To move forward I must look back ... just briefly

When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...

So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.

I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.

We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.

Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.

Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)

From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.

The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.

I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.

I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.

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I will post more later ;)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Hawaii Day 1

So we have been in Hawaii now for about a full day and a half. Our flight in was awesome as we got bumped up to first class ... long story but let's just say it had to do with an awesome Alaskan Airlines employee and a cute guy she was trying to sit me next to. Ahh I love when life gives you something great.

We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.

Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.

The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.

Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.

Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...

Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)

I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.

No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...

"Sometimes in life you are blessed with really great friends and life in general. This is one of those time. I am so happy right now"
~Shannon

Saturday Snippets

Not sure I will ever get to sleep in. Even though I am not working anymore I am still up at 530 thanks to the sun in my window. I try to fall back to sleep but usually toss and turn for a few hours and give up. Three days of the week I have been tanning to get a good base for Hawaii. I decided that since I can't sleep past 8 I may as well take advantage of the Happy Hour tan time in the mornings. $1 a tan ... really can't beat that. After I go tanning I have been walking about 2 miles. Trying to get the running thing in there when I can but I thought I had a stress fracture so I took it easy for awhile.

Today I am sad that I am not walking. Mini-me and I decided that we needed haircuts before Hawaii. Have to look cute ya know ;) Mini-me got about 8 inches cut off today. I think she is in a little bit of shock. I kept my length but had layers done again as it was just to straight and flat for me to do anything with. Aren't you all glad you are reading my lameness today. ;)

Now I am just sitting here waiting for Mini-Me to get back from a massage (her friends pitched in and got her a full body massage for her 18th B-day). We are going to watch the K-9 competition when she gets home. We have a friend that does K-9 patrol and they will be competing. Should be fun to watch the dogs in action.

Besides that my weekend is pretty lame. I've blocked out that tomorrow is Fathers Day. In fact I forgot until about ten minutes ago when I realized that is why my Ex wanted the kids.


I will be doing some sewing and trying to get things listed on Etsy. I know I don't have a ton of readers but I am tossing around the idea of having a contest. The winner would get a cute item made by me. :)

Man oh man I missed writing. So glad I have time to do this again. Only to be interrupted again when we leave for Hawaii .... In 10 days we will be on our way.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

Budget Cuts + Me = No Job

I was officially told today that I will no longer have a job after June 5th. I have been sent home for the day so that I can deal with my emotions. My position will be going to a coworker that has been there a few days longer than me. They were going to tell her what was going on after I left for the day. Is it wrong of me to hope that she doesn't want the position and that I will be asked back?

I am so majorly bummed right now. Crying very hard as I try to type this out. I have never loved a job as much as I love this one. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but right now I am trying to figure out why in the heck is everything being taken from me and where in the heck is this all taking me. I am not sure I can do much more of this. I am tired of taking a step forward and feeling like I am being shoved back twenty.

There is a chance that I can be recalled or asked to work in another position at a different school but I am not sure how that all works. All the Principal could do was keep telling me how sorry he was. After I left the Vice Principal called me and apologized. They both offered to give me outstanding recommendations for any other job.

Keeping to my word and positive attitude ... In the middle of him explaining that I will be laid off I tell him "That's ok I am going to Hawaii" He had to laugh as did I.

So I am now looking for a way to either save my house or sell it and find a place to live and I am also looking for a new job. Can't sell my house and move with out a job. Can't stay here cause they are taking it from me. :( Ugh ugh ugh ...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Positive thinking is where I am going

I did not get called back to do a 2nd interview with the University. I admit to being bummed about this but I can not let it take control of my emotions today. I will not over think what I could have done better in the interview.

I will move on knowing that as of right now I have a job that I love.
That I will probably have that job again in September and still love it.
I will and am focusing on finding a job for the summer.

And my new way of totally thinking about things when I am feeling bummed or frustrated ....

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!!!

I will get through all of this ... I always do.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Never enough time ...

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

Lyrics:
The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

To go or not to go ...

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg