Saturday, May 2, 2009

Confused about everything ...

I should be learning how to back my Durango into my driveway with a trailer on it but I got frustrated and gave up. It took me forever to learn how to back into my own driveway with just my car. I have no idea how I am going to learn this and not take out part of the house.

Speaking of the house I am at a loss. I spent a an hour talking to my mom today and at least another hour reading stuff online. My good mood that I was in has been drained from me and now I feel confused and scared (again). There has to be a way for me to save my home.

I applied for a job at the University this last week. Talked to a friend that works there in that department and asked him to see what my chances are. He wasn't super hopeful as he thinks the job was earmarked and they just had to go through the normal channels of hiring. It doesn't pay much more than what I am making now but it is 6 hours more a week and the benefits are great. Plus when you work at the college you get discounted tuition ... something I would love to have. Crossing my fingers it works out but not holding my breath. ;)

I met a boy. I say boy cause he is 10 years younger than me. I actually met him back in December through a friend. We have gone out in groups a few times but this last time in March he started texting me daily. He was actually the person that took me to the hospital on Easter.
So Boy and I have been hanging out daily. Movie watching and cuddling has happened and it was nice.

No idea what the heck is going on between The Jeans and I. Last Friday he called like normal but I admit to telling him I would call back and then not doing so. He called last Sunday and talked to me for over an hour and we both shared our struggles that were bringing us down. However last night midnight came and went and he did not call. I called him at 5am when I couldn't sleep and the conversation felt weird and strained. At the end of the conversation he told me that he had a friend riding along with him so that may be one of the reasons the conversation felt weird. I don't know anymore. For over 2 years I have wanted nothing more than to be with this man. I still want that but I don't want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind on what he wants in his life. Not just with me but everything he wants to do.

Bringing me back to Boy. So Boy has told me he likes me. Enjoys spending time with me and that we can talk honestly. Which we really do ... He knows all about The Jeans and my feelings for him. He is not bothered by the fact that I am juggling school, work and 4 kids. He encouraged me to keep going a few weeks ago when I came home from class in tears and feeling frustrated. Not just about the class but the house stuff.

I enjoy spending time with Boy and I admit that I like him but how do I know I like him for the right reasons? Do I really like him? Am I just feeling lonely and liking the attention he gives me? The age thing is not even a factor to me by the way. Both of my step parents are 10-11 years younger than my parents.

Yesterday he did something that left me almost speechless. My work had a Friday at Four to say goodbye to one of the teachers. I invited Boy to come along with me. We had a great time until we were on our way home. Boy was joking around and made a few teasing comments that hurt my feelings. My body language was very obvious that I was upset with him. When we got back to my house he needed to leave right away because it was raining and he had his motorcycle. He wanted to give me a hug goodbye and I walked away. He asked if I wanted him to come back and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was going to go for a walk in the rain as it felt good. About 10 minutes into my walk he called me and said to me that he was sorry for the way he was treating me and that he didn't mean to take it that far. He had wanted to leave the restaurant we were at earlier because it was starting to rain and didn't want to ride his bike home in the rain. He said that he didn't want to ask me to leave because I was having a nice time and enjoying myself and he knew that I needed that. He said he was sorry again and I told him that all he had to say was he wanted to leave and we could have worked out something. Like he could have taken my car and come back and gotten me in his car. He was surprised that I would have been willing to work out a solution. Basically what I am trying to say is this Boy apologized and we talked about it and it was nice. I can't remember the last time any "boy/man" has taken the time to apologize and talk to me like that. I am not sure I am even explaining it in a way that anyone reading this would understand.

Boy has now shown up to my house and I need to go to the store to get stuff for dinner. Full house tonight with 10 of us. Guess that means my writing time is over.

1 comment:

T said...

Wow girl. You do have quite a bit going on. Just remember to take that time for yourself, walking in the rain or whatever, to clear your mind. Enjoy your moments with Boy without analyzing it. It will work out the way its supposed to. Just like everything else.

Enjoy the attention!