Sunday, March 1, 2009

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew


If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.



Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown





4 comments:

T said...

That is TRUE peace. When nothing outside of you affects it.

Awesome.

Antonio NYC said...

I watched my parents go through their divorce and they were able to do it rather smoothly. My parents were both more concerned about how it would all effect me rather than themselves. I supported their divorce because I knew they weren’t happy, but I know most divorcing couples aren’t that lucky.

Here is a great site for women going through divorce with great articles, a resource guide and even a social network. Check it out when you get a chance:

Articles:
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/

Resource Guide:
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resource_directory/getting-divorce

Social Network:
http://community.firstwivesworld.com/?page=account/default

MindyMom said...

Being at peace is awesome! Everytime I begin to feel peace something comes up and steels it away fom me for a while, but I always get it back and each time it's less of a wait. Like T said, "letting nothing outside of you effect it". I know that is easier said than done, so good for you for being at peace.

T said...

Hey! Thanks for the song compliment. I reposted it... can you be my guinea pig and see if the whole song posted this time?

(Sorry to do this via a comment.)