Good Times ...

Where to start ... It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Life is going well over in my world. :)

My faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds. Since March when I returned to church full time I have seen so many amazing things happen in my life (and my kids). I lost my home but God gave us a new one. I literally had no money yet He has provided in numerous ways ... from my Church paying a bill for us, to random money showing up from my insurance company, and random people at church (that I barely know) putting money in my pocket and whispering in my ear that they felt led to give it to me.

Our Pastor often says "God is Good" and the congregation replies with "All the Time". He then says "All the Time" and we say back "God is Good". Even on days where things seem impossible to me or the kids you will hear one of us say one of the above and the rest of us say the other part back. Seriously God is good. :)

I won't lie things are hard being a single mom (to 5). Mini-me had a cold this last weekend. Since she watches the baby daily guess who caught the cold ... that's right Baby B. Now Turtle has it. I am guessing the boys and I will soon get it. It sucks but to put a positive spin on it ... we've gotten at least one sickness out of the way for the season ahead. LOL Even with my faith I still have times where I am freaking out about everything and how is God going to take care of it.

I honestly can't remember how much I wrote about the troubles I was having at work at the start of the year but things have so changed. I was so dreading going back to work. Like seriously cried about it. Not just because I didn't want to leave my baby girl or that pumping would be hard but because I just don't get along with a certain person at work. I was expecting the worst but all I can say is that God has done some major changes. Changes in me and my attitude that I am sure is playing a part in this. We got a new boss and she is making some changes of the good kind. :) I admit it still not that place I want to be working at but I am seeing that I am there for a reason.

The Coach is still a tard and I don't have a whole lot to say on that. The Ex is also a tard but again nothing new there. Mini-me and I have agreed that we need to start documenting everything when it comes to both of them. You know just in case either of them decide to follow through with the threats they make.

If you have followed my blog for a while this might come as a shock to you like it did me. The Jeans and I haven't talked much over the last few months as life is just uber busy. We finally caught up the other night and I was sent into a state of shock when he told me that he was going to be a daddy. :-o I know that I have mentioned in previous writings that I know he and I will never be together but man that hurt. I cried. I was angry. I shared with him my feelings. Not surprising that the way I am feeling is the same way he felt when I told him I was pregnant with Baby B. It made me sad when he told me that he doesn't even love the woman. Made my heart break when he told me that he never thought he would have kids with anyone but me. He apologized over and over again. I know in my heart that he is  not the man that God wants me to be with but it still hurts. No matter how things turn out between us I will always love him.

As for my sewing stuff and getting a business going ... it's been slow going. Working full time has made it hard to sew as much as I would like. On the plus side ... there are a few people at church that know my desire to start my business so they have been getting the word out that I sew. I am currently working on altering a bridesmaid dress, replacing a zipper in a hooded jacket, making tutu center pieces for a baby shower and a baby quilt for that baby shower. :-o I made Mini-me a tutu this week for a photo shoot for her dance job.

I know I suck at putting up the birth story of Baby B. and I know I need to update with pictures. I am hoping that I can get to that in the next few weeks. Oh oh two last things ... My sister had her 2nd baby on Oct. 1st. and I got to be there for the birth. YAY! Birth is such an amazing thing. Last thing .... My birthday is this upcoming Wed. YAY!! Even though I found another gray hair this past week I don't feel like I am going to be 36 and I learned I don't look like I am. Someone thought I was 25 this week. Whoo hoo

I wish I had more time to blog. I always feel so good after getting everything out. :)

"God is Good"

"All the Time"

Joyful Summer Nights

It's been an emotional few days for me. I am seriously ready to meet this baby.
I have 11 days now to find a place to live and move out of my home of 11 years. I have yet to find us a safe place to call our new home.
Not having a job during the summer months always stresses me out. The lack of income is scary for me. I do have money set aside but with having to move and a new baby I worry.
I have God and that is where I have put all of my worries, stresses and fears. My faith is still intact and even though I see no hope I know that He has a plan for us and will take care of us.

On Monday it will be 11 years to the exact day that I gave birth to my sweet, cuddly, loving, Little Man. I am still in shock that he will be 11 and entering middle school in just a few short weeks.

In typical mom fashion I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I have come to realize over the last year or so that I don't have typical kids. They don't ask for big parties so they can get lots of gifts. They usually want to just do a lunch or dinner as a family. They ask for one big gift and maybe a couple of smaller ones. What has really surprised me is that they have all started asking for me to make them gifts. It started with Little Bird last August when he asked for a Disney Cars pillow. Not a pillow you sleep with but a throw pillow with a special cover made by me. He asked for another pillow at Christmas time. Mini-me asked for a blankie this past month for her 19th b-day. I am talking like a blankie that she could carry around like a toddler would. With soft fuzzy fabric and a dinosaur print. She has been known to carry it in her purse.

So when I asked Little Man what he wanted it was not surprising to me when he asked me to make him something. He requested a new body pillow with a personalized pillow cover. The boy seriously sleeps with like 4 regular pillows and a body pillow already. He buries himself in them and blankets every night. I spent most of Tuesday and part of Wed. of this week printing off letter templates, tracing, cutting fabric, ironing fabric and sewing it all onto black fabric to make a 20 x 52 pillow covering. Little Man loves origami. He takes origami paper with him everywhere. So what better font to use than an origami font. His name goes across the pillow in shades of yellows and greens. Each letter looks like folded paper. I can't wait to give it to him. :)

He will be getting other gifts but I wanted to do something special for him this year. He asked for a skate party at the skating rink but being that I am 38 weeks pregnant I told him not this year. We live next to the Minor League Baseball stadium. So I surprised him tonight by taking him to the game. Not only was it Friday night Fireworks night but all four of my kids set a World Record. :)

The stadium hosted a Mi Koo Jackson night. At the end of the game everyone was invited out to the field to participate in the first ever large group Moonwalk. Guinness World Records people were on had to witness the account. The group had to do the Moonwalk for 5 minutes straight around the field. Unofficial count was 649 people. So cool to think that my kids just made a bit of history. Silly/fun history but history. :) And memories that they will surely never forget.

Tonight was a good night. I was complimented several times by the people around me about how well behaved my kids are. How nice it was to see siblings that all got along and loved each other. Oh what a great mommy moment. :) My heart swelled with even more love for my kids and my God for trusting them to me.

It's been a long journey over the past 7 years and even though I spent a good bit of time crying the last 2 days. I love life. I love my life. I love that even though it has had some really crappy times I am stronger. God has made a huge change in me and I love it. :) I think about sometimes going back and reading older posts but I don't need to. I can feel the changes I've made without having to go back. :) YAY ME!!


I noticed I have a few new readers/comment leavers. I am so excited about this. I did not start this blog for anyone but me. It was my outlet and still is. I hope that some of my trials and joys can help you along whatever path you are on. :) I apologize up front if I don't respond back to your comments or if I don't leave one on your blog. Do know that I read comments and blogs.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown


We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Be Still

I am not very good at being still. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control I need to do something. It is so hard to just sit and wait. God however has me on this path of being still. I have been on this path for a few months now and I have learned so much about myself and others around me. God really has done some major work on and in me.

I have to personally admit that I am a little tired of being still. LOL I am not questioning God or his timing/plan. I am just starting to feel panicked. I know that this is when He is telling me "HEY SHANNON ... You need to rely on me more now than ever. Trust me. Have Faith. I have it taken care of."
My response back goes something like this ...
"Umm yeah God I do trust you. I have seen everything you have done for me over the past few years but why oh why do you have to take me all the way to the edge like this? Oh wait I know why ... You are building me up. Refining me. Making me stronger and more patient. You are wanting me to fully rely on you no matter what. (In my small little kid voice) ... Please God can I just have this baby soon and can you bring me a new home before I am homeless? I want it to be your time and plan Lord but man I am human and really struggling."

*sigh*

We have to be moved out of the house in 20 days. We have about 15 days to find a place and get it approved for housing assistance before we can move in. I trust God! He really has taken care of me but I am human and I am having a lack of faith moment and starting to panic.

On the baby front I fully believe she has decided to take up permanent residence in there. Saw one of the partners at my Dr.s office today. I am still at 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. Her head is at zero station which is pretty darn low. That explains the pubic bone pain and probably the hip/back pain. You would think with her head that low the pressure would efface me more and dilate the cervix ... sadly no. :( On a good note ... I gained back the 2lbs that I lost plus put on another 1/2lb. I was officially 140lbs today. Total weight gain ... 20lbs. :)

What's really hard about this being still is I am worried about having a baby and moving with in days of each other. It's me. There is no man in my life to help pack. To help move. I have had friends tell me they will help with the move. As will the church. I am sure they will but that requires me asking and I suck at that. I have pride issues. Probably something else God is going to whip right out of me. LOL

On a fun note ... Both Turtle and Little man are playing in softball and baseball tournaments this week. Turtles first game was last night and man on man was it epic. Twice my Turtle was the girl that tied the game up. They had to play 3 innings to break the tie to see who went on to tonights game. Normally they have a 2 hour time limit on these games ... last night was just over 3 hours. Can't wait to see how tonights game goes ... hoping it it isn't as long. LOL It was hard to sit in 90+ degree heat and hold my bladder. LOL

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Still here ...

