Monday, March 30, 2009

Titles Suck ...


I miss you! You would have been another year older today. At midnight I would have called you and sung Happy Birthday. I would have called you several more times throughout the day and sung it again. I would have bought some silly birthday card from me and one from the kids that they would all sign. Of course it would have a few scratch off lottery tickets in it. You would have me scratch them off ... I have yet to figure out why you always made me do that. More than likely you would win a few bucks.

I am willing to bet we would have eaten at Tio Pepe's over the weekend. Not tonight cause I didn't have the kids and I started school but you probably would have stopped by today just to see me.

FUCK!!! I miss you something fierce. Sorry potty mouth. I often wonder if you can see me. Are you proud? I am not giving up!! I will keep on pushing through the crap in life. Do you see my floors. I can only give credit to you for teaching me how to do that kind of stuff.

I know you are around. I keep finding pennies. I try to pick them all up but sometimes I leave them cause I am in a hurry. I always feel bad when I leave them. Someday I will have to explain the penny story so other people don't think I am totally nuts. Well as you would tell me "You are nuts" Ha ha ha

Anyways ... Happy Birthday Dad!

Your Oldest Daughter

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever. ~Author Unknown

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Spring Break Comes To An End

As soon as I hit send on this post my Spring Break will be over and I will tuck myself into my bed. I had a very productive week and I am happy to say that I never felt like I was going to fall into a funk.

I started off my week by working on the hallway flooring. For the most part I am finished with them. I need a table saw to cut the boards length wise to finish off the last row against the wall. I am going to ask if I can use the saw in the Shop class at work. Can't see why they wouldn't let me.

Took most of Tuesday because I spent my entire night on the phone with the Jeans. We talked until 5 in the morning. I feel like those talks are so eye opening for both of us.

Wed. I finished up the hallway and cleared off the bookshelf at the end of it. Four medium sized boxes off to Goodwill. I love how the hall looks with the floors (almost) done and the bookshelf organized. Mini-me and I went out to dinner with each other and when we got home we tortured the cat. He likes to climb on the car the minute we pull in. If you put your hand to the window he runs to it and rubs himself all over trying to get to your hand to be pet. We are mean ... we sat there for 5 minutes teasing him. Had some beer in the fridge so I grabbed one and went to town on clearing out the crap in my room that I didn't need.

Hallway floors

Thursday I grabbed some left over paint that was out in the garage and painted my room for the first time in the 10 years that I have lived here. I got rid of the TV and stand that was at the end of my bed and the bookshelf of fabric/dolls. There is now just a bed and a desk. So much nicer than it was before. I did manage to break my bed in the process of moving it. I have owned it for just a little over a year and of course the warranty is expired. They wanted $100 to replace the rail that broke and they don't deliver it or put it on the bed. I said screw it and got creative. I had some wood in the garage so I made a box and used it to hold the rail up on the bed.

I have to admit I am a bit embarrassed to show what my room looked like before I tackled it but here I go anyways ....

Before (wall by the door)

After (wall by the door)

My room is no longer a freakish blue/green puke color. It is a wonderful tan and I love it. Still have some work to do on it. Like make curtains and put in the wood floor. The dolls are now homeless. I am going to end up selling most of them. A few will be kept as they were in a commercial the kids and I were in. (Yes I've been on TV nationwide and not for America's Most Wanted). The bookshelf is now in the closet in the living room and all of the fabric is folded nicely. I even had room to store my sewing machines (all 3 of them). If you look carefully you can see the box I made to hold the bed up. Damn I am crafty!!!

Friday before the kids came home I went and picked up my books for my classes. Totally freaking out as I start school tomorrow. Kids and I had a pretty chill night together. Nothing exciting.

Saturday I took them out to Monsters vs. Aliens. They said they all really liked it. I can't say I really liked it and I can't say I hated it. It had some funny moments. Mini-me was totally awesome and watched the kids so I could go have dinner with a friend. Which turned into a fun night with a few other people. I got home after 2 this morning.

Today we got creative and made a video to enter a contest on YouTube. Lowe's is having a Spring Dream Challenge. I could so use some new items to keep the outside of my house in nice condition. The kids and I had a ton of fun coming up with our entry and making it. I love when my kids get creative. I love it even more when something like this comes out of being creative. The bonding & laughing we did today was just awesome. I think I am going to upload all of the bloopers to my YouTube account. Of course all of you lucky readers get to see the video here first ....

Good-Bye Spring Break 2009 I have enjoyed my time with you. Thank you for the wonderful memories.

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr., Life's Little Instruction Book

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Writers Workshop: Memory Lane

I've been secretly following Mama's Losin It. Each Wed. she posts a blog for a Writer's Workshop. I have been wanting to join in but haven't really had the time. I waited patiently today for her to post the 5 choices for topics and have thought about them all day as I finished up the flooring in the hall and purged my room so I can paint it.

Anyways ... I am choosing to write about #4 .... You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

I have thought long and hard today about my childhood and if there was a day I would like to go back to. I have always said that I wouldn't want to go back in time and change anything in my life. I really try to look at my past and learn from everything. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today. I like me!

Now if I had a handy dandy De Lorian with a flux capacitor, you know like the one in Back to the Future. I would so go back and change a few things if I knew they would not affect the way things are now.

My first stop would so be the month or so leading up to my 8th grade graduation. The details are a little fuzzy but either I asked my mom to have someone make my graduation dress for me or she suggested it. Either way I have to admit I was not fully pleased with the outcome. I did ask for my dress to be peach. Hey it was the 80's and peach and mint green were like totally bitchen (at least to me). It is possible that I asked for that style of dress. Ok ok I did ask for that style but I thought it would come in some cool fabric. Not just plain cotton. I also thought it would be a little more fitted or something. I knew nothing about sewing or designing in 8th grade. I would so like to go back and get myself a bitchen dress. I know exactly what dress it would be. There was a white dress that was bubbled at the bottom and it had red polka dots on it. Think Cyndi Lauper meets Madonna 80's style. It was so rad. I wish my mom would have just gotten me that dress. Of course this post would not be complete without embarrassing pictures of me in said dress ...

8th Grade Graduation

Lovely tan lines ... Like gag me with a spoon.

The second stop I would make on my blast to the past voyage would be my Jr. year in High School. Homecoming dance with Chris D. I would so grab him and kiss him the way he deserved to be kissed ... well you know for being in High School. I met Chris the week I found out I was pregnant with Mini-me. I had been joking around for a few weeks to my friends that he would some day be my future husband. We met and found out that our birthdays were Oct. 13 & Oct. 14. He knew that I was pregnant at the time of our Birthday dates but it never phased him. At the age of 17 this sweet and caring boy wanted to take care of me and my daughter. Stupid stupid me turned him down. Not just one time but later when I was 19 I turned him down again. I think I would just go back and kiss him and tell him how freakin awesome and amazing he was.
Can I find a guy like that now please??

11th Grade Homecoming
I was 9 weeks pregnant here

My last stop would be my Sr. year in High School. I would love to go back and give myself a gigantic hug and tell myself that I am awesome and proud of myself. I had Mini-me at the end of my Jr. year of High School. I am not sure how I managed to pull it off but I graduated High School on time while being a teen mom and without support from her bio dad. I don't think that I give myself enough credit for all of the things I have gone through and overcome. (Note to self: You are awesome and so very strong. Give yourself more credit in the future) I would also tell my past self not to be so hard on myself about looks and body image. (I have struggled with an eating disorder since I had Mini-me) After I hugged my past self I would hug baby Mini-me and take in her baby smell one last time. Whisper an I love you into her ear and head back to the future.

Sr. Picture ... I was 17

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now. ~Author Unknown

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Review: Zenni Optical (Online Prescription Glasses)

So I thought I would change things up and do a review. Back in December I had my annual eye exam and quickly realized that both my contacts and glasses would need to be updated. Like most insurance companies out there mine will only cover one or the other. This was an easy choice for me as I wear my contacts daily and my glasses for a short few hours before bed time.

Skip forward to February when I was sent an e-mail with a link to Zenni Opitcal. Being a single mom with very limited funds and needing updated glasses I decided to check it out. Really prescription glasses starting at $8? I thought for sure there had to be a catch.

I spent over an hour looking through all of the information on the site. Spent another 30 minutes or so Googling reviews to see what type of experiences others had with them. All I could come up with was a few complaints regarding shipping time. Something I could easily overlook considering the prices for complete prescription glasses started at $8.

I admit I was a little nervous about ordering glasses from an online site. The fact that you can't try the frames on to see what you looked like was a scary thought to me. I mean who wants to order glasses, no matter how cheap and realize you look like a goof in them. I found two solutions to this problem. 1) Go to your nearest eye care place (Wal-Mart, Lens Crafters, Rainbow Optics) and try on glasses that you like. Then ask for the measurements of the frames. 2) Take a pair of glasses that you own\wear already and measure them.

There are full instructions on the site for what needs to be measured. After you have your measurements and an idea of what you are looking for you can have fun looking through all of the frames. After you find something you like and the measurements seem to be in the range you are looking for it's time to put in your prescription info.

You will need a current prescription for eye glasses. You can not use a prescription for contacts as they are not the same. If you are getting your eyes checked soon make sure you ask for the tech to do a Pupillary Distance (PD) measurement. If you've already had your eyes examined you can grab a friend, spouse, or a kid that knows how to measure and have them help with this part. It's a simple measurement to do even on someone like me with bouncy eyes (according to Mini-me my eyes bounce all over the place).

If the frames you have chosen have a color option don't forget to change that. Want some extras for your lenses? You can add AR Anti-Reflection Coating or Lens Tinting for an additional $4.95. Want some Clip On Polarized 80% Sunshades they are only $3.95.

So you need Bi Focals, Progressive, Photochromic or a higher index lens. No problem they can do it. Prices range from $17 to $37. If you need extra strength lenses like me it will automatically change that box for you when you put in your prescription. A whopping $9 add on.

If you need specialty glasses like the ones I just listed it can take up to 4 weeks from ordering to get your shipment. What's really cool about shipping is that you can order as many pairs of glasses as you want and the shipping cost is just $4.95. This is where you order glasses for everyone in the family that needs them and have them shipped for one low price.

On March 10th I finally chose the frames that I wanted and placed my order. My kids thought that the green frames looked pretty awesome and suggested that I get them. I really wanted the black but they came with orange on them and living in Duck Country I can't wear Beaver colors.

My vision is horrible and I needed the extra strength prescription. Bumping my order up to $28.00. I figured that when I do wear my glasses it is while I am on the computer and it coudln't hurt to spend the $4.95 on the AR Anti Reflective Coating. Add on the AR coating and my shipping my grand total was $37.90 for a cute and stylish pair of prescription glasses.

Now I thought for sure with the adding on of the AR coating and the extra strength lenses that my glasses would not make it to me for 3 weeks or so. I was very happy when on March 19th I received an e-mail from Zenni letting me know that my glasses were being shipped the next day.
My new glasses arrived yesterday via the Postal Services. Thirteen (oh my favorite number) days after placing my order my glasses were in my hands. They come with a hard plastic case and a cleaning cloth.

I can not tell you how happy with my glasses. The prescription is perfect as are the frames. The price and shipping time totally rocked this single moms world. I wore them out last night to meet a friend and I received a couple of compliments. I am considering ordering another pair just to have a back up. I love my contacts but there are times I like to wear my glasses. Having two to choose from would be cool.

I am also wanting to order another pair because the price can't be beat. Zenni Optical has just gotten 2 thumbs up from this single mom. Let me know if you decide to try them out. I would love to hear your experiences with them.

I will be back later to add a picture of myself in my glasses. :)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Hallway Flooring, Power Tools and Dad

I hate having so many things to say and not knowing where to start. This seems to be a common problem for me. My brain very rarely has a moment to process one thought before I have moved on to the next. I sat down on my bed tonight intending to post one thing but my mind was going a million miles and hour and I am already ten thoughts down the road. I think the easiest way to get them out tonight is like this ....

1) The hallway is half way done.
2) I love power tools ... really I get excited and a bit turned on when I use them. ;)
3) If my dad was still alive he would be so proud of me.

Ok now let's see if I can get those out into paragraphs that make sense.

My goal today was to get the hallway flooring started and I did just that. It would be possible for me to finish it tonight but my back started hurting. Plus there was a beer in the fridge that wanted me to drink it. I didn't want to hurt its feelings. I am not sure anyone really wants to see pictures of my hallway floors halfway done but I am still going to post one. It's my blog get over it! And cause if I am ever down on myself I can go look at it and remember that I am really awesome.

My hallway ... don't be jealous

Oh yes I love power tools. I am not talking the ones you get at places like this .... Although those excite me also and that is another post all together. I am talking drills, nail guns, table saws, etc. When I started this flooring project a year ago I had to decide between renting all of the tools I would need and purchasing them. It was pretty much an easy decision ... I had to own my own power tools. I have to say that I get such a rush when I use them. Honestly I have to admit that I get aroused. If there was a man around when I was done using my tools I am sure I would jump his bones and do very dirty things to him. I am not sure why I feel so excited about using power tools and working on my house in this way. Maybe it is a power thing ... like I feel more powerful. Maybe it is a confidence thing ... I am able to do more than I give myself credit for. Maybe I am just a kinky freak that is turned on by power tools. Hee hee hee Who knows.

And with weird awkwardness after the last paragraph I will now talk about my dad. As I was working so very hard on my floors I had to stop and miss my dad. I was also so very thankful for him at that moment. It was my dad who taught me how to do things like this. My dad was a Handy Man in every way imaginable. He could design it, build it or fix it. The house I grew up in started out with 3 bedrooms and 1 bath. Dad turned it into a 4 bedroom 1 1/2 baths with a kitchen that opened up into the living room. I often helped him with what he was doing. Not a joke when we bought the house it had tiles on the ceilings. The kind you see in old school classrooms. Stapled right to the drywall. I spent hours with him tearing them down, scraping out staples and then sanding. When he tore down the funky wood paneling in the living room and put up drywall I was there helping. Electrical, plumbing, drywall, and more I was there by his side. Soaking it all up to take it with me down the road. Oh and I can change my own oil and probably the brakes on a Volkswagen if need be. He also taught me how to crochet. He really was a Handy Man.

He would be so proud of me for doing this on my own. So Dad ... wherever you are ... Thank you for everything you taught me while you were here. I can only hope that I can pass these wonderful lessons you taught me onto my kids. All 4 of them. :)

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

It's Oh So Silent

No music. No movie playing in another room. No kids talking, laughing screaming, fighting. No humming noise from the dishwasher, washing machine or dryer. There is only a cat purring next to me. It is so very silent around here.

The Turtle, Little Man and Little Bird are gone for the week to "Cousin Camp". My Exs Grandmother hosts "Cousin Camp" every Spring Break. Mini-me has taken my car and gone to work. I am never really sure what to do when I am this alone. Over Christmas break I fell into a major funk. The kind where you get out of bed to shower and then put jammies on and get back into bed. Don't answer the phone or talk to anyone. Your thoughts pulling you in deeper to the funk that has grabbed a hold of you. Mini-me took care of me and told me to get up. I ended up texting The Jeans and that was the first time I had seen him and months.

I have one full week without work and 3 kids. I would love a road trip to go see The Jeans but he is working overtime so that isn't going to happen. I refuse to get into a funk. No way can I go there and waste a week of my life.

Yesterday I spent 9 hours cleaning. Really it was a purging of more junk and rearranging of furniture/sewing stuff. My house looks 100% worse than it did when I started yesterday. I've spent a few hours today working on the floors.

I think I forgot to mention that I am insane. Last year (as in last March) I had the great idea of purchasing and installing wood floors in my house. I am doing it by myself. No contractors or friends helping me. Well I have put Mini-me to work a few times. The living room was finally finished this past December. It had to be finished for Christmas. The poor hallway has been naked for a year now. Just subflooring.

Today I have moved the bookshelf (so now there are books in several boxes in my room and a bookshelf in the boys room) and layed out the lining and have started putting in the flooring.
I am taking a break because the compressor and I were not getting along.

My mission is to finish the hallway sometime tomorrow early morning. It would be cool to get it done today ... which really is possible if I got off the internet. I am thinking big this week. I am tackling my room also. I doubt I will get to the flooring in here but I hope to get the walls painted. Next month will be my 10 yr anniversary living in here in this house. My room is the only one that has never been painted. It is ready for some lovin ;). I am ready for it to be my little place to get away.

Off to send an email, put on some music and lay down some kick ass wood flooring. Expect pictures later.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes. ~Author Unknown

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Midnight Ramblings ...

I should be sleeping. It is hours past my bed time. I will be skipping church tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me just doesn't care. Was in a funk earlier this week now I feel wired. Sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar to some extent. So many things to get out not sure where to start ... hang in there for a long rambling midnight post.

Last weekend with The Jeans was very nice. He spent the night at my house Thursday after we went down and saw some friends. It is a very rare thing for him to stay here. He is one of the very few people that the door is even open to. I am very protective of my kids and who enters their lives. Anyways ... we stayed in bed most of the day as we had to pull an all nighter Friday night.

The ride a long was pretty uneventful. Totally ok by me though. I enjoyed my time just talking and looking at the million dollar homes. Nothing like being in a patrol car at 2 in the morning and stopping in front of million dollar homes that are for sale and jumping out of the car to grab the fliers to see what the house costs and the pictures of it. Oh yes that is what we did. Hee hee

We did pull one person over. The Jeans left it up to me if I wanted the person towed. Driving while suspended and no insurance. I figured the $700 in tickets he got for that was plenty for the guy to pay. We were nice and let the guys girlfriend come get him and his car.

Got back to his place around 9 am and I crashed hard in his bed. He stayed up cause well he is insane. He came in and slept with me for an hour before we both had to leave. Got home around 5 and realized that I had not eaten for 24 hours. Texted Select Friend and met him down at our favorite hang out. Enjoyed a big fat bacon cheeseburger and a few beers. Since I didn't have kids I stayed out past my bed time. Had a great time.

Sunday started of just grand with another fight with the Ex. He really is just a jackass. I can't even go into all of the details with out getting upset all over again. I can say that it pisses me off that I still let him have control over my emotions.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night (hey he works graveyards lol). Interesting conversation ... I mentioned that I wanted to go on a trip by myself for my birthday this year. Really a trip to Disneyland on my birthday BUT without my kids. This would be a major first for me. I have not been to Disneyland without my kids since I was a teenager. I have always wanted to go alone or with one person not the 25 that we normally go with. I know my kids will be upset that I am not taking them but I want and need to do this. Crazy ass shit happened next when The Jeans said "I will go with you. It would be fun to take a trip together." Holy Crap Batman!! I about fell out of my bed. He wants to go on a trip with me to Disneyland. My birthday is still 6 months away so I will have to see how this plays out.

Monday I posted this.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night and we ended up talking for most of the night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep. My lack of sleep didn't help my day on Tuesday. I was exhausted all day but that didn't stop me from meeting with The Jeans and going out for a friends birthday and St. Patricks day. Weird that this was our 3rd year celebrating this together. The 1st year and this year we went together. He paid for everything for me. And as usual everyone asked what was going on between us. *sigh* I had no answer to give. On the way to meet everyone he asked me "So how many people do you think will ask if we are dating?" I said "I had no idea. The thought never really crossed my mind that anyone would think that." I really didn't even think that anyone would ask. They always have in the past if we show up somewhere together but it's been almost a year since we have gone out together.

I remembered a few things late into the night 1) why I don't drink in the middle of the week 2) why The Jeans and I should not drink around each other with all of our friends around. For whatever reason St. Patricks day for us always ends up with one of us crying. This year was my turn. Way to much to post here tonight.

Wed. I was in a major funk from the lack of sleep I had gotten 2 nights in a row. Dehydrated from drinking and upset about how the night ended. Called The Jeans when I got off work and talked for a minute but he was at a friends visiting. Then going to another friends for the evening. I extended an invite for him to come over later that night.

Had an appt that evening at the College to finish registering for my classes. I am officially going back to school. I will be taking 2 classes in the Women in Transistions program. I am excited about these classes. I have heard great things about how they help women that are in transistion find the path they should be on. Oh and crazy me has decided to take a Hip Hop dance class for Pe Credit. I am taking it cause I like to dance and it will be a great workout. I will be in school 4 nights a week on top of working, raising 4 kids, and keeping my house clean. I am insane!!

I never heard from The Jeans Wed. night. I thought he was upset with me about Tuesday. Nothing really to be upset about though. Again can't explain that in detail right now but basically my insecurities hit full force Wed & Thursday.

Thursday I was in a major funk about not talking to The Jeans. Mini-me also left Thursday morning to go to Portland until Sunday. I cried when I left for work because I did not want her to go. Which made her cry. Then she texted me and made me cry and then she called and made me cry. I cried a lot on Thursday as did Mini-me.

All day Thursday I felt as though I was forgetting something. The date had a meaning but for the life of me could not remember what the importance of it was. Then while eating dinner with Turtle and Little Man (the ex kept Little Bird) it hit me. It was my Divorce Anniversary. One would think I would smile and be happy that I am no longer married to an abusive butthole however I cried ... for like the 20th time that day. I sat at my dinner table shoveling in my food while my kids sat across from me and I cried. Neither of them seemed to notice as they kept right on talking and eating. I did not cry because I wanted the Ex back or any of that nonsense. I cried because after being divorced for 2 years and apart for 3 on April 1 I feel like I have not gotten very far. I feel like I should have more to show or something. I don't know how to explain this. This isn't about dating or having someone in my life either. It's more about money and feeling secure financially and about where I am headed in life.

Went to bed early that night as I was tuckered out from crying. The Jeans texted me at 4 am. We texted back and forth for 30 minutes and then he called. We talked for another 15. Just our normal chit chat. He was still at a friends house not far from here. It drives me nuts when he asks me things like "Do you sleep better when I am next to you?" My answer is always "YES" and then he always lets out a little sigh after I answer. Is this his way of boosting his ego? Making sure that he is the one I want to sleep next to? His way of telling me he misses me? Or that he wants to be sleeping next me at that moment? He always tells me how great he sleeps when we stay together ... after we get up. When I was on the ride a long last week he turned to me and said "I wish we were still cuddling and sleeping on the couch." (that is what we were doing before we left) I agreed that it would be nice to be doing that. Then he joked around about how he wished the couch was deeper cause I am always falling off of it.

DAMN IT I wish he would just freakin tell me what the hell he wants. I am sure my readers would love a full 2 year story to understand why I am so confused. Someday I will get there.... I suppose. I have to admit that I am very tired of waiting but really as Select friend told me "You guys are starting over and you have to give it time." I just don't have any patience. Blah

Anyways ... as we ended our conversation Thursday night very early Friday morning I asked if he would be calling that night (For what seems to be our regular Friday night talk) and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.

Friday was pretty good minus the chaos at work and Mini-me calling me every 10 minutes sobbing. The work stuff was to be expected as it was the Friday before Spring Break. Everyone was itching to get the heck out of there. You ask anyone that works at a school that kids are always a little more out of control just before vacations or 3 day weekends. I swear more fights happen during those times also.

The Ex took the kids Friday for a bit after they got out of school so he could show them the new house that he and his girlfriend just bought. Oh yes you can't pay your child support but please go get a new home with your girlfriend. GRR I ran a few errands and met him half way to get the kids. Pizza was already in the car so the kids and I could have a movie night. Little Bird and I crashed by 10 and I told Turtle and Little Man they could watch another movie. Not normal for me to let them stay up so late or by themselves but they were so responsible about it. I thanked them this morning (something I am realizing I don't do enough of).

The Jeans called around 2 and could only talk for a minute as it was a busy night. He said that I should have been with him then. We talked about me planning another ride a long. This made me excited for many reasons. I get to spend more time with The Jeans and I get to do something I love. I would actually love to be a police officer. I however have made a promise to my kids that I will not be one. Little Man has the biggest issue with me doing that line of work. He has actually cried and begged me not to do it. He is terrified that something will happen to me. Also as a single mom being a cop is not an easy thing. So I have decided to be a teacher instead.

So that brings us up to today ... Saturday. It was a pretty laid back day. We all slept in ... which is rare for me. Then got showered and dressed and I took them to see Race to Wich Mountain. I would give it 3 stars while the kids seemed to really like it. We had a nice dinner together and then they all hunkered down on the couch and watched a movie together. While I came in here and started working on a new layout and background for my blog. You like it?? I also joined Twitter ... I need to see what all the fuss is about.

Now on to Mini-me ... I have come to realize just how much she and I depend on each other. She has called me crying every day since she left. Not just cause she misses me. Although that has come up at least 40 times. As I mentioned in Mondays post she is unable to dance. Being up at the State competitons has been very hard on her. She pretty much told me she is dying because she can't be out there dancing. It is not helping that her team mates have been very rude to her. They were not including her in anything. It is a tradition to get the girls all gifts for State. Well it crushed Mini-me when she was left out of getting gifts from some of the parents.

I have feel like a broken record. I have told her how great she is. How she needs to not worry about the girls and the drama. Blah blah blah blah ... even when things turned around today and her coach found her a costume so that she could dance in grand finale she still cried to me. I finally had to be "Mean Mom" I called her and said "Look you are going to dance Grand Finale. Who gives a flying freaking shit if the other girls don't think you should get to. Your coach found you a costume so that you could do it. She obviously wants you there. Shut up and be happy that you get this chance." She yelled at me "FINE MOM" and then hung up. A few hours later she texted me a picture of herself in the costume. She had done her own hair and make-up and looked awesome. I thought we were in the clear and done with crying.

I was so wrong. The team won 1st place for State so do you think Mini-me could be happy for her team. NOOOO she calls me crying again about how hurt she is that she couldn't be out there and she didn't win. I was a mom losing her patience. I can only take so much whining. Nothing was satisfying her. :( I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like she had never gotten to dance at State before. They won 1st place last year. This was not good enough for her. She again hung up on me. So I did nothing. Awhile later she texted that she was sorry and she loved me.

That girl has drained me the last few days. I have missed her something fierce but I could have done without the whining and crying. I hate to say this as it sounds mean but Oh my gosh I am so glad that dance team is over. Four years of whining and drama. I miss her dancing as she is amazing when she does but I can't do the drama.

Since I am playing catch up for the last week ... my 16 week challenge was put on the backburner the last week or so. I am still doing my menu planning and that is going well. Since it is Spring Break for me and I have this week off I plan on doing some major cleaning. It will be just Mini-me and I starting Monday and going until Thursday. No excuses!! I tend to get into a funk when it is vacation time and the kids are gone. This upcoming week has some dates in it that always bring me down. My dads birthday is also coming up. I can't get into a funk. No way can I let that happen. No going out either at least not for drinking. Maybe a movie for Mini-me and I but we can always watch one here together. My mom will be here somewhere around June 11 and I need to feel organized and proud of my house. Expect a Challenge update next week.

I feel so much better getting all of that out. Off to bed for me.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. ~John Burroughs

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Kid Q & A

I really have so many things to say but I don't want to talk\write about any of it. I am in a freaking stupid funk this week ... the kind where you start crying at your desk at work or over a text your daughter sends you. Instead I am stealing a little something from T's blog .... I added how I would have answered for myself.

1) What is something Mom always says to you?

Mini-Me: "I love you and You smell"
Turtle: "I love you"
Little Man: "Quite Down"
Little Bird: "Take a shower"

Mom: "I love you"

2) What makes Mom happy?

MM: "Your family"
Turtle: "Sewing and your family"
LM: "Me"
LB: "Hugs and Kissing you or when I take a shower"

Mom: "When my kids are happy and when I get to sew"

3) What makes Mom sad?

MM: "Oh gosh Oh wow ... Next question ... to many things to list Mom"
Turtle: "Your dad died and when I don't do my homework"
LM: "I knew that would be the next question ... Me when I am being bad"
LB: "I don't know what makes you sad"

Mom: "When the kids are sick or hurting in some way ... and as MM said lots of other things"

4) How does Mom make you laugh?

MM: "Our inside jokes"
Turtle: "When you stare me down"
ItalicLM: "Your love and jokes"
LB: "When you tell me knock knock jokes"

Mom: "Saying silly things at the dinner table or when I dance"

5) What was Mom like as a child?

MM: "Well you were a rebel cause you had me"
Turtle: "Umm Like me" (she is dead on about this LOL)
LM: "You didn't want to live with your mom cause your dad didn't make you do your homework" (Interesting answer ... this has to do with some things that have been going on around here the past 2 weeks)
LB: "I don't know you've never told me"

Mom: "Just like each of the kids in some way."

6) How old is Mom?

MM: "34" *giggles* (I wonder what she was thinking)
Turtle: "34"
LM: "34 but I think you are still young ... Really young"
LB: "Right Now? Umm I don't know I don't remember."

Mom: "I'm 34"

7) How tall is Mom?

MM: "5'1 and like 3/4 or something like that "
Turtle: *stands up walks over to wall* "I'll say about 60.17 I guess"
LM: *stands up looks at marking at wall* "I'm going to say ... I can't see what the marking says but 60" and 4cm's"
LB: "I don't know" (Do you have a guess) "7' tall is that right?"

Mom: "If you measure me first thing in the morning I am 5'1 afternoon I am 5' even. I shrink throughout the day"

8) What is Mom's favorite thing to do?

MM: "Sew"
Turtle: "Sew and go to Disneyland"
LM: "Have fun with family"
LB: "Watch movies"

Mom: "Sewing ... it is a form of therapy to me"

9) What does Mom do when you're not around?

MM: "I have no idea that is a scary thought"
Turtle: "You work, sew when you have free time and you do other mom stuff"
LM: "Sames things you do when we are here except not talk to us and stuff"
LB: "I don't know that at all"

Mom: "Pretty much the same things as when they are here ... occasionally I go out"

10) If Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

MM: "Writing a book"
Turtle: "Sewing and designing"
LM: "Prettiness"
LB: "Umm cause you sew and you make stuff for people"

Mom: "Me famous?? Ha ha ha Although I love the answers my kids gave ... I have always wanted to write a book, and sewing is a passion and I am sort of pretty."

11) What is Mom really good at?

MM: "Being a mom"
Turtle: "Sewing"
LM: "Loving"
LB: "Sewing"

Mom: "I am a super fast typer"

12) What is Mom not very good at?

MM: "I don't know how to word it"
Turtle: "I can't think of anything"
LM: "Getting me to my homework I dont know"
LB: "I don't know I don't know just tell me"

Mom: "Cutting hair ... I have been banned from cutting the kids hair"

13) What does Mom do for her job?

MM: "Secretary slash nurse assistant"
Turtle: "You work as a nurses assistant or something like that I can't remember exactly at H Middle School in the office"
LM: "You work at H Middle school the Pride as a nurses assistant"
LB: "Work on your computer"

Mom: "I work as the attendance secretary and I am the health assitant for a middle school. Really my job description should be Mom there also. I discipline, love, praise, be tough (Soldier Mom), bandage, give hugs, encourage ... to 450 students."

14) What is Mom's favorite food?

MM: "Pasta ... Fettucine like what I am eating now" (She was out with the dance team eating dinner when I asked)
Turtle: "Banana Nut Bread"
LM: "Like some pastas like macaroni or some angel noodles or something ..."
LB: "This might not be it but it might ... TURKEY! Am I right mom?"

Mom: "I really really love Ice Cream but don't eat it much anymore. Pasta is another favorite."

15) What makes you proud of Mom?

MM: "The way you have raised us"
Turtle: "For helping me grow up"
LM: "You stopped smoking"
LB: "Takes me out to dinner"

Mom: "I am proud of myself for not smoking anymore, doing a pretty good job at raising 4 kids, working and now going back to school ... and for not killing my ex for all of the stupidness he does."

15) If Mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

MM: "Oh I have no idea ... you could be Susan from Desperate Housewives though"
Turtle: "I can't think of anybody ... Umm Winnie the Pooh"
LM: "Little Hot Riding Hood"
LB: "I can't think of any numbs"

Mom: "Does WonderWoman count? I always wanted WonderWoman underoos when I was a kid"

16) What do you and Mom do together?

MM: "Cause problems"
Turtle: "Girl stuff"
LM: "My homework and some times we go out and eat rent a red box movie go to the grocery store"
LB: "I don't really remember"

Mom: "I like to take Little Man to the movies. Turtle and I fabric shop. MM and I really do cause trouble and LB and I just hang out"

17) How are you and Mom the same?

MM: "Well duh we look alike"
Turtle: "Uhh we are girls"
LM: "We are blood related and some people say we look a lot alike"
LB: "We both like the color blue"

Mom: "We all love Disneyland"

18) How are you and Mom different?

MM: "We're not we are practically sisters"
Turtle: "Your 34 and I'm 11"
LM: "You are a girl and I am a boy"
LB: "I have a wiener and you don't" (I laughed so hard at this)

Mom: "MM hates peanut butter I love it. Turtle loves clam chowder I hate it. LM wont' touch pasta while I would eat it daily. LB is a raw brocolli eater while I think it takes like eating grass."

19) How do you know Mom loves you?

MM: "Cause you kept me" (I had her at 16 ... damn it that made me cry)
Turtle: "You do a lot of stuff for me"
LM: "Cause you don't throw me around and yell at me" *growling sounds* (umm this had to be seen it was actually very funny to me .... the boy has a very active imagination by the way)
LB: "Because you hug and kiss me"

Mom: "I give lots of hugs kisses and I like to cuddle with them"

20) Where is Mom's favorite place to go?

MM: "Fabric Depot" (Oh yes I am a fabric whore)
Turtle: "Disneyland with your family and your best friend"
ItalicLM: "To visit your mom and a bunch of relatives in Ca and stuff"
LB: "Disneyland"

Mom: "I do love Disneyland, visiting family in Ca, and boy do I love the fabric store"

Monday, March 16, 2009

My Dancer

Sitting on hold waiting forever so I thought I would make sneak a quick post in. I have 10 minutes ... (had to come back and finish after picking up kids)

So my post this morning was dedicated to Mini-me. She has been on the High School dance team since her Freshman year. She had never taken a dance class in her life but man that girl can dance.

Each year in March they compete at the State level. Last March leading up to State Mini-me started complaining of hip pain. After State she started physical therapy. She was given the go ahead to dance again in July. Off she went to dance camp with the team. Twenty-hours after getting to camp she called me and told me that she had injured herself. She had torn the muscles in her right thigh.

She was able to dance in the fall season but only 2 out of the 5. No more kick line, hip hop or lyrical as they hurt her to much. When it came time to try out for the Winter squad she and the Coach had a heart to heart about what Mini-me could really do. She was still in extreme amounts of pain. She told the Coach that she would work through the pain as it was her last year and all she wanted to do was dance. She also said that she would understand if she was not picked to be on the main team but rather be an alternate. Mini-me wasn't asked to be on the squad or be an alternate. She was crushed. The Coach asked her to be the "Team Manager". Basically Mini-me goes to every competition with the team and does hair, make-up, video taping of other teams ... pretty much anything that is asked of her she does.

It has broken my heart that she can not dance this final part of her Sr. year. She often texts me upset from competitions about how rude the other girls are. How she doesn't feel appreciated by them. The text I get the most is "Mommy I want to be the one on the floor. It hurts that I am not there." This one always kills me. Sundays she is full of complaints. I just nod and tell her how sorry I am that they treat her that way. Even though she feels that way she continues to go. Dance is Life to her.

This Thursday the team leaves to Portland to go to State. Mini-me has been doing all of the team fundraisers to make sure her bill was paid off so she could go also. She refuses to give up dance even when she can't do it anymore. I am so proud of her for not giving up even when she is hurting so bad.

Tonight one of the other local High Schools hosts its annual send off. All of the other High Schools come to showcase what they will be preforming at State. I personally think the highlight of the night is when the Sr. girls are recognized. Parents and their Sr. girls are introduced to the audience. I have waited 4 years for this moment and I am a bit sad.

Sad that she is not out there dancing like she dreams of doing. Sad that this is the last dance thing I will attend for her (besides the team banquet). Sad that we are a few steps closer to her being 18 and Graduating. She is so not my little girl anymore. She is a strong, awesome, kick ass dancer and woman. The last 4 years have flown by. Faster than I thought they could. Tonight I want to pause the world just to have one good long moment with my daughter.

I am praying I can make it out on the floor with her with out sobbing. I hate crying in public in front of hundreds of people. ;)

You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart. ~Author Unknown

Picture & Quote

Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, so that I might have something to press against my heart. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sunday, March 15, 2009

No time

I have no time to write and its killing me. This week is already looking to be very busy.

I do have time for the following ....

1) My time with The Jeans was very nice ... however I am even more confused
2) My ex is a big mean jerk face ... and that is putting it nicely
3) Select Friend I love you and thank you for listening as usual ... the beer was good also
4) Turtle hates me and am a witch mom who is mean ... I am making her do her homework
5) I am PMSing and it is possible I really am a witch mom
6) I am hoping the cramping is just PMS cramping and not a bladder infection starting UGH
7) Make it through this week then it's Spring Break ... Yay!

Off to bed ...

Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown

Friday, March 13, 2009

Time with The Jeans

Just posting a quick note that my time with The Jeans is going great. He was in town yesterday and asked if I wanted to in with him to a friends. I jumped at the chance :-) Spent most of the day in my bed and just got to his house for a short nap before we head out for his job. After 2 years of waiting I finally get to go on a ride along. Off to sleep will try to post more Sat night when I get home.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


It has been a long week and it is only Wed. night. Switching nights with my ex has exhausted me and thrown me off schedule. Fighting with my ex on Monday exhausted me. Work has been exhausting. My kids have been exhausting. Can I blame it all on the full moon??

No time for blogging and I have so much to say. I need to let it out as I can feel myself letting the nasty things build up in me and I am feeling rotten. Crankiness has taken over me tonight.

I yelled at my kids and feel like shit even though I apologized. I want to go wake them up and move them all to my bed so I can cuddle them and reassure them that I love them. I know that they know this but maybe I am the one that needs the reassurance tonight. *sigh*

Hope to have time to write tomorrow before I leave town. Sleep time must happen now so I am not a major cranky butt tomorrow.

O bed! O bed! delicious bed!
That heaven upon earth to the weary head.
~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream

Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night. ~George Allen

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pick Up Line?

Dinner is always interesting at my house. You never know what is going to come out of someones mouth while we are sitting around the table eating together. It is often we forget our manners and we burp or in my case I belch which in turn sets off one of the boys. Silly stories are told and there is lots of laughter. Once a week I tell the kids that I wonder if I will ever find a man that can handle our family antics at the dinner table. As usual tonight was no different ... I had to giggle at the conversation.

Tonight I was munching away when Little Bird says to me ...
"Mom you are so very pretty and I love you"

Before I could respond Little Man says ...
"There is a bottle of shampoo and conditioner that says it has the 7 signs of beauty in it but when I look at you mom you have all 7 plus more."

I joked around that that this sounded like a pick up line. Mini-me then tells Little Man "Leave the shampoo and conditioner part out and just say ... So I hear there are 7 signs of beauty but when I look at you I see all 7 and more."

I can just imagine my sons using this line on some girl. LOL Knowing them they will keep the shampoo and conditioner part in to get a laugh. :)

After my post from earlier I thought my blog could use a little laughter and lightness. :)

Deep Breath In ... Let out slowly ...

Count to 10 or whatever number it takes to keep you from ripping your Ex a new one. Oh I am Angry tonight. Angry with a capital A!! I have not been this angry with him in ... well to be honest I can't remember. I have been annoyed and upset but this was one of those moments where I had to walk out to my car and scream at the top of my lungs ... so I did not take it out on my kids.

GRR .... This wonderful fight was over homework. I don't normally have the kids Mon, Tues and Wed nights but this week I asked to switch days so I could have a weekend to myself and go out of town. These 3 nights just happen to be the Big homework nights for Turtle. Thursday nights she usually has one page of work and nightly reading. Tonight she tried to tell me that she only had one math sheet to do. Uh huh sure ya do. After dinner I made her bring me her notebook so I could go through it. Sure enough I found 5 assignments not started or not finished. When I questioned her she told me they hadn't started it yet, he (the teacher) told them to do half of the page, or oh that one is do Thursday. I then asked where her other stuff was. This is when she shows me the late assignment sheet .... I knew she had one my mom radar was going off full force.

4 weeks behind on nightly reading and 13 missing assignments. WTF?? I am of course upset with her for lying but even more upset with my ex. She was behind on assignments last week also. The only reason I knew that was because the teacher left me a voicemail. GRR
So when I call my ex to talk to him about it he of course thinks I am attacking him (which according to him I always do. I have never been good at communicating.) He won't let me finish a sentence and when I try to explain exactly what she is missing and he yells at me to SHUT UP and then proceeds to hang the phone up on me.

It took everything for me not to call his ass back and yell at him. No need to cause he called me 5 minutes later to yell at me some more. Arguement went from homework, to his and his girlfriends desicion to give Little Man melatonin the nights he is there (cause he won't go to bed), to how I don't know how to communicate and always attack him. The entire time his girlfriend was in the background yapping at him. After I calmly tried to explain the homework stuff and why I was so angry he and his girlfriend suggest that Turtle come live with them for a few weeks. WTF?? Are you kidding? To make sure she gets her homework done ... like I was the parent she was with on homework nights. Like I am the reason she is so far behind. Yes yes I know I have a duty to check things when she is here and I do ... I guess not good enough. :(

After we hung up all I wanted was to go smoke (which I quit doing in November) and to drink a beer to calm down. Knowing that neither one of those has never or will ever solve my problems I proceeded to the next best option of explaining to my kids (in the best most calmest way I could) that I needed to take a moment outside by myself. Gave them each instructions on what they needed to do to get ready for bed. I grabbed my keys and my phone walked out to my car, got in it and screamed at the top of my lungs. I may have growled some also. I admit to hitting the steering wheel a few times also. Tried to call my mom who did not answer. Asked for God to help me stay calm then came back in and took my anger out on the basket of laundry that needed to be folded.

I have so many things I want to say. I wish I had hours upon hours to write all of the things that are in me as I know that it would help but tonight that is not an option.

So much for that inner peace I have been feeling :( Right now as much as I believe kids should have a dad in their lives I really don't care and I wish that my kids lived with me full time. Since that is not an option I am left to try my best at leading them down the correct path ... damn I hope its the path I am already on. ;) I am breathing ... and counting ...

Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell

Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. ~Lyman Abbott

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Not sure what to do ...

How do you tell a friend that you have some major issues with the things they are doing?

I am currently friends with a single mom to 3 kids. Let's call her DQ (Drama Queen) We met a about year and a half ago through our daughters. She stayed home a lot and from what she has told me not much of a drinker. She and I went out a few times and I introduced her to many of my friends. I slowed down on my going out last year and she started going out with out me. She made a lot of poor choices and most of those poor choices involved many of my guy friends. Some of her choices affected my friendships.

I am trying to be somewhat private here ... just in case she were to ever come across this. Not that she even knows this exists but stranger things have happened in my life.

DQ gets depressed a lot about the choices she has made\is making. Since last summer she has had 5 boyfriends that I know of and slept with countless others. Has thought she was pregnant numerous times. She has come to me crying and asking for advice several times. However when I have told her that I think she needs to stop drinking and clinging to any man that gives her the time of day she gets offended. I don't sugar coat things when she asks. She gets over being upset with me in a day or so and almost always texts me with "You were so right about blah blah blah" or "I am sorry you are right I need to make changes".

I decided in October that I need to distance myself from her. As I felt that the friendship was draining me more than it was fulfilling me. It was easy at first to make excuses not to hang out or let any of our kids hang out together as I had gotten a new job and was dating Mr. Bend. Since Jan. she has been texting me every Monday night asking me to go down to a certain bar as it is $1 beer night after 9. I have gone 2 times but was home by 10. Each time she would fill me in on all of her drama.

When she and I first started hanging out she always had someone watch her kids for her. Usually her 2nd daughters father. Her kids are 11 (just turned it this week), 9, and 5. She has been leaving them home alone at night so she can go out and party it up. No home phone or cell phone for them to use up until 2 weeks ago. She got her 11 yr old a cell phone to use. Let's just say I have some issues with this on many levels.

With all of that said I am having a bigger issue with her right now. She currently does not have her Drivers License. Last summer she was pulled over and they informed her that it was suspended. I guess for not paying a ticket in full from several years ago. Or so she has told me. She was supposed to go to court the first week of Sept yet never got out of bed that day. She went a few weeks later where they told her she had x amount of time to pay it and they would give it back. Of course she did not pay it (her list of reasons why is a mile long). With out a Drivers License you can not be insured. So when she was pulled over again in Dec. she was given another ticket and her car impounded again for driving while suspended and uninsured.
She was pulled over the night before Valentines on her way home from the bar. She told the officer that her boyfriend works at the bar and she had to go get him. The officer let her go without a ticket or a sobriety test.

Yesterday she had a pizza\slumber party for her 11 yr old. All of my kid were invited to the pizza party but I did not want to stay. I told Turtle that in no way shape or form was she to get into DQ car with her. That I would be back to get her and take her to the house for the slumber party. I also told Turtle that if DQ left at any point that she was to use her friends cell phone to call me and I would come get her.

Mini-me took Turtle into the pizza place and let DQ know that we would be back to get her. With in minutes of us leaving she called me and said that she would just drive Turtle. I told her that it was ok because I had all of Turtles stuff anyways and needed to drop it off. She seemed to be ok with my answer. We picked up Turtle around 730 without any problems but DQ was still cleaning up the food fight the kids had. Mini-me took Turtle over to the house around 830. I reminded Turtle that if DQ left that she had to call me.

I thought all was good as I did not receive a phone call from Turtle. I called DQ around 1130 today and told her I would be there in 30-45 minutes to get Turtle. She offered to drive her I told her no it was ok I had to run some errands. Wouldn't you know it today would be the day that Little Man would have one of his major melt down moments (another story). These are not melt downs that end in a few minutes. It was close to 2 when DQ tried calling me. I did not answer but quickly texted her that I was having an issue and would be there as soon as possible. She was ok with this. Little Man and I were still having issues. She called 2 more times and I could not answer. When I was getting the boys into the car I looked up to see DQ pulling up in front of my house. I was angry!!!

When Turtle came up to me I asked her why she didn't call me and she said that DQ wouldn't let her use the phone. Which it wouldn't really of matter I was not answering. :( Turtle tried to tell her that I wanted her to stay there but DQ told her to get in the car. Turtle being scared did just that.

While making dinner I asked Turtle if DQ left at any point last night and she said yes. WTF??? With in 30 minutes of Turtle getting there DQ had taken a shower and left 3 eleven year old girls by themselves. I asked Turtle why she didn't call me and she said that her friend would not let her use the cell phone. I could tell that Turtle was not telling me everything so I explained that I needed to know so that I could talk to DQ about the situation and that I did not want to look stupid if I had the wrong story. That is when Turtle told me that her friend called DQ (her mom) and told her that I told Turtle that she had to come home if DQ left. DQ told her daughter to tell Turtle that she called me and I said it was OK! I asked Turtle why didn't she call me and double check and she said she was scared and again her friend would not let her use the phone.

As I am writing this out I realized that as a parent I should of and could of called to make sure things are the way they should be. So I take some responsibility in this, however I really hoped that DQ would of been a responsible parent and stayed home for her daughters slumber party.

I am feeling as though I need to let DQ know what my issues are. She keeps bugging me to let her watch Little Bird on Thursdays so I don't have to find childcare for him. I have made every excuse possible to not let her. The distancing myself from her is not working. I am thinking it is time I am fully honest with her but I am not sure how to do that. I have no problem telling her what I think when she asks for it. Coming right out and telling her freaks me out. I don't like confrontation.

I am not sure I want to touch the drinking, men, and leaving her kids home alone issues. Not that I don't want to talk to her about these things. It actually bugs the crap out of me that she drives after drinking so much that she can't see straight, that she parades these men around in front of her kids (especially her girls), and that she just leaves them home alone. I really just want to let her know that I not ok with my kids being in a car that she is driving. If they were in an accident with her there wouldn't be any insurance to cover them.

So what do I do?

Talk to her about all of the issues?
Talk to her about my kids being in a car she is driving\and her leaving my daughter at her house alone?
Try to distance myself even further? (which I am sure I will do)
Not say anything at all? (This will drive me bonkers)

Oh and if I talk to her ... Do I call her? Text her? (yes being serious she is a texter) Write her a letter? I thought about asking her out for a drink but that seems a bit wrong lol. If I talk to her in person I would want it to be a public place and with out the kids around. I am sure she is going to freak out big time.

Let me here it ...

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Jeans

One week from now I will be 2 hours away from my home and my kids. I will be staying with The Jeans for 2 nights. This post may not make much sense as I am find it very hard to write. I have written very little about The Jeans because I am not really sure how to or if I am ready. Tonight is not the night I want to go into the full story. I just want to vent ... more for myself than anything.

I am in love with this man. I want so badly to see him and spend this time together. Thursday night we will hang out and probably stay awake most of the night. On Friday sleep then go to work .... he works a graveyard shift as a Sheriff's Deputy and after waiting for almost 2 years he has finally asked me to go on a ride along. When he lived here in town and we first met he asked me to go on a ride along but backed out several times. I never understood why and was always left upset. He told me his reasons why this past Dec. and I can see why he made that choice then and I am ok with it. However I am very nervous that he will back out on me again. I have arranged with the Ex to switch days next week so I can make this trip. Mini-me won't even be home that weekend. So if he backs out then I will be home alone and I am sure depressed.

This is more than just about the ride along. I am wondering where in the heck we stand "relationship" wise. This has always been a fuzzy area for us. He has mentioned that he does not want a "relationship" .... like boyfriend/girlfriend dating blah blah blah. Yet some of his actions and words have shown me different.

I know that during the first part of the year I did some things that hurt him. We did not talk for a few months. Then he started texting me out of the blue. We spent a day together in late July and once again in August before he moved 2 hours away. We both started new jobs and didn't text but like maybe 3 times to see how each of us was doing. In November he started texting me again. He knew (via Myspace) that I was dating someone (Mr. Bend). The week leading up to Christmas he was texting me a ton. On Christmas Eve he called and we talked for just shy of 3 hours. We are both texting people so it was weird for him to call me (not that we don't talk we just prefer it in person ... does that make sense?). Seeing that I have some pretty major feelings for him I got excited that he was texting and calling so much. I had a chance to go see him a few days after Christmas so I took a road trip. It was an amazing 24 hours. :)

He backed off a little during the first few weeks of Jan. which did not surprise me as he has a pattern of getting close then pulling back. I was very surprised when I got a call that he was in town. Even more surprised when he showed up at my house. When he left the next morning I was confused and excited.

I have told myself not to get excited. I have made it a point not to text him first or call him. I want him to do the initiating and he is doing it. He called me 2 Friday nights in a row where we talked for 2 and 4 hours. He called me on a Sunday morning and shared with me about his upcoming vacation (the reason he did not call me last Friday). All of our phone calls have been very honest and open about so many things. We can always find something more to say to each other. He always sounds sad when I say that I have to go back to sleep (remember he works graveyards and calls me in the middle of the night).

I have been wanting to text him the last few days about next week and me coming up but I made a promise to myself not to text or call. Last night he called me while he was out getting some movies. I wanted to so bad to bring up the ride along and plans but I didn't. Half way through our conversation he told me what he his plans were for Sat. I joked with him about his plans and then he said "Isn't that the day you wanted to come up and go with me?" Whoo hoo he brought it up lol .... I explained that I wanted to go Friday and that I had the day off. He then suggested that I come up Thursday evening "So you can spend some time with me" those were his words. So plans have been made. He brought it up and sounded excited ... Why am I so nervous?

My phone started to die so I told him I needed to charge it and get more sleep. I did tell him that he could call Friday night as I had been enjoying our phone conversations and he said that he would. I do not want to get my hopes up though. Only 26 more hours until I see if he does.

To wrap this up (for tonight at least) .... This is probably going to sound like I am a total nut but I need to get this out. So several times over the past 2 years I have tried to move on. I have dated other men. I have stopped all contact with The Jeans. I have even Prayed for God to take him out of my life completely so I could move on. Really bizarre thing .... whenever I Pray for him to be out of my life he shows up at my house with in 3 hours. This has happened to many times in my mind to be a coincidence. I have been doing a lot more Praying lately about everything in my life. One of the things I have been Praying about is for God to guide me where he wants me regarding a relationship. Now each time I Pray about this The Jeans calls or texts. What the heck? I am actually questioning my own sanity as I type this out LOL .... Am I just wanting to be with this man so bad that I am seeing to much into everything??


You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. ~Matt Groening, The Simpsons, spoken by the character Marge Simpson


And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

A Dustland Fairytale
Artist: The Killers

Monday, March 2, 2009

16 Week Challenge ... Week 1 down :)

If you are new to my Challenge check out this post here ...

I originally planned for Sundays to be my update day but I had other things on my mind that needed to be taken care of. I hope to update this Sunday about how this week went.

As I mentioned in the original post about this challenge I was going to take pictures of my progress. That is exactly what I did. I have to admit I am a little embarrassed about how bad my house really is. When I see it in pictures I literally shudder.

A few pictures ...

One side of the bathroom cabinets ... Before

After :)

Saturdays trip to Goodwill :)

Isn't my bathroom a lovely shade of brown and blue?? I had this great idea to paint it to look like the ocean. No I was not on drugs but I almost wish I could say I was because it is hideous. ;) That above pictures are only one half of the bathroom cabinets. It is a double sink with tons of under sink storage. The other side was cleaned out in Jan after the dog we had at the time managed to jump on the counter (it was a doxie) while we were gone and turned the sink on. I had some clothes in the sink at the time. Not only did the sink overflow but one of the pipes leaked onto everything in that cabinet. One full bag of trash was thrown out from the cabinet pictured above. I also sent one box off to Goodwill.

I also worked on the bookshelf at the end of the hallway but don't want to post pictures of it until I am completely done with it. My girls tackled their room with out a fight and they worked together. I am thinking they may have been possessed for a brief amount of time. Not complaining at all mind you but I was a little scared. ;)

Saturday was our Goodwill drop off day. Adding to the pile from earlier in the week ... One more trash bag of clothing (I think), two postal boxes (bathroom stuff and the bookshelf), and one medium size bag with toys in it. I am thinking that I did pretty good for one week of purging.

Remember my struggle with letting Little Birds old Converse go ... I am happy to report that they made it to Goodwill and I did not cry one bit. :) Now if I can only convince Mini-me to let the two bags of Beanie Babies go.

I started cleaning the boys room tonight. Besides the garage this room scares me the most. It really looks like a tornado hit it. The hard part about this room is that Little Man has a very hard time letting go of anything (understandable as I think he feels like so much has been taken from him in his short 9 years of life). I will be working on the room when he is not here. Keeping only the stuff I know that he would notice missing. I feel bad for doing it this way but watching him cry and fight with me over everything is so hard. He has been known to pull things out of the trash and hide them so I can't get rid of it.

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. ~Henry Ford

Here is a picture of how cleaning the boys room went tonight ....

No idea where the eye came from but Mini-me and I could not resist a little fun with it. No I didn't throw it out. I was hoping to find another one like it in the room so I could have some real fun.

Oh oh oh ... Grocery shopping was done on Sat instead of Sunday due to Little Man having a basketball game. The kids and I made up our Weekly Menu and shopping list and all 5 of us went to the store. Normally my kids are crazy in the store but they rocked. It was like a challenge for all of them to keep us on budget. Maybe it was because I also dared them to do something while we were in the store (read below). I am proud to report that we spent $89 this week for groceries. That is up $1 from last week but great in my mind.

So I really do think that laughter is what keeps me from losing my mind. While we were in the car getting ready to go into the store I joked around with the kids that we should just stop in the middle of a busy aisle and we should yell "GROUP HUG" and then all hug one another. A few aisles into our shopping you betcha one of my kids yelled "GROUP HUG". I of course started laughing hysterically. I told them that the aisle wasn't busy enough and that I would pay the first kid who said it in the check out line $5. My kids are sneaky .... we get into the check out line and they start whispering to each other. Then all at once 4 kids scream "GROUP HUG" and start hugging and laughing. Then they all informed me that since they said it at the same time I had to pay them each $5. Ha ha ha ... dang it I love them. I bought them each a $1 lottery ticket instead. :)

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown