I'm back and here to stay

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

Holding back the tears

I am sitting here holding back the tears. I have been awake for nearly an hour now ... laying and thinking about what I should write in my email to my coworkers. If I should write my students a letter letting them know just how much they rocked and how they made a difference in my life.

As I left work yesterday it started to hit that I would be turning in my key today. I won't be hearing "Ms. Shannon I need a ice pack, band aid, to talk, a hug ... " anymore. I won't be telling a kid to sit and be quite in my office while waiting to see the vice principal. I won't know what student is dating another ... yes they come and share this with me for some reason.

I am going to miss my job so very much. :( I honestly did not think that when I started this job just 9 months ago that I would feel this way. It has been an amazing time of growth for me in so many ways and I am not ready to leave yet. I will continue to grow with out this job and I will take all of the lessons I have learned and move forward but I am a bit sad.

I love it when I ramble .... my emotions are taking over.

Today is also my last day of the term for college. I will leave work early today and go out and preform my Hip Hop dance. I am trying to visual myself dancing it on a stage. I am doing all of the moves correct. My kids will out there watching me and at the end I will hear them cheering for me. :) How is that for positive thinking?

If I wasn't feeling emotional enough about the job and the dance thing I had to dream about my dad. I honestly can't even describe the dream but he was there. I always feel sad when I wake from dreams that he has been in. I miss him and wish he was here for me ... especially on days like today. He would be so proud of me.

The tears are flowing ... this is going to be a long day.

My mom also arrives tonight and will be here for the week. This should be interesting ... I will have to write more on this later.

Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown

Almost done

I can't believe that in 12 hours I will be in my last class of the term. I will turn in the last bit of my homework ... that I haven't finished just yet. The only thing left after class tonight is my Hip Hop Performance tomorrow. Yes I am feeling a bit anxious about it but it's possible that my anxiousness could really be excitement.

So what if I mess up a part or two of the dance right? I have made it through 10 weeks of classes and I didn't give up. Although at times I wanted to ... dance is way harder than I expected. Again I have to give Mini-me some major props for doing this kind of thing for 4 years. Learning a dance in ten weeks was hard. She would learn 5 dances in 6 weeks and then compete at competitions.

So much more to write but no time this morning. I should be writing a paper on transition and getting ready for work.

I miss writing daily and reading all of the blogs I follow.

"Moving forward one step at a time"

One Week

Wishing I had more time to write. One more week of work. One more week of school. Then I am jobless and homework free. I can then write daily again. I know that I need a job but not having one and being able to write daily and sew whenever I want makes me so excited.

I already have plans on what I am going to sew. Plans on what I want to write about. Cleaning will happen also as my house is a complete mess from not having enough time to tend to it properly.

Sad that I have to stop typing now so that I can go get my day started. Excited because that means I am one day closer to the things I mentioned above.

This was just a lame update from me. :)

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~C.S. Lewis

What Street are You on?

Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Thank you ...

Thank you for the comments left on my last post. They meant so much to me. I debated about even publishing the post. I debated if I should take it down. It is not like me to let that kind of stuff out to other people ... or in this case to anyone that may come along and read my blog. I have a few close friends that know my struggles and I don't tell them everything.

Writing has helped me to deal with so many things in my life yet I still feel that I can't fully express myself. I worry what others may think if they read it. Will they judge me? Will they call me names and tell me I am wrong? Will they look down on me? Gee You think I might be a little insecure?

Why do I keep censoring myself when I really want to open up? I wrote my post yesterday to release the anger, frustration and fear. I kept thinking to myself as I was writing to just delete it. No one will ever see it. But I couldn't delete it. My fingers kept typing and I started to feel a little better. It felt good to just let it all out. It isn't the prettiest post but it is how I felt at that moment and I am glad I released it.

I found that going to my dance class last night helped also. I was feeling frustrated by the class last week and feeling like I couldn't do that dang dance. I took all of my frustration that I was feeling about the class and what happened yesterday and put it into the dance. Guess what?? I can do the dance!!! It is not perfect and I am sure it is not super pretty but I can do it. I can do it to the music at the fast pace and not just one step at a time.

I was still feeling a bit upset when I got home from class last night. What I really wanted to do was go buy some beer (kids are with dad) and a pack of cigarettes (I quit in November) and be pissed off and cry. Instead I decided to run. I was dressed for it already so I grabbed Mini-me's Ipod and ran.

The crazy part of this is ... I am not a runner. I have always wanted to run but my asthma gets in the way. Last night I ran and then walked and repeated the pattern for almost a half hour. It felt so good. The last few times I have been upset about things I have wanted to run. Run to escape everything. Run to clear out my mind. Run because I felt it would help. Run so that I wouldn't drink or smoke. I could picture myself running the last few times I was upset but never did it because I thought I would fail. I didn't fail!! I didn't fail!! I did it. I ran. It was not perfect or what others may call running but it was to me and I felt great. I will do it again and again and I won't be afraid of failing.

It would have been so easy to get the beer and cigarettes last night. I am so glad I didn't. Not that I am an alcoholic or anything like that. ;) But in the past when dealing with crappy things I have turned to those things thinking they would help me get through it. Instead they always made me feel worse. I love a good beer but I want to enjoy my beer not use it as a numbing agent for my crappy times.

I am not giving up the fight for my house. It is mine and I will fight until they take it from me or until they give up. I do not give up that easily. I mean heck I fought for my marriage for 3 years. I can fight for this house. I have been positive thinking since October and I have made it this far. I will keep on positive thinking.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back here before I head to bed. I am so proud of myself for making better choices in how I handled yesterday. I have been working on myself for almost a year now (well really a lot longer than that but the last year I have been really focusing on it). Changing habits that were unhealthy for me and for others around me. By making the choices that I did yesterday I really feel like I have grown. YAY ME!!

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

I'm here ... Really I am

I can't seem to catch a break the past few weeks. So after my post last Friday I was hoping my evening would be better. Heck I was hoping for a nice weekend. I did not get a nice Friday night and my weekend was confusing, painful and frustrating.

Trying to keep this all short as I have to get to sleep (which I don't seem to be getting enough of). Friday night I was going to meet Select Friend for a beer. I had 1 hour to talk with him and hang out before Mini-me needed my car to go do something. The kids were pushing each others buttons as I left the house but that is nothing new when I want to leave to do something by myself.

I was not even to the end of the street when Mini-me calls my cell crying and tells me that I have to come back right now. I ask why and she informs me that Little Mans head is bleeding all over. I wish I could say that I was very patient and calm but I was actually pissed off. I did my share of yelling at them.

When I walked in I found Mini-me and Little Man on the kitchen floor both crying. She was holding a wet wash cloth to his forehead. There was blood all over the floor, his hand and his shirt. Turtle was standing there looking helpless. I made the girls clean up the mess in the kitchen while I took Little Man into the bathroom to clean him up and see if a trip to Urgent Care was going to be needed. Of course it was going to be needed as that is my life. The Dr. did not stitch him up or even use liquid stitches (which I really wish he would of). No he used some tape and pinched it together and said that should do it. GRR Little Man has a good scar now right at the edge of his right eye brow.

So I guess what happened was Little Man wanted to call me right after I pulled out of the driveway. Mini-me was pissed at him so she "tossed" him the cell phone that was on the counter and it hit him in the face. Let's just say this mom does not believe that the phone was tossed and I let all of my kids know just how angry I was with them. Really I just wanted 1 hour of time with a friend to talk. It could of been worse ... so I will be thankful it wasn't. (I just reread the last few lines and I feel like a selfish mom in a way. Makes me sad.)

Saturday I ran away from home and went up to see The Jeans. (The kids were going to their dads for the night and for Easter.) I debated the entire week if I should go and see him. I am very confused and frustrated with the way things are going between us. This really is a story all in itself for another time. We spent a few short hours together before he left for work for the night. It was very weird to be in his place all by myself. My intention was to do my homework. I put it off until midnight as I was struggling with a paper I had to write. I cleaned his kitchen and made his bed instead. I am really good at procrastinating.

He came home from work the next morning and we talked for a bit and had a bit of fun. ;) Which left me feeling overwhelmed with emotions I was not ready for and could not handle. I left his house upset and crying. Driving home for 2 hours gave me a lot to think about. I am still not sure where we stand. However I do know that he cares enough to offer me money to pay my Emergency room visit co-pay.

Oh yes lucky me was home long enough to make the Easter ham and pull it out of the oven before I turned to Mini-me and told her that I needed to go to the Emergency room. I get UTI's and Kidney infections very easily. This one came on so fast and painful I literally thought I was dying. Only 45 minutes spent in the ER. Lots of good drugs to keep me out of work for 2 days.

Ahh I can't forget the mystery rash that appeared on Turtle on Sat. About an hour after I ran away Mini-me calls me and tells me that Turtle has a rash on her chest and her foot. I ask the usual questions what does it look like? What did she eat last? What soap did she use in the shower? (she had just taken one). Everything seemed normal and she was breathing fine. I told Mini-me to let the Ex know when he came to get them. Nothing I could do when I was already an hour away.

When I was leaving for the ER the Ex was dropping off the kids. I was floored when I saw that Turtle had a rash that covered her entire body including her face. She said it was not bothering here but I knew it meant she would be staying home on Monday (good thing I had a kidney infection and had to stay home). Took her to the Dr. on Monday to find out that she had a reaction to the Amoxicillian she was taking for the strep throat she had 10 days before. *sigh* Nine days into the medication before she had a reaction. She will not be taking that medication again.

So my work week was short as I missed Monday and Tuesday. It was crazy busy though and the kids at work were out of control. College sucks when you are sick. I managed to make it to my classes but don't remember much.

This being a single mom, working full time, and going to college thing is very time consuming. On top of all of that I am still working very hard on getting my house organized before my mom gets here. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and it will get easier. I just need to find a routine and I will be fine.

I am going to shut up now ... I really need to find a way to sleep. My mind is constantly going and I can't ever seem to shut it down. I hope to get more blogging time in this week. Really I have to blog ... to get the A grade in one of my classes I need to "journal" at least 2 times a week.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Stupid Computers ...

For whatever reason my home computer keeps telling me I do not have an internet connection. I see the little wireless connection that says I do but it won't let me connect to Firefox at all. *sigh* Special Friend will be getting a visit from me to fix what ever it is that I think my kids messed up. They were the last ones on it Sunday and I am thinking that they did something they shouldn't have.

So here I sit at my work computer. I just finished my homework for my class tonight. Thought I would take a moment and update anyone that reads my blog.

The Jeans parents are doing much better. They were discharged from the Hospital yesterday. I don't have the full details of what happened. Didn't have time to ask him.

School is going great. Hip Hop is kicking my butt. I am really enjoying the class though.

Off to eat a quick dinner before I head to class.

I miss reading my regular blogs. :( It is going to take me forever to catch up.

Hope to be back sooner rather than later.

Sorry no time to look up a quote so I am stealing this from the wall in front of me ...

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers

College, Bomb Threats and The Jeans

Holy Cheez-its Batman I am not even sure where to begin. I was going to just write about starting college but then Wed came along and so did the notice of a bomb threat to the school I work in and now none of that even seems to matter when The Jeans calls me and tells me the following ....

Jeans: "I can't talk long I only have a minute" (sounding exhausted)

Me: "What's wrong? You sound exhausted. Are you ok?"

Jeans: "I'm at my parents house They both got Carbon Monoxide poisoning and are in the hospital. My mom had a heart attack"

All I could keep saying was Oh my gosh and I am so sorry. :(

Damn it!!! My heart is breaking for him and I can not do anything to help. I don't know how it happened but I guess his sister found them. His parents live an hour from both of us. He lives one way I live the other.

I guess they were in the hospital here near me but they have been sent up to a bigger hospital near where he lives. It sounds like they are both in hyperbaric pressure chambers. They tried treating his mom today and they had to stop as she started getting sick and throwing up. He is at their house and can't go see them now cause it is after visiting hours. :(

If you are the Praying type please say a few for his parents. Weird as I type this I had to laugh and cry at the same time ... when I asked him what I could do he said "Say some prayers" We have had many talks about God and Religion and our beliefes ... I think I just learned more about him by those few words than I have in all our talks.

Sigh ... my chest is heavy with heartache. I want so bad to be there for him. Mini-me gave me permission to go if he called and needed me. I love that girl!

On a lighter note ... if you can say a bomb threat is a lighter note. ;)

I am a little leary about how much info I put on here about what happened the last few days ... umm actually weeks. I don't keep my blog private and I am not overly concerned that someone will find it and it will ruin my life but sometimes when you voice your opinion/thoughts it can come back and bite you in the ass.

Let me start with I love love love my job. I love where I work and I am very happy to say I don't have problems with anyone I work with.

On Wed. of this week at 9 in the morning (we had a late start) all of the staff was called to a mandatory staff meeting. We were informed that a little more than 2 weeks prior (the week before Spring Break) the librarian found a note in her office. It was folded and supposedly crumpled up a bit. She was going to just throw it away but decided to read it. On it was something written very close to this ...

"This school fucking sucks. On April 3 at 12:30 the school is going to be blown up."

I am not sure of all of the details but I am assuming that the Librarian gave the note to the Principal immediatly. I only say this because I remember the Librarian coming by my desk several times two days that week asking who had been in my office and detention. One of the was to her office is through mine. I have kids in and out all day. She would not tell me why she was asking. I didn't think much about it once Spring break started.

So Wed. we are told about the note. The staff was not to happy to just be finding out about this note. The Principal didn't feel it was a threat at all. He said that it was just a note. It could have easily have been thrown away by the Librarian and never read. If it was a real threat it would have been written on a bathroom wall or in a very visible place. He told us that they had looked at all of the kids they thought it might have been. What he kids they thought it could be I have no idea. Hmmm ....

The staff was buzzing all day into the ears of each other. I hear a lot where I am located at work. You could say I am like the Water Cooler where people come to talk and get info. The consensus was that no one was happy with finding out 2 weeks after the note was found. Oh and so not happy that there was no investigation to see if it was a real threat or to find the writer of the note and give them consequenses.

I found it very weird when the Principal stopped by my desk and asked to talk to me in his office late on Wed. afternoon. When I got in there he told me again why he didn't feel it was a threat and why he wasn't worried about it. I asked to see the letter as I had a student that week the letter was written that was having major issues. I wanted to see if it was that students writing. I told him who the student was and that the writing didn't even look close to the same.

Crazy ass shit happened next he called that student into his office and went through her locker. Again I can only say Hmmm. I have to admit I felt very weird about him calling me into his office to talk to me privately about his descion. He didn't talk to anyone else in private that I know of.

Thursday morning our computers were down so I went and sat on the other side of the office and hung out. I was asked by one of the Secretaries when I was asked for the info about who was in and out of my office that day and for the attendance. I told her that I was never asked for that information. It was then that I found out that the Principal was given the letter and did nothing with it. The only reason we were told about it was because one of the secretaries took it to the admin building and told them about it. WTF?? He didn't tell anyone?? Now I was questioning everything.

As if that wasn't enough drama ... Not one but two students on Thursday got very upset and both chose the wrong words to use. Oh yes both students threatened to blow the school up on Friday. This was also when I assume the Principal decided to investigate who may have written the letter. So they had an Officer come over and they went through the "high flyers" lockers to compare hand writing. Really 2 weeks and 2 days later and the day before the bomb threat is supposed to happen they decide to investigate it. Just a total coincedence that the two students said the things they did. However both students were suspended and hand writing samples compared. UGH!!

End of the day a staff meeting was called ... where the Principal yet again told us that he was not concerned about the letter and didn't feel it was a threat. One of the teachers asked why he told us now about the note and why the officer was there if they didn't feel it was a threat. The Principal said "Well because the threat is for tomorrow and I thought you all should know". HELLO?? When asked why he didn't tell us the day it was found or the next day he said that he didn't feel it was a real threat and didn't want to add more grief to our week because we had just had talks about budget cuts. He then said that he didn't think that telling us when they found the letter woud have made any difference.

Now I am not one to cause waves or rock the boat but I had to speak up. I said "Actually I think it would have made a huge difference. We could have been looking for the student that day when we all remembered who was in and out of my office. Now we have no memory and you are asking me who was in there." *sigh* I was asked around 1:00 on Thursday for a list of the kids from detention. Guess what no detention list for that day. Unable to be located. Hmm ...

We all left that meeting feeling frustrated. The only thing they were doing for us today was having a fire drill at the time the note indicated that school would be blown up. Oh and having two cops on campus during that time. Oh you betcha that made me fee so safe and confident.

Obviously I am here writing this out and there was no bomb at the school. I am upset though that things were handled in the way that they were. I talked to my Mom Wed & Thursday and she and I agreed ... A threat is a threat is a threat! Take them all seriously no matter how it is put out there.

The students that blurted it out got suspended and parents called. They were upset and the staff all agree it was a burst of anger that made them say it. A note found anywhere on campus should of been dealt with immediatly. Staff should have been notified right away. One of the staff members made a very good point ... This note was found before spring break, what if the student who wrote it was feeling suicidal. We could have been watching students for signs.

*sigh* Crazy crazy craziness!!! I have to admit that I was a little nervous today. I didn't sleep well last night. The chances of a middle school student making a bomb and finding a way to set it off at school are small but let's be realistic it could happen. These kids are having sex, doing drugs and drinking. They have access to guns. They have access to the internet where you can learn how to make bombs. Why wouldn't you take a threat written on a piece of paper seriously?

One last thing on this ... As a parent myself I would be extremely pissed off if I found out that there was a threat like this made to the school my child attended and I was not notified of it. I voiced that in the meeting yesterday also. Of course nothing was done to notify parents.


Ok .... I need to wrap this up

I had my first full week of College. I am way excited and scared. Did I mention I am taking a hip hop class? I am pretty sure I am the oldest student in the class. I feel like a complete idiot trying to do the freakin moves but I will not give up. I have committed myself to this class because I wanted to learn to dance and because it is a good workout. So I will look like a freak on crack trying to dance but I will do it with a smile on my face. :)

My other classes are in the Women In Transitions program. I am really excited about these classes. Don't be surprised if you see some of my work making its way to my blog. One of the classes is about Life Transistions and the other Career and Life Planning.

The Life Transistions book has some awesome questions in it. We don't have to do them as assignments but I think they will be so helpful for me to answer them. I want to keep track of my growth all in one place and this is that place.

I have also decided this week that I am insane for working full time, going to school 4 nights a week and trying to raise 4 kids and keep my house clean. The thought of all those things at once is what is making me scared. I keep telling myself "You can do this. You will not fail". I like the you can do this part ... but maybe I should change it from you will not fail to you will succeed.


Did you really just read all of that? If so you deserve a cookie or something. Go ahead go to your kitchen and get one. ;) I am so not done writing you may need it ...

As I was going through quotes to fit this mixed up post I had to smile when I saw the one below. I breifly told The Jeans about the bomb threat stuff when we talked. I laughed and said "I made it through the day and I'm not dead yet I plan on sticking around for a long time" He responded with this quote ....

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Ice Cream in bed ;-)

I am sitting in my bed eating ice cream and doing some major thinking. It's 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon and my kids are playing in the backyard ... No I am not sharing the ice cream. LOL It's mine and I am a ice cream hog. ;)

I have so many things that I want to write about and I am not sure where to start. I've been debating if I should just write and let it flow or break it up into separate posts each with there own title. I like the flow I have when I am just writing but I also like when I am organized about it and I can go back and find it easily if I want to read it. Hmm Maybe I am doing way to much thinking today. LOL

I think (see there I go again with that thinking stuff) I will make this a general post and then write separate ones for my dating issues (Mr. Bend, The Jeans, and other random guys) and My Ex issues.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So with all of my lame thinking out that led to rambling I will move on. I had Thursday and Friday off this week due to grading days. You would think that I would try to relax a little on a 4 day weekend but no I ran myself ragged. :( I am fighting the urge to take a nap right now.
Thursday morning I had to get up to take Mini-me to school. After I took her I headed over to the Social Security Office to change her name on her SS card.

Let's rewind for a minute so you know why her name had to be changed. So I had Mini-me when I was 16 (Can you guess my age now? lol). I met The Ex in 1995 when I moved here to Oregon from Ca. He was part of Mini-me's life from the time she was 4. She did not have any type of relationship with her Bio Dad (I will write about him sometime). When Mini-me was around 9 The Ex adopted her. Hence changing her last name. However being the slacker mom that I am lol I never went down and had her SS card changed to her new legal name. When I did taxes I just used her old name. She got her Drivers Liscense with out any issues.

I got the papers to do it last year but life got in the way and I forgot about it. That was until Wed. morning when I was going to apply for her FAFSA pin number before I left for work. It hit me that she wouldn't be able to register at the College or for Financial Aid if her names did not match up. Since Financial Aid is a time sensitive thing I needed to move fast.

I dread going to the SS office. I had been in the past and it always took forever. Oh I was excited when I got in there and I was number 9 and they were on 5. My excitement soon faded when I got to the counter and the guy told me that having her DL, her ammended birth certificate and her old SS card was not enough. Are you kidding me?? What else could they need? He informs me that I need the Adoption Decree. *sigh*

Frustrated I head home to figure out exactly where I am supposed to get said paperwork. I knew it was at the Courthouse but where. A few phone calls later I was on my way to the Courthouse. Get there find Archives and explain my situation to the lady behind the counter. She then tries to tell me that I can't have access to it because I am the mom. Grr ... I had to explain to her 4 times that I was still Mini-mes mom that I never gave up my rights and that I have every right to access the Decree. She finally got it and pulled up the paperwork. Six dollars later that I don't really have and I was on my way back to the SS office.

With in 30 minutes Mini-me was legally herself according to the SS Administration. :) I was then off flying home to get Little Bird off the bus. Tried to take a nap before the other kids came home and life get busy again but Mini-me and The Ex both felt they needed to call and talk.

From 3 to 5:30 is pretty much a blur of driving kids to work, basketball practice, to the store and picking kids up from work and practice. The rest of the night went quickly and instead of going to bed at 10 like I should of I stayed up surfing stuff online. Making me even more tired for Friday morning.

~*~*~*

Friday and we all have the day off. YAY and BOO cause it was another very busy day. Up at 5:45 and at my eye appointment by 8. Just another fitting for my contacts (they can't find the right pair for my screwed up eyes lol). I told Mini-me that she needed to get up before I had left and to be ready with Little Bird cause the 3 of us were taking a trip out to the College.
Home by 9 and out the door again. I always hate leaving the other kids at home alone but they have a cell phone and know the rules of the house. Just made me anxious cause the Community College is 15 minutes away.

My missions at the College were to 1) Take Mini-me so she could see what life would be like in the Fall 2) Get info on Scholarships for both her and I 3) Figure out how to modify my Financial Aid due to my income changing so drastically from 07 to 08.
Everytime I enter that campus I feel so overwhelmed. All of my past failures come back and haunt me. :( I start to panic that I will fail again. I slap a smile on my face and act as normal as possible so that I don't freak Mini-me out. As we were trying to find the office where the Scholarship info was Mini-me got very angry and full of attitude. :( I didn't understand it at first then it clicked in my head right as she barked at me. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said something about me knowing everything and not telling her anything and that she was feeling stupid. :( My mom heart was sad and confused. She walked around with me for the next hour taking care of things but would not talk. Not even to her Boyfriend when he came found us (he already goes there).

After figuring out what I needed to do to fix my Financial Aid stuff we left. In the car I asked her again what was wrong. All I could get out of her was that she needed to go shopping at Old Navy for therapy. LOL (Which I let her do and she got a pair of Jeans for $1 and a shirt for $4 ... those are not typos. We know how to shop.) After some prodding and breaking down myself and telling her how scared I was she told me that she is freaking out about College. :( She is nervous about being in classes and not knowing anyone. I reminded her that I would be around and she could take a class with me in the evening if she wanted. Her boyfriend would be there as would her best friend (my other daughter). She seemed better after a bit but I am thinking there will be more days like this ... even more so when she actually starts in the Fall.

We finally got home around 1:30. I spent the next 2 hours after that filling out her FAFSA and mine for Fall. I broke down and took a very late nap. Mini-me and her boyfriend made dinner and let me sleep. They rock!!

I did have a "date" if you would call it that. I will write about that tonight along with who Mr. Bend is, My Students Dad, and of course more info about my favorite pair of Jeans.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

Oh how I thought this was appropriate for me today. I have just finished filling out my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) so that I can start attending College. AHHHH!!

Basically my life in a nutshell right now ... Single mom to 4 kids who doesn't make enough to pay the mortgage or any of the bills. No child support for 2 weeks and when I do get it it's less than what most people get for one child. I need to make a change ... finding a 2nd job to work while the kids are at their dad's has not been fruitful.

A coworker suggested that I look into the Women In Transition program at the Community College. I had heard rumors that there are single moms that go to school full time and get enough in grants (free money) that they can pay for rent/mortgage and daily life stuff. So I figured what the heck a few hours out of my life to go and talk to someone.

Last night I went to the Orientation and was so excited and freakin nervous as heck. I also had to talk it over with Mini-me. My ex decided after he got laid off/fired that he was going to College. Mini-me was not very happy about this. This is her Sr. year and she is worried that if he goes to school and gets Financial Aid she won't get what she needs when she starts in the fall. I didn't want her to think I was trying to cut in front of her.

When I came home all excited last night she seemed upset. :( Which made me a bit sad. I don't want her to think I am trying to take anything from her. Not one person in my family has gone to College and graduated. In fact I am pretty sure I am the only one that has actually attended any College courses.

Today however when I picked her up from work she was going on and on about how she told her Yearbook teacher what I was doing and how we may take some classes together because we are both going for the same major (Teaching). I knew at that moment that this is what I need to be doing. :)

So here is my goal list as of right now ... I am not going to quit my job. I love it way to much to leave it. I also need the income. Im way to scared to go to school full time ... fear of failing again. I am going to babystep my way into this. I am hoping to start this Spring (End of March). My desires is to get my degree in teaching. I would like to teach Middle school. I also want to take some small business classes. I would like to turn my garage into a sewing room and teach sewing classes. Not like the stuffy ones you find in sewing/quilt shops. Fun, laid back and all ages welcome type of classes. I have it all planned out in my head .... all the way down to lesson plans and costs.

I am so very nervous right now. I feel like this is what I should be doing and where I should be going. I am hoping that my gut is leading me in the right direction. :)

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.