I wish I could update and say that I was holding my sweet girl in my arms. However she is still incubating inside of me. I have gotten some sleep the last 2 nights. Thank God! Well minus the normal trip or two to the bathroom. :)

I have done so much walking over the last few days. I am bored out of my mind with it. I know that when it is her time to come out she will. I am just so uncomfortable. :(

Next Dr. appointment is Thursday morning. My Dr. is out of town until the 19th so I get to see the other Dr.'s in the practice. Not sure how those appointments will go. Really what I am hoping for is labor tonight. :)

Tomorrow it is supposed to be 95 degrees. When I am not pregnant that kind of temp makes me sick to my stomach and usually brings on a headache. Top my day off with a softball game for Turtle at 5pm ... the hottest time of the day here. I am going to be one majorly unhappy & I am sure sick pregnant woman. *sigh*

Can't miss her game. I am that mom that will drop anything to be there for her kids. I have to drive her to the game since Mini-me will be attending to Little Bird at his Breakdance class. Only person left to take her ... The Ex ... seriously I think he has missed almost all of her games.


Alrighty it is bed time for me ... been slacking on the quotes with my posts ... makes me a bit sad.

When I do have this sweet little girl I will for sure update here as soon as I can. :) If I can't there is always Mini-me to do it for me.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~Russel Baker

Labor Fears ...

First off thank you so much for the comments on my last post. :) I am doing alright ... I have moments like on Father's day when I passed The Coach and his girlfriend in her car and my heart hurts and I cry. Then I have other moments where I remind myself why I pulled away from the relationship and I move forward a little more.

Dr. appointment and ultrasound in the morning. I have not told The Coach about either appointment. I did however invite his mom to the ultrasound. :) She is beyond excited. Mini-me is coming also.

On to my real issue of the night. You would think after having 4 kids that I would be alright with the labor/birth thing. I had them all naturally ... yes that means no drugs ... feeling all the pain. Tonight however I am having a major panic moment.

The thought of labor pains is freaking me out. My labors tend to be very fast and intense. If my water breaks we are having a baby with in 20 minutes. No break between contractions. I have gone from 5cm to 10cm in ten minutes. My body does not mess around.

I have never had a birth without my mom or a husband being with me. Right at this moment I still don't have a "solid" person to be with me at the birth. What freaks me out even more is that I am not sure whomever I have with me will know me well enough to help me when I start to panic. I always have a small panic moment during birth ... My Mom and The Ex both knew this and I would tell them months ahead of birth how to handle me. They always did perfect. I don't have anyone to tell that to this time. :( Ok as I write this I know that I have God and this brings me comfort but I am sure He and you all will understand that sometimes just having a physical human next to you touching and comforting you is what we need.

As much as I am ready to have this baby I am all about her just you know coming out of me pain free like she has the 3 times in my dreams. LOL Kind of just falling into my arms ... *sigh* that would rock.

Seriously I long for a labor like Little Birds. Woke up in the morning with mild contractions. Walked around the house and took a shower. While in shower they got stronger. Decided that since my births go fast we should head to the hospital. Think we got there around 10am. Did the check in thing and got monitored. Contractions remained mild until around 6 that evening. Seriously I walked up and down the hallways playing an electronic Uno game. The only reason they kept me at the hospital was cause I was dilating and the monitor showed huge contractions (I just didn't feel them). Was checked and had made it to 7cm. They broke my water ... I panicked asked for drugs LOL Ex told me I would say that and reminded me that I had about 15 minutes and I would be holding Little Bird. Sure enough ... urge to push was upon me and I let my body do it's thing.

Can I just have that again?

Please don't suggest an epidural or any other drugs. Just not me. The thought of something in my back and not being able to feel my legs or move about freely freaks me out more than the pain of labor. I have some control issues in case you didn't know lol. I feel more in control with out the drugs than I would on them.

Whoo ... alrighty got that all out. Need to go meditate or sew or something to help me relax.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1833

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Follow Up ... The Coach

As I said Tuesday I would be back to finish what I started. So here I am and hopefully I can write it out clearly. Ignore typos I am to lazy to fix anything tonight.

Let's go back to Monday. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and the caller ID showed that The Coach was calling me. We haven't talked for I think it is about 6 weeks or so now. I am honestly to lazy to go back and look it up. Anyways ... I wasn't sure if I should answer the call or how to answer the call. I decided to answer the phone and act like we had never had any problems. So you know fake cheerful.

The first thing he asked was how was I doing. I said well I am pregnant with a little giggle. Then told him that I am uncomfortable and don't sleep much so I am tired. He then asked if we could get together sometime this week for lunch so that we could talk. I honestly was not able to speak for a moment. When I finally said something I told him that I had finals and it was a busy week and that I could only meet Tues. or Wed. He said ok then started asking how I really was and how the baby was doing. He was being very nice.

Long story short he actually agreed to meet Tuesday and we agreed on a time and place. Hung up the phone and wasn't sure if I wanted to vomit from the anxiety I held in during the conversation and the thought of seeing him or if I wanted to cry. I was with Mini-me and told her what we talked about. She had a few things to say about why he called ... not very nice things. Which I totally understand .... he has been a jerk. I told her we needed to think positive and maybe just maybe he had changed. Maybe God had been working on him as he had been working on me.

Tuesday was just a yuck day all together. I don't talk about work much because my blog is not private. Not that I share it with anyone but you never know who will come across it. However work has not been very nice to me for a few months. Tuesday was not a good time. I had 20 minutes after I left work to let go of my issues there and go meet The Coach. I was so nervous about what he might have to say and meeting him that I didn't want any of my work issues to affect the way things went with him.

I get to our meeting place on time only to find that their is no parking and that every high school boy is currently there eating lunch. I text The Coach and let him know I can't find parking and that maybe we should meet somewhere else. I also asked if he was there yet. No response so I found a parking spot in another parking lot all together. I called him ... no answer. I thought maybe he left his phone in his car and that he was inside waiting. So I drove around again, found a parking spot and went in. He wasn't there. I called him again and left a message asking if I had the right day, time and location.

Thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet he texts me and says he is sorry. That he was in a meeting and couldn't answer his phone. Then asks if I still have time to meet. I was still sitting in my car waiting. I texted back and said yes but told him I didn't want to eat where we agreed upon. We decided to go somewhere else and meet there. Another 20 minutes later he finally shows up.

Seriously I honestly believe the only reason I was so patient was because I have God in my heart. We got our food and I couldn't eat. I had been contracting for most of the morning and felt sick but didn't tell anyone. I also was just freakin crazy insane nervous about what he was going to say.

He started off with how sorry he was for not having any contact with me and not going to any Dr. appointments. He said he was sorry if it hurt me but after doing some thinking he felt it was better if we didn't have contact. He felt that the fighting we did and the fact that we couldn't get along was not healthy for me or the baby. It was better if he just wasn't around. He went on about how he wants to work out a parenting plan and that as the mother of his child he will always treat me with respect. He went on about other things that I have heard before but have never seen happen.

I couldn't look him straight in the eyes. We did when we first sat down and it was one of those intense moments. Where you could still feel the love and longing to be with the other person. We both had to look away. Even when he was done talking and I asked if I could say a few things I couldn't look at him.

I told him that he had hurt me by not calling, going to appointments or by checking to see if we were ok. BUT that I got over it and I forgive him, I told him that honestly I felt like God told me I wasn't supposed to contact him. I shared with him that I was back at church and that I was so very happy. That I was doing exactly what I wanted (God wise). I could feel that he was uncomfortable. :( I know at one point in his life he love God and lived a totally different life than he does now. I think he was uncomfortable because he has shared he wants that life back but for whatever reason he just won't go and do it.

It was so very hard to say those things to him. I started to cry. I held it in ... along with all of the other things I wanted to say. Like how much I love him. How much I miss him. How sad I am that things are not different between us.

What I did say was that I needed time to process the things he told me. I asked him what he wanted from this point forward and he said he wants to be at all of the appointments from now on. I asked about the labor/birth and he told me he will be there.

We left shortly after that because of course he had to be somewhere. It killed me when I watched him walk to a car that was not his. A car that I am 99% sure belongs to a new girlfriend.
On a side note ... as I was out at the college last night for my last class. Guess what car I see ... yep that one. His older son was getting out of it. In fact the woman driving it stopped so I could cross the road in front of her and she let his son out there. Ugh I wanted to puke :(

So I have an Dr. appointment tomorrow (Friday). The Coach knows this but does not know what time. He wants to go to it with me. I told him I needed to process everything. I really don't know what to do.

I have spent so much time in prayer over this. I love this man. It hurts me so bad to be around him and know that he is with someone else. So to protect myself from being hurt anymore it is easy for me to say I don't want him around for appointments or for the labor/birth. I honestly don't want to hurt anymore. So I just want to avoid. :(

I know that I can not avoid. I have asked God if I am to continue being still and not say anything to The Coach. I have asked if I am to call and tell him I am just not ready for him to be around. I have asked God if I am supposed to agree to letting The Coach come with me to appointments.
I know that God has a plan in all of this ... I am just having a hard time with it.

In my head I feel like if I be still that is not what God wants me to do. If I tell The Coach that I am not ready for him to be around then I feel like I am not letting God work in me (on my hurts/fears) or letting God work on The Coach. I keep thinking that maybe if The Coach sees my changes he will change also (God's plan). Then I come to the I agree he can come along and be there for it all and I panic. I can feel all the hurt and pain rising up in me and I lose my faith and trust that God will be there to hold me up through it all. UGH I hope someone can understand this ... or that someday I can read this and understand it.

This is so hard to explain ... After all of my praying I am not 100% sure on what I am to do. Today when I came home I sat down at my kitchen table. My Bible was there as was the Bible study book I have been working in. I am doing a study on Esther with the ladies group. Each week we fill in some notes from the video we watch. This week it said .... "Esther faced the fear"
It also said ... "She (Esther) had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" This may not mean a darn thing to any of my readers (If you've made it this far) but to me I am pretty sure it was God telling me "Shannon stop letting the fear/hurt take control. I am going to be here with you. You are to call him and tell him the time of the appointment. I Am (God) and will work the rest out. In you. In The Coach."

Even after that I still haven't called him. :( I am letting the fear control me. BLAH!!!!! It is almost 10 ... If I am going to make the call and tell him the time of the appointment I need to do it soon. :(

By the time anyone reads this post ... that's if anyone gets this far ... I will have either called him already or gone to my avoidance corner. Either way I could still use prayer. If you are the type to pray :) If not kind words are always welcome.

I never imagined this would be my life ... crazy how taking certain paths in life that look so awesome at the start can change so much as you walk it. Sometimes the path gets even better. Sometimes the path is like walking through fire.

This is me rambling to avoid ... Done avoiding. Going to call. Then I am sure cry my eyes and heart out to God.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

19 years ago ...

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.


Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.


Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

Dancers

So I officially have two dancers in my house. A few months back I purchased Breakin & Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo (Yes I grew up in the 80's). I had no idea that my purchase would cause Little Bird to become obsessed with the movies and breakdancing.

He has watched both of the movies so many times that the discs are scratched. When I say he watches the movies I mean he gets up and dances the parts out with the movie. He has cried when it's time for bed and the movie isn't over or when I tell him I am not sure I can watch it another time that day.

About 2 months ago we watched a dance group perform and I found out that they offer a boys breakdancing class. Who cares that I am losing my home and I am pretty much broke my son wanted to take the class. It helped that Mini-Me tried out for the same dance company and made their performance squad. We got a sweet family discount. :)

Today Little Bird danced at his first show. Not just any show but at the University. In the big rec center where the football players practice. I thought for sure he would get nervous and freak out. He tends to be shy at times and heck he is not even 7. Seriously I about peed my pants when he went 3rd in the showdown of breakdancers and he totally nailed it. :-o

He was so stinking cute. He didn't do the worm like he planned but he busted out all of the other moves he knows. The crowd was cheering him on :) He didn't even hesitate to jump out and start dancing. Whoo hoo!

I have another dancer and I couldn't be more pleased. :) Being the baby (not for long) he has had a hard time finding what he is good at. Mini-me dances, Turtle draws, Little Man origami and is very tech smart, and me I sew and am crafty in general. I am so glad he found something he loves to do. Even if it is just for a year or so considering he is 6 lol. :)


YAY for dancers. :)

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters
Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

On a funny (to me) side note ... Mini-Me who just learned to mow the lawn 4 weeks ago is currently out front teaching Turtle how to mow the yard. Cracking me up that a 18 year old girl (19 tomorrow) is teaching her 12 year old sister how to mow the yard. LOL I should probably go out and supervise. So both of my girls come back in with all of their fingers and toes.

No Longer Mine ...

I've lived in this house for 11 years. I believe that is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Been in this neighborhood for 13. I love it here. I love how close everything is. We've shopped at the same grocery store for 13 years. They know me. They know my kids. I don't live in a small city. There is about 160,000 people in this city. I'm not ready to move just yet.

My realtor called today to let me know that the bank has accepted the offer on the house. I was a bit shocked as I am doing a short sale and the offer is pretty low. We thought for sure the bank would reject it. Just waiting on the final paperwork from the bank saying that they accept the buyers offer. Once it's ready we talk closing date and when I have to be out of the house.

According to the realtor I have about 45 days before I will have to be out. That puts me right around the time I will be having a baby. Freaked out? Yes, yes I am. Trying to remember that God's timing is always perfect and I will be taken care of.

At this point I have no prospects of a new home. We are supposed to be getting housing assistance but they said it wouldn't be until after the baby is born. We also have to move into a 4 bedroom. Finding a 4 bedroom home that isn't in the worst part of town that I can afford is slim pickings.

Right now my biggest issue is that this is no longer my home. :( I spent a little time grieving today. Cried in my car on the way home from work. 11 years of memories. I brought 2 babies home to this house. I've laughed in this house. I've cried tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of grief. So many memories. I don't want to leave those memories just yet.

I know that a new home will bring new memories. We will laugh there. Cry there. Bring home a new baby there I am sure. It just won't be mine.

I'm doing some serious praying for that new home. That it is something I can afford. In a safe place for my babies and I. Praying for some guidance for myself and a little more faith in my God.

I believe some sewing therapy is in order. I posted this quote not that long ago ... but it is very fitting.

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Baby Update

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks pregnant with my Sweet Danielle (Dani). Yesterday morning I had a growth ultrasound to make sure she was on track.

Dani currently weighs in at 3lbs 2oz ... give or take a few ounces in either direction. :) Head and belly measured in on track but femur (leg bone) and humerus (arm bone) where measuring 2 weeks behind. I was a little freaked out and still have some concerns. My Dr. wasn't worried at all. She said that we can do another ultrasound at 35/36 weeks if I would like to check her out.

My concerns are due to my age and my risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I know that she had one possible soft marker at my 18 week ultrasound. Combine that with the measurements from yesterday and my age I'm just a little concerned. I am just the type of person that wants to be prepared. I would love her just the same if there was something wrong with her. :)

Since I have a history of delivering my babies early my Dr. won't be stopping any contractions or labor once I reach the 36 week mark. :-O That is 5 weeks away.
I had a little panic moment the other night when I realized that in about a month I will officially be a momma to 5 kids. A single momma to boot.

It's not really the single mom part that is freaking me out. It is the labor thing. All of my labors have been short, fast and easy for it being labor. I am talking minor contractions for a few hours then water breaking and 20 minutes later I am holding a baby. No medication births ... just the way I like them. For some reason I am worried that this one won't be as smooth. This scares me. The thought of a c-section or something going wrong is freaking me out.

My Dr. knows how I feel about epidurals and such but sadly the chances of her delivering is pretty small. I really need to sit down and write out my birth plan.
Yes at this point I am doing this labor thing alone. The Coach and I have not had any communication. :( I have had 3 friends offer to come and be with me if I need them. They don't care what time it is or what I need. Just to text or call and say get to the hospital. :) I love my friends.

Oh oh oh ... Cool things about the ultrasound ... She is head down!! Yippee!! She has been sideways-ish for a few months. I am thrilled she turned. Ms. Danielle has hair!! :-O Umm ok probably not a lot but you could see the little fuzz. I have never seen hair on an ultrasound but then again my babies have been pretty much bald at birth. I just want her to have a little hair so that I can put bows in it.

Contractions and cramping have been increasing but testing and cervical exam came back good. :) I can hold her in for 5 more weeks right?


I am off today. The Ex is taking the kids until tomorrow night. Mini-me is done with classes by 9:30. So we are going to take a road trip to the big fabric store. WHOO HOO!! I am off to blow dry my hair and get ready.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Loves & Struggles ...

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Sweet Little Blessings (S.L.B)

I am sure I have mentioned before that I love to sew. When I was a little girl and teenager I would dream up cute things to make. Sadly I did not have a sewing machine or anyone willing to teach me how to sew. I think it was around 8 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the tax return and purchased a sewing machine. I went to the library and got books to teach myself how to sew. I also used my best internet friend Google :)

Sewing to me is not just a fun thing to do. It is healing to me. When I see fabric I start a design process in my head and have to get it out. Once I start on a project I can't stop. It is an addiction to me.

My passion for sewing has inspired me to want to teach others. I currently taking business classes through the college so that I can start my own business. :) Someday I would like a big studio where students can come and learn how to sew. Clothing, quilts, fun little crafty items ... you get the idea. It will be a fun place to come to and hang out and learn. Not like the quilting shops here in town. They are stuffy, snobby, and act as though they are better than anyone else.
In the mean time I am working on teaching private in home lessons. All the student supplies is fabric I bring the rest.

I am also hoping to make a little money selling the things that I make. :) When I first started sewing it seemed logical to me to start with clothes. I thought it was great ... until I made my first quilt. I lost interest in making clothes ... expect for the jammie pants I make us all every Christmas. Now that I am expecting a sweet little blessing I have jumped back on the clothing wagon. I haven't given up the quilting. :) I have 3 quilts waiting to be finished ... they are on hold as the fabric I need to finish them is so new I can't find it.

I thought I would share some of the outfits I have been working on. I seriously am not a girly girl and neither are Mini-me and Turtle ... Sweet Little Danielle (Dani) is going to be girly girl for all of us. LOL It is hard to find patterns in newborn size so I am making most everything in 3-6 months at this point.

Peasant Dress
This is so much cuter in person
and I imagine it will be cuter on
a baby then the hanger :)

The first pair of shoes I've ever made.
I could use some practice :)
They are so tiny and cute

I whipped this pretty little number up today
Reversible Pinafore Top
Matching ruffle pants

This is the other side of the top
Obviously the letter "D" is for her name

Teaching Mini-me how to sew :)
This is the peasant dress she is working on
She might harm me for posting this picture
I am very proud of her ...
she has never sewn and is doing great so far
She loves zebra print and thinks Dani should also lol

A sneak peak The fabrics for Sweet Dani's next outfit
Ugh I can't wait to finish it ...
it's half way done on my living room floor.


A burp cloth
I am not sure I like very much
Need to work on this a little more

I will probably be starting a business/sewing blog soon. I am looking for a graphic designer to create my logo/branding items. Then the fun can really begin. My goal is to make enough money between private lessons and selling my items that I only have to work part time at my current job starting in the fall. I've really been praying about this ... so far all of the doors on this journey have been wide open. :)

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

Reading & Finding Myself

I don't want my readers to think that I never have anything positive to say. I have lots to say that is positive I just tend to write out the junk that weighs me down so that I can take another step forward in my journey.
I am learning to look for more positives daily. :) That weekly shot I get in my bum to keep me from contracting hurts when I get it and for days after but the positive is that my daughter gets more time to grow and be healthy. :)
Going from full time at work to part time and losing half of my barely there income hurts but positive side is that I am less stressed and I get more down time on the couch. Resulting in less contractions and again my daughter gets more time to grow in me. :)
Scared as I am on the inside I have been reaching out and crazy things have been happening. New people have come into my life. Good new people. People that I can trust. People that have been encouraging me. Reaching out for me is huge ... even harder with the depression that was killing me slowly. Positive side I am realizing people really love me for just me. The way I am ... flaws and all.
Friday was a busy day but seriously full of blessings. I met with a new friend and we talked for almost 3 hours. I learned so much about myself by just talking to her. I shared things with her and realized that I am not crazy in my thinking LOL. Ok well maybe a little but it's the good kind of crazy.

I came to some major realizations about my relationship with God. It was good. No really it was amazing. My new friend suggested that I read The Shack. I had heard of the book I want to say that I heard about it on T's blog about a year ago but I could be wrong. Anyways I am loving this book. I was warned that I might cry but funny thing I didn't cry where I thought I would.
I don't want to give to much about the book away for those who have not read it.
What I can say is that I realized just how much my God loves me. Really every tear I that has dropped from my eyes He has collected. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, fears, hurts ... you name it ... yet he still loves me. Shannon that has made so many mistakes in her life. Who has shunned Him. Ignored Him. Called Him every bad name I could think of and told Him he could go where the sun doesn't shine. Loves me :)That is so freakin amazing.

After some serious praying over the last few weeks about if I should write The Coach a letter or just hold for awhile I felt led to do it today. Almost 4 hours of writing and the letter has been sent. Not an easy letter to write. I keep praying he receives it just how I meant it to come across. Not as an attack. Not as judgment. Hopefully he can learn something about himself and maybe even me.

I am trying to organize myself a little better so that I can write daily. I have so many things to get out of me. Some good. Some sad. Some just to get out so that I can look back at someday.

I am taking my very pregnant self to bed. Picture was taken Friday afternoon. One day shy of 26 weeks. My belly is at the uncomfortable stage already. The next 10-14 weeks should be fun. Yes those are bags under my eyes. :( I have never been a good sleeper. Being pregnant and not being able to get comfortable is not helping the sleep problem.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Random Rambling

Today I feel emotionally drained.
I haven't had a good cry in over a week but today I feel as though I cried my entire day.
I did cry today. I was between classes this evening and as I sat in my car the tears just started to fall.
Sadness and grieving over my relationship with The Coach.
Realizing each day that umm I am having a baby ... alone ... again.
Relief at the way things turned out with my work situation. (had a meeting today with my boss, human resources and a union rep)
Struggling with letting go and not being a control freak and letting God take over.
At the same time realizing again that His plan is a billion times better than the one I envision.

So many changes in my life over the last few weeks. Heck over the last 7 years but the last few weeks I can visually see them. In myself. I am growing. Maybe in a way I am finally growing up.
I have always felt like I was stuck ... like I was this grown woman but there was a 12 year old insecure girl in me. She was stuck there. Hurts, broken hearts, harsh words, abuse, insecurities about her self worth were all holding her in there. I feel her slipping out. Letting go.
It's hard. I think I found a safety in being stuck.

Does this even make any sense? Just letting my fingers do the talking tonight. I should be in bed. However my belly is popped big time this past week and I am finding that getting comfortable and getting sleep is not always possible. I am also struggling with sleeping alone. I want my belly rubbed. I want to be cuddled and told I am beautiful when I am pregnant. I want all of this with The Coach.

I know why God has put me here. I know why The Coach can't be and shouldn't be in my life at this time. Just hurting. Grieving. Sad.

At the same time . I find peace in knowing God is changing me. That He has been holding me up the last few weeks. That I am not alone ... even though I feel like it at times.

About a week and a half ago I called my brother feeling frustrated with everything. Questioning everything even though I knew the answers to most of it. I need to grow. God is growing me. However my brother made a good point. He said ...
"When you prune a tree (or plant) to get rid of the dead stuff it hurts but you have to get rid of it so that new things can grow."
That's what God is doing with me. He is pruning away the dead yucky crap. The things that suck the life out of the rest of me ... the good growing parts of me. It hurts to be pruned. To let go. Even when I know that the dead yucky stuff would have killed me it is hard to let go of. I will let go. I want new growth. Healthy new growth. :)

I am now down with my random rambling for the night ...

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

A Quickie ...

Just a quick post to say I am still alive.
My Dr. and I agreed that half days at work would be the best thing for me.
Work however didn't like the idea ... it's been an interesting few days.
Had to get the union involved.
Have a meeting Wed. to clarify things.
Getting weekly shots of progesterone to keep me from contracting ... well to relax my uterus.
Side affects ... headache the day after and so very tired for 2 days.

The Coach hmm well he actually called and checked on me after I left to very long messages about how he needs to grow up and be responsible.

My Faith in God has been restored over the last few weeks. Seriously I can't say Thank you Jesus enough the last few days. I know struggles will still come my way but I am ready for the battles. :)

Hope to post more tomorrow. Working on getting my business going and need feedback ... hoping some of my lurkers will come out and help. I will need my regular readers help also. :) I am way excited about my new adventure I am taking on.

Night :)

Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. ~Walter A. Mueller

100 Posts and Bedrest

So according to my dashboard this will be post 100. Hmm I must be losing my mind because I thought I had already reached 100 posts. Oh well "Happy 100 to me" :)

So I spent the evening in labor and delivery. Having contractions. Nothing new for me. I am one of those oh so lucky people that is plagued with an irritable uterus. All of my pregnancies have involved preterm labor. Mini-me was the earliest born at 36 weeks. I was on bed rest for 10 weeks with her. Thanks to a small tear in her bag of waters at 26 weeks. Turtle had me on bedrest the longest at 18 weeks. Little man let me make it a little further than the girls but he kept me in and out of the hospital cause the meds never stopped the contractions. My sweet little bird he let me make it almost to 30 weeks before the preterm labor kicked in.

This little one has been causing problems since around 16 weeks. Since the "contractions" I was having then didn't change anything I was allowed to do as I pleased. Tonight however the on call Dr. wanted me to be on bedrest until I can see my Dr. which won't be until Wed.

My cervix is closed and high. A good thing. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative. Also a good thing. Nurse and on call Dr. suggested that I have my Dr. start doing ultrasounds to measure the length of my cervix internally.

Trying to figure out what I should do about work and school. Work has been hell the past few weeks. The main secretary has not been very nice to me about my medical issues. So she is going to be so not happy about me not coming in for two days. I think the stress of working with her is causing some of my contractions.

I read my contract stuff today about pregnancy and I am pretty sure with a Dr. note I can ask to have be cut back to half the time. Which would suck as I barely make $800 a month but keeping my sweet little one in me is pretty darn important. I can't drop my classes at school because I will lose my financial aid and have to beg for reinstatement.

The Coach was a major butt head tonight. Again I seriously just don't get how you can make a child with someone and be thrilled beyond thrilled and then just walk away and treat them like they don't exist or are some awful person. :( I had to do some major praying when he got there tonight. It literally took everything I had in me not to say the things I wanted to say. They wouldn't have gotten me anywhere anyways.

Guess I will watch a movie since I don't have to be up early.

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

Dear Readers,

I honestly have no idea who reads my blog but I want to know. Tonight when I got home there was a comment left that brought me to tears but the person did not say who they were or leave a link to themselves.
I want to thank you all that have left comments for me. I don't always respond back to you. I am not always sure what to say. I am often in a huge rush just to get a post out that I don't have time with my crazy life to respond to the comments.
I read them and each and every one of them makes me feel a little better inside.
I don't know any of you but I can feel that you all care and that means so much to me. Especially now when I am so depressed.

Please don't feel you have to post anonymously. I want to know who you are.

Really this is my thank you to all of you that have left comments. Encouraging me. Letting me know you care. It is keeping me going.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Shannon

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward
(I just did :) S~)