Good Times ...

Where to start ... It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Life is going well over in my world. :)

My faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds. Since March when I returned to church full time I have seen so many amazing things happen in my life (and my kids). I lost my home but God gave us a new one. I literally had no money yet He has provided in numerous ways ... from my Church paying a bill for us, to random money showing up from my insurance company, and random people at church (that I barely know) putting money in my pocket and whispering in my ear that they felt led to give it to me.

Our Pastor often says "God is Good" and the congregation replies with "All the Time". He then says "All the Time" and we say back "God is Good". Even on days where things seem impossible to me or the kids you will hear one of us say one of the above and the rest of us say the other part back. Seriously God is good. :)

I won't lie things are hard being a single mom (to 5). Mini-me had a cold this last weekend. Since she watches the baby daily guess who caught the cold ... that's right Baby B. Now Turtle has it. I am guessing the boys and I will soon get it. It sucks but to put a positive spin on it ... we've gotten at least one sickness out of the way for the season ahead. LOL Even with my faith I still have times where I am freaking out about everything and how is God going to take care of it.

I honestly can't remember how much I wrote about the troubles I was having at work at the start of the year but things have so changed. I was so dreading going back to work. Like seriously cried about it. Not just because I didn't want to leave my baby girl or that pumping would be hard but because I just don't get along with a certain person at work. I was expecting the worst but all I can say is that God has done some major changes. Changes in me and my attitude that I am sure is playing a part in this. We got a new boss and she is making some changes of the good kind. :) I admit it still not that place I want to be working at but I am seeing that I am there for a reason.

The Coach is still a tard and I don't have a whole lot to say on that. The Ex is also a tard but again nothing new there. Mini-me and I have agreed that we need to start documenting everything when it comes to both of them. You know just in case either of them decide to follow through with the threats they make.

If you have followed my blog for a while this might come as a shock to you like it did me. The Jeans and I haven't talked much over the last few months as life is just uber busy. We finally caught up the other night and I was sent into a state of shock when he told me that he was going to be a daddy. :-o I know that I have mentioned in previous writings that I know he and I will never be together but man that hurt. I cried. I was angry. I shared with him my feelings. Not surprising that the way I am feeling is the same way he felt when I told him I was pregnant with Baby B. It made me sad when he told me that he doesn't even love the woman. Made my heart break when he told me that he never thought he would have kids with anyone but me. He apologized over and over again. I know in my heart that he is  not the man that God wants me to be with but it still hurts. No matter how things turn out between us I will always love him.

As for my sewing stuff and getting a business going ... it's been slow going. Working full time has made it hard to sew as much as I would like. On the plus side ... there are a few people at church that know my desire to start my business so they have been getting the word out that I sew. I am currently working on altering a bridesmaid dress, replacing a zipper in a hooded jacket, making tutu center pieces for a baby shower and a baby quilt for that baby shower. :-o I made Mini-me a tutu this week for a photo shoot for her dance job.

I know I suck at putting up the birth story of Baby B. and I know I need to update with pictures. I am hoping that I can get to that in the next few weeks. Oh oh two last things ... My sister had her 2nd baby on Oct. 1st. and I got to be there for the birth. YAY! Birth is such an amazing thing. Last thing .... My birthday is this upcoming Wed. YAY!! Even though I found another gray hair this past week I don't feel like I am going to be 36 and I learned I don't look like I am. Someone thought I was 25 this week. Whoo hoo

I wish I had more time to blog. I always feel so good after getting everything out. :)

"God is Good"

"All the Time"

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly part 2

Well it's only taken me 6 weeks to find time to come back and finish the second half of this post. Trying to move forward and struggling ....

So when I left off I was a few months into my relationship with The Coach and I had told The Jeans I could no longer talk to him. Three months into my relationship with The Coach I should of walked away but I had fallen hard and my insecurities kicked in. I found myself turning into an old me that I hated but for some reason I couldn't break free and leave The Coach or my old self I was turning into. :(

I missed The Jeans I missed the Me I had been working on and finding. My relationship with The Coach was and sadly still is not a healthy one. I let things happen that I should have never let happen and I never should have stayed. I let someone have control over me. Something I said I would never let happen again. The crappy thing in all of this I really love The Coach and hoped for so much more. So I stayed ...

Which leads me to the secret I mentioned back here The secret that was killing me and I thought was going to end a friendship. I will be needing to change the title of my blog as I will no longer be Single Mom x's 4 .... In July it will be Single Mom to 5. Yep my secret is that I am having a baby. The Coaches baby to be exact. I have mixed emotions about all of this that I will get to and maybe if I have any readers left someone can help me with advice.

So the friendship that I thought I was going to lose was The Jeans. Back in November before I found out that I was expecting I pulled away from The Coach and the relationship. I started having anxiety attacks on my way to his place and I realized I couldn't stay in the relationship the way it was. Around the same time I was struggling with the house stuff and needed/wanted to talk to someone I trusted. The Jeans and I started talking again. I shared with him the house stuff and opened up to him about the relationship with The Coach and what had happened. I was starting to feel ok again ... not as depressed about everything because I had a friendship back that I loved and cherished.

Then my world came to a brief stand still when the test came back positive. I thought for sure that The Jeans would never talk to me again once I told him I was pregnant. Five weeks ago as I sat in my car crying I texted him and he called me back. I could barely get the words out between my tears but I told him everything. He assured me he would not leave me. We spent close to 12 hours talking in a 24 hour period. About everything he and I had been through over the past 3 years. He cried and told me he wished the baby was his. He finally admitted that he has loved me all along. I can't even begin to share how much I have cried the last 5 weeks.

I admit that I love The Coach and it is so hard to just end everything. Even harder now that there is a baby on the way. I can't stay though. I've tried to work things out but I am getting no where with him. He says he loves me and wants me but there is abuse in the way he treats me and I just can't do it. I kept hoping and praying that he would somehow go back to the way he was when we first met. I don't know what happened to that man or if he ever really existed.

So now I am single. Just shy of 17 weeks pregnant. Confused about how to handle things with The Coach. Even more confused about the situation with The Jeans. Really who would have thought that after 3 years and me getting pregnant by someone else he would finally admit his love for me? Add to it that I am living on barely any money. My depression has hit an extreme low. I haven't been this depressed since my ex husband left me and my dad died (with in 6 months of each other). I struggle daily to just keep going. Last night at 1am I had a major meltdown on the phone with The Jeans.

