Letting go ... this crap is hard

I cried tonight ... Ok really I sobbed. My face is swollen from crying and I look lovely with my mascara and eye liner smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks. Letting go of things in your arms to embrace the new things that are coming at you is so very hard.

As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...

I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?

I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.

Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*

I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.

This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Midnight Ramblings ...

I should be sleeping. It is hours past my bed time. I will be skipping church tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me just doesn't care. Was in a funk earlier this week now I feel wired. Sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar to some extent. So many things to get out not sure where to start ... hang in there for a long rambling midnight post.

Last weekend with The Jeans was very nice. He spent the night at my house Thursday after we went down and saw some friends. It is a very rare thing for him to stay here. He is one of the very few people that the door is even open to. I am very protective of my kids and who enters their lives. Anyways ... we stayed in bed most of the day as we had to pull an all nighter Friday night.

The ride a long was pretty uneventful. Totally ok by me though. I enjoyed my time just talking and looking at the million dollar homes. Nothing like being in a patrol car at 2 in the morning and stopping in front of million dollar homes that are for sale and jumping out of the car to grab the fliers to see what the house costs and the pictures of it. Oh yes that is what we did. Hee hee

We did pull one person over. The Jeans left it up to me if I wanted the person towed. Driving while suspended and no insurance. I figured the $700 in tickets he got for that was plenty for the guy to pay. We were nice and let the guys girlfriend come get him and his car.

Got back to his place around 9 am and I crashed hard in his bed. He stayed up cause well he is insane. He came in and slept with me for an hour before we both had to leave. Got home around 5 and realized that I had not eaten for 24 hours. Texted Select Friend and met him down at our favorite hang out. Enjoyed a big fat bacon cheeseburger and a few beers. Since I didn't have kids I stayed out past my bed time. Had a great time.

Sunday started of just grand with another fight with the Ex. He really is just a jackass. I can't even go into all of the details with out getting upset all over again. I can say that it pisses me off that I still let him have control over my emotions.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night (hey he works graveyards lol). Interesting conversation ... I mentioned that I wanted to go on a trip by myself for my birthday this year. Really a trip to Disneyland on my birthday BUT without my kids. This would be a major first for me. I have not been to Disneyland without my kids since I was a teenager. I have always wanted to go alone or with one person not the 25 that we normally go with. I know my kids will be upset that I am not taking them but I want and need to do this. Crazy ass shit happened next when The Jeans said "I will go with you. It would be fun to take a trip together." Holy Crap Batman!! I about fell out of my bed. He wants to go on a trip with me to Disneyland. My birthday is still 6 months away so I will have to see how this plays out.

Monday I posted this.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night and we ended up talking for most of the night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep. My lack of sleep didn't help my day on Tuesday. I was exhausted all day but that didn't stop me from meeting with The Jeans and going out for a friends birthday and St. Patricks day. Weird that this was our 3rd year celebrating this together. The 1st year and this year we went together. He paid for everything for me. And as usual everyone asked what was going on between us. *sigh* I had no answer to give. On the way to meet everyone he asked me "So how many people do you think will ask if we are dating?" I said "I had no idea. The thought never really crossed my mind that anyone would think that." I really didn't even think that anyone would ask. They always have in the past if we show up somewhere together but it's been almost a year since we have gone out together.

I remembered a few things late into the night 1) why I don't drink in the middle of the week 2) why The Jeans and I should not drink around each other with all of our friends around. For whatever reason St. Patricks day for us always ends up with one of us crying. This year was my turn. Way to much to post here tonight.

Wed. I was in a major funk from the lack of sleep I had gotten 2 nights in a row. Dehydrated from drinking and upset about how the night ended. Called The Jeans when I got off work and talked for a minute but he was at a friends visiting. Then going to another friends for the evening. I extended an invite for him to come over later that night.

Had an appt that evening at the College to finish registering for my classes. I am officially going back to school. I will be taking 2 classes in the Women in Transistions program. I am excited about these classes. I have heard great things about how they help women that are in transistion find the path they should be on. Oh and crazy me has decided to take a Hip Hop dance class for Pe Credit. I am taking it cause I like to dance and it will be a great workout. I will be in school 4 nights a week on top of working, raising 4 kids, and keeping my house clean. I am insane!!

I never heard from The Jeans Wed. night. I thought he was upset with me about Tuesday. Nothing really to be upset about though. Again can't explain that in detail right now but basically my insecurities hit full force Wed & Thursday.

Thursday I was in a major funk about not talking to The Jeans. Mini-me also left Thursday morning to go to Portland until Sunday. I cried when I left for work because I did not want her to go. Which made her cry. Then she texted me and made me cry and then she called and made me cry. I cried a lot on Thursday as did Mini-me.

All day Thursday I felt as though I was forgetting something. The date had a meaning but for the life of me could not remember what the importance of it was. Then while eating dinner with Turtle and Little Man (the ex kept Little Bird) it hit me. It was my Divorce Anniversary. One would think I would smile and be happy that I am no longer married to an abusive butthole however I cried ... for like the 20th time that day. I sat at my dinner table shoveling in my food while my kids sat across from me and I cried. Neither of them seemed to notice as they kept right on talking and eating. I did not cry because I wanted the Ex back or any of that nonsense. I cried because after being divorced for 2 years and apart for 3 on April 1 I feel like I have not gotten very far. I feel like I should have more to show or something. I don't know how to explain this. This isn't about dating or having someone in my life either. It's more about money and feeling secure financially and about where I am headed in life.

Went to bed early that night as I was tuckered out from crying. The Jeans texted me at 4 am. We texted back and forth for 30 minutes and then he called. We talked for another 15. Just our normal chit chat. He was still at a friends house not far from here. It drives me nuts when he asks me things like "Do you sleep better when I am next to you?" My answer is always "YES" and then he always lets out a little sigh after I answer. Is this his way of boosting his ego? Making sure that he is the one I want to sleep next to? His way of telling me he misses me? Or that he wants to be sleeping next me at that moment? He always tells me how great he sleeps when we stay together ... after we get up. When I was on the ride a long last week he turned to me and said "I wish we were still cuddling and sleeping on the couch." (that is what we were doing before we left) I agreed that it would be nice to be doing that. Then he joked around about how he wished the couch was deeper cause I am always falling off of it.

DAMN IT I wish he would just freakin tell me what the hell he wants. I am sure my readers would love a full 2 year story to understand why I am so confused. Someday I will get there.... I suppose. I have to admit that I am very tired of waiting but really as Select friend told me "You guys are starting over and you have to give it time." I just don't have any patience. Blah

Anyways ... as we ended our conversation Thursday night very early Friday morning I asked if he would be calling that night (For what seems to be our regular Friday night talk) and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.

Friday was pretty good minus the chaos at work and Mini-me calling me every 10 minutes sobbing. The work stuff was to be expected as it was the Friday before Spring Break. Everyone was itching to get the heck out of there. You ask anyone that works at a school that kids are always a little more out of control just before vacations or 3 day weekends. I swear more fights happen during those times also.

The Ex took the kids Friday for a bit after they got out of school so he could show them the new house that he and his girlfriend just bought. Oh yes you can't pay your child support but please go get a new home with your girlfriend. GRR I ran a few errands and met him half way to get the kids. Pizza was already in the car so the kids and I could have a movie night. Little Bird and I crashed by 10 and I told Turtle and Little Man they could watch another movie. Not normal for me to let them stay up so late or by themselves but they were so responsible about it. I thanked them this morning (something I am realizing I don't do enough of).

The Jeans called around 2 and could only talk for a minute as it was a busy night. He said that I should have been with him then. We talked about me planning another ride a long. This made me excited for many reasons. I get to spend more time with The Jeans and I get to do something I love. I would actually love to be a police officer. I however have made a promise to my kids that I will not be one. Little Man has the biggest issue with me doing that line of work. He has actually cried and begged me not to do it. He is terrified that something will happen to me. Also as a single mom being a cop is not an easy thing. So I have decided to be a teacher instead.

So that brings us up to today ... Saturday. It was a pretty laid back day. We all slept in ... which is rare for me. Then got showered and dressed and I took them to see Race to Wich Mountain. I would give it 3 stars while the kids seemed to really like it. We had a nice dinner together and then they all hunkered down on the couch and watched a movie together. While I came in here and started working on a new layout and background for my blog. You like it?? I also joined Twitter ... I need to see what all the fuss is about.

Now on to Mini-me ... I have come to realize just how much she and I depend on each other. She has called me crying every day since she left. Not just cause she misses me. Although that has come up at least 40 times. As I mentioned in Mondays post she is unable to dance. Being up at the State competitons has been very hard on her. She pretty much told me she is dying because she can't be out there dancing. It is not helping that her team mates have been very rude to her. They were not including her in anything. It is a tradition to get the girls all gifts for State. Well it crushed Mini-me when she was left out of getting gifts from some of the parents.

I have feel like a broken record. I have told her how great she is. How she needs to not worry about the girls and the drama. Blah blah blah blah ... even when things turned around today and her coach found her a costume so that she could dance in grand finale she still cried to me. I finally had to be "Mean Mom" I called her and said "Look you are going to dance Grand Finale. Who gives a flying freaking shit if the other girls don't think you should get to. Your coach found you a costume so that you could do it. She obviously wants you there. Shut up and be happy that you get this chance." She yelled at me "FINE MOM" and then hung up. A few hours later she texted me a picture of herself in the costume. She had done her own hair and make-up and looked awesome. I thought we were in the clear and done with crying.

I was so wrong. The team won 1st place for State so do you think Mini-me could be happy for her team. NOOOO she calls me crying again about how hurt she is that she couldn't be out there and she didn't win. I was a mom losing her patience. I can only take so much whining. Nothing was satisfying her. :( I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like she had never gotten to dance at State before. They won 1st place last year. This was not good enough for her. She again hung up on me. So I did nothing. Awhile later she texted that she was sorry and she loved me.

That girl has drained me the last few days. I have missed her something fierce but I could have done without the whining and crying. I hate to say this as it sounds mean but Oh my gosh I am so glad that dance team is over. Four years of whining and drama. I miss her dancing as she is amazing when she does but I can't do the drama.

Since I am playing catch up for the last week ... my 16 week challenge was put on the backburner the last week or so. I am still doing my menu planning and that is going well. Since it is Spring Break for me and I have this week off I plan on doing some major cleaning. It will be just Mini-me and I starting Monday and going until Thursday. No excuses!! I tend to get into a funk when it is vacation time and the kids are gone. This upcoming week has some dates in it that always bring me down. My dads birthday is also coming up. I can't get into a funk. No way can I let that happen. No going out either at least not for drinking. Maybe a movie for Mini-me and I but we can always watch one here together. My mom will be here somewhere around June 11 and I need to feel organized and proud of my house. Expect a Challenge update next week.

I feel so much better getting all of that out. Off to bed for me.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. ~John Burroughs

A quote for Sunday ... Edited Part 1

Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. ~Joseph Addison

At one point when I was married to My Ex I hated Sundays. He was in a line of work that required him to work swing and graveyard shifts. I dreaded Sundays and his ugliness. He was very cranky with all of us. You could often find him on the couch half asleep with a beer in his hand and sports on the TV. If we made to much noise or tried to change the channel once we thought he was asleep he would yell at us. I always felt so stressed on Sundays. I would often cry. At times I had a longing to go to Church but he would never go with me and I was terrified to go alone with the kids.

When I was a stay at home mom and married to him I was so very alone. Everything in my life revolved around the Ex and the kids. I did not have any friends. I was very insecure with myself. Some of those insecurities I brought into our relationship and others that he created in me. I was not good enough in many areas. No matter how I tried I was never good enough. I was lazy. I needed to workout. I needed to clean house better. Keep the kids quiet. The list goes on and on.

In March of 2003 when I found out that the Ex had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant I realized that I needed to make changes. I told him that the only way to save our marriage (as that is what he wanted) was to go to Church with me. He agreed and Sundays became my safe place. I put my life in Gods hands and thought that things were going to work out. I was so involved at Church that I was asked to speak at a Mother's Day event about forgiveness. I felt God was showing me that my marriage was going to last forever. That someday my ex would love God the way I have in my life. I thought I was to be some guiding light to leading his parents to Church with us.

Somewhere between the end of 2005 and February of 2006 we started fighting more. We stopped going to Church. His drinking was out of control. I started drinking with him and I was finally introduced to his coworkers and made friends. I am 99% sure he was having an affair with a coworker during this time. Just before our family vacation in March of 2006 we agreed that we would split up. We told no one. We decided that upon returning from our 2 week long vacation he would move out.

The night before he moved out he went out with a very good friend of ours. He did not come home until the next day. Neither of them would answer my calls or text messages. With in a few weeks he had moved in with the girl he met that night. I of course did not find out about her for 2 months. Almost a year to the day after we split up our divorce was final.

In the middle of my separation/divorce my Dad died in a car accident. I was so pissed at God for taking my world and tossing it around like it was nothing. I felt like all of the promises that He had shown me were lies. I couldn't imagine why God would do this to me. I once again hated Sundays but for different reasons this time.

To be continued ....

Thankful for Mom

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I am thinking that if my Mom ever finds out about this blog she may fly up here and spank my adult butt for posting this picture of her. Oh I feel like that rebellious teenager all over again. Hee hee

Tonight is my "Thankful for Mom" blog. It's not Thanksgiving, Mother's Day or heck even Grandparents day but I wanted to acknowledge how Thankful I am for my mom. Maybe I will share this with her someday minus the blog part and picture. ;)

My mom lives like a gazillion miles away. Ok so it is not that far ... She is in Texas and I am in Oregon. It just feels like it is that far because we very rarely see each other. I've never been to Texas and she has never seen my home here (I've been in my house 10 years). It feels even farther away when I feel so alone here. Since my dad died I don't talk much to my Step-mom or sisters (that's another post).

Mom and I have our ups and downs. It has taken 18 years (since I had my daughter) for my mom and I to grow into the relationship we have. My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old. My brother and I would live one week at Moms and then one at Dads. I did this until I was 14 and that is when I told my mom I hated her and moved into dads. :( I was a spoiled brat and mean to my mom.

I have come to realize over the last few years just how hard it was for my mom (and dad) to be a single parent. My mom did a great job at not talking trash about my dad (which at times I am sure he deserved lol). She was and is a Soldier mom ... this is what she describes as the mom that keeps on going and does not give in to her kids or give up because life is pooping on you. I love when I call her to vent about one of my kids doing something that is driving me bonkers and she says "Be a Soldier Mom" or I hear a giggle and then I know she is going to say "Well Shannon, you know that sounds a lot like you when you were that age." I always deny that I was anything like my kids. ;)

Man oh man ... 10 years of soccer practices/games, homework that she would fight with me to do, slumber parties, countless nights staying up late or all night to take care of me cause I was sick (and I was sick a lot), letting me go live at my dads even though it must have killed her, dealing with a pregnant teenage daughter (while she was pregnant also ... I will explain) .... my list could go on and on. I may not have ever admitted it then but my mom was great. She was my Superhero.

I've been talking to my mom a lot this last week. I am dealing with a lot more than I have even begun to share here. After one of our conversations she said to me "Shannon you are my Superhero." Ok I cried when she said and I am crying now. That one comment from my mom meant so much to me. Sometimes as daughters I think that we feel like we can never live up to what our moms want us to be. At least that is how I have felt and I know that Mini-me has felt that way cause we have talked about it. By her telling me that I realized that I am doing just fine. Even when I feel like I am failing daily she is proud of me.

I was 15 before I stopped wanting my parents to get back together. Looking back now I am glad my mom was a single one and that she raised me the way she did. I am glad that she let me leave to live with my dad (again I know it killed her). She taught me so much more than I think she will ever know about being a single parent, dating, and just life in general. I am not sure I would be surviving single mom life if it was not for the great example my mom showed me.

I am so very Thankful for my mom :) I can only hope someday my kids can look back and see me the way I see my mom ... A Superhero!!