It has been 8 months since I have written.
Kids.
School.
Work.
Sewing.
Church.
Life in general seem to keep me from here. When I started my blog it was mainly to write about life when I couldn't find any other way to deal with things. God now plays a huge role in my life ... blogging has taken a back seat. I miss my blog. I miss writing. I have been wanting to come back and write again just haven't found the time. Mini-me even said that I need to write again. Just to write.

So life is good. :) 8 months of life has passed and I can say pretty much drama free. I have been blessed countless times over the past few months. God really has been taking care of me. I have healed a few sore spots on my heart and life. I still have a lot more to work on. Areas I could write about and I hope to write about.

Maybe I will come back this evening and write more ... I noticed that someone missed me :) and I have a few new followers. I am glad that even though I don't blog as much as I used to my blog has been an encouragement to others. :) Praise the Lord for using my struggles to help others see that they can make it through!!

Princess turned 1 this past Friday .... and boy has she grown since I last wrote. Leaving you all with a picture of her. Off to make dinner, pick up the house and sew.

At the zoo 3 days before her 1st Birthday

Fall & Baby B

Baby B will be dedicated Thanksgiving weekend. I decided that she needed a cute picture for the day. So we took a little trip out to a friends house to take some.

 

Who would of guessed that a 3 1/2 month old would love the leaves so much. 

 

 She was not very happy that we wouldn't let her eat them.

 She made a dive for them and got a few. Which had us laughing.

After many attempts for her to sit on her own and keep the leaves out of her mouth we got a cute picture.

This girl is just just melts my heart. All of my kids do but you know what I mean. I wish I had more time to write but we have a busy day ahead of us. I have a nice line up of sewing jobs. (YAY!! Go Me!) I might actually get my sewing business off the ground.

The Return To Work and Life

Oh man I feel like I horrible blogger. I spent the last few weeks of my summer enjoying my babies ... all 5 of them. The Ex has been a bit of a thorn in my side about things. I can't even write about it now because I will get all upset again. Blah


Tuesday was my 1st day back at work. Talk about killer emotionally. I have never had to leave one of my babies at this young of an age. Mini-me I left when she was just over 3 months. The other 3 I never had to leave. Poor Baby B was just 7 weeks yesterday. I have never had to pump my breast milk before and that was not an easy thing to get going. Mini-me is a rockin older daughter and takes care of Baby B every day while I am at work. The first two days were rough on both of the girls. I came home to some crying. :( The last two days have been better. I even have the pumping thing down at work. And let me just tell you pulling your boobs out at work and attaching a suction machine to it is pretty darn awkward. LOL

I am still looking for a new job as I am not fully happy with the position I am in. If I could transfer back to where I was 2 years ago I would be so very happy. As much as I want to go back I know that God has me where I am for a reason. Not sure what that reason is but I know he has some sort of plan.

The Coach has made contact with me once I believe since my last post. See I am a bad blogger I can't remember anything I posted last time. He still hasn't seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. Honestly I like it this way. I don't need or want his abusive behaviors in our lives. I have filed the paper work with the DA's office to get child support going ... however I don't think I will ever see any money from him.

Hmm what else has been going on ... I am still poorer than poor. Phones were turned off for a day as I couldn't afford the bill. Scrounged every last penny we had to get them turned back on and still have money for rent. I am praying about how I will pay the Oct. rent. I only get paid once a month, on the 15th. I won't get my first paycheck until Oct 15. This will be an interesting few months playing catch up on bills and such.

I have been thinking about filing bankruptcy. Spoke with an attorney but she wants $1500 to do it all. If I had that kind of money I would pay some of my bills. LOL I can try to file with out an attorney but I am nervous about screwing it up. :( Something needs to be done soon though.

I swear someday I will get around to posting Baby B's birth story. :) Trying to adjust to going back to work. Just when I get this routine down I will start classes again at the college. Ha ha ha ... yes I am that crazy. I am taking classes online this term so I don't have to be away from home.

Hi to my new readers :) I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.

I am off to cuddle my sweet little one some more. She is curled into a ball on my chest right now.

You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list.  The longer your list, the smaller your God.  ~Author Unknown

Sometimes ...

One handed typing and need to vent ...


Even with my faith in God I struggle daily.
Money is so seriously non existant around here I want to cry.
I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent for Sept.
Mini-me is not working and neither am I.
Even when I go back to work my first paycheck won't come in until Oct.
That means Oct rent is impossible to pay and then there are the bills that are stacking up. :(

As if money wasn't stressing me out enough I have an Ex husband who is a jerk and a half and that is putting it nicely.
I seriously should not be allowed to pick the next man I date (if I ever date again). I have a horrible man picker. :(
So my move has put the kids out of the boundries for the schools they have gone to for years.
The Ex has decided with his girlfriend that Little Bird should go to a different school by him.
I (and the kids) want to put in for a transfer and stay at the schools they have gone to.
The Ex came to my house Sat to drop off boys and started yelling at me ... when asked to leave he got louder. At that moment I was wishing my police officer neighbor was home ... sigh
Today when he came to get the kids he said some things that were just not appropriate to say to the kids ... that had to do with the fight he and I had Sat. :(
Now I get a lengthy email telling me how he called the School District and how he is insisting the kids use his home addy for school. He still insists Little Bird goes to the school he wants him to.

I am so tired of men telling me how I am going to raise MY children. It would be different if they were "real" fathers who actually contributed to the lives of their children. The Ex only does things for the kids at his convenience ... or in typical divorced parent fashion to make me look bad. Cause you know its a competition on who does or gives the kids the most. :(

He called me white trash on Sat. and told me that I was a failure as a parent because I didn't throw Little Bird a birthday party or plan one for him. :( I know this shouldn't hurt me as I know I am not a failure as a parent nor am I white trash but it does. :( I already struggle with the fact that I can't provide things like birthday parties for my kids ... I work, go to school and raise kids while he goes to school and lives off his girlfriend and unemployment. GRRR

I am just struggling :( I love God and I know without a doubt he will provide for me and my babies. I know that I should not worry about the money, The Ex being a jerk or anything else but dang it I do. Sometimes I just want to holler and cry at God. I want to ask why? and please show me what you have planned but I know that is pointless. He is using all of these things to build me up ... to refine me. *sigh*

I need Prayer ... I would ask for money lol but not sure anyone is willing to just send that to me or pay my bills. Hey I still have a sense of humor :) I need to find time to sew and get my stuff on Etsy .... then I need to have faith that it will sell.

Ok going to bed as my sweet Baby B will be up soon to nurse.

I go back to work in 2 weeks ... I have no one to watch the baby and oh then there is the matter of money to pay someone to watch her. SIGH :( Learning to pump my milk the last 2 days has been a challenge.

More later ...

Oh So Cute ...

Sweet Baby B smiling in her car seat as I did my hair this morning.

 

 

My Big brother and I ... I believe I was 7 weeks old. 

( I had a big head LOL)

Half asleep on my couch with a baby sprawled across my lap. Just wanted to share a picture of her from this morning and one of me when I was a baby. I can see now why everyone thinks she looks like me ... I still see a lot of her dad in her expressions. 

A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer.  ~Author Unknown

(and I am so blessed to have 3 daughters)

Settling in to our new life ...

I think we are settled in for the most part.
Moving was chaotic and stressful to me and Mini-me but it is over. Unpacking is still a work in progress. Our new place is smaller so finding a place for everything is a bit of a challenge.

Baby B is doing wonderful. :) As of last Friday at her 2 week check-up she was 6lbs 10oz (up 6oz from birth) and she was 19 inches long (up a half an inch from birth). She is just a tiny little thing.
Her favorite spot is on my chest curled into a tight ball. Today she was fussing while on my shoulder I slid her down a little pushed her legs under her and she instantly stopped eyes closed and she was out. So sweet *sigh*

The Coach is a loser. I know I know not very nice to say but oh so true for so many reasons. He has not seen Baby B since she was 3 days old. He texted me when she was 10 days old. Instructing me to set up a time to meet with him so we could go over a parenting plan. Ummm hello parent-that-doesn't-really-give-a-crap Baby B is not leaving my side anytime soon.
After sending the same text to me on day 14 and day 17 of Baby B's life he finally called and told me that I had to make time to meet with him. Ha ha ha ... My response was not one that he liked very much.

I would really like to tell him where he can shove it however I am trying to treat him as God would. Not an easy task I tell ya. Sigh If he wants to see Baby B he needs to pull his head out of his butt and call me and ask to come see her. Unless God preforms a miracle I don't see The Coach changing anytime soon.

I have sent in the paperwork to get child support started. Doubt I will see any money anytime soon but I want him to realize he is not going to walk all over me anymore.

As for Baby B's birth story I am getting to it I promise. :) More pictures or maybe a video will be posted also. I can't believe that I had a baby 3 weeks ago and moved across the city when she was 10 days old ... and we both survived lol.

Money ... well I would say money is tight but that is an understatement lol. I received a surprise check from the insurance company however it was gone before I could get it to the bank. :( I am seriously fully relying on God to provide for us.

I am off to feed a baby and deal with an 11 year old boy who is testing my patience. LOL

Moving ...

Crazy chaos will give details later.

Moving is hard.
Moving out of your home of 11 years hurts.
Moving with 12 day old baby ... and feeling useless as I can't do much.

Need major prayer about money as I have $500 to make it to Oct. and I got a cancelation notice on my car insurance today and my phone. :( Mini-me lost job last week so there is no income happening her.

Typing one handed need to change baby B.
Will update soon.

Just a quick pic ...

Just driving by my own blog to post a picture of the newest family member :) I am so seriously head over heals in love with this girl.
Thank you all for the congrats. :)

Baby B has arrived ..

One hour and one minute after my last post Baby B made her arrival in to the world. :)
She was born at 7:53 pm (PST).
She weighs 6lbs 4oz
She is 18 1/2 inches long
Apgars were 6 and 8 (she had some struggles)
and can I just say cuter than all get out. :)

She had a little trouble breathing and was a little blue but after some vigorous rubbing she got to crying and pinked up. :) She is a champion at nursing.

Mini-me got to attend the birth even after I originally said no LOL. I declined to cut the cord and let Mini-me do it. :) Talk about a special moment.

I will post pictures and a full birth story soon. Along with how I told The Coach and his reaction. LOL

Thank you all so much really for the positive comments and support. I really couldn't be more blessed in my life. :)

Oh and my other kids are IN LOVE with their new baby sister.

My ESP, a Vent, and Baby/House news

Oh where to start ... Just over an hour ago I walked into Mini-me's room and said ...
"I have this very bizarre feeling that The Coach will contact me soon"

Came to my room sat on the bed with my laptop. Phone next to me and about 15 minutes later it lights up with a text from who else but The Coach. I screamed "Oh My Gosh" in such a way that Mini-me yelled back "Oh my gosh did your water just break?"

I told her no that she had to come look at my phone and she started freaking out. She accused me of contacting him LOL. It is a bit freaky that I have some strange ability to sense when things are going to happen.

So it's been somewhere between 12-14 weeks since of no contact on his part. Well minus the day I met him for lunch ... about 7 weeks ago now. That was the day he proceeded to tell me he wants to go to the rest of the Dr. appointments. After much prayer on my part I called and left him a message the night before the appointment. Texted him on the way to the appointment. I believe I posted all of this. Did he show? Did he call? Did he text? Oh that would be NO No and no. So in my eyes everything he said that day was a lie.

Now tonight at 10:30pm. 9 days before my due date he has the freakin nerve to text me and say the follow ...
"Hey I just wanted 2 check on u. Dont kno where u stand but I still wanna kno wuts goin on and be there. B nice 2 talk again. Hope you and Dani r healthy ... "
(umm yes that is exactly how he texted it to me ... He is a 35 yr old man that texts like he is 16)

Please forgive me Lord ... BUT ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? A text message. Not a phone call. At 10:30 at night. Not during the day or early evening when most people contact other people. He wants to check on me? For what? He has not had one ounce of interest since he got a new girlfriend. It would be nice to talk to me? Hmm well the last I checked talking meant you had to CALL not text. What could we possibly talk about? How he still hasn't gotten a job for the summer? How he promises to be around for Dani when she is born. Or how we need to work out a parenting plan? Oh maybe he will finally tell me he has a girlfriend. Oh oh oh I got it ... he wants to talk so he can tell me he misses me and the good times. HA HA HA And he hopes we are healthy ... uh huh I am glad that has been a huge concern the last 14 weeks.

Ok I feel way better getting that off my chest. I have not responded to his text. I paced back and forth in my hallway for a good 20 minutes. I vented a crap load to Mini-me who reminded me to Pray Pray Pray. I love that girl. I do not plan on responding to his text unless God gives me His words to say. I know that there is no way that I could respond in a nice way at all. He will get a phone call from me after the baby is born.

Speaking of the baby ... I spent most of my night contracting. Major ones that kept me awake and tossing and turning. I got about 3 hours sleep. And because this is my blog I am just going to be gross so if you don't want to read the gross stuff skip to the next paragraph now ... I lost a huge chunk of bloody show this morning and a ton more this evening and tonight. Seriously I hope I am making some progress on the dilating and effacing front.

I am going to call my Dr. in the morning and ask to come in and be checked. She is on call and said if I was having ANY contractions to call. LOL I believe that 4 in an hour counts and with the gross stuff I mentioned above it is worth a call. :)

I fully believe by this time tomorrow night (Thursday night) I will be holding my sweet baby girl. If I am not I will be very very surprised.

On the house front ... I found two places last night while I was online and called first thing this morning. One of them didn't except housing assistance which sucked cause the house is in the area we want to live. The second house "may" accept the housing assistance and it is about 15-20 minutes from where we live now. My kids would have to be driven to school everyday and my drive to work and the college would be long.

They got me in to view the house with in the hour of calling them. To my surprise the house is in a neighborhood that is adorable. There is a police officer in the house right next door. AND AND AND ... The house is exactly what I have been looking for (minus location). Size perfect. Lots of kitchen cabinets. Hardwood floors throughout. Two car garage (and it's large) with laundry hook ups in it. The master bedroom even has a small half bath. :-o That would mean no more waiting outside the bathroom door lol.

The lady at the property company was so so so nice. I explained everything to her. About being pregnant and due any minute with an induction set for Monday. I told her about the house selling and my credit situation. The housing assistance and needing to be out of my house by the 28th. She suggested writing a letter explaining my situation to the owner of the house and she will include it with our applications. She said she will pass it by the owner and the manager of the property company before I pay for the application fees. Just in case the owner won't accept the housing assistance. I had already planned on writing a letter but her suggesting it made me feel even better.

So I filled out the apps for Mini-me and I and wrote a letter and emailed it all to the lady. Now I pray that if it's the right house God will work everything out for us. :) I really don't want to be that far out from where we live now but I am totally trusting that God has this all taken care of.


I hope that my next blog post has a picture of me holding a baby girl. :) Or me updating to say that I am in labor and then me holding her. :)

Oh Baby ...

I am officially 38 weeks and just shy of 4 days pregnant . A record in the land of pregnancies for me.

My Dr. has been on vacation since July 2nd and was very surprised to see me this morning. She said when she got home on Sunday night she went through the files to see if I had given birth and figured that somehow I had given birth the day before or was giving birth then and she hadn't been updated yet. We are just floored that I am still pregnant.

I have been dilated at 1cm and 50% effaced for over 3 weeks. Thought for sure with all of the contractions I would deliver weeks ago. However this sweet baby has decided she is hanging out now and likes it in there.

My Dr. went ahead and stripped my membranes today. Hoping to jump start labor as I have been cramping and contracting since Thursday. I wish I could report that I was in labor now but sadly I am not. I am having some more intense contractions but nothing regular. Well they might be regular but I am not timing them. If they continue for a but longer I will time them.

I spent most of my day walking. I walked the mall. Walmart. My neighborhood. I took my car to the car wash and vacuumed it out.

If this sweet baby decides to stay in I will be induced Monday morning at 8am. I am not super thrilled to go this route. The thought of pitocin to start contractions freaks me out. :( It means they won't let me up to move around much ... which I will not be happy with.

My Dr. is on call Thursday. She told me if I have ANY contractions that seem some what regular to come in and she will check me again. I think that if I have not had her by Thursday afternoon or show no signs of having her I am going to call the Dr. anyways and discuss the induction.

If I am dilated Monday morning to say a 3-4 then I will just ask her to strip the membranes again. If I am a 2-3 I am going to ask if we can start with Cervidal on the cervix to see if that will start things. I just hate the thought of jumping right into the Pit. :(

If I am lucky this baby will do what Little Man did. I went in on a Fri. was told to come in that Monday for the Cervidal. To everyones surprise I was at 4cm and in labor. :-o

That is my jumbled rambling for the day. Oh wait ... we still have not found a place to live. We have to be out of the house next Wed. Yes that would be 2 days after my induction. Oh Baby!! My faith is still there but I will be honest I am worried. Praying my heart out for a house.

Ahh one last thing ... No I am not telling The Coach about any of this. He will be called after the baby arrives. I don't want him at the birth or evening knowing I am in labor. Do I feel bad about this? For the most part no. I have a little tiny sliver ... I mean like one of those slivers you get but you can't see ... of guilt that he won't be there but that is just because I still love him and wanted the birth a certain way. He has chosen the path he is on ... not me.

There are 5 ladies at Church that know because I needed prayer. My friends Grr and L both know because they are my labor buddies. My mom knows well cause she is my mom and The Ex knows so that he can be prepared to take the kids. I am not telling any other friends or family members. I am trying to keep this as low key as possible.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us. ~Socrates

Joyful Summer Nights

It's been an emotional few days for me. I am seriously ready to meet this baby.
I have 11 days now to find a place to live and move out of my home of 11 years. I have yet to find us a safe place to call our new home.
Not having a job during the summer months always stresses me out. The lack of income is scary for me. I do have money set aside but with having to move and a new baby I worry.
I have God and that is where I have put all of my worries, stresses and fears. My faith is still intact and even though I see no hope I know that He has a plan for us and will take care of us.

On Monday it will be 11 years to the exact day that I gave birth to my sweet, cuddly, loving, Little Man. I am still in shock that he will be 11 and entering middle school in just a few short weeks.

In typical mom fashion I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I have come to realize over the last year or so that I don't have typical kids. They don't ask for big parties so they can get lots of gifts. They usually want to just do a lunch or dinner as a family. They ask for one big gift and maybe a couple of smaller ones. What has really surprised me is that they have all started asking for me to make them gifts. It started with Little Bird last August when he asked for a Disney Cars pillow. Not a pillow you sleep with but a throw pillow with a special cover made by me. He asked for another pillow at Christmas time. Mini-me asked for a blankie this past month for her 19th b-day. I am talking like a blankie that she could carry around like a toddler would. With soft fuzzy fabric and a dinosaur print. She has been known to carry it in her purse.

So when I asked Little Man what he wanted it was not surprising to me when he asked me to make him something. He requested a new body pillow with a personalized pillow cover. The boy seriously sleeps with like 4 regular pillows and a body pillow already. He buries himself in them and blankets every night. I spent most of Tuesday and part of Wed. of this week printing off letter templates, tracing, cutting fabric, ironing fabric and sewing it all onto black fabric to make a 20 x 52 pillow covering. Little Man loves origami. He takes origami paper with him everywhere. So what better font to use than an origami font. His name goes across the pillow in shades of yellows and greens. Each letter looks like folded paper. I can't wait to give it to him. :)

He will be getting other gifts but I wanted to do something special for him this year. He asked for a skate party at the skating rink but being that I am 38 weeks pregnant I told him not this year. We live next to the Minor League Baseball stadium. So I surprised him tonight by taking him to the game. Not only was it Friday night Fireworks night but all four of my kids set a World Record. :)

The stadium hosted a Mi Koo Jackson night. At the end of the game everyone was invited out to the field to participate in the first ever large group Moonwalk. Guinness World Records people were on had to witness the account. The group had to do the Moonwalk for 5 minutes straight around the field. Unofficial count was 649 people. So cool to think that my kids just made a bit of history. Silly/fun history but history. :) And memories that they will surely never forget.

Tonight was a good night. I was complimented several times by the people around me about how well behaved my kids are. How nice it was to see siblings that all got along and loved each other. Oh what a great mommy moment. :) My heart swelled with even more love for my kids and my God for trusting them to me.

It's been a long journey over the past 7 years and even though I spent a good bit of time crying the last 2 days. I love life. I love my life. I love that even though it has had some really crappy times I am stronger. God has made a huge change in me and I love it. :) I think about sometimes going back and reading older posts but I don't need to. I can feel the changes I've made without having to go back. :) YAY ME!!


I noticed I have a few new readers/comment leavers. I am so excited about this. I did not start this blog for anyone but me. It was my outlet and still is. I hope that some of my trials and joys can help you along whatever path you are on. :) I apologize up front if I don't respond back to your comments or if I don't leave one on your blog. Do know that I read comments and blogs.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown


We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Be Still

I am not very good at being still. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control I need to do something. It is so hard to just sit and wait. God however has me on this path of being still. I have been on this path for a few months now and I have learned so much about myself and others around me. God really has done some major work on and in me.

I have to personally admit that I am a little tired of being still. LOL I am not questioning God or his timing/plan. I am just starting to feel panicked. I know that this is when He is telling me "HEY SHANNON ... You need to rely on me more now than ever. Trust me. Have Faith. I have it taken care of."
My response back goes something like this ...
"Umm yeah God I do trust you. I have seen everything you have done for me over the past few years but why oh why do you have to take me all the way to the edge like this? Oh wait I know why ... You are building me up. Refining me. Making me stronger and more patient. You are wanting me to fully rely on you no matter what. (In my small little kid voice) ... Please God can I just have this baby soon and can you bring me a new home before I am homeless? I want it to be your time and plan Lord but man I am human and really struggling."

*sigh*

We have to be moved out of the house in 20 days. We have about 15 days to find a place and get it approved for housing assistance before we can move in. I trust God! He really has taken care of me but I am human and I am having a lack of faith moment and starting to panic.

On the baby front I fully believe she has decided to take up permanent residence in there. Saw one of the partners at my Dr.s office today. I am still at 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. Her head is at zero station which is pretty darn low. That explains the pubic bone pain and probably the hip/back pain. You would think with her head that low the pressure would efface me more and dilate the cervix ... sadly no. :( On a good note ... I gained back the 2lbs that I lost plus put on another 1/2lb. I was officially 140lbs today. Total weight gain ... 20lbs. :)

What's really hard about this being still is I am worried about having a baby and moving with in days of each other. It's me. There is no man in my life to help pack. To help move. I have had friends tell me they will help with the move. As will the church. I am sure they will but that requires me asking and I suck at that. I have pride issues. Probably something else God is going to whip right out of me. LOL

On a fun note ... Both Turtle and Little man are playing in softball and baseball tournaments this week. Turtles first game was last night and man on man was it epic. Twice my Turtle was the girl that tied the game up. They had to play 3 innings to break the tie to see who went on to tonights game. Normally they have a 2 hour time limit on these games ... last night was just over 3 hours. Can't wait to see how tonights game goes ... hoping it it isn't as long. LOL It was hard to sit in 90+ degree heat and hold my bladder. LOL

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Still here ...

I wish I could update and say that I was holding my sweet girl in my arms. However she is still incubating inside of me. I have gotten some sleep the last 2 nights. Thank God! Well minus the normal trip or two to the bathroom. :)

I have done so much walking over the last few days. I am bored out of my mind with it. I know that when it is her time to come out she will. I am just so uncomfortable. :(

Next Dr. appointment is Thursday morning. My Dr. is out of town until the 19th so I get to see the other Dr.'s in the practice. Not sure how those appointments will go. Really what I am hoping for is labor tonight. :)

Tomorrow it is supposed to be 95 degrees. When I am not pregnant that kind of temp makes me sick to my stomach and usually brings on a headache. Top my day off with a softball game for Turtle at 5pm ... the hottest time of the day here. I am going to be one majorly unhappy & I am sure sick pregnant woman. *sigh*

Can't miss her game. I am that mom that will drop anything to be there for her kids. I have to drive her to the game since Mini-me will be attending to Little Bird at his Breakdance class. Only person left to take her ... The Ex ... seriously I think he has missed almost all of her games.


Alrighty it is bed time for me ... been slacking on the quotes with my posts ... makes me a bit sad.

When I do have this sweet little girl I will for sure update here as soon as I can. :) If I can't there is always Mini-me to do it for me.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~Russel Baker

Pre Labor?

It is currently 11:17pm on July 4th.
It looks like this will be night number 2 of no sleep due to braxton hicks (contractions)

Last night around this time I headed to bed and was excited to sleep. HA!! I quickly passed out but it did not last long. I am guessing maybe 15 minutes or so. I felt a contraction and ignored it. Three of four later I decided to roll over and see if that helped. It didn't help. I tried to ignore them and rest between them but they were hurting.

I was in that half asleep half awake stage ... I finally broke down and looked at my phone for the time. Man I was bummed when I saw that it was only 12:30. I honestly thought I had been laying there for at least 2 hours. I decided to start keeping track of how often I was having them. No real method just lay in bed and when I felt one start look at the time on the phone. My great method let me know I was having them about 3 minutes apart.

Stupid me got excited because they felt just like the contractions I have had with all of my other kids in the middle of the night and then I sleep through them and have the baby the next day.

I was home alone and decided that I should not be. I called Mini-me about 1:30am and asked her to come home. (she is house sitting for The Ex while he and the other kids are on the coast for the 4th) She came home and went to bed. I had been up and walking around the house to see if they contractions would go away (they didn't) but when she came home I went back to laying down. Around 3am I started dozing off. At 4am my friend who is going to be with me for labor texted to see how I was doing. At that point I was having less contractions but major and I mean major cramping. :(

I managed to sleep from 4-6am. Then again from 7-8am. Decided to get up and try church as the main contractions had stopped. I was still cramping. :( I've pretty much cramped for the day. Some of it painful and some not. Came into my room around 4pm today and laid down. I was exhausted from no sleep and was feeling like contractions were going to kick in again.

I woke up after 8pm. :-o Feeling like crap. Wanting to throw up and really crampy again. :( Choked down some crackers and an english muffin. Started feeling a little better. Mini-me and I walked the 15 minutes to the stadium around the corner to catch the fireworks. Had a few contractions on the way but nothing I couldn't walk through or talk through.

Now here I sit. :( Feeling like I did last night. Wanting to cry. I can't do this for days on end. I hate feeling nauseated. I hate the general feeling of ugh/crampiness in my entire belly. :( If it was contractions dude I am so ok with that but it is just this sick to my tummy feeling.

I am back to struggling with The Coach and him being at the birth. I continue to pray for God to show me what I am to do. I have so many emotions about this that it needs to be it's own post all together. If I don't have this baby tonight I am sure I will write about it tomorrow.

Even with a 4 hour nap and it sounding like I am in a war zone with all of the fireworks going off I am going to try to sleep more.

I am here :)

I am here :)
I am still pregnant
Been super busy with Turtle and Little Man ... between the two of them we have had softball and baseball games pretty much every day.
If I am not at a game I have been trying to get sewing time in.

Had an ultrasound last Wed. and the baby is in the 43% for how far along I am. I was measuring 33 weeks and I was 34 1/2 weeks along. Dilated to 1cm.

Had an appointment yesterday and lost another pound. :( Can't figure out why I have lost 2lbs. I measured at 33 weeks still (I was 35 1/2 weeks) Dr. didn't seem concerned. Dilated to 1cm maybe a little more and Dani's head is super low (possible the reason why I measure so small?)

Even though the Dr. isn't worried about me losing weight, my fundus height, or that she measures small I worry. :( I am not by any means a big person. The Coach is pretty thin but he is tall. We were both way over 8lbs at birth and my other babies were average sized.
I am trying not to worry. I know that whatever happens God has planned out and is in control.

I have not talked to The Coach. He has made no attempt to contact me. His mom and I spoke after the ultrasound (she went with me) and she agreed that he needs to pull his head out of his butt and that if she was in my shoes she would not be chasing him around. It saddens me that he is missing out on all of this. I know that he thinks he will just step in when she is born and tell me how he is going to be in her life and he will try to bully me around but that is not going to happen.

Off to play the Wii for a few minutes lol ... then off to Turtles softball game.

Labor Fears ...

First off thank you so much for the comments on my last post. :) I am doing alright ... I have moments like on Father's day when I passed The Coach and his girlfriend in her car and my heart hurts and I cry. Then I have other moments where I remind myself why I pulled away from the relationship and I move forward a little more.

Dr. appointment and ultrasound in the morning. I have not told The Coach about either appointment. I did however invite his mom to the ultrasound. :) She is beyond excited. Mini-me is coming also.

On to my real issue of the night. You would think after having 4 kids that I would be alright with the labor/birth thing. I had them all naturally ... yes that means no drugs ... feeling all the pain. Tonight however I am having a major panic moment.

The thought of labor pains is freaking me out. My labors tend to be very fast and intense. If my water breaks we are having a baby with in 20 minutes. No break between contractions. I have gone from 5cm to 10cm in ten minutes. My body does not mess around.

I have never had a birth without my mom or a husband being with me. Right at this moment I still don't have a "solid" person to be with me at the birth. What freaks me out even more is that I am not sure whomever I have with me will know me well enough to help me when I start to panic. I always have a small panic moment during birth ... My Mom and The Ex both knew this and I would tell them months ahead of birth how to handle me. They always did perfect. I don't have anyone to tell that to this time. :( Ok as I write this I know that I have God and this brings me comfort but I am sure He and you all will understand that sometimes just having a physical human next to you touching and comforting you is what we need.

As much as I am ready to have this baby I am all about her just you know coming out of me pain free like she has the 3 times in my dreams. LOL Kind of just falling into my arms ... *sigh* that would rock.

Seriously I long for a labor like Little Birds. Woke up in the morning with mild contractions. Walked around the house and took a shower. While in shower they got stronger. Decided that since my births go fast we should head to the hospital. Think we got there around 10am. Did the check in thing and got monitored. Contractions remained mild until around 6 that evening. Seriously I walked up and down the hallways playing an electronic Uno game. The only reason they kept me at the hospital was cause I was dilating and the monitor showed huge contractions (I just didn't feel them). Was checked and had made it to 7cm. They broke my water ... I panicked asked for drugs LOL Ex told me I would say that and reminded me that I had about 15 minutes and I would be holding Little Bird. Sure enough ... urge to push was upon me and I let my body do it's thing.

Can I just have that again?

Please don't suggest an epidural or any other drugs. Just not me. The thought of something in my back and not being able to feel my legs or move about freely freaks me out more than the pain of labor. I have some control issues in case you didn't know lol. I feel more in control with out the drugs than I would on them.

Whoo ... alrighty got that all out. Need to go meditate or sew or something to help me relax.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1833

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Follow Up ... The Coach

As I said Tuesday I would be back to finish what I started. So here I am and hopefully I can write it out clearly. Ignore typos I am to lazy to fix anything tonight.

Let's go back to Monday. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and the caller ID showed that The Coach was calling me. We haven't talked for I think it is about 6 weeks or so now. I am honestly to lazy to go back and look it up. Anyways ... I wasn't sure if I should answer the call or how to answer the call. I decided to answer the phone and act like we had never had any problems. So you know fake cheerful.

The first thing he asked was how was I doing. I said well I am pregnant with a little giggle. Then told him that I am uncomfortable and don't sleep much so I am tired. He then asked if we could get together sometime this week for lunch so that we could talk. I honestly was not able to speak for a moment. When I finally said something I told him that I had finals and it was a busy week and that I could only meet Tues. or Wed. He said ok then started asking how I really was and how the baby was doing. He was being very nice.

Long story short he actually agreed to meet Tuesday and we agreed on a time and place. Hung up the phone and wasn't sure if I wanted to vomit from the anxiety I held in during the conversation and the thought of seeing him or if I wanted to cry. I was with Mini-me and told her what we talked about. She had a few things to say about why he called ... not very nice things. Which I totally understand .... he has been a jerk. I told her we needed to think positive and maybe just maybe he had changed. Maybe God had been working on him as he had been working on me.

Tuesday was just a yuck day all together. I don't talk about work much because my blog is not private. Not that I share it with anyone but you never know who will come across it. However work has not been very nice to me for a few months. Tuesday was not a good time. I had 20 minutes after I left work to let go of my issues there and go meet The Coach. I was so nervous about what he might have to say and meeting him that I didn't want any of my work issues to affect the way things went with him.

I get to our meeting place on time only to find that their is no parking and that every high school boy is currently there eating lunch. I text The Coach and let him know I can't find parking and that maybe we should meet somewhere else. I also asked if he was there yet. No response so I found a parking spot in another parking lot all together. I called him ... no answer. I thought maybe he left his phone in his car and that he was inside waiting. So I drove around again, found a parking spot and went in. He wasn't there. I called him again and left a message asking if I had the right day, time and location.

Thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet he texts me and says he is sorry. That he was in a meeting and couldn't answer his phone. Then asks if I still have time to meet. I was still sitting in my car waiting. I texted back and said yes but told him I didn't want to eat where we agreed upon. We decided to go somewhere else and meet there. Another 20 minutes later he finally shows up.

Seriously I honestly believe the only reason I was so patient was because I have God in my heart. We got our food and I couldn't eat. I had been contracting for most of the morning and felt sick but didn't tell anyone. I also was just freakin crazy insane nervous about what he was going to say.

He started off with how sorry he was for not having any contact with me and not going to any Dr. appointments. He said he was sorry if it hurt me but after doing some thinking he felt it was better if we didn't have contact. He felt that the fighting we did and the fact that we couldn't get along was not healthy for me or the baby. It was better if he just wasn't around. He went on about how he wants to work out a parenting plan and that as the mother of his child he will always treat me with respect. He went on about other things that I have heard before but have never seen happen.

I couldn't look him straight in the eyes. We did when we first sat down and it was one of those intense moments. Where you could still feel the love and longing to be with the other person. We both had to look away. Even when he was done talking and I asked if I could say a few things I couldn't look at him.

I told him that he had hurt me by not calling, going to appointments or by checking to see if we were ok. BUT that I got over it and I forgive him, I told him that honestly I felt like God told me I wasn't supposed to contact him. I shared with him that I was back at church and that I was so very happy. That I was doing exactly what I wanted (God wise). I could feel that he was uncomfortable. :( I know at one point in his life he love God and lived a totally different life than he does now. I think he was uncomfortable because he has shared he wants that life back but for whatever reason he just won't go and do it.

It was so very hard to say those things to him. I started to cry. I held it in ... along with all of the other things I wanted to say. Like how much I love him. How much I miss him. How sad I am that things are not different between us.

What I did say was that I needed time to process the things he told me. I asked him what he wanted from this point forward and he said he wants to be at all of the appointments from now on. I asked about the labor/birth and he told me he will be there.

We left shortly after that because of course he had to be somewhere. It killed me when I watched him walk to a car that was not his. A car that I am 99% sure belongs to a new girlfriend.
On a side note ... as I was out at the college last night for my last class. Guess what car I see ... yep that one. His older son was getting out of it. In fact the woman driving it stopped so I could cross the road in front of her and she let his son out there. Ugh I wanted to puke :(

So I have an Dr. appointment tomorrow (Friday). The Coach knows this but does not know what time. He wants to go to it with me. I told him I needed to process everything. I really don't know what to do.

I have spent so much time in prayer over this. I love this man. It hurts me so bad to be around him and know that he is with someone else. So to protect myself from being hurt anymore it is easy for me to say I don't want him around for appointments or for the labor/birth. I honestly don't want to hurt anymore. So I just want to avoid. :(

I know that I can not avoid. I have asked God if I am to continue being still and not say anything to The Coach. I have asked if I am to call and tell him I am just not ready for him to be around. I have asked God if I am supposed to agree to letting The Coach come with me to appointments.
I know that God has a plan in all of this ... I am just having a hard time with it.

In my head I feel like if I be still that is not what God wants me to do. If I tell The Coach that I am not ready for him to be around then I feel like I am not letting God work in me (on my hurts/fears) or letting God work on The Coach. I keep thinking that maybe if The Coach sees my changes he will change also (God's plan). Then I come to the I agree he can come along and be there for it all and I panic. I can feel all the hurt and pain rising up in me and I lose my faith and trust that God will be there to hold me up through it all. UGH I hope someone can understand this ... or that someday I can read this and understand it.

This is so hard to explain ... After all of my praying I am not 100% sure on what I am to do. Today when I came home I sat down at my kitchen table. My Bible was there as was the Bible study book I have been working in. I am doing a study on Esther with the ladies group. Each week we fill in some notes from the video we watch. This week it said .... "Esther faced the fear"
It also said ... "She (Esther) had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" This may not mean a darn thing to any of my readers (If you've made it this far) but to me I am pretty sure it was God telling me "Shannon stop letting the fear/hurt take control. I am going to be here with you. You are to call him and tell him the time of the appointment. I Am (God) and will work the rest out. In you. In The Coach."

Even after that I still haven't called him. :( I am letting the fear control me. BLAH!!!!! It is almost 10 ... If I am going to make the call and tell him the time of the appointment I need to do it soon. :(

By the time anyone reads this post ... that's if anyone gets this far ... I will have either called him already or gone to my avoidance corner. Either way I could still use prayer. If you are the type to pray :) If not kind words are always welcome.

I never imagined this would be my life ... crazy how taking certain paths in life that look so awesome at the start can change so much as you walk it. Sometimes the path gets even better. Sometimes the path is like walking through fire.

This is me rambling to avoid ... Done avoiding. Going to call. Then I am sure cry my eyes and heart out to God.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

19 years ago ...

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.


Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.


Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown