Baby B has arrived ..

One hour and one minute after my last post Baby B made her arrival in to the world. :)
She was born at 7:53 pm (PST).
She weighs 6lbs 4oz
She is 18 1/2 inches long
Apgars were 6 and 8 (she had some struggles)
and can I just say cuter than all get out. :)

She had a little trouble breathing and was a little blue but after some vigorous rubbing she got to crying and pinked up. :) She is a champion at nursing.

Mini-me got to attend the birth even after I originally said no LOL. I declined to cut the cord and let Mini-me do it. :) Talk about a special moment.

I will post pictures and a full birth story soon. Along with how I told The Coach and his reaction. LOL

Thank you all so much really for the positive comments and support. I really couldn't be more blessed in my life. :)

Oh and my other kids are IN LOVE with their new baby sister.

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

19 years ago ...

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.


Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.


Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

Dancers

So I officially have two dancers in my house. A few months back I purchased Breakin & Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo (Yes I grew up in the 80's). I had no idea that my purchase would cause Little Bird to become obsessed with the movies and breakdancing.

He has watched both of the movies so many times that the discs are scratched. When I say he watches the movies I mean he gets up and dances the parts out with the movie. He has cried when it's time for bed and the movie isn't over or when I tell him I am not sure I can watch it another time that day.

About 2 months ago we watched a dance group perform and I found out that they offer a boys breakdancing class. Who cares that I am losing my home and I am pretty much broke my son wanted to take the class. It helped that Mini-Me tried out for the same dance company and made their performance squad. We got a sweet family discount. :)

Today Little Bird danced at his first show. Not just any show but at the University. In the big rec center where the football players practice. I thought for sure he would get nervous and freak out. He tends to be shy at times and heck he is not even 7. Seriously I about peed my pants when he went 3rd in the showdown of breakdancers and he totally nailed it. :-o

He was so stinking cute. He didn't do the worm like he planned but he busted out all of the other moves he knows. The crowd was cheering him on :) He didn't even hesitate to jump out and start dancing. Whoo hoo!

I have another dancer and I couldn't be more pleased. :) Being the baby (not for long) he has had a hard time finding what he is good at. Mini-me dances, Turtle draws, Little Man origami and is very tech smart, and me I sew and am crafty in general. I am so glad he found something he loves to do. Even if it is just for a year or so considering he is 6 lol. :)


YAY for dancers. :)

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters
Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

On a funny (to me) side note ... Mini-Me who just learned to mow the lawn 4 weeks ago is currently out front teaching Turtle how to mow the yard. Cracking me up that a 18 year old girl (19 tomorrow) is teaching her 12 year old sister how to mow the yard. LOL I should probably go out and supervise. So both of my girls come back in with all of their fingers and toes.

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Baby stuff ...

I am no longer getting weekly shots to keep contractions away. Last Thursday when I went in I told the nurse about the rash, bump and itching and showed her the bump that was still there.
She spoke with the Dr. and we all agree that I am having an allergic reaction to something in the shot. It was left up to me if I wanted to try one more shot but since we don't know how my body would react to the shot I chose to skip it.
Now I sit and wait and see what my body is going to do. We are hoping that there is enough hormones (from the 4 shots I did get) to keep contractions from kicking back in. I am not holding my breath on this one. I started contracting some last weekend. Just a few short days after the 1st skipped shot.
Some contracting is normal as it prepares your body. Also normal considering I have been pregnant so many times. Not normal to have them for hours on end and have to breath through them. :( Bleck
I am just going to hang on to faith that my sweet Dani will stay put for a few more weeks and that I don't have to go on bedrest.

In other news The Coach still won't talk to me. He refuses to call and ask when appointments are. He will only text. I give the standard reply that if he wants to know he can call. He doesn't know about my allergic reaction or that I am no longer getting the shots. I did a ton of praying on whether or not I was to call him and tell him. After several days of crying and not knowing what to do I felt like God told me to just sit and be faithful to Him. So that is what I am doing. This is hard for me because I have so many things I want to say to the Coach. Not one will help the situation what so ever.
I anticipate a text from him some time this evening. As he knows my appointments are always on Thurs or Fridays. I am already praying about how I am supposed to respond.

I have a nice big round belly. So nice, big and round that people think I am due anytime now. When I tell them that my actual due date is still 11 weeks away they so kindly tell me I am huge. Why thank you lol ... Like I don't know how big I am. I love my belly :) It is huge. It is very round. It is mine. :) It is all baby. When you are only 5 feet tall it is to be expected that you look farther along than you really are.

My Mini-me is throwing a baby shower for me in June. I am pretty excited and nervous. I don't really like being the center of attention. Hard to believe really. I like attention but not all eyes on me and everyone awwwing over everything I do. Or having to touch my belly. That kind of stuff freaks me out. I feel like I am some sort of exotic display that has never been seen before. LOL
Excited because I have to admit I love getting gifts and gifts that are cute for a baby are even better. LOL

Off to take be taxi mom. 3 kids with practices ... 3 hours total of practices. Dinner should be interesting.

Loves & Struggles ...

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Sweet Little Blessings (S.L.B)

I am sure I have mentioned before that I love to sew. When I was a little girl and teenager I would dream up cute things to make. Sadly I did not have a sewing machine or anyone willing to teach me how to sew. I think it was around 8 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the tax return and purchased a sewing machine. I went to the library and got books to teach myself how to sew. I also used my best internet friend Google :)

Sewing to me is not just a fun thing to do. It is healing to me. When I see fabric I start a design process in my head and have to get it out. Once I start on a project I can't stop. It is an addiction to me.

My passion for sewing has inspired me to want to teach others. I currently taking business classes through the college so that I can start my own business. :) Someday I would like a big studio where students can come and learn how to sew. Clothing, quilts, fun little crafty items ... you get the idea. It will be a fun place to come to and hang out and learn. Not like the quilting shops here in town. They are stuffy, snobby, and act as though they are better than anyone else.
In the mean time I am working on teaching private in home lessons. All the student supplies is fabric I bring the rest.

I am also hoping to make a little money selling the things that I make. :) When I first started sewing it seemed logical to me to start with clothes. I thought it was great ... until I made my first quilt. I lost interest in making clothes ... expect for the jammie pants I make us all every Christmas. Now that I am expecting a sweet little blessing I have jumped back on the clothing wagon. I haven't given up the quilting. :) I have 3 quilts waiting to be finished ... they are on hold as the fabric I need to finish them is so new I can't find it.

I thought I would share some of the outfits I have been working on. I seriously am not a girly girl and neither are Mini-me and Turtle ... Sweet Little Danielle (Dani) is going to be girly girl for all of us. LOL It is hard to find patterns in newborn size so I am making most everything in 3-6 months at this point.

Peasant Dress
This is so much cuter in person
and I imagine it will be cuter on
a baby then the hanger :)

The first pair of shoes I've ever made.
I could use some practice :)
They are so tiny and cute

I whipped this pretty little number up today
Reversible Pinafore Top
Matching ruffle pants

This is the other side of the top
Obviously the letter "D" is for her name

Teaching Mini-me how to sew :)
This is the peasant dress she is working on
She might harm me for posting this picture
I am very proud of her ...
she has never sewn and is doing great so far
She loves zebra print and thinks Dani should also lol

A sneak peak The fabrics for Sweet Dani's next outfit
Ugh I can't wait to finish it ...
it's half way done on my living room floor.


A burp cloth
I am not sure I like very much
Need to work on this a little more

I will probably be starting a business/sewing blog soon. I am looking for a graphic designer to create my logo/branding items. Then the fun can really begin. My goal is to make enough money between private lessons and selling my items that I only have to work part time at my current job starting in the fall. I've really been praying about this ... so far all of the doors on this journey have been wide open. :)

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

100 Posts and Bedrest

So according to my dashboard this will be post 100. Hmm I must be losing my mind because I thought I had already reached 100 posts. Oh well "Happy 100 to me" :)

So I spent the evening in labor and delivery. Having contractions. Nothing new for me. I am one of those oh so lucky people that is plagued with an irritable uterus. All of my pregnancies have involved preterm labor. Mini-me was the earliest born at 36 weeks. I was on bed rest for 10 weeks with her. Thanks to a small tear in her bag of waters at 26 weeks. Turtle had me on bedrest the longest at 18 weeks. Little man let me make it a little further than the girls but he kept me in and out of the hospital cause the meds never stopped the contractions. My sweet little bird he let me make it almost to 30 weeks before the preterm labor kicked in.

This little one has been causing problems since around 16 weeks. Since the "contractions" I was having then didn't change anything I was allowed to do as I pleased. Tonight however the on call Dr. wanted me to be on bedrest until I can see my Dr. which won't be until Wed.

My cervix is closed and high. A good thing. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative. Also a good thing. Nurse and on call Dr. suggested that I have my Dr. start doing ultrasounds to measure the length of my cervix internally.

Trying to figure out what I should do about work and school. Work has been hell the past few weeks. The main secretary has not been very nice to me about my medical issues. So she is going to be so not happy about me not coming in for two days. I think the stress of working with her is causing some of my contractions.

I read my contract stuff today about pregnancy and I am pretty sure with a Dr. note I can ask to have be cut back to half the time. Which would suck as I barely make $800 a month but keeping my sweet little one in me is pretty darn important. I can't drop my classes at school because I will lose my financial aid and have to beg for reinstatement.

The Coach was a major butt head tonight. Again I seriously just don't get how you can make a child with someone and be thrilled beyond thrilled and then just walk away and treat them like they don't exist or are some awful person. :( I had to do some major praying when he got there tonight. It literally took everything I had in me not to say the things I wanted to say. They wouldn't have gotten me anywhere anyways.

Guess I will watch a movie since I don't have to be up early.

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

On a fun note

After sitting in my bed writing for several hours today I got a kick in the gut email but it was just what I needed. It hurt to read the words in it but that's cause they were true. Will write more about that later. So I pulled my head out of my little black rain cloud that seems to follow me these days and I am going to blog about something fun.
After we arrived in Ca. on Sunday and got settled in we decided that since a 2 day pass to Disneyland was the same as a one day that we would head on over to the park. :) My brother and his wife have annual passes so they went with us.
We only spent a few hours in the park but it was so nice to have just 4 of us and not the normal 20+ family members. I love my family but Disneyland with 20+ people at one time is chaotic.

When we arrived at the park all of us girls had to use the bathroom (especially me). So being the smart girl that I am I hand my camera off to my brother and jokingly say to him ... "Feel free to take some pictures of yourself"I should know better than to say things like that to him. A few hours later as I was going through the camera I found these ...

He looks so innocent ... Then I see these

The nose picking one was brought about from a conversation we had on the way to the park about this guy who digging away while he was driving. I was so grossed out. I made a comment about please tell me about your poop all day long before you pick your nose or vomit in front of me. Those two things gross me out. So now I have my brothers boogers on my camera I am sure. LOL

We went old school and went straight to watch Michael Jackson in Captain EO. I totally forgot just how cheesy that thing was but man when I was 12 I thought it was so cool. It was pretty awesome to get to watch it with Mini-me though.

We are so cool in 3D glasses :)

We hit Autopia next and enjoyed our little mini cars and bouncing all around the track. :) Took a moment to take pictures with the Matterhorn in the background.

Had a little fun in Buzz Lightyears Astro Blasters, The Haunted Mansion and Pirate's. Then headed home. Well alright we didn't go straight home. We don't go to Ca. just for family and Disneyland. We eat In & Out Burgers everyday ... so we made a quick stop at one on the way back to the house. :) Seriously the best burgers and chocolate shakes.

I need to get to sleep :( Something about Spring Break being over and work and school resuming tomorrow. *sigh* Back to the real world of ....

I will post more on our fun adventure this week. :) Mini-Me and I did something we would not normally do and it resulted in a lot smiles from others, some blushing, and some awesome memories.

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...

I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.

Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.

I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(

Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.

I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.

I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(

I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.

Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.

I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(

Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Can someone please help me find my faith?

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly

When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...

So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.

I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.

We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.

Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.

Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)

From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.

The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.

I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.

I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.

________________________________

I will post more later ;)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Good News and randomness

I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(

The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.

The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.

Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.

I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.

Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.

And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.

*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.

Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.

Happy New year ....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Hawaii Day 1

So we have been in Hawaii now for about a full day and a half. Our flight in was awesome as we got bumped up to first class ... long story but let's just say it had to do with an awesome Alaskan Airlines employee and a cute guy she was trying to sit me next to. Ahh I love when life gives you something great.

We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.

Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.

The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.

Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.

Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...

Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)

I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.

No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...

"Sometimes in life you are blessed with really great friends and life in general. This is one of those time. I am so happy right now"
~Shannon

Music Monday

I love music! All sorts of music ... well ok I admit that country is really not my favorite. I have come across a few people in my life that have introduced me to "new" music and have helped me broaden my musical tastes. I enjoy it when other people blog about music and put a video up or a link to the song. I have found a few new artists to add to my collection over the last few months.

I would like to keep adding my my music collection and broadening my tastes. I was hoping that my readers would like to share with me what they are currently listening to or what they have listened to in the past. I will be sharing also. In fact today I have picked a song that I fell in love with a few months back.

The Jeans introduced me to HelloGoodbye during one of my very late night/early morning visits. I immediatly fell in love with them. During another visit The Jeans asked if I was busy about a week later and if I wanted to go to a concert with him. Of course I said yes ... not even knowing who I would be seeing. When I asked he told me it would be HelloGoodbye ... and it would be 3 days after my birthday. They were amazing ... the venue they played in is one of my favorite places to see bands play.

Last August I had the pleasure of seeing them play again in Huntingon Beach, Ca. Right there on the sunny beaches of Ca. ... free concert. What could be better. Mini-me and I were about 4 rows back from the stage.

I am hoping to see them this August when they pay a return visit to Portland. I have already asked the Jeans to go with me. Along with Mini-me and 4 of her friends.

So my song of the week ...

HelloGoodbye
"The thoughts that give me the Creeps"

I can't wait to hear what you all have to share with me. I would love links to listen to or videos to watch. :)

Saturday Snippets

Not sure I will ever get to sleep in. Even though I am not working anymore I am still up at 530 thanks to the sun in my window. I try to fall back to sleep but usually toss and turn for a few hours and give up. Three days of the week I have been tanning to get a good base for Hawaii. I decided that since I can't sleep past 8 I may as well take advantage of the Happy Hour tan time in the mornings. $1 a tan ... really can't beat that. After I go tanning I have been walking about 2 miles. Trying to get the running thing in there when I can but I thought I had a stress fracture so I took it easy for awhile.

Today I am sad that I am not walking. Mini-me and I decided that we needed haircuts before Hawaii. Have to look cute ya know ;) Mini-me got about 8 inches cut off today. I think she is in a little bit of shock. I kept my length but had layers done again as it was just to straight and flat for me to do anything with. Aren't you all glad you are reading my lameness today. ;)

Now I am just sitting here waiting for Mini-Me to get back from a massage (her friends pitched in and got her a full body massage for her 18th B-day). We are going to watch the K-9 competition when she gets home. We have a friend that does K-9 patrol and they will be competing. Should be fun to watch the dogs in action.

Besides that my weekend is pretty lame. I've blocked out that tomorrow is Fathers Day. In fact I forgot until about ten minutes ago when I realized that is why my Ex wanted the kids.


I will be doing some sewing and trying to get things listed on Etsy. I know I don't have a ton of readers but I am tossing around the idea of having a contest. The winner would get a cute item made by me. :)

Man oh man I missed writing. So glad I have time to do this again. Only to be interrupted again when we leave for Hawaii .... In 10 days we will be on our way.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

I'm back and here to stay

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

Never enough time ...

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

Lyrics:
The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

Her last dance

It is just amazing to me how fast time is flying. Four years ago when Mini-me entered her Freshman year of high school I thought had plenty of time before she grew up on me. As I took these pictures tonight I wanted to cry. Prom ... the last big dance of the year. Technically the last big thing before she graduates. Four weeks from today she will be 18. Five short days later she will walk across the stage and accept the diploma she has worked so hard for.
A week ago she came into my room crying and crawled into bed with me and said "I am not ready to be a grown up." I hugged her and told her it would be ok and she would be fine. Tonight I am not ready for her to be a grown up and I think I am needing a hug and someone to tell me that everything will be fine.



The girls before we left to meet with everyone else

Mini-Me and her Boyfriend

Six couples and the single guy



It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings