Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dear Readers,

I honestly have no idea who reads my blog but I want to know. Tonight when I got home there was a comment left that brought me to tears but the person did not say who they were or leave a link to themselves.
I want to thank you all that have left comments for me. I don't always respond back to you. I am not always sure what to say. I am often in a huge rush just to get a post out that I don't have time with my crazy life to respond to the comments.
I read them and each and every one of them makes me feel a little better inside.
I don't know any of you but I can feel that you all care and that means so much to me. Especially now when I am so depressed.

Please don't feel you have to post anonymously. I want to know who you are.

Really this is my thank you to all of you that have left comments. Encouraging me. Letting me know you care. It is keeping me going.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward
(I just did :) S~)


I want the faith that this woman had. How nice it would be to be free of the thoughts in my head that have plagued me for years.

Luke 8:40-55

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman
40Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. 41Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house 42because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,]">[a] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."

46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."

47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

49While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher any more."

50Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."

51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."

53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

On a fun note

After sitting in my bed writing for several hours today I got a kick in the gut email but it was just what I needed. It hurt to read the words in it but that's cause they were true. Will write more about that later. So I pulled my head out of my little black rain cloud that seems to follow me these days and I am going to blog about something fun.
After we arrived in Ca. on Sunday and got settled in we decided that since a 2 day pass to Disneyland was the same as a one day that we would head on over to the park. :) My brother and his wife have annual passes so they went with us.
We only spent a few hours in the park but it was so nice to have just 4 of us and not the normal 20+ family members. I love my family but Disneyland with 20+ people at one time is chaotic.

When we arrived at the park all of us girls had to use the bathroom (especially me). So being the smart girl that I am I hand my camera off to my brother and jokingly say to him ... "Feel free to take some pictures of yourself"I should know better than to say things like that to him. A few hours later as I was going through the camera I found these ...

He looks so innocent ... Then I see these

The nose picking one was brought about from a conversation we had on the way to the park about this guy who digging away while he was driving. I was so grossed out. I made a comment about please tell me about your poop all day long before you pick your nose or vomit in front of me. Those two things gross me out. So now I have my brothers boogers on my camera I am sure. LOL

We went old school and went straight to watch Michael Jackson in Captain EO. I totally forgot just how cheesy that thing was but man when I was 12 I thought it was so cool. It was pretty awesome to get to watch it with Mini-me though.

We are so cool in 3D glasses :)

We hit Autopia next and enjoyed our little mini cars and bouncing all around the track. :) Took a moment to take pictures with the Matterhorn in the background.

Had a little fun in Buzz Lightyears Astro Blasters, The Haunted Mansion and Pirate's. Then headed home. Well alright we didn't go straight home. We don't go to Ca. just for family and Disneyland. We eat In & Out Burgers everyday ... so we made a quick stop at one on the way back to the house. :) Seriously the best burgers and chocolate shakes.

I need to get to sleep :( Something about Spring Break being over and work and school resuming tomorrow. *sigh* Back to the real world of ....

I will post more on our fun adventure this week. :) Mini-Me and I did something we would not normally do and it resulted in a lot smiles from others, some blushing, and some awesome memories.

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

I went to church

I went to Church this morning.
By myself.
Left the kids at home.
Had a panic attack on the way there.
Cried most of the time I was in Church.
I went to the Church The Coach took me to.
I didn't know anyone.
I felt 100% alone.
No one said a word to me.
Until the end of service and a woman tried to introduce herself and I couldn't talk cause I was crying.
She offered to pray for me.
I couldn't tell her what to pray for.
I literally couldn't get words out.
I stood there like and idiot hoping God would just lay it on her heart to know what to pray for.
I wanted so badly for someone to just grab me and hug me.
I prayed that someone anyone would feel my pain and see my struggle and just hold me.
Tell me that God really does have my back right now and that everything will be ok.

Been sitting here since I got home.
Started a letter to The Coach.
Trying to have Faith.


Friday, March 26, 2010

Dear Bill Collectors

This is a letter to the bill collectors that would like me to send them the money that I owe them.

If I had money to send to you trust me I would send it. There is nothing more annoying than 10 phone calls in a row from the same number. I won't answer your calls because when I do you argue with me and you just don't get it that I have no money. Also if you can't have a "live" person call me or leave me a message I really don't care to answer my phone. Listening to a computer tell me I need to call you back so that we can argue is going to get you no where.

I hate that my life has gone this direction and that I can not pay my past debts. If there was a way for me to pay for those things you bet your happy butt I would. Not only so you would all leave me alone but so that I could say I took care of my debts cus it's the right thing to do. I honestly hate debt and can't stand suffocating feeling it brings with it.

As for you calling my ex in-laws, my brother and his wife and really even my step mothers parents who I have talked to like 4 times in the 20+ years I have known them I seriously think that needs to stop. If you have the time to research all of those people and that I "may" be related to them in some way and they might have information about me then you should of been researching that I am losing my home due to not being able to make the payments on it and you would have researched just what I do for a living and realize "Hey she really doesn't make any money." Oh and let's not forget that I am a single mom to 4 kids and that my ex husband gives me very little in child support.

So bill collectors if I had enough money I would be paying my bills. Starting with my home loan payment so that my children and I would not be homeless. I would then work my way down and pay the rest of you off. You know if I had money ...

I would appreciate it if you stopped calling other people that have nothing to do with the money I owe you. They don't need to be harassed by you when they have done nothing wrong. However if you want to continue calling me feel free but realize I will not answer my phone and I still don't have money to give you.

Have a wonderful day collecting money from all of the other people on your list that I can only imagine are in the same boat as I am with the crappy economy we are in.



I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle, 1987

I am having an out of money experience. ~Author Unknown

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...

I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.

Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.

I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(

Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.

I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.

I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(

I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.

Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.

I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(

Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Can someone please help me find my faith?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Where I'm at ...

Friday night I took my kids to the movies. I was so depressed about things I left the theater and went into a bathroom stall and cried for 40 minutes. :(
After the movie I had to head home and finish up a baby quilt before the next morning for a friends shower. Sewing is one of the few things that is healing to me. Of course I can't have things be easy half way through quilting the the pieces together I ran out of thread. At 11:30 at night there are not any stores open to get more thread. :( Finally head to bed around 1am only to get up 7 to ask Mini-me to go get the thread needed while I got ready for the shower. The baby quilt got finished but we were 30 minutes late to the shower. My wonderful friend texted me after the shower and said that by far the quilt I made for the baby is the best gift that she got. :) Made me feel great ...
I would be the shorter one in blue. Funny she is having a boy and wore pink and I am having a girl and wore blue.

So while I was finishing the quilt I got the great idea that I needed to leave on a road trip. My younger 3 kids always go to Cousin Camp during spring break so I don't have them until mid week. I asked Mini-me if she wanted to take a trip with me. Being the kick butt daughter that she is and knowing how depressed I have been she agreed. A few phone calls later and a baby shower down we ran home packed a suitcase in less than an hour and were out the door. :)

Three hours to leave the wonderful state of Oregon :) California here we come ....

MMM Chocolate shakes :)

The best burgers in the entire world :)

Mini-me is not the best passenger in the world. She fell asleep shortly after eating our dinner. With 8 more hours ahead of us and me on little sleep it was a tough drive. I pulled over around 2am slept for an hour and felt great for well another hour and realized that I was imagining things on the road. Pulled over and slept another hour and heading back out around 5:30am. Arrived at our destination at 8:45 this morning.

We have showered. Eaten at another one of my favorite food places that I can only get when I am "home" in Cali. We are now off to my real happy spot. :) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!

So much thinking has been done ... now I just need to find time to write it out.

Thank you ladies for the support. :) it means so much to me.

"When you wish upon a star ...."

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's Gone ...

My faith, my belief, my trust in knowing, believing whatever is gone. Today I no longer believe there is a God. If there is He fucking hates me and has to be loving every minute of the pain that I am in.

I have also decided today that I will no longer give my heart out. I will no longer love anyone but my kids. I will remain single and love free from here on out. No longer will I be hurt. Lied to. Cheated on. Abused. Fucked over.

This is my very I don't giving a flying fuck what anyone else thinks post. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Tell me I am horrible I don't care. You can't possibly cause anymore pain to me than I am already in.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Prayer and my faith in God ...

My faith in God is dwindling today. I have been crying since yesterday afternoon or there about. I should be celebrating the scholarship that I was awarded and my decision to move forward with my business plans but my depression has come in and sucked me in so bad that I can't do anything.

I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.

I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(

I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.

I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.

I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.

Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.

Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying. ~Terri Guillemets

Monday, March 8, 2010

Letting go ... this crap is hard

I cried tonight ... Ok really I sobbed. My face is swollen from crying and I look lovely with my mascara and eye liner smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks. Letting go of things in your arms to embrace the new things that are coming at you is so very hard.

As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...

I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?

I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.

Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*

I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.

This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses

I am doing everything in my power to snap out of the depression that has sucked me into its black hole. Last night I emailed the rest of my family and informed them that I would be adding a new member to the family. I was honest in all of my emails about how I was feeling about things. It was very hard for me to be that open and honest about my feelings but I am glad that I was.

I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.

My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.

I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)

In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)

I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.

I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.

Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

Monday, March 1, 2010

Peace begins with a smile. ~Mother Teresa

The sun
Memories of my dad
The smell of my moms laundry
Getting an A on a tough test
Feeling my newest daughter move around inside of me
Knowing that God chose me to be her mommy

Just a short list of things that make me smile :)

If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. ~Author Unknown