No fancy title tonight ...

The boys are much better today. Which is a huge relief to me as I was pretty worried the last few days. They are still coughing but no fevers since last night. :)

I stayed home today and with in 2 hours of waking up I started losing my vision and had yet another migraine. I blindly searched for my Dr.s number and made an appointment for tomorrow. Three migraines in 6 weeks for me is not a normal thing at all. This one was just lovely with a new symptom of facial numbness. My eyes also burned so bad it hurt to shut them. So trying to sleep was just as bad as being awake.

My mom tried to tell me the migraines are stress related, hormones, my age (being in my 30's) and heredity (mom, dad, brother, aunt, grandma). I told her that I have been under worse stress in my life. You know like losing my dad and going through a divorce in a 6 month time period. It is possible that this one could be hormone related as I am due for my period but I don't think so. As for the age thing ... what like half way through my 30's my body just says "Hey let's have more migraines cause she is a year older now" LOL.

What is bothering me besides this new frequency of them is the new symptoms that have come along with them. I have always had aura's (since my very first one at 16). The auras have always freaked me out but they are longer now. Sometimes I can see auras and lose my vision for close to an hour. The facial numbness today was weird. The last 2 migraines I have had what feels like a bulging in the right eye and my peripheral vision is gone. This is lasting around 24 hours. Today I also felt like I was just going to start convulsing. Like if you have ever seen anyone have a seizure and how their body jerks around ... I felt like that on the inside today. *sigh* I am also just exhausted. I slept for a good 3 hours today but I feel like I haven't slept in a day or two.

I am sure the crying I did today did not help my energy level. I cried cause the stupid Electric Company lady was rude to me. I cried cause I took offense to some work email a coworker sent me (I was checking it from home this morning). I cried cause I don't want to miss a 3rd day of work this week. I cried when I went to work today for 20 minutes to talk to the Principal to let him know what was going on.

That last part of my crying was the best though. It took everything to get out of my bed and go talk to him. I was upset about the coworker stuff and the missing work so much this week. I couldn't even sit down and talk to him with out crying. I must have looked funny sitting in his office with my sunglasses on, hair a mess and sobbing my eyes out. This man really intimidates me ... that was until today. As I was trying to tell him my issues he stopped me and asked me if I knew his story. I told him no ... He proceeded to tell me that he was a single dad up until 2 and half years ago when he married his now wife. His ex wife is a functioning alcoholic and he has raised his daughter since she was 2 (she is 13 now). He told me to stop worrying and take care of myself and my kids. He then told me "Shannon it's just a job". I told him it was very important to me ... that I have never had a job I enjoyed so much that. One that I look forward to coming to daily. He told me again "It's just a job". He shared a story about how he felt the same way until his daughter was 8 and ended up in the hospital from the flu. It was then he was like screw it ... it's just a job and my daughter is way more important. I thanked him so much for understanding and we talked for a few more minutes before I left.

I took a step today with my boss that I was not able to do at my last 2 jobs. I feel a little lighter and refreshed with in myself right now. I feel like I may have just grown a little more and I like it. :)

Hearing his story reminded me once again that I am not alone. I could start a whole new post on this last line ... should do that tomorrow.

Taking my headache to bed ... to bad headaches don't cuddle very well. ;)

The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as we continue to live. ~Mortimer Adler

Frustrated ... and I wish it was just sexually

I was not going to write tonight. My day was long and sucky ... I just wanted to curl up in bed with Little Man and read. My brain is not letting me do that. :( It is all over the place and I am hoping by putting it all here I can not feel so restless. I imagine this will be a long one and I apologize ahead of time.

I guess the best place to start is with my day today. I have to say again just how much I love my job but days like today make me so exhausted. I got to work a few minutes late this morning. Partially because I was a slacker and was on the computer here at home lol and because I was not really wanting to go to work. Little Man has strep throat (took him to the Dr. last night). I hated the thought of him being alone all day. I am less than 5 minutes driving and he has a cell phone and knows the rules but he is only 9 :(. I couldn't take today off for way to many reasons to get into tonight.

The first hour or work seemed to fly by. About 9:15 I remember a student talking to me. I was looking at him but kept seeing spots. Like the little spots you see when you look at the sun. I honestly can't tell you what the student and I talked about because in the back of my head I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I must have just glanced outside and the bright light was causing the spots. I looked at my computer monitor, I tried covering one eye, I tried to read the poster across the room and they all had the spots. It was then that I realized I was getting a migraine. Not now! Not Today! The panic started creeping in ... I lose my vision with every migraine I get. I never know how long I will lose it for. It seems to get longer with each one I have. :( I was also thinking why am I having another one ... I just had one 3 weeks ago to the day ... and even the same time. It is rare for me to have more than 1 a year. What are the chances I would get 2 in a 3 week time period. *sigh* I told Ms. LG and Ms. TB what was going on ... they knew that I would refuse to go home (just like 3 weeks ago). They offered the couch in the break room and I refused. Yes I am insane lol. I chose to sit at my desk and wait out the vision thing and just deal with the pain that would come. Forty five minutes of not being able to see normally. I am pretty sure I prayed a few times that I would get my vision back before I had to drive home for lunch to check on Little Man.

I can work through the pain of most anything. I have worked an entire shift with a raging kidney infection before I took myself to the ER. Once my vision was back and I returned from lunch at home with Little Man my day did not give me time to think about the pain I was having. It was pure chaos in my office from 11:40 to 1:30. I had at least 20 kids that had some sort of health issue. Kids that needed meds, band-aids, ice packs, fevers, parents that couldn't be reached ... the list goes on. Add in a detention room that joins to my office that had a Sub working it today and he let the kids go crazy. I had to go in 4 times and tell them to sit and be quiet. I finally got the Principal and told him I was done with them.

The hardest part of my day ... yes even worse to me than my own migraine ... was the selfishness of a "parent". I should state now that the school I work at is pretty much made up of all low income (poverty) families. I realized this when I took the job and I can usually deal with the parents that don't care about there own kids but today I was well I had a migraine and I was just not happy. I adore all of the kids that I come in contact with. I hope that each of them can look back someday and see just how much I cared and that will help them make the right choices.

Anyways ... I had a student (let's call her Hippie Girl) come into my office shortly after 1st period started. She comes into my office a lot. She told me that she didn't feel good. I take her temp and she is normal. She knows the routine ... I send her back to class and she is fine with this. She always comes in on her lunch and visits me if I stay there for lunch. I saw her in my office as I was leaving and she seemed to be ok. Shortly after lunch she comes in and tells me that she doesn't feel good. I take one look at her and tell her to call home. She is a very lovely shade of green and I am not even concerned about her temp. She calls her moms boyfriend and he tells her to tough it out and go back to class. GRRR

In the middle of her phone call I have another student run in screaming at me that she can't breathe. Yes really she is yelling at me lol. Funny to me now that I am thinking about it. I of course have to take it seriously as she has been in my office twice already. I take this girl back to the health room to lay down and Hippie Girl follows. I take Hippie chicks temp and sure enough she is just shy of 101. I call screaming girls mom first where they proceed to get into a fight on the phone about going home. She does not want to go home and insists on staying then hangs up on mom. I then call Hippie Girls moms boyfriend and tell him that she has to go home that she has a fever. He tells me to let her walk home. I sign her out and let her go.

Screaming girl goes back to class only to return later and insist that she now needs to go home. GRR Just like I wanted her to all day. Shortly after my office returns to somewhat normal Hippie Girl shows up at my desk. Now I know I have a migraine and it has been a very hectic day but I have to admit I was very confused. So she tells me that she walked home and all of the doors are locked and she wants to call the boyfriend again. Of course I let her. He tells her that he won't be home for a few hours because he is playing Frisbee Golf. Are you E'fing kidding me??
It gets better ... Mom does not have a cell phone, her work number in our computer is at least 2 years old, Hippie Girl has no idea where mom works, and there are no other emergency numbers on file for her. GRRRRR!!!

We can't let her leave campus again and just wander. She can't be in my health room alone and I can't go back there for the rest of the day. The school counselor and I found her a soft chair and a blanket to sit in. She sat in that chair for 2 hours. :( When school let out I was worried about her going home and not being able to get it again. She asked to use the phone to see if anyone was going to be there. Moms boyfriend is not home and refuses to go home. :( My heart is breaking at this point ... I have to go tell the school counselor to see if we need to call CPS. She tells me to talk to the Principal. He informs me that legally nothing can be done and that if I will be in my office she can stay until 4. Her mom supposedly gets home at 430. I let her stay until I left at 415. She had a temp close to 102 at this point. :(

I just don't get how someone can have kids and just not care about them. :( I know that it is not easy being a single parent. I know that not having money is hard (I am not much better off financially than some of those families) but my God love your kid(s) no matter what and take care of them. Get off your freakin drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships or whatever and take care of your kid!!!!

Today my heart is so heavy and sad for so many of my students. :( If I could I would build a home for them all and take them in and take care of them.

In the midst of my very chaotic day I had a girl get her very first period. I so remember my first one and where I was and how I felt. I just became part of a girls memory for life. She will share that story with her kids and possibly their friends. I hope that she remembers today as one with good memories. :)

~*~*~*~*~*

Ahh man just letting all of that out I feel half way better. I want so badly to go to bed but I know I will end up with insomnia again if I do not let more out.

I am not even sure how or where to begin the next part. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I even think about writing this.

I miss my Dad ... the feeling the last few weeks has been so overwhelming and I keep trying to shove it aside. After 2 years of him being gone I feel as though it should not bother me this much but it does.

Shit this is so stupid. I have not written anything in a long while about my dad. I stopped posting it on my Mypace blog because I did not want my sisters to see it and upset them.

I am not trying to make anyone sad that might read any of this :( My dad died just a little over 2 years ago. Story below ...

- A Pleasant Hill man died in a car crash late Tuesday afternoon in a truck his daughter was driving.

Police say the 17 year old apparently lost control of the vehicle near milepost 11 on Highway 58 west of Lowell.

Oregon State Police say the teen had a valid learner's permit but not a driver's license.

"When we have an opportunity we will talk to her and get a better idea of what was going on. Her inexperience driving could be a factor," says Sgt. Alan Gilbert.

Witnesses told police the truck lost control and flipped off the roadway smashing into a tree.

54 year old Daniel K*******, Sr. was pronounced dead at the scene. His daughter was transported to Sacred Heart Hospital with minor injuries.

It was my little sister driving. She turned 17 the day before. It was 11 days after my birthday and right in middle of my divorce. :(

I am not sure I ever really dealt with his death. Well at least the right way ... ok not in a healthy way cause I am not sure there really is a right way to deal with death. I had dreams about him a lot up until a few months ago. The dreams always freak me out and leave me feeling funky for a few days but not having the dreams anymore makes me feel sad.

I know part of my missing him so much right now is because he is not here to help me fix my problems. He was always there ... he fixed it all for me. Right now I don't need a man in my life I need my dad. :(

Ugh :( Ok now that I got a good cry out and used a half a box of kleenex I can move on ....

~*~*~*~*~*

Last thing for the night ....

I am a person that has very vivid dreams while they are sleeping (in between my insomnia). Lately my dreams have been very bizarre. So last nights dream should not be any more bizarre to me but when I woke this morning I had hope and felt refreshed.

Without to much writing here my financial situation is not the best right now. I am very frustrated and scared at what the future holds for me. As I posted before I plan on going back to school. With all of my financial worries I am nervous about trying to go back to school when part of me feels like I should be getting a 2nd job to make ends meet.

I feel so weird sharing this dream ...

In my dream Matt from Matt, Liz and Madeline came to visit me. He came to meet me and help me set up a scholarship program for Single Moms that wanted to return to College but were worried about losing there homes. This was a program for Single Moms that owned their homes and worked full time but still couldn't make ends meet. In my dream I was surprised by his coming to help me and at first I couldn't figure out how I was going to help other women with scholarships when I felt like I had no money to give them. Not that my dream wasn't weird enough with him showing up to help me I had somehow come into money. Like a lot of money but I don't really know how I got it but there was enough for me to share it with others and help them make it like I had. In this crazy dream I never saw myself in College but I felt as though I finished it and was doing better in life.

The only other thing I remember was that Matt was with me and helping me because he had started a foundation and I felt that he was safe.

Ok that is my totally random dream and this morning I felt hopeful about my future. Even after my crazy ass day with a migraine and my crying above about my dad I feel hopeful.


Now I am taking my headache-y, exhausted, and hopeful self to bed.

Huh I just noticed that I started all of this Frustrated (my title which I started with) and am leaving it feeling Hopeful. :) This is a good thing ...