Saturday, January 31, 2009

Fit throwing kids

I was really planning on writing about other things tonight but I am hoping that my readers can share with me what they would have done in my situation tonight.

Being a mom to 4 kids I have had my share of my kids throwing a fit. These fits can happen any where for a multitude of reasons. I have been doing this parenting thing for almost 18 years and I still wonder if I am doing it right. ;)

So tonight I decided that the kids and I needed to get out of the house for a little bit. After Little Mans basketball game this morning we came home and just relaxed. I could sense that they were getting restless. They all have gift cards to Wal-Mart that they had gotten for Christmas. They also had cash.

Everything seems to be going smooth. I had called my mom to vent about some financial and Ex issues and got off the phone about 10 minutes into the store. My kids were happy looking at the toys while I chatted. Little Bird (who is 5) has a huge thing for Legos these days. We head over to the Lego aisle and I patiently talk to him about what would be good sets for him to get. I show him sets that are made for his age group and explain that it will be easier for him to put them together alone or with little help. He of course can only focus on the harder bigger sets. We must have spent 20 minutes looking and trying to decide. I gave a 5 minute warning and said that we would move on to let Turtle and Little Man find what they wanted. When they found what they wanted we would come back to the Legos. By the way Little Bird started screaming you would have thought I was abusing him. :(

I started to walk away and as I was I kept repeating that we would come back to the aisle. He proceeds to throw himself on the floor and scream. I keep walking so he gets up and grabs me by my legs so I can not go anywhere. I calmly pick him up ... not an easy thing to do when he goes totally limp ... I put him in the shopping cart. He continues to cry and sob. :( I again repeat to him that we will come back to the Legos before we leave but if he throws another fit or does not calm down I will not do it. We will just leave.

He calms down and we get through the rest of our shopping. Turtle and Little Bird surprised me and picked out what they wanted and acted very grown up about it all. Now that I am writing this I realized I did not thank them :( or give positive reinforcment. Little Bird asked if he could get out of the cart and I let him because he had calmed down. We head back to the Legos and he keeps telling me he needs to think about it. I decide that there is just to much on the shelves in front of him and it is overwhelming him. I pull down 8 boxes of Legos that I feel he will like and that he can work with by himself or with little help. He seems pleased with this at first but keeps going back and forth. I explain to him that we have been here a long time and that he needs to make up his mind. I give a 5 minute warning which just sets him off.

He starts getting upset and throws himself on the floor. I tell him that he needs to pick something or I am leaving and he will have to come back another day. More crying and fit throwing. At this point I know other people in the store can hear him. He will not listen to me or pick out what he wants so I tell him that I am going to put the boxes back up on the shelves. He is freaking out big time.

I put the boxes up and tell him that we are leaving and that we can come back on a day where he is calm and not throwing a fit. I let him know that he is NOT getting the Legos because he kept throwing a fit. I walk out of the Lego aisle onto the main one and he starts screaming as loud as he possibly can. He is running after me and grabs my legs again. I pull him off and he grabs the under part of the cart. He is crazy strong when he is that pissed lol I could not for the life of me get him to let go of that cart. So I kneeled down in front of him and told that I will just leave the cart with all of the stuff I was buying and come back another time for it. I got up and started walking away. This set of Little Man ... he knew that I needed the stuff. So I looked back and realized I didn't need the cart. I grabbed the stuff and handed it to Turtle and Little man to carry. I think at this point we made it 5 feet away from the Lego aisle. :(

Little Bird continued to grab my ankles, legs, arms and hands to hold me back from leaving. I kept right on walking. I repeated several times that we would talk when he calmed down and that he was not getting the Legos.

Checking out of the store and getting to the car was just as rough. Once outside I sent the other kids to the car and I finally got a good grip on Little Bird and picked him up and carried him. He of course threw a fit getting in the car. I actually had to do the child safety locks on the door because he was trying to get out.

He eventually stopped the fit throwing and just cried until about 5 minutes after we got home. He asked me for a hug which I of course gave to him. I asked if he was ready to talk about it and he started crying again and said no.

I should state that I am not a big fan of spanking. Even if I was I would not have spanked Little Bird in the middle of the store.

I wonder though what the other people in the store thought. As I was standing there pulling the stuff out of my cart to walk it to the registers I could feel the glares/stares of the people around me. I am thinking that a few of them thought I was being to nice to my son. I never lost my temper. I used the same calm voice the entire time. I laughed at one point but more out of embarassment of the situation.

So what would you have done in my situation??
Should I have gotten the Legos?
Are my kids the only ones that throw fits like this?
Hmm really my girls have not thrown fits like this in public. They do it at home by slamming the door to their room. The boys are my public fit throwers.

I am drained ... this is when I find parenting to be especially hard. :(

Ice Cream in bed ;-)

I am sitting in my bed eating ice cream and doing some major thinking. It's 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon and my kids are playing in the backyard ... No I am not sharing the ice cream. LOL It's mine and I am a ice cream hog. ;)

I have so many things that I want to write about and I am not sure where to start. I've been debating if I should just write and let it flow or break it up into separate posts each with there own title. I like the flow I have when I am just writing but I also like when I am organized about it and I can go back and find it easily if I want to read it. Hmm Maybe I am doing way to much thinking today. LOL

I think (see there I go again with that thinking stuff) I will make this a general post and then write separate ones for my dating issues (Mr. Bend, The Jeans, and other random guys) and My Ex issues.


So with all of my lame thinking out that led to rambling I will move on. I had Thursday and Friday off this week due to grading days. You would think that I would try to relax a little on a 4 day weekend but no I ran myself ragged. :( I am fighting the urge to take a nap right now.
Thursday morning I had to get up to take Mini-me to school. After I took her I headed over to the Social Security Office to change her name on her SS card.

Let's rewind for a minute so you know why her name had to be changed. So I had Mini-me when I was 16 (Can you guess my age now? lol). I met The Ex in 1995 when I moved here to Oregon from Ca. He was part of Mini-me's life from the time she was 4. She did not have any type of relationship with her Bio Dad (I will write about him sometime). When Mini-me was around 9 The Ex adopted her. Hence changing her last name. However being the slacker mom that I am lol I never went down and had her SS card changed to her new legal name. When I did taxes I just used her old name. She got her Drivers Liscense with out any issues.

I got the papers to do it last year but life got in the way and I forgot about it. That was until Wed. morning when I was going to apply for her FAFSA pin number before I left for work. It hit me that she wouldn't be able to register at the College or for Financial Aid if her names did not match up. Since Financial Aid is a time sensitive thing I needed to move fast.

I dread going to the SS office. I had been in the past and it always took forever. Oh I was excited when I got in there and I was number 9 and they were on 5. My excitement soon faded when I got to the counter and the guy told me that having her DL, her ammended birth certificate and her old SS card was not enough. Are you kidding me?? What else could they need? He informs me that I need the Adoption Decree. *sigh*

Frustrated I head home to figure out exactly where I am supposed to get said paperwork. I knew it was at the Courthouse but where. A few phone calls later I was on my way to the Courthouse. Get there find Archives and explain my situation to the lady behind the counter. She then tries to tell me that I can't have access to it because I am the mom. Grr ... I had to explain to her 4 times that I was still Mini-mes mom that I never gave up my rights and that I have every right to access the Decree. She finally got it and pulled up the paperwork. Six dollars later that I don't really have and I was on my way back to the SS office.

With in 30 minutes Mini-me was legally herself according to the SS Administration. :) I was then off flying home to get Little Bird off the bus. Tried to take a nap before the other kids came home and life get busy again but Mini-me and The Ex both felt they needed to call and talk.

From 3 to 5:30 is pretty much a blur of driving kids to work, basketball practice, to the store and picking kids up from work and practice. The rest of the night went quickly and instead of going to bed at 10 like I should of I stayed up surfing stuff online. Making me even more tired for Friday morning.


Friday and we all have the day off. YAY and BOO cause it was another very busy day. Up at 5:45 and at my eye appointment by 8. Just another fitting for my contacts (they can't find the right pair for my screwed up eyes lol). I told Mini-me that she needed to get up before I had left and to be ready with Little Bird cause the 3 of us were taking a trip out to the College.
Home by 9 and out the door again. I always hate leaving the other kids at home alone but they have a cell phone and know the rules of the house. Just made me anxious cause the Community College is 15 minutes away.

My missions at the College were to 1) Take Mini-me so she could see what life would be like in the Fall 2) Get info on Scholarships for both her and I 3) Figure out how to modify my Financial Aid due to my income changing so drastically from 07 to 08.
Everytime I enter that campus I feel so overwhelmed. All of my past failures come back and haunt me. :( I start to panic that I will fail again. I slap a smile on my face and act as normal as possible so that I don't freak Mini-me out. As we were trying to find the office where the Scholarship info was Mini-me got very angry and full of attitude. :( I didn't understand it at first then it clicked in my head right as she barked at me. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said something about me knowing everything and not telling her anything and that she was feeling stupid. :( My mom heart was sad and confused. She walked around with me for the next hour taking care of things but would not talk. Not even to her Boyfriend when he came found us (he already goes there).

After figuring out what I needed to do to fix my Financial Aid stuff we left. In the car I asked her again what was wrong. All I could get out of her was that she needed to go shopping at Old Navy for therapy. LOL (Which I let her do and she got a pair of Jeans for $1 and a shirt for $4 ... those are not typos. We know how to shop.) After some prodding and breaking down myself and telling her how scared I was she told me that she is freaking out about College. :( She is nervous about being in classes and not knowing anyone. I reminded her that I would be around and she could take a class with me in the evening if she wanted. Her boyfriend would be there as would her best friend (my other daughter). She seemed better after a bit but I am thinking there will be more days like this ... even more so when she actually starts in the Fall.

We finally got home around 1:30. I spent the next 2 hours after that filling out her FAFSA and mine for Fall. I broke down and took a very late nap. Mini-me and her boyfriend made dinner and let me sleep. They rock!!

I did have a "date" if you would call it that. I will write about that tonight along with who Mr. Bend is, My Students Dad, and of course more info about my favorite pair of Jeans.


What I should be doing is blow drying my hair and getting dressed. We have to leave in 30 minutes to Little Mans basketball game. I get to see My Ex and his girlfriend (Horse Face), the Ex Inlaws and Gram (I love Gram lots so I don't mind her.)

What I would like to be doing is blogging a bunch of stuff from this week to let it out. Then sit around and do nothing for the entire day, read a book, do some sewing ,,, sigh.

Gah I guess I should go get ready. I know showing up naked to my sons game with wet hair is not appropriate. Although if someone paid me enough to do it right now I would highly consider it if it meant I was caught up on my bills and out of debt. LOL

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

Oh how I thought this was appropriate for me today. I have just finished filling out my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) so that I can start attending College. AHHHH!!

Basically my life in a nutshell right now ... Single mom to 4 kids who doesn't make enough to pay the mortgage or any of the bills. No child support for 2 weeks and when I do get it it's less than what most people get for one child. I need to make a change ... finding a 2nd job to work while the kids are at their dad's has not been fruitful.

A coworker suggested that I look into the Women In Transition program at the Community College. I had heard rumors that there are single moms that go to school full time and get enough in grants (free money) that they can pay for rent/mortgage and daily life stuff. So I figured what the heck a few hours out of my life to go and talk to someone.

Last night I went to the Orientation and was so excited and freakin nervous as heck. I also had to talk it over with Mini-me. My ex decided after he got laid off/fired that he was going to College. Mini-me was not very happy about this. This is her Sr. year and she is worried that if he goes to school and gets Financial Aid she won't get what she needs when she starts in the fall. I didn't want her to think I was trying to cut in front of her.

When I came home all excited last night she seemed upset. :( Which made me a bit sad. I don't want her to think I am trying to take anything from her. Not one person in my family has gone to College and graduated. In fact I am pretty sure I am the only one that has actually attended any College courses.

Today however when I picked her up from work she was going on and on about how she told her Yearbook teacher what I was doing and how we may take some classes together because we are both going for the same major (Teaching). I knew at that moment that this is what I need to be doing. :)

So here is my goal list as of right now ... I am not going to quit my job. I love it way to much to leave it. I also need the income. Im way to scared to go to school full time ... fear of failing again. I am going to babystep my way into this. I am hoping to start this Spring (End of March). My desires is to get my degree in teaching. I would like to teach Middle school. I also want to take some small business classes. I would like to turn my garage into a sewing room and teach sewing classes. Not like the stuffy ones you find in sewing/quilt shops. Fun, laid back and all ages welcome type of classes. I have it all planned out in my head .... all the way down to lesson plans and costs.

I am so very nervous right now. I feel like this is what I should be doing and where I should be going. I am hoping that my gut is leading me in the right direction. :)

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.


You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Your child is who?

I always find it a little awkward when I run into someone that I have gone out with on a few dates or even dated for a bit. It is even more awkward when you have friends with you or coworkers sitting near by watching the running into. They of course always want to know all of the juicy details of the past "relationship".

So as I walk into work today I am sure to be drilled about what happened as I left work yesterday. Ms. LG was laughing and said she was writing it down to remind herself to ask me today.

Yesterday ....

So as I am trying to leave work on time (for once) I see that I have a phone message I forgot to give to the Vice Principal. I walk around to the other side of his office and see that he is just walking a parent into it. I looked at the parent they looked at me and it hits us at the exact same moment ... We've dated! We said the normal Hi how are you?
I am thinking that this parent thought I was just another parent there. That was until I handed the phone message to the VP and explained it. He looked a little confused and I was a little embarrassed.

The minute the VP's door closed I turned to Ms. LG and asked "Who's parent is that?" Oh I so didn't want to hear the name that came out of her mouth. Don't get me wrong I love love love my job. I also love all of the kids I work with. However there are some kids that can drive you crazy, make you want to pull your hair out, and make me feel insane. The kiddos name I got was one of the make me crazy kids.

Ms. LB caught on to why I was asking. I was now as red as my pea coat. I told her I was not going to talk about it. I am sure I will tell her that I dated this parent but I am hoping I can do it without turning 12 shades of red and giving away to much info about my personal life in front of who ever may be around when she decides to ask.

What I am really hoping is that this dad did not go home and ask his son about me. I really don't want him to know I dated his dad.

With all of that said ... this guy is very good looking, we had lots of fun together, and I really have no idea why we stopped talking. I think I pulled a classic Shannon and just started ignoring his texts and phone calls.

Ahh well off to finish getting ready for work ... today is my Friday. YAY me!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

She's Crafty!

Have to love days like today ... I had a fight with the Ex when he came to get the kids and then I got stood up by Mr. Bend (will explain more about him later). So I was angry and I have nothing for dinner cause I was supposed to have a date. Mini-me never goes to the Exs house and she had plans with her boyfriend cause I was supposed to go out. :( Lame lame lame!! I decided to go to Target get some house supplies. Came home made a salad and put on my jammies.

Mini-me was a laptop hog ... something about school work that is due tomorrow. She has Senior-itis and waits until the last minute to do any homework. I think she lives in sweatpants now also. LOL Since she wouldn't let me use my laptop I decided I needed a fix.

Oh yes a fix is what I needed ... I have a major addiction. I wish I could say it was just an addiction to sewing but sadly I can't. Fabric, ribbon, buttons, thread ... anything to do with sewing. I can say that this addiction is at least healthy for me. ;) Not really on the wallet but I will not be dying anytime from sewing. I am glad that sewing does not turn my lungs black or cause cirrhosis of liver ... yes my sense of humor is very warped. Sewing actually makes me feel so much better and tonight it really did. I needed some instant gratification ... sex would of worked just as well but I am not doing that these days. ;) Normally I work on a quilt or a tote bag. I actually have like 5 projects going on right now. I told Mini-me this weekend I wouldn't start a new project until I finished all of the other ones. When she saw me getting out new fabric and the cutting mat she gave me the 3rd degree. LOL She is a Mini-me afterall ;) I told her to be patient and see what I was doing.

In about 15 minutes (cutting, ironing and sewing) I had myself a very cute purse sized tissue holder. :) I will probably give it to someone at work tomorrow. In reality I should be listing it in my Etsy shop and trying to make some money. Mini-me wants me to make them and sell them with my totes.

So there you go my secret addiction is out. Hi my name is Shannon and I have a sewing addiction. You can support my habit by telling me how cute my stuff is and how you want one. Hee hee

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Funny things kids say

I keep meaning to post this and was busy most of the weekend. So I am taking a break at work ...
So Friday night was just super busy for me. I got off work and Mini-Me and Little Bird picked me up from work (I let her use the car on Fridays since hers died) Anyways ... we run home get Turtle and Little Man. Call Turtles friend who is staying the night to go get her then run to Home Depot to get lights for the garage as they all burned out Thursday night. Shopping with 5 kids on a Friday night is just insane. My boys would not keep there hands to themselves. This goes on for most of our time out.

So as I am finishing up making dinner they are all getting ready at the table and Little man just can't stop getting into trouble. So I turn and say "Dang it Little Man you need to knock it off. You are so on my list right now." His brother (age 5) turns and says "Why don't you just put him on Craigslist"
Ok just writing this at my desk made me laugh out loud. I am pretty sure that Little Bird was wanting me to put his brother on Craigslist like we did our dog recently. Hoping that we could just get rid of him. LOL

It is so hard not to laugh at times like that. I had to turn my back and try to act mad.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Jeans I can't let go of ...

Don't let my title fool you. I am not talking about a pair of jeans you wear or keep around for a year or so cause you want to fit in them again. I am talking about "The Jeans" that I can't walk away from. The Jeans is a man that I met a little over 2 years ago and fell hard for.

Our relationship has not been normal ... well what I think should be normal for "dating". Telling the story of The Jeans and the last two years will take a few posts I am sure. Basically he is my addiction ... I swear if he was a drug I would need some serious help. LOL Crap I might need some serious help anyways ;)

After not talking for about 5 months (busy lives and he moved 2 hours away) he started calling me and texting me again. We talked for over 2 hours on Christmas Eve as I wrapped my kids presents. I have made very little effort at contacting him ... as I have been trying to just move on. It kills me when he calls or texts. I get excited all over again like maybe just maybe this time he will confess his love for me (again ... a story to share later).

Well Thursday night I was asleep for maybe an hour when my phone rang. Scared the crap out of me as it was his ring tone and I thought it was like 5 in the morning. I didn't answer it fast enough as I was out of it. I started to call him back but then decided to text him. I asked him what was up and if he was ok. He said he was fine and that he had just left a friends house and was wondering what I was up to. We texted a few standard lines of junk and he asked if I was alone. I said that my kids were home and asked why. He wanted to know if I wanted a visitor.
AHHHHHH really are you kidding me right now?? I mentioned again my kids being home and he texts me with my weakness ... "Watch a movie with me and cuddle" He knows how much I love to do this with him. He was killing me and he knew it. He called me right after that text and he tells me that he is around the corner at his other place going through his stuff. We were just talking about random stuff and his phone died.
I am thinking that at this point I am good and safe from temptation. I am weak and I really want him to come over and cuddle with me. Any longer on the phone and I would say yes. I text him telling him to drive home safe if he is going and to call me later. Not expecting a response for awhile with his dead phone.
About 45 minutes later he is tapping on my window. I of course am like a freakin school girl all excited now. I let him in and we end up talking ... ok ok and doing a little kissing and cuddling until after 3 am. He wanted to stay and cuddle and dang it I wanted him to. So he did ... and I loved every minute of it.

This is a horrible post lol ... I am so chopping this kick ass night into a 10 minute blog when it totally deserves at least an hour and a lot of explaining about our past.

I am so very confused about this man and his feelings for me. We have not had a normal "dating" relationship at all. I think it started out as seeing each other and it was great until friends started calling us boyfriend and girlfriend and we both freaked out a bit. I then think it became like a Friends with Bennies type of relationship. I was told to go date and that he wouldn't mind if I was with someone else ... HA until I was with someone else and he freaked out and didn't talk to me. sigh

I have tried several times to walk away but I really can't there is like some strange pull on me. I feel so different with him. I can't think of anyone that has ever made me feel like he does. I can actually look in his eyes when we are talking or just laying there (I am talking about like looking deeply into his eyes and he the same ... like we are talking without words). I can tell him anything and not be afraid of rejection or feeling stupid. He knows secrets about me that no one else does. Sigh

How do I let go? Am I even supposed to let go?
He asked/told me on Thursday night I should move to where he lives ... 2 hours away from here. That threw me for a loop ... Why does he have to be so confusing??

Ahhh ok I am just really rambling at this point and I should be sleeping. I wish I had a few hours to sit and tel the story of The Jeans.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Thoughts about my day

Let me start with I love my job. I really mean that :) I laugh whenever one of the students comes in my office and asks me if I like my job and I say "No I love it!" Of course they say I am lying. On days like today I can see why they might say that. It has been a weird few weeks of work.
My morning started off just grand ... as I pulled into work I realized I had forgotten my key. Can't get into my health room with out it. So I had to borrow a coworkers. I guess I should explain what I do for work so my two (1 & 2) readers that I have so far can understand what I am talking about ... although leaving it a mystery might be fun also. ;) I work at a Middle School as the Health Assistant/Attendance Secretary. So I deal with sick kids and attendance for 450 students. I also get what we call "high fliers" ... these are the kids that get in trouble daily. My office is right outside of the VPs. Anyways ... My day starts the same each day: Parents start calling around 8 when I get there to tell me that Johnny is sick or going to be late. At 8:30 or so until 9 I get my 20 plus kids that are late for school. Today started the same but lucky me I got yelled at by one parent over the phone for asking for a Dr.s note, 3 other parents telling me that I had to excuse their child for being late to school (for some lame reason and really it's so their child doesn't have to serve lunch detention), and another parent flat out lied to me around 2 period about why she was there picking up her daughter .... she lied so that her daughter wouldn't get into trouble. GAAAA I would really like to go into more detail about how I am tired of some of these parents but that is more than I can type tonight.
The saddest part of my day was when a mom came in to get her daughter to tell her that her dance teacher had died in a car accident last night. :( We (the staff) knew that 2 students in our district had died. One was from the elementary school behind us. The mom had no idea how to tell her daughter. She was crying in my office :( I am so grateful to have an amazing counselor at our school we helped the mom tell her daughter.
Days like this make me want to come home and hug my kids even longer and just a little harder.


I also had issues with my ex today. He has decided that he wants to switch the days that he takes the kids. Actually it's just our one son that he really wants me to take. (Little Man our 9 yr old) Long story short they don't get along. My ex is in school. Claims that he can't get all of his schoolwork done with all of the kids on Tuesday nights. Especially with Little Man having Boy Scouts and Basketball. GRRRR!!!!!
First let me say I would really like to tell My Ex to shove his schooling up his butt and to go get a job and pay me some child support. However that will not solve anything and I just let it go and move on.
Really what I would like is for Little Man to just live with and Mini-Me (my oldest daughter) full time. The things that are happening at his Dads are just not ok with me. :( Heck I know they would not be ok with many people. I hope to blog in more detail about this tomorrow. Little Man did live with me for most of December. Things rocked all the way around but he told me he wanted to try dads again. I think he is afraid if he does not go there his dad will forget him and sadly that is what will happen. It happened with Mini-me so it would happen to Little Man.

I am not even going to try to go back and read what I just wrote as I know full well that I am in a major ramblish like mode tonight. I have so many thoughts in my head and I want so bad to get them out here in this blog tonight but I am so exhausted and I need sleep.

Tomorrow is Friday YAY ME!! I hope to write more clearly tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I will survive ... A visit to my past

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and what I have gone through over the past 5 years ... almost 6. It seems as though I am not strong enough (in my own eyes) to make it another day with the shit being flung at me. Last night I found my blog from 5 yrs ago and read it over and over. As I started reading it I felt like it was not my life I was reading about ... but all of a sudden it was like a little movie turned on in my head and as I was reading the blog I could see it all. Such a weird feeling ...

I am glad that I wrote it and that I could go back and remind myself that I got through it. I also realized that I am a pretty good writer lol .. I have never really liked my style of writing. I did have a little anxiety reading some parts. My heart pounded harder and it brought back some strong emotions but I quickly calmed down when I reminded myself that I had gotten through it.

When I woke this morning I had actually planned on coming home from work and writing about something else. Something I have been wanting to let out for awhile but just won't let myself ... as it feels so final when I put it down in words. As my day went by I realized that I needed and wanted to post my blog from 5 yrs ago. I want it on this blog to remind myself that I will survive. I will get through all of the crap that is happening in my life. I am STRONG!!!!


Sunday, May 04, 2003


Did you know that a woman can get pregnant from having sex on the 8th day of her cycle?? So say you or well a woman in case you are a man reading this ... starts their period on Jan 1st on Jan 8th you have sex (<--- use what ever word you like) and 2 days later you (or that woman) ovulates. According to Dr.'s woman do not even ovulate until day 14 of the cycle ... I swear even if you know when you had sex and when you got pregnant an OB will always go by that 14 day rule. I am here to say that the 14 day rule is just not true ... I am proof of that. I am sitting here 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant all from having sex on day 8 of my cycle. Do you realize that a lot of women are still having a flow or spotting on day 8 of their cycle.

I guess God really wanted us to have this kid huh?? I can hear your thoughts now. You are asking yourself ... "Why is this woman telling me any of this?" My reply ... "No idea why really ... I needed an outlet (for reasons you will read very soon) and because this was the best place to start. My brain focused in on this and I went with it."

So now you know I am pregnant ... Let's move on to the next chapter of "I Will Survive" ... Yep kind of corny but as you read you will understand why I chose that as my title.

New Job and Academy

So just so you don't think I got pregnant from some random person or a boyfriend I will tell you I am married. My husband started a new job in November. A job that took a year to get ... although I knew he would get the job it was a long wait. Along with this new job my husband had to go through training for 5 weeks. Away from home, his kids and of course me. He came home on the weekends. We talked nightly on the phone .... I mostly vented about the house we were buying (see below) he listened then told me how it was there. I thought things were good ...

Buying a home

So we have been renting a home since April of 1999. A home that we always said we would love to buy but knew the landlord would never sell. Hmm or so we thought ... In September of last year (2002) our landlord (who lives 2 houses down) stopped my husband on his way home from work one morning and offered us the house. :-O I actually cried when my husband told me.
We knew that with our credit history it would be a bumpy ride but nothing like what we got. No real need for details but we did get the house. Right in the middle of what is to follow below.

