Saturday, March 7, 2009

Not sure what to do ...

How do you tell a friend that you have some major issues with the things they are doing?

I am currently friends with a single mom to 3 kids. Let's call her DQ (Drama Queen) We met a about year and a half ago through our daughters. She stayed home a lot and from what she has told me not much of a drinker. She and I went out a few times and I introduced her to many of my friends. I slowed down on my going out last year and she started going out with out me. She made a lot of poor choices and most of those poor choices involved many of my guy friends. Some of her choices affected my friendships.

I am trying to be somewhat private here ... just in case she were to ever come across this. Not that she even knows this exists but stranger things have happened in my life.

DQ gets depressed a lot about the choices she has made\is making. Since last summer she has had 5 boyfriends that I know of and slept with countless others. Has thought she was pregnant numerous times. She has come to me crying and asking for advice several times. However when I have told her that I think she needs to stop drinking and clinging to any man that gives her the time of day she gets offended. I don't sugar coat things when she asks. She gets over being upset with me in a day or so and almost always texts me with "You were so right about blah blah blah" or "I am sorry you are right I need to make changes".

I decided in October that I need to distance myself from her. As I felt that the friendship was draining me more than it was fulfilling me. It was easy at first to make excuses not to hang out or let any of our kids hang out together as I had gotten a new job and was dating Mr. Bend. Since Jan. she has been texting me every Monday night asking me to go down to a certain bar as it is $1 beer night after 9. I have gone 2 times but was home by 10. Each time she would fill me in on all of her drama.

When she and I first started hanging out she always had someone watch her kids for her. Usually her 2nd daughters father. Her kids are 11 (just turned it this week), 9, and 5. She has been leaving them home alone at night so she can go out and party it up. No home phone or cell phone for them to use up until 2 weeks ago. She got her 11 yr old a cell phone to use. Let's just say I have some issues with this on many levels.

With all of that said I am having a bigger issue with her right now. She currently does not have her Drivers License. Last summer she was pulled over and they informed her that it was suspended. I guess for not paying a ticket in full from several years ago. Or so she has told me. She was supposed to go to court the first week of Sept yet never got out of bed that day. She went a few weeks later where they told her she had x amount of time to pay it and they would give it back. Of course she did not pay it (her list of reasons why is a mile long). With out a Drivers License you can not be insured. So when she was pulled over again in Dec. she was given another ticket and her car impounded again for driving while suspended and uninsured.
She was pulled over the night before Valentines on her way home from the bar. She told the officer that her boyfriend works at the bar and she had to go get him. The officer let her go without a ticket or a sobriety test.

Yesterday she had a pizza\slumber party for her 11 yr old. All of my kid were invited to the pizza party but I did not want to stay. I told Turtle that in no way shape or form was she to get into DQ car with her. That I would be back to get her and take her to the house for the slumber party. I also told Turtle that if DQ left at any point that she was to use her friends cell phone to call me and I would come get her.

Mini-me took Turtle into the pizza place and let DQ know that we would be back to get her. With in minutes of us leaving she called me and said that she would just drive Turtle. I told her that it was ok because I had all of Turtles stuff anyways and needed to drop it off. She seemed to be ok with my answer. We picked up Turtle around 730 without any problems but DQ was still cleaning up the food fight the kids had. Mini-me took Turtle over to the house around 830. I reminded Turtle that if DQ left that she had to call me.

I thought all was good as I did not receive a phone call from Turtle. I called DQ around 1130 today and told her I would be there in 30-45 minutes to get Turtle. She offered to drive her I told her no it was ok I had to run some errands. Wouldn't you know it today would be the day that Little Man would have one of his major melt down moments (another story). These are not melt downs that end in a few minutes. It was close to 2 when DQ tried calling me. I did not answer but quickly texted her that I was having an issue and would be there as soon as possible. She was ok with this. Little Man and I were still having issues. She called 2 more times and I could not answer. When I was getting the boys into the car I looked up to see DQ pulling up in front of my house. I was angry!!!

When Turtle came up to me I asked her why she didn't call me and she said that DQ wouldn't let her use the phone. Which it wouldn't really of matter I was not answering. :( Turtle tried to tell her that I wanted her to stay there but DQ told her to get in the car. Turtle being scared did just that.

While making dinner I asked Turtle if DQ left at any point last night and she said yes. WTF??? With in 30 minutes of Turtle getting there DQ had taken a shower and left 3 eleven year old girls by themselves. I asked Turtle why she didn't call me and she said that her friend would not let her use the cell phone. I could tell that Turtle was not telling me everything so I explained that I needed to know so that I could talk to DQ about the situation and that I did not want to look stupid if I had the wrong story. That is when Turtle told me that her friend called DQ (her mom) and told her that I told Turtle that she had to come home if DQ left. DQ told her daughter to tell Turtle that she called me and I said it was OK! I asked Turtle why didn't she call me and double check and she said she was scared and again her friend would not let her use the phone.

As I am writing this out I realized that as a parent I should of and could of called to make sure things are the way they should be. So I take some responsibility in this, however I really hoped that DQ would of been a responsible parent and stayed home for her daughters slumber party.

I am feeling as though I need to let DQ know what my issues are. She keeps bugging me to let her watch Little Bird on Thursdays so I don't have to find childcare for him. I have made every excuse possible to not let her. The distancing myself from her is not working. I am thinking it is time I am fully honest with her but I am not sure how to do that. I have no problem telling her what I think when she asks for it. Coming right out and telling her freaks me out. I don't like confrontation.

I am not sure I want to touch the drinking, men, and leaving her kids home alone issues. Not that I don't want to talk to her about these things. It actually bugs the crap out of me that she drives after drinking so much that she can't see straight, that she parades these men around in front of her kids (especially her girls), and that she just leaves them home alone. I really just want to let her know that I not ok with my kids being in a car that she is driving. If they were in an accident with her there wouldn't be any insurance to cover them.

So what do I do?

Talk to her about all of the issues?
Talk to her about my kids being in a car she is driving\and her leaving my daughter at her house alone?
Try to distance myself even further? (which I am sure I will do)
Not say anything at all? (This will drive me bonkers)

Oh and if I talk to her ... Do I call her? Text her? (yes being serious she is a texter) Write her a letter? I thought about asking her out for a drink but that seems a bit wrong lol. If I talk to her in person I would want it to be a public place and with out the kids around. I am sure she is going to freak out big time.

Let me here it ...

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney


Karissa said...

There is a program for her and it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope she finds it before she kills someone or herself with her stupid drinking and driving.

For the rest of us there is Al-Anon, support for families and friends of alcoholics.

In the meantime I would continue with the distance and keep your kids away from her. She sounds like a pathological liar, which is common for alcoholics.

I feel sorry for her kids. My mom used to leave me alone all the time when I was too young, and her staggering around drunk after a night out was most unpleasant. I hope and pray that they grow up ok and get the help that they need.

Anonymous said...

Hells no, you better not let her have anything to do with your kids. As their parent, you are responsible to make decisions for them, don't leave it in their hands, that's not right. This women is out of her mind, anyone that would leave those children alone is not in their right mind. Be so thankful that nothing happened to your child and never do it again. This is a major deal breaker, there is no compromising here, you need to cut the ties.

MindyMom said...

Well, if you read my blog last week then you know how a toxic friendship can end. I waited too long to end it though, the sooner you do the better. The more I distanced myself the more she tried to insert herself in my life.

There is no good way to cut ties with someone who isn't thinking rationally but for you and your kids safety that's exactly what you must do. Next time you talk, text, or email (if she uses email that would be a great way to end it, I think) tell you wish her well, hope she gets her life in order, but you no longer want to continue the friendship. Don't let her hook you into to explaining why or continuing the conversation.

Also, you should have a conversation with your kids about her behavior (the PG version) and let them know why it's important to keep your/their distance.

Anonymous said...

No, no, no, no....not good to let your child go to someone's house (and spend the night for that matter) if you had a SINGLE doubt about their behavior. Agree with previous comment, cut all ties. Take responsibility as a parent and for the safety of your kids foremost.

Victoria said...

Her behavior is not your problem - she's making craptastic choices and all you have to say is something like: "I feel that your life is going in a different direction than mine, and I'm not comfortable being your friend any longer." Then cut her off. And definitely no more of your kids going over there ... oy!

I'm not sure where you are or how concerned you are, but filing an anonymous complaint with CPS is an option, as well, if you feel her choices are endangering her children.

I hope for her kids' sake she can pull her head out of her a$$ before her neglect causes real harm :(

T said...

Girl... what a scary situation. You do what you need to do to protect your kids. Period.

It makes me sad to hear about hers. I hope they're learning to be somewhat self-sufficient if she's not available to them.


Anonymous said...

Run fast and praise the Lord that your child was not hurt, no explanation needed when this kind of behavior could have had severe consequences. Zero tolerance and you don't owe a word for utter ignorant behavior.