Joyful Summer Nights

It's been an emotional few days for me. I am seriously ready to meet this baby.
I have 11 days now to find a place to live and move out of my home of 11 years. I have yet to find us a safe place to call our new home.
Not having a job during the summer months always stresses me out. The lack of income is scary for me. I do have money set aside but with having to move and a new baby I worry.
I have God and that is where I have put all of my worries, stresses and fears. My faith is still intact and even though I see no hope I know that He has a plan for us and will take care of us.

On Monday it will be 11 years to the exact day that I gave birth to my sweet, cuddly, loving, Little Man. I am still in shock that he will be 11 and entering middle school in just a few short weeks.

In typical mom fashion I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I have come to realize over the last year or so that I don't have typical kids. They don't ask for big parties so they can get lots of gifts. They usually want to just do a lunch or dinner as a family. They ask for one big gift and maybe a couple of smaller ones. What has really surprised me is that they have all started asking for me to make them gifts. It started with Little Bird last August when he asked for a Disney Cars pillow. Not a pillow you sleep with but a throw pillow with a special cover made by me. He asked for another pillow at Christmas time. Mini-me asked for a blankie this past month for her 19th b-day. I am talking like a blankie that she could carry around like a toddler would. With soft fuzzy fabric and a dinosaur print. She has been known to carry it in her purse.

So when I asked Little Man what he wanted it was not surprising to me when he asked me to make him something. He requested a new body pillow with a personalized pillow cover. The boy seriously sleeps with like 4 regular pillows and a body pillow already. He buries himself in them and blankets every night. I spent most of Tuesday and part of Wed. of this week printing off letter templates, tracing, cutting fabric, ironing fabric and sewing it all onto black fabric to make a 20 x 52 pillow covering. Little Man loves origami. He takes origami paper with him everywhere. So what better font to use than an origami font. His name goes across the pillow in shades of yellows and greens. Each letter looks like folded paper. I can't wait to give it to him. :)

He will be getting other gifts but I wanted to do something special for him this year. He asked for a skate party at the skating rink but being that I am 38 weeks pregnant I told him not this year. We live next to the Minor League Baseball stadium. So I surprised him tonight by taking him to the game. Not only was it Friday night Fireworks night but all four of my kids set a World Record. :)

The stadium hosted a Mi Koo Jackson night. At the end of the game everyone was invited out to the field to participate in the first ever large group Moonwalk. Guinness World Records people were on had to witness the account. The group had to do the Moonwalk for 5 minutes straight around the field. Unofficial count was 649 people. So cool to think that my kids just made a bit of history. Silly/fun history but history. :) And memories that they will surely never forget.

Tonight was a good night. I was complimented several times by the people around me about how well behaved my kids are. How nice it was to see siblings that all got along and loved each other. Oh what a great mommy moment. :) My heart swelled with even more love for my kids and my God for trusting them to me.

It's been a long journey over the past 7 years and even though I spent a good bit of time crying the last 2 days. I love life. I love my life. I love that even though it has had some really crappy times I am stronger. God has made a huge change in me and I love it. :) I think about sometimes going back and reading older posts but I don't need to. I can feel the changes I've made without having to go back. :) YAY ME!!


I noticed I have a few new readers/comment leavers. I am so excited about this. I did not start this blog for anyone but me. It was my outlet and still is. I hope that some of my trials and joys can help you along whatever path you are on. :) I apologize up front if I don't respond back to your comments or if I don't leave one on your blog. Do know that I read comments and blogs.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown


We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Dancers

So I officially have two dancers in my house. A few months back I purchased Breakin & Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo (Yes I grew up in the 80's). I had no idea that my purchase would cause Little Bird to become obsessed with the movies and breakdancing.

He has watched both of the movies so many times that the discs are scratched. When I say he watches the movies I mean he gets up and dances the parts out with the movie. He has cried when it's time for bed and the movie isn't over or when I tell him I am not sure I can watch it another time that day.

About 2 months ago we watched a dance group perform and I found out that they offer a boys breakdancing class. Who cares that I am losing my home and I am pretty much broke my son wanted to take the class. It helped that Mini-Me tried out for the same dance company and made their performance squad. We got a sweet family discount. :)

Today Little Bird danced at his first show. Not just any show but at the University. In the big rec center where the football players practice. I thought for sure he would get nervous and freak out. He tends to be shy at times and heck he is not even 7. Seriously I about peed my pants when he went 3rd in the showdown of breakdancers and he totally nailed it. :-o

He was so stinking cute. He didn't do the worm like he planned but he busted out all of the other moves he knows. The crowd was cheering him on :) He didn't even hesitate to jump out and start dancing. Whoo hoo!

I have another dancer and I couldn't be more pleased. :) Being the baby (not for long) he has had a hard time finding what he is good at. Mini-me dances, Turtle draws, Little Man origami and is very tech smart, and me I sew and am crafty in general. I am so glad he found something he loves to do. Even if it is just for a year or so considering he is 6 lol. :)


YAY for dancers. :)

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters
Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

On a funny (to me) side note ... Mini-Me who just learned to mow the lawn 4 weeks ago is currently out front teaching Turtle how to mow the yard. Cracking me up that a 18 year old girl (19 tomorrow) is teaching her 12 year old sister how to mow the yard. LOL I should probably go out and supervise. So both of my girls come back in with all of their fingers and toes.

Loves & Struggles ...

The last few days have been full of love moments and struggle moments.
I love my Durango. Silly I know but I love my car.
I love the new (used) kitchen table and chairs I found at a garage sale a few weeks ago.
I love that the new table and chairs fits all of us around it and we eat meals together as a family.
I love the sewing machine shop I take my machines to. I have two machines to sew with again.
I love that each of my kids has a talent (gift) and that they aren't afraid to show it and share it with others.
I am loving that my Mini-me took a leap of faith and tried out for a local dance company :) She made it.
I love that my Turtle loves to draw so much that I have to tell her to stop and do homework.
I love that Little Man has found an outlet for his creativity. I have origami made by him all over my house. I love that he is teaching his little brother and has patience with him.
I love that Little Bird watches Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo every day that he is here and tries to dance just like them. He starts breakdance classes tomorrow night. He is so excited.
I love that my faith has returned.
I love that God loves me no matter what!!!

I am struggling with people asking or saying things like:
"Do you know what causes that yet?" (in regards to me being pregnant)
"Are you done yet?" (as in am I done having kids)
"You aren't trying to be like that 19 and counting are you?"
"Five kids? Oh wow you have your hands full"
(Really people ... yes I know what causes it SEX!!! ... Does it matter if I am done yet? What if I want 7 kids? Are you going to judge me for that? ... Umm no not trying to be like 19 and counting and what if I was? Is it your business? .... Yes 5 kids and why yes my hands are full ... full of my God's blessings. He chose me to be the momma of these babies. What I am full of is humbleness, love, and joy that God trusts me enough to take care of and raise 5 babies.
I am struggling with people that know me and The Coach still believing we are a couple. Obviously not close friends but people we work or have worked with still think we are together.
I struggle with the fact that people just assume that I am married cause I am pregnant.
I struggle with the questions people ask about the babies dad ... they all imply that I am married.
I struggle with how to respond when I am talking about how many siblings this baby has ... she has 6. My 4 and his 2. I very rarely mention his 2 and it makes me sad. They are just as important.
I struggle with talking to my mom these days. Things are tense between us and I don't know how to fix them with out another fight. :(
I struggle with the fact that it's very possible that I may be single for a long time to come. (this is good at the same time ... so I can grow)

I love that I have this blog and I can write out my thoughts.
I struggle with who letting things go freely sometimes out of fear of being judged.

I love that I am me :)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

100 Posts and Bedrest

So according to my dashboard this will be post 100. Hmm I must be losing my mind because I thought I had already reached 100 posts. Oh well "Happy 100 to me" :)

So I spent the evening in labor and delivery. Having contractions. Nothing new for me. I am one of those oh so lucky people that is plagued with an irritable uterus. All of my pregnancies have involved preterm labor. Mini-me was the earliest born at 36 weeks. I was on bed rest for 10 weeks with her. Thanks to a small tear in her bag of waters at 26 weeks. Turtle had me on bedrest the longest at 18 weeks. Little man let me make it a little further than the girls but he kept me in and out of the hospital cause the meds never stopped the contractions. My sweet little bird he let me make it almost to 30 weeks before the preterm labor kicked in.

This little one has been causing problems since around 16 weeks. Since the "contractions" I was having then didn't change anything I was allowed to do as I pleased. Tonight however the on call Dr. wanted me to be on bedrest until I can see my Dr. which won't be until Wed.

My cervix is closed and high. A good thing. The fetal fibronectin test came back negative. Also a good thing. Nurse and on call Dr. suggested that I have my Dr. start doing ultrasounds to measure the length of my cervix internally.

Trying to figure out what I should do about work and school. Work has been hell the past few weeks. The main secretary has not been very nice to me about my medical issues. So she is going to be so not happy about me not coming in for two days. I think the stress of working with her is causing some of my contractions.

I read my contract stuff today about pregnancy and I am pretty sure with a Dr. note I can ask to have be cut back to half the time. Which would suck as I barely make $800 a month but keeping my sweet little one in me is pretty darn important. I can't drop my classes at school because I will lose my financial aid and have to beg for reinstatement.

The Coach was a major butt head tonight. Again I seriously just don't get how you can make a child with someone and be thrilled beyond thrilled and then just walk away and treat them like they don't exist or are some awful person. :( I had to do some major praying when he got there tonight. It literally took everything I had in me not to say the things I wanted to say. They wouldn't have gotten me anywhere anyways.

Guess I will watch a movie since I don't have to be up early.

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown

Not Giving Up ... Even Though I Want To

I've spent a a lot of time crying over the past month. As I mentioned before my depression is slowly killing me. Yes I am in counseling. However it is not going to just heal me from all of this.
Do I need to be on meds? Maybe but I am not a med person. Never have been.

To be perfectly honest I believe this is a Spiritual battle and meds aren't going to help. Those of you that are grounded in the Lord should know what I mean by that. I've struggled for years in my relationship with God. I have had loving conversations with Him ... in good times and bad. I have cussed Him out and turned my back on Him ... only to turn to Him again when I realize I can't live without Him.

When my Ex husband was cheating on my while I was pregnant with Little Bird I turned to God. My faith was at it's high point then. Slowly over the 3 years before we split my faith dwindled. The end of my marriage and losing my dad in a 6 month period made me so angry with God. I rebuked Him and everything he had to offer. :(

Early last year I started to look at things differently. I went to church a few times but really wasn't putting my heart into it. I am very impatient and darn that God He takes His own sweet time. ;) When I met The Coach we had long talks about God and our relationships that we have had with Him over the course of our lives. I was so excited when The Coach asked me to go to church with him.

At the beginning of our relationship we went to church and it was great. As our relationship got rocky we stopped attending church. I wanted to go but I didn't. I prayed all the time for The Coach and I. For our relationship and that God would guide me/us to where He wanted us.
My heart was in the wrong place. I tried making deals with God about the relationship. Umm in case you didn't know this God doesn't make deals. It's His way on His time.

Since December I've been really struggling ... well ok probably since October or so. I've spent the last 3 Sundays at church. The church The Coach and I went to. I've been reading the Bible every morning and spending most of my days praying. The more I pray and read the more I feel attacked.

I really hope someone that reads this will understand what I am saying. I know that God is trying to get my attention. I fully believe He is trying to reach The Coach also. I can't do anything but pray for The Coach. For me I am trying to find my Faith again. I am trying remind myself that His plan is way better than any plan I could ever imagine.

I am struggling with having that faith. I want to give up. I want to run away. I want the pain, hurt, and struggles to just fade away. I know that I can't give up. I tried to run away over spring break and while it helped it was just a temporary fix. As for the pain, hurt and struggles I know that my only option is God.

And even though The Coach is a major butt hole in my mind right now I pray daily for him. I feel that I was shown things about him and I by God when we were going to church together. I have been praying about that also. I've turned it all over to God.

On a side note a friend texted me tonight about her own struggles she is going through and told me she wishes she could be a strong single mom like I am/have been. I was heading out to get dinner so I swung by her house and kidnapped her and set her straight. I told her that I appreciated her kind words and I am glad she thinks I am so strong but I am not. I told her I am struggling and that my only advice for her was to try God again.

My eyes burn from crying. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the silence to come and my mind to wander. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to imagine or dream of him with her. I really need strength ....

We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart. ~Margaret Gibb

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

I'm back and here to stay

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

Midnight Ramblings ...

I should be sleeping. It is hours past my bed time. I will be skipping church tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me just doesn't care. Was in a funk earlier this week now I feel wired. Sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar to some extent. So many things to get out not sure where to start ... hang in there for a long rambling midnight post.

Last weekend with The Jeans was very nice. He spent the night at my house Thursday after we went down and saw some friends. It is a very rare thing for him to stay here. He is one of the very few people that the door is even open to. I am very protective of my kids and who enters their lives. Anyways ... we stayed in bed most of the day as we had to pull an all nighter Friday night.

The ride a long was pretty uneventful. Totally ok by me though. I enjoyed my time just talking and looking at the million dollar homes. Nothing like being in a patrol car at 2 in the morning and stopping in front of million dollar homes that are for sale and jumping out of the car to grab the fliers to see what the house costs and the pictures of it. Oh yes that is what we did. Hee hee

We did pull one person over. The Jeans left it up to me if I wanted the person towed. Driving while suspended and no insurance. I figured the $700 in tickets he got for that was plenty for the guy to pay. We were nice and let the guys girlfriend come get him and his car.

Got back to his place around 9 am and I crashed hard in his bed. He stayed up cause well he is insane. He came in and slept with me for an hour before we both had to leave. Got home around 5 and realized that I had not eaten for 24 hours. Texted Select Friend and met him down at our favorite hang out. Enjoyed a big fat bacon cheeseburger and a few beers. Since I didn't have kids I stayed out past my bed time. Had a great time.

Sunday started of just grand with another fight with the Ex. He really is just a jackass. I can't even go into all of the details with out getting upset all over again. I can say that it pisses me off that I still let him have control over my emotions.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night (hey he works graveyards lol). Interesting conversation ... I mentioned that I wanted to go on a trip by myself for my birthday this year. Really a trip to Disneyland on my birthday BUT without my kids. This would be a major first for me. I have not been to Disneyland without my kids since I was a teenager. I have always wanted to go alone or with one person not the 25 that we normally go with. I know my kids will be upset that I am not taking them but I want and need to do this. Crazy ass shit happened next when The Jeans said "I will go with you. It would be fun to take a trip together." Holy Crap Batman!! I about fell out of my bed. He wants to go on a trip with me to Disneyland. My birthday is still 6 months away so I will have to see how this plays out.

Monday I posted this.

The Jeans called me in the middle of the night and we ended up talking for most of the night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep. My lack of sleep didn't help my day on Tuesday. I was exhausted all day but that didn't stop me from meeting with The Jeans and going out for a friends birthday and St. Patricks day. Weird that this was our 3rd year celebrating this together. The 1st year and this year we went together. He paid for everything for me. And as usual everyone asked what was going on between us. *sigh* I had no answer to give. On the way to meet everyone he asked me "So how many people do you think will ask if we are dating?" I said "I had no idea. The thought never really crossed my mind that anyone would think that." I really didn't even think that anyone would ask. They always have in the past if we show up somewhere together but it's been almost a year since we have gone out together.

I remembered a few things late into the night 1) why I don't drink in the middle of the week 2) why The Jeans and I should not drink around each other with all of our friends around. For whatever reason St. Patricks day for us always ends up with one of us crying. This year was my turn. Way to much to post here tonight.

Wed. I was in a major funk from the lack of sleep I had gotten 2 nights in a row. Dehydrated from drinking and upset about how the night ended. Called The Jeans when I got off work and talked for a minute but he was at a friends visiting. Then going to another friends for the evening. I extended an invite for him to come over later that night.

Had an appt that evening at the College to finish registering for my classes. I am officially going back to school. I will be taking 2 classes in the Women in Transistions program. I am excited about these classes. I have heard great things about how they help women that are in transistion find the path they should be on. Oh and crazy me has decided to take a Hip Hop dance class for Pe Credit. I am taking it cause I like to dance and it will be a great workout. I will be in school 4 nights a week on top of working, raising 4 kids, and keeping my house clean. I am insane!!

I never heard from The Jeans Wed. night. I thought he was upset with me about Tuesday. Nothing really to be upset about though. Again can't explain that in detail right now but basically my insecurities hit full force Wed & Thursday.

Thursday I was in a major funk about not talking to The Jeans. Mini-me also left Thursday morning to go to Portland until Sunday. I cried when I left for work because I did not want her to go. Which made her cry. Then she texted me and made me cry and then she called and made me cry. I cried a lot on Thursday as did Mini-me.

All day Thursday I felt as though I was forgetting something. The date had a meaning but for the life of me could not remember what the importance of it was. Then while eating dinner with Turtle and Little Man (the ex kept Little Bird) it hit me. It was my Divorce Anniversary. One would think I would smile and be happy that I am no longer married to an abusive butthole however I cried ... for like the 20th time that day. I sat at my dinner table shoveling in my food while my kids sat across from me and I cried. Neither of them seemed to notice as they kept right on talking and eating. I did not cry because I wanted the Ex back or any of that nonsense. I cried because after being divorced for 2 years and apart for 3 on April 1 I feel like I have not gotten very far. I feel like I should have more to show or something. I don't know how to explain this. This isn't about dating or having someone in my life either. It's more about money and feeling secure financially and about where I am headed in life.

Went to bed early that night as I was tuckered out from crying. The Jeans texted me at 4 am. We texted back and forth for 30 minutes and then he called. We talked for another 15. Just our normal chit chat. He was still at a friends house not far from here. It drives me nuts when he asks me things like "Do you sleep better when I am next to you?" My answer is always "YES" and then he always lets out a little sigh after I answer. Is this his way of boosting his ego? Making sure that he is the one I want to sleep next to? His way of telling me he misses me? Or that he wants to be sleeping next me at that moment? He always tells me how great he sleeps when we stay together ... after we get up. When I was on the ride a long last week he turned to me and said "I wish we were still cuddling and sleeping on the couch." (that is what we were doing before we left) I agreed that it would be nice to be doing that. Then he joked around about how he wished the couch was deeper cause I am always falling off of it.

DAMN IT I wish he would just freakin tell me what the hell he wants. I am sure my readers would love a full 2 year story to understand why I am so confused. Someday I will get there.... I suppose. I have to admit that I am very tired of waiting but really as Select friend told me "You guys are starting over and you have to give it time." I just don't have any patience. Blah

Anyways ... as we ended our conversation Thursday night very early Friday morning I asked if he would be calling that night (For what seems to be our regular Friday night talk) and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.

Friday was pretty good minus the chaos at work and Mini-me calling me every 10 minutes sobbing. The work stuff was to be expected as it was the Friday before Spring Break. Everyone was itching to get the heck out of there. You ask anyone that works at a school that kids are always a little more out of control just before vacations or 3 day weekends. I swear more fights happen during those times also.

The Ex took the kids Friday for a bit after they got out of school so he could show them the new house that he and his girlfriend just bought. Oh yes you can't pay your child support but please go get a new home with your girlfriend. GRR I ran a few errands and met him half way to get the kids. Pizza was already in the car so the kids and I could have a movie night. Little Bird and I crashed by 10 and I told Turtle and Little Man they could watch another movie. Not normal for me to let them stay up so late or by themselves but they were so responsible about it. I thanked them this morning (something I am realizing I don't do enough of).

The Jeans called around 2 and could only talk for a minute as it was a busy night. He said that I should have been with him then. We talked about me planning another ride a long. This made me excited for many reasons. I get to spend more time with The Jeans and I get to do something I love. I would actually love to be a police officer. I however have made a promise to my kids that I will not be one. Little Man has the biggest issue with me doing that line of work. He has actually cried and begged me not to do it. He is terrified that something will happen to me. Also as a single mom being a cop is not an easy thing. So I have decided to be a teacher instead.

So that brings us up to today ... Saturday. It was a pretty laid back day. We all slept in ... which is rare for me. Then got showered and dressed and I took them to see Race to Wich Mountain. I would give it 3 stars while the kids seemed to really like it. We had a nice dinner together and then they all hunkered down on the couch and watched a movie together. While I came in here and started working on a new layout and background for my blog. You like it?? I also joined Twitter ... I need to see what all the fuss is about.

Now on to Mini-me ... I have come to realize just how much she and I depend on each other. She has called me crying every day since she left. Not just cause she misses me. Although that has come up at least 40 times. As I mentioned in Mondays post she is unable to dance. Being up at the State competitons has been very hard on her. She pretty much told me she is dying because she can't be out there dancing. It is not helping that her team mates have been very rude to her. They were not including her in anything. It is a tradition to get the girls all gifts for State. Well it crushed Mini-me when she was left out of getting gifts from some of the parents.

I have feel like a broken record. I have told her how great she is. How she needs to not worry about the girls and the drama. Blah blah blah blah ... even when things turned around today and her coach found her a costume so that she could dance in grand finale she still cried to me. I finally had to be "Mean Mom" I called her and said "Look you are going to dance Grand Finale. Who gives a flying freaking shit if the other girls don't think you should get to. Your coach found you a costume so that you could do it. She obviously wants you there. Shut up and be happy that you get this chance." She yelled at me "FINE MOM" and then hung up. A few hours later she texted me a picture of herself in the costume. She had done her own hair and make-up and looked awesome. I thought we were in the clear and done with crying.

I was so wrong. The team won 1st place for State so do you think Mini-me could be happy for her team. NOOOO she calls me crying again about how hurt she is that she couldn't be out there and she didn't win. I was a mom losing her patience. I can only take so much whining. Nothing was satisfying her. :( I tried to explain to her that it wasn't like she had never gotten to dance at State before. They won 1st place last year. This was not good enough for her. She again hung up on me. So I did nothing. Awhile later she texted that she was sorry and she loved me.

That girl has drained me the last few days. I have missed her something fierce but I could have done without the whining and crying. I hate to say this as it sounds mean but Oh my gosh I am so glad that dance team is over. Four years of whining and drama. I miss her dancing as she is amazing when she does but I can't do the drama.

Since I am playing catch up for the last week ... my 16 week challenge was put on the backburner the last week or so. I am still doing my menu planning and that is going well. Since it is Spring Break for me and I have this week off I plan on doing some major cleaning. It will be just Mini-me and I starting Monday and going until Thursday. No excuses!! I tend to get into a funk when it is vacation time and the kids are gone. This upcoming week has some dates in it that always bring me down. My dads birthday is also coming up. I can't get into a funk. No way can I let that happen. No going out either at least not for drinking. Maybe a movie for Mini-me and I but we can always watch one here together. My mom will be here somewhere around June 11 and I need to feel organized and proud of my house. Expect a Challenge update next week.

I feel so much better getting all of that out. Off to bed for me.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. ~John Burroughs

Pick Up Line?

Dinner is always interesting at my house. You never know what is going to come out of someones mouth while we are sitting around the table eating together. It is often we forget our manners and we burp or in my case I belch which in turn sets off one of the boys. Silly stories are told and there is lots of laughter. Once a week I tell the kids that I wonder if I will ever find a man that can handle our family antics at the dinner table. As usual tonight was no different ... I had to giggle at the conversation.

Tonight I was munching away when Little Bird says to me ...
"Mom you are so very pretty and I love you"

Before I could respond Little Man says ...
"There is a bottle of shampoo and conditioner that says it has the 7 signs of beauty in it but when I look at you mom you have all 7 plus more."

I joked around that that this sounded like a pick up line. Mini-me then tells Little Man "Leave the shampoo and conditioner part out and just say ... So I hear there are 7 signs of beauty but when I look at you I see all 7 and more."

I can just imagine my sons using this line on some girl. LOL Knowing them they will keep the shampoo and conditioner part in to get a laugh. :)

After my post from earlier I thought my blog could use a little laughter and lightness. :)

16 Week Challenge ... Week 1 down :)

If you are new to my Challenge check out this post here ...

I originally planned for Sundays to be my update day but I had other things on my mind that needed to be taken care of. I hope to update this Sunday about how this week went.

As I mentioned in the original post about this challenge I was going to take pictures of my progress. That is exactly what I did. I have to admit I am a little embarrassed about how bad my house really is. When I see it in pictures I literally shudder.

A few pictures ...

One side of the bathroom cabinets ... Before

After :)

Saturdays trip to Goodwill :)

Isn't my bathroom a lovely shade of brown and blue?? I had this great idea to paint it to look like the ocean. No I was not on drugs but I almost wish I could say I was because it is hideous. ;) That above pictures are only one half of the bathroom cabinets. It is a double sink with tons of under sink storage. The other side was cleaned out in Jan after the dog we had at the time managed to jump on the counter (it was a doxie) while we were gone and turned the sink on. I had some clothes in the sink at the time. Not only did the sink overflow but one of the pipes leaked onto everything in that cabinet. One full bag of trash was thrown out from the cabinet pictured above. I also sent one box off to Goodwill.

I also worked on the bookshelf at the end of the hallway but don't want to post pictures of it until I am completely done with it. My girls tackled their room with out a fight and they worked together. I am thinking they may have been possessed for a brief amount of time. Not complaining at all mind you but I was a little scared. ;)

Saturday was our Goodwill drop off day. Adding to the pile from earlier in the week ... One more trash bag of clothing (I think), two postal boxes (bathroom stuff and the bookshelf), and one medium size bag with toys in it. I am thinking that I did pretty good for one week of purging.

Remember my struggle with letting Little Birds old Converse go ... I am happy to report that they made it to Goodwill and I did not cry one bit. :) Now if I can only convince Mini-me to let the two bags of Beanie Babies go.

I started cleaning the boys room tonight. Besides the garage this room scares me the most. It really looks like a tornado hit it. The hard part about this room is that Little Man has a very hard time letting go of anything (understandable as I think he feels like so much has been taken from him in his short 9 years of life). I will be working on the room when he is not here. Keeping only the stuff I know that he would notice missing. I feel bad for doing it this way but watching him cry and fight with me over everything is so hard. He has been known to pull things out of the trash and hide them so I can't get rid of it.

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. ~Henry Ford

Here is a picture of how cleaning the boys room went tonight ....



No idea where the eye came from but Mini-me and I could not resist a little fun with it. No I didn't throw it out. I was hoping to find another one like it in the room so I could have some real fun.


Oh oh oh ... Grocery shopping was done on Sat instead of Sunday due to Little Man having a basketball game. The kids and I made up our Weekly Menu and shopping list and all 5 of us went to the store. Normally my kids are crazy in the store but they rocked. It was like a challenge for all of them to keep us on budget. Maybe it was because I also dared them to do something while we were in the store (read below). I am proud to report that we spent $89 this week for groceries. That is up $1 from last week but great in my mind.

So I really do think that laughter is what keeps me from losing my mind. While we were in the car getting ready to go into the store I joked around with the kids that we should just stop in the middle of a busy aisle and we should yell "GROUP HUG" and then all hug one another. A few aisles into our shopping you betcha one of my kids yelled "GROUP HUG". I of course started laughing hysterically. I told them that the aisle wasn't busy enough and that I would pay the first kid who said it in the check out line $5. My kids are sneaky .... we get into the check out line and they start whispering to each other. Then all at once 4 kids scream "GROUP HUG" and start hugging and laughing. Then they all informed me that since they said it at the same time I had to pay them each $5. Ha ha ha ... dang it I love them. I bought them each a $1 lottery ticket instead. :)

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb

Purging ... my new addiction

Three days into my 16 week challenge and I think I am doing pretty good so far. Monday I started on the front hall closet. Really we call it the "Shoe Closet". I should have taken a before picture of it. You would think that I had a small army living in my house with the amount of shoes we own. I guess to some people having 4 kids may seem like a small army lol. The amount of shoes was amazing to me. I am pretty sure the shoes starting breeding in there ... sort of how bunnies do. I didn't get to finish what I started because my car needed some work. Since I work all day taking it to a mechanic is not an easy task. I asked my friend Dave for his help and he fixed my car for just the cost of the part. I did hold the light for him to see. :)

I admit that I didn't get much done last night with the Shoe Closet or anything else. Come on it was Fat Tuesday and I needed to spend some quality time with my two best guy friends (Randy and Dave). I was home and in bed sleeping by 915. (On a side note I don't have my 3 younger kids Mon, Tues, Wed nights ... well unless they are sick)

Tonight however is a whole other story. I put Mini-me to work on the shoes while I made dinner. In a very short time we had filled a garbage bag of shoes to give to Goodwill. We also filled the trash can half full of shoes that had been chewed by the dog we had over a year ago (no idea why we still had those shoes), shoes that had no partner in life anymore (still wondering where their mates went), and shoes that were not even worthy of passing on (mostly Little Mans as he is very hard on shoes).
The hardest part was 4 little pairs of Converse that belonged to Little Bird when he was 1 & 2 years old. I lined them all up on the floor and about cried. Mini-Me tried told me to keep them cause they were so cute. I told her no and put them in a seperate bag from all the other shoes. I had a fight with myself about what to do with them. UGH Letting go is so hard but really I have no use for the shoes. So I put the bag on top of the rest of the items that will go to Goodwill on Sat. I am hoping I have the strength to let them go with out to many tears shed or. Really they are just shoes ...

I also cleaned out 2 of the cupboards in the kitchen. My kitchen is very very small. I call it a 1 butt kitchen ... as in literally 1 person can fit in it. So cupboard space and counter space is limited. When I went to get my glass for dinner I realized how much junk I had that I didn't need. So I started purging everything I could. Again struggled with a few items but realized I have not used those items in years and probably won't use them anytime soon. I found our toasting glasses from my wedding and put them in the box. I hesitated briefly just cause I thought they were pretty but again not using them and didn't see myself using them in the future.

I also have a clean kitchen, laundry is caught up and almost all put away (it's folded on the kitchen table so it has to be put away before dinner tomorrow), and my lunch is packed and ready to go for tomorrow. :-O I am sort of freaking myself out over here. LOL

As I was doing all of this purging I felt good but then I realized I need a better way then some spread sheet to show what I have done. If I don't see instant results I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and want to give up. So I decided that I needed a visual of all of the junk I am getting rid of to remind me that I am making progress even when it doesn't look like I am. So I took a picture of the stuff going to Goodwill on Sat.

Two kitchen trash bags, 2 grocery store bags, 1 medium box, 1 small box and then of course the bag with the Converse.

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

Single Mom Math

3 kids with a major case of the Flu
+ 1 PMSing teenager
- 1 ex husband who can't help at all
= 1 Single Mom who wants to cry but has instead but on her "Soldier Mom" boots and keeps on trudging along.

Turtle was able to return to school yesterday with a bit of a cough still haunting her. Little Man and Little Bird are not doing so well. I went to work for an hour yesterday morning to explain to them what needed to be done for Exclusions (kids that dont have up to date immunizations are excluded from school) I came home and took care of my boys. At 4 o'clock Little Man hit 103.5 and worried me for 4 hours. He was halucinating that there were things on him and me. Crying and yelling in his sleep. Wouldn't even let me touch him to take his clothes off. Meanwhile Little Bird hit just over 102 and stayed there until the middle of the night when he hit 103. :( Poor Little Bird took some Motrin at 730 and drank some water then puked it right back up.

Sadly this mom had to go to work. The oh so wondferul Ex could not miss a day of College so Mini-me missed a day of High School to take care of her brothers for me. Came home on my lunch were Little Bird had me carry him to the bathroom to pee for the first time in 24 hours. He proceeds to puke again .... the little water he had in him. He refuses to drink or eat anything. Called the Dr. right then and made an appt. Went back to work ... feeling like I was failing at being a mom. Reminded myself while I was at work that I was still being a good mom. I was just multi-tasking.

Left work to rush home and get Little Bird and take him to the Dr. Little Mans fever returned but is managable. He cries cause he does not want to be left with Mini-me who is major PMSing. I hear my heart break just a little more for the day and I leave with Little Bird. Dr tells me that if Little Bird can't get some fluids into him tonight and start peeing that he needs to come back tomorrow for blood work. On the way home Little Bird coughs and then proceeds to puke all over the seats. Just one of the many reasons I love having leather seats in my car. I call Mini-me and ask her to meet me outside with a towel and the Clorox wipes so I can clean up the car.

Taking this moment to get this all out before I run to Wal-Mart to get Pedialyte and another really cheap movie as we have watched all of the ones we own. The Ex did take Turtle last night but only cause she did not have a fever anymore. Is it wrong that I hope she coughs on him and his girlfriend and makes them sick and they have to miss school and work? LOL Just trying to keep a sense of humor in all of this. :)

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

When the kids are sick and its the exs night

I am so ANGRY right now!! Twice in the last week I have either had to walk away from a fight with My Ex or I had to hang up the phone on him. GRRR

So I asked to have the kids back a day early(Wed instead of Thurs) last week so I could do something special with them. Of course My Ex agreed as he is always complaining he doesnt't have time to do his homework when he has the kids. During the evening while hanging out with my kids Turtle complained of not feeling very good. My mom heart told me that she would be staying home from school the next day. Sure enough she had a temp of 101 Thursday morning. I sadly had to go to work and leave my Turtle at home. I sent My Ex a text to let him know that she would be home Thursday and Friday from school. I have a strict rule in my house that you must be fever free 24 hours before returning to school. My Ex who is in school and gets done with classes by noon could not stop by either day and check on Turtle. He could only make a phone call to her once each day to make sure she was ok. I on the other hand came home on my lunch Thursday and called a billion times. Friday I could not come home as I give my car to Mini-me. I called Turtle every 2 hours and made her take her temp.

On Sat. Turtle did not have a fever and we all went to dinner. By Sunday morning her fever was back full force and she spent most of the day in bed. I should state that she also has a very lovely cough and now a gunkified nose issue. We skipped Church as I felt guilty leaving her home alone again. Around noon as I was getting ready to leave to do some shopping Little Man wanted to shower. When he got out he proceeded to put on footie jammies and wrap himself in a blanket. *sigh* I knew right then and there what was happening. Took his temp and he was at 102. :(
Mini-me watched Turtle and Little Man while Little Bird and I went and did our shopping.

I sent a text to My Ex after I took Little Mans temp. I let him know that now 2 of the kids were sick. I did not expect a response back as I knew that he and his girlfriend went away for the weekend but it still angers me that he could not take 5 minutes to call. Here it is Monday afternoon ... 24 hours later and I finally get a text from him. His text said he would be here at 5 to get them. I didn't respond and I didn't tell the kids to pack their bags. I knew what was coming next ... it is the same thing that happened a few weeks ago. He calls me to ask how the kids are doing. I tell him that Little Man has a fever and that both he and Turtle have coughs. He asks if they are going to school tomorrow and I tell him no. Again are you kidding me?? They are SICK!!! Before he could even ask I said I would just keep them. He does not want them when they are sick. Doesn't see any point in bringing the cold to his and his girlfriends house for them or her daughter to get when they can just stay home here tomorrow. GRRRR How about loving your kids and taking care of them???

He could tell I was upset and he tried to explain to me that it was the best thing to do. I told him that he was missing my point. That I have been with sick kids for 5 days as a SINGLE parent but he would never know anything about that as he won't take the kids when they are sick and he wouldn't have to do it alone cause he has a girlfriend by his side to take care of things. He told me he would get Little Bird tomorrow. I told him that I would let the kids know he won't be coming to get them. I could hear that he was letting girlfriend listen to me which annoys the heck out of me. I told him I would take care of the kids and hung up on him.

I must say I am not jealous of his girlfriend or the fact that he has a relationship. I am just pissed that he never has to be a Single parent. He never takes them if they are sick. He does not pay the Co-pays. Never has to get the Motrin or cough medicine. He does not worry about them all night or get up when they cough, cry or moan out of feverish pain.

With in minutes he texts me that he really does want to help. Oh yeah I felt that help over the last 5 days. He now wants to come get Little Bird and he wants to bring the other kids some food and entertainment. I did not respond so he called the kids phone. Turtle told him not to bring anything. She told him they would be fine.

Of course Little Bird is upset. He told Mini-me that he wasn't sick and why couldn't he go. :( I should probably let him go but I am thinking Ex just texted that to me to act nice and that Little Bird will have a fever by the morning. He is acting a bit cranky and it seems strange but that is what my Mom heart is telling me.

I know that I should not be this upset. I should be happy that I get more time with my kids even if they are sick. I honestly know that they will be better taken care of here with me even while I am gone at work tomorrow than they would be at their dads. I just keep telling myself that one day my kids will look back and see that I put them before everything while their dad put them last. And even if they don't see that at least it gets me through moments like these. ;)

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. ~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

My 4 Valentine Dates ...

I can't think of a better way to spend Valentines than with the 4 that hold my heart. I asked my kids last week if they would be my dates for Valentines. They all eagerly agreed. They even agreed to wearing matching shirts that I designed and made. Can I just say that my kids ROCK!! I would have laughed if my Mom had ever asked me to wear a shirt like hers. LOL Does this mean I have reached "Cool Mom" status?

I really wanted a picture of the 5 of us together but I could not find the courage to ask our very busy waiter or any of the couples sitting around us. The table next to us did get a good laugh as Mini-Me sat on my lap for our picture. I found it even funnier that Little Bird (who is 5) was the photographer.

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. ~Author Unknown

Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown



For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard

Fit throwing kids

I was really planning on writing about other things tonight but I am hoping that my readers can share with me what they would have done in my situation tonight.

Being a mom to 4 kids I have had my share of my kids throwing a fit. These fits can happen any where for a multitude of reasons. I have been doing this parenting thing for almost 18 years and I still wonder if I am doing it right. ;)

So tonight I decided that the kids and I needed to get out of the house for a little bit. After Little Mans basketball game this morning we came home and just relaxed. I could sense that they were getting restless. They all have gift cards to Wal-Mart that they had gotten for Christmas. They also had cash.

Everything seems to be going smooth. I had called my mom to vent about some financial and Ex issues and got off the phone about 10 minutes into the store. My kids were happy looking at the toys while I chatted. Little Bird (who is 5) has a huge thing for Legos these days. We head over to the Lego aisle and I patiently talk to him about what would be good sets for him to get. I show him sets that are made for his age group and explain that it will be easier for him to put them together alone or with little help. He of course can only focus on the harder bigger sets. We must have spent 20 minutes looking and trying to decide. I gave a 5 minute warning and said that we would move on to let Turtle and Little Man find what they wanted. When they found what they wanted we would come back to the Legos. By the way Little Bird started screaming you would have thought I was abusing him. :(

I started to walk away and as I was I kept repeating that we would come back to the aisle. He proceeds to throw himself on the floor and scream. I keep walking so he gets up and grabs me by my legs so I can not go anywhere. I calmly pick him up ... not an easy thing to do when he goes totally limp ... I put him in the shopping cart. He continues to cry and sob. :( I again repeat to him that we will come back to the Legos before we leave but if he throws another fit or does not calm down I will not do it. We will just leave.

He calms down and we get through the rest of our shopping. Turtle and Little Bird surprised me and picked out what they wanted and acted very grown up about it all. Now that I am writing this I realized I did not thank them :( or give positive reinforcment. Little Bird asked if he could get out of the cart and I let him because he had calmed down. We head back to the Legos and he keeps telling me he needs to think about it. I decide that there is just to much on the shelves in front of him and it is overwhelming him. I pull down 8 boxes of Legos that I feel he will like and that he can work with by himself or with little help. He seems pleased with this at first but keeps going back and forth. I explain to him that we have been here a long time and that he needs to make up his mind. I give a 5 minute warning which just sets him off.

He starts getting upset and throws himself on the floor. I tell him that he needs to pick something or I am leaving and he will have to come back another day. More crying and fit throwing. At this point I know other people in the store can hear him. He will not listen to me or pick out what he wants so I tell him that I am going to put the boxes back up on the shelves. He is freaking out big time.

I put the boxes up and tell him that we are leaving and that we can come back on a day where he is calm and not throwing a fit. I let him know that he is NOT getting the Legos because he kept throwing a fit. I walk out of the Lego aisle onto the main one and he starts screaming as loud as he possibly can. He is running after me and grabs my legs again. I pull him off and he grabs the under part of the cart. He is crazy strong when he is that pissed lol I could not for the life of me get him to let go of that cart. So I kneeled down in front of him and told that I will just leave the cart with all of the stuff I was buying and come back another time for it. I got up and started walking away. This set of Little Man ... he knew that I needed the stuff. So I looked back and realized I didn't need the cart. I grabbed the stuff and handed it to Turtle and Little man to carry. I think at this point we made it 5 feet away from the Lego aisle. :(

Little Bird continued to grab my ankles, legs, arms and hands to hold me back from leaving. I kept right on walking. I repeated several times that we would talk when he calmed down and that he was not getting the Legos.

Checking out of the store and getting to the car was just as rough. Once outside I sent the other kids to the car and I finally got a good grip on Little Bird and picked him up and carried him. He of course threw a fit getting in the car. I actually had to do the child safety locks on the door because he was trying to get out.

He eventually stopped the fit throwing and just cried until about 5 minutes after we got home. He asked me for a hug which I of course gave to him. I asked if he was ready to talk about it and he started crying again and said no.

I should state that I am not a big fan of spanking. Even if I was I would not have spanked Little Bird in the middle of the store.

I wonder though what the other people in the store thought. As I was standing there pulling the stuff out of my cart to walk it to the registers I could feel the glares/stares of the people around me. I am thinking that a few of them thought I was being to nice to my son. I never lost my temper. I used the same calm voice the entire time. I laughed at one point but more out of embarassment of the situation.


So what would you have done in my situation??
Should I have gotten the Legos?
Are my kids the only ones that throw fits like this?
Hmm really my girls have not thrown fits like this in public. They do it at home by slamming the door to their room. The boys are my public fit throwers.

I am drained ... this is when I find parenting to be especially hard. :(