How do I let go? .... Part 2

So I am sitting here going back and forth with myself about how to deal with the Mr. Bend. I had a great talk with my mom today about it. She told me to just not say anything to him at all and keep the trailer until he contacted me for it. I explained that I do not want him to have any reason to contact me. That I just wanted to move forward. She agreed that I was right. Then she tells me that really he left the trailer here and has not responded to my phone calls or text messages so I technically own it now. I love my mom. I really could argue that possession is 9/10ths of the law but I am not sure I want to go there right now.

I tried starting an email to him a few minutes ago but I can't seem to get out what I am feeling inside. I am not worried about him trying to work his way back into my life. I am not worried about me letting him back in. I am way to smart and strong to let him back into my life. ;) No matter how lonely I am feeling. Really my fear is about this stupid trailer and my garbage. If I give him the trailer back I will not have any way to take my garbage to the dump. I can't afford garbage service at all ... in fact I owe them money. :( Since I own my house I can't just leave the garbage on the side of the house until I find another solution or the City will fine me up to $2000 ... I've already gotten a warning in the last year for this. *sigh*

I am sitting here laughing at myself ... it is a trailer and I can't let it go. I am so fearful of what may happen if I let it go that I am letting that control me. What I should be doing is having some Faith that God will provide me with the means to take care of the garbage.

Grr .... somedays I feel like I have not grown at all in the letting go department and other days I feel like I am the Queen. And I am not just talking about the letting go of men ... I am talking about letting go of anything in my life.

Off to write an email ....

*update*

I wrote and sent the email 15 minutes ago. I was tempted to text him to check his email but decided not to. I assume he checks his email daily and he will read it sooner or later.

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~Author Unknown

I'm Avoiding ...

*Sigh* I have to admit I am avoiding things tonight. I know this is not a good way to deal with things but this is me. I avoid things when I am not ready to deal with them.

I do 4 different things that I can think of when I am avoiding ...
1) Clean
2) Sew
3) Drink a beer (or two and usually do #4 also)
4) Crawl into my bed with my laptop and pout

I really wanted and should of cleaned the house but it felt overwhelming to me tonight. Which would have led to me doing 3 & 4 and I am avoiding those things also. So I chose to do some sewing. Which really is a healing thing for me to do. I really can't begin to explain how sewing makes me feel.

As I was sitting in Church yesterday I was having a hard time concentrating. I mean like I feel a bit guilty that I could not pay attention at all. I admit that I was sketching out a quilt idea on the bulletin they gave me. My mind was every where but at Church ... I also designed an entire outfit for Turtle (she is 11) while I sat there. This is also where I had the epiphany about my "relationships" with Mr. Bend and The Jeans. Maybe God was trying to tell me something in his own way?? Maybe I just had a moment of ADD ... Hmm who really knows. ;)

Anyways I am avoiding and I am ok with that right now. I know that I can only avoid for so long and then I must deal with the situation and I will deal with it.

I will also post later this week what I have been sewing the last two days ... Just another idea I came up with while I was in Church.

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. ~Bertrand Russell

How do I let go? .... Part 1

I've been telling myself that I am letting go of certain people in my life. I thought for sure that this was exactly what I was doing but after much thinking over the past few weeks I realized I am holding on to these people as long as I can and for the wrong reasons. I had myself fooled ...

I can not seem to let go of The Jeans and Mr. Bend. I am holding on to little things in hopes that they will some how change their minds about a "relationship" with me. Oh I hate when I am writing and it does not flow like I want it to. :(

Basically I am so scared of being totally and completely alone I am holding on to these men. I know that both of them are not healthy for me yet I hold on.

Mr. Bend has clothing at my house, a trailer, his kids Christmas presents and a cell phone that belongs to him (I used it to talk/text him to save us minutes). We started dating in Sept. and things were going great. The week before Christmas he started acting weird. I wasn't spending enough time with him he said. I was being selfish and putting everyone and everything else in front of him. He came over the day before Christmas Eve while he was in town shopping. He texted me after he left that he was upset that I didn't jump up and hug and kiss him. *sigh* I was in the middle of cutting fabric on the floor. I made 13 pairs of jammie pants in 3 days. I was annoyed that he could be mad at me for that. Christmas morning at the exact same time he was to be at my house with his kids he texted and said he was not coming over. WTF??
I was hurt and angry. He gave me an excuse about his son not being ok and crying. Later I got some other excuse. We fought via text for a day because he refused to answer my calls. Yes yes I know I should have just said screw it then. When he was to bring his kids home over the weekend he promised he would come see me. That didn't happen ... he went to Bend. As far as I know of he has been there since. He wouldn't answer my phone calls and very few of my texts. I would get the occasional "I miss you" texts but that was about it. He deleted me on his Myspace after I asked why he changed his status to Swinger. He told me I was stalking him. Umm ok I just wanted to know where in the heck we stood relationship wise. *sigh*

Two weeks ago he texted me on a Friday morning on the cell phone he had left with me. I didn't see the text until I left work that day. He told me he missed me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner Sun. or Mon. Oh you bet I did. I needed answers about what the heck was going on. He texted all weekend like everything was fine between us. I didn't rock the boat with questions about where had he been. I wanted answers in person. He stopped by Sun evening with his son. I felt very weird around him ... I wasn't sure if I was with a friend or a boyfriend. I didn't dare try to talk to him in front of my kids or his son. Of course shortly after he left I got a sad face text message. I asked what it was about and he said nothing and told me to pick a place out to eat at for dinner the next night.

Monday I texted him and double checked that we were still on. Hours later he said yes as long as I wanted to. As I was leaving work (an hour before we were supposed to meet) he texted and pleaded with me not to be mad at him but would it be possible to make up the dinner on Wed. His mom needed him at her house. *sigh* I knew better than to get my hopes up. The last message I got from him was 45 minutes later ... It was him saying that he had just gotten into a fight with his mom and he would let me know in a few minutes if we were going out that night or not.

I still have not heard from him ... I keep telling myself to write him an email and ask him to come get his stuff but I can't. :( This is going to sound so weird but I don't want him to take his trailer. LOL I can't afford garbage services and I use the trailer to put my trash into and then take it to the dump. This was his idea back in Oct. It is actually cheaper and my neighbors can't complain about trash piling up. There is also some small part of me that wants him back in my life the way it was before Christmas.

I am so seriously afraid of being totally alone that I am holding onto a man for his trailer? Man do I have issues. LOL

The thought crossed my mind this morning (while in Church) to ask him if I could buy the trailer from him with my tax refund but I am not sure he will go for it. If he takes the trailer I have no way to take care of my garbage.

I wish life was not so complicated all the time.

I think it is some time for some sewing and making dinner ... I will write Part 2 about The Jeans later.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown