Friday, March 19, 2010

It's Gone ...

My faith, my belief, my trust in knowing, believing whatever is gone. Today I no longer believe there is a God. If there is He fucking hates me and has to be loving every minute of the pain that I am in.

I have also decided today that I will no longer give my heart out. I will no longer love anyone but my kids. I will remain single and love free from here on out. No longer will I be hurt. Lied to. Cheated on. Abused. Fucked over.

This is my very I don't giving a flying fuck what anyone else thinks post. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Tell me I am horrible I don't care. You can't possibly cause anymore pain to me than I am already in.


C said...

I'm sure not going to judge you, even if you don't believe in God. But do try to hold on to the belief that one day, things will look sunnier and you will have some happiness again.
And the feeling that you will never let anyone else in? For now, if that's what you need to do, keep them out. It may help you keep your heart safe. And one day, if you feel safer, you may be able to let someone in. But not now; you're right.
I hope things turn up for you. Take care of your self. Get outside, breathe, try some coping mechanisms, whatever works. You're having a damn hard time right now, and you need to treat yourself right and try to pull out so you can be thre for those wonderful kids of yours.

T said...

I'm thinking of you. Even if you don't believe in anything right now, I still believe in you.

Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to bounce back up. And bounce you will.


Nappy Kitchen said...

Boy, have I been there!

What I had to do was let go and give it to Christ. I mean really really let go and let him handle 'it'. You are asking God to help, but it seems to me like you are not fully allowing him to to 'have it'. I am the former poster child for doing that (smile).

I don't know you, but I ... am ... pulling ... for ... you and your family.

What I have also found is that when I gave up on God and told him to give up on me, he wouldn't. He's funny that way ...

Know this: there are some things that God has spoken to you about your children, perhaps before they were ever born. There are some plans that he has for THEM. SPECIFICALLY for them. Now ... If He has plans for them, then he definitely has plans for you.

Also, you have chosen to be without a man in your life, right now. I think that's a good move.

I think simply focusing on your family right now would be good. Relationships require a LOT of energy. You are right to pour that energy into yourself and your children.

Anonymous said...

i dont kno u but i care. God goes everything at the right time. i understand that you may be upset with Him but dont. we are suppose to give our problems to God. all of them. we can't ask him to do something for us then we take back the situation. He knows your heart. He created you. if you want to give up on others right now, thats ok. DO IT! God loves you and he definitely is not happy with you being hurt. the devil feels as though he has won. dont give up. hear me that is the DEVIL messing with you. rebuke hime in the name of Jesus. give all your problems to Jesus now. PLEASE. i have hit bottom in a relationship but after i asked God for deliverance, He delivered me and He will deliver you also. again i don't know you but I LOVE YOU! i WILL keep you in my prayers. STAY STRONG FOR YOURSELF, KIDS, AND THOSE THAT GOD WILL HAVE YOU HELP IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

Unknown said...

Wow. I have been reading so much of your blog and my understanding of your life is so amazing. You have sincerely put into words what I feel daily! I am also a single mom of four kids just trying to make it daily, and trying to live my life happily. I am so feeling this particular post. I love God! But sometimes....ughhh, I can feel this soooo strongly! Bless you and your beautiful family.