Sunday, March 1, 2009

A quote for Sunday ... Edited Part 1

Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. ~Joseph Addison

At one point when I was married to My Ex I hated Sundays. He was in a line of work that required him to work swing and graveyard shifts. I dreaded Sundays and his ugliness. He was very cranky with all of us. You could often find him on the couch half asleep with a beer in his hand and sports on the TV. If we made to much noise or tried to change the channel once we thought he was asleep he would yell at us. I always felt so stressed on Sundays. I would often cry. At times I had a longing to go to Church but he would never go with me and I was terrified to go alone with the kids.

When I was a stay at home mom and married to him I was so very alone. Everything in my life revolved around the Ex and the kids. I did not have any friends. I was very insecure with myself. Some of those insecurities I brought into our relationship and others that he created in me. I was not good enough in many areas. No matter how I tried I was never good enough. I was lazy. I needed to workout. I needed to clean house better. Keep the kids quiet. The list goes on and on.

In March of 2003 when I found out that the Ex had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant I realized that I needed to make changes. I told him that the only way to save our marriage (as that is what he wanted) was to go to Church with me. He agreed and Sundays became my safe place. I put my life in Gods hands and thought that things were going to work out. I was so involved at Church that I was asked to speak at a Mother's Day event about forgiveness. I felt God was showing me that my marriage was going to last forever. That someday my ex would love God the way I have in my life. I thought I was to be some guiding light to leading his parents to Church with us.

Somewhere between the end of 2005 and February of 2006 we started fighting more. We stopped going to Church. His drinking was out of control. I started drinking with him and I was finally introduced to his coworkers and made friends. I am 99% sure he was having an affair with a coworker during this time. Just before our family vacation in March of 2006 we agreed that we would split up. We told no one. We decided that upon returning from our 2 week long vacation he would move out.

The night before he moved out he went out with a very good friend of ours. He did not come home until the next day. Neither of them would answer my calls or text messages. With in a few weeks he had moved in with the girl he met that night. I of course did not find out about her for 2 months. Almost a year to the day after we split up our divorce was final.

In the middle of my separation/divorce my Dad died in a car accident. I was so pissed at God for taking my world and tossing it around like it was nothing. I felt like all of the promises that He had shown me were lies. I couldn't imagine why God would do this to me. I once again hated Sundays but for different reasons this time.

To be continued ....


T said...

I think God was trying to show you that what you thought was your life was only a temporary place for you. And that your permanent place was with Him. He was the only true remaining certainty in your life throughout this time, wasn't He?

At least that's how I felt during the upheaval in my life.

Great read... looking forward to the rest of the story.

MindyMom said...

Yes, I am also looking forward to the rest of the story.

I find it amazing how many of us blogging single moms have had similar yet different experiences with our marriages and subsequent divorces. And only in telling our stories do we find understanding and common ground.