Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

I went to church

I went to Church this morning.
By myself.
Left the kids at home.
Had a panic attack on the way there.
Cried most of the time I was in Church.
I went to the Church The Coach took me to.
I didn't know anyone.
I felt 100% alone.
No one said a word to me.
Until the end of service and a woman tried to introduce herself and I couldn't talk cause I was crying.
She offered to pray for me.
I couldn't tell her what to pray for.
I literally couldn't get words out.
I stood there like and idiot hoping God would just lay it on her heart to know what to pray for.
I wanted so badly for someone to just grab me and hug me.
I prayed that someone anyone would feel my pain and see my struggle and just hold me.
Tell me that God really does have my back right now and that everything will be ok.

Been sitting here since I got home.
Started a letter to The Coach.
Trying to have Faith.
Struggling.
Crying.
Hurting.

Praying.

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown

A quote for Sunday ... Edited Part 1

Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. ~Joseph Addison

At one point when I was married to My Ex I hated Sundays. He was in a line of work that required him to work swing and graveyard shifts. I dreaded Sundays and his ugliness. He was very cranky with all of us. You could often find him on the couch half asleep with a beer in his hand and sports on the TV. If we made to much noise or tried to change the channel once we thought he was asleep he would yell at us. I always felt so stressed on Sundays. I would often cry. At times I had a longing to go to Church but he would never go with me and I was terrified to go alone with the kids.

When I was a stay at home mom and married to him I was so very alone. Everything in my life revolved around the Ex and the kids. I did not have any friends. I was very insecure with myself. Some of those insecurities I brought into our relationship and others that he created in me. I was not good enough in many areas. No matter how I tried I was never good enough. I was lazy. I needed to workout. I needed to clean house better. Keep the kids quiet. The list goes on and on.

In March of 2003 when I found out that the Ex had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant I realized that I needed to make changes. I told him that the only way to save our marriage (as that is what he wanted) was to go to Church with me. He agreed and Sundays became my safe place. I put my life in Gods hands and thought that things were going to work out. I was so involved at Church that I was asked to speak at a Mother's Day event about forgiveness. I felt God was showing me that my marriage was going to last forever. That someday my ex would love God the way I have in my life. I thought I was to be some guiding light to leading his parents to Church with us.

Somewhere between the end of 2005 and February of 2006 we started fighting more. We stopped going to Church. His drinking was out of control. I started drinking with him and I was finally introduced to his coworkers and made friends. I am 99% sure he was having an affair with a coworker during this time. Just before our family vacation in March of 2006 we agreed that we would split up. We told no one. We decided that upon returning from our 2 week long vacation he would move out.

The night before he moved out he went out with a very good friend of ours. He did not come home until the next day. Neither of them would answer my calls or text messages. With in a few weeks he had moved in with the girl he met that night. I of course did not find out about her for 2 months. Almost a year to the day after we split up our divorce was final.

In the middle of my separation/divorce my Dad died in a car accident. I was so pissed at God for taking my world and tossing it around like it was nothing. I felt like all of the promises that He had shown me were lies. I couldn't imagine why God would do this to me. I once again hated Sundays but for different reasons this time.

To be continued ....