Giving Praise

It has been a very very long tough week. Well let's be honest the past 6 weeks have been rough.
Sick kids, sick me, back to sick kids.

Work has been DRAMA central. I belong to a union and there was so much drama they are now involved and there are weekly facilitated meetings to try to work everything out. The meeting on Friday made me so upset that I walked out crying with in the first half hour. I had to go text my mom for prayer. Then I sat at my desk and prayed. I was so upset. I am way better now but not really looking forward to work Monday. I did gain a little respect from some other co-workers. That is always a plus :)

If you read my last post life it's pretty much been the same this week.

The Sped teacher for Little Man is just not doing his job. A month from the IEP meeting and I still don't have an IEP in my hands. Sped teacher admitted on Thursday that he hadn't even started writing it yet. Are you kidding me? Oh and the paperwork I asked to have them fill out for testing ... they got it to me a day later than I asked and only half filled out. Really? I feel like they want my son to fail :( I know not the case but come on people do your job. There our plenty of teachers with out jobs that would take yours in a minute.

The Ex issues are bigger ... the school counselor rocks and came to my work to talk. She knows my time is limited and knew I couldn't afford to miss work. (God is good) The conversation went well and pretty much how I expected it to. Child protective services will be called. I am not even sure I want to go into full details here. I can say that I am anxious about the entire situation. One never knows how the ex will react to things. He either does an about face and pulls his head out of his butt (at least temporarily) or he gets angrier and worse in his behaviors. I am hoping for the first and that is is permanent.

Even with the kind of week I had I am still giving Praise to my Heavenly Father. :) Never an easy thing to do when all you really want to do is tell the world where to shove it and crawl into a bed. God is just growing me up (again). Building character in me. James 1 is a great example of giving praise in times of turmoil.
I will continue to Praise the Lord :) In good times and in bad.

Pluses about this week ...
Princess is feeling better (she was the latest sick kid in this house)
Even though I thought it was going to kill me to stand my Mommy ground I did it. :) I had grounded Turtle and was going to cave in due to exhaustion from my very long week and not wanting to deal with more attitude from her. I didn't cave and she apologized. YAY a mommy victory!
A very nice coworker who knows my financial situation has offered the kids and I a food basket from his church for Thanksgiving. He was afraid to ask if I wanted it cause he didn't want to embarrass me. :( I am so blessed that he did ask and that I let my pride go and excepted it. I have learned that God provides for me in the craziest of ways and I need to except when it happens.
Even though the meeting was tough at work. I prayed. I regained my composure. Went back in and was able to get my points across later in the meeting. A huge achievement for me as it is very hard for me to speak up in general ... let alone an environment that is very hostile.
DUDE I am alive :) Just getting to be alive is a pretty awesome thing. I survived the week.

I was looking at some comments before I posted this and I came across one that had been left under this post. Can I just tell you I don't remember writing that post but I do remember why I was so upset. I am so glad God let me go through that time. He let me go through that time to grow. Just like I am going through things now. Yes they are different now cause He is working on other things in me. What is even way cooler to me ... the comments I have been getting lately have all had the same theme. Single moms struggling and finding my blog. My blog that has given them hope and encouragement. God used me ... me! Little Ol' Me to bless other people. My story and struggles are helping others. God is using my struggles to not only build me up but to build others up. What an amazing God. :) I will take struggles any day of the week if it means that my struggles and my love for the Lord can help another person.

Oh another plus ... I finished all of my Excel homework. Just have my final exam on Dec. 5. I am so very happy that I do not have any more homework in that class. That is some hard stuff to learn. LOL

Off to bed ...

Sick, Learning Disorders, and Ex Issues

I've been wanting to post for a week or so. I have stuff to say ... then I got sick. I have been sick for a week and let me tell you I am so over being sick. I am tired of coughing. I am so not doing well with minimal sleep (from the coughing). Having a 15 month old that is cutting 3 molars is not helping in the sleep area.

Life has been good. Even as I type this life is good. I have to had the BUT .... but it has been crazy. Seriously every time I move a step closer to God I find myself under major attack from the enemy. Life was nice and calm for a little while there. Now it is just crazy insane nonsense. Pardon my jumbled thoughts I think I might be a little rusty and typing out my thoughts. LOL

I  am trying deal with Little Man probably having a learning disability and ADD. Even though I have always known in the back of my mind that he might have ADD it is still like a kick to the gut. I question what I may have done. Why didn't I have him tested sooner. Typical mom feelings when she finds out something is wrong with her child. Real quick background ... Little Man is not and has not been a typical child. I have known since he was about 2 that he was extremely intelligent. Not just intelligent but brilliant. At 3 I read him Go Dog Go before bed one night. The next night he told me what was on each page before I could even read it to him.  School was a struggle. I had teachers calling me and telling me he was immature in Kinder and 1st grade. He couldn't sit still. He was a distraction. At the end of his 3rd grade year I was asked to come in and discuss Little Man's issues with reading and writing. I agreed to testing and we put him on an IEP. Three years later my son can't write at anything better than a 2nd to 3rd grade level. He is in 7th grade.

Is it the school's fault? Is it my fault? Why can't he write? No one explains to you the IEP process. As a parent you are thrown into a world that you don't understand and the school says they will take care of it. Learning accommodations are put on paper but I am learning that they have never been implemented. At least not for my son. If I had been in a better more stable place in the past 5 years I would have researched more for my son. I would have been paying attention to what was and wasn't happening for him at school and with his learning.

Three weeks ago I had his IEP meeting. Same complaints as usual. He can't write. He doesn't turn in his work. He fidgets in class. One teacher even asked if he could be using a computer in her class. My response was well it's in his accommodations but no one has ever offered it to him. GRRR!!! I left the meeting feeling frustrated. I went to work and started sharing with co-workers (I work for a school district). Advice started flying and now I am on a major mission to make changes for my son.

In the last 3 weeks I have learned through test score that my son took in the 4th grade that he is smart. I mean like uber freakin smart. At 9 years old my son tested at a college level for oral expression. In math he tested at an 8th grade level in 4th grade. Even though I have always known in my mom heart how smart he is it was still a huge shock to see it on paper. I sat in complete shock for about 15 minutes. Sadly those same tests showed that his writing ability was in the 1st grade level.

I am pretty sure my son falls into this Twice Exceptional category. After spending a lot of time talking with my son and looking back over the past few years I am pretty sure he has Dysgraphia. I am in the process of filling out paperwork to have him tested at the research center here in town. It's taken 3 weeks to even get the paperwork from them. It will be another 3 before an appointment is scheduled and then I am told it can be a 6 month wait before the actual appointment. :( In the mean time I have asked for an advocate to come with me to the school and help get more accommodations for him and actually have them followed.

Just the issues with Little Man have been draining on me. I feel as though I am a walking zombie with this cold. I keep asking the Lord for strength to get through everything and just when I think I am taking a step forward something else pops up.
Last night it was an email from Turtle. The kids go to their dads Sun-Tues. I pick them up on Wed from school. Normally Turtle has her cell phone but she just happened to get grounded before she left to the Ex's on Sun. So she basically tells me in her email that once again they were not allowed to go home after school. Turtle called him from the school office at 4 to find out what they were supposed to do. He told them to walk down to the supermarket and wait there. So they did and they waited 45 minutes. Since she didn't have her phone and it was getting dark she and Little Man walked to a friends house to call their dad. He got upset with them for leaving the store and yelled at them. She then said it took another 20 minutes before he picked them up.
This is not the first time he has told them they are not allowed to go home after school. In fact it happens almost every week. His reason why ... cause his girlfriend who he lives with is sleeping. She works nights. However her daughter who is also in middle school gets to go home right after school. Are you kidding me??? My children are left at school or to wander the streets for 2 hours after school but hers gets to go home??
So Turtle went to the school counselor today to discuss the problem. I spent 20 minutes talking to the counselor tonight on the phone. The only reason she did not call CPS was because she knows me and wanted to discuss the situation with me first.
So now the counselor is calling the Ex to talk with him. She agrees with me that my kids are not in a safe place when they are with their dad. (Someone remind me to blog about the 4th of July and what happened with the Ex) I am expecting major fall out with the Ex. He is either going to take his anger out on me, the kids, or all of us. :( The counselor and I agreed that if that is the case then a call to CPS will be made. :(

I would love to have my kids full time if it meant they were safe and my Ex would stop being a abusive jerk to me and them. However I don't think I have what it takes right now for a custody battle. :( I know that God has a plan in all of this. I know HE will take care of my kids and me. But gosh darn it I am human and I lack faith at times.

I believe I have rambled on enough for the night. LOL I need to take my coughing sick self to bed. I need strength emotionally, physically and mentally for the battle I will need to fight in the upcoming days and months.

Man I miss blogging. I need to start taking a day of rest and spend it doing things I love. Like sewing and writing on here. I know sewing isn't really resting but it is my happy thing that relaxes me. :)

The Return To Work and Life

Oh man I feel like I horrible blogger. I spent the last few weeks of my summer enjoying my babies ... all 5 of them. The Ex has been a bit of a thorn in my side about things. I can't even write about it now because I will get all upset again. Blah


Tuesday was my 1st day back at work. Talk about killer emotionally. I have never had to leave one of my babies at this young of an age. Mini-me I left when she was just over 3 months. The other 3 I never had to leave. Poor Baby B was just 7 weeks yesterday. I have never had to pump my breast milk before and that was not an easy thing to get going. Mini-me is a rockin older daughter and takes care of Baby B every day while I am at work. The first two days were rough on both of the girls. I came home to some crying. :( The last two days have been better. I even have the pumping thing down at work. And let me just tell you pulling your boobs out at work and attaching a suction machine to it is pretty darn awkward. LOL

I am still looking for a new job as I am not fully happy with the position I am in. If I could transfer back to where I was 2 years ago I would be so very happy. As much as I want to go back I know that God has me where I am for a reason. Not sure what that reason is but I know he has some sort of plan.

The Coach has made contact with me once I believe since my last post. See I am a bad blogger I can't remember anything I posted last time. He still hasn't seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. Honestly I like it this way. I don't need or want his abusive behaviors in our lives. I have filed the paper work with the DA's office to get child support going ... however I don't think I will ever see any money from him.

Hmm what else has been going on ... I am still poorer than poor. Phones were turned off for a day as I couldn't afford the bill. Scrounged every last penny we had to get them turned back on and still have money for rent. I am praying about how I will pay the Oct. rent. I only get paid once a month, on the 15th. I won't get my first paycheck until Oct 15. This will be an interesting few months playing catch up on bills and such.

I have been thinking about filing bankruptcy. Spoke with an attorney but she wants $1500 to do it all. If I had that kind of money I would pay some of my bills. LOL I can try to file with out an attorney but I am nervous about screwing it up. :( Something needs to be done soon though.

I swear someday I will get around to posting Baby B's birth story. :) Trying to adjust to going back to work. Just when I get this routine down I will start classes again at the college. Ha ha ha ... yes I am that crazy. I am taking classes online this term so I don't have to be away from home.

Hi to my new readers :) I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.

I am off to cuddle my sweet little one some more. She is curled into a ball on my chest right now.

You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list.  The longer your list, the smaller your God.  ~Author Unknown

Sometimes ...

One handed typing and need to vent ...


Even with my faith in God I struggle daily.
Money is so seriously non existant around here I want to cry.
I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent for Sept.
Mini-me is not working and neither am I.
Even when I go back to work my first paycheck won't come in until Oct.
That means Oct rent is impossible to pay and then there are the bills that are stacking up. :(

As if money wasn't stressing me out enough I have an Ex husband who is a jerk and a half and that is putting it nicely.
I seriously should not be allowed to pick the next man I date (if I ever date again). I have a horrible man picker. :(
So my move has put the kids out of the boundries for the schools they have gone to for years.
The Ex has decided with his girlfriend that Little Bird should go to a different school by him.
I (and the kids) want to put in for a transfer and stay at the schools they have gone to.
The Ex came to my house Sat to drop off boys and started yelling at me ... when asked to leave he got louder. At that moment I was wishing my police officer neighbor was home ... sigh
Today when he came to get the kids he said some things that were just not appropriate to say to the kids ... that had to do with the fight he and I had Sat. :(
Now I get a lengthy email telling me how he called the School District and how he is insisting the kids use his home addy for school. He still insists Little Bird goes to the school he wants him to.

I am so tired of men telling me how I am going to raise MY children. It would be different if they were "real" fathers who actually contributed to the lives of their children. The Ex only does things for the kids at his convenience ... or in typical divorced parent fashion to make me look bad. Cause you know its a competition on who does or gives the kids the most. :(

He called me white trash on Sat. and told me that I was a failure as a parent because I didn't throw Little Bird a birthday party or plan one for him. :( I know this shouldn't hurt me as I know I am not a failure as a parent nor am I white trash but it does. :( I already struggle with the fact that I can't provide things like birthday parties for my kids ... I work, go to school and raise kids while he goes to school and lives off his girlfriend and unemployment. GRRR

I am just struggling :( I love God and I know without a doubt he will provide for me and my babies. I know that I should not worry about the money, The Ex being a jerk or anything else but dang it I do. Sometimes I just want to holler and cry at God. I want to ask why? and please show me what you have planned but I know that is pointless. He is using all of these things to build me up ... to refine me. *sigh*

I need Prayer ... I would ask for money lol but not sure anyone is willing to just send that to me or pay my bills. Hey I still have a sense of humor :) I need to find time to sew and get my stuff on Etsy .... then I need to have faith that it will sell.

Ok going to bed as my sweet Baby B will be up soon to nurse.

I go back to work in 2 weeks ... I have no one to watch the baby and oh then there is the matter of money to pay someone to watch her. SIGH :( Learning to pump my milk the last 2 days has been a challenge.

More later ...

Oh Baby ...

I am officially 38 weeks and just shy of 4 days pregnant . A record in the land of pregnancies for me.

My Dr. has been on vacation since July 2nd and was very surprised to see me this morning. She said when she got home on Sunday night she went through the files to see if I had given birth and figured that somehow I had given birth the day before or was giving birth then and she hadn't been updated yet. We are just floored that I am still pregnant.

I have been dilated at 1cm and 50% effaced for over 3 weeks. Thought for sure with all of the contractions I would deliver weeks ago. However this sweet baby has decided she is hanging out now and likes it in there.

My Dr. went ahead and stripped my membranes today. Hoping to jump start labor as I have been cramping and contracting since Thursday. I wish I could report that I was in labor now but sadly I am not. I am having some more intense contractions but nothing regular. Well they might be regular but I am not timing them. If they continue for a but longer I will time them.

I spent most of my day walking. I walked the mall. Walmart. My neighborhood. I took my car to the car wash and vacuumed it out.

If this sweet baby decides to stay in I will be induced Monday morning at 8am. I am not super thrilled to go this route. The thought of pitocin to start contractions freaks me out. :( It means they won't let me up to move around much ... which I will not be happy with.

My Dr. is on call Thursday. She told me if I have ANY contractions that seem some what regular to come in and she will check me again. I think that if I have not had her by Thursday afternoon or show no signs of having her I am going to call the Dr. anyways and discuss the induction.

If I am dilated Monday morning to say a 3-4 then I will just ask her to strip the membranes again. If I am a 2-3 I am going to ask if we can start with Cervidal on the cervix to see if that will start things. I just hate the thought of jumping right into the Pit. :(

If I am lucky this baby will do what Little Man did. I went in on a Fri. was told to come in that Monday for the Cervidal. To everyones surprise I was at 4cm and in labor. :-o

That is my jumbled rambling for the day. Oh wait ... we still have not found a place to live. We have to be out of the house next Wed. Yes that would be 2 days after my induction. Oh Baby!! My faith is still there but I will be honest I am worried. Praying my heart out for a house.

Ahh one last thing ... No I am not telling The Coach about any of this. He will be called after the baby arrives. I don't want him at the birth or evening knowing I am in labor. Do I feel bad about this? For the most part no. I have a little tiny sliver ... I mean like one of those slivers you get but you can't see ... of guilt that he won't be there but that is just because I still love him and wanted the birth a certain way. He has chosen the path he is on ... not me.

There are 5 ladies at Church that know because I needed prayer. My friends Grr and L both know because they are my labor buddies. My mom knows well cause she is my mom and The Ex knows so that he can be prepared to take the kids. I am not telling any other friends or family members. I am trying to keep this as low key as possible.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us. ~Socrates

Labor Fears ...

First off thank you so much for the comments on my last post. :) I am doing alright ... I have moments like on Father's day when I passed The Coach and his girlfriend in her car and my heart hurts and I cry. Then I have other moments where I remind myself why I pulled away from the relationship and I move forward a little more.

Dr. appointment and ultrasound in the morning. I have not told The Coach about either appointment. I did however invite his mom to the ultrasound. :) She is beyond excited. Mini-me is coming also.

On to my real issue of the night. You would think after having 4 kids that I would be alright with the labor/birth thing. I had them all naturally ... yes that means no drugs ... feeling all the pain. Tonight however I am having a major panic moment.

The thought of labor pains is freaking me out. My labors tend to be very fast and intense. If my water breaks we are having a baby with in 20 minutes. No break between contractions. I have gone from 5cm to 10cm in ten minutes. My body does not mess around.

I have never had a birth without my mom or a husband being with me. Right at this moment I still don't have a "solid" person to be with me at the birth. What freaks me out even more is that I am not sure whomever I have with me will know me well enough to help me when I start to panic. I always have a small panic moment during birth ... My Mom and The Ex both knew this and I would tell them months ahead of birth how to handle me. They always did perfect. I don't have anyone to tell that to this time. :( Ok as I write this I know that I have God and this brings me comfort but I am sure He and you all will understand that sometimes just having a physical human next to you touching and comforting you is what we need.

As much as I am ready to have this baby I am all about her just you know coming out of me pain free like she has the 3 times in my dreams. LOL Kind of just falling into my arms ... *sigh* that would rock.

Seriously I long for a labor like Little Birds. Woke up in the morning with mild contractions. Walked around the house and took a shower. While in shower they got stronger. Decided that since my births go fast we should head to the hospital. Think we got there around 10am. Did the check in thing and got monitored. Contractions remained mild until around 6 that evening. Seriously I walked up and down the hallways playing an electronic Uno game. The only reason they kept me at the hospital was cause I was dilating and the monitor showed huge contractions (I just didn't feel them). Was checked and had made it to 7cm. They broke my water ... I panicked asked for drugs LOL Ex told me I would say that and reminded me that I had about 15 minutes and I would be holding Little Bird. Sure enough ... urge to push was upon me and I let my body do it's thing.

Can I just have that again?

Please don't suggest an epidural or any other drugs. Just not me. The thought of something in my back and not being able to feel my legs or move about freely freaks me out more than the pain of labor. I have some control issues in case you didn't know lol. I feel more in control with out the drugs than I would on them.

Whoo ... alrighty got that all out. Need to go meditate or sew or something to help me relax.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1833

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

Hurt again ...

I don't have time or energy to post everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I don't want to cry anymore today ... although I am sure I will be shedding so many more tears over the next few months.

The Coach has a new girlfriend. As far as I know they have been together for around a month or so. Didn't seem to stop him from telling me he loved me or have sex with me 3 weeks ago.

I am crushed. My heart is broken. Confused. Betrayed. So many other feelings.

I am having this mans child. He wanted this child. He told me he would not leave me. Yet look he has moved on. Just like my ex husband did while I was pregnant with our son. Just like Mini-me's dad did ... while I was pregnant.

I want to give up so bad on life. Seeing him with her last night killed everything in me.

So now that I have had this happen to me 3 times. I am done with love. Done with trusting.

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...

I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.

Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.

I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(

Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.

I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.

I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(

I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.

Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.

I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(

Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Can someone please help me find my faith?

Prayer and my faith in God ...

My faith in God is dwindling today. I have been crying since yesterday afternoon or there about. I should be celebrating the scholarship that I was awarded and my decision to move forward with my business plans but my depression has come in and sucked me in so bad that I can't do anything.

I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.

I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(

I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.

I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.

I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.

Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.

Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying. ~Terri Guillemets

To go or not to go ...

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg

Beautiful Days that turn to Shit ...

I should have known that my day at work was way to good to be true. I should have known that it meant that something would come along and Fuck up my day.

The mailman sucks for bringing shitty mail to my house. My ex sucks for not paying me the full amount of child support each month. Hell he fucking sucks cause he doesn't work, lives rent free with his girlfriend and goes to school full time. I would also like to add that my Mortgage company sucks. They are so not helpful with anything. The Congressman I wrote a letter to a few months ago also sucks. Really even just an acknowledgement that you received my letter would be nice. I am pretty sure I voted for your ass. Sucky people that in some way made my beautiful day turn into shit.

I am sure I will want to retract this post later and I may or may not do it. I am so Fucking pissed right now. I have been crying for an hour. The really hard crying where you cant breath and when someone tries to say something to you the tears fall even harder. This is my blog and I dont fucking care what anyone thinks of me right at this moment. I just need to vent and this is my only place to do it.

I got the notice today that my house is officially in Foreclosure. Writing that sentence makes the flood gates open up again. I have until August to figure out what the hell to do.

Really?? I work full time, raise 4 kids (pretty much alone), and go to school. I am not a druggie or an alcoholic. Fuck I gave up smoking cigarettes to live healthier. I am a good citizen. I had a great job. The ex had a great job. It all went to shit and now I am losing my home. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I have been dealing with the mortgage company for months and can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I have called the Hope Now hotline and got the run around there also. I wrote a letter to my Congressman that went unanswered. *sigh* This new wonderful Making Home Affordable Stimulus Plan that our President has designed is looking like it won't even help me.


I just want to type like every bad word I can think of right now to get out my frustration. I want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day and into the night. I want my Dad to come and fix everything like he used to. I want my Mom to fly here and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead I will wash my face and walk out the door and go to class for the night. I will pretend nothing is wrong tomorrow at work and just tell everyone my puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep are allergies.


Fucking grr .... So I guess the dream I had Friday night where I met the President at the White House and he told me that my house would be mine and everything would work out really was just a dream. *sigh*

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

I'm here ... Really I am

I can't seem to catch a break the past few weeks. So after my post last Friday I was hoping my evening would be better. Heck I was hoping for a nice weekend. I did not get a nice Friday night and my weekend was confusing, painful and frustrating.

Trying to keep this all short as I have to get to sleep (which I don't seem to be getting enough of). Friday night I was going to meet Select Friend for a beer. I had 1 hour to talk with him and hang out before Mini-me needed my car to go do something. The kids were pushing each others buttons as I left the house but that is nothing new when I want to leave to do something by myself.

I was not even to the end of the street when Mini-me calls my cell crying and tells me that I have to come back right now. I ask why and she informs me that Little Mans head is bleeding all over. I wish I could say that I was very patient and calm but I was actually pissed off. I did my share of yelling at them.

When I walked in I found Mini-me and Little Man on the kitchen floor both crying. She was holding a wet wash cloth to his forehead. There was blood all over the floor, his hand and his shirt. Turtle was standing there looking helpless. I made the girls clean up the mess in the kitchen while I took Little Man into the bathroom to clean him up and see if a trip to Urgent Care was going to be needed. Of course it was going to be needed as that is my life. The Dr. did not stitch him up or even use liquid stitches (which I really wish he would of). No he used some tape and pinched it together and said that should do it. GRR Little Man has a good scar now right at the edge of his right eye brow.

So I guess what happened was Little Man wanted to call me right after I pulled out of the driveway. Mini-me was pissed at him so she "tossed" him the cell phone that was on the counter and it hit him in the face. Let's just say this mom does not believe that the phone was tossed and I let all of my kids know just how angry I was with them. Really I just wanted 1 hour of time with a friend to talk. It could of been worse ... so I will be thankful it wasn't. (I just reread the last few lines and I feel like a selfish mom in a way. Makes me sad.)

Saturday I ran away from home and went up to see The Jeans. (The kids were going to their dads for the night and for Easter.) I debated the entire week if I should go and see him. I am very confused and frustrated with the way things are going between us. This really is a story all in itself for another time. We spent a few short hours together before he left for work for the night. It was very weird to be in his place all by myself. My intention was to do my homework. I put it off until midnight as I was struggling with a paper I had to write. I cleaned his kitchen and made his bed instead. I am really good at procrastinating.

He came home from work the next morning and we talked for a bit and had a bit of fun. ;) Which left me feeling overwhelmed with emotions I was not ready for and could not handle. I left his house upset and crying. Driving home for 2 hours gave me a lot to think about. I am still not sure where we stand. However I do know that he cares enough to offer me money to pay my Emergency room visit co-pay.

Oh yes lucky me was home long enough to make the Easter ham and pull it out of the oven before I turned to Mini-me and told her that I needed to go to the Emergency room. I get UTI's and Kidney infections very easily. This one came on so fast and painful I literally thought I was dying. Only 45 minutes spent in the ER. Lots of good drugs to keep me out of work for 2 days.

Ahh I can't forget the mystery rash that appeared on Turtle on Sat. About an hour after I ran away Mini-me calls me and tells me that Turtle has a rash on her chest and her foot. I ask the usual questions what does it look like? What did she eat last? What soap did she use in the shower? (she had just taken one). Everything seemed normal and she was breathing fine. I told Mini-me to let the Ex know when he came to get them. Nothing I could do when I was already an hour away.

When I was leaving for the ER the Ex was dropping off the kids. I was floored when I saw that Turtle had a rash that covered her entire body including her face. She said it was not bothering here but I knew it meant she would be staying home on Monday (good thing I had a kidney infection and had to stay home). Took her to the Dr. on Monday to find out that she had a reaction to the Amoxicillian she was taking for the strep throat she had 10 days before. *sigh* Nine days into the medication before she had a reaction. She will not be taking that medication again.

So my work week was short as I missed Monday and Tuesday. It was crazy busy though and the kids at work were out of control. College sucks when you are sick. I managed to make it to my classes but don't remember much.

This being a single mom, working full time, and going to college thing is very time consuming. On top of all of that I am still working very hard on getting my house organized before my mom gets here. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and it will get easier. I just need to find a routine and I will be fine.

I am going to shut up now ... I really need to find a way to sleep. My mind is constantly going and I can't ever seem to shut it down. I hope to get more blogging time in this week. Really I have to blog ... to get the A grade in one of my classes I need to "journal" at least 2 times a week.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Midnight Ramblings ...

I should be sleeping. It is hours past my bed time. I will be skipping church tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me just doesn't care. Was in a funk earlier this week now I feel wired. Sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar to some extent. So many things to get out not sure where to start ... hang in there for a long rambling midnight post.

Last weekend with The Jeans was very nice. He spent the night at my house Thursday after we went down and saw some friends. It is a very rare thing for him to stay here. He is one of the very few people that the door is even open to. I am very protective of my kids and who enters their lives. Anyways ... we stayed in bed most of the day as we had to pull an all nighter Friday night.

The ride a long was pretty uneventful. Totally ok by me though. I enjoyed my time just talking and looking at the million dollar homes. Nothing like being in a patrol car at 2 in the morning and stopping in front of million dollar homes that are for sale and jumping out of the car to grab the fliers to see what the house costs and the pictures of it. Oh yes that is what we did. Hee hee

We did pull one person over. The Jeans left it up to me if I wanted the person towed. Driving while suspended and no insurance. I figured the $700 in tickets he got for that was plenty for the guy to pay. We were nice and let the guys girlfriend come get him and his car.

Got back to his place around 9 am and I crashed hard in his bed. He stayed up cause well he is insane. He came in and slept with me for an hour before we both had to leave. Got home around 5 and realized that I had not eaten for 24 hours. Texted Select Friend and met him down at our favorite hang out. Enjoyed a big fat bacon cheeseburger and a few beers. Since I didn't have kids I stayed out past my bed time. Had a great time.

Sunday started of just grand with another fight with the Ex. He really is just a jackass. I can't even go into all of the details with out getting upset all over again. I can say that it pisses me off that I still let him have control over my emotions.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night (hey he works graveyards lol). Interesting conversation ... I mentioned that I wanted to go on a trip by myself for my birthday this year. Really a trip to Disneyland on my birthday BUT without my kids. This would be a major first for me. I have not been to Disneyland without my kids since I was a teenager. I have always wanted to go alone or with one person not the 25 that we normally go with. I know my kids will be upset that I am not taking them but I want and need to do this. Crazy ass shit happened next when The Jeans said "I will go with you. It would be fun to take a trip together." Holy Crap Batman!! I about fell out of my bed. He wants to go on a trip with me to Disneyland. My birthday is still 6 months away so I will have to see how this plays out.

Monday I posted this.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night and we ended up talking for most of the night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep. My lack of sleep didn't help my day on Tuesday. I was exhausted all day but that didn't stop me from meeting with The Jeans and going out for a friends birthday and St. Patricks day. Weird that this was our 3rd year celebrating this together. The 1st year and this year we went together. He paid for everything for me. And as usual everyone asked what was going on between us. *sigh* I had no answer to give. On the way to meet everyone he asked me "So how many people do you think will ask if we are dating?" I said "I had no idea. The thought never really crossed my mind that anyone would think that." I really didn't even think that anyone would ask. They always have in the past if we show up somewhere together but it's been almost a year since we have gone out together.

I remembered a few things late into the night 1) why I don't drink in the middle of the week 2) why The Jeans and I should not drink around each other with all of our friends around. For whatever reason St. Patricks day for us always ends up with one of us crying. This year was my turn. Way to much to post here tonight.

Wed. I was in a major funk from the lack of sleep I had gotten 2 nights in a row. Dehydrated from drinking and upset about how the night ended. Called The Jeans when I got off work and talked for a minute but he was at a friends visiting. Then going to another friends for the evening. I extended an invite for him to come over later that night.

Had an appt that evening at the College to finish registering for my classes. I am officially going back to school. I will be taking 2 classes in the Women in Transistions program. I am excited about these classes. I have heard great things about how they help women that are in transistion find the path they should be on. Oh and crazy me has decided to take a Hip Hop dance class for Pe Credit. I am taking it cause I like to dance and it will be a great workout. I will be in school 4 nights a week on top of working, raising 4 kids, and keeping my house clean. I am insane!!

I never heard from The Jeans Wed. night. I thought he was upset with me about Tuesday. Nothing really to be upset about though. Again can't explain that in detail right now but basically my insecurities hit full force Wed & Thursday.

Thursday I was in a major funk about not talking to The Jeans. Mini-me also left Thursday morning to go to Portland until Sunday. I cried when I left for work because I did not want her to go. Which made her cry. Then she texted me and made me cry and then she called and made me cry. I cried a lot on Thursday as did Mini-me.

All day Thursday I felt as though I was forgetting something. The date had a meaning but for the life of me could not remember what the importance of it was. Then while eating dinner with Turtle and Little Man (the ex kept Little Bird) it hit me. It was my Divorce Anniversary. One would think I would smile and be happy that I am no longer married to an abusive butthole however I cried ... for like the 20th time that day. I sat at my dinner table shoveling in my food while my kids sat across from me and I cried. Neither of them seemed to notice as they kept right on talking and eating. I did not cry because I wanted the Ex back or any of that nonsense. I cried because after being divorced for 2 years and apart for 3 on April 1 I feel like I have not gotten very far. I feel like I should have more to show or something. I don't know how to explain this. This isn't about dating or having someone in my life either. It's more about money and feeling secure financially and about where I am headed in life.

Went to bed early that night as I was tuckered out from crying. The Jeans texted me at 4 am. We texted back and forth for 30 minutes and then he called. We talked for another 15. Just our normal chit chat. He was still at a friends house not far from here. It drives me nuts when he asks me things like "Do you sleep better when I am next to you?" My answer is always "YES" and then he always lets out a little sigh after I answer. Is this his way of boosting his ego? Making sure that he is the one I want to sleep next to? His way of telling me he misses me? Or that he wants to be sleeping next me at that moment? He always tells me how great he sleeps when we stay together ... after we get up. When I was on the ride a long last week he turned to me and said "I wish we were still cuddling and sleeping on the couch." (that is what we were doing before we left) I agreed that it would be nice to be doing that. Then he joked around about how he wished the couch was deeper cause I am always falling off of it.

DAMN IT I wish he would just freakin tell me what the hell he wants. I am sure my readers would love a full 2 year story to understand why I am so confused. Someday I will get there.... I suppose. I have to admit that I am very tired of waiting but really as Select friend told me "You guys are starting over and you have to give it time." I just don't have any patience. Blah

Anyways ... as we ended our conversation Thursday night very early Friday morning I asked if he would be calling that night (For what seems to be our regular Friday night talk) and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.

Friday was pretty good minus the chaos at work and Mini-me calling me every 10 minutes sobbing. The work stuff was to be expected as it was the Friday before Spring Break. Everyone was itching to get the heck out of there. You ask anyone that works at a school that kids are always a little more out of control just before vacations or 3 day weekends. I swear more fights happen during those times also.

The Ex took the kids Friday for a bit after they got out of school so he could show them the new house that he and his girlfriend just bought. Oh yes you can't pay your child support but please go get a new home with your girlfriend. GRR I ran a few errands and met him half way to get the kids. Pizza was already in the car so the kids and I could have a movie night. Little Bird and I crashed by 10 and I told Turtle and Little Man they could watch another movie. Not normal for me to let them stay up so late or by themselves but they were so responsible about it. I thanked them this morning (something I am realizing I don't do enough of).

The Jeans called around 2 and could only talk for a minute as it was a busy night. He said that I should have been with him then. We talked about me planning another ride a long. This made me excited for many reasons. I get to spend more time with The Jeans and I get to do something I love. I would actually love to be a police officer. I however have made a promise to my kids that I will not be one. Little Man has the biggest issue with me doing that line of work. He has actually cried and begged me not to do it. He is terrified that something will happen to me. Also as a single mom being a cop is not an easy thing. So I have decided to be a teacher instead.

So that brings us up to today ... Saturday. It was a pretty laid back day. We all slept in ... which is rare for me. Then got showered and dressed and I took them to see Race to Wich Mountain. I would give it 3 stars while the kids seemed to really like it. We had a nice dinner together and then they all hunkered down on the couch and watched a movie together. While I came in here and started working on a new layout and background for my blog. You like it?? I also joined Twitter ... I need to see what all the fuss is about.

Now on to Mini-me ... I have come to realize just how much she and I depend on each other. She has called me crying every day since she left. Not just cause she misses me. Although that has come up at least 40 times. As I mentioned in Mondays post she is unable to dance. Being up at the State competitons has been very hard on her. She pretty much told me she is dying because she can't be out there dancing. It is not helping that her team mates have been very rude to her. They were not including her in anything. It is a tradition to get the girls all gifts for State. Well it crushed Mini-me when she was left out of getting gifts from some of the parents.

I have feel like a broken record. I have told her how great she is. How she needs to not worry about the girls and the drama. Blah blah blah blah ... even when things turned around today and her coach found her a costume so that she could dance in grand finale she still cried to me. I finally had to be "Mean Mom" I called her and said "Look you are going to dance Grand Finale. Who gives a flying freaking shit if the other girls don't think you should get to. Your coach found you a costume so that you could do it. She obviously wants you there. Shut up and be happy that you get this chance." She yelled at me "FINE MOM" and then hung up. A few hours later she texted me a picture of herself in the costume. She had done her own hair and make-up and looked awesome. I thought we were in the clear and done with crying.

I was so wrong. The team won 1st place for State so do you think Mini-me could be happy for her team. NOOOO she calls me crying again about how hurt she is that she couldn't be out there and she didn't win. I was a mom losing her patience. I can only take so much whining. Nothing was satisfying her. :( I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like she had never gotten to dance at State before. They won 1st place last year. This was not good enough for her. She again hung up on me. So I did nothing. Awhile later she texted that she was sorry and she loved me.

That girl has drained me the last few days. I have missed her something fierce but I could have done without the whining and crying. I hate to say this as it sounds mean but Oh my gosh I am so glad that dance team is over. Four years of whining and drama. I miss her dancing as she is amazing when she does but I can't do the drama.

Since I am playing catch up for the last week ... my 16 week challenge was put on the backburner the last week or so. I am still doing my menu planning and that is going well. Since it is Spring Break for me and I have this week off I plan on doing some major cleaning. It will be just Mini-me and I starting Monday and going until Thursday. No excuses!! I tend to get into a funk when it is vacation time and the kids are gone. This upcoming week has some dates in it that always bring me down. My dads birthday is also coming up. I can't get into a funk. No way can I let that happen. No going out either at least not for drinking. Maybe a movie for Mini-me and I but we can always watch one here together. My mom will be here somewhere around June 11 and I need to feel organized and proud of my house. Expect a Challenge update next week.

I feel so much better getting all of that out. Off to bed for me.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. ~John Burroughs

No time

I have no time to write and its killing me. This week is already looking to be very busy.

I do have time for the following ....

1) My time with The Jeans was very nice ... however I am even more confused
2) My ex is a big mean jerk face ... and that is putting it nicely
3) Select Friend I love you and thank you for listening as usual ... the beer was good also
4) Turtle hates me and am a witch mom who is mean ... I am making her do her homework
5) I am PMSing and it is possible I really am a witch mom
6) I am hoping the cramping is just PMS cramping and not a bladder infection starting UGH
7) Make it through this week then it's Spring Break ... Yay!


Off to bed ...

Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown

Deep Breath In ... Let out slowly ...

Count to 10 or whatever number it takes to keep you from ripping your Ex a new one. Oh I am Angry tonight. Angry with a capital A!! I have not been this angry with him in ... well to be honest I can't remember. I have been annoyed and upset but this was one of those moments where I had to walk out to my car and scream at the top of my lungs ... so I did not take it out on my kids.

GRR .... This wonderful fight was over homework. I don't normally have the kids Mon, Tues and Wed nights but this week I asked to switch days so I could have a weekend to myself and go out of town. These 3 nights just happen to be the Big homework nights for Turtle. Thursday nights she usually has one page of work and nightly reading. Tonight she tried to tell me that she only had one math sheet to do. Uh huh sure ya do. After dinner I made her bring me her notebook so I could go through it. Sure enough I found 5 assignments not started or not finished. When I questioned her she told me they hadn't started it yet, he (the teacher) told them to do half of the page, or oh that one is do Thursday. I then asked where her other stuff was. This is when she shows me the late assignment sheet .... I knew she had one my mom radar was going off full force.

4 weeks behind on nightly reading and 13 missing assignments. WTF?? I am of course upset with her for lying but even more upset with my ex. She was behind on assignments last week also. The only reason I knew that was because the teacher left me a voicemail. GRR
So when I call my ex to talk to him about it he of course thinks I am attacking him (which according to him I always do. I have never been good at communicating.) He won't let me finish a sentence and when I try to explain exactly what she is missing and he yells at me to SHUT UP and then proceeds to hang the phone up on me.

It took everything for me not to call his ass back and yell at him. No need to cause he called me 5 minutes later to yell at me some more. Arguement went from homework, to his and his girlfriends desicion to give Little Man melatonin the nights he is there (cause he won't go to bed), to how I don't know how to communicate and always attack him. The entire time his girlfriend was in the background yapping at him. After I calmly tried to explain the homework stuff and why I was so angry he and his girlfriend suggest that Turtle come live with them for a few weeks. WTF?? Are you kidding? To make sure she gets her homework done ... like I was the parent she was with on homework nights. Like I am the reason she is so far behind. Yes yes I know I have a duty to check things when she is here and I do ... I guess not good enough. :(

After we hung up all I wanted was to go smoke (which I quit doing in November) and to drink a beer to calm down. Knowing that neither one of those has never or will ever solve my problems I proceeded to the next best option of explaining to my kids (in the best most calmest way I could) that I needed to take a moment outside by myself. Gave them each instructions on what they needed to do to get ready for bed. I grabbed my keys and my phone walked out to my car, got in it and screamed at the top of my lungs. I may have growled some also. I admit to hitting the steering wheel a few times also. Tried to call my mom who did not answer. Asked for God to help me stay calm then came back in and took my anger out on the basket of laundry that needed to be folded.

I have so many things I want to say. I wish I had hours upon hours to write all of the things that are in me as I know that it would help but tonight that is not an option.

So much for that inner peace I have been feeling :( Right now as much as I believe kids should have a dad in their lives I really don't care and I wish that my kids lived with me full time. Since that is not an option I am left to try my best at leading them down the correct path ... damn I hope its the path I am already on. ;) I am breathing ... and counting ...

Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell


Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. ~Lyman Abbott

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown

Ten things for a Friday morning

1. Whoo Hoo it's Friday!!!
2. My weekend will be busy as usual and there will be not time for "true rest"
3. Hoping The Jeans calls me like he has the last 2 Friday nights even though he is on vacation
4. I'm horny horny horny *sigh* No privacy around here
5. I am feeling accomplished with my cleaning challenge so far
6. My ex is a selfish jerk and I wish the kids lived with me full time so I didn't have to hear the shit he does to them. :(
7. I need to start walking and working out again ... not comfortable with myself anymore
8. Hoping that the kids at work stay the way they have all week ... calm
9. Realized last night that Turtle iis changing her thoughts about her dad (my ex)
10. Hoping that I get some sewing time this weekend

No fancy quote today because I am running late for work now. ;)