Sunday, April 25, 2010

Reading & Finding Myself

I don't want my readers to think that I never have anything positive to say. I have lots to say that is positive I just tend to write out the junk that weighs me down so that I can take another step forward in my journey.
I am learning to look for more positives daily. :) That weekly shot I get in my bum to keep me from contracting hurts when I get it and for days after but the positive is that my daughter gets more time to grow and be healthy. :)
Going from full time at work to part time and losing half of my barely there income hurts but positive side is that I am less stressed and I get more down time on the couch. Resulting in less contractions and again my daughter gets more time to grow in me. :)
Scared as I am on the inside I have been reaching out and crazy things have been happening. New people have come into my life. Good new people. People that I can trust. People that have been encouraging me. Reaching out for me is huge ... even harder with the depression that was killing me slowly. Positive side I am realizing people really love me for just me. The way I am ... flaws and all.
Friday was a busy day but seriously full of blessings. I met with a new friend and we talked for almost 3 hours. I learned so much about myself by just talking to her. I shared things with her and realized that I am not crazy in my thinking LOL. Ok well maybe a little but it's the good kind of crazy.

I came to some major realizations about my relationship with God. It was good. No really it was amazing. My new friend suggested that I read The Shack. I had heard of the book I want to say that I heard about it on T's blog about a year ago but I could be wrong. Anyways I am loving this book. I was warned that I might cry but funny thing I didn't cry where I thought I would.
I don't want to give to much about the book away for those who have not read it.
What I can say is that I realized just how much my God loves me. Really every tear I that has dropped from my eyes He has collected. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, fears, hurts ... you name it ... yet he still loves me. Shannon that has made so many mistakes in her life. Who has shunned Him. Ignored Him. Called Him every bad name I could think of and told Him he could go where the sun doesn't shine. Loves me :)That is so freakin amazing.

After some serious praying over the last few weeks about if I should write The Coach a letter or just hold for awhile I felt led to do it today. Almost 4 hours of writing and the letter has been sent. Not an easy letter to write. I keep praying he receives it just how I meant it to come across. Not as an attack. Not as judgment. Hopefully he can learn something about himself and maybe even me.

I am trying to organize myself a little better so that I can write daily. I have so many things to get out of me. Some good. Some sad. Some just to get out so that I can look back at someday.

I am taking my very pregnant self to bed. Picture was taken Friday afternoon. One day shy of 26 weeks. My belly is at the uncomfortable stage already. The next 10-14 weeks should be fun. Yes those are bags under my eyes. :( I have never been a good sleeper. Being pregnant and not being able to get comfortable is not helping the sleep problem.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

1 comment:

Karissa said...

You look 20! Wow. Stay strong.