I need to clarify that I would never ever kill myself but I sadly in my thoughts I am understanding why someone would. Depression brings so many negative thoughts. I don't want to burden anyone with any of my problems. Not even my family. I am extremely embarrassed to be having another baby with a man I am no longer in a relationship with. I am losing my home. I can barely pay my bills. It's hard to open up to people when all you can think is how they will be judging you. So you hold it in pushing yourself further into a depression and a cycle of negative thoughts. :( I won't give up ... I have 4 ok technically 5 kids that need me and I remind myself daily of that. Also I don't want any of there dads raising them with out me lol.

Oh the other person I was afraid of telling the secret to (besides my mom) was my Mini-me. She and I are very close. She is one of my best friends. She does not like The Coach so I thought for sure she would flip out on me when I told her. I thought all of my kids would. However she handled it very well. She was upset and worried for a day or so but has really been amazing. I think I have done a pretty good job raising her. :) She is very excited now and has decided that The Coach can get lost and she and I will raise the baby. lol My other kids are just as excited (they didn't like the coach much either). They all do there fair share of belly rubbing. The boys tell me what I can and can not eat. Little Man was very concerned that I will get time off to be with the baby after he/she is born. Just writing this part makes me realize (once again) just how blessed I am with my kids. They don't care if we have to do this alone ... they trust me and have faith in me.

Look at all of my rambling ... It's a big jumbled mess but dang it feels good to get it out. If anyone actually reads this good luck understanding it. Maybe I should change my blog title to something like The Shannon Soap Opera ... Seriously though I am taking suggestions for a new blog title. One that will remind me to keep on fighting and not give up would be nice but incorporates my mommyness.

Ending with my favorite quote ... I am thinking someday this will be tattooed on me as a reminder. :)

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly

When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...

So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.

I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.

We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.

Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.

Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)

From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.

The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.

I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.

I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.

________________________________

I will post more later ;)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Good News and randomness

I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(

The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.

The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.

Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.

I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.

Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.

And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.

*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.

Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.

Happy New year ....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Music Monday

I love music! All sorts of music ... well ok I admit that country is really not my favorite. I have come across a few people in my life that have introduced me to "new" music and have helped me broaden my musical tastes. I enjoy it when other people blog about music and put a video up or a link to the song. I have found a few new artists to add to my collection over the last few months.

I would like to keep adding my my music collection and broadening my tastes. I was hoping that my readers would like to share with me what they are currently listening to or what they have listened to in the past. I will be sharing also. In fact today I have picked a song that I fell in love with a few months back.

The Jeans introduced me to HelloGoodbye during one of my very late night/early morning visits. I immediatly fell in love with them. During another visit The Jeans asked if I was busy about a week later and if I wanted to go to a concert with him. Of course I said yes ... not even knowing who I would be seeing. When I asked he told me it would be HelloGoodbye ... and it would be 3 days after my birthday. They were amazing ... the venue they played in is one of my favorite places to see bands play.

Last August I had the pleasure of seeing them play again in Huntingon Beach, Ca. Right there on the sunny beaches of Ca. ... free concert. What could be better. Mini-me and I were about 4 rows back from the stage.

I am hoping to see them this August when they pay a return visit to Portland. I have already asked the Jeans to go with me. Along with Mini-me and 4 of her friends.

So my song of the week ...

HelloGoodbye
"The thoughts that give me the Creeps"

I can't wait to hear what you all have to share with me. I would love links to listen to or videos to watch. :)

Confused about everything ...

I should be learning how to back my Durango into my driveway with a trailer on it but I got frustrated and gave up. It took me forever to learn how to back into my own driveway with just my car. I have no idea how I am going to learn this and not take out part of the house.

Speaking of the house I am at a loss. I spent a an hour talking to my mom today and at least another hour reading stuff online. My good mood that I was in has been drained from me and now I feel confused and scared (again). There has to be a way for me to save my home.

I applied for a job at the University this last week. Talked to a friend that works there in that department and asked him to see what my chances are. He wasn't super hopeful as he thinks the job was earmarked and they just had to go through the normal channels of hiring. It doesn't pay much more than what I am making now but it is 6 hours more a week and the benefits are great. Plus when you work at the college you get discounted tuition ... something I would love to have. Crossing my fingers it works out but not holding my breath. ;)

I met a boy. I say boy cause he is 10 years younger than me. I actually met him back in December through a friend. We have gone out in groups a few times but this last time in March he started texting me daily. He was actually the person that took me to the hospital on Easter.
So Boy and I have been hanging out daily. Movie watching and cuddling has happened and it was nice.

No idea what the heck is going on between The Jeans and I. Last Friday he called like normal but I admit to telling him I would call back and then not doing so. He called last Sunday and talked to me for over an hour and we both shared our struggles that were bringing us down. However last night midnight came and went and he did not call. I called him at 5am when I couldn't sleep and the conversation felt weird and strained. At the end of the conversation he told me that he had a friend riding along with him so that may be one of the reasons the conversation felt weird. I don't know anymore. For over 2 years I have wanted nothing more than to be with this man. I still want that but I don't want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind on what he wants in his life. Not just with me but everything he wants to do.

Bringing me back to Boy. So Boy has told me he likes me. Enjoys spending time with me and that we can talk honestly. Which we really do ... He knows all about The Jeans and my feelings for him. He is not bothered by the fact that I am juggling school, work and 4 kids. He encouraged me to keep going a few weeks ago when I came home from class in tears and feeling frustrated. Not just about the class but the house stuff.

I enjoy spending time with Boy and I admit that I like him but how do I know I like him for the right reasons? Do I really like him? Am I just feeling lonely and liking the attention he gives me? The age thing is not even a factor to me by the way. Both of my step parents are 10-11 years younger than my parents.

Yesterday he did something that left me almost speechless. My work had a Friday at Four to say goodbye to one of the teachers. I invited Boy to come along with me. We had a great time until we were on our way home. Boy was joking around and made a few teasing comments that hurt my feelings. My body language was very obvious that I was upset with him. When we got back to my house he needed to leave right away because it was raining and he had his motorcycle. He wanted to give me a hug goodbye and I walked away. He asked if I wanted him to come back and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was going to go for a walk in the rain as it felt good. About 10 minutes into my walk he called me and said to me that he was sorry for the way he was treating me and that he didn't mean to take it that far. He had wanted to leave the restaurant we were at earlier because it was starting to rain and didn't want to ride his bike home in the rain. He said that he didn't want to ask me to leave because I was having a nice time and enjoying myself and he knew that I needed that. He said he was sorry again and I told him that all he had to say was he wanted to leave and we could have worked out something. Like he could have taken my car and come back and gotten me in his car. He was surprised that I would have been willing to work out a solution. Basically what I am trying to say is this Boy apologized and we talked about it and it was nice. I can't remember the last time any "boy/man" has taken the time to apologize and talk to me like that. I am not sure I am even explaining it in a way that anyone reading this would understand.

Boy has now shown up to my house and I need to go to the store to get stuff for dinner. Full house tonight with 10 of us. Guess that means my writing time is over.

I'm here ... Really I am

I can't seem to catch a break the past few weeks. So after my post last Friday I was hoping my evening would be better. Heck I was hoping for a nice weekend. I did not get a nice Friday night and my weekend was confusing, painful and frustrating.

Trying to keep this all short as I have to get to sleep (which I don't seem to be getting enough of). Friday night I was going to meet Select Friend for a beer. I had 1 hour to talk with him and hang out before Mini-me needed my car to go do something. The kids were pushing each others buttons as I left the house but that is nothing new when I want to leave to do something by myself.

I was not even to the end of the street when Mini-me calls my cell crying and tells me that I have to come back right now. I ask why and she informs me that Little Mans head is bleeding all over. I wish I could say that I was very patient and calm but I was actually pissed off. I did my share of yelling at them.

When I walked in I found Mini-me and Little Man on the kitchen floor both crying. She was holding a wet wash cloth to his forehead. There was blood all over the floor, his hand and his shirt. Turtle was standing there looking helpless. I made the girls clean up the mess in the kitchen while I took Little Man into the bathroom to clean him up and see if a trip to Urgent Care was going to be needed. Of course it was going to be needed as that is my life. The Dr. did not stitch him up or even use liquid stitches (which I really wish he would of). No he used some tape and pinched it together and said that should do it. GRR Little Man has a good scar now right at the edge of his right eye brow.

So I guess what happened was Little Man wanted to call me right after I pulled out of the driveway. Mini-me was pissed at him so she "tossed" him the cell phone that was on the counter and it hit him in the face. Let's just say this mom does not believe that the phone was tossed and I let all of my kids know just how angry I was with them. Really I just wanted 1 hour of time with a friend to talk. It could of been worse ... so I will be thankful it wasn't. (I just reread the last few lines and I feel like a selfish mom in a way. Makes me sad.)

Saturday I ran away from home and went up to see The Jeans. (The kids were going to their dads for the night and for Easter.) I debated the entire week if I should go and see him. I am very confused and frustrated with the way things are going between us. This really is a story all in itself for another time. We spent a few short hours together before he left for work for the night. It was very weird to be in his place all by myself. My intention was to do my homework. I put it off until midnight as I was struggling with a paper I had to write. I cleaned his kitchen and made his bed instead. I am really good at procrastinating.

He came home from work the next morning and we talked for a bit and had a bit of fun. ;) Which left me feeling overwhelmed with emotions I was not ready for and could not handle. I left his house upset and crying. Driving home for 2 hours gave me a lot to think about. I am still not sure where we stand. However I do know that he cares enough to offer me money to pay my Emergency room visit co-pay.

Oh yes lucky me was home long enough to make the Easter ham and pull it out of the oven before I turned to Mini-me and told her that I needed to go to the Emergency room. I get UTI's and Kidney infections very easily. This one came on so fast and painful I literally thought I was dying. Only 45 minutes spent in the ER. Lots of good drugs to keep me out of work for 2 days.

Ahh I can't forget the mystery rash that appeared on Turtle on Sat. About an hour after I ran away Mini-me calls me and tells me that Turtle has a rash on her chest and her foot. I ask the usual questions what does it look like? What did she eat last? What soap did she use in the shower? (she had just taken one). Everything seemed normal and she was breathing fine. I told Mini-me to let the Ex know when he came to get them. Nothing I could do when I was already an hour away.

When I was leaving for the ER the Ex was dropping off the kids. I was floored when I saw that Turtle had a rash that covered her entire body including her face. She said it was not bothering here but I knew it meant she would be staying home on Monday (good thing I had a kidney infection and had to stay home). Took her to the Dr. on Monday to find out that she had a reaction to the Amoxicillian she was taking for the strep throat she had 10 days before. *sigh* Nine days into the medication before she had a reaction. She will not be taking that medication again.

So my work week was short as I missed Monday and Tuesday. It was crazy busy though and the kids at work were out of control. College sucks when you are sick. I managed to make it to my classes but don't remember much.

This being a single mom, working full time, and going to college thing is very time consuming. On top of all of that I am still working very hard on getting my house organized before my mom gets here. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and it will get easier. I just need to find a routine and I will be fine.

I am going to shut up now ... I really need to find a way to sleep. My mind is constantly going and I can't ever seem to shut it down. I hope to get more blogging time in this week. Really I have to blog ... to get the A grade in one of my classes I need to "journal" at least 2 times a week.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Stupid Computers ...

For whatever reason my home computer keeps telling me I do not have an internet connection. I see the little wireless connection that says I do but it won't let me connect to Firefox at all. *sigh* Special Friend will be getting a visit from me to fix what ever it is that I think my kids messed up. They were the last ones on it Sunday and I am thinking that they did something they shouldn't have.

So here I sit at my work computer. I just finished my homework for my class tonight. Thought I would take a moment and update anyone that reads my blog.

The Jeans parents are doing much better. They were discharged from the Hospital yesterday. I don't have the full details of what happened. Didn't have time to ask him.

School is going great. Hip Hop is kicking my butt. I am really enjoying the class though.

Off to eat a quick dinner before I head to class.

I miss reading my regular blogs. :( It is going to take me forever to catch up.

Hope to be back sooner rather than later.

Sorry no time to look up a quote so I am stealing this from the wall in front of me ...

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers

College, Bomb Threats and The Jeans

Holy Cheez-its Batman I am not even sure where to begin. I was going to just write about starting college but then Wed came along and so did the notice of a bomb threat to the school I work in and now none of that even seems to matter when The Jeans calls me and tells me the following ....

Jeans: "I can't talk long I only have a minute" (sounding exhausted)

Me: "What's wrong? You sound exhausted. Are you ok?"

Jeans: "I'm at my parents house They both got Carbon Monoxide poisoning and are in the hospital. My mom had a heart attack"

All I could keep saying was Oh my gosh and I am so sorry. :(

Damn it!!! My heart is breaking for him and I can not do anything to help. I don't know how it happened but I guess his sister found them. His parents live an hour from both of us. He lives one way I live the other.

I guess they were in the hospital here near me but they have been sent up to a bigger hospital near where he lives. It sounds like they are both in hyperbaric pressure chambers. They tried treating his mom today and they had to stop as she started getting sick and throwing up. He is at their house and can't go see them now cause it is after visiting hours. :(

If you are the Praying type please say a few for his parents. Weird as I type this I had to laugh and cry at the same time ... when I asked him what I could do he said "Say some prayers" We have had many talks about God and Religion and our beliefes ... I think I just learned more about him by those few words than I have in all our talks.

Sigh ... my chest is heavy with heartache. I want so bad to be there for him. Mini-me gave me permission to go if he called and needed me. I love that girl!

On a lighter note ... if you can say a bomb threat is a lighter note. ;)

I am a little leary about how much info I put on here about what happened the last few days ... umm actually weeks. I don't keep my blog private and I am not overly concerned that someone will find it and it will ruin my life but sometimes when you voice your opinion/thoughts it can come back and bite you in the ass.

Let me start with I love love love my job. I love where I work and I am very happy to say I don't have problems with anyone I work with.

On Wed. of this week at 9 in the morning (we had a late start) all of the staff was called to a mandatory staff meeting. We were informed that a little more than 2 weeks prior (the week before Spring Break) the librarian found a note in her office. It was folded and supposedly crumpled up a bit. She was going to just throw it away but decided to read it. On it was something written very close to this ...

"This school fucking sucks. On April 3 at 12:30 the school is going to be blown up."

I am not sure of all of the details but I am assuming that the Librarian gave the note to the Principal immediatly. I only say this because I remember the Librarian coming by my desk several times two days that week asking who had been in my office and detention. One of the was to her office is through mine. I have kids in and out all day. She would not tell me why she was asking. I didn't think much about it once Spring break started.

So Wed. we are told about the note. The staff was not to happy to just be finding out about this note. The Principal didn't feel it was a threat at all. He said that it was just a note. It could have easily have been thrown away by the Librarian and never read. If it was a real threat it would have been written on a bathroom wall or in a very visible place. He told us that they had looked at all of the kids they thought it might have been. What he kids they thought it could be I have no idea. Hmmm ....

The staff was buzzing all day into the ears of each other. I hear a lot where I am located at work. You could say I am like the Water Cooler where people come to talk and get info. The consensus was that no one was happy with finding out 2 weeks after the note was found. Oh and so not happy that there was no investigation to see if it was a real threat or to find the writer of the note and give them consequenses.

I found it very weird when the Principal stopped by my desk and asked to talk to me in his office late on Wed. afternoon. When I got in there he told me again why he didn't feel it was a threat and why he wasn't worried about it. I asked to see the letter as I had a student that week the letter was written that was having major issues. I wanted to see if it was that students writing. I told him who the student was and that the writing didn't even look close to the same.

Crazy ass shit happened next he called that student into his office and went through her locker. Again I can only say Hmmm. I have to admit I felt very weird about him calling me into his office to talk to me privately about his descion. He didn't talk to anyone else in private that I know of.

Thursday morning our computers were down so I went and sat on the other side of the office and hung out. I was asked by one of the Secretaries when I was asked for the info about who was in and out of my office that day and for the attendance. I told her that I was never asked for that information. It was then that I found out that the Principal was given the letter and did nothing with it. The only reason we were told about it was because one of the secretaries took it to the admin building and told them about it. WTF?? He didn't tell anyone?? Now I was questioning everything.

As if that wasn't enough drama ... Not one but two students on Thursday got very upset and both chose the wrong words to use. Oh yes both students threatened to blow the school up on Friday. This was also when I assume the Principal decided to investigate who may have written the letter. So they had an Officer come over and they went through the "high flyers" lockers to compare hand writing. Really 2 weeks and 2 days later and the day before the bomb threat is supposed to happen they decide to investigate it. Just a total coincedence that the two students said the things they did. However both students were suspended and hand writing samples compared. UGH!!

End of the day a staff meeting was called ... where the Principal yet again told us that he was not concerned about the letter and didn't feel it was a threat. One of the teachers asked why he told us now about the note and why the officer was there if they didn't feel it was a threat. The Principal said "Well because the threat is for tomorrow and I thought you all should know". HELLO?? When asked why he didn't tell us the day it was found or the next day he said that he didn't feel it was a real threat and didn't want to add more grief to our week because we had just had talks about budget cuts. He then said that he didn't think that telling us when they found the letter woud have made any difference.

Now I am not one to cause waves or rock the boat but I had to speak up. I said "Actually I think it would have made a huge difference. We could have been looking for the student that day when we all remembered who was in and out of my office. Now we have no memory and you are asking me who was in there." *sigh* I was asked around 1:00 on Thursday for a list of the kids from detention. Guess what no detention list for that day. Unable to be located. Hmm ...

We all left that meeting feeling frustrated. The only thing they were doing for us today was having a fire drill at the time the note indicated that school would be blown up. Oh and having two cops on campus during that time. Oh you betcha that made me fee so safe and confident.

Obviously I am here writing this out and there was no bomb at the school. I am upset though that things were handled in the way that they were. I talked to my Mom Wed & Thursday and she and I agreed ... A threat is a threat is a threat! Take them all seriously no matter how it is put out there.

The students that blurted it out got suspended and parents called. They were upset and the staff all agree it was a burst of anger that made them say it. A note found anywhere on campus should of been dealt with immediatly. Staff should have been notified right away. One of the staff members made a very good point ... This note was found before spring break, what if the student who wrote it was feeling suicidal. We could have been watching students for signs.

*sigh* Crazy crazy craziness!!! I have to admit that I was a little nervous today. I didn't sleep well last night. The chances of a middle school student making a bomb and finding a way to set it off at school are small but let's be realistic it could happen. These kids are having sex, doing drugs and drinking. They have access to guns. They have access to the internet where you can learn how to make bombs. Why wouldn't you take a threat written on a piece of paper seriously?

One last thing on this ... As a parent myself I would be extremely pissed off if I found out that there was a threat like this made to the school my child attended and I was not notified of it. I voiced that in the meeting yesterday also. Of course nothing was done to notify parents.


Ok .... I need to wrap this up

I had my first full week of College. I am way excited and scared. Did I mention I am taking a hip hop class? I am pretty sure I am the oldest student in the class. I feel like a complete idiot trying to do the freakin moves but I will not give up. I have committed myself to this class because I wanted to learn to dance and because it is a good workout. So I will look like a freak on crack trying to dance but I will do it with a smile on my face. :)

My other classes are in the Women In Transitions program. I am really excited about these classes. Don't be surprised if you see some of my work making its way to my blog. One of the classes is about Life Transistions and the other Career and Life Planning.

The Life Transistions book has some awesome questions in it. We don't have to do them as assignments but I think they will be so helpful for me to answer them. I want to keep track of my growth all in one place and this is that place.

I have also decided this week that I am insane for working full time, going to school 4 nights a week and trying to raise 4 kids and keep my house clean. The thought of all those things at once is what is making me scared. I keep telling myself "You can do this. You will not fail". I like the you can do this part ... but maybe I should change it from you will not fail to you will succeed.


Did you really just read all of that? If so you deserve a cookie or something. Go ahead go to your kitchen and get one. ;) I am so not done writing you may need it ...

As I was going through quotes to fit this mixed up post I had to smile when I saw the one below. I breifly told The Jeans about the bomb threat stuff when we talked. I laughed and said "I made it through the day and I'm not dead yet I plan on sticking around for a long time" He responded with this quote ....

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Midnight Ramblings ...

I should be sleeping. It is hours past my bed time. I will be skipping church tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me just doesn't care. Was in a funk earlier this week now I feel wired. Sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar to some extent. So many things to get out not sure where to start ... hang in there for a long rambling midnight post.

Last weekend with The Jeans was very nice. He spent the night at my house Thursday after we went down and saw some friends. It is a very rare thing for him to stay here. He is one of the very few people that the door is even open to. I am very protective of my kids and who enters their lives. Anyways ... we stayed in bed most of the day as we had to pull an all nighter Friday night.

The ride a long was pretty uneventful. Totally ok by me though. I enjoyed my time just talking and looking at the million dollar homes. Nothing like being in a patrol car at 2 in the morning and stopping in front of million dollar homes that are for sale and jumping out of the car to grab the fliers to see what the house costs and the pictures of it. Oh yes that is what we did. Hee hee

We did pull one person over. The Jeans left it up to me if I wanted the person towed. Driving while suspended and no insurance. I figured the $700 in tickets he got for that was plenty for the guy to pay. We were nice and let the guys girlfriend come get him and his car.

Got back to his place around 9 am and I crashed hard in his bed. He stayed up cause well he is insane. He came in and slept with me for an hour before we both had to leave. Got home around 5 and realized that I had not eaten for 24 hours. Texted Select Friend and met him down at our favorite hang out. Enjoyed a big fat bacon cheeseburger and a few beers. Since I didn't have kids I stayed out past my bed time. Had a great time.

Sunday started of just grand with another fight with the Ex. He really is just a jackass. I can't even go into all of the details with out getting upset all over again. I can say that it pisses me off that I still let him have control over my emotions.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night (hey he works graveyards lol). Interesting conversation ... I mentioned that I wanted to go on a trip by myself for my birthday this year. Really a trip to Disneyland on my birthday BUT without my kids. This would be a major first for me. I have not been to Disneyland without my kids since I was a teenager. I have always wanted to go alone or with one person not the 25 that we normally go with. I know my kids will be upset that I am not taking them but I want and need to do this. Crazy ass shit happened next when The Jeans said "I will go with you. It would be fun to take a trip together." Holy Crap Batman!! I about fell out of my bed. He wants to go on a trip with me to Disneyland. My birthday is still 6 months away so I will have to see how this plays out.

Monday I posted this.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night and we ended up talking for most of the night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep. My lack of sleep didn't help my day on Tuesday. I was exhausted all day but that didn't stop me from meeting with The Jeans and going out for a friends birthday and St. Patricks day. Weird that this was our 3rd year celebrating this together. The 1st year and this year we went together. He paid for everything for me. And as usual everyone asked what was going on between us. *sigh* I had no answer to give. On the way to meet everyone he asked me "So how many people do you think will ask if we are dating?" I said "I had no idea. The thought never really crossed my mind that anyone would think that." I really didn't even think that anyone would ask. They always have in the past if we show up somewhere together but it's been almost a year since we have gone out together.

I remembered a few things late into the night 1) why I don't drink in the middle of the week 2) why The Jeans and I should not drink around each other with all of our friends around. For whatever reason St. Patricks day for us always ends up with one of us crying. This year was my turn. Way to much to post here tonight.

Wed. I was in a major funk from the lack of sleep I had gotten 2 nights in a row. Dehydrated from drinking and upset about how the night ended. Called The Jeans when I got off work and talked for a minute but he was at a friends visiting. Then going to another friends for the evening. I extended an invite for him to come over later that night.

Had an appt that evening at the College to finish registering for my classes. I am officially going back to school. I will be taking 2 classes in the Women in Transistions program. I am excited about these classes. I have heard great things about how they help women that are in transistion find the path they should be on. Oh and crazy me has decided to take a Hip Hop dance class for Pe Credit. I am taking it cause I like to dance and it will be a great workout. I will be in school 4 nights a week on top of working, raising 4 kids, and keeping my house clean. I am insane!!

I never heard from The Jeans Wed. night. I thought he was upset with me about Tuesday. Nothing really to be upset about though. Again can't explain that in detail right now but basically my insecurities hit full force Wed & Thursday.

Thursday I was in a major funk about not talking to The Jeans. Mini-me also left Thursday morning to go to Portland until Sunday. I cried when I left for work because I did not want her to go. Which made her cry. Then she texted me and made me cry and then she called and made me cry. I cried a lot on Thursday as did Mini-me.

All day Thursday I felt as though I was forgetting something. The date had a meaning but for the life of me could not remember what the importance of it was. Then while eating dinner with Turtle and Little Man (the ex kept Little Bird) it hit me. It was my Divorce Anniversary. One would think I would smile and be happy that I am no longer married to an abusive butthole however I cried ... for like the 20th time that day. I sat at my dinner table shoveling in my food while my kids sat across from me and I cried. Neither of them seemed to notice as they kept right on talking and eating. I did not cry because I wanted the Ex back or any of that nonsense. I cried because after being divorced for 2 years and apart for 3 on April 1 I feel like I have not gotten very far. I feel like I should have more to show or something. I don't know how to explain this. This isn't about dating or having someone in my life either. It's more about money and feeling secure financially and about where I am headed in life.

Went to bed early that night as I was tuckered out from crying. The Jeans texted me at 4 am. We texted back and forth for 30 minutes and then he called. We talked for another 15. Just our normal chit chat. He was still at a friends house not far from here. It drives me nuts when he asks me things like "Do you sleep better when I am next to you?" My answer is always "YES" and then he always lets out a little sigh after I answer. Is this his way of boosting his ego? Making sure that he is the one I want to sleep next to? His way of telling me he misses me? Or that he wants to be sleeping next me at that moment? He always tells me how great he sleeps when we stay together ... after we get up. When I was on the ride a long last week he turned to me and said "I wish we were still cuddling and sleeping on the couch." (that is what we were doing before we left) I agreed that it would be nice to be doing that. Then he joked around about how he wished the couch was deeper cause I am always falling off of it.

DAMN IT I wish he would just freakin tell me what the hell he wants. I am sure my readers would love a full 2 year story to understand why I am so confused. Someday I will get there.... I suppose. I have to admit that I am very tired of waiting but really as Select friend told me "You guys are starting over and you have to give it time." I just don't have any patience. Blah

Anyways ... as we ended our conversation Thursday night very early Friday morning I asked if he would be calling that night (For what seems to be our regular Friday night talk) and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.

Friday was pretty good minus the chaos at work and Mini-me calling me every 10 minutes sobbing. The work stuff was to be expected as it was the Friday before Spring Break. Everyone was itching to get the heck out of there. You ask anyone that works at a school that kids are always a little more out of control just before vacations or 3 day weekends. I swear more fights happen during those times also.

The Ex took the kids Friday for a bit after they got out of school so he could show them the new house that he and his girlfriend just bought. Oh yes you can't pay your child support but please go get a new home with your girlfriend. GRR I ran a few errands and met him half way to get the kids. Pizza was already in the car so the kids and I could have a movie night. Little Bird and I crashed by 10 and I told Turtle and Little Man they could watch another movie. Not normal for me to let them stay up so late or by themselves but they were so responsible about it. I thanked them this morning (something I am realizing I don't do enough of).

The Jeans called around 2 and could only talk for a minute as it was a busy night. He said that I should have been with him then. We talked about me planning another ride a long. This made me excited for many reasons. I get to spend more time with The Jeans and I get to do something I love. I would actually love to be a police officer. I however have made a promise to my kids that I will not be one. Little Man has the biggest issue with me doing that line of work. He has actually cried and begged me not to do it. He is terrified that something will happen to me. Also as a single mom being a cop is not an easy thing. So I have decided to be a teacher instead.

So that brings us up to today ... Saturday. It was a pretty laid back day. We all slept in ... which is rare for me. Then got showered and dressed and I took them to see Race to Wich Mountain. I would give it 3 stars while the kids seemed to really like it. We had a nice dinner together and then they all hunkered down on the couch and watched a movie together. While I came in here and started working on a new layout and background for my blog. You like it?? I also joined Twitter ... I need to see what all the fuss is about.

Now on to Mini-me ... I have come to realize just how much she and I depend on each other. She has called me crying every day since she left. Not just cause she misses me. Although that has come up at least 40 times. As I mentioned in Mondays post she is unable to dance. Being up at the State competitons has been very hard on her. She pretty much told me she is dying because she can't be out there dancing. It is not helping that her team mates have been very rude to her. They were not including her in anything. It is a tradition to get the girls all gifts for State. Well it crushed Mini-me when she was left out of getting gifts from some of the parents.

I have feel like a broken record. I have told her how great she is. How she needs to not worry about the girls and the drama. Blah blah blah blah ... even when things turned around today and her coach found her a costume so that she could dance in grand finale she still cried to me. I finally had to be "Mean Mom" I called her and said "Look you are going to dance Grand Finale. Who gives a flying freaking shit if the other girls don't think you should get to. Your coach found you a costume so that you could do it. She obviously wants you there. Shut up and be happy that you get this chance." She yelled at me "FINE MOM" and then hung up. A few hours later she texted me a picture of herself in the costume. She had done her own hair and make-up and looked awesome. I thought we were in the clear and done with crying.

I was so wrong. The team won 1st place for State so do you think Mini-me could be happy for her team. NOOOO she calls me crying again about how hurt she is that she couldn't be out there and she didn't win. I was a mom losing her patience. I can only take so much whining. Nothing was satisfying her. :( I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like she had never gotten to dance at State before. They won 1st place last year. This was not good enough for her. She again hung up on me. So I did nothing. Awhile later she texted that she was sorry and she loved me.

That girl has drained me the last few days. I have missed her something fierce but I could have done without the whining and crying. I hate to say this as it sounds mean but Oh my gosh I am so glad that dance team is over. Four years of whining and drama. I miss her dancing as she is amazing when she does but I can't do the drama.

Since I am playing catch up for the last week ... my 16 week challenge was put on the backburner the last week or so. I am still doing my menu planning and that is going well. Since it is Spring Break for me and I have this week off I plan on doing some major cleaning. It will be just Mini-me and I starting Monday and going until Thursday. No excuses!! I tend to get into a funk when it is vacation time and the kids are gone. This upcoming week has some dates in it that always bring me down. My dads birthday is also coming up. I can't get into a funk. No way can I let that happen. No going out either at least not for drinking. Maybe a movie for Mini-me and I but we can always watch one here together. My mom will be here somewhere around June 11 and I need to feel organized and proud of my house. Expect a Challenge update next week.

I feel so much better getting all of that out. Off to bed for me.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. ~John Burroughs

No time

I have no time to write and its killing me. This week is already looking to be very busy.

I do have time for the following ....

1) My time with The Jeans was very nice ... however I am even more confused
2) My ex is a big mean jerk face ... and that is putting it nicely
3) Select Friend I love you and thank you for listening as usual ... the beer was good also
4) Turtle hates me and am a witch mom who is mean ... I am making her do her homework
5) I am PMSing and it is possible I really am a witch mom
6) I am hoping the cramping is just PMS cramping and not a bladder infection starting UGH
7) Make it through this week then it's Spring Break ... Yay!


Off to bed ...

Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown

The Jeans

One week from now I will be 2 hours away from my home and my kids. I will be staying with The Jeans for 2 nights. This post may not make much sense as I am find it very hard to write. I have written very little about The Jeans because I am not really sure how to or if I am ready. Tonight is not the night I want to go into the full story. I just want to vent ... more for myself than anything.

I am in love with this man. I want so badly to see him and spend this time together. Thursday night we will hang out and probably stay awake most of the night. On Friday sleep then go to work .... he works a graveyard shift as a Sheriff's Deputy and after waiting for almost 2 years he has finally asked me to go on a ride along. When he lived here in town and we first met he asked me to go on a ride along but backed out several times. I never understood why and was always left upset. He told me his reasons why this past Dec. and I can see why he made that choice then and I am ok with it. However I am very nervous that he will back out on me again. I have arranged with the Ex to switch days next week so I can make this trip. Mini-me won't even be home that weekend. So if he backs out then I will be home alone and I am sure depressed.

This is more than just about the ride along. I am wondering where in the heck we stand "relationship" wise. This has always been a fuzzy area for us. He has mentioned that he does not want a "relationship" .... like boyfriend/girlfriend dating blah blah blah. Yet some of his actions and words have shown me different.

I know that during the first part of the year I did some things that hurt him. We did not talk for a few months. Then he started texting me out of the blue. We spent a day together in late July and once again in August before he moved 2 hours away. We both started new jobs and didn't text but like maybe 3 times to see how each of us was doing. In November he started texting me again. He knew (via Myspace) that I was dating someone (Mr. Bend). The week leading up to Christmas he was texting me a ton. On Christmas Eve he called and we talked for just shy of 3 hours. We are both texting people so it was weird for him to call me (not that we don't talk we just prefer it in person ... does that make sense?). Seeing that I have some pretty major feelings for him I got excited that he was texting and calling so much. I had a chance to go see him a few days after Christmas so I took a road trip. It was an amazing 24 hours. :)

He backed off a little during the first few weeks of Jan. which did not surprise me as he has a pattern of getting close then pulling back. I was very surprised when I got a call that he was in town. Even more surprised when he showed up at my house. When he left the next morning I was confused and excited.

I have told myself not to get excited. I have made it a point not to text him first or call him. I want him to do the initiating and he is doing it. He called me 2 Friday nights in a row where we talked for 2 and 4 hours. He called me on a Sunday morning and shared with me about his upcoming vacation (the reason he did not call me last Friday). All of our phone calls have been very honest and open about so many things. We can always find something more to say to each other. He always sounds sad when I say that I have to go back to sleep (remember he works graveyards and calls me in the middle of the night).

I have been wanting to text him the last few days about next week and me coming up but I made a promise to myself not to text or call. Last night he called me while he was out getting some movies. I wanted to so bad to bring up the ride along and plans but I didn't. Half way through our conversation he told me what he his plans were for Sat. I joked with him about his plans and then he said "Isn't that the day you wanted to come up and go with me?" Whoo hoo he brought it up lol .... I explained that I wanted to go Friday and that I had the day off. He then suggested that I come up Thursday evening "So you can spend some time with me" those were his words. So plans have been made. He brought it up and sounded excited ... Why am I so nervous?

My phone started to die so I told him I needed to charge it and get more sleep. I did tell him that he could call Friday night as I had been enjoying our phone conversations and he said that he would. I do not want to get my hopes up though. Only 26 more hours until I see if he does.

To wrap this up (for tonight at least) .... This is probably going to sound like I am a total nut but I need to get this out. So several times over the past 2 years I have tried to move on. I have dated other men. I have stopped all contact with The Jeans. I have even Prayed for God to take him out of my life completely so I could move on. Really bizarre thing .... whenever I Pray for him to be out of my life he shows up at my house with in 3 hours. This has happened to many times in my mind to be a coincidence. I have been doing a lot more Praying lately about everything in my life. One of the things I have been Praying about is for God to guide me where he wants me regarding a relationship. Now each time I Pray about this The Jeans calls or texts. What the heck? I am actually questioning my own sanity as I type this out LOL .... Am I just wanting to be with this man so bad that I am seeing to much into everything??

*Sigh*

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. ~Matt Groening, The Simpsons, spoken by the character Marge Simpson

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown

Ten things for a Friday morning

1. Whoo Hoo it's Friday!!!
2. My weekend will be busy as usual and there will be not time for "true rest"
3. Hoping The Jeans calls me like he has the last 2 Friday nights even though he is on vacation
4. I'm horny horny horny *sigh* No privacy around here
5. I am feeling accomplished with my cleaning challenge so far
6. My ex is a selfish jerk and I wish the kids lived with me full time so I didn't have to hear the shit he does to them. :(
7. I need to start walking and working out again ... not comfortable with myself anymore
8. Hoping that the kids at work stay the way they have all week ... calm
9. Realized last night that Turtle iis changing her thoughts about her dad (my ex)
10. Hoping that I get some sewing time this weekend

No fancy quote today because I am running late for work now. ;)

I'm Avoiding ...

*Sigh* I have to admit I am avoiding things tonight. I know this is not a good way to deal with things but this is me. I avoid things when I am not ready to deal with them.

I do 4 different things that I can think of when I am avoiding ...
1) Clean
2) Sew
3) Drink a beer (or two and usually do #4 also)
4) Crawl into my bed with my laptop and pout

I really wanted and should of cleaned the house but it felt overwhelming to me tonight. Which would have led to me doing 3 & 4 and I am avoiding those things also. So I chose to do some sewing. Which really is a healing thing for me to do. I really can't begin to explain how sewing makes me feel.

As I was sitting in Church yesterday I was having a hard time concentrating. I mean like I feel a bit guilty that I could not pay attention at all. I admit that I was sketching out a quilt idea on the bulletin they gave me. My mind was every where but at Church ... I also designed an entire outfit for Turtle (she is 11) while I sat there. This is also where I had the epiphany about my "relationships" with Mr. Bend and The Jeans. Maybe God was trying to tell me something in his own way?? Maybe I just had a moment of ADD ... Hmm who really knows. ;)

Anyways I am avoiding and I am ok with that right now. I know that I can only avoid for so long and then I must deal with the situation and I will deal with it.

I will also post later this week what I have been sewing the last two days ... Just another idea I came up with while I was in Church.

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. ~Bertrand Russell

How do I let go? .... Part 1

I've been telling myself that I am letting go of certain people in my life. I thought for sure that this was exactly what I was doing but after much thinking over the past few weeks I realized I am holding on to these people as long as I can and for the wrong reasons. I had myself fooled ...

I can not seem to let go of The Jeans and Mr. Bend. I am holding on to little things in hopes that they will some how change their minds about a "relationship" with me. Oh I hate when I am writing and it does not flow like I want it to. :(

Basically I am so scared of being totally and completely alone I am holding on to these men. I know that both of them are not healthy for me yet I hold on.

Mr. Bend has clothing at my house, a trailer, his kids Christmas presents and a cell phone that belongs to him (I used it to talk/text him to save us minutes). We started dating in Sept. and things were going great. The week before Christmas he started acting weird. I wasn't spending enough time with him he said. I was being selfish and putting everyone and everything else in front of him. He came over the day before Christmas Eve while he was in town shopping. He texted me after he left that he was upset that I didn't jump up and hug and kiss him. *sigh* I was in the middle of cutting fabric on the floor. I made 13 pairs of jammie pants in 3 days. I was annoyed that he could be mad at me for that. Christmas morning at the exact same time he was to be at my house with his kids he texted and said he was not coming over. WTF??
I was hurt and angry. He gave me an excuse about his son not being ok and crying. Later I got some other excuse. We fought via text for a day because he refused to answer my calls. Yes yes I know I should have just said screw it then. When he was to bring his kids home over the weekend he promised he would come see me. That didn't happen ... he went to Bend. As far as I know of he has been there since. He wouldn't answer my phone calls and very few of my texts. I would get the occasional "I miss you" texts but that was about it. He deleted me on his Myspace after I asked why he changed his status to Swinger. He told me I was stalking him. Umm ok I just wanted to know where in the heck we stood relationship wise. *sigh*

Two weeks ago he texted me on a Friday morning on the cell phone he had left with me. I didn't see the text until I left work that day. He told me he missed me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner Sun. or Mon. Oh you bet I did. I needed answers about what the heck was going on. He texted all weekend like everything was fine between us. I didn't rock the boat with questions about where had he been. I wanted answers in person. He stopped by Sun evening with his son. I felt very weird around him ... I wasn't sure if I was with a friend or a boyfriend. I didn't dare try to talk to him in front of my kids or his son. Of course shortly after he left I got a sad face text message. I asked what it was about and he said nothing and told me to pick a place out to eat at for dinner the next night.

Monday I texted him and double checked that we were still on. Hours later he said yes as long as I wanted to. As I was leaving work (an hour before we were supposed to meet) he texted and pleaded with me not to be mad at him but would it be possible to make up the dinner on Wed. His mom needed him at her house. *sigh* I knew better than to get my hopes up. The last message I got from him was 45 minutes later ... It was him saying that he had just gotten into a fight with his mom and he would let me know in a few minutes if we were going out that night or not.

I still have not heard from him ... I keep telling myself to write him an email and ask him to come get his stuff but I can't. :( This is going to sound so weird but I don't want him to take his trailer. LOL I can't afford garbage services and I use the trailer to put my trash into and then take it to the dump. This was his idea back in Oct. It is actually cheaper and my neighbors can't complain about trash piling up. There is also some small part of me that wants him back in my life the way it was before Christmas.

I am so seriously afraid of being totally alone that I am holding onto a man for his trailer? Man do I have issues. LOL

The thought crossed my mind this morning (while in Church) to ask him if I could buy the trailer from him with my tax refund but I am not sure he will go for it. If he takes the trailer I have no way to take care of my garbage.

I wish life was not so complicated all the time.

I think it is some time for some sewing and making dinner ... I will write Part 2 about The Jeans later.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

The Jeans I can't let go of ...

Don't let my title fool you. I am not talking about a pair of jeans you wear or keep around for a year or so cause you want to fit in them again. I am talking about "The Jeans" that I can't walk away from. The Jeans is a man that I met a little over 2 years ago and fell hard for.

Our relationship has not been normal ... well what I think should be normal for "dating". Telling the story of The Jeans and the last two years will take a few posts I am sure. Basically he is my addiction ... I swear if he was a drug I would need some serious help. LOL Crap I might need some serious help anyways ;)

After not talking for about 5 months (busy lives and he moved 2 hours away) he started calling me and texting me again. We talked for over 2 hours on Christmas Eve as I wrapped my kids presents. I have made very little effort at contacting him ... as I have been trying to just move on. It kills me when he calls or texts. I get excited all over again like maybe just maybe this time he will confess his love for me (again ... a story to share later).

Well Thursday night I was asleep for maybe an hour when my phone rang. Scared the crap out of me as it was his ring tone and I thought it was like 5 in the morning. I didn't answer it fast enough as I was out of it. I started to call him back but then decided to text him. I asked him what was up and if he was ok. He said he was fine and that he had just left a friends house and was wondering what I was up to. We texted a few standard lines of junk and he asked if I was alone. I said that my kids were home and asked why. He wanted to know if I wanted a visitor.
AHHHHHH really are you kidding me right now?? I mentioned again my kids being home and he texts me with my weakness ... "Watch a movie with me and cuddle" He knows how much I love to do this with him. He was killing me and he knew it. He called me right after that text and he tells me that he is around the corner at his other place going through his stuff. We were just talking about random stuff and his phone died.
I am thinking that at this point I am good and safe from temptation. I am weak and I really want him to come over and cuddle with me. Any longer on the phone and I would say yes. I text him telling him to drive home safe if he is going and to call me later. Not expecting a response for awhile with his dead phone.
About 45 minutes later he is tapping on my window. I of course am like a freakin school girl all excited now. I let him in and we end up talking ... ok ok and doing a little kissing and cuddling until after 3 am. He wanted to stay and cuddle and dang it I wanted him to. So he did ... and I loved every minute of it.

This is a horrible post lol ... I am so chopping this kick ass night into a 10 minute blog when it totally deserves at least an hour and a lot of explaining about our past.


I am so very confused about this man and his feelings for me. We have not had a normal "dating" relationship at all. I think it started out as seeing each other and it was great until friends started calling us boyfriend and girlfriend and we both freaked out a bit. I then think it became like a Friends with Bennies type of relationship. I was told to go date and that he wouldn't mind if I was with someone else ... HA until I was with someone else and he freaked out and didn't talk to me. sigh

I have tried several times to walk away but I really can't there is like some strange pull on me. I feel so different with him. I can't think of anyone that has ever made me feel like he does. I can actually look in his eyes when we are talking or just laying there (I am talking about like looking deeply into his eyes and he the same ... like we are talking without words). I can tell him anything and not be afraid of rejection or feeling stupid. He knows secrets about me that no one else does. Sigh

How do I let go? Am I even supposed to let go?
He asked/told me on Thursday night I should move to where he lives ... 2 hours away from here. That threw me for a loop ... Why does he have to be so confusing??


Ahhh ok I am just really rambling at this point and I should be sleeping. I wish I had a few hours to sit and tel the story of The Jeans.