How do I let go? .... Part 1

I've been telling myself that I am letting go of certain people in my life. I thought for sure that this was exactly what I was doing but after much thinking over the past few weeks I realized I am holding on to these people as long as I can and for the wrong reasons. I had myself fooled ...

I can not seem to let go of The Jeans and Mr. Bend. I am holding on to little things in hopes that they will some how change their minds about a "relationship" with me. Oh I hate when I am writing and it does not flow like I want it to. :(

Basically I am so scared of being totally and completely alone I am holding on to these men. I know that both of them are not healthy for me yet I hold on.

Mr. Bend has clothing at my house, a trailer, his kids Christmas presents and a cell phone that belongs to him (I used it to talk/text him to save us minutes). We started dating in Sept. and things were going great. The week before Christmas he started acting weird. I wasn't spending enough time with him he said. I was being selfish and putting everyone and everything else in front of him. He came over the day before Christmas Eve while he was in town shopping. He texted me after he left that he was upset that I didn't jump up and hug and kiss him. *sigh* I was in the middle of cutting fabric on the floor. I made 13 pairs of jammie pants in 3 days. I was annoyed that he could be mad at me for that. Christmas morning at the exact same time he was to be at my house with his kids he texted and said he was not coming over. WTF??
I was hurt and angry. He gave me an excuse about his son not being ok and crying. Later I got some other excuse. We fought via text for a day because he refused to answer my calls. Yes yes I know I should have just said screw it then. When he was to bring his kids home over the weekend he promised he would come see me. That didn't happen ... he went to Bend. As far as I know of he has been there since. He wouldn't answer my phone calls and very few of my texts. I would get the occasional "I miss you" texts but that was about it. He deleted me on his Myspace after I asked why he changed his status to Swinger. He told me I was stalking him. Umm ok I just wanted to know where in the heck we stood relationship wise. *sigh*

Two weeks ago he texted me on a Friday morning on the cell phone he had left with me. I didn't see the text until I left work that day. He told me he missed me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner Sun. or Mon. Oh you bet I did. I needed answers about what the heck was going on. He texted all weekend like everything was fine between us. I didn't rock the boat with questions about where had he been. I wanted answers in person. He stopped by Sun evening with his son. I felt very weird around him ... I wasn't sure if I was with a friend or a boyfriend. I didn't dare try to talk to him in front of my kids or his son. Of course shortly after he left I got a sad face text message. I asked what it was about and he said nothing and told me to pick a place out to eat at for dinner the next night.

Monday I texted him and double checked that we were still on. Hours later he said yes as long as I wanted to. As I was leaving work (an hour before we were supposed to meet) he texted and pleaded with me not to be mad at him but would it be possible to make up the dinner on Wed. His mom needed him at her house. *sigh* I knew better than to get my hopes up. The last message I got from him was 45 minutes later ... It was him saying that he had just gotten into a fight with his mom and he would let me know in a few minutes if we were going out that night or not.

I still have not heard from him ... I keep telling myself to write him an email and ask him to come get his stuff but I can't. :( This is going to sound so weird but I don't want him to take his trailer. LOL I can't afford garbage services and I use the trailer to put my trash into and then take it to the dump. This was his idea back in Oct. It is actually cheaper and my neighbors can't complain about trash piling up. There is also some small part of me that wants him back in my life the way it was before Christmas.

I am so seriously afraid of being totally alone that I am holding onto a man for his trailer? Man do I have issues. LOL

The thought crossed my mind this morning (while in Church) to ask him if I could buy the trailer from him with my tax refund but I am not sure he will go for it. If he takes the trailer I have no way to take care of my garbage.

I wish life was not so complicated all the time.

I think it is some time for some sewing and making dinner ... I will write Part 2 about The Jeans later.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

Your child is who?

I always find it a little awkward when I run into someone that I have gone out with on a few dates or even dated for a bit. It is even more awkward when you have friends with you or coworkers sitting near by watching the running into. They of course always want to know all of the juicy details of the past "relationship".

So as I walk into work today I am sure to be drilled about what happened as I left work yesterday. Ms. LG was laughing and said she was writing it down to remind herself to ask me today.

Yesterday ....

So as I am trying to leave work on time (for once) I see that I have a phone message I forgot to give to the Vice Principal. I walk around to the other side of his office and see that he is just walking a parent into it. I looked at the parent they looked at me and it hits us at the exact same moment ... We've dated! We said the normal Hi how are you?
I am thinking that this parent thought I was just another parent there. That was until I handed the phone message to the VP and explained it. He looked a little confused and I was a little embarrassed.

The minute the VP's door closed I turned to Ms. LG and asked "Who's parent is that?" Oh I so didn't want to hear the name that came out of her mouth. Don't get me wrong I love love love my job. I also love all of the kids I work with. However there are some kids that can drive you crazy, make you want to pull your hair out, and make me feel insane. The kiddos name I got was one of the make me crazy kids.

Ms. LB caught on to why I was asking. I was now as red as my pea coat. I told her I was not going to talk about it. I am sure I will tell her that I dated this parent but I am hoping I can do it without turning 12 shades of red and giving away to much info about my personal life in front of who ever may be around when she decides to ask.

What I am really hoping is that this dad did not go home and ask his son about me. I really don't want him to know I dated his dad.


With all of that said ... this guy is very good looking, we had lots of fun together, and I really have no idea why we stopped talking. I think I pulled a classic Shannon and just started ignoring his texts and phone calls.

Ahh well off to finish getting ready for work ... today is my Friday. YAY me!!