and get Little Bird and take him to the Dr. Little Mans fever returned but is managable. He cries cause he does not want to be left with Mini-me who is major PMSing. I hear my heart break just a little more for the day and I leave with Little Bird. Dr tells me that if Little Bird can't get some fluids into him tonight and start peeing that he needs to come back tomorrow for blood work. On the way home Little Bird coughs and then proceeds to puke all over the seats. Just one of the many reasons I love having leather seats in my car. I call Mini-me and ask her to meet me outside with a towel and the Clorox wipes so I can clean up the car.

Taking this moment to get this all out before I run to Wal-Mart to get Pedialyte and another really cheap movie as we have watched all of the ones we own. The Ex did take Turtle last night but only cause she did not have a fever anymore. Is it wrong that I hope she coughs on him and his girlfriend and makes them sick and they have to miss school and work? LOL Just trying to keep a sense of humor in all of this. :)

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

My 4 Valentine Dates ...

I can't think of a better way to spend Valentines than with the 4 that hold my heart. I asked my kids last week if they would be my dates for Valentines. They all eagerly agreed. They even agreed to wearing matching shirts that I designed and made. Can I just say that my kids ROCK!! I would have laughed if my Mom had ever asked me to wear a shirt like hers. LOL Does this mean I have reached "Cool Mom" status?

I really wanted a picture of the 5 of us together but I could not find the courage to ask our very busy waiter or any of the couples sitting around us. The table next to us did get a good laugh as Mini-Me sat on my lap for our picture. I found it even funnier that Little Bird (who is 5) was the photographer.

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. ~Author Unknown

Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown



For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard