Sweet Little Blessings (S.L.B)

I am sure I have mentioned before that I love to sew. When I was a little girl and teenager I would dream up cute things to make. Sadly I did not have a sewing machine or anyone willing to teach me how to sew. I think it was around 8 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the tax return and purchased a sewing machine. I went to the library and got books to teach myself how to sew. I also used my best internet friend Google :)

Sewing to me is not just a fun thing to do. It is healing to me. When I see fabric I start a design process in my head and have to get it out. Once I start on a project I can't stop. It is an addiction to me.

My passion for sewing has inspired me to want to teach others. I currently taking business classes through the college so that I can start my own business. :) Someday I would like a big studio where students can come and learn how to sew. Clothing, quilts, fun little crafty items ... you get the idea. It will be a fun place to come to and hang out and learn. Not like the quilting shops here in town. They are stuffy, snobby, and act as though they are better than anyone else.
In the mean time I am working on teaching private in home lessons. All the student supplies is fabric I bring the rest.

I am also hoping to make a little money selling the things that I make. :) When I first started sewing it seemed logical to me to start with clothes. I thought it was great ... until I made my first quilt. I lost interest in making clothes ... expect for the jammie pants I make us all every Christmas. Now that I am expecting a sweet little blessing I have jumped back on the clothing wagon. I haven't given up the quilting. :) I have 3 quilts waiting to be finished ... they are on hold as the fabric I need to finish them is so new I can't find it.

I thought I would share some of the outfits I have been working on. I seriously am not a girly girl and neither are Mini-me and Turtle ... Sweet Little Danielle (Dani) is going to be girly girl for all of us. LOL It is hard to find patterns in newborn size so I am making most everything in 3-6 months at this point.

Peasant Dress
This is so much cuter in person
and I imagine it will be cuter on
a baby then the hanger :)

The first pair of shoes I've ever made.
I could use some practice :)
They are so tiny and cute

I whipped this pretty little number up today
Reversible Pinafore Top
Matching ruffle pants

This is the other side of the top
Obviously the letter "D" is for her name

Teaching Mini-me how to sew :)
This is the peasant dress she is working on
She might harm me for posting this picture
I am very proud of her ...
she has never sewn and is doing great so far
She loves zebra print and thinks Dani should also lol

A sneak peak The fabrics for Sweet Dani's next outfit
Ugh I can't wait to finish it ...
it's half way done on my living room floor.


A burp cloth
I am not sure I like very much
Need to work on this a little more

I will probably be starting a business/sewing blog soon. I am looking for a graphic designer to create my logo/branding items. Then the fun can really begin. My goal is to make enough money between private lessons and selling my items that I only have to work part time at my current job starting in the fall. I've really been praying about this ... so far all of the doors on this journey have been wide open. :)

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

Frustrated ... and I wish it was just sexually

I was not going to write tonight. My day was long and sucky ... I just wanted to curl up in bed with Little Man and read. My brain is not letting me do that. :( It is all over the place and I am hoping by putting it all here I can not feel so restless. I imagine this will be a long one and I apologize ahead of time.

I guess the best place to start is with my day today. I have to say again just how much I love my job but days like today make me so exhausted. I got to work a few minutes late this morning. Partially because I was a slacker and was on the computer here at home lol and because I was not really wanting to go to work. Little Man has strep throat (took him to the Dr. last night). I hated the thought of him being alone all day. I am less than 5 minutes driving and he has a cell phone and knows the rules but he is only 9 :(. I couldn't take today off for way to many reasons to get into tonight.

The first hour or work seemed to fly by. About 9:15 I remember a student talking to me. I was looking at him but kept seeing spots. Like the little spots you see when you look at the sun. I honestly can't tell you what the student and I talked about because in the back of my head I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I must have just glanced outside and the bright light was causing the spots. I looked at my computer monitor, I tried covering one eye, I tried to read the poster across the room and they all had the spots. It was then that I realized I was getting a migraine. Not now! Not Today! The panic started creeping in ... I lose my vision with every migraine I get. I never know how long I will lose it for. It seems to get longer with each one I have. :( I was also thinking why am I having another one ... I just had one 3 weeks ago to the day ... and even the same time. It is rare for me to have more than 1 a year. What are the chances I would get 2 in a 3 week time period. *sigh* I told Ms. LG and Ms. TB what was going on ... they knew that I would refuse to go home (just like 3 weeks ago). They offered the couch in the break room and I refused. Yes I am insane lol. I chose to sit at my desk and wait out the vision thing and just deal with the pain that would come. Forty five minutes of not being able to see normally. I am pretty sure I prayed a few times that I would get my vision back before I had to drive home for lunch to check on Little Man.

I can work through the pain of most anything. I have worked an entire shift with a raging kidney infection before I took myself to the ER. Once my vision was back and I returned from lunch at home with Little Man my day did not give me time to think about the pain I was having. It was pure chaos in my office from 11:40 to 1:30. I had at least 20 kids that had some sort of health issue. Kids that needed meds, band-aids, ice packs, fevers, parents that couldn't be reached ... the list goes on. Add in a detention room that joins to my office that had a Sub working it today and he let the kids go crazy. I had to go in 4 times and tell them to sit and be quiet. I finally got the Principal and told him I was done with them.

The hardest part of my day ... yes even worse to me than my own migraine ... was the selfishness of a "parent". I should state now that the school I work at is pretty much made up of all low income (poverty) families. I realized this when I took the job and I can usually deal with the parents that don't care about there own kids but today I was well I had a migraine and I was just not happy. I adore all of the kids that I come in contact with. I hope that each of them can look back someday and see just how much I cared and that will help them make the right choices.

Anyways ... I had a student (let's call her Hippie Girl) come into my office shortly after 1st period started. She comes into my office a lot. She told me that she didn't feel good. I take her temp and she is normal. She knows the routine ... I send her back to class and she is fine with this. She always comes in on her lunch and visits me if I stay there for lunch. I saw her in my office as I was leaving and she seemed to be ok. Shortly after lunch she comes in and tells me that she doesn't feel good. I take one look at her and tell her to call home. She is a very lovely shade of green and I am not even concerned about her temp. She calls her moms boyfriend and he tells her to tough it out and go back to class. GRRR

In the middle of her phone call I have another student run in screaming at me that she can't breathe. Yes really she is yelling at me lol. Funny to me now that I am thinking about it. I of course have to take it seriously as she has been in my office twice already. I take this girl back to the health room to lay down and Hippie Girl follows. I take Hippie chicks temp and sure enough she is just shy of 101. I call screaming girls mom first where they proceed to get into a fight on the phone about going home. She does not want to go home and insists on staying then hangs up on mom. I then call Hippie Girls moms boyfriend and tell him that she has to go home that she has a fever. He tells me to let her walk home. I sign her out and let her go.

Screaming girl goes back to class only to return later and insist that she now needs to go home. GRR Just like I wanted her to all day. Shortly after my office returns to somewhat normal Hippie Girl shows up at my desk. Now I know I have a migraine and it has been a very hectic day but I have to admit I was very confused. So she tells me that she walked home and all of the doors are locked and she wants to call the boyfriend again. Of course I let her. He tells her that he won't be home for a few hours because he is playing Frisbee Golf. Are you E'fing kidding me??
It gets better ... Mom does not have a cell phone, her work number in our computer is at least 2 years old, Hippie Girl has no idea where mom works, and there are no other emergency numbers on file for her. GRRRRR!!!

We can't let her leave campus again and just wander. She can't be in my health room alone and I can't go back there for the rest of the day. The school counselor and I found her a soft chair and a blanket to sit in. She sat in that chair for 2 hours. :( When school let out I was worried about her going home and not being able to get it again. She asked to use the phone to see if anyone was going to be there. Moms boyfriend is not home and refuses to go home. :( My heart is breaking at this point ... I have to go tell the school counselor to see if we need to call CPS. She tells me to talk to the Principal. He informs me that legally nothing can be done and that if I will be in my office she can stay until 4. Her mom supposedly gets home at 430. I let her stay until I left at 415. She had a temp close to 102 at this point. :(

I just don't get how someone can have kids and just not care about them. :( I know that it is not easy being a single parent. I know that not having money is hard (I am not much better off financially than some of those families) but my God love your kid(s) no matter what and take care of them. Get off your freakin drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships or whatever and take care of your kid!!!!

Today my heart is so heavy and sad for so many of my students. :( If I could I would build a home for them all and take them in and take care of them.

In the midst of my very chaotic day I had a girl get her very first period. I so remember my first one and where I was and how I felt. I just became part of a girls memory for life. She will share that story with her kids and possibly their friends. I hope that she remembers today as one with good memories. :)

~*~*~*~*~*

Ahh man just letting all of that out I feel half way better. I want so badly to go to bed but I know I will end up with insomnia again if I do not let more out.

I am not even sure how or where to begin the next part. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I even think about writing this.

I miss my Dad ... the feeling the last few weeks has been so overwhelming and I keep trying to shove it aside. After 2 years of him being gone I feel as though it should not bother me this much but it does.

Shit this is so stupid. I have not written anything in a long while about my dad. I stopped posting it on my Mypace blog because I did not want my sisters to see it and upset them.

I am not trying to make anyone sad that might read any of this :( My dad died just a little over 2 years ago. Story below ...

- A Pleasant Hill man died in a car crash late Tuesday afternoon in a truck his daughter was driving.

Police say the 17 year old apparently lost control of the vehicle near milepost 11 on Highway 58 west of Lowell.

Oregon State Police say the teen had a valid learner's permit but not a driver's license.

"When we have an opportunity we will talk to her and get a better idea of what was going on. Her inexperience driving could be a factor," says Sgt. Alan Gilbert.

Witnesses told police the truck lost control and flipped off the roadway smashing into a tree.

54 year old Daniel K*******, Sr. was pronounced dead at the scene. His daughter was transported to Sacred Heart Hospital with minor injuries.

It was my little sister driving. She turned 17 the day before. It was 11 days after my birthday and right in middle of my divorce. :(

I am not sure I ever really dealt with his death. Well at least the right way ... ok not in a healthy way cause I am not sure there really is a right way to deal with death. I had dreams about him a lot up until a few months ago. The dreams always freak me out and leave me feeling funky for a few days but not having the dreams anymore makes me feel sad.

I know part of my missing him so much right now is because he is not here to help me fix my problems. He was always there ... he fixed it all for me. Right now I don't need a man in my life I need my dad. :(

Ugh :( Ok now that I got a good cry out and used a half a box of kleenex I can move on ....

~*~*~*~*~*

Last thing for the night ....

I am a person that has very vivid dreams while they are sleeping (in between my insomnia). Lately my dreams have been very bizarre. So last nights dream should not be any more bizarre to me but when I woke this morning I had hope and felt refreshed.

Without to much writing here my financial situation is not the best right now. I am very frustrated and scared at what the future holds for me. As I posted before I plan on going back to school. With all of my financial worries I am nervous about trying to go back to school when part of me feels like I should be getting a 2nd job to make ends meet.

I feel so weird sharing this dream ...

In my dream Matt from Matt, Liz and Madeline came to visit me. He came to meet me and help me set up a scholarship program for Single Moms that wanted to return to College but were worried about losing there homes. This was a program for Single Moms that owned their homes and worked full time but still couldn't make ends meet. In my dream I was surprised by his coming to help me and at first I couldn't figure out how I was going to help other women with scholarships when I felt like I had no money to give them. Not that my dream wasn't weird enough with him showing up to help me I had somehow come into money. Like a lot of money but I don't really know how I got it but there was enough for me to share it with others and help them make it like I had. In this crazy dream I never saw myself in College but I felt as though I finished it and was doing better in life.

The only other thing I remember was that Matt was with me and helping me because he had started a foundation and I felt that he was safe.

Ok that is my totally random dream and this morning I felt hopeful about my future. Even after my crazy ass day with a migraine and my crying above about my dad I feel hopeful.


Now I am taking my headache-y, exhausted, and hopeful self to bed.

Huh I just noticed that I started all of this Frustrated (my title which I started with) and am leaving it feeling Hopeful. :) This is a good thing ...