Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Coach, The Jeans and The Ex ... Oh My!

Starting with the Ex.
Last week we had a huge fight about money. It was over who was going to pay for uniforms for baseball and softball for Little Man and Turtle. I had no idea that me calling and asking about who was going to pay for the uniforms would be such a battle. He signs the kids up for sports. He insists that they need to play sports. He's never asked me to help pay for it and really he shouldn't. We are both considered low income so we get a discount when we sign the kids up for sports.
I don't want to relive the entire story but after agreeing to pay for half of the uniforms for each of the kids I thought we were good. Oh not so ... He proceeds to call me back and give me the riot act about how I spend my money and how come I am not paying for all of this. Umm excuse me??
I lost it. Big time lost it on him. :(
I went off about how I pay close to $300 a month for health insurance because he got fired from his job and refuses to go back to work. How I pay for car insurance for mini-me. How I pay for clothing, hair cuts, and pretty much everything else the kids need. Oh I was livid. I told him to get off his butt and go get a job. He is a student. He gets unemployment. He claims he can't work and go to school. Crazy cause I've been doing it for a year now.
I figured out what all the huff was about over the money. I noticed when I met him to drop kids off that his girlfriend (they live together bought a house together in the last year) was driving a different car. I asked Little Man if they had got a new car and he told me yes.
Ahhh that explains so much. He and his girlfriend have a new house and a new car. Of course he can't and doesn't want to pay for things for his kids. Top it off he was sharing with his parents about a trip he and his girlfriend just took for the weekend. I was not ease dropping ... it was at one of the kids games and I was sitting right next to them. I'm over it all now. I don't feel bad what so ever for the things I said. How I handled it that's a different story. I'm going to continue spending MY money the way that I see best fit for my kids and and I. :)

The Jeans .... A comment was left after my last post asking about The Jeans. We talk once a week or so. I've had to do a lot of thinking, praying and searching of myself over the last few months. It's been a hard few months for me. I pulled away from The Jeans during my searching of myself. I have a love for the Jeans that is hard to describe ... I realized during the past few months that I don't want a relationship with him. We have shared so much over the past few years and it made it very hard to come to the decision. However when it came down to my true desires for a relationship and what I want in it and out of it ... he is missing some things that are very important to me. Our beliefs in God is a huge issue for me. He doesn't believe and I do. He changes his mind weekly about if he would ever get married. I want to be married again. I also factored in that I am 6 years older than him, have 4 kids and am pregnant with another one, and that we live 2 hours away from each other. Neither one of us wants to move and really can't move. I'm not sure he is ready to take on a family of 6.

Then there is The Coach. I love him. I miss him. The relationship we had was not healthy but it doesn't change my feelings. Honestly I pray daily for healing to happen between us. I pray for a lot more than that actually. I don't know where things will go with us. At this point I am just moving forward with out him. I have not made an attempt to reach him for almost 3 weeks. I haven't heard anything from him for almost 2 weeks. This has not been an easy road for me. I've fully put my faith in God and whatever happens is in His hands. I will admit that tonight has been rough ... I'm sad that he is not experiencing this pregnancy with me. That in 8 days or so I will have an ultrasound and he won't be there. I should make it clear that I really feel that God is telling me to just "be still". That is why I have not contacted The Coach and told him anything about the shot issues or the ultrasound. I'm guessing that unless you are in a relationship with God that might be hard for some of my readers to understand.

I'm finding that my relationship with God is bringing about a lot of changes in my heart and my life. It is a hard journey that I am on but I am walking into it with open arms and embracing all of the newness. I can see so many positive changes that have happened over the last few months. In me. In my kids. In work situations. I am learning to love me. Not to be afraid. Realizing that God is in control and that's a good thing. My sense of direction has gotten me into all of the blah places in my life. It's about time that I let God take over and take me to the great places. :)

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown


Anonymous said...

I am glad that you have God and trust in him. Thanks for explaining the current state of affairs. I admire you for following your heart and your beliefs. You go girl! - cassee01

T said...

Be still.

Indeed. That is a beautiful message.