Monday, March 8, 2010

Letting go ... this crap is hard

I cried tonight ... Ok really I sobbed. My face is swollen from crying and I look lovely with my mascara and eye liner smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks. Letting go of things in your arms to embrace the new things that are coming at you is so very hard.

As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...

I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?

I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.

Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*

I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.

This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown


T said...

Ok, I finally caught up on everything. Wow girl... you're going through so much. I hope it is helpful to write about it again.

It sounds like you have quite a support system around you. Lean on them and listen to your gut. Even if your gut is also making a baby girl. :)

You'll be fine. And we're all here for you.

Shannon said...

It is so very helpful to write things out. I really missed writing and the healing it brings to me. :)

I have been listening to my gut or at least trying. :)

I know I don't have a ton of readers but knowing that you are all there for me helps. Reminds me that hell you all don't even "know" me but you support me. :)

Anonymous said...


Hi! I recently stumbled across your blog and I have it saved under one of my favorites. You and I are about the same age, in similar situations. I will keep you in my prayers, hold onto your faith.

Melinda in South Carolina