Thursday, December 31, 2009

Good News and randomness

I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(

The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.

The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.

Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.

I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.

Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.

And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.

*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.

Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.

Happy New year ....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The wait has begun

I signed all the paperwork today to do a short sale on the house. I signed some in the office this morning when I went to the meeting with the company that wants to purchase the house. Then they brought a realtor over for me to sign all of that paperwork.
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*

The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.

Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.

So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.

I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.

As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.

All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)

I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)

OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Praying for a miracle ...

First off .. I had no idea you all would still read my blog. It really means a lot to me today to see the comments. :)

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Around 2am I finally turned off the computer and tried to get some sleep only to lay awake and toss and turn. My brain wouldn't shut down at all. Then like a bolt of lighting the idea came to me to call the company that was interested in the house a few months ago.

Back in July when I came home from Hawaii I had a company approach me about purchasing the house. I met with them but we (me and them) were all pretty positive I would be able to save it. They told me that if anything changed to give them a call. I didn't think much more about it because I really thought I would be able to save the house.

After the bolt of lightening thought struck me last night I went through all the negatives (that's just what I do). I thought there is no way they can help me with the house being sold on Monday. They will just laugh at me. I am embarrassed to call ... blah blah blah my list went on and on while I couldn't sleep.

This afternoon I decided to say screw it and I called. I explained the situation with the house being auctioned next week and the time constraints of the New Years this week and held my breath as I waited for a response. Ken told me to call the mortgage company right then and ask for a 2 week postponement on the auction. Tell them I have a buyer ready now but we don't have time to put a package together this week due to the Holiday. SHUT UP!!!!

After calling my mom again to ask her to pray even more I called the mortgage company. Of course I have to speak to a manager and they are all busy. I was told that I needed to get some sort of package put together and have it faxed no later than tomorrow. Off the phone with the mortgage company and back on the phone with the buyer.

I have a meeting at 930 tomorrow morning. I am really praying that this is the miracle that has been waiting for me. I just need a few weeks time on my side so I can get the money together to move and be able to pay my bills and stuff. This would buy me that time. It would also save what little good credit I have left.

Even though I have a meeting tomorrow and if all goes well and we fax it off I may not know anything until Monday the same day the house goes up for auction. Talk about a killer wait. This really is my last chance for anything to work out to help me in anyway.

I keep asking for prayer on Facebook but no one knows why. I can't bring myself to share with anyone on there what I am going through. I am still struggling with embarrassment of losing my house and the failure thing. I feel so much safer posting here. Even with pictures of me and my kids all over the page ... lol ... No one even knows I blog or used to.

On a really positive note my sewing machine was fixed and returned to me today WHOO HOO. I didn't really have the money to fix it but I need some healing and sewing does that. I am off to sew and pray for my miracle.

Damn it feels good to write. I can feel so many things relaxing and being released. :)

I have used this quote before but I really love it and it fits perfect.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Monday, December 28, 2009

6 months is way to long ...

It's been almost 6 months since I have written. I really wish that I could say that I was sitting down to write about how wonderful my life has been over these past 6 months and that is why I haven't written. Sadly I can not say that.

Not that there haven't been wonderful moments in the past 6 months. There has been. Right now looking back I see a ton of yuck.

What sucks more is that I really can not even write what is really bothering me right now. I want to say so many things but must figure things out before I open my mouth. I can't even say anything to the people around me and ask for advice or a hug. :(

I can write about the fact that in 7 days my home will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at the County Courthouse. Ten days later I will be homeless unless I come up with the money to move. Oh and a place to move to that I can afford. :( After 15 months of battling with the mortgage company I am officially losing my home to foreclosure. I keep praying that somehow some way a miracle will happen but it hasn't. I guess it's a miracle that I have even made it this far. Having a home to live in for the past 15 months.

Telling my kids the week before Christmas that this will be the last one for us in this house was one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. We have lived here 10 years. My boys were brought home from the hospital to this house. Besides living with their dad a few days a week this is their home. Their comfort place. Their safe place. And now it is being taken from them.

My depression is always bad at this time of year but losing my home and dealing with some other issues that can't be talked about ... I feel like I am being suffocated by it. On a good side note I am back in counseling and I love it. The woman I see is wonderful ... I found her 3 years ago around the time my dad died. She knows my current financial situation and is very kindly writing off part of my copayment each month just so I can see her. :)

*sigh* Man I have missed writing. I need to write more often as it really is healing to me and helps me release the good and bad. It gives me something to look back at and see how far I have made it. To remind myself I can make it through these times when another hard time comes along.

That is my rambling for tonight. Going to try to fix a sewing machine. Broke one last night :( Took it to the shop today. Pulled out my old one and will see if I can fix it so I can sew.

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. ~Francis Bacon