Friday, May 28, 2010

Baby Update

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks pregnant with my Sweet Danielle (Dani). Yesterday morning I had a growth ultrasound to make sure she was on track.

Dani currently weighs in at 3lbs 2oz ... give or take a few ounces in either direction. :) Head and belly measured in on track but femur (leg bone) and humerus (arm bone) where measuring 2 weeks behind. I was a little freaked out and still have some concerns. My Dr. wasn't worried at all. She said that we can do another ultrasound at 35/36 weeks if I would like to check her out.

My concerns are due to my age and my risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I know that she had one possible soft marker at my 18 week ultrasound. Combine that with the measurements from yesterday and my age I'm just a little concerned. I am just the type of person that wants to be prepared. I would love her just the same if there was something wrong with her. :)

Since I have a history of delivering my babies early my Dr. won't be stopping any contractions or labor once I reach the 36 week mark. :-O That is 5 weeks away.
I had a little panic moment the other night when I realized that in about a month I will officially be a momma to 5 kids. A single momma to boot.

It's not really the single mom part that is freaking me out. It is the labor thing. All of my labors have been short, fast and easy for it being labor. I am talking minor contractions for a few hours then water breaking and 20 minutes later I am holding a baby. No medication births ... just the way I like them. For some reason I am worried that this one won't be as smooth. This scares me. The thought of a c-section or something going wrong is freaking me out.

My Dr. knows how I feel about epidurals and such but sadly the chances of her delivering is pretty small. I really need to sit down and write out my birth plan.
Yes at this point I am doing this labor thing alone. The Coach and I have not had any communication. :( I have had 3 friends offer to come and be with me if I need them. They don't care what time it is or what I need. Just to text or call and say get to the hospital. :) I love my friends.

Oh oh oh ... Cool things about the ultrasound ... She is head down!! Yippee!! She has been sideways-ish for a few months. I am thrilled she turned. Ms. Danielle has hair!! :-O Umm ok probably not a lot but you could see the little fuzz. I have never seen hair on an ultrasound but then again my babies have been pretty much bald at birth. I just want her to have a little hair so that I can put bows in it.

Contractions and cramping have been increasing but testing and cervical exam came back good. :) I can hold her in for 5 more weeks right?

I am off today. The Ex is taking the kids until tomorrow night. Mini-me is done with classes by 9:30. So we are going to take a road trip to the big fabric store. WHOO HOO!! I am off to blow dry my hair and get ready.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Baby stuff ...

I am no longer getting weekly shots to keep contractions away. Last Thursday when I went in I told the nurse about the rash, bump and itching and showed her the bump that was still there.
She spoke with the Dr. and we all agree that I am having an allergic reaction to something in the shot. It was left up to me if I wanted to try one more shot but since we don't know how my body would react to the shot I chose to skip it.
Now I sit and wait and see what my body is going to do. We are hoping that there is enough hormones (from the 4 shots I did get) to keep contractions from kicking back in. I am not holding my breath on this one. I started contracting some last weekend. Just a few short days after the 1st skipped shot.
Some contracting is normal as it prepares your body. Also normal considering I have been pregnant so many times. Not normal to have them for hours on end and have to breath through them. :( Bleck
I am just going to hang on to faith that my sweet Dani will stay put for a few more weeks and that I don't have to go on bedrest.

In other news The Coach still won't talk to me. He refuses to call and ask when appointments are. He will only text. I give the standard reply that if he wants to know he can call. He doesn't know about my allergic reaction or that I am no longer getting the shots. I did a ton of praying on whether or not I was to call him and tell him. After several days of crying and not knowing what to do I felt like God told me to just sit and be faithful to Him. So that is what I am doing. This is hard for me because I have so many things I want to say to the Coach. Not one will help the situation what so ever.
I anticipate a text from him some time this evening. As he knows my appointments are always on Thurs or Fridays. I am already praying about how I am supposed to respond.

I have a nice big round belly. So nice, big and round that people think I am due anytime now. When I tell them that my actual due date is still 11 weeks away they so kindly tell me I am huge. Why thank you lol ... Like I don't know how big I am. I love my belly :) It is huge. It is very round. It is mine. :) It is all baby. When you are only 5 feet tall it is to be expected that you look farther along than you really are.

My Mini-me is throwing a baby shower for me in June. I am pretty excited and nervous. I don't really like being the center of attention. Hard to believe really. I like attention but not all eyes on me and everyone awwwing over everything I do. Or having to touch my belly. That kind of stuff freaks me out. I feel like I am some sort of exotic display that has never been seen before. LOL
Excited because I have to admit I love getting gifts and gifts that are cute for a baby are even better. LOL

Off to take be taxi mom. 3 kids with practices ... 3 hours total of practices. Dinner should be interesting.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


So I get a weekly shot of progesterone to keep my uterus from contracting. Between working part time and the shot I think it is working. :) I have very few contractions. I am pleased with this.

However the side affects of having a weekly hormone shot on top of my pregnancy hormones is doing a number on me. :( The day after I get the shot I am cranky. I am tired. I almost always have a headache. Like a really bad headache.
The shot site is sore and it itches. Last Fridays shot left me with a small case of hives around the injection site. I still have a nice sized itchy bump there.
About 5 days after the shot I feel like I have been crying for days. I am emotionally drained. This is usually a Wed. That would be today. By the end of the day I usually do cry. No idea why ... I just cry. I feel like a bus has run me over physically by this day of the week also.

I know that pregnancy takes a lot out of you but there seems to be a pattern that has started since the shots. I am dreading that I have 8 more weeks of shots. :( If the hives show up again this week I am thinking a serious talk with the Dr. will be in order. I can't imagine that breaking out in hives is a good sign.

I remind myself everyday that I by doing this I give my sweet daughter a little more time to grow and be complete. Being a momma is seriously hard at times but I wouldn't change it for the world. :)

No quote ... I am just exhausted.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Loves & Struggles ...

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Smiling ...

Finished up the outfit I started last night for my sweet little Dani. I am so thrilled with how it turned out. I purchased this fabric over a year ago. I had no reason to buy it. I saw it and fell in love with it. I have admit that I have a fabric addiction and no I am not taking steps to find help. LOL I purchased this fabric in the pink/brown combo and in a blue/brown combo. She will have an outfit made out of both. :)

Top is reversible. The jean pockets are lined with the umbrella fabric. I can't wait until she arrives and can fit into the outfits I am making her. :)