Loves & Struggles ...

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

The wait has begun

I signed all the paperwork today to do a short sale on the house. I signed some in the office this morning when I went to the meeting with the company that wants to purchase the house. Then they brought a realtor over for me to sign all of that paperwork.
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*

The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.

Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.

So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.

I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.

As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.

All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)

I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)

OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

I'm back and here to stay

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

She's Crafty! (Again)

Have I mentioned how much I love to sew? I love when I make something new and it turns out better than I imagined or when I finish a project that I set aside because life distracted me. Last weekend and today I made some time sew. I feel so calm right now. Sewing and creating brings me so much joy and peace to my heart.

Of course I have to share pictures :) The newest project that I made was a crayon roll for two of my coworkers little girls. :) They came out so stinking cute ... I had another coworker ask if I would make some for her nieces.

Cute Cows

Cute Kitties

Today I finished up the quilt I started for my mom back in November. It was supposed to be her Christmas present but I ran out of time and then I set it aside because I was frustrated with not having enough fabric for the border. She will be here in 19 days and I plan on surprising her with it by having it on the bed that she will be sleeping in. I am so excited!! The reason I went with a Red, Blue and Cream theme is her birthday is on the 4th of July.

Quilt for Mom

Two more quilts to finish and I will be a very happy camper. I also have a few tote bags that I started and never finished that have been calling my name from the fabric closet. It will be a nice summer sewing.

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Arthur Buddhold

To go or not to go ...

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg

Beautiful Days that turn to Shit ...

I should have known that my day at work was way to good to be true. I should have known that it meant that something would come along and Fuck up my day.

The mailman sucks for bringing shitty mail to my house. My ex sucks for not paying me the full amount of child support each month. Hell he fucking sucks cause he doesn't work, lives rent free with his girlfriend and goes to school full time. I would also like to add that my Mortgage company sucks. They are so not helpful with anything. The Congressman I wrote a letter to a few months ago also sucks. Really even just an acknowledgement that you received my letter would be nice. I am pretty sure I voted for your ass. Sucky people that in some way made my beautiful day turn into shit.

I am sure I will want to retract this post later and I may or may not do it. I am so Fucking pissed right now. I have been crying for an hour. The really hard crying where you cant breath and when someone tries to say something to you the tears fall even harder. This is my blog and I dont fucking care what anyone thinks of me right at this moment. I just need to vent and this is my only place to do it.

I got the notice today that my house is officially in Foreclosure. Writing that sentence makes the flood gates open up again. I have until August to figure out what the hell to do.

Really?? I work full time, raise 4 kids (pretty much alone), and go to school. I am not a druggie or an alcoholic. Fuck I gave up smoking cigarettes to live healthier. I am a good citizen. I had a great job. The ex had a great job. It all went to shit and now I am losing my home. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I have been dealing with the mortgage company for months and can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I have called the Hope Now hotline and got the run around there also. I wrote a letter to my Congressman that went unanswered. *sigh* This new wonderful Making Home Affordable Stimulus Plan that our President has designed is looking like it won't even help me.


I just want to type like every bad word I can think of right now to get out my frustration. I want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day and into the night. I want my Dad to come and fix everything like he used to. I want my Mom to fly here and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead I will wash my face and walk out the door and go to class for the night. I will pretend nothing is wrong tomorrow at work and just tell everyone my puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep are allergies.


Fucking grr .... So I guess the dream I had Friday night where I met the President at the White House and he told me that my house would be mine and everything would work out really was just a dream. *sigh*

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

My 16 Week Challenge

After looking at the calendar the other day I realized that in about 15-16 weeks Mini-Me will be turning 18 and a few days later Graduating from High School. This means that my mom will be flying in for a visit. First the joy of getting to see my mom kicked in and then panic as my house is huge mess.

I have lived in Oregon for just shy of 14 years. My mom came to visit when I gave birth to Turtle ... who is now Eleven and a half. She then came a few months later for my wedding ... I did things backwards. ;) Both of those visits were before we had moved into our home. We have been in our house for 10 years this April and she has never seen it. With this being her first visit to my home I am sure as heck not going to let her see it in its current chaotic mess.

For the most part I keep my house clean. Minus Little Mans room ... his room constantly looks like a bomb went off in it. My goal is to get organized and keep it that way. At one point in my marriage my ex left the kids and I for 4 months. During that time my house was spotless ... of course I was a stay at home mom and I had more time. I managed to keep the house "magazine pretty" as I call it until we separated and I had to go get a job. I got lost in the divorce, losing my dad, working and trying to be a single mom all at once. My house went to pieces and I am constantly trying to play catch up.

No more excuses for me!! I know that there are plenty of single working moms that keep their places organized and clean. I have already started with my plan.

Friday since I did not go to work I cleaned out Turtles closet area and one of her drawers. Then I tackled the front hall closet and tossed out sweatshirts and jackets no one wears. Four bags later I was making a trip to Goodwill. I also made a trip to the dump yesterday and got rid of the garbage in the trailer.

Besides doing the normal laundry and after dinner kitchen clean up each day I am hoping to spend 15-30 minutes a night cleaning out an area of the house. Bags will be marked and ready to go to Goodwill and the trailer to go to the dump. Saturday mornings a quick run to Goodwill to get rid of stuff instead of shoving it out in the garage.

I am also trying to make some changes in my spending. I don't have a lot of money as it is and I feel as though I have really cut out anything we don't need but I am thinking that I could do just a little better. :)

Today I actually made a Menu for the entire week. I then made a grocery list of just the items we needed and I went to the store. I spent $88 on food for the week for a family of 5. I am thinking that is pretty good.

I am thinking that tomorrow evening once I have done my "chores" I will sit down and make a pretty spread sheet to show my accomplishments. I will probably blog about it also as there is something about putting it down in writing (typing in this case) that will make me want to be more motivated.

I am thinking Sundays will be my update day as that is when I do my grocery shopping and such. So off I go into my first week of my 16 week challenge. :)

I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.... I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby. ~Nancie J. Carmody

How do I let go? .... Part 2

So I am sitting here going back and forth with myself about how to deal with the Mr. Bend. I had a great talk with my mom today about it. She told me to just not say anything to him at all and keep the trailer until he contacted me for it. I explained that I do not want him to have any reason to contact me. That I just wanted to move forward. She agreed that I was right. Then she tells me that really he left the trailer here and has not responded to my phone calls or text messages so I technically own it now. I love my mom. I really could argue that possession is 9/10ths of the law but I am not sure I want to go there right now.

I tried starting an email to him a few minutes ago but I can't seem to get out what I am feeling inside. I am not worried about him trying to work his way back into my life. I am not worried about me letting him back in. I am way to smart and strong to let him back into my life. ;) No matter how lonely I am feeling. Really my fear is about this stupid trailer and my garbage. If I give him the trailer back I will not have any way to take my garbage to the dump. I can't afford garbage service at all ... in fact I owe them money. :( Since I own my house I can't just leave the garbage on the side of the house until I find another solution or the City will fine me up to $2000 ... I've already gotten a warning in the last year for this. *sigh*

I am sitting here laughing at myself ... it is a trailer and I can't let it go. I am so fearful of what may happen if I let it go that I am letting that control me. What I should be doing is having some Faith that God will provide me with the means to take care of the garbage.

Grr .... somedays I feel like I have not grown at all in the letting go department and other days I feel like I am the Queen. And I am not just talking about the letting go of men ... I am talking about letting go of anything in my life.

Off to write an email ....

*update*

I wrote and sent the email 15 minutes ago. I was tempted to text him to check his email but decided not to. I assume he checks his email daily and he will read it sooner or later.

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~Author Unknown

Thankful for Mom

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I am thinking that if my Mom ever finds out about this blog she may fly up here and spank my adult butt for posting this picture of her. Oh I feel like that rebellious teenager all over again. Hee hee

Tonight is my "Thankful for Mom" blog. It's not Thanksgiving, Mother's Day or heck even Grandparents day but I wanted to acknowledge how Thankful I am for my mom. Maybe I will share this with her someday minus the blog part and picture. ;)

My mom lives like a gazillion miles away. Ok so it is not that far ... She is in Texas and I am in Oregon. It just feels like it is that far because we very rarely see each other. I've never been to Texas and she has never seen my home here (I've been in my house 10 years). It feels even farther away when I feel so alone here. Since my dad died I don't talk much to my Step-mom or sisters (that's another post).

Mom and I have our ups and downs. It has taken 18 years (since I had my daughter) for my mom and I to grow into the relationship we have. My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old. My brother and I would live one week at Moms and then one at Dads. I did this until I was 14 and that is when I told my mom I hated her and moved into dads. :( I was a spoiled brat and mean to my mom.

I have come to realize over the last few years just how hard it was for my mom (and dad) to be a single parent. My mom did a great job at not talking trash about my dad (which at times I am sure he deserved lol). She was and is a Soldier mom ... this is what she describes as the mom that keeps on going and does not give in to her kids or give up because life is pooping on you. I love when I call her to vent about one of my kids doing something that is driving me bonkers and she says "Be a Soldier Mom" or I hear a giggle and then I know she is going to say "Well Shannon, you know that sounds a lot like you when you were that age." I always deny that I was anything like my kids. ;)

Man oh man ... 10 years of soccer practices/games, homework that she would fight with me to do, slumber parties, countless nights staying up late or all night to take care of me cause I was sick (and I was sick a lot), letting me go live at my dads even though it must have killed her, dealing with a pregnant teenage daughter (while she was pregnant also ... I will explain) .... my list could go on and on. I may not have ever admitted it then but my mom was great. She was my Superhero.

I've been talking to my mom a lot this last week. I am dealing with a lot more than I have even begun to share here. After one of our conversations she said to me "Shannon you are my Superhero." Ok I cried when she said and I am crying now. That one comment from my mom meant so much to me. Sometimes as daughters I think that we feel like we can never live up to what our moms want us to be. At least that is how I have felt and I know that Mini-me has felt that way cause we have talked about it. By her telling me that I realized that I am doing just fine. Even when I feel like I am failing daily she is proud of me.

I was 15 before I stopped wanting my parents to get back together. Looking back now I am glad my mom was a single one and that she raised me the way she did. I am glad that she let me leave to live with my dad (again I know it killed her). She taught me so much more than I think she will ever know about being a single parent, dating, and just life in general. I am not sure I would be surviving single mom life if it was not for the great example my mom showed me.

I am so very Thankful for my mom :) I can only hope someday my kids can look back and see me the way I see my mom ... A Superhero!!