Sunday, February 8, 2009

How do I let go? .... Part 1

I've been telling myself that I am letting go of certain people in my life. I thought for sure that this was exactly what I was doing but after much thinking over the past few weeks I realized I am holding on to these people as long as I can and for the wrong reasons. I had myself fooled ...

I can not seem to let go of The Jeans and Mr. Bend. I am holding on to little things in hopes that they will some how change their minds about a "relationship" with me. Oh I hate when I am writing and it does not flow like I want it to. :(

Basically I am so scared of being totally and completely alone I am holding on to these men. I know that both of them are not healthy for me yet I hold on.

Mr. Bend has clothing at my house, a trailer, his kids Christmas presents and a cell phone that belongs to him (I used it to talk/text him to save us minutes). We started dating in Sept. and things were going great. The week before Christmas he started acting weird. I wasn't spending enough time with him he said. I was being selfish and putting everyone and everything else in front of him. He came over the day before Christmas Eve while he was in town shopping. He texted me after he left that he was upset that I didn't jump up and hug and kiss him. *sigh* I was in the middle of cutting fabric on the floor. I made 13 pairs of jammie pants in 3 days. I was annoyed that he could be mad at me for that. Christmas morning at the exact same time he was to be at my house with his kids he texted and said he was not coming over. WTF??
I was hurt and angry. He gave me an excuse about his son not being ok and crying. Later I got some other excuse. We fought via text for a day because he refused to answer my calls. Yes yes I know I should have just said screw it then. When he was to bring his kids home over the weekend he promised he would come see me. That didn't happen ... he went to Bend. As far as I know of he has been there since. He wouldn't answer my phone calls and very few of my texts. I would get the occasional "I miss you" texts but that was about it. He deleted me on his Myspace after I asked why he changed his status to Swinger. He told me I was stalking him. Umm ok I just wanted to know where in the heck we stood relationship wise. *sigh*

Two weeks ago he texted me on a Friday morning on the cell phone he had left with me. I didn't see the text until I left work that day. He told me he missed me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner Sun. or Mon. Oh you bet I did. I needed answers about what the heck was going on. He texted all weekend like everything was fine between us. I didn't rock the boat with questions about where had he been. I wanted answers in person. He stopped by Sun evening with his son. I felt very weird around him ... I wasn't sure if I was with a friend or a boyfriend. I didn't dare try to talk to him in front of my kids or his son. Of course shortly after he left I got a sad face text message. I asked what it was about and he said nothing and told me to pick a place out to eat at for dinner the next night.

Monday I texted him and double checked that we were still on. Hours later he said yes as long as I wanted to. As I was leaving work (an hour before we were supposed to meet) he texted and pleaded with me not to be mad at him but would it be possible to make up the dinner on Wed. His mom needed him at her house. *sigh* I knew better than to get my hopes up. The last message I got from him was 45 minutes later ... It was him saying that he had just gotten into a fight with his mom and he would let me know in a few minutes if we were going out that night or not.

I still have not heard from him ... I keep telling myself to write him an email and ask him to come get his stuff but I can't. :( This is going to sound so weird but I don't want him to take his trailer. LOL I can't afford garbage services and I use the trailer to put my trash into and then take it to the dump. This was his idea back in Oct. It is actually cheaper and my neighbors can't complain about trash piling up. There is also some small part of me that wants him back in my life the way it was before Christmas.

I am so seriously afraid of being totally alone that I am holding onto a man for his trailer? Man do I have issues. LOL

The thought crossed my mind this morning (while in Church) to ask him if I could buy the trailer from him with my tax refund but I am not sure he will go for it. If he takes the trailer I have no way to take care of my garbage.

I wish life was not so complicated all the time.

I think it is some time for some sewing and making dinner ... I will write Part 2 about The Jeans later.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown


T said...

Well, the first thing you need to do is relax. We're ALL afraid of being alone. Its ok.

This Mr. Bend guy seems to be playing some sort of game. I don't blame you for wanting answers but, as Jeff Mac says, you have to pay attention to man's actions, not words. He sounds very needy (as we all can be) and wants you to act a certain way to fulfill his needs. And of course, you expect the same from him. But there seems to be a lack of communication. How frustrating that is!!

The question you should ask yourself (and I ask myself this question too) is: Are you keeping him in your life due to fear of being alone or because you really think there's a future with him?

It sounds like you know the answer. Now take a deep breath and feel your worth, girl. You are never alone... (oddly enough, I was saying these exact same things to myself this weekend.)

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog from Quest for T's blog. Glad to meet another single mama! And from Oregon! We could be in the same neighborhood! :)

Sorry to hear of the cliffhanging Mr. Bend leaves you with... ugh!

Anonymous said...

This guy's actions are unexcusable, no matter what he says now. I totally get being afraid to be alone, but you've got to take the leap and do it. You'll never meet a quality man (I assume you want to) while you're hanging on to this loser. He's been treating you like crap because you let him, and hey, if he can keep you on the line and get some nooky every once in a while, you can bet he'll continue.

Anonymous said...

He Just Not That Into You. Period. (Sorry!)
A man who is worth having around does not make last minute cancellations and then call and say that maybe, just maybe he'll take you out, but he'll let you know a bit later. He expects you to sit around waiting for him call? No, thanks. You deserve better.

MindyMom said...

Your quote at the end says it all. But I also agree with the comments here.

You deserve better.