Be Still

I am not very good at being still. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control I need to do something. It is so hard to just sit and wait. God however has me on this path of being still. I have been on this path for a few months now and I have learned so much about myself and others around me. God really has done some major work on and in me.

I have to personally admit that I am a little tired of being still. LOL I am not questioning God or his timing/plan. I am just starting to feel panicked. I know that this is when He is telling me "HEY SHANNON ... You need to rely on me more now than ever. Trust me. Have Faith. I have it taken care of."
My response back goes something like this ...
"Umm yeah God I do trust you. I have seen everything you have done for me over the past few years but why oh why do you have to take me all the way to the edge like this? Oh wait I know why ... You are building me up. Refining me. Making me stronger and more patient. You are wanting me to fully rely on you no matter what. (In my small little kid voice) ... Please God can I just have this baby soon and can you bring me a new home before I am homeless? I want it to be your time and plan Lord but man I am human and really struggling."

*sigh*

We have to be moved out of the house in 20 days. We have about 15 days to find a place and get it approved for housing assistance before we can move in. I trust God! He really has taken care of me but I am human and I am having a lack of faith moment and starting to panic.

On the baby front I fully believe she has decided to take up permanent residence in there. Saw one of the partners at my Dr.s office today. I am still at 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. Her head is at zero station which is pretty darn low. That explains the pubic bone pain and probably the hip/back pain. You would think with her head that low the pressure would efface me more and dilate the cervix ... sadly no. :( On a good note ... I gained back the 2lbs that I lost plus put on another 1/2lb. I was officially 140lbs today. Total weight gain ... 20lbs. :)

What's really hard about this being still is I am worried about having a baby and moving with in days of each other. It's me. There is no man in my life to help pack. To help move. I have had friends tell me they will help with the move. As will the church. I am sure they will but that requires me asking and I suck at that. I have pride issues. Probably something else God is going to whip right out of me. LOL

On a fun note ... Both Turtle and Little man are playing in softball and baseball tournaments this week. Turtles first game was last night and man on man was it epic. Twice my Turtle was the girl that tied the game up. They had to play 3 innings to break the tie to see who went on to tonights game. Normally they have a 2 hour time limit on these games ... last night was just over 3 hours. Can't wait to see how tonights game goes ... hoping it it isn't as long. LOL It was hard to sit in 90+ degree heat and hold my bladder. LOL

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Reading & Finding Myself

I don't want my readers to think that I never have anything positive to say. I have lots to say that is positive I just tend to write out the junk that weighs me down so that I can take another step forward in my journey.
I am learning to look for more positives daily. :) That weekly shot I get in my bum to keep me from contracting hurts when I get it and for days after but the positive is that my daughter gets more time to grow and be healthy. :)
Going from full time at work to part time and losing half of my barely there income hurts but positive side is that I am less stressed and I get more down time on the couch. Resulting in less contractions and again my daughter gets more time to grow in me. :)
Scared as I am on the inside I have been reaching out and crazy things have been happening. New people have come into my life. Good new people. People that I can trust. People that have been encouraging me. Reaching out for me is huge ... even harder with the depression that was killing me slowly. Positive side I am realizing people really love me for just me. The way I am ... flaws and all.
Friday was a busy day but seriously full of blessings. I met with a new friend and we talked for almost 3 hours. I learned so much about myself by just talking to her. I shared things with her and realized that I am not crazy in my thinking LOL. Ok well maybe a little but it's the good kind of crazy.

I came to some major realizations about my relationship with God. It was good. No really it was amazing. My new friend suggested that I read The Shack. I had heard of the book I want to say that I heard about it on T's blog about a year ago but I could be wrong. Anyways I am loving this book. I was warned that I might cry but funny thing I didn't cry where I thought I would.
I don't want to give to much about the book away for those who have not read it.
What I can say is that I realized just how much my God loves me. Really every tear I that has dropped from my eyes He has collected. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, fears, hurts ... you name it ... yet he still loves me. Shannon that has made so many mistakes in her life. Who has shunned Him. Ignored Him. Called Him every bad name I could think of and told Him he could go where the sun doesn't shine. Loves me :)That is so freakin amazing.

After some serious praying over the last few weeks about if I should write The Coach a letter or just hold for awhile I felt led to do it today. Almost 4 hours of writing and the letter has been sent. Not an easy letter to write. I keep praying he receives it just how I meant it to come across. Not as an attack. Not as judgment. Hopefully he can learn something about himself and maybe even me.

I am trying to organize myself a little better so that I can write daily. I have so many things to get out of me. Some good. Some sad. Some just to get out so that I can look back at someday.

I am taking my very pregnant self to bed. Picture was taken Friday afternoon. One day shy of 26 weeks. My belly is at the uncomfortable stage already. The next 10-14 weeks should be fun. Yes those are bags under my eyes. :( I have never been a good sleeper. Being pregnant and not being able to get comfortable is not helping the sleep problem.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Random Rambling

Today I feel emotionally drained.
I haven't had a good cry in over a week but today I feel as though I cried my entire day.
I did cry today. I was between classes this evening and as I sat in my car the tears just started to fall.
Sadness and grieving over my relationship with The Coach.
Realizing each day that umm I am having a baby ... alone ... again.
Relief at the way things turned out with my work situation. (had a meeting today with my boss, human resources and a union rep)
Struggling with letting go and not being a control freak and letting God take over.
At the same time realizing again that His plan is a billion times better than the one I envision.

So many changes in my life over the last few weeks. Heck over the last 7 years but the last few weeks I can visually see them. In myself. I am growing. Maybe in a way I am finally growing up.
I have always felt like I was stuck ... like I was this grown woman but there was a 12 year old insecure girl in me. She was stuck there. Hurts, broken hearts, harsh words, abuse, insecurities about her self worth were all holding her in there. I feel her slipping out. Letting go.
It's hard. I think I found a safety in being stuck.

Does this even make any sense? Just letting my fingers do the talking tonight. I should be in bed. However my belly is popped big time this past week and I am finding that getting comfortable and getting sleep is not always possible. I am also struggling with sleeping alone. I want my belly rubbed. I want to be cuddled and told I am beautiful when I am pregnant. I want all of this with The Coach.

I know why God has put me here. I know why The Coach can't be and shouldn't be in my life at this time. Just hurting. Grieving. Sad.

At the same time . I find peace in knowing God is changing me. That He has been holding me up the last few weeks. That I am not alone ... even though I feel like it at times.

About a week and a half ago I called my brother feeling frustrated with everything. Questioning everything even though I knew the answers to most of it. I need to grow. God is growing me. However my brother made a good point. He said ...
"When you prune a tree (or plant) to get rid of the dead stuff it hurts but you have to get rid of it so that new things can grow."
That's what God is doing with me. He is pruning away the dead yucky crap. The things that suck the life out of the rest of me ... the good growing parts of me. It hurts to be pruned. To let go. Even when I know that the dead yucky stuff would have killed me it is hard to let go of. I will let go. I want new growth. Healthy new growth. :)

I am now down with my random rambling for the night ...

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses

I am doing everything in my power to snap out of the depression that has sucked me into its black hole. Last night I emailed the rest of my family and informed them that I would be adding a new member to the family. I was honest in all of my emails about how I was feeling about things. It was very hard for me to be that open and honest about my feelings but I am glad that I was.

I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.

My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.

I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)

In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)

I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.

I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.




Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

What Street are You on?

Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Thank you ...

Thank you for the comments left on my last post. They meant so much to me. I debated about even publishing the post. I debated if I should take it down. It is not like me to let that kind of stuff out to other people ... or in this case to anyone that may come along and read my blog. I have a few close friends that know my struggles and I don't tell them everything.

Writing has helped me to deal with so many things in my life yet I still feel that I can't fully express myself. I worry what others may think if they read it. Will they judge me? Will they call me names and tell me I am wrong? Will they look down on me? Gee You think I might be a little insecure?

Why do I keep censoring myself when I really want to open up? I wrote my post yesterday to release the anger, frustration and fear. I kept thinking to myself as I was writing to just delete it. No one will ever see it. But I couldn't delete it. My fingers kept typing and I started to feel a little better. It felt good to just let it all out. It isn't the prettiest post but it is how I felt at that moment and I am glad I released it.

I found that going to my dance class last night helped also. I was feeling frustrated by the class last week and feeling like I couldn't do that dang dance. I took all of my frustration that I was feeling about the class and what happened yesterday and put it into the dance. Guess what?? I can do the dance!!! It is not perfect and I am sure it is not super pretty but I can do it. I can do it to the music at the fast pace and not just one step at a time.

I was still feeling a bit upset when I got home from class last night. What I really wanted to do was go buy some beer (kids are with dad) and a pack of cigarettes (I quit in November) and be pissed off and cry. Instead I decided to run. I was dressed for it already so I grabbed Mini-me's Ipod and ran.

The crazy part of this is ... I am not a runner. I have always wanted to run but my asthma gets in the way. Last night I ran and then walked and repeated the pattern for almost a half hour. It felt so good. The last few times I have been upset about things I have wanted to run. Run to escape everything. Run to clear out my mind. Run because I felt it would help. Run so that I wouldn't drink or smoke. I could picture myself running the last few times I was upset but never did it because I thought I would fail. I didn't fail!! I didn't fail!! I did it. I ran. It was not perfect or what others may call running but it was to me and I felt great. I will do it again and again and I won't be afraid of failing.

It would have been so easy to get the beer and cigarettes last night. I am so glad I didn't. Not that I am an alcoholic or anything like that. ;) But in the past when dealing with crappy things I have turned to those things thinking they would help me get through it. Instead they always made me feel worse. I love a good beer but I want to enjoy my beer not use it as a numbing agent for my crappy times.

I am not giving up the fight for my house. It is mine and I will fight until they take it from me or until they give up. I do not give up that easily. I mean heck I fought for my marriage for 3 years. I can fight for this house. I have been positive thinking since October and I have made it this far. I will keep on positive thinking.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back here before I head to bed. I am so proud of myself for making better choices in how I handled yesterday. I have been working on myself for almost a year now (well really a lot longer than that but the last year I have been really focusing on it). Changing habits that were unhealthy for me and for others around me. By making the choices that I did yesterday I really feel like I have grown. YAY ME!!

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda