Friday, April 30, 2010

Sweet Little Blessings (S.L.B)

I am sure I have mentioned before that I love to sew. When I was a little girl and teenager I would dream up cute things to make. Sadly I did not have a sewing machine or anyone willing to teach me how to sew. I think it was around 8 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the tax return and purchased a sewing machine. I went to the library and got books to teach myself how to sew. I also used my best internet friend Google :)

Sewing to me is not just a fun thing to do. It is healing to me. When I see fabric I start a design process in my head and have to get it out. Once I start on a project I can't stop. It is an addiction to me.

My passion for sewing has inspired me to want to teach others. I currently taking business classes through the college so that I can start my own business. :) Someday I would like a big studio where students can come and learn how to sew. Clothing, quilts, fun little crafty items ... you get the idea. It will be a fun place to come to and hang out and learn. Not like the quilting shops here in town. They are stuffy, snobby, and act as though they are better than anyone else.
In the mean time I am working on teaching private in home lessons. All the student supplies is fabric I bring the rest.

I am also hoping to make a little money selling the things that I make. :) When I first started sewing it seemed logical to me to start with clothes. I thought it was great ... until I made my first quilt. I lost interest in making clothes ... expect for the jammie pants I make us all every Christmas. Now that I am expecting a sweet little blessing I have jumped back on the clothing wagon. I haven't given up the quilting. :) I have 3 quilts waiting to be finished ... they are on hold as the fabric I need to finish them is so new I can't find it.

I thought I would share some of the outfits I have been working on. I seriously am not a girly girl and neither are Mini-me and Turtle ... Sweet Little Danielle (Dani) is going to be girly girl for all of us. LOL It is hard to find patterns in newborn size so I am making most everything in 3-6 months at this point.

Peasant Dress
This is so much cuter in person
and I imagine it will be cuter on
a baby then the hanger :)

The first pair of shoes I've ever made.
I could use some practice :)

They are so tiny and cute

I whipped this pretty little number up today

Reversible Pinafore Top
Matching ruffle pants
This is the other side of the top
Obviously the letter "D" is for her name

Teaching Mini-me how to sew :)
This is the peasant dress she is working on

She might harm me for posting this picture

I am very proud of her ...
she has never sewn
and is doing great so far
She loves zebra print and thinks Dani should also lol

A sneak peak
The fabrics for Sweet Dani's next outfit
Ugh I can't wait to finish it ...
it's half way done
on my living room floor.

A burp cloth
I am not sure
I like very much
Need to work on this a little more
I will probably be starting a business/sewing blog soon. I am looking for a graphic designer to create my logo/branding items. Then the fun can really begin. My goal is to make enough money between private lessons and selling my items that I only have to work part time at my current job starting in the fall. I've really been praying about this ... so far all of the doors on this journey have been wide open. :)

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Reading & Finding Myself

I don't want my readers to think that I never have anything positive to say. I have lots to say that is positive I just tend to write out the junk that weighs me down so that I can take another step forward in my journey.
I am learning to look for more positives daily. :) That weekly shot I get in my bum to keep me from contracting hurts when I get it and for days after but the positive is that my daughter gets more time to grow and be healthy. :)
Going from full time at work to part time and losing half of my barely there income hurts but positive side is that I am less stressed and I get more down time on the couch. Resulting in less contractions and again my daughter gets more time to grow in me. :)
Scared as I am on the inside I have been reaching out and crazy things have been happening. New people have come into my life. Good new people. People that I can trust. People that have been encouraging me. Reaching out for me is huge ... even harder with the depression that was killing me slowly. Positive side I am realizing people really love me for just me. The way I am ... flaws and all.
Friday was a busy day but seriously full of blessings. I met with a new friend and we talked for almost 3 hours. I learned so much about myself by just talking to her. I shared things with her and realized that I am not crazy in my thinking LOL. Ok well maybe a little but it's the good kind of crazy.

I came to some major realizations about my relationship with God. It was good. No really it was amazing. My new friend suggested that I read The Shack. I had heard of the book I want to say that I heard about it on T's blog about a year ago but I could be wrong. Anyways I am loving this book. I was warned that I might cry but funny thing I didn't cry where I thought I would.
I don't want to give to much about the book away for those who have not read it.
What I can say is that I realized just how much my God loves me. Really every tear I that has dropped from my eyes He has collected. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, fears, hurts ... you name it ... yet he still loves me. Shannon that has made so many mistakes in her life. Who has shunned Him. Ignored Him. Called Him every bad name I could think of and told Him he could go where the sun doesn't shine. Loves me :)That is so freakin amazing.

After some serious praying over the last few weeks about if I should write The Coach a letter or just hold for awhile I felt led to do it today. Almost 4 hours of writing and the letter has been sent. Not an easy letter to write. I keep praying he receives it just how I meant it to come across. Not as an attack. Not as judgment. Hopefully he can learn something about himself and maybe even me.

I am trying to organize myself a little better so that I can write daily. I have so many things to get out of me. Some good. Some sad. Some just to get out so that I can look back at someday.

I am taking my very pregnant self to bed. Picture was taken Friday afternoon. One day shy of 26 weeks. My belly is at the uncomfortable stage already. The next 10-14 weeks should be fun. Yes those are bags under my eyes. :( I have never been a good sleeper. Being pregnant and not being able to get comfortable is not helping the sleep problem.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Random Rambling

Today I feel emotionally drained.
I haven't had a good cry in over a week but today I feel as though I cried my entire day.
I did cry today. I was between classes this evening and as I sat in my car the tears just started to fall.
Sadness and grieving over my relationship with The Coach.
Realizing each day that umm I am having a baby ... alone ... again.
Relief at the way things turned out with my work situation. (had a meeting today with my boss, human resources and a union rep)
Struggling with letting go and not being a control freak and letting God take over.
At the same time realizing again that His plan is a billion times better than the one I envision.

So many changes in my life over the last few weeks. Heck over the last 7 years but the last few weeks I can visually see them. In myself. I am growing. Maybe in a way I am finally growing up.
I have always felt like I was stuck ... like I was this grown woman but there was a 12 year old insecure girl in me. She was stuck there. Hurts, broken hearts, harsh words, abuse, insecurities about her self worth were all holding her in there. I feel her slipping out. Letting go.
It's hard. I think I found a safety in being stuck.

Does this even make any sense? Just letting my fingers do the talking tonight. I should be in bed. However my belly is popped big time this past week and I am finding that getting comfortable and getting sleep is not always possible. I am also struggling with sleeping alone. I want my belly rubbed. I want to be cuddled and told I am beautiful when I am pregnant. I want all of this with The Coach.

I know why God has put me here. I know why The Coach can't be and shouldn't be in my life at this time. Just hurting. Grieving. Sad.

At the same time . I find peace in knowing God is changing me. That He has been holding me up the last few weeks. That I am not alone ... even though I feel like it at times.

About a week and a half ago I called my brother feeling frustrated with everything. Questioning everything even though I knew the answers to most of it. I need to grow. God is growing me. However my brother made a good point. He said ...
"When you prune a tree (or plant) to get rid of the dead stuff it hurts but you have to get rid of it so that new things can grow."
That's what God is doing with me. He is pruning away the dead yucky crap. The things that suck the life out of the rest of me ... the good growing parts of me. It hurts to be pruned. To let go. Even when I know that the dead yucky stuff would have killed me it is hard to let go of. I will let go. I want new growth. Healthy new growth. :)

I am now down with my random rambling for the night ...

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Quickie ...

Just a quick post to say I am still alive.
My Dr. and I agreed that half days at work would be the best thing for me.
Work however didn't like the idea ... it's been an interesting few days.
Had to get the union involved.
Have a meeting Wed. to clarify things.
Getting weekly shots of progesterone to keep me from contracting ... well to relax my uterus.
Side affects ... headache the day after and so very tired for 2 days.

The Coach hmm well he actually called and checked on me after I left to very long messages about how he needs to grow up and be responsible.

My Faith in God has been restored over the last few weeks. Seriously I can't say Thank you Jesus enough the last few days. I know struggles will still come my way but I am ready for the battles. :)

Hope to post more tomorrow. Working on getting my business going and need feedback ... hoping some of my lurkers will come out and help. I will need my regular readers help also. :) I am way excited about my new adventure I am taking on.

Night :)

Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. ~Walter A. Mueller

Monday, April 12, 2010

100 Posts and Bedrest

So according to my dashboard this will be post 100. Hmm I must be losing my mind because I thought I had already reached 100 posts. Oh well "Happy 100 to me" :)

So I spent the evening in labor and delivery. Having contractions. Nothing new for me. I am one of those oh so lucky people that is plagued with an irritable uterus. All of my pregnancies have involved preterm labor. Mini-me was the earliest born at 36 weeks. I was on bed rest for 10 weeks with her. Thanks to a small tear in her bag of waters at 26 weeks. Turtle had me on bedrest the longest at 18 weeks. Little man let me make it a little further than the girls but he kept me in and out of the hospital cause the meds never stopped the contractions. My sweet little bird he let me make it almost to 30 weeks before the preterm labor kicked in.

This little one has been causing problems since around 16 weeks. Since the "contractions" I was having then didn't change anything I was allowed to do as I pleased. Tonight however the on call Dr. wanted me to be on bedrest until I can see my Dr. which won't be until Wed.

My cervix is closed and high. A good thing. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative. Also a good thing. Nurse and on call Dr. suggested that I have my Dr. start doing ultrasounds to measure the length of my cervix internally.

Trying to figure out what I should do about work and school. Work has been hell the past few weeks. The main secretary has not been very nice to me about my medical issues. So she is going to be so not happy about me not coming in for two days. I think the stress of working with her is causing some of my contractions.

I read my contract stuff today about pregnancy and I am pretty sure with a Dr. note I can ask to have be cut back to half the time. Which would suck as I barely make $800 a month but keeping my sweet little one in me is pretty darn important. I can't drop my classes at school because I will lose my financial aid and have to beg for reinstatement.

The Coach was a major butt head tonight. Again I seriously just don't get how you can make a child with someone and be thrilled beyond thrilled and then just walk away and treat them like they don't exist or are some awful person. :( I had to do some major praying when he got there tonight. It literally took everything I had in me not to say the things I wanted to say. They wouldn't have gotten me anywhere anyways.

Guess I will watch a movie since I don't have to be up early.

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

Hurt again ...

I don't have time or energy to post everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I don't want to cry anymore today ... although I am sure I will be shedding so many more tears over the next few months.

The Coach has a new girlfriend. As far as I know they have been together for around a month or so. Didn't seem to stop him from telling me he loved me or have sex with me 3 weeks ago.

I am crushed. My heart is broken. Confused. Betrayed. So many other feelings.

I am having this mans child. He wanted this child. He told me he would not leave me. Yet look he has moved on. Just like my ex husband did while I was pregnant with our son. Just like Mini-me's dad did ... while I was pregnant.

I want to give up so bad on life. Seeing him with her last night killed everything in me.

So now that I have had this happen to me 3 times. I am done with love. Done with trusting.