Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Prayer and my faith in God ...

My faith in God is dwindling today. I have been crying since yesterday afternoon or there about. I should be celebrating the scholarship that I was awarded and my decision to move forward with my business plans but my depression has come in and sucked me in so bad that I can't do anything.

I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.

I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(

I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.

I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.

I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.

Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.

Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying. ~Terri Guillemets


Debbie(single;complicated) said...

he's there..dear friend! he is there! He is beside you as your cry and he is holding you keeping you from sinking deeper!! I am so sorry you are hurting! you are not alone...God is there but so are others..reach out!!!!!

Shannon said...

Thank you Debbie. I keep trying to remind myself that He is there but I am really just not feeling it. :( The depression is seriously blinding me. I am trying to reach out but it is so hard.

My counselor called me tonight and we talked. She couldn't get me in until Friday but she could tell I needed to talk today.

I asked Mini-me to sleep in my bed with me tonight. Just don't want to be alone.

April said...

Well, I'm not a believer, but what I can say is that this sounds like a huge cry for help. I'm so glad you were able to talk to your counselor, and glad you have an appointment, but in the meantime, keep reaching out to friends, loved ones, because it sounds to me like you need comfort from warm-blooded people right now.