Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses

I am doing everything in my power to snap out of the depression that has sucked me into its black hole. Last night I emailed the rest of my family and informed them that I would be adding a new member to the family. I was honest in all of my emails about how I was feeling about things. It was very hard for me to be that open and honest about my feelings but I am glad that I was.

I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.

My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.

I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)

In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)

I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.

I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.




Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

Saturday Snippets

Not sure I will ever get to sleep in. Even though I am not working anymore I am still up at 530 thanks to the sun in my window. I try to fall back to sleep but usually toss and turn for a few hours and give up. Three days of the week I have been tanning to get a good base for Hawaii. I decided that since I can't sleep past 8 I may as well take advantage of the Happy Hour tan time in the mornings. $1 a tan ... really can't beat that. After I go tanning I have been walking about 2 miles. Trying to get the running thing in there when I can but I thought I had a stress fracture so I took it easy for awhile.

Today I am sad that I am not walking. Mini-me and I decided that we needed haircuts before Hawaii. Have to look cute ya know ;) Mini-me got about 8 inches cut off today. I think she is in a little bit of shock. I kept my length but had layers done again as it was just to straight and flat for me to do anything with. Aren't you all glad you are reading my lameness today. ;)

Now I am just sitting here waiting for Mini-Me to get back from a massage (her friends pitched in and got her a full body massage for her 18th B-day). We are going to watch the K-9 competition when she gets home. We have a friend that does K-9 patrol and they will be competing. Should be fun to watch the dogs in action.

Besides that my weekend is pretty lame. I've blocked out that tomorrow is Fathers Day. In fact I forgot until about ten minutes ago when I realized that is why my Ex wanted the kids.


I will be doing some sewing and trying to get things listed on Etsy. I know I don't have a ton of readers but I am tossing around the idea of having a contest. The winner would get a cute item made by me. :)

Man oh man I missed writing. So glad I have time to do this again. Only to be interrupted again when we leave for Hawaii .... In 10 days we will be on our way.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

Holding back the tears

I am sitting here holding back the tears. I have been awake for nearly an hour now ... laying and thinking about what I should write in my email to my coworkers. If I should write my students a letter letting them know just how much they rocked and how they made a difference in my life.

As I left work yesterday it started to hit that I would be turning in my key today. I won't be hearing "Ms. Shannon I need a ice pack, band aid, to talk, a hug ... " anymore. I won't be telling a kid to sit and be quite in my office while waiting to see the vice principal. I won't know what student is dating another ... yes they come and share this with me for some reason.

I am going to miss my job so very much. :( I honestly did not think that when I started this job just 9 months ago that I would feel this way. It has been an amazing time of growth for me in so many ways and I am not ready to leave yet. I will continue to grow with out this job and I will take all of the lessons I have learned and move forward but I am a bit sad.

I love it when I ramble .... my emotions are taking over.

Today is also my last day of the term for college. I will leave work early today and go out and preform my Hip Hop dance. I am trying to visual myself dancing it on a stage. I am doing all of the moves correct. My kids will out there watching me and at the end I will hear them cheering for me. :) How is that for positive thinking?

If I wasn't feeling emotional enough about the job and the dance thing I had to dream about my dad. I honestly can't even describe the dream but he was there. I always feel sad when I wake from dreams that he has been in. I miss him and wish he was here for me ... especially on days like today. He would be so proud of me.

The tears are flowing ... this is going to be a long day.

My mom also arrives tonight and will be here for the week. This should be interesting ... I will have to write more on this later.

Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown

Beautiful Days that turn to Shit ...

I should have known that my day at work was way to good to be true. I should have known that it meant that something would come along and Fuck up my day.

The mailman sucks for bringing shitty mail to my house. My ex sucks for not paying me the full amount of child support each month. Hell he fucking sucks cause he doesn't work, lives rent free with his girlfriend and goes to school full time. I would also like to add that my Mortgage company sucks. They are so not helpful with anything. The Congressman I wrote a letter to a few months ago also sucks. Really even just an acknowledgement that you received my letter would be nice. I am pretty sure I voted for your ass. Sucky people that in some way made my beautiful day turn into shit.

I am sure I will want to retract this post later and I may or may not do it. I am so Fucking pissed right now. I have been crying for an hour. The really hard crying where you cant breath and when someone tries to say something to you the tears fall even harder. This is my blog and I dont fucking care what anyone thinks of me right at this moment. I just need to vent and this is my only place to do it.

I got the notice today that my house is officially in Foreclosure. Writing that sentence makes the flood gates open up again. I have until August to figure out what the hell to do.

Really?? I work full time, raise 4 kids (pretty much alone), and go to school. I am not a druggie or an alcoholic. Fuck I gave up smoking cigarettes to live healthier. I am a good citizen. I had a great job. The ex had a great job. It all went to shit and now I am losing my home. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I have been dealing with the mortgage company for months and can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I have called the Hope Now hotline and got the run around there also. I wrote a letter to my Congressman that went unanswered. *sigh* This new wonderful Making Home Affordable Stimulus Plan that our President has designed is looking like it won't even help me.


I just want to type like every bad word I can think of right now to get out my frustration. I want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day and into the night. I want my Dad to come and fix everything like he used to. I want my Mom to fly here and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead I will wash my face and walk out the door and go to class for the night. I will pretend nothing is wrong tomorrow at work and just tell everyone my puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep are allergies.


Fucking grr .... So I guess the dream I had Friday night where I met the President at the White House and he told me that my house would be mine and everything would work out really was just a dream. *sigh*

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

Titles Suck ...

Dad,

I miss you! You would have been another year older today. At midnight I would have called you and sung Happy Birthday. I would have called you several more times throughout the day and sung it again. I would have bought some silly birthday card from me and one from the kids that they would all sign. Of course it would have a few scratch off lottery tickets in it. You would have me scratch them off ... I have yet to figure out why you always made me do that. More than likely you would win a few bucks.

I am willing to bet we would have eaten at Tio Pepe's over the weekend. Not tonight cause I didn't have the kids and I started school but you probably would have stopped by today just to see me.

FUCK!!! I miss you something fierce. Sorry potty mouth. I often wonder if you can see me. Are you proud? I am not giving up!! I will keep on pushing through the crap in life. Do you see my floors. I can only give credit to you for teaching me how to do that kind of stuff.

I know you are around. I keep finding pennies. I try to pick them all up but sometimes I leave them cause I am in a hurry. I always feel bad when I leave them. Someday I will have to explain the penny story so other people don't think I am totally nuts. Well as you would tell me "You are nuts" Ha ha ha

Anyways ... Happy Birthday Dad!

Love,
Your Oldest Daughter
ShannonAnne

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever. ~Author Unknown

Hallway Flooring, Power Tools and Dad

I hate having so many things to say and not knowing where to start. This seems to be a common problem for me. My brain very rarely has a moment to process one thought before I have moved on to the next. I sat down on my bed tonight intending to post one thing but my mind was going a million miles and hour and I am already ten thoughts down the road. I think the easiest way to get them out tonight is like this ....

1) The hallway is half way done.
2) I love power tools ... really I get excited and a bit turned on when I use them. ;)
3) If my dad was still alive he would be so proud of me.


Ok now let's see if I can get those out into paragraphs that make sense.

My goal today was to get the hallway flooring started and I did just that. It would be possible for me to finish it tonight but my back started hurting. Plus there was a beer in the fridge that wanted me to drink it. I didn't want to hurt its feelings. I am not sure anyone really wants to see pictures of my hallway floors halfway done but I am still going to post one. It's my blog get over it! And cause if I am ever down on myself I can go look at it and remember that I am really awesome.

My hallway ... don't be jealous




Oh yes I love power tools. I am not talking the ones you get at places like this .... Although those excite me also and that is another post all together. I am talking drills, nail guns, table saws, etc. When I started this flooring project a year ago I had to decide between renting all of the tools I would need and purchasing them. It was pretty much an easy decision ... I had to own my own power tools. I have to say that I get such a rush when I use them. Honestly I have to admit that I get aroused. If there was a man around when I was done using my tools I am sure I would jump his bones and do very dirty things to him. I am not sure why I feel so excited about using power tools and working on my house in this way. Maybe it is a power thing ... like I feel more powerful. Maybe it is a confidence thing ... I am able to do more than I give myself credit for. Maybe I am just a kinky freak that is turned on by power tools. Hee hee hee Who knows.


And with weird awkwardness after the last paragraph I will now talk about my dad. As I was working so very hard on my floors I had to stop and miss my dad. I was also so very thankful for him at that moment. It was my dad who taught me how to do things like this. My dad was a Handy Man in every way imaginable. He could design it, build it or fix it. The house I grew up in started out with 3 bedrooms and 1 bath. Dad turned it into a 4 bedroom 1 1/2 baths with a kitchen that opened up into the living room. I often helped him with what he was doing. Not a joke when we bought the house it had tiles on the ceilings. The kind you see in old school classrooms. Stapled right to the drywall. I spent hours with him tearing them down, scraping out staples and then sanding. When he tore down the funky wood paneling in the living room and put up drywall I was there helping. Electrical, plumbing, drywall, and more I was there by his side. Soaking it all up to take it with me down the road. Oh and I can change my own oil and probably the brakes on a Volkswagen if need be. He also taught me how to crochet. He really was a Handy Man.

He would be so proud of me for doing this on my own. So Dad ... wherever you are ... Thank you for everything you taught me while you were here. I can only hope that I can pass these wonderful lessons you taught me onto my kids. All 4 of them. :)

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown

Thankful for Mom

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I am thinking that if my Mom ever finds out about this blog she may fly up here and spank my adult butt for posting this picture of her. Oh I feel like that rebellious teenager all over again. Hee hee

Tonight is my "Thankful for Mom" blog. It's not Thanksgiving, Mother's Day or heck even Grandparents day but I wanted to acknowledge how Thankful I am for my mom. Maybe I will share this with her someday minus the blog part and picture. ;)

My mom lives like a gazillion miles away. Ok so it is not that far ... She is in Texas and I am in Oregon. It just feels like it is that far because we very rarely see each other. I've never been to Texas and she has never seen my home here (I've been in my house 10 years). It feels even farther away when I feel so alone here. Since my dad died I don't talk much to my Step-mom or sisters (that's another post).

Mom and I have our ups and downs. It has taken 18 years (since I had my daughter) for my mom and I to grow into the relationship we have. My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old. My brother and I would live one week at Moms and then one at Dads. I did this until I was 14 and that is when I told my mom I hated her and moved into dads. :( I was a spoiled brat and mean to my mom.

I have come to realize over the last few years just how hard it was for my mom (and dad) to be a single parent. My mom did a great job at not talking trash about my dad (which at times I am sure he deserved lol). She was and is a Soldier mom ... this is what she describes as the mom that keeps on going and does not give in to her kids or give up because life is pooping on you. I love when I call her to vent about one of my kids doing something that is driving me bonkers and she says "Be a Soldier Mom" or I hear a giggle and then I know she is going to say "Well Shannon, you know that sounds a lot like you when you were that age." I always deny that I was anything like my kids. ;)

Man oh man ... 10 years of soccer practices/games, homework that she would fight with me to do, slumber parties, countless nights staying up late or all night to take care of me cause I was sick (and I was sick a lot), letting me go live at my dads even though it must have killed her, dealing with a pregnant teenage daughter (while she was pregnant also ... I will explain) .... my list could go on and on. I may not have ever admitted it then but my mom was great. She was my Superhero.

I've been talking to my mom a lot this last week. I am dealing with a lot more than I have even begun to share here. After one of our conversations she said to me "Shannon you are my Superhero." Ok I cried when she said and I am crying now. That one comment from my mom meant so much to me. Sometimes as daughters I think that we feel like we can never live up to what our moms want us to be. At least that is how I have felt and I know that Mini-me has felt that way cause we have talked about it. By her telling me that I realized that I am doing just fine. Even when I feel like I am failing daily she is proud of me.

I was 15 before I stopped wanting my parents to get back together. Looking back now I am glad my mom was a single one and that she raised me the way she did. I am glad that she let me leave to live with my dad (again I know it killed her). She taught me so much more than I think she will ever know about being a single parent, dating, and just life in general. I am not sure I would be surviving single mom life if it was not for the great example my mom showed me.

I am so very Thankful for my mom :) I can only hope someday my kids can look back and see me the way I see my mom ... A Superhero!!

Frustrated ... and I wish it was just sexually

I was not going to write tonight. My day was long and sucky ... I just wanted to curl up in bed with Little Man and read. My brain is not letting me do that. :( It is all over the place and I am hoping by putting it all here I can not feel so restless. I imagine this will be a long one and I apologize ahead of time.

I guess the best place to start is with my day today. I have to say again just how much I love my job but days like today make me so exhausted. I got to work a few minutes late this morning. Partially because I was a slacker and was on the computer here at home lol and because I was not really wanting to go to work. Little Man has strep throat (took him to the Dr. last night). I hated the thought of him being alone all day. I am less than 5 minutes driving and he has a cell phone and knows the rules but he is only 9 :(. I couldn't take today off for way to many reasons to get into tonight.

The first hour or work seemed to fly by. About 9:15 I remember a student talking to me. I was looking at him but kept seeing spots. Like the little spots you see when you look at the sun. I honestly can't tell you what the student and I talked about because in the back of my head I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I must have just glanced outside and the bright light was causing the spots. I looked at my computer monitor, I tried covering one eye, I tried to read the poster across the room and they all had the spots. It was then that I realized I was getting a migraine. Not now! Not Today! The panic started creeping in ... I lose my vision with every migraine I get. I never know how long I will lose it for. It seems to get longer with each one I have. :( I was also thinking why am I having another one ... I just had one 3 weeks ago to the day ... and even the same time. It is rare for me to have more than 1 a year. What are the chances I would get 2 in a 3 week time period. *sigh* I told Ms. LG and Ms. TB what was going on ... they knew that I would refuse to go home (just like 3 weeks ago). They offered the couch in the break room and I refused. Yes I am insane lol. I chose to sit at my desk and wait out the vision thing and just deal with the pain that would come. Forty five minutes of not being able to see normally. I am pretty sure I prayed a few times that I would get my vision back before I had to drive home for lunch to check on Little Man.

I can work through the pain of most anything. I have worked an entire shift with a raging kidney infection before I took myself to the ER. Once my vision was back and I returned from lunch at home with Little Man my day did not give me time to think about the pain I was having. It was pure chaos in my office from 11:40 to 1:30. I had at least 20 kids that had some sort of health issue. Kids that needed meds, band-aids, ice packs, fevers, parents that couldn't be reached ... the list goes on. Add in a detention room that joins to my office that had a Sub working it today and he let the kids go crazy. I had to go in 4 times and tell them to sit and be quiet. I finally got the Principal and told him I was done with them.

The hardest part of my day ... yes even worse to me than my own migraine ... was the selfishness of a "parent". I should state now that the school I work at is pretty much made up of all low income (poverty) families. I realized this when I took the job and I can usually deal with the parents that don't care about there own kids but today I was well I had a migraine and I was just not happy. I adore all of the kids that I come in contact with. I hope that each of them can look back someday and see just how much I cared and that will help them make the right choices.

Anyways ... I had a student (let's call her Hippie Girl) come into my office shortly after 1st period started. She comes into my office a lot. She told me that she didn't feel good. I take her temp and she is normal. She knows the routine ... I send her back to class and she is fine with this. She always comes in on her lunch and visits me if I stay there for lunch. I saw her in my office as I was leaving and she seemed to be ok. Shortly after lunch she comes in and tells me that she doesn't feel good. I take one look at her and tell her to call home. She is a very lovely shade of green and I am not even concerned about her temp. She calls her moms boyfriend and he tells her to tough it out and go back to class. GRRR

In the middle of her phone call I have another student run in screaming at me that she can't breathe. Yes really she is yelling at me lol. Funny to me now that I am thinking about it. I of course have to take it seriously as she has been in my office twice already. I take this girl back to the health room to lay down and Hippie Girl follows. I take Hippie chicks temp and sure enough she is just shy of 101. I call screaming girls mom first where they proceed to get into a fight on the phone about going home. She does not want to go home and insists on staying then hangs up on mom. I then call Hippie Girls moms boyfriend and tell him that she has to go home that she has a fever. He tells me to let her walk home. I sign her out and let her go.

Screaming girl goes back to class only to return later and insist that she now needs to go home. GRR Just like I wanted her to all day. Shortly after my office returns to somewhat normal Hippie Girl shows up at my desk. Now I know I have a migraine and it has been a very hectic day but I have to admit I was very confused. So she tells me that she walked home and all of the doors are locked and she wants to call the boyfriend again. Of course I let her. He tells her that he won't be home for a few hours because he is playing Frisbee Golf. Are you E'fing kidding me??
It gets better ... Mom does not have a cell phone, her work number in our computer is at least 2 years old, Hippie Girl has no idea where mom works, and there are no other emergency numbers on file for her. GRRRRR!!!

We can't let her leave campus again and just wander. She can't be in my health room alone and I can't go back there for the rest of the day. The school counselor and I found her a soft chair and a blanket to sit in. She sat in that chair for 2 hours. :( When school let out I was worried about her going home and not being able to get it again. She asked to use the phone to see if anyone was going to be there. Moms boyfriend is not home and refuses to go home. :( My heart is breaking at this point ... I have to go tell the school counselor to see if we need to call CPS. She tells me to talk to the Principal. He informs me that legally nothing can be done and that if I will be in my office she can stay until 4. Her mom supposedly gets home at 430. I let her stay until I left at 415. She had a temp close to 102 at this point. :(

I just don't get how someone can have kids and just not care about them. :( I know that it is not easy being a single parent. I know that not having money is hard (I am not much better off financially than some of those families) but my God love your kid(s) no matter what and take care of them. Get off your freakin drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships or whatever and take care of your kid!!!!

Today my heart is so heavy and sad for so many of my students. :( If I could I would build a home for them all and take them in and take care of them.

In the midst of my very chaotic day I had a girl get her very first period. I so remember my first one and where I was and how I felt. I just became part of a girls memory for life. She will share that story with her kids and possibly their friends. I hope that she remembers today as one with good memories. :)

~*~*~*~*~*

Ahh man just letting all of that out I feel half way better. I want so badly to go to bed but I know I will end up with insomnia again if I do not let more out.

I am not even sure how or where to begin the next part. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I even think about writing this.

I miss my Dad ... the feeling the last few weeks has been so overwhelming and I keep trying to shove it aside. After 2 years of him being gone I feel as though it should not bother me this much but it does.

Shit this is so stupid. I have not written anything in a long while about my dad. I stopped posting it on my Mypace blog because I did not want my sisters to see it and upset them.

I am not trying to make anyone sad that might read any of this :( My dad died just a little over 2 years ago. Story below ...

- A Pleasant Hill man died in a car crash late Tuesday afternoon in a truck his daughter was driving.

Police say the 17 year old apparently lost control of the vehicle near milepost 11 on Highway 58 west of Lowell.

Oregon State Police say the teen had a valid learner's permit but not a driver's license.

"When we have an opportunity we will talk to her and get a better idea of what was going on. Her inexperience driving could be a factor," says Sgt. Alan Gilbert.

Witnesses told police the truck lost control and flipped off the roadway smashing into a tree.

54 year old Daniel K*******, Sr. was pronounced dead at the scene. His daughter was transported to Sacred Heart Hospital with minor injuries.

It was my little sister driving. She turned 17 the day before. It was 11 days after my birthday and right in middle of my divorce. :(

I am not sure I ever really dealt with his death. Well at least the right way ... ok not in a healthy way cause I am not sure there really is a right way to deal with death. I had dreams about him a lot up until a few months ago. The dreams always freak me out and leave me feeling funky for a few days but not having the dreams anymore makes me feel sad.

I know part of my missing him so much right now is because he is not here to help me fix my problems. He was always there ... he fixed it all for me. Right now I don't need a man in my life I need my dad. :(

Ugh :( Ok now that I got a good cry out and used a half a box of kleenex I can move on ....

~*~*~*~*~*

Last thing for the night ....

I am a person that has very vivid dreams while they are sleeping (in between my insomnia). Lately my dreams have been very bizarre. So last nights dream should not be any more bizarre to me but when I woke this morning I had hope and felt refreshed.

Without to much writing here my financial situation is not the best right now. I am very frustrated and scared at what the future holds for me. As I posted before I plan on going back to school. With all of my financial worries I am nervous about trying to go back to school when part of me feels like I should be getting a 2nd job to make ends meet.

I feel so weird sharing this dream ...

In my dream Matt from Matt, Liz and Madeline came to visit me. He came to meet me and help me set up a scholarship program for Single Moms that wanted to return to College but were worried about losing there homes. This was a program for Single Moms that owned their homes and worked full time but still couldn't make ends meet. In my dream I was surprised by his coming to help me and at first I couldn't figure out how I was going to help other women with scholarships when I felt like I had no money to give them. Not that my dream wasn't weird enough with him showing up to help me I had somehow come into money. Like a lot of money but I don't really know how I got it but there was enough for me to share it with others and help them make it like I had. In this crazy dream I never saw myself in College but I felt as though I finished it and was doing better in life.

The only other thing I remember was that Matt was with me and helping me because he had started a foundation and I felt that he was safe.

Ok that is my totally random dream and this morning I felt hopeful about my future. Even after my crazy ass day with a migraine and my crying above about my dad I feel hopeful.


Now I am taking my headache-y, exhausted, and hopeful self to bed.

Huh I just noticed that I started all of this Frustrated (my title which I started with) and am leaving it feeling Hopeful. :) This is a good thing ...