Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What Street are You on?

Autobiography in Five Short

By Portia Nelson


I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.


I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Monday, May 25, 2009

Dear Select Friend,

I've been wanting to write this since Saturday night after I left you down at the bar. I really didn't want to leave when I did but I was on the verge of crying and The Boy was waiting for me in the parking lot and The Jeans was waiting for me to call him back. I wanted to stay and talk to you more. We had just started a good conversation and I wanted to continue it. Although I think all of our conversations are good but this one I could tell would have been even better than normal.

I also didn't want to leave because I wanted to tell you just how much you mean to me. I couldn't find the right words and I am not sure I will be able to now. You came into my life when I was newly single and pretty wild. You have watched me go through a divorce, lose my dad, changing jobs several times, issues with several boys and The Jeans that I can't shut up about and many other things. I really honestly can not tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the last few years. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I believe that we were meant to be friends (that sounds so corny)

Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent into, the many glasses of beer you have bought me, for teaching me how to play pool, advice on pretty much everything, comments on how great my ass is ;-) or just how pretty I am (I need those reminders), for fixing my computer(s) countless times, and for letting me just be me. I don't think I have ever really thanked you for any of these things. I wish I could do more than just write this silly letter on my blog for you.

I could probably write so much more here but I think I will stop and just tell you that I love you to pieces and I am so very glad that you are my friend.


A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Budget Cuts + Me = No Job

I was officially told today that I will no longer have a job after June 5th. I have been sent home for the day so that I can deal with my emotions. My position will be going to a coworker that has been there a few days longer than me. They were going to tell her what was going on after I left for the day. Is it wrong of me to hope that she doesn't want the position and that I will be asked back?

I am so majorly bummed right now. Crying very hard as I try to type this out. I have never loved a job as much as I love this one. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but right now I am trying to figure out why in the heck is everything being taken from me and where in the heck is this all taking me. I am not sure I can do much more of this. I am tired of taking a step forward and feeling like I am being shoved back twenty.

There is a chance that I can be recalled or asked to work in another position at a different school but I am not sure how that all works. All the Principal could do was keep telling me how sorry he was. After I left the Vice Principal called me and apologized. They both offered to give me outstanding recommendations for any other job.

Keeping to my word and positive attitude ... In the middle of him explaining that I will be laid off I tell him "That's ok I am going to Hawaii" He had to laugh as did I.

So I am now looking for a way to either save my house or sell it and find a place to live and I am also looking for a new job. Can't sell my house and move with out a job. Can't stay here cause they are taking it from me. :( Ugh ugh ugh ...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sunday, May 17, 2009

She's Crafty! (Again)

Have I mentioned how much I love to sew? I love when I make something new and it turns out better than I imagined or when I finish a project that I set aside because life distracted me. Last weekend and today I made some time sew. I feel so calm right now. Sewing and creating brings me so much joy and peace to my heart.

Of course I have to share pictures :) The newest project that I made was a crayon roll for two of my coworkers little girls. :) They came out so stinking cute ... I had another coworker ask if I would make some for her nieces.

Cute Cows

Cute Kitties

Today I finished up the quilt I started for my mom back in November. It was supposed to be her Christmas present but I ran out of time and then I set it aside because I was frustrated with not having enough fabric for the border. She will be here in 19 days and I plan on surprising her with it by having it on the bed that she will be sleeping in. I am so excited!! The reason I went with a Red, Blue and Cream theme is her birthday is on the 4th of July.

Quilt for Mom

Two more quilts to finish and I will be a very happy camper. I also have a few tote bags that I started and never finished that have been calling my name from the fabric closet. It will be a nice summer sewing.

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Arthur Buddhold

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Positive thinking is where I am going

I did not get called back to do a 2nd interview with the University. I admit to being bummed about this but I can not let it take control of my emotions today. I will not over think what I could have done better in the interview.

I will move on knowing that as of right now I have a job that I love.
That I will probably have that job again in September and still love it.
I will and am focusing on finding a job for the summer.

And my new way of totally thinking about things when I am feeling bummed or frustrated ....


I will get through all of this ... I always do.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Never enough time ...

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear

Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Her last dance

It is just amazing to me how fast time is flying. Four years ago when Mini-me entered her Freshman year of high school I thought had plenty of time before she grew up on me. As I took these pictures tonight I wanted to cry. Prom ... the last big dance of the year. Technically the last big thing before she graduates. Four weeks from today she will be 18. Five short days later she will walk across the stage and accept the diploma she has worked so hard for.
A week ago she came into my room crying and crawled into bed with me and said "I am not ready to be a grown up." I hugged her and told her it would be ok and she would be fine. Tonight I am not ready for her to be a grown up and I think I am needing a hug and someone to tell me that everything will be fine.

The girls before we left to meet with everyone else

Mini-Me and her Boyfriend

Six couples and the single guy

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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To go or not to go ...

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Confused about everything ...

I should be learning how to back my Durango into my driveway with a trailer on it but I got frustrated and gave up. It took me forever to learn how to back into my own driveway with just my car. I have no idea how I am going to learn this and not take out part of the house.

Speaking of the house I am at a loss. I spent a an hour talking to my mom today and at least another hour reading stuff online. My good mood that I was in has been drained from me and now I feel confused and scared (again). There has to be a way for me to save my home.

I applied for a job at the University this last week. Talked to a friend that works there in that department and asked him to see what my chances are. He wasn't super hopeful as he thinks the job was earmarked and they just had to go through the normal channels of hiring. It doesn't pay much more than what I am making now but it is 6 hours more a week and the benefits are great. Plus when you work at the college you get discounted tuition ... something I would love to have. Crossing my fingers it works out but not holding my breath. ;)

I met a boy. I say boy cause he is 10 years younger than me. I actually met him back in December through a friend. We have gone out in groups a few times but this last time in March he started texting me daily. He was actually the person that took me to the hospital on Easter.
So Boy and I have been hanging out daily. Movie watching and cuddling has happened and it was nice.

No idea what the heck is going on between The Jeans and I. Last Friday he called like normal but I admit to telling him I would call back and then not doing so. He called last Sunday and talked to me for over an hour and we both shared our struggles that were bringing us down. However last night midnight came and went and he did not call. I called him at 5am when I couldn't sleep and the conversation felt weird and strained. At the end of the conversation he told me that he had a friend riding along with him so that may be one of the reasons the conversation felt weird. I don't know anymore. For over 2 years I have wanted nothing more than to be with this man. I still want that but I don't want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind on what he wants in his life. Not just with me but everything he wants to do.

Bringing me back to Boy. So Boy has told me he likes me. Enjoys spending time with me and that we can talk honestly. Which we really do ... He knows all about The Jeans and my feelings for him. He is not bothered by the fact that I am juggling school, work and 4 kids. He encouraged me to keep going a few weeks ago when I came home from class in tears and feeling frustrated. Not just about the class but the house stuff.

I enjoy spending time with Boy and I admit that I like him but how do I know I like him for the right reasons? Do I really like him? Am I just feeling lonely and liking the attention he gives me? The age thing is not even a factor to me by the way. Both of my step parents are 10-11 years younger than my parents.

Yesterday he did something that left me almost speechless. My work had a Friday at Four to say goodbye to one of the teachers. I invited Boy to come along with me. We had a great time until we were on our way home. Boy was joking around and made a few teasing comments that hurt my feelings. My body language was very obvious that I was upset with him. When we got back to my house he needed to leave right away because it was raining and he had his motorcycle. He wanted to give me a hug goodbye and I walked away. He asked if I wanted him to come back and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was going to go for a walk in the rain as it felt good. About 10 minutes into my walk he called me and said to me that he was sorry for the way he was treating me and that he didn't mean to take it that far. He had wanted to leave the restaurant we were at earlier because it was starting to rain and didn't want to ride his bike home in the rain. He said that he didn't want to ask me to leave because I was having a nice time and enjoying myself and he knew that I needed that. He said he was sorry again and I told him that all he had to say was he wanted to leave and we could have worked out something. Like he could have taken my car and come back and gotten me in his car. He was surprised that I would have been willing to work out a solution. Basically what I am trying to say is this Boy apologized and we talked about it and it was nice. I can't remember the last time any "boy/man" has taken the time to apologize and talk to me like that. I am not sure I am even explaining it in a way that anyone reading this would understand.

Boy has now shown up to my house and I need to go to the store to get stuff for dinner. Full house tonight with 10 of us. Guess that means my writing time is over.