Can I trust you? (Cheating Husband)

So back up to that academy thing ... Have you ever just gotten that gut feeling (or God feeling) that something just isn't right?? I do not have ESP or any special powers LOL I have what I call a gut feeling or I guess I could call it a God feeling since I truely believe my gut feeling is God talking to me. When my husband was going to the academy I would drop him off at a co workers house and they would drive up together. Well on that last Sunday I just did not feel right. The feeling nagged at me all day. At one point I felt rejected by my husband in the bedroom department. Not like him at all.

Sunday night I tried calling the phone in the dorms they stayed in .... 4 times I called 4 times it would ring and ring then someone would hang up. Eventually taking it off the hook. Ok my gut is now screaming at me ... I hated what it was saying. I did not want to believe what it was saying. I wanted to think I was being overly paranoid (being pregnant makes your brain wacky LOL). I knew in my gut as well as in my heart I was not being paranoid.

Never did talk to my husband that night. He called me the next afternoon which was odd because we only spoke at night up to that point. My gut was screaming so loud at me it was hurting me to shut up. I broke down in tears telling my husband what had happened that night before with my calling. I told him I was very uncomfortable and felt as though he was well to put it nicely cheating on me. He told me not to worry and of course I trusted him. Why wouldn't I.

From Monday to Thursday phone calls were tense. He was to graduate on Friday morning and I was supposed to go but he told me not to worry about it anymore. There was some scheduling things on my end that made him say this not just because of things to come.

Tension was present for the weekend ... again no need for details it actually makes me upset. Tuesday we were both invited to the neighbors house. Me for a candle party (I did not want to go) and him for some man time with the husbands. I must admit I am not a girly girl. I do like candles but won't buy them for myself. My husband on the other hand loves candles. Pretty much the main reason why I went to the party was for him. Man time at the neighbors means ... let's see how drunk we can get. Of course my husband has no self control when drinking so he was pretty much drunk. We decided to purchase some candles but of course I forgot my purse. I decided to send my husband back here to get it for me. Twenty minutes go by and he is not back ... I call home and tell him to hurry. He says he is on his way. Fifteen more go by and he has still not returned. I am feeling like a moron ... the poor candle lady just wants to leave. I call again and he shows up 5 minutes later. Gut feeling is talking to me at this point ... nothing big just saying "HEY get ready"

We come home and he passes out. I come to my computer do a few things and turn to my daughter and ask her what dad did when he came home. She informs me he was on the phone. My gut starts screaming ... It is so loud it takes my breath away. Do you know what it is like to try to wake up a passed out drunken fool?? I try to wake my husband and ask who he talked to. I got some mumbling and something about his best friend. My gut is yelling at me that this information is not enough. I go to his computer and start some looking around. When I think back I am still not sure exaclty how I found the information but I found a hotmail account for him. I tried our standard password but it did not work. My gut is now crying ... My heart is now busting. I know what is coming.

Remember that I am pregnant ... my husband was working the morning shift that week so got up and left before me. When I got out of bed I tried to tell my gut to shut it and let me get through the day. It would not stop ... I did not drink or eat that day. When my husband came home I greeted him at the door and politely asked him to come to the room (our bedroom) so we could talk.

Details get fuzzy here for me ... When you get as mad as I did you tend to block things out. I remember asking him several times who he spoke with on the phone the night before. Each time he told me his friend. I asked about the e-mail account several times and to be honest I can't remember his response. After 30 minutes of him lying to me he broke and told me he had been talking to someone he had met at the academy.

I am pretty sure I yelled for a bit at this point. Cried some then I remember getting up from the chair I was in and beating the crap out of his face and head. Mind you I am 5 foot even and 125lbs and pregnant. He on the other hand is over 6 foot and 220lbs. Now please don't think any type of spousal or child abuse happens in this house. I know hitting him and him pushing me to the floor to get the wild pregnant me off of him was wrong but when you are put in this situation I would love to see you not hit the person who just broke your heart.

Not sure exactly how or why we left our room but we did and with out fighting in front of our kids. The next thing I remember is walking towards him while he was at his desk and seeing that he was in the hotmail account and getting ready to type. He closed that screen so fast when he realized I was there. When I asked him to show me what he was doing he claimed he forgot the password. You know liars are just so not good at lying LOL. Really lying gets you know where. Ok so I freaked out a little on him... Umm hello you were just in the account and your password just what fell out your butt. He signed on and showed me one thing and I freaked out completely. My hands really are not that violent but that night I could not control them :-( Let's just say it was a pretty bad fight and the kids saw it. :-( NOOOO he never hit me just pushed me away again but when your a kid and see parents fighting like that you get scared.

The next thing I know my dad is at our front door. My oldest called him out of fear. Which I fully understand. Some how we all made it through the night in the same house ... even in the same bed (husband and I). The next day was so dang painful for me. When he came home we ended up in the room again ... Talking and talking. In the middle of all of this fighting we got the call they wanted to appraise the house the next day. UMMM NO ... we made it for Tuesday. This was Thursday. Our talks had to stop because things needed to be gotten right then from the store for the house to be ready. My dad was still here so we left the kids and went out. Now during our talks my husband said he never touched, kissed or slept with this girl and that he was sorry and as far as he knew at that moment he loved me and wanted to be with me.

On our way home I fell into the deepest depression ... yep just like that. I told my husband I did not want to go home that I wanted him to take me to the hospital. I still had not eaten. It was now 2 days of no food or water. I was confused about my marriage and depressed ... and depressed because I knew I had to take care of the child inside of me and I wasn't. We had to come home to bring the kids dinner. I stayed in the car out of complete frustration and fear. He did not want to take me to the hospital. When I finally did come into the house my husband was on the back porch on the phone. Can you guess with WHO???? If you guessed the other woman you are correct. After much fighting and crying on both of our parts I made him take me to the hospital.

I thought for sure he would stay at the hospital with me but no he decided that calling her and leaving me there was more important. Now for a good laugh.... at least I think so. Of course I knew I would have to talk to a counselor and to be honest I did not want to go home that night but never in my wildest dreams did I think they would keep me because of the following reason. Are you ready??? Now if you knew me you would know I have always hated my hair. It's just not what I want LOL ... I have a tendency to do things to my hair when I get frustrated with it or just need a change in my life. Yes ok when I say a change in my life it is usually during stressful times. Anyways.... Don't ever I mean EVER cut your hair when you are depressed then go to the hospital for someone to talk to because if you tell them that you cut your hair out of frustration because they will think you are suicidal and book a bed for you in the crazy unit part of the hospital.

The Crazy Part of the Hospital and Broken Promises

Have you ever been in the "crazy" part of the hospital?? For any reason at all?? Let me tell you it was pretty interesting. Weird and interesting LOL.... I will tell you it is not a place I want to go back to again or spend much time in. So I got lucky and they had a bed for me at the hospital. Really when I say lucky I mean lucky ... had that bed not been there my other quarters would have been the crazy place next to the jail. Not even next to the jail but part of the jail. Anyways ... I was so lucky (being sarcastic now) that I got put in a room with two other women. Not just two other women that might be depressed or down but two other women that well pretty much weren't all there if you know what I mean. I guess I can't really say much more about them though because I am sure it would be breaking some sort of confidentiality law or something.

After my horrible night of sleep (due to my life situation and the wonderful roommates I had who spoke all night) I was woken up at 6:30 am to have my blood pressure taken and told that I would need to join the others to eat breakfast. UMM did anyone tell this nurse I got checked in at 2:30 am and that I was pretty much not eating these days. I did not join them ... instead I cried and slept some more. After crying and sleeping and sleeping and crying I laid in that bed thinking. I made up my mind about a few things. First and foremost I wanted out of the hospital or at least that part of the hospital. I got up and asked for paper and a pen and made my list of demands. Yep pretty much demands LOL. Gave them to the charge nurse when I was done and they started working on it.

I did alot of talking that day to my family and to my Dr. (my OB whom I adore). My main goal was to talk with my husband and come to a decsion about what WE would do. Our talk would take place in the hospital ... that way if I felt like I was going to be out of control again I could feel safe. I ended up calling a church that day also ... Yep I believe in God (gut instinct) I was raised Christian and have been praying and turning to God over the past few years in my life but I knew I was not living the way he wanted me to. I spoke to the person that answered the phone that day and cried my entire story out to him. Asked him for prayers and told him I would call back soon. I have to tell you that I felt so good after that. Like God was holding me in his arms right then and there.

My husband did come in that day ... we spoke for two hours. I felt as though we had worked things out to a some what good spot considering everything that had happened. He made some promises to me that would later be broken. I left that crazy place holding on to those promises and to the hope that God would help us get through all of this.

God, Church and The Day after Easter

So again I am a firm believer in God ... but my husband is/was (not sure on this right now) not. We very rarely spoke about God with each other because it was like a debate and I hate debating. One of the things I made my husband promise me was that he would go to Church with me just one time. ONE time!!! Come talk with a Pastor with me. We went 2 days after I left that hospital.

Easter Sunday was a interesting day .... Off to Church we went. We decided that since we had just signed for the house a few days earlier that Easter would be at our home this year. Let me back track a little ... the Sunday before Easter up until Easter was a little tense between my husband and I. At the time I did not understand but I will say that my gut was speaking but I admit to not listening very well. I mean I listened and I questioned my husband but I trusted him. Not fully trusted but enough to get my gut to stop yapping. Anyways ... about half way through our day here on Easter my gut screamed at me ... My husband and I were in the hallway and I said are you going somewhere tonight. No idea where the question came from it just flew out of my mouth. He looked a bit shocked as I said it and stood stunned for a moment then told me that yes he was leaving. First it was to hang out with his brother. Later when I asked again it was with is friend. My gut was not shutting up ... I knew then he was lying to me again. How do I prove it??? Our families our here I can not cause a scene.

He left at 8pm that night. My step-mom stayed until 11 knowing that I was upset. My husband had told me he would not be home that night. After my step-mom left I was sitting at my computer and it was like some power took over me. I went to that hotmail account and found a way into it. :-O You know men really should not use computers to aid with cheating on their wives when their wives are very computer savvy. ;-) Anyways ... I was a bit shocked to see that just the day before my husband had sent himself an e-mail to that account from his work account.

I did not understand that e-mail at first. It was all numbers ... then it dawned on me. They were phone numbers ... Again after some creative detective work on my part I realized it was a calling card number, the other womans home phone and her work phone number. I already had her cell phone. Once I put it all together I could hardly catch my breath. My husband was not with is brother and not with his friend (I called both) he was with HER!!!! I felt as though I was dying. I was in such shock I could not even cry. I called my dad and explained what I had done and what I had found. I told him that I was going to call her and that is just what I did.

She was a bit shocked to hear my voice on the other side of the line. I think our conversation lasted 3 minutes and it was all lies out of her mouth. The last thing she said to me was "It is easy to blaim others isn't it" Let me tell you it really took every thing I had not to call her back and tell her where to shove it. Don't ever (ANYONE) put the blaim on me for any of this. The only person that can do that is ME and even then I would be wrong as I know that I did nothing wrong for my husband to do this to me and our marriage.

I called my husbands friend again ... Mind you I have issues with this friend. I cried to him told him every thing that had been going on and asked several times if my husband was there. I wanted to hold on to some hope that he was not with her. My night ended with a 40 minute talk to my mom at 2am. I cried myself to sleep.

Woke up at 7:30 am because I could not sleep ... Wondering where my husband was and if he would keep his promise to be home that day. At 9:30 the phone rang and the caller ID showed his friends number. I was not expecting my husband on the other end of the line. He told me he had been with his friend and would be home shortly. I told him that we would be doing some very serious talking.

He was home about an hour later and never I mean never in my life did I think that I would have the following conversation with my husband. As we sat in our room I asked him where he had been. He told me that he did stay at his friends last night but that he had seen her. That he left our house to go talk to her. Then he said I have something to tell you ... then he just sat there. I said did you sleep with her ... he sat there and started to shake his head yes and I said OMGOD she is pregnant isn't she?? He shook his head yes again. Let me tell you never in my life have I felt that type of pain. Here I thought he had not even slept with her and now almost a month after I found out about them and I think things are going to be ok between us I find out he has lied to me again.

I am crying now :-( There are days that the pain is just overwhelming. I did not hit my husband that day LOL. To be honest I don't remember talking much to him. I called my mom, dad, sister in law and the pastor at the church. I cried a lot ... to the point that I could not even breath. I stayed here as did my husband. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with. I am not sure if I can believe that but I stayed.

I have to admit I am not sure why I stayed at first ... It was not clear to me until Wed. night (2 days after I found out). I was reading my bible and God showed me this is where I belong. Nope I have no idea why God wants me to stay I just know that what I read that night told me I am to stay. Every verse I read led to another verse that said the same thing. I read a devotional bible ... if you know what they are like there are little stories added into it then scriptures to read. Well everyone led right to another and they all said the same thing. I was in such shock as I have never had God speak to me through the word before. I am a dreamer and a gut instinct type of gal. The one verse that really clinched it for me was ... Isaiah 43 verses 18 & 19. I actually was so floored by the whole bible thing I had to call my sister in law and ask her if I was just imagining things or if I was really being spoken to. She pretty much agreed with me that this is where I should be.

That Sunday (last week to be exact) we went to church. I will admit that I was in a very foul mood. I was feeling depressed again. Questioning God about why he would keep me here in all of this pain. Well he must have been listening because the service was about letting go and forgetting. Just like the scripture above ... everything the Pastor said was the same as I had read on Wed. Just in case you are asking what scriptures did you go over that day in church it was ... Genesis 41 verses 51 & 52.

I will admit that I left church that day on a complete high ... I felt as though God would help me forget. To be honest I know he has helped me forget some already but this last week I fell again. I love God and I truely believe with out him in my life I would not be here but I am only human and it is hard to trust in God when the world around you is pushing in on you. Funny that the service at church today really talked about the way I was feeling. Just as I felt this week that everything was against me ... I realized it is not. God is not punishing me he is helping me grow and I believe my husband also. I can not fully explain what I mean here but I hope you understand how awesome God really is. I hope that if I am ever having a down day that God will bring me right here to these last few paragraphs and remind me how awesome he is.

I Will Survive

So after typing for close to 3 hours now I am exhausted. I will finish this with what I hope God is planning for me.... I hope that God is bringing me into a closer walk with him, I hope that he is bringing my husband to a walk with him also, and that anyone that reads this will get a glimpse at my God and how awesome he is. I hope that God will help me be patient in my time of need and pain ... I know he is there and he is trying I just need to "Let go and Let God". I hope and dream of so many other things that I can not even go into detail about them here right now but I know that God knows.

I Will Survive ... I will get through this ... and God will be right by my side.

By the way please excuse any mispelled words ... I normally pride myself on my spelling LOL but being pregnant and emotional sure does rot the brain of the great spelling I had ;-)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A whole new world ...

I feel as though I have stepped into a whole new world. Over the weekend while searching for I can't remember what on Google I came across a blog for a single mom. Not just any blog for a single mom but one that I thought was funny, refreshing and something I could relate to. I was went through the links on her blog and it led to many others that I just had to read.
I found myself realizing that I was not alone in this crazy single mom life. I also came to the shocking conclusion that there are single dads out there that rock also. :)

I have a few friends here that are single moms but I have always felt different from them. Not sure really how to describe it but I guess I never really felt like they understood everything I go through. Weird because really we all share the same thing of raising kids alone.

I am not new to the blogging world. I've used blogger in the past ... Weird that after 5 years I can not remember my user name and password to log in lol. It was a private blog and really never got past 3 posts. The first post pretty much explains how and why I am a single mom.
I also blog on Myspace but always feel as though I need to censor myself in some way. I wonder what my kids, family and certain friends would think if I wrote how I really felt about everything.

I will not be inviting my kids, family or friends to read this blog. This is for me and whoever stumbles across it to read. I will be eventually re-post my Original blog and I will pull posts from Myspace to explain more about myself.

I have been feeling a bit down lately and I am thinking this is just what I needed. It feels so good to know that I am not alone in my Adventures of Single Mommyness :)