Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I will survive ... A visit to my past

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and what I have gone through over the past 5 years ... almost 6. It seems as though I am not strong enough (in my own eyes) to make it another day with the shit being flung at me. Last night I found my blog from 5 yrs ago and read it over and over. As I started reading it I felt like it was not my life I was reading about ... but all of a sudden it was like a little movie turned on in my head and as I was reading the blog I could see it all. Such a weird feeling ...

I am glad that I wrote it and that I could go back and remind myself that I got through it. I also realized that I am a pretty good writer lol .. I have never really liked my style of writing. I did have a little anxiety reading some parts. My heart pounded harder and it brought back some strong emotions but I quickly calmed down when I reminded myself that I had gotten through it.

When I woke this morning I had actually planned on coming home from work and writing about something else. Something I have been wanting to let out for awhile but just won't let myself ... as it feels so final when I put it down in words. As my day went by I realized that I needed and wanted to post my blog from 5 yrs ago. I want it on this blog to remind myself that I will survive. I will get through all of the crap that is happening in my life. I am STRONG!!!!

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Sunday, May 04, 2003


Pregnancy

Did you know that a woman can get pregnant from having sex on the 8th day of her cycle?? So say you or well a woman in case you are a man reading this ... starts their period on Jan 1st on Jan 8th you have sex (<--- use what ever word you like) and 2 days later you (or that woman) ovulates. According to Dr.'s woman do not even ovulate until day 14 of the cycle ... I swear even if you know when you had sex and when you got pregnant an OB will always go by that 14 day rule. I am here to say that the 14 day rule is just not true ... I am proof of that. I am sitting here 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant all from having sex on day 8 of my cycle. Do you realize that a lot of women are still having a flow or spotting on day 8 of their cycle.

I guess God really wanted us to have this kid huh?? I can hear your thoughts now. You are asking yourself ... "Why is this woman telling me any of this?" My reply ... "No idea why really ... I needed an outlet (for reasons you will read very soon) and because this was the best place to start. My brain focused in on this and I went with it."

So now you know I am pregnant ... Let's move on to the next chapter of "I Will Survive" ... Yep kind of corny but as you read you will understand why I chose that as my title.

New Job and Academy

So just so you don't think I got pregnant from some random person or a boyfriend I will tell you I am married. My husband started a new job in November. A job that took a year to get ... although I knew he would get the job it was a long wait. Along with this new job my husband had to go through training for 5 weeks. Away from home, his kids and of course me. He came home on the weekends. We talked nightly on the phone .... I mostly vented about the house we were buying (see below) he listened then told me how it was there. I thought things were good ...

Buying a home

So we have been renting a home since April of 1999. A home that we always said we would love to buy but knew the landlord would never sell. Hmm or so we thought ... In September of last year (2002) our landlord (who lives 2 houses down) stopped my husband on his way home from work one morning and offered us the house. :-O I actually cried when my husband told me.
We knew that with our credit history it would be a bumpy ride but nothing like what we got. No real need for details but we did get the house. Right in the middle of what is to follow below.

Can I trust you? (Cheating Husband)

So back up to that academy thing ... Have you ever just gotten that gut feeling (or God feeling) that something just isn't right?? I do not have ESP or any special powers LOL I have what I call a gut feeling or I guess I could call it a God feeling since I truely believe my gut feeling is God talking to me. When my husband was going to the academy I would drop him off at a co workers house and they would drive up together. Well on that last Sunday I just did not feel right. The feeling nagged at me all day. At one point I felt rejected by my husband in the bedroom department. Not like him at all.

Sunday night I tried calling the phone in the dorms they stayed in .... 4 times I called 4 times it would ring and ring then someone would hang up. Eventually taking it off the hook. Ok my gut is now screaming at me ... I hated what it was saying. I did not want to believe what it was saying. I wanted to think I was being overly paranoid (being pregnant makes your brain wacky LOL). I knew in my gut as well as in my heart I was not being paranoid.

Never did talk to my husband that night. He called me the next afternoon which was odd because we only spoke at night up to that point. My gut was screaming so loud at me it was hurting me to shut up. I broke down in tears telling my husband what had happened that night before with my calling. I told him I was very uncomfortable and felt as though he was well to put it nicely cheating on me. He told me not to worry and of course I trusted him. Why wouldn't I.

From Monday to Thursday phone calls were tense. He was to graduate on Friday morning and I was supposed to go but he told me not to worry about it anymore. There was some scheduling things on my end that made him say this not just because of things to come.

Tension was present for the weekend ... again no need for details it actually makes me upset. Tuesday we were both invited to the neighbors house. Me for a candle party (I did not want to go) and him for some man time with the husbands. I must admit I am not a girly girl. I do like candles but won't buy them for myself. My husband on the other hand loves candles. Pretty much the main reason why I went to the party was for him. Man time at the neighbors means ... let's see how drunk we can get. Of course my husband has no self control when drinking so he was pretty much drunk. We decided to purchase some candles but of course I forgot my purse. I decided to send my husband back here to get it for me. Twenty minutes go by and he is not back ... I call home and tell him to hurry. He says he is on his way. Fifteen more go by and he has still not returned. I am feeling like a moron ... the poor candle lady just wants to leave. I call again and he shows up 5 minutes later. Gut feeling is talking to me at this point ... nothing big just saying "HEY get ready"

We come home and he passes out. I come to my computer do a few things and turn to my daughter and ask her what dad did when he came home. She informs me he was on the phone. My gut starts screaming ... It is so loud it takes my breath away. Do you know what it is like to try to wake up a passed out drunken fool?? I try to wake my husband and ask who he talked to. I got some mumbling and something about his best friend. My gut is yelling at me that this information is not enough. I go to his computer and start some looking around. When I think back I am still not sure exaclty how I found the information but I found a hotmail account for him. I tried our standard password but it did not work. My gut is now crying ... My heart is now busting. I know what is coming.

Remember that I am pregnant ... my husband was working the morning shift that week so got up and left before me. When I got out of bed I tried to tell my gut to shut it and let me get through the day. It would not stop ... I did not drink or eat that day. When my husband came home I greeted him at the door and politely asked him to come to the room (our bedroom) so we could talk.

Details get fuzzy here for me ... When you get as mad as I did you tend to block things out. I remember asking him several times who he spoke with on the phone the night before. Each time he told me his friend. I asked about the e-mail account several times and to be honest I can't remember his response. After 30 minutes of him lying to me he broke and told me he had been talking to someone he had met at the academy.

I am pretty sure I yelled for a bit at this point. Cried some then I remember getting up from the chair I was in and beating the crap out of his face and head. Mind you I am 5 foot even and 125lbs and pregnant. He on the other hand is over 6 foot and 220lbs. Now please don't think any type of spousal or child abuse happens in this house. I know hitting him and him pushing me to the floor to get the wild pregnant me off of him was wrong but when you are put in this situation I would love to see you not hit the person who just broke your heart.

Not sure exactly how or why we left our room but we did and with out fighting in front of our kids. The next thing I remember is walking towards him while he was at his desk and seeing that he was in the hotmail account and getting ready to type. He closed that screen so fast when he realized I was there. When I asked him to show me what he was doing he claimed he forgot the password. You know liars are just so not good at lying LOL. Really lying gets you know where. Ok so I freaked out a little on him... Umm hello you were just in the account and your password just what fell out your butt. He signed on and showed me one thing and I freaked out completely. My hands really are not that violent but that night I could not control them :-( Let's just say it was a pretty bad fight and the kids saw it. :-( NOOOO he never hit me just pushed me away again but when your a kid and see parents fighting like that you get scared.

The next thing I know my dad is at our front door. My oldest called him out of fear. Which I fully understand. Some how we all made it through the night in the same house ... even in the same bed (husband and I). The next day was so dang painful for me. When he came home we ended up in the room again ... Talking and talking. In the middle of all of this fighting we got the call they wanted to appraise the house the next day. UMMM NO ... we made it for Tuesday. This was Thursday. Our talks had to stop because things needed to be gotten right then from the store for the house to be ready. My dad was still here so we left the kids and went out. Now during our talks my husband said he never touched, kissed or slept with this girl and that he was sorry and as far as he knew at that moment he loved me and wanted to be with me.

On our way home I fell into the deepest depression ... yep just like that. I told my husband I did not want to go home that I wanted him to take me to the hospital. I still had not eaten. It was now 2 days of no food or water. I was confused about my marriage and depressed ... and depressed because I knew I had to take care of the child inside of me and I wasn't. We had to come home to bring the kids dinner. I stayed in the car out of complete frustration and fear. He did not want to take me to the hospital. When I finally did come into the house my husband was on the back porch on the phone. Can you guess with WHO???? If you guessed the other woman you are correct. After much fighting and crying on both of our parts I made him take me to the hospital.

I thought for sure he would stay at the hospital with me but no he decided that calling her and leaving me there was more important. Now for a good laugh.... at least I think so. Of course I knew I would have to talk to a counselor and to be honest I did not want to go home that night but never in my wildest dreams did I think they would keep me because of the following reason. Are you ready??? Now if you knew me you would know I have always hated my hair. It's just not what I want LOL ... I have a tendency to do things to my hair when I get frustrated with it or just need a change in my life. Yes ok when I say a change in my life it is usually during stressful times. Anyways.... Don't ever I mean EVER cut your hair when you are depressed then go to the hospital for someone to talk to because if you tell them that you cut your hair out of frustration because they will think you are suicidal and book a bed for you in the crazy unit part of the hospital.

The Crazy Part of the Hospital and Broken Promises

Have you ever been in the "crazy" part of the hospital?? For any reason at all?? Let me tell you it was pretty interesting. Weird and interesting LOL.... I will tell you it is not a place I want to go back to again or spend much time in. So I got lucky and they had a bed for me at the hospital. Really when I say lucky I mean lucky ... had that bed not been there my other quarters would have been the crazy place next to the jail. Not even next to the jail but part of the jail. Anyways ... I was so lucky (being sarcastic now) that I got put in a room with two other women. Not just two other women that might be depressed or down but two other women that well pretty much weren't all there if you know what I mean. I guess I can't really say much more about them though because I am sure it would be breaking some sort of confidentiality law or something.

After my horrible night of sleep (due to my life situation and the wonderful roommates I had who spoke all night) I was woken up at 6:30 am to have my blood pressure taken and told that I would need to join the others to eat breakfast. UMM did anyone tell this nurse I got checked in at 2:30 am and that I was pretty much not eating these days. I did not join them ... instead I cried and slept some more. After crying and sleeping and sleeping and crying I laid in that bed thinking. I made up my mind about a few things. First and foremost I wanted out of the hospital or at least that part of the hospital. I got up and asked for paper and a pen and made my list of demands. Yep pretty much demands LOL. Gave them to the charge nurse when I was done and they started working on it.

I did alot of talking that day to my family and to my Dr. (my OB whom I adore). My main goal was to talk with my husband and come to a decsion about what WE would do. Our talk would take place in the hospital ... that way if I felt like I was going to be out of control again I could feel safe. I ended up calling a church that day also ... Yep I believe in God (gut instinct) I was raised Christian and have been praying and turning to God over the past few years in my life but I knew I was not living the way he wanted me to. I spoke to the person that answered the phone that day and cried my entire story out to him. Asked him for prayers and told him I would call back soon. I have to tell you that I felt so good after that. Like God was holding me in his arms right then and there.

My husband did come in that day ... we spoke for two hours. I felt as though we had worked things out to a some what good spot considering everything that had happened. He made some promises to me that would later be broken. I left that crazy place holding on to those promises and to the hope that God would help us get through all of this.

God, Church and The Day after Easter

So again I am a firm believer in God ... but my husband is/was (not sure on this right now) not. We very rarely spoke about God with each other because it was like a debate and I hate debating. One of the things I made my husband promise me was that he would go to Church with me just one time. ONE time!!! Come talk with a Pastor with me. We went 2 days after I left that hospital.

Easter Sunday was a interesting day .... Off to Church we went. We decided that since we had just signed for the house a few days earlier that Easter would be at our home this year. Let me back track a little ... the Sunday before Easter up until Easter was a little tense between my husband and I. At the time I did not understand but I will say that my gut was speaking but I admit to not listening very well. I mean I listened and I questioned my husband but I trusted him. Not fully trusted but enough to get my gut to stop yapping. Anyways ... about half way through our day here on Easter my gut screamed at me ... My husband and I were in the hallway and I said are you going somewhere tonight. No idea where the question came from it just flew out of my mouth. He looked a bit shocked as I said it and stood stunned for a moment then told me that yes he was leaving. First it was to hang out with his brother. Later when I asked again it was with is friend. My gut was not shutting up ... I knew then he was lying to me again. How do I prove it??? Our families our here I can not cause a scene.

He left at 8pm that night. My step-mom stayed until 11 knowing that I was upset. My husband had told me he would not be home that night. After my step-mom left I was sitting at my computer and it was like some power took over me. I went to that hotmail account and found a way into it. :-O You know men really should not use computers to aid with cheating on their wives when their wives are very computer savvy. ;-) Anyways ... I was a bit shocked to see that just the day before my husband had sent himself an e-mail to that account from his work account.

I did not understand that e-mail at first. It was all numbers ... then it dawned on me. They were phone numbers ... Again after some creative detective work on my part I realized it was a calling card number, the other womans home phone and her work phone number. I already had her cell phone. Once I put it all together I could hardly catch my breath. My husband was not with is brother and not with his friend (I called both) he was with HER!!!! I felt as though I was dying. I was in such shock I could not even cry. I called my dad and explained what I had done and what I had found. I told him that I was going to call her and that is just what I did.

She was a bit shocked to hear my voice on the other side of the line. I think our conversation lasted 3 minutes and it was all lies out of her mouth. The last thing she said to me was "It is easy to blaim others isn't it" Let me tell you it really took every thing I had not to call her back and tell her where to shove it. Don't ever (ANYONE) put the blaim on me for any of this. The only person that can do that is ME and even then I would be wrong as I know that I did nothing wrong for my husband to do this to me and our marriage.

I called my husbands friend again ... Mind you I have issues with this friend. I cried to him told him every thing that had been going on and asked several times if my husband was there. I wanted to hold on to some hope that he was not with her. My night ended with a 40 minute talk to my mom at 2am. I cried myself to sleep.

Woke up at 7:30 am because I could not sleep ... Wondering where my husband was and if he would keep his promise to be home that day. At 9:30 the phone rang and the caller ID showed his friends number. I was not expecting my husband on the other end of the line. He told me he had been with his friend and would be home shortly. I told him that we would be doing some very serious talking.

He was home about an hour later and never I mean never in my life did I think that I would have the following conversation with my husband. As we sat in our room I asked him where he had been. He told me that he did stay at his friends last night but that he had seen her. That he left our house to go talk to her. Then he said I have something to tell you ... then he just sat there. I said did you sleep with her ... he sat there and started to shake his head yes and I said OMGOD she is pregnant isn't she?? He shook his head yes again. Let me tell you never in my life have I felt that type of pain. Here I thought he had not even slept with her and now almost a month after I found out about them and I think things are going to be ok between us I find out he has lied to me again.

I am crying now :-( There are days that the pain is just overwhelming. I did not hit my husband that day LOL. To be honest I don't remember talking much to him. I called my mom, dad, sister in law and the pastor at the church. I cried a lot ... to the point that I could not even breath. I stayed here as did my husband. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with. I am not sure if I can believe that but I stayed.

I have to admit I am not sure why I stayed at first ... It was not clear to me until Wed. night (2 days after I found out). I was reading my bible and God showed me this is where I belong. Nope I have no idea why God wants me to stay I just know that what I read that night told me I am to stay. Every verse I read led to another verse that said the same thing. I read a devotional bible ... if you know what they are like there are little stories added into it then scriptures to read. Well everyone led right to another and they all said the same thing. I was in such shock as I have never had God speak to me through the word before. I am a dreamer and a gut instinct type of gal. The one verse that really clinched it for me was ... Isaiah 43 verses 18 & 19. I actually was so floored by the whole bible thing I had to call my sister in law and ask her if I was just imagining things or if I was really being spoken to. She pretty much agreed with me that this is where I should be.

That Sunday (last week to be exact) we went to church. I will admit that I was in a very foul mood. I was feeling depressed again. Questioning God about why he would keep me here in all of this pain. Well he must have been listening because the service was about letting go and forgetting. Just like the scripture above ... everything the Pastor said was the same as I had read on Wed. Just in case you are asking what scriptures did you go over that day in church it was ... Genesis 41 verses 51 & 52.

I will admit that I left church that day on a complete high ... I felt as though God would help me forget. To be honest I know he has helped me forget some already but this last week I fell again. I love God and I truely believe with out him in my life I would not be here but I am only human and it is hard to trust in God when the world around you is pushing in on you. Funny that the service at church today really talked about the way I was feeling. Just as I felt this week that everything was against me ... I realized it is not. God is not punishing me he is helping me grow and I believe my husband also. I can not fully explain what I mean here but I hope you understand how awesome God really is. I hope that if I am ever having a down day that God will bring me right here to these last few paragraphs and remind me how awesome he is.

I Will Survive

So after typing for close to 3 hours now I am exhausted. I will finish this with what I hope God is planning for me.... I hope that God is bringing me into a closer walk with him, I hope that he is bringing my husband to a walk with him also, and that anyone that reads this will get a glimpse at my God and how awesome he is. I hope that God will help me be patient in my time of need and pain ... I know he is there and he is trying I just need to "Let go and Let God". I hope and dream of so many other things that I can not even go into detail about them here right now but I know that God knows.

I Will Survive ... I will get through this ... and God will be right by my side.

By the way please excuse any mispelled words ... I normally pride myself on my spelling LOL but being pregnant and emotional sure does rot the brain of the great spelling I had ;-)

3 comments:

T said...

Oh my...

That journey is oh so familiar. Eerily familiar even...

Easter Sunday 2005, I found out my husband was cheating on me. He had been cheating while I was pregnant with our second child. I found out by his using our computer to communicate with her and... as you said, I'm much more computer savvy than he is. (My degree is in I.T.)

She wasn't pregnant, thank God! But he did lie to me that he hadn't slept with her yet... when he indeed had already been sleeping with her.

I didn't go to the crazy place at the hospital but I did go crazy. I would lie in bed next to him and do my best not to stab him in the chest or castrate him.

What a story. I can SO relate to this. Whew! I'm so happy to say that it's over and I'm WAY better now! I hope you are better now too!

Anonymous said...

I just wrote a LOOONG comment that was eaten up by internet gremlins. Please just refer to my blog to see how similar our stories are. I will be reading your blog and adding it to my blog roll. :)

www.runningleap.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Crazy. I was in the same situation. I can so relate to everything you said. It was like reliving the past. Horrible. No one should go through that. I had one small child and was pregnant with the second. The other woman was pregnant, she eventually got an abortion (her 4th - need I elaborate on what type of woman she is?!). I ended up having a breakdown, was off work for months. But now I have 2 gorgeous kids, my husband and I are trying to work it out (that is a hell of a feat) - let's see how it goes. I am OK. My kids are gorgeous. They are number 1 for me. We will ALL survive and come out just FINE. Good luck and hugs.