Thursday, February 18, 2010

To move forward I must look back ... just briefly part 2

Well it's only taken me 6 weeks to find time to come back and finish the second half of this post. Trying to move forward and struggling ....

So when I left off I was a few months into my relationship with The Coach and I had told The Jeans I could no longer talk to him. Three months into my relationship with The Coach I should of walked away but I had fallen hard and my insecurities kicked in. I found myself turning into an old me that I hated but for some reason I couldn't break free and leave The Coach or my old self I was turning into. :(

I missed The Jeans I missed the Me I had been working on and finding. My relationship with The Coach was and sadly still is not a healthy one. I let things happen that I should have never let happen and I never should have stayed. I let someone have control over me. Something I said I would never let happen again. The crappy thing in all of this I really love The Coach and hoped for so much more. So I stayed ...

Which leads me to the secret I mentioned back here The secret that was killing me and I thought was going to end a friendship. I will be needing to change the title of my blog as I will no longer be Single Mom x's 4 .... In July it will be Single Mom to 5. Yep my secret is that I am having a baby. The Coaches baby to be exact. I have mixed emotions about all of this that I will get to and maybe if I have any readers left someone can help me with advice.

So the friendship that I thought I was going to lose was The Jeans. Back in November before I found out that I was expecting I pulled away from The Coach and the relationship. I started having anxiety attacks on my way to his place and I realized I couldn't stay in the relationship the way it was. Around the same time I was struggling with the house stuff and needed/wanted to talk to someone I trusted. The Jeans and I started talking again. I shared with him the house stuff and opened up to him about the relationship with The Coach and what had happened. I was starting to feel ok again ... not as depressed about everything because I had a friendship back that I loved and cherished.

Then my world came to a brief stand still when the test came back positive. I thought for sure that The Jeans would never talk to me again once I told him I was pregnant. Five weeks ago as I sat in my car crying I texted him and he called me back. I could barely get the words out between my tears but I told him everything. He assured me he would not leave me. We spent close to 12 hours talking in a 24 hour period. About everything he and I had been through over the past 3 years. He cried and told me he wished the baby was his. He finally admitted that he has loved me all along. I can't even begin to share how much I have cried the last 5 weeks.

I admit that I love The Coach and it is so hard to just end everything. Even harder now that there is a baby on the way. I can't stay though. I've tried to work things out but I am getting no where with him. He says he loves me and wants me but there is abuse in the way he treats me and I just can't do it. I kept hoping and praying that he would somehow go back to the way he was when we first met. I don't know what happened to that man or if he ever really existed.

So now I am single. Just shy of 17 weeks pregnant. Confused about how to handle things with The Coach. Even more confused about the situation with The Jeans. Really who would have thought that after 3 years and me getting pregnant by someone else he would finally admit his love for me? Add to it that I am living on barely any money. My depression has hit an extreme low. I haven't been this depressed since my ex husband left me and my dad died (with in 6 months of each other). I struggle daily to just keep going. Last night at 1am I had a major meltdown on the phone with The Jeans.

I need to clarify that I would never ever kill myself but I sadly in my thoughts I am understanding why someone would. Depression brings so many negative thoughts. I don't want to burden anyone with any of my problems. Not even my family. I am extremely embarrassed to be having another baby with a man I am no longer in a relationship with. I am losing my home. I can barely pay my bills. It's hard to open up to people when all you can think is how they will be judging you. So you hold it in pushing yourself further into a depression and a cycle of negative thoughts. :( I won't give up ... I have 4 ok technically 5 kids that need me and I remind myself daily of that. Also I don't want any of there dads raising them with out me lol.

Oh the other person I was afraid of telling the secret to (besides my mom) was my Mini-me. She and I are very close. She is one of my best friends. She does not like The Coach so I thought for sure she would flip out on me when I told her. I thought all of my kids would. However she handled it very well. She was upset and worried for a day or so but has really been amazing. I think I have done a pretty good job raising her. :) She is very excited now and has decided that The Coach can get lost and she and I will raise the baby. lol My other kids are just as excited (they didn't like the coach much either). They all do there fair share of belly rubbing. The boys tell me what I can and can not eat. Little Man was very concerned that I will get time off to be with the baby after he/she is born. Just writing this part makes me realize (once again) just how blessed I am with my kids. They don't care if we have to do this alone ... they trust me and have faith in me.

Look at all of my rambling ... It's a big jumbled mess but dang it feels good to get it out. If anyone actually reads this good luck understanding it. Maybe I should change my blog title to something like The Shannon Soap Opera ... Seriously though I am taking suggestions for a new blog title. One that will remind me to keep on fighting and not give up would be nice but incorporates my mommyness.

Ending with my favorite quote ... I am thinking someday this will be tattooed on me as a reminder. :)

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown


Anonymous said...

Oh, Hon, I'm s sorry to hear how hard things are right now. I'm glad you're not really suicidal, ut the fact that your depression is so bad means you really should get a little therapy in. Call around and you may find someone for very little (they often have sliding scales). Just keep breathing and try to trust the universe. You have four beautiful children, and you know the fifth will be just as beautiful and bring you just as much job. But for now, it's obviously very hard. Good luck. Keep updating. :) *hugs*

Anonymous said...

joy, not job. but funny slip.

MindyMom said...

Wow. That's quite a surprise. You obviously have a lot on your plate right now and I can relate to much of it. The year I was pregnant with my 4th as a single mom to my older 3 was probably one of the toughest in my life. But I got through it and so will you. I'm here for you if you need anything. And I'm glad The Jeans has been there for you too.


Debbie(single;complicated) said...

no wisom here..I am sorry for what you are going through!!! I am glad you are not alone..and I KNOW you can do this! LOOK at what you have done already...

Nappy Kitchen said...

Keep your head up. I can not stress that enough. As a woman who has, too, walked through fire, I can tell you that it will get better.

For me, it was Christ's arms that I collapsed into when I could no longer bear the agony that my life had become.

Look up, sister, and keep walking.

StudentMama said...

I read your blog from time to time. I felt the need to send hugs...Lots and lots of hugs. I'm in that dark place too - scared to reach out to others with my mistakes.

Karissa said...

I remember having depression during my pregnancy. It really sucked, and it took a while but everything did get better after Bean was born. I was strong enough (kinda) to move out with him on our own when he was eight months old.

The description of your kids' reactions brought tears to my eyes. No, you are not alone. Everything will be ok. Stay strong.