Good News and randomness

I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(

The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.

The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.

Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.

I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.

Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.

And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.

*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.

Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.

Happy New year ....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

The wait has begun

I signed all the paperwork today to do a short sale on the house. I signed some in the office this morning when I went to the meeting with the company that wants to purchase the house. Then they brought a realtor over for me to sign all of that paperwork.
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*

The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.

Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.

So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.

I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.

As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.

All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)

I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)

OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams

Praying for a miracle ...

First off .. I had no idea you all would still read my blog. It really means a lot to me today to see the comments. :)

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Around 2am I finally turned off the computer and tried to get some sleep only to lay awake and toss and turn. My brain wouldn't shut down at all. Then like a bolt of lighting the idea came to me to call the company that was interested in the house a few months ago.

Back in July when I came home from Hawaii I had a company approach me about purchasing the house. I met with them but we (me and them) were all pretty positive I would be able to save it. They told me that if anything changed to give them a call. I didn't think much more about it because I really thought I would be able to save the house.

After the bolt of lightening thought struck me last night I went through all the negatives (that's just what I do). I thought there is no way they can help me with the house being sold on Monday. They will just laugh at me. I am embarrassed to call ... blah blah blah my list went on and on while I couldn't sleep.

This afternoon I decided to say screw it and I called. I explained the situation with the house being auctioned next week and the time constraints of the New Years this week and held my breath as I waited for a response. Ken told me to call the mortgage company right then and ask for a 2 week postponement on the auction. Tell them I have a buyer ready now but we don't have time to put a package together this week due to the Holiday. SHUT UP!!!!

After calling my mom again to ask her to pray even more I called the mortgage company. Of course I have to speak to a manager and they are all busy. I was told that I needed to get some sort of package put together and have it faxed no later than tomorrow. Off the phone with the mortgage company and back on the phone with the buyer.

I have a meeting at 930 tomorrow morning. I am really praying that this is the miracle that has been waiting for me. I just need a few weeks time on my side so I can get the money together to move and be able to pay my bills and stuff. This would buy me that time. It would also save what little good credit I have left.

Even though I have a meeting tomorrow and if all goes well and we fax it off I may not know anything until Monday the same day the house goes up for auction. Talk about a killer wait. This really is my last chance for anything to work out to help me in anyway.

I keep asking for prayer on Facebook but no one knows why. I can't bring myself to share with anyone on there what I am going through. I am still struggling with embarrassment of losing my house and the failure thing. I feel so much safer posting here. Even with pictures of me and my kids all over the page ... lol ... No one even knows I blog or used to.

On a really positive note my sewing machine was fixed and returned to me today WHOO HOO. I didn't really have the money to fix it but I need some healing and sewing does that. I am off to sew and pray for my miracle.

Damn it feels good to write. I can feel so many things relaxing and being released. :)


I have used this quote before but I really love it and it fits perfect.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

6 months is way to long ...

It's been almost 6 months since I have written. I really wish that I could say that I was sitting down to write about how wonderful my life has been over these past 6 months and that is why I haven't written. Sadly I can not say that.

Not that there haven't been wonderful moments in the past 6 months. There has been. Right now looking back I see a ton of yuck.

What sucks more is that I really can not even write what is really bothering me right now. I want to say so many things but must figure things out before I open my mouth. I can't even say anything to the people around me and ask for advice or a hug. :(

I can write about the fact that in 7 days my home will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at the County Courthouse. Ten days later I will be homeless unless I come up with the money to move. Oh and a place to move to that I can afford. :( After 15 months of battling with the mortgage company I am officially losing my home to foreclosure. I keep praying that somehow some way a miracle will happen but it hasn't. I guess it's a miracle that I have even made it this far. Having a home to live in for the past 15 months.

Telling my kids the week before Christmas that this will be the last one for us in this house was one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. We have lived here 10 years. My boys were brought home from the hospital to this house. Besides living with their dad a few days a week this is their home. Their comfort place. Their safe place. And now it is being taken from them.

My depression is always bad at this time of year but losing my home and dealing with some other issues that can't be talked about ... I feel like I am being suffocated by it. On a good side note I am back in counseling and I love it. The woman I see is wonderful ... I found her 3 years ago around the time my dad died. She knows my current financial situation and is very kindly writing off part of my copayment each month just so I can see her. :)

*sigh* Man I have missed writing. I need to write more often as it really is healing to me and helps me release the good and bad. It gives me something to look back at and see how far I have made it. To remind myself I can make it through these times when another hard time comes along.

That is my rambling for tonight. Going to try to fix a sewing machine. Broke one last night :( Took it to the shop today. Pulled out my old one and will see if I can fix it so I can sew.

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. ~Francis Bacon

Hawaii Day 1

So we have been in Hawaii now for about a full day and a half. Our flight in was awesome as we got bumped up to first class ... long story but let's just say it had to do with an awesome Alaskan Airlines employee and a cute guy she was trying to sit me next to. Ahh I love when life gives you something great.

We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.

Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.

The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.

Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.

Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...

Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)

I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.

No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...

"Sometimes in life you are blessed with really great friends and life in general. This is one of those time. I am so happy right now"
~Shannon

How about a Giveaway?

I spent my weekend whipping up this super cute apron. I was going to sell it on Etsy but I like things to be perfect if I am going to sell them. I feel this has a few flaws in it ... nothing anyone else would notice just me. As much as I love this apron I just won't use it. I've decided that one of my readers should have it. :)

All you have to do is leave me a comment with your favorite summer recipe. It can be a main dish, side dish, dessert, or beverage. My house gets way to warm to actually use the oven so crock pot recipes are a huge hit with me. Anything frozen makes the kids super happy. Once I see your comment you will be entered into the drawing. That simple! Don't have a good recipe or just want an extra chance at winning? Simple ... just tweet about this post. :) Winner will be determined by a random number generator. Oh I guess I should mention you have until Saturday night 9 pm Pacific Time to enter. That way I can ship out the apron before I leave for Hawaii. :)

Thank you to the lovely Turtle for letting me take pictures.

There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of a woman making dinner for someone she loves. ~Thomas Wolfe

Music Monday

I love music! All sorts of music ... well ok I admit that country is really not my favorite. I have come across a few people in my life that have introduced me to "new" music and have helped me broaden my musical tastes. I enjoy it when other people blog about music and put a video up or a link to the song. I have found a few new artists to add to my collection over the last few months.

I would like to keep adding my my music collection and broadening my tastes. I was hoping that my readers would like to share with me what they are currently listening to or what they have listened to in the past. I will be sharing also. In fact today I have picked a song that I fell in love with a few months back.

The Jeans introduced me to HelloGoodbye during one of my very late night/early morning visits. I immediatly fell in love with them. During another visit The Jeans asked if I was busy about a week later and if I wanted to go to a concert with him. Of course I said yes ... not even knowing who I would be seeing. When I asked he told me it would be HelloGoodbye ... and it would be 3 days after my birthday. They were amazing ... the venue they played in is one of my favorite places to see bands play.

Last August I had the pleasure of seeing them play again in Huntingon Beach, Ca. Right there on the sunny beaches of Ca. ... free concert. What could be better. Mini-me and I were about 4 rows back from the stage.

I am hoping to see them this August when they pay a return visit to Portland. I have already asked the Jeans to go with me. Along with Mini-me and 4 of her friends.

So my song of the week ...

HelloGoodbye
"The thoughts that give me the Creeps"

I can't wait to hear what you all have to share with me. I would love links to listen to or videos to watch. :)

Saturday Snippets

Not sure I will ever get to sleep in. Even though I am not working anymore I am still up at 530 thanks to the sun in my window. I try to fall back to sleep but usually toss and turn for a few hours and give up. Three days of the week I have been tanning to get a good base for Hawaii. I decided that since I can't sleep past 8 I may as well take advantage of the Happy Hour tan time in the mornings. $1 a tan ... really can't beat that. After I go tanning I have been walking about 2 miles. Trying to get the running thing in there when I can but I thought I had a stress fracture so I took it easy for awhile.

Today I am sad that I am not walking. Mini-me and I decided that we needed haircuts before Hawaii. Have to look cute ya know ;) Mini-me got about 8 inches cut off today. I think she is in a little bit of shock. I kept my length but had layers done again as it was just to straight and flat for me to do anything with. Aren't you all glad you are reading my lameness today. ;)

Now I am just sitting here waiting for Mini-Me to get back from a massage (her friends pitched in and got her a full body massage for her 18th B-day). We are going to watch the K-9 competition when she gets home. We have a friend that does K-9 patrol and they will be competing. Should be fun to watch the dogs in action.

Besides that my weekend is pretty lame. I've blocked out that tomorrow is Fathers Day. In fact I forgot until about ten minutes ago when I realized that is why my Ex wanted the kids.


I will be doing some sewing and trying to get things listed on Etsy. I know I don't have a ton of readers but I am tossing around the idea of having a contest. The winner would get a cute item made by me. :)

Man oh man I missed writing. So glad I have time to do this again. Only to be interrupted again when we leave for Hawaii .... In 10 days we will be on our way.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

I See Dead People

Ok so maybe I don't see dead people but after this week I am starting to wonder if there is more to life after death. My dad passed away October 24, 2006 since that time I have had him visit me several times in my dreams.

The most memorable was shortly after he died ... the 3 nights leading up to the dream I kept hearing my name being called shortly after I was asleep. Maybe not even asleep yet but in that dozing stage. On the third night in my dream I was at work. At the time I worked in a medical lab and was in the break room area. I saw my dad and started crying and I tried to hide behind the lockers around the corner from the break room. Some of my coworkers could see my dad while others couldn't. I remember saying to my coworkers, myself and to my dad "He can't be hear he is dead." The next thing I know my dad is on a cold hard flat steel hospital bed thing like the ones you see in the movies when someone has died. It is covered with a white sheet and he is wearing some sort of white gown. I was sobbing incredibly hard in my dream and real life. I could feel myself crying but couldn't wake up. I told my dad that he was dead but that didn't seem to matter. I asked where he was and he said "Tell everyone not to worry. I am safe. Everyone says Hi to you and that they love you. Jesus love you too." Then my dream was over. I woke up crying and weird feeling. During the time that my dad was talking to me in the dream he was morphing from my dad when he died into a younger version of himself. At the end of the dream he was I am guessing in his late 20's to early 30's. I often wonder who "everyone" is that was saying hi to me. Past relatives? Miscarried babies? Random dead people? ;-)

I have had other dreams with my dad in them but he doesn't talk to me in them. I will share those another time as they were interesting also. I had a dream where my dad and The Jeans meet which is very interesting to me. I have even heard the voice calling me just as I start dozing off. This week however I think I have officially seen my dad in the flesh not once but twice.

On Sunday afternoon I dropped Turtle off at her softball game to warm up. I took the other kids to Wal-Mart really quick to get some essentials for the house. As we were walking towards electronics I look up to see a gentleman that looks so much like my dad that I almost burst into tears. Height, weight, hair/beard groomed the same way and the same color. His clothes were cleaner than my dad normally wore ;) and he even wore a hat very similar to my dads. He was walking straight towards us smiling. I turned to Mini-me who was just behind my left shoulder to say something and as soon as I turned my head she said "I know I know Mom." Like she could read my mind and knew what I was going to say. She looked as though the tears were on the verge of flowing.

We turned into the electronics department and the gentleman kept walking but watched us the entire time with a smile on his face. When he was out of site both of my boys looked at me and said "That guy looks just like grandpa." Ok I am feeling a little shaky at this point and seriously want to run after the man and hug him and then explain that I am not a mad woman but that he looks like my dead dad. As I am turned to talk to the electronic guy Krystal informs me that the gentleman has walked by again and stares at us the entire time with that smile my dad would give us.

I feel weird about the encounter for the rest of the day. I share it with a few close friends and then let it go as one of those weird things that happen in life. I let it go until the next night when we were running late to Little Mans baseball game. I have no idea where in the heck I am going as we had never been to this particular ball field. I was angry at my ex for a few things and stressed about being late and not knowing where I was going. We get off the freeway and have to sit in traffic on a one way street. I've got my stereo on and the kids are talking with each other. My windows were down but only about half way. I heard someone talking so I look to my left and see two men about my age talking on a front porch. Next to them is an older man that again looks so much like my dad. This time I just stared ... I had no where to go I was stuck in traffic and honestly I couldn't not look. It was like I a magnet was drawing me to look that way. I could sense that traffic was moving in front of me and was just about to turn away when the man waved at me. Weird weird weird to me ... I turned to look at Turtle who was in the front next to me and she said "That guy looked so much like grandpa that was weird mom." The boys who I thought had been talking in the back seat the entire time and didn't notice anything both chimed in and said "She's right mom that was weird that guy looked like grandpa." Little Man then had to point out that it was weird that it happened two nights in a row.

I have really struggled with both of these encounters. Is it possible that my dad is trying to make contact with me? Or is it just my imagination and missing of my dad playing tricks on me?

Last night well actually early this morning I had a dream with my dad in it. I woke up around 530 as usual because I have horrible insomnia and the sun shines into my room at that time. I started to doze off and I remember hearing that voice and my name being called. I don't really know how to explain this but it startled me into an half awake state ... and at first I couldn't figure out what woke me than I realized I heard the voice and let myself doze again. I remember thinking to myself "Dad I am right here what do you need?" and then he was there but really really far away. I could see him in his jeans and his dirty, smelly work boots. His red flannel looked just the same as when he was alive but he was so far away. :( I don't remember anything else ... I just woke up and thought "Shit I need to call The Jeans and tell him to be safe today."
I tried to let the dream go and I tried to let the message to The Jeans go also but it just haunted me. I finally texted the Jeans around 1230 and told him to "Be Safe". He called me right after and we talked for a long time while he was working. We talked again later in the day and I felt ok with everything. Then while I was at Turtles softball game I got the stupid feeling again that I had to text him right then and tell him to be safe. Which I did ... he called me a few hours later to let me know he was on his way home. We talked until I knew he was home and safe.

Ugh ... This all sounds so weird. This is not the first time I have had dreams about people that are dead. When I was pregnant with Mini-me I had a dream about her biological fathers mom. She had passed away about a year before I even met him. I had never seen a picture or been told what she looked like. When I told him about the dream and what the woman looked like he started crying. I guess I had described his mom perfectly ... even down to the type of clothes she would have worn.

Am I totally nuts?? I've been in a weird funk since this all started on Sunday at Wal-Mart. :( I have a few other things bothering me that are not helping my funk but this is really weighing heavy on me and I don't know what to think or do about it. :(

The Jeans believes that my dad is trying to let me know that he is still here for me. My Mom (who is very religious) couldn't even explain any of it to me. She just tried to tell me that it was probably a mind thing and that I am thinking of my dad a lot. However she couldn't explain the dream things to me ... she knows that I have had several dreams that have become reality.

So confused :( ... Anyone have a similar experience? Please say I am not totally crazy ...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

I'm back and here to stay

Life has finally slowed down a little for me to be able to sit here and write.

It's been a long few weeks. The last time I posted my mom was on her way here to visit for a week. Mini-me turned 18 the next day and just a few short days later she graduated from High School. Mom went back home to Texas.

Now I am caught up in Turtle and Little Man playing softball and baseball. Between the 2 of them this week we have games every night. It is exhausting running all over town to watch games. They have both gotten better since last year when they played. Turtle got to play 3rd base last night and caught her first pop fly. I am wishing I had my camera out cus the look on her face was awesome. She was shocked and thrilled at the same time. The crowd was cheering so loud for her. Since I was at Turtles game last night 20 minutes from here I missed Little Mans game where he got to play catcher and he actually got a hit. Little Bird is in the Little Hitters program on Sat. mornings. He seems to be pretty excited about it.

Checked my grades this afternoon and I got straight A's for the term. This is the very first time in my life that I have gotten straight A's. YAY ME!!! I have signed up for my classes for the fall term and I am pretty excited to be taking a Childrens Literature class. I love reading kid books and this class focuses on that. From infant to young adult ... I have heard it is a really fun class.
I have decided that each term I will find a class that is "fun" or excites me in some way so that I am not feeling stressed about College.

I have managed a few visits to see The Jeans. Things seem to be going well with him. I spent Monday night with him and most of Tuesday before I drove like a maniac home to get to Turtles game. He is going to be taking Mini-Me and I to the airport for our trip to Hawaii ... which by the way is less than 2 weeks away. He will also be picking us up. I really need to sit and write more about what has been going on between the two of us. I am struggling with a few things ... like distance.

I could seriously sit here all night and write but I should sleep some. Even though I am not working anymore I am still getting up at the butt crack of dawn for some weird reason.

Man I sure did miss writing. I have been cranky all day ... I mean like I was in a serious bitchy mood about everything. I am feeling a wee bit better now that I have written some.

Until tomorrow ... oh yes I will be back with lots more to say. ;)

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. ~Henry Van Dyke

Holding back the tears

I am sitting here holding back the tears. I have been awake for nearly an hour now ... laying and thinking about what I should write in my email to my coworkers. If I should write my students a letter letting them know just how much they rocked and how they made a difference in my life.

As I left work yesterday it started to hit that I would be turning in my key today. I won't be hearing "Ms. Shannon I need a ice pack, band aid, to talk, a hug ... " anymore. I won't be telling a kid to sit and be quite in my office while waiting to see the vice principal. I won't know what student is dating another ... yes they come and share this with me for some reason.

I am going to miss my job so very much. :( I honestly did not think that when I started this job just 9 months ago that I would feel this way. It has been an amazing time of growth for me in so many ways and I am not ready to leave yet. I will continue to grow with out this job and I will take all of the lessons I have learned and move forward but I am a bit sad.

I love it when I ramble .... my emotions are taking over.

Today is also my last day of the term for college. I will leave work early today and go out and preform my Hip Hop dance. I am trying to visual myself dancing it on a stage. I am doing all of the moves correct. My kids will out there watching me and at the end I will hear them cheering for me. :) How is that for positive thinking?

If I wasn't feeling emotional enough about the job and the dance thing I had to dream about my dad. I honestly can't even describe the dream but he was there. I always feel sad when I wake from dreams that he has been in. I miss him and wish he was here for me ... especially on days like today. He would be so proud of me.

The tears are flowing ... this is going to be a long day.

My mom also arrives tonight and will be here for the week. This should be interesting ... I will have to write more on this later.

Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown

Almost done

I can't believe that in 12 hours I will be in my last class of the term. I will turn in the last bit of my homework ... that I haven't finished just yet. The only thing left after class tonight is my Hip Hop Performance tomorrow. Yes I am feeling a bit anxious about it but it's possible that my anxiousness could really be excitement.

So what if I mess up a part or two of the dance right? I have made it through 10 weeks of classes and I didn't give up. Although at times I wanted to ... dance is way harder than I expected. Again I have to give Mini-me some major props for doing this kind of thing for 4 years. Learning a dance in ten weeks was hard. She would learn 5 dances in 6 weeks and then compete at competitions.

So much more to write but no time this morning. I should be writing a paper on transition and getting ready for work.

I miss writing daily and reading all of the blogs I follow.

"Moving forward one step at a time"

One Week

Wishing I had more time to write. One more week of work. One more week of school. Then I am jobless and homework free. I can then write daily again. I know that I need a job but not having one and being able to write daily and sew whenever I want makes me so excited.

I already have plans on what I am going to sew. Plans on what I want to write about. Cleaning will happen also as my house is a complete mess from not having enough time to tend to it properly.

Sad that I have to stop typing now so that I can go get my day started. Excited because that means I am one day closer to the things I mentioned above.

This was just a lame update from me. :)

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~C.S. Lewis

What Street are You on?

Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Dear Select Friend,

I've been wanting to write this since Saturday night after I left you down at the bar. I really didn't want to leave when I did but I was on the verge of crying and The Boy was waiting for me in the parking lot and The Jeans was waiting for me to call him back. I wanted to stay and talk to you more. We had just started a good conversation and I wanted to continue it. Although I think all of our conversations are good but this one I could tell would have been even better than normal.

I also didn't want to leave because I wanted to tell you just how much you mean to me. I couldn't find the right words and I am not sure I will be able to now. You came into my life when I was newly single and pretty wild. You have watched me go through a divorce, lose my dad, changing jobs several times, issues with several boys and The Jeans that I can't shut up about and many other things. I really honestly can not tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the last few years. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I believe that we were meant to be friends (that sounds so corny)

Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent into, the many glasses of beer you have bought me, for teaching me how to play pool, advice on pretty much everything, comments on how great my ass is ;-) or just how pretty I am (I need those reminders), for fixing my computer(s) countless times, and for letting me just be me. I don't think I have ever really thanked you for any of these things. I wish I could do more than just write this silly letter on my blog for you.

I could probably write so much more here but I think I will stop and just tell you that I love you to pieces and I am so very glad that you are my friend.

MUAH!!

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

Budget Cuts + Me = No Job

I was officially told today that I will no longer have a job after June 5th. I have been sent home for the day so that I can deal with my emotions. My position will be going to a coworker that has been there a few days longer than me. They were going to tell her what was going on after I left for the day. Is it wrong of me to hope that she doesn't want the position and that I will be asked back?

I am so majorly bummed right now. Crying very hard as I try to type this out. I have never loved a job as much as I love this one. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but right now I am trying to figure out why in the heck is everything being taken from me and where in the heck is this all taking me. I am not sure I can do much more of this. I am tired of taking a step forward and feeling like I am being shoved back twenty.

There is a chance that I can be recalled or asked to work in another position at a different school but I am not sure how that all works. All the Principal could do was keep telling me how sorry he was. After I left the Vice Principal called me and apologized. They both offered to give me outstanding recommendations for any other job.

Keeping to my word and positive attitude ... In the middle of him explaining that I will be laid off I tell him "That's ok I am going to Hawaii" He had to laugh as did I.

So I am now looking for a way to either save my house or sell it and find a place to live and I am also looking for a new job. Can't sell my house and move with out a job. Can't stay here cause they are taking it from me. :( Ugh ugh ugh ...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

She's Crafty! (Again)

Have I mentioned how much I love to sew? I love when I make something new and it turns out better than I imagined or when I finish a project that I set aside because life distracted me. Last weekend and today I made some time sew. I feel so calm right now. Sewing and creating brings me so much joy and peace to my heart.

Of course I have to share pictures :) The newest project that I made was a crayon roll for two of my coworkers little girls. :) They came out so stinking cute ... I had another coworker ask if I would make some for her nieces.

Cute Cows

Cute Kitties

Today I finished up the quilt I started for my mom back in November. It was supposed to be her Christmas present but I ran out of time and then I set it aside because I was frustrated with not having enough fabric for the border. She will be here in 19 days and I plan on surprising her with it by having it on the bed that she will be sleeping in. I am so excited!! The reason I went with a Red, Blue and Cream theme is her birthday is on the 4th of July.

Quilt for Mom

Two more quilts to finish and I will be a very happy camper. I also have a few tote bags that I started and never finished that have been calling my name from the fabric closet. It will be a nice summer sewing.

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Arthur Buddhold

Positive thinking is where I am going

I did not get called back to do a 2nd interview with the University. I admit to being bummed about this but I can not let it take control of my emotions today. I will not over think what I could have done better in the interview.

I will move on knowing that as of right now I have a job that I love.
That I will probably have that job again in September and still love it.
I will and am focusing on finding a job for the summer.

And my new way of totally thinking about things when I am feeling bummed or frustrated ....

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!!!

I will get through all of this ... I always do.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Never enough time ...

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

Lyrics:
The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

Her last dance

It is just amazing to me how fast time is flying. Four years ago when Mini-me entered her Freshman year of high school I thought had plenty of time before she grew up on me. As I took these pictures tonight I wanted to cry. Prom ... the last big dance of the year. Technically the last big thing before she graduates. Four weeks from today she will be 18. Five short days later she will walk across the stage and accept the diploma she has worked so hard for.
A week ago she came into my room crying and crawled into bed with me and said "I am not ready to be a grown up." I hugged her and told her it would be ok and she would be fine. Tonight I am not ready for her to be a grown up and I think I am needing a hug and someone to tell me that everything will be fine.



The girls before we left to meet with everyone else

Mini-Me and her Boyfriend

Six couples and the single guy



It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings