Friday, March 26, 2010

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...

I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.

Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.

I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(

Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.

I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.

I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(

I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.

Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.

I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(

Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Can someone please help me find my faith?

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