Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Jeans

One week from now I will be 2 hours away from my home and my kids. I will be staying with The Jeans for 2 nights. This post may not make much sense as I am find it very hard to write. I have written very little about The Jeans because I am not really sure how to or if I am ready. Tonight is not the night I want to go into the full story. I just want to vent ... more for myself than anything.

I am in love with this man. I want so badly to see him and spend this time together. Thursday night we will hang out and probably stay awake most of the night. On Friday sleep then go to work .... he works a graveyard shift as a Sheriff's Deputy and after waiting for almost 2 years he has finally asked me to go on a ride along. When he lived here in town and we first met he asked me to go on a ride along but backed out several times. I never understood why and was always left upset. He told me his reasons why this past Dec. and I can see why he made that choice then and I am ok with it. However I am very nervous that he will back out on me again. I have arranged with the Ex to switch days next week so I can make this trip. Mini-me won't even be home that weekend. So if he backs out then I will be home alone and I am sure depressed.

This is more than just about the ride along. I am wondering where in the heck we stand "relationship" wise. This has always been a fuzzy area for us. He has mentioned that he does not want a "relationship" .... like boyfriend/girlfriend dating blah blah blah. Yet some of his actions and words have shown me different.

I know that during the first part of the year I did some things that hurt him. We did not talk for a few months. Then he started texting me out of the blue. We spent a day together in late July and once again in August before he moved 2 hours away. We both started new jobs and didn't text but like maybe 3 times to see how each of us was doing. In November he started texting me again. He knew (via Myspace) that I was dating someone (Mr. Bend). The week leading up to Christmas he was texting me a ton. On Christmas Eve he called and we talked for just shy of 3 hours. We are both texting people so it was weird for him to call me (not that we don't talk we just prefer it in person ... does that make sense?). Seeing that I have some pretty major feelings for him I got excited that he was texting and calling so much. I had a chance to go see him a few days after Christmas so I took a road trip. It was an amazing 24 hours. :)

He backed off a little during the first few weeks of Jan. which did not surprise me as he has a pattern of getting close then pulling back. I was very surprised when I got a call that he was in town. Even more surprised when he showed up at my house. When he left the next morning I was confused and excited.

I have told myself not to get excited. I have made it a point not to text him first or call him. I want him to do the initiating and he is doing it. He called me 2 Friday nights in a row where we talked for 2 and 4 hours. He called me on a Sunday morning and shared with me about his upcoming vacation (the reason he did not call me last Friday). All of our phone calls have been very honest and open about so many things. We can always find something more to say to each other. He always sounds sad when I say that I have to go back to sleep (remember he works graveyards and calls me in the middle of the night).

I have been wanting to text him the last few days about next week and me coming up but I made a promise to myself not to text or call. Last night he called me while he was out getting some movies. I wanted to so bad to bring up the ride along and plans but I didn't. Half way through our conversation he told me what he his plans were for Sat. I joked with him about his plans and then he said "Isn't that the day you wanted to come up and go with me?" Whoo hoo he brought it up lol .... I explained that I wanted to go Friday and that I had the day off. He then suggested that I come up Thursday evening "So you can spend some time with me" those were his words. So plans have been made. He brought it up and sounded excited ... Why am I so nervous?

My phone started to die so I told him I needed to charge it and get more sleep. I did tell him that he could call Friday night as I had been enjoying our phone conversations and he said that he would. I do not want to get my hopes up though. Only 26 more hours until I see if he does.

To wrap this up (for tonight at least) .... This is probably going to sound like I am a total nut but I need to get this out. So several times over the past 2 years I have tried to move on. I have dated other men. I have stopped all contact with The Jeans. I have even Prayed for God to take him out of my life completely so I could move on. Really bizarre thing .... whenever I Pray for him to be out of my life he shows up at my house with in 3 hours. This has happened to many times in my mind to be a coincidence. I have been doing a lot more Praying lately about everything in my life. One of the things I have been Praying about is for God to guide me where he wants me regarding a relationship. Now each time I Pray about this The Jeans calls or texts. What the heck? I am actually questioning my own sanity as I type this out LOL .... Am I just wanting to be with this man so bad that I am seeing to much into everything??


You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. ~Matt Groening, The Simpsons, spoken by the character Marge Simpson


MindyMom said...

Oooh, tough one Shannon. The Jeans sounds inconsistent and like he's on the fence about his feelings for you so it's hard to have too many expectations where he is concerned. And I wish he would have said, "So WE can spend some time TOGETHER" instead of "so you can spend some time with me". That makes it sound to me like it's about HIM and not so much about YOU. But that's just my take on what little I know from what you write here. Follow your gut I guess.

T said...

Well.... you know that I know ALL about this stuff.

Girl, you have to decide if the waffling is ok with you. Believe me, I have done all the praying and attempting to move on too... as I'm sure you've read. Its really difficult when our hearts make everything appear exactly as we'd been secretly hoping it would. We see what we want to see.

Even as I type this, I'm still asking myself, do I want to meet with Soldier or not? Should I just not answer the phone when he calls? I've actually deleted his number from my phone... which is HUGE for me. But... I still have it memorized. *sigh* Whattaya gonna do?

I hope you can enjoy yourself. And maybe take a step back when you're with him to observe. Is he doing what you need or are you trying to form what he's doing into what you need?

I need to work on that myself.

Good luck.