Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Random Rambling

Today I feel emotionally drained.
I haven't had a good cry in over a week but today I feel as though I cried my entire day.
I did cry today. I was between classes this evening and as I sat in my car the tears just started to fall.
Sadness and grieving over my relationship with The Coach.
Realizing each day that umm I am having a baby ... alone ... again.
Relief at the way things turned out with my work situation. (had a meeting today with my boss, human resources and a union rep)
Struggling with letting go and not being a control freak and letting God take over.
At the same time realizing again that His plan is a billion times better than the one I envision.

So many changes in my life over the last few weeks. Heck over the last 7 years but the last few weeks I can visually see them. In myself. I am growing. Maybe in a way I am finally growing up.
I have always felt like I was stuck ... like I was this grown woman but there was a 12 year old insecure girl in me. She was stuck there. Hurts, broken hearts, harsh words, abuse, insecurities about her self worth were all holding her in there. I feel her slipping out. Letting go.
It's hard. I think I found a safety in being stuck.

Does this even make any sense? Just letting my fingers do the talking tonight. I should be in bed. However my belly is popped big time this past week and I am finding that getting comfortable and getting sleep is not always possible. I am also struggling with sleeping alone. I want my belly rubbed. I want to be cuddled and told I am beautiful when I am pregnant. I want all of this with The Coach.

I know why God has put me here. I know why The Coach can't be and shouldn't be in my life at this time. Just hurting. Grieving. Sad.

At the same time . I find peace in knowing God is changing me. That He has been holding me up the last few weeks. That I am not alone ... even though I feel like it at times.

About a week and a half ago I called my brother feeling frustrated with everything. Questioning everything even though I knew the answers to most of it. I need to grow. God is growing me. However my brother made a good point. He said ...
"When you prune a tree (or plant) to get rid of the dead stuff it hurts but you have to get rid of it so that new things can grow."
That's what God is doing with me. He is pruning away the dead yucky crap. The things that suck the life out of the rest of me ... the good growing parts of me. It hurts to be pruned. To let go. Even when I know that the dead yucky stuff would have killed me it is hard to let go of. I will let go. I want new growth. Healthy new growth. :)

I am now down with my random rambling for the night ...

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


T said...

Big love. You are beautiful.

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

you are going through so much! My heart aches for you!! However, I KNOW God has a plan! And I KNOW you will be OK! are loved! And yes, you are beautiful!inside and out!