Labor Fears ...

First off thank you so much for the comments on my last post. :) I am doing alright ... I have moments like on Father's day when I passed The Coach and his girlfriend in her car and my heart hurts and I cry. Then I have other moments where I remind myself why I pulled away from the relationship and I move forward a little more.

Dr. appointment and ultrasound in the morning. I have not told The Coach about either appointment. I did however invite his mom to the ultrasound. :) She is beyond excited. Mini-me is coming also.

On to my real issue of the night. You would think after having 4 kids that I would be alright with the labor/birth thing. I had them all naturally ... yes that means no drugs ... feeling all the pain. Tonight however I am having a major panic moment.

The thought of labor pains is freaking me out. My labors tend to be very fast and intense. If my water breaks we are having a baby with in 20 minutes. No break between contractions. I have gone from 5cm to 10cm in ten minutes. My body does not mess around.

I have never had a birth without my mom or a husband being with me. Right at this moment I still don't have a "solid" person to be with me at the birth. What freaks me out even more is that I am not sure whomever I have with me will know me well enough to help me when I start to panic. I always have a small panic moment during birth ... My Mom and The Ex both knew this and I would tell them months ahead of birth how to handle me. They always did perfect. I don't have anyone to tell that to this time. :( Ok as I write this I know that I have God and this brings me comfort but I am sure He and you all will understand that sometimes just having a physical human next to you touching and comforting you is what we need.

As much as I am ready to have this baby I am all about her just you know coming out of me pain free like she has the 3 times in my dreams. LOL Kind of just falling into my arms ... *sigh* that would rock.

Seriously I long for a labor like Little Birds. Woke up in the morning with mild contractions. Walked around the house and took a shower. While in shower they got stronger. Decided that since my births go fast we should head to the hospital. Think we got there around 10am. Did the check in thing and got monitored. Contractions remained mild until around 6 that evening. Seriously I walked up and down the hallways playing an electronic Uno game. The only reason they kept me at the hospital was cause I was dilating and the monitor showed huge contractions (I just didn't feel them). Was checked and had made it to 7cm. They broke my water ... I panicked asked for drugs LOL Ex told me I would say that and reminded me that I had about 15 minutes and I would be holding Little Bird. Sure enough ... urge to push was upon me and I let my body do it's thing.

Can I just have that again?

Please don't suggest an epidural or any other drugs. Just not me. The thought of something in my back and not being able to feel my legs or move about freely freaks me out more than the pain of labor. I have some control issues in case you didn't know lol. I feel more in control with out the drugs than I would on them.

Whoo ... alrighty got that all out. Need to go meditate or sew or something to help me relax.

The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1833

Confirmation

Nothing like being on Facebook and seeing a picture of The Coach and his new girlfriend.
Confirmation that he has been with someone all along. :(

I will not lie I am sitting her crying and I hurt so bad. :( I had honestly hoped God was working on him. That he would pull his head out of his ass and see everything he is doing. Obviously not happening.

I don't want a man the way The Coach has been. I have never wanted a man that way. However I fell in love and now I am having his baby. I so wanted him to change.

I will not give up on God. I know he has the power to do anything. I will continue my walk with him and have Faith that someday I will have the man I deserve. If God plans on it being the Coach ... then there is a lot of work to be done in both of us.

This is the 3 time in my life that I have been pregnant and had the father choose another woman over me. It will take a major act of God to help me get over this.

I have been questioning if I would have The Coach in the labor with me ... right at this moment I want nothing to do with him at all. I honestly wish that he would just leave like Mini-me's dad did and that I can have Dani to myself. I don't want him at the birth. I don't even want to tell him when I have her. Selfish I know and I am talking through a huge amount of hurt right now but this is how I feel.

:(

Dr's, Showers, and Car Accidents ..

I have been meaning to update what happened after my last post but I have been so busy. I am extremely tired so here is a really quick (for me) update ...

I called The Coach late Thursday night to let him know what time the appointment was on Friday. Of course he did not answer. Left message. Walked to appointment on Friday (my Dr.s office is at the end of my street). Texted Coach to let him know I was at the appointment and if he was coming he would find me in the office. He never showed up. I haven't heard anything from him.
After a ton of prayer and some other signs from God I know calling him was the right thing. Now I know that I did what I was supposed to and the rest is in God's and The Coaches hands. At least until God shows me different. :)

By the way nothing exciting about that appointment. Saw a partner in the practice. :)

Saturday I went to a ladies study at the church. Had a very nice time as usual. An hour after the study in the same location my wonderful Mini-me hosted my baby shower. :) It was very nice and my sweet Dani has all that she needs when she arrives. After the baby shower ... seriously like right after I came home changed my clothes and went to Little Man's baseball game. Left his game early to take Turtle to her softball game. Ate dinner out that night ... 12 hours of business no way was I cooking.

Sunday ... Oh man went to church and of course was way happy. Planned on taking kids to see Karate Kid movie at 2. Little Bird was at his grandma & grandpas (The Ex's parents). The Ex was had the boys Friday and part of Saturday cus of my shower. Anyways he sent Little Bird up to his parents. They did not bring him home on Sat. The Ex said he would get him Sunday and have him home in time for me to take the kids to the movies. At 1 I get a phone call saying he will be leaving his parents soon. It is about a 25 minute drive. At 215 he has not arrived at my house. I decide to text instead of call as I don't want to start a fight. I get a text saying .... ok.car troubles. call soon. So I am thinking he was changing his oil at his parents or something and they screwed things up. I'm annoyed but decide to just continue nesting (yes I am nesting) and that we will go to the 4 o'clock showing. At 3 he calls again but I am not near my phone. He leaves a message telling me that he has had car troubles and to call his parents house. I decide not to call as I figure he will call me again or bring Little Bird soon. At 4:50 I leave my house with Turtle to go to Target to get a few storage totes. No sooner do I get in the store The Ex calls.

He apologizes for being so late and says that it is not his fault. He and Little Bird were in a car accident. WHAT!!??? So his car problems were that he was going to fast around the curve coming down the hill. Front passenger tire got stuck and the car rolled into the ditch. I mean rolled and landed on the top side. He assures me that Little Bird is fine. Just a few cuts on his left hand from the broken glass.

*sigh* I can not even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my Little Bird is still with me. That by the grace of God he was not hurt worse and that he did not die. I took him to the Dr. on Monday and he has a mild case of whiplash. I am glad that my Ex is still around also and he was not hurt worse. It was hard enough to tell my other kids about the accident. I can't imagine having to tell them if it was worse. After losing my dad to a car accident I get a little freaked out about them.

Monday I obviously stayed home from work to take care of my Little Bird. Mini-me, Little Bird and I had a nice time together.

Tuesday I went back to work and then did running around with the kids before they went to their dads.

Today :) Wonderful Wed. Went to work and came home. Had a Dr. appointment today (did not call and tell The Coach and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about not doing so.) Anyways ... Sweet Dani is hanging in there. I am dilated around a fingertip ... probably 1cm if we really messed with my cervix. It is shorter than it was a few weeks ago. The goal is to keep her in for another week and a half. :) So like around the 26th would be ok for her to arrive. I have another ultrasound next Wed. My belly was measuring 2 weeks behind again.
Was told that if I start to really contract or anything weird comes up before Friday afternoon to call and they will give me steroids to help her lungs. The last day to do this is Sat. I am praying we don't need to go that route. :)

As for the ultrasound I have not decided if I will call or let the Coach know. I have however invited his mom to come with me. She was extremely excited and of course said yes. This is her first granddaughter :) Mini-me will also be joining us that morning. Mixes emotions about The Coach. I want him there. I love him. I don't want him to miss things like this. However he is a 35 year old man that needs to figure some things out and grow up.

Praying that Dani is growing on target. If she isn't then really I just pray that God gives me whatever I need to take care of her ... while she is in me and after she comes out.

Ok that is my short version of the last week. I am taking myself to bed. My feet, ankles and my calves are so swollen they ache. :( On a totally great note ... Tomorrow is my last day of work. WHOO HOO Oh and the kids and I are going to the midnight showing of Toy Story 3. I can't tell you how excited we are. We have planned this for months. :)

And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. ~Terri Guillemets

Follow Up ... The Coach

As I said Tuesday I would be back to finish what I started. So here I am and hopefully I can write it out clearly. Ignore typos I am to lazy to fix anything tonight.

Let's go back to Monday. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and the caller ID showed that The Coach was calling me. We haven't talked for I think it is about 6 weeks or so now. I am honestly to lazy to go back and look it up. Anyways ... I wasn't sure if I should answer the call or how to answer the call. I decided to answer the phone and act like we had never had any problems. So you know fake cheerful.

The first thing he asked was how was I doing. I said well I am pregnant with a little giggle. Then told him that I am uncomfortable and don't sleep much so I am tired. He then asked if we could get together sometime this week for lunch so that we could talk. I honestly was not able to speak for a moment. When I finally said something I told him that I had finals and it was a busy week and that I could only meet Tues. or Wed. He said ok then started asking how I really was and how the baby was doing. He was being very nice.

Long story short he actually agreed to meet Tuesday and we agreed on a time and place. Hung up the phone and wasn't sure if I wanted to vomit from the anxiety I held in during the conversation and the thought of seeing him or if I wanted to cry. I was with Mini-me and told her what we talked about. She had a few things to say about why he called ... not very nice things. Which I totally understand .... he has been a jerk. I told her we needed to think positive and maybe just maybe he had changed. Maybe God had been working on him as he had been working on me.

Tuesday was just a yuck day all together. I don't talk about work much because my blog is not private. Not that I share it with anyone but you never know who will come across it. However work has not been very nice to me for a few months. Tuesday was not a good time. I had 20 minutes after I left work to let go of my issues there and go meet The Coach. I was so nervous about what he might have to say and meeting him that I didn't want any of my work issues to affect the way things went with him.

I get to our meeting place on time only to find that their is no parking and that every high school boy is currently there eating lunch. I text The Coach and let him know I can't find parking and that maybe we should meet somewhere else. I also asked if he was there yet. No response so I found a parking spot in another parking lot all together. I called him ... no answer. I thought maybe he left his phone in his car and that he was inside waiting. So I drove around again, found a parking spot and went in. He wasn't there. I called him again and left a message asking if I had the right day, time and location.

Thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet he texts me and says he is sorry. That he was in a meeting and couldn't answer his phone. Then asks if I still have time to meet. I was still sitting in my car waiting. I texted back and said yes but told him I didn't want to eat where we agreed upon. We decided to go somewhere else and meet there. Another 20 minutes later he finally shows up.

Seriously I honestly believe the only reason I was so patient was because I have God in my heart. We got our food and I couldn't eat. I had been contracting for most of the morning and felt sick but didn't tell anyone. I also was just freakin crazy insane nervous about what he was going to say.

He started off with how sorry he was for not having any contact with me and not going to any Dr. appointments. He said he was sorry if it hurt me but after doing some thinking he felt it was better if we didn't have contact. He felt that the fighting we did and the fact that we couldn't get along was not healthy for me or the baby. It was better if he just wasn't around. He went on about how he wants to work out a parenting plan and that as the mother of his child he will always treat me with respect. He went on about other things that I have heard before but have never seen happen.

I couldn't look him straight in the eyes. We did when we first sat down and it was one of those intense moments. Where you could still feel the love and longing to be with the other person. We both had to look away. Even when he was done talking and I asked if I could say a few things I couldn't look at him.

I told him that he had hurt me by not calling, going to appointments or by checking to see if we were ok. BUT that I got over it and I forgive him, I told him that honestly I felt like God told me I wasn't supposed to contact him. I shared with him that I was back at church and that I was so very happy. That I was doing exactly what I wanted (God wise). I could feel that he was uncomfortable. :( I know at one point in his life he love God and lived a totally different life than he does now. I think he was uncomfortable because he has shared he wants that life back but for whatever reason he just won't go and do it.

It was so very hard to say those things to him. I started to cry. I held it in ... along with all of the other things I wanted to say. Like how much I love him. How much I miss him. How sad I am that things are not different between us.

What I did say was that I needed time to process the things he told me. I asked him what he wanted from this point forward and he said he wants to be at all of the appointments from now on. I asked about the labor/birth and he told me he will be there.

We left shortly after that because of course he had to be somewhere. It killed me when I watched him walk to a car that was not his. A car that I am 99% sure belongs to a new girlfriend.
On a side note ... as I was out at the college last night for my last class. Guess what car I see ... yep that one. His older son was getting out of it. In fact the woman driving it stopped so I could cross the road in front of her and she let his son out there. Ugh I wanted to puke :(

So I have an Dr. appointment tomorrow (Friday). The Coach knows this but does not know what time. He wants to go to it with me. I told him I needed to process everything. I really don't know what to do.

I have spent so much time in prayer over this. I love this man. It hurts me so bad to be around him and know that he is with someone else. So to protect myself from being hurt anymore it is easy for me to say I don't want him around for appointments or for the labor/birth. I honestly don't want to hurt anymore. So I just want to avoid. :(

I know that I can not avoid. I have asked God if I am to continue being still and not say anything to The Coach. I have asked if I am to call and tell him I am just not ready for him to be around. I have asked God if I am supposed to agree to letting The Coach come with me to appointments.
I know that God has a plan in all of this ... I am just having a hard time with it.

In my head I feel like if I be still that is not what God wants me to do. If I tell The Coach that I am not ready for him to be around then I feel like I am not letting God work in me (on my hurts/fears) or letting God work on The Coach. I keep thinking that maybe if The Coach sees my changes he will change also (God's plan). Then I come to the I agree he can come along and be there for it all and I panic. I can feel all the hurt and pain rising up in me and I lose my faith and trust that God will be there to hold me up through it all. UGH I hope someone can understand this ... or that someday I can read this and understand it.

This is so hard to explain ... After all of my praying I am not 100% sure on what I am to do. Today when I came home I sat down at my kitchen table. My Bible was there as was the Bible study book I have been working in. I am doing a study on Esther with the ladies group. Each week we fill in some notes from the video we watch. This week it said .... "Esther faced the fear"
It also said ... "She (Esther) had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" This may not mean a darn thing to any of my readers (If you've made it this far) but to me I am pretty sure it was God telling me "Shannon stop letting the fear/hurt take control. I am going to be here with you. You are to call him and tell him the time of the appointment. I Am (God) and will work the rest out. In you. In The Coach."

Even after that I still haven't called him. :( I am letting the fear control me. BLAH!!!!! It is almost 10 ... If I am going to make the call and tell him the time of the appointment I need to do it soon. :(

By the time anyone reads this post ... that's if anyone gets this far ... I will have either called him already or gone to my avoidance corner. Either way I could still use prayer. If you are the type to pray :) If not kind words are always welcome.

I never imagined this would be my life ... crazy how taking certain paths in life that look so awesome at the start can change so much as you walk it. Sometimes the path gets even better. Sometimes the path is like walking through fire.

This is me rambling to avoid ... Done avoiding. Going to call. Then I am sure cry my eyes and heart out to God.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

Talked to the Coach and house stuff ...

So I have spent the better part of the last hour crying. Talking to God ... out loud.

Want to write all of my feelings here right now but can't. No time and I am trying to process everything that has happened today.

I am sad. I am hurting. I need a hug.
I need guidance.

Will be back later to write all the details.
Met with The Coach today. I don't know what to do or think about the conversation ... well besides turn it over to God. What I truly want is what God wants for me. Then there is the other side of me that just wants what I want. Trying to keep that side in check right now.

Came home after I met with him to a slew of emails from the realtor about the house. I am heartbroken on this front also. :( It's not mine anymore .... I have to leave it in like a month. The buyer won't rent it back to me because he wants to do major remodeling to it. :( That was like a kick in the gut for me.

I promise to update this more later ... Need to process everything. Cry some more. Pray some more.

19 years ago ...

19 years ago at this time I was in the hospital giving birth to my Mini-me. In just under 2 hours she will officially be 19 years old. I can't believe that she is that old. I can't believe that 19 years of our lives have gone by.

I wish I had some beautiful poetic words to write about her and our lives over the last 19 years but I am not that type of writer. ;) I can say that she really has grown into an amazing young woman and I am so blessed that God chose me to be her momma. I am not anxious for the next 19 years lol but I am looking forward to seeing her grow more. Someday into an amazing wife and momma herself. :) I really do wish I had the words to write about her and my love for her. If you are a momma yourself you will know that love I am talking about. :)

Everyone is still asleep. I am up waiting on the traditional birthday cinnamon rolls to cook. I will frost them while still hot. Put them all on a plate. Then wake up the other kids and we will take them into her and wake her up singing happy birthday. :) We do this for all birthdays in this house ... they have even started doing it for mine.

Then it will be a mad rush to get ready for church. After church we will go to lunch. I have asked her two best friends to meet us their. She has no idea. With having to move and with a new baby on the way Mini-me has graciously said that all she wants is a blankie (yes I am making her a blankie) and for us to spend time together. We had originally planned on going to the zoo this weekend. She and I agreed a 2 hour drive each way and walking all day was probably not the best idea for me. Unless we wanted Baby B to make her arrival today.


Oh my Mini-me how I love you! Being your momma has been so incredible. You have taught me so many things about myself and this world. You really are my best friend and I am so blessed that God chose me to be your momma. I am so happy that at 16 I made the choice to keep you and raise you. I couldn't imagine my life without you.


Happy Birthday!!

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

Dancers

So I officially have two dancers in my house. A few months back I purchased Breakin & Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo (Yes I grew up in the 80's). I had no idea that my purchase would cause Little Bird to become obsessed with the movies and breakdancing.

He has watched both of the movies so many times that the discs are scratched. When I say he watches the movies I mean he gets up and dances the parts out with the movie. He has cried when it's time for bed and the movie isn't over or when I tell him I am not sure I can watch it another time that day.

About 2 months ago we watched a dance group perform and I found out that they offer a boys breakdancing class. Who cares that I am losing my home and I am pretty much broke my son wanted to take the class. It helped that Mini-Me tried out for the same dance company and made their performance squad. We got a sweet family discount. :)

Today Little Bird danced at his first show. Not just any show but at the University. In the big rec center where the football players practice. I thought for sure he would get nervous and freak out. He tends to be shy at times and heck he is not even 7. Seriously I about peed my pants when he went 3rd in the showdown of breakdancers and he totally nailed it. :-o

He was so stinking cute. He didn't do the worm like he planned but he busted out all of the other moves he knows. The crowd was cheering him on :) He didn't even hesitate to jump out and start dancing. Whoo hoo!

I have another dancer and I couldn't be more pleased. :) Being the baby (not for long) he has had a hard time finding what he is good at. Mini-me dances, Turtle draws, Little Man origami and is very tech smart, and me I sew and am crafty in general. I am so glad he found something he loves to do. Even if it is just for a year or so considering he is 6 lol. :)


YAY for dancers. :)

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters
Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

On a funny (to me) side note ... Mini-Me who just learned to mow the lawn 4 weeks ago is currently out front teaching Turtle how to mow the yard. Cracking me up that a 18 year old girl (19 tomorrow) is teaching her 12 year old sister how to mow the yard. LOL I should probably go out and supervise. So both of my girls come back in with all of their fingers and toes.

Remember This

Psalm 56:3
But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.


Anyone want to add to this?

No Longer Mine ...

I've lived in this house for 11 years. I believe that is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Been in this neighborhood for 13. I love it here. I love how close everything is. We've shopped at the same grocery store for 13 years. They know me. They know my kids. I don't live in a small city. There is about 160,000 people in this city. I'm not ready to move just yet.

My realtor called today to let me know that the bank has accepted the offer on the house. I was a bit shocked as I am doing a short sale and the offer is pretty low. We thought for sure the bank would reject it. Just waiting on the final paperwork from the bank saying that they accept the buyers offer. Once it's ready we talk closing date and when I have to be out of the house.

According to the realtor I have about 45 days before I will have to be out. That puts me right around the time I will be having a baby. Freaked out? Yes, yes I am. Trying to remember that God's timing is always perfect and I will be taken care of.

At this point I have no prospects of a new home. We are supposed to be getting housing assistance but they said it wouldn't be until after the baby is born. We also have to move into a 4 bedroom. Finding a 4 bedroom home that isn't in the worst part of town that I can afford is slim pickings.

Right now my biggest issue is that this is no longer my home. :( I spent a little time grieving today. Cried in my car on the way home from work. 11 years of memories. I brought 2 babies home to this house. I've laughed in this house. I've cried tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of grief. So many memories. I don't want to leave those memories just yet.

I know that a new home will bring new memories. We will laugh there. Cry there. Bring home a new baby there I am sure. It just won't be mine.

I'm doing some serious praying for that new home. That it is something I can afford. In a safe place for my babies and I. Praying for some guidance for myself and a little more faith in my God.

I believe some sewing therapy is in order. I posted this quote not that long ago ... but it is very fitting.

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown