Holding back the tears

I am sitting here holding back the tears. I have been awake for nearly an hour now ... laying and thinking about what I should write in my email to my coworkers. If I should write my students a letter letting them know just how much they rocked and how they made a difference in my life.

As I left work yesterday it started to hit that I would be turning in my key today. I won't be hearing "Ms. Shannon I need a ice pack, band aid, to talk, a hug ... " anymore. I won't be telling a kid to sit and be quite in my office while waiting to see the vice principal. I won't know what student is dating another ... yes they come and share this with me for some reason.

I am going to miss my job so very much. :( I honestly did not think that when I started this job just 9 months ago that I would feel this way. It has been an amazing time of growth for me in so many ways and I am not ready to leave yet. I will continue to grow with out this job and I will take all of the lessons I have learned and move forward but I am a bit sad.

I love it when I ramble .... my emotions are taking over.

Today is also my last day of the term for college. I will leave work early today and go out and preform my Hip Hop dance. I am trying to visual myself dancing it on a stage. I am doing all of the moves correct. My kids will out there watching me and at the end I will hear them cheering for me. :) How is that for positive thinking?

If I wasn't feeling emotional enough about the job and the dance thing I had to dream about my dad. I honestly can't even describe the dream but he was there. I always feel sad when I wake from dreams that he has been in. I miss him and wish he was here for me ... especially on days like today. He would be so proud of me.

The tears are flowing ... this is going to be a long day.

My mom also arrives tonight and will be here for the week. This should be interesting ... I will have to write more on this later.

Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown

Almost done

I can't believe that in 12 hours I will be in my last class of the term. I will turn in the last bit of my homework ... that I haven't finished just yet. The only thing left after class tonight is my Hip Hop Performance tomorrow. Yes I am feeling a bit anxious about it but it's possible that my anxiousness could really be excitement.

So what if I mess up a part or two of the dance right? I have made it through 10 weeks of classes and I didn't give up. Although at times I wanted to ... dance is way harder than I expected. Again I have to give Mini-me some major props for doing this kind of thing for 4 years. Learning a dance in ten weeks was hard. She would learn 5 dances in 6 weeks and then compete at competitions.

So much more to write but no time this morning. I should be writing a paper on transition and getting ready for work.

I miss writing daily and reading all of the blogs I follow.

"Moving forward one step at a time"

One Week

Wishing I had more time to write. One more week of work. One more week of school. Then I am jobless and homework free. I can then write daily again. I know that I need a job but not having one and being able to write daily and sew whenever I want makes me so excited.

I already have plans on what I am going to sew. Plans on what I want to write about. Cleaning will happen also as my house is a complete mess from not having enough time to tend to it properly.

Sad that I have to stop typing now so that I can go get my day started. Excited because that means I am one day closer to the things I mentioned above.

This was just a lame update from me. :)

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~C.S. Lewis

What Street are You on?

Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I feel helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't ee it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This was handed out to us in my class tonight. Five of us read a part of it out loud. I read the second part. As I was reading it I wanted to cry. I can't tell you how many times I have walked that stupid street with the hole in it just to fall down the hole. I am sitting her tonight wondering if I have ever really gone down that other street or if I am stuck in part IV and I am just walking around the hole out of comfort that it is there. Does that make sense? Afraid to move on to the other street because it will be new and unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn something new and I don't know anyone on that street and I don't know my way. I worry that there will be other holes to fall in and I will have to find a way out of them.

I think I have started on that new street a few times but I get scared or lonely and I go back to what I know on the old street. Wow I am scaring myself with my deep thoughts over here. Actually the more I sit and think about it I think I have made it down the new street and I some how I just take a wrong turn and end back up on the old street. Not that I like the old street ... it's more of a comfort thing in knowing what to expect and do in life.

I shouldn't think so much this late at night ...

How hard it is to escape from places. However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. ~Katherine Mansfield

Dear Select Friend,

I've been wanting to write this since Saturday night after I left you down at the bar. I really didn't want to leave when I did but I was on the verge of crying and The Boy was waiting for me in the parking lot and The Jeans was waiting for me to call him back. I wanted to stay and talk to you more. We had just started a good conversation and I wanted to continue it. Although I think all of our conversations are good but this one I could tell would have been even better than normal.

I also didn't want to leave because I wanted to tell you just how much you mean to me. I couldn't find the right words and I am not sure I will be able to now. You came into my life when I was newly single and pretty wild. You have watched me go through a divorce, lose my dad, changing jobs several times, issues with several boys and The Jeans that I can't shut up about and many other things. I really honestly can not tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the last few years. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I believe that we were meant to be friends (that sounds so corny)

Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent into, the many glasses of beer you have bought me, for teaching me how to play pool, advice on pretty much everything, comments on how great my ass is ;-) or just how pretty I am (I need those reminders), for fixing my computer(s) countless times, and for letting me just be me. I don't think I have ever really thanked you for any of these things. I wish I could do more than just write this silly letter on my blog for you.

I could probably write so much more here but I think I will stop and just tell you that I love you to pieces and I am so very glad that you are my friend.

MUAH!!

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

Budget Cuts + Me = No Job

I was officially told today that I will no longer have a job after June 5th. I have been sent home for the day so that I can deal with my emotions. My position will be going to a coworker that has been there a few days longer than me. They were going to tell her what was going on after I left for the day. Is it wrong of me to hope that she doesn't want the position and that I will be asked back?

I am so majorly bummed right now. Crying very hard as I try to type this out. I have never loved a job as much as I love this one. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but right now I am trying to figure out why in the heck is everything being taken from me and where in the heck is this all taking me. I am not sure I can do much more of this. I am tired of taking a step forward and feeling like I am being shoved back twenty.

There is a chance that I can be recalled or asked to work in another position at a different school but I am not sure how that all works. All the Principal could do was keep telling me how sorry he was. After I left the Vice Principal called me and apologized. They both offered to give me outstanding recommendations for any other job.

Keeping to my word and positive attitude ... In the middle of him explaining that I will be laid off I tell him "That's ok I am going to Hawaii" He had to laugh as did I.

So I am now looking for a way to either save my house or sell it and find a place to live and I am also looking for a new job. Can't sell my house and move with out a job. Can't stay here cause they are taking it from me. :( Ugh ugh ugh ...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

She's Crafty! (Again)

Have I mentioned how much I love to sew? I love when I make something new and it turns out better than I imagined or when I finish a project that I set aside because life distracted me. Last weekend and today I made some time sew. I feel so calm right now. Sewing and creating brings me so much joy and peace to my heart.

Of course I have to share pictures :) The newest project that I made was a crayon roll for two of my coworkers little girls. :) They came out so stinking cute ... I had another coworker ask if I would make some for her nieces.

Cute Cows

Cute Kitties

Today I finished up the quilt I started for my mom back in November. It was supposed to be her Christmas present but I ran out of time and then I set it aside because I was frustrated with not having enough fabric for the border. She will be here in 19 days and I plan on surprising her with it by having it on the bed that she will be sleeping in. I am so excited!! The reason I went with a Red, Blue and Cream theme is her birthday is on the 4th of July.

Quilt for Mom

Two more quilts to finish and I will be a very happy camper. I also have a few tote bags that I started and never finished that have been calling my name from the fabric closet. It will be a nice summer sewing.

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Arthur Buddhold

Positive thinking is where I am going

I did not get called back to do a 2nd interview with the University. I admit to being bummed about this but I can not let it take control of my emotions today. I will not over think what I could have done better in the interview.

I will move on knowing that as of right now I have a job that I love.
That I will probably have that job again in September and still love it.
I will and am focusing on finding a job for the summer.

And my new way of totally thinking about things when I am feeling bummed or frustrated ....

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!!!

I will get through all of this ... I always do.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Never enough time ...

I find myself listening to certain songs over and over again and then I get hooked on another song and forget about the one I was addicted to. As I was out with Mini-Me the other day I heard one of my favorite songs by The Killers playing in the store we were in. The next time I was in the car I put that particular CD in and went straight to that song.

I find this Cd to be almost spiritual to me and I keep coming back to these lyrics.

And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

I've posted these lyrics before because I could really relate to them. I am feeling that way again. Especially the last two lines. For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been letting fear control me. I have let my own mind poison me and fill me with self-doubt about so many things.

As I was listening to the song yesterday I really heard the next line in the song ...

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

It was like something clicked in my head. It was telling me to take the chances or I will lose my chances. Hmm how to explain this ... If I let my fear and my self-doubt control me instead of having the faith that I know I can have I could be missing out on so many things in my life. Oppurtunities to grow and make changes that may be needed. I don't want to be the stranded castle in the sky with the drawbridge closing. I want to move forward even if it scares the shit out of me.

I made the reservations for Mini-me and I to go to Hawaii. Now that I am over the money fear I am struggling with a flying fear, being away from my kids for so long fear, and a holy cow I am going someplace new and I have no idea what to expect fear. I want to find a way to conquer these fears.

I was offered an interview with the University for tomorrow. I am so extremely fearful at this point that I almost had a panic attack last night. Why do I let this fear control me like this? The self-doubt has creeped in and I wonder if I am even cut out for this job. I have a friend in the department that helped me get the interview and now I wonder if I even deserve it. There will only be 4 people interviewed for the competition. I was told by my friend to take out all of my piercings and hide the arm tattoo. I dread that they will bring up my past job history and ask why I no longer work for certain companies. I did not leave on the best of terms with two of them. How do I word that so it is not a negative on me??

So many things to write about and I am now going to be late for dance class. Dang it I miss writing. :(

Lyrics:
The Killers
A Dustland Fairytale

Her last dance

It is just amazing to me how fast time is flying. Four years ago when Mini-me entered her Freshman year of high school I thought had plenty of time before she grew up on me. As I took these pictures tonight I wanted to cry. Prom ... the last big dance of the year. Technically the last big thing before she graduates. Four weeks from today she will be 18. Five short days later she will walk across the stage and accept the diploma she has worked so hard for.
A week ago she came into my room crying and crawled into bed with me and said "I am not ready to be a grown up." I hugged her and told her it would be ok and she would be fine. Tonight I am not ready for her to be a grown up and I think I am needing a hug and someone to tell me that everything will be fine.



The girls before we left to meet with everyone else

Mini-Me and her Boyfriend

Six couples and the single guy



It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

To go or not to go ...

So a year ago I made a promise to Mini-me and her bio-dad that she and I would go to Hawaii after Graduation. It would be a birthday/grad gift. We were supposed to go last year but I felt a family vacation with all of the kids to Ca. to visit family was more important.

So here we are one month away from her birthday and 5 weeks away from graduation and I don't know what to do. A co-worker of mine is from Hawaii and lives on the island that we planned on going to. She asked me 2 weeks ago if Mini-me and I wanted to come with her on her trip. She will be staying with her brother and he has already said it is ok for Mini-me to come and stay there. My co-worker has told me that we won't need to worry about transportation as her brother has a car and she will be renting one. Food will be taken care of also. Of course I would want to pitch in some money for food and gas.

Up until 2 weeks ago I had enough airline miles to fly both of us there and back. I gave half of my miles away to my mom so she could be here to watch her 1st grandchild graduate from high school. So now I only have enough miles for one of us. If we chose to go we would have to purchase one ticket with cash.

I have been watching Alaska Airlines (who my miles are through) and I found a round trip flight for $500. Even better I wouldn't be using all of my miles for this trip. I would have a little left. Even better it is for 10 days instead of the 7 I had planned on going. My Ex has even agreed to watch the other kids while we are gone. Oh and Mini-me's bio-dad has offered to help pay for the ticket. I am thinking he is going to pay half of it.

Who would pass up a trip for 2 to Hawaii for 10 days for $500? Oh that would be me ... well it may be me. As I stated in a previous post (to lazy to get link) my house is being foreclosed on in August. How do I justify a trip like this when my home is going to be taken away from me for not paying? Not that I didn't want to pay it ... I really should post the full story here one day of how this all happened. Anyways ...

When I got my tax refund way back in January I put it into my bank account and it has been sitting there since. I was behind on the mortgage already and had hoped that the money would be used to help get me caught up or work out a modification with the mortgage company but they have not been willing to work with me. :( I am not giving up the fight on the house by the way.

So what do I do? Do I take some of the tax money and take the trip I promised a year ago? Do I tell Mini-me I am sorry we just can't do it?

I feel like crap either way. If we don't go then I feel like I have let her down. I promised her this trip for a few years. If we go then I feel like I am being bad with my money situation.

*sigh* Anyone want to give me their thoughts on this? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. ~Carl Sandburg

Confused about everything ...

I should be learning how to back my Durango into my driveway with a trailer on it but I got frustrated and gave up. It took me forever to learn how to back into my own driveway with just my car. I have no idea how I am going to learn this and not take out part of the house.

Speaking of the house I am at a loss. I spent a an hour talking to my mom today and at least another hour reading stuff online. My good mood that I was in has been drained from me and now I feel confused and scared (again). There has to be a way for me to save my home.

I applied for a job at the University this last week. Talked to a friend that works there in that department and asked him to see what my chances are. He wasn't super hopeful as he thinks the job was earmarked and they just had to go through the normal channels of hiring. It doesn't pay much more than what I am making now but it is 6 hours more a week and the benefits are great. Plus when you work at the college you get discounted tuition ... something I would love to have. Crossing my fingers it works out but not holding my breath. ;)

I met a boy. I say boy cause he is 10 years younger than me. I actually met him back in December through a friend. We have gone out in groups a few times but this last time in March he started texting me daily. He was actually the person that took me to the hospital on Easter.
So Boy and I have been hanging out daily. Movie watching and cuddling has happened and it was nice.

No idea what the heck is going on between The Jeans and I. Last Friday he called like normal but I admit to telling him I would call back and then not doing so. He called last Sunday and talked to me for over an hour and we both shared our struggles that were bringing us down. However last night midnight came and went and he did not call. I called him at 5am when I couldn't sleep and the conversation felt weird and strained. At the end of the conversation he told me that he had a friend riding along with him so that may be one of the reasons the conversation felt weird. I don't know anymore. For over 2 years I have wanted nothing more than to be with this man. I still want that but I don't want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind on what he wants in his life. Not just with me but everything he wants to do.

Bringing me back to Boy. So Boy has told me he likes me. Enjoys spending time with me and that we can talk honestly. Which we really do ... He knows all about The Jeans and my feelings for him. He is not bothered by the fact that I am juggling school, work and 4 kids. He encouraged me to keep going a few weeks ago when I came home from class in tears and feeling frustrated. Not just about the class but the house stuff.

I enjoy spending time with Boy and I admit that I like him but how do I know I like him for the right reasons? Do I really like him? Am I just feeling lonely and liking the attention he gives me? The age thing is not even a factor to me by the way. Both of my step parents are 10-11 years younger than my parents.

Yesterday he did something that left me almost speechless. My work had a Friday at Four to say goodbye to one of the teachers. I invited Boy to come along with me. We had a great time until we were on our way home. Boy was joking around and made a few teasing comments that hurt my feelings. My body language was very obvious that I was upset with him. When we got back to my house he needed to leave right away because it was raining and he had his motorcycle. He wanted to give me a hug goodbye and I walked away. He asked if I wanted him to come back and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was going to go for a walk in the rain as it felt good. About 10 minutes into my walk he called me and said to me that he was sorry for the way he was treating me and that he didn't mean to take it that far. He had wanted to leave the restaurant we were at earlier because it was starting to rain and didn't want to ride his bike home in the rain. He said that he didn't want to ask me to leave because I was having a nice time and enjoying myself and he knew that I needed that. He said he was sorry again and I told him that all he had to say was he wanted to leave and we could have worked out something. Like he could have taken my car and come back and gotten me in his car. He was surprised that I would have been willing to work out a solution. Basically what I am trying to say is this Boy apologized and we talked about it and it was nice. I can't remember the last time any "boy/man" has taken the time to apologize and talk to me like that. I am not sure I am even explaining it in a way that anyone reading this would understand.

Boy has now shown up to my house and I need to go to the store to get stuff for dinner. Full house tonight with 10 of us. Guess that means my writing time is over.

Sneaking in a post ...

I am bound to get into trouble for this but hey I very rarely take a lunch or the breaks I am supposed to.

Just a quick update to say that my Senators office sucks just as bad as my Congressmans office. No answers from anyone on the housing stuff. Just telling me to try the hud website.

I spent most of my weekend looking at jobs and found one that I am very interested in. Of course the closing date is for today. I was up until 1:30 this morning working on supplemental questions, cover letter and updating job history with more details. I also contacted a friend that works their and asked if he knew anyone that could help me out.

I am crossing my fingers that it will work out. I love love love my job here but the pay is not working for me at all. Also working 9 months out of 12 is not helping either. I don't want to leave my job here but I need to find a way to save my house.

Ok back to work for me ... Tonight is busy with Hip Hop class and 3 papers that need to be written.

Thank you ...

Thank you for the comments left on my last post. They meant so much to me. I debated about even publishing the post. I debated if I should take it down. It is not like me to let that kind of stuff out to other people ... or in this case to anyone that may come along and read my blog. I have a few close friends that know my struggles and I don't tell them everything.

Writing has helped me to deal with so many things in my life yet I still feel that I can't fully express myself. I worry what others may think if they read it. Will they judge me? Will they call me names and tell me I am wrong? Will they look down on me? Gee You think I might be a little insecure?

Why do I keep censoring myself when I really want to open up? I wrote my post yesterday to release the anger, frustration and fear. I kept thinking to myself as I was writing to just delete it. No one will ever see it. But I couldn't delete it. My fingers kept typing and I started to feel a little better. It felt good to just let it all out. It isn't the prettiest post but it is how I felt at that moment and I am glad I released it.

I found that going to my dance class last night helped also. I was feeling frustrated by the class last week and feeling like I couldn't do that dang dance. I took all of my frustration that I was feeling about the class and what happened yesterday and put it into the dance. Guess what?? I can do the dance!!! It is not perfect and I am sure it is not super pretty but I can do it. I can do it to the music at the fast pace and not just one step at a time.

I was still feeling a bit upset when I got home from class last night. What I really wanted to do was go buy some beer (kids are with dad) and a pack of cigarettes (I quit in November) and be pissed off and cry. Instead I decided to run. I was dressed for it already so I grabbed Mini-me's Ipod and ran.

The crazy part of this is ... I am not a runner. I have always wanted to run but my asthma gets in the way. Last night I ran and then walked and repeated the pattern for almost a half hour. It felt so good. The last few times I have been upset about things I have wanted to run. Run to escape everything. Run to clear out my mind. Run because I felt it would help. Run so that I wouldn't drink or smoke. I could picture myself running the last few times I was upset but never did it because I thought I would fail. I didn't fail!! I didn't fail!! I did it. I ran. It was not perfect or what others may call running but it was to me and I felt great. I will do it again and again and I won't be afraid of failing.

It would have been so easy to get the beer and cigarettes last night. I am so glad I didn't. Not that I am an alcoholic or anything like that. ;) But in the past when dealing with crappy things I have turned to those things thinking they would help me get through it. Instead they always made me feel worse. I love a good beer but I want to enjoy my beer not use it as a numbing agent for my crappy times.

I am not giving up the fight for my house. It is mine and I will fight until they take it from me or until they give up. I do not give up that easily. I mean heck I fought for my marriage for 3 years. I can fight for this house. I have been positive thinking since October and I have made it this far. I will keep on positive thinking.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back here before I head to bed. I am so proud of myself for making better choices in how I handled yesterday. I have been working on myself for almost a year now (well really a lot longer than that but the last year I have been really focusing on it). Changing habits that were unhealthy for me and for others around me. By making the choices that I did yesterday I really feel like I have grown. YAY ME!!

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

Beautiful Days that turn to Shit ...

I should have known that my day at work was way to good to be true. I should have known that it meant that something would come along and Fuck up my day.

The mailman sucks for bringing shitty mail to my house. My ex sucks for not paying me the full amount of child support each month. Hell he fucking sucks cause he doesn't work, lives rent free with his girlfriend and goes to school full time. I would also like to add that my Mortgage company sucks. They are so not helpful with anything. The Congressman I wrote a letter to a few months ago also sucks. Really even just an acknowledgement that you received my letter would be nice. I am pretty sure I voted for your ass. Sucky people that in some way made my beautiful day turn into shit.

I am sure I will want to retract this post later and I may or may not do it. I am so Fucking pissed right now. I have been crying for an hour. The really hard crying where you cant breath and when someone tries to say something to you the tears fall even harder. This is my blog and I dont fucking care what anyone thinks of me right at this moment. I just need to vent and this is my only place to do it.

I got the notice today that my house is officially in Foreclosure. Writing that sentence makes the flood gates open up again. I have until August to figure out what the hell to do.

Really?? I work full time, raise 4 kids (pretty much alone), and go to school. I am not a druggie or an alcoholic. Fuck I gave up smoking cigarettes to live healthier. I am a good citizen. I had a great job. The ex had a great job. It all went to shit and now I am losing my home. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I have been dealing with the mortgage company for months and can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I have called the Hope Now hotline and got the run around there also. I wrote a letter to my Congressman that went unanswered. *sigh* This new wonderful Making Home Affordable Stimulus Plan that our President has designed is looking like it won't even help me.


I just want to type like every bad word I can think of right now to get out my frustration. I want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day and into the night. I want my Dad to come and fix everything like he used to. I want my Mom to fly here and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead I will wash my face and walk out the door and go to class for the night. I will pretend nothing is wrong tomorrow at work and just tell everyone my puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep are allergies.


Fucking grr .... So I guess the dream I had Friday night where I met the President at the White House and he told me that my house would be mine and everything would work out really was just a dream. *sigh*

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

I'm here ... Really I am

I can't seem to catch a break the past few weeks. So after my post last Friday I was hoping my evening would be better. Heck I was hoping for a nice weekend. I did not get a nice Friday night and my weekend was confusing, painful and frustrating.

Trying to keep this all short as I have to get to sleep (which I don't seem to be getting enough of). Friday night I was going to meet Select Friend for a beer. I had 1 hour to talk with him and hang out before Mini-me needed my car to go do something. The kids were pushing each others buttons as I left the house but that is nothing new when I want to leave to do something by myself.

I was not even to the end of the street when Mini-me calls my cell crying and tells me that I have to come back right now. I ask why and she informs me that Little Mans head is bleeding all over. I wish I could say that I was very patient and calm but I was actually pissed off. I did my share of yelling at them.

When I walked in I found Mini-me and Little Man on the kitchen floor both crying. She was holding a wet wash cloth to his forehead. There was blood all over the floor, his hand and his shirt. Turtle was standing there looking helpless. I made the girls clean up the mess in the kitchen while I took Little Man into the bathroom to clean him up and see if a trip to Urgent Care was going to be needed. Of course it was going to be needed as that is my life. The Dr. did not stitch him up or even use liquid stitches (which I really wish he would of). No he used some tape and pinched it together and said that should do it. GRR Little Man has a good scar now right at the edge of his right eye brow.

So I guess what happened was Little Man wanted to call me right after I pulled out of the driveway. Mini-me was pissed at him so she "tossed" him the cell phone that was on the counter and it hit him in the face. Let's just say this mom does not believe that the phone was tossed and I let all of my kids know just how angry I was with them. Really I just wanted 1 hour of time with a friend to talk. It could of been worse ... so I will be thankful it wasn't. (I just reread the last few lines and I feel like a selfish mom in a way. Makes me sad.)

Saturday I ran away from home and went up to see The Jeans. (The kids were going to their dads for the night and for Easter.) I debated the entire week if I should go and see him. I am very confused and frustrated with the way things are going between us. This really is a story all in itself for another time. We spent a few short hours together before he left for work for the night. It was very weird to be in his place all by myself. My intention was to do my homework. I put it off until midnight as I was struggling with a paper I had to write. I cleaned his kitchen and made his bed instead. I am really good at procrastinating.

He came home from work the next morning and we talked for a bit and had a bit of fun. ;) Which left me feeling overwhelmed with emotions I was not ready for and could not handle. I left his house upset and crying. Driving home for 2 hours gave me a lot to think about. I am still not sure where we stand. However I do know that he cares enough to offer me money to pay my Emergency room visit co-pay.

Oh yes lucky me was home long enough to make the Easter ham and pull it out of the oven before I turned to Mini-me and told her that I needed to go to the Emergency room. I get UTI's and Kidney infections very easily. This one came on so fast and painful I literally thought I was dying. Only 45 minutes spent in the ER. Lots of good drugs to keep me out of work for 2 days.

Ahh I can't forget the mystery rash that appeared on Turtle on Sat. About an hour after I ran away Mini-me calls me and tells me that Turtle has a rash on her chest and her foot. I ask the usual questions what does it look like? What did she eat last? What soap did she use in the shower? (she had just taken one). Everything seemed normal and she was breathing fine. I told Mini-me to let the Ex know when he came to get them. Nothing I could do when I was already an hour away.

When I was leaving for the ER the Ex was dropping off the kids. I was floored when I saw that Turtle had a rash that covered her entire body including her face. She said it was not bothering here but I knew it meant she would be staying home on Monday (good thing I had a kidney infection and had to stay home). Took her to the Dr. on Monday to find out that she had a reaction to the Amoxicillian she was taking for the strep throat she had 10 days before. *sigh* Nine days into the medication before she had a reaction. She will not be taking that medication again.

So my work week was short as I missed Monday and Tuesday. It was crazy busy though and the kids at work were out of control. College sucks when you are sick. I managed to make it to my classes but don't remember much.

This being a single mom, working full time, and going to college thing is very time consuming. On top of all of that I am still working very hard on getting my house organized before my mom gets here. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and it will get easier. I just need to find a routine and I will be fine.

I am going to shut up now ... I really need to find a way to sleep. My mind is constantly going and I can't ever seem to shut it down. I hope to get more blogging time in this week. Really I have to blog ... to get the A grade in one of my classes I need to "journal" at least 2 times a week.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Hello?? Anyone here?

When I got home the other night from work my internet was working. It has been such a long week I am finally getting around to catching up on my favorite blogs.

Wed & Thursday sucked big time. At work the kids were crazy and parents had no problem yelling at me. To top it off they are cutting 4 days off the school year for our School District so I will be out days of pay. They haven't told us what it going to happen for the next school year but it is a possibility that I may be without a job or they can cut my hours in half. *sigh* So trying not to freak out and just have peace about it all. I have made it this far and through other rough times I can get through this.

No work today as it is a grading day. Ran a ton of errands with Mini-me & Little Bird today. While we were out we passed a 4 car accident that literally happened a minute before. As we are making the turn onto the street we need to be on I tell Mini-me to stop talking about the accident as it was causing me to feel panicked (car accidents freak me out for many reasons). Just as I say that I realize that the cars in front of me are not moving and people are going around them. There was another accident.

As I go to drive around the two cars in the accident Mini-me starts freaking out that the driver of the car that ran into the other car was passed out in her car. It was just a bumper thumper accident so it was weird to Mini-me to see the lady passed out. There was a guy from the street (umm like a bum) trying to help her as the driver of the other car was calling 911 and standing next to her car. Mini-me made me pull over to go help. So I did ... I ran to the passenger side door where the street guy informed me that the lady was having a seizure. Sure enough she was. :( My first time actually viewing one and all of the things I know I am supposed to do for someone having one is flying through my head. The street guy had put her seat back and put the car in park as her foot was still on the gas. I just stood and watched her seize. Making sure there wasn't any way for her to be injured.

She came out of it and was very startled to find me in her car. Honestly she had no idea about what was going on. Normal for someone that has just had a seizure. I managed to get her to tell me her name and I explained to her that she had a seizure and help was on the way. As soon as help got there I left. Not much for me to do at that point.

The entire thing is bothering me though. I don't know if this woman has ever had a seizure but I am thinking probably not. There was a car seat in the back of the car and a bottle on the seat next to it. My mom thoughts going crazy wondering if she was on her way to get her child or if she just dropped the child off. I need to let this go as it is eating at me. I did everything that I knew how to do.

So much more I am sure I could write about but I will save that for another time.

Give your stress wings and let it fly away. ~Carin Hartness

Stupid Computers ...

For whatever reason my home computer keeps telling me I do not have an internet connection. I see the little wireless connection that says I do but it won't let me connect to Firefox at all. *sigh* Special Friend will be getting a visit from me to fix what ever it is that I think my kids messed up. They were the last ones on it Sunday and I am thinking that they did something they shouldn't have.

So here I sit at my work computer. I just finished my homework for my class tonight. Thought I would take a moment and update anyone that reads my blog.

The Jeans parents are doing much better. They were discharged from the Hospital yesterday. I don't have the full details of what happened. Didn't have time to ask him.

School is going great. Hip Hop is kicking my butt. I am really enjoying the class though.

Off to eat a quick dinner before I head to class.

I miss reading my regular blogs. :( It is going to take me forever to catch up.

Hope to be back sooner rather than later.

Sorry no time to look up a quote so I am stealing this from the wall in front of me ...

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers

College, Bomb Threats and The Jeans

Holy Cheez-its Batman I am not even sure where to begin. I was going to just write about starting college but then Wed came along and so did the notice of a bomb threat to the school I work in and now none of that even seems to matter when The Jeans calls me and tells me the following ....

Jeans: "I can't talk long I only have a minute" (sounding exhausted)

Me: "What's wrong? You sound exhausted. Are you ok?"

Jeans: "I'm at my parents house They both got Carbon Monoxide poisoning and are in the hospital. My mom had a heart attack"

All I could keep saying was Oh my gosh and I am so sorry. :(

Damn it!!! My heart is breaking for him and I can not do anything to help. I don't know how it happened but I guess his sister found them. His parents live an hour from both of us. He lives one way I live the other.

I guess they were in the hospital here near me but they have been sent up to a bigger hospital near where he lives. It sounds like they are both in hyperbaric pressure chambers. They tried treating his mom today and they had to stop as she started getting sick and throwing up. He is at their house and can't go see them now cause it is after visiting hours. :(

If you are the Praying type please say a few for his parents. Weird as I type this I had to laugh and cry at the same time ... when I asked him what I could do he said "Say some prayers" We have had many talks about God and Religion and our beliefes ... I think I just learned more about him by those few words than I have in all our talks.

Sigh ... my chest is heavy with heartache. I want so bad to be there for him. Mini-me gave me permission to go if he called and needed me. I love that girl!

On a lighter note ... if you can say a bomb threat is a lighter note. ;)

I am a little leary about how much info I put on here about what happened the last few days ... umm actually weeks. I don't keep my blog private and I am not overly concerned that someone will find it and it will ruin my life but sometimes when you voice your opinion/thoughts it can come back and bite you in the ass.

Let me start with I love love love my job. I love where I work and I am very happy to say I don't have problems with anyone I work with.

On Wed. of this week at 9 in the morning (we had a late start) all of the staff was called to a mandatory staff meeting. We were informed that a little more than 2 weeks prior (the week before Spring Break) the librarian found a note in her office. It was folded and supposedly crumpled up a bit. She was going to just throw it away but decided to read it. On it was something written very close to this ...

"This school fucking sucks. On April 3 at 12:30 the school is going to be blown up."

I am not sure of all of the details but I am assuming that the Librarian gave the note to the Principal immediatly. I only say this because I remember the Librarian coming by my desk several times two days that week asking who had been in my office and detention. One of the was to her office is through mine. I have kids in and out all day. She would not tell me why she was asking. I didn't think much about it once Spring break started.

So Wed. we are told about the note. The staff was not to happy to just be finding out about this note. The Principal didn't feel it was a threat at all. He said that it was just a note. It could have easily have been thrown away by the Librarian and never read. If it was a real threat it would have been written on a bathroom wall or in a very visible place. He told us that they had looked at all of the kids they thought it might have been. What he kids they thought it could be I have no idea. Hmmm ....

The staff was buzzing all day into the ears of each other. I hear a lot where I am located at work. You could say I am like the Water Cooler where people come to talk and get info. The consensus was that no one was happy with finding out 2 weeks after the note was found. Oh and so not happy that there was no investigation to see if it was a real threat or to find the writer of the note and give them consequenses.

I found it very weird when the Principal stopped by my desk and asked to talk to me in his office late on Wed. afternoon. When I got in there he told me again why he didn't feel it was a threat and why he wasn't worried about it. I asked to see the letter as I had a student that week the letter was written that was having major issues. I wanted to see if it was that students writing. I told him who the student was and that the writing didn't even look close to the same.

Crazy ass shit happened next he called that student into his office and went through her locker. Again I can only say Hmmm. I have to admit I felt very weird about him calling me into his office to talk to me privately about his descion. He didn't talk to anyone else in private that I know of.

Thursday morning our computers were down so I went and sat on the other side of the office and hung out. I was asked by one of the Secretaries when I was asked for the info about who was in and out of my office that day and for the attendance. I told her that I was never asked for that information. It was then that I found out that the Principal was given the letter and did nothing with it. The only reason we were told about it was because one of the secretaries took it to the admin building and told them about it. WTF?? He didn't tell anyone?? Now I was questioning everything.

As if that wasn't enough drama ... Not one but two students on Thursday got very upset and both chose the wrong words to use. Oh yes both students threatened to blow the school up on Friday. This was also when I assume the Principal decided to investigate who may have written the letter. So they had an Officer come over and they went through the "high flyers" lockers to compare hand writing. Really 2 weeks and 2 days later and the day before the bomb threat is supposed to happen they decide to investigate it. Just a total coincedence that the two students said the things they did. However both students were suspended and hand writing samples compared. UGH!!

End of the day a staff meeting was called ... where the Principal yet again told us that he was not concerned about the letter and didn't feel it was a threat. One of the teachers asked why he told us now about the note and why the officer was there if they didn't feel it was a threat. The Principal said "Well because the threat is for tomorrow and I thought you all should know". HELLO?? When asked why he didn't tell us the day it was found or the next day he said that he didn't feel it was a real threat and didn't want to add more grief to our week because we had just had talks about budget cuts. He then said that he didn't think that telling us when they found the letter woud have made any difference.

Now I am not one to cause waves or rock the boat but I had to speak up. I said "Actually I think it would have made a huge difference. We could have been looking for the student that day when we all remembered who was in and out of my office. Now we have no memory and you are asking me who was in there." *sigh* I was asked around 1:00 on Thursday for a list of the kids from detention. Guess what no detention list for that day. Unable to be located. Hmm ...

We all left that meeting feeling frustrated. The only thing they were doing for us today was having a fire drill at the time the note indicated that school would be blown up. Oh and having two cops on campus during that time. Oh you betcha that made me fee so safe and confident.

Obviously I am here writing this out and there was no bomb at the school. I am upset though that things were handled in the way that they were. I talked to my Mom Wed & Thursday and she and I agreed ... A threat is a threat is a threat! Take them all seriously no matter how it is put out there.

The students that blurted it out got suspended and parents called. They were upset and the staff all agree it was a burst of anger that made them say it. A note found anywhere on campus should of been dealt with immediatly. Staff should have been notified right away. One of the staff members made a very good point ... This note was found before spring break, what if the student who wrote it was feeling suicidal. We could have been watching students for signs.

*sigh* Crazy crazy craziness!!! I have to admit that I was a little nervous today. I didn't sleep well last night. The chances of a middle school student making a bomb and finding a way to set it off at school are small but let's be realistic it could happen. These kids are having sex, doing drugs and drinking. They have access to guns. They have access to the internet where you can learn how to make bombs. Why wouldn't you take a threat written on a piece of paper seriously?

One last thing on this ... As a parent myself I would be extremely pissed off if I found out that there was a threat like this made to the school my child attended and I was not notified of it. I voiced that in the meeting yesterday also. Of course nothing was done to notify parents.


Ok .... I need to wrap this up

I had my first full week of College. I am way excited and scared. Did I mention I am taking a hip hop class? I am pretty sure I am the oldest student in the class. I feel like a complete idiot trying to do the freakin moves but I will not give up. I have committed myself to this class because I wanted to learn to dance and because it is a good workout. So I will look like a freak on crack trying to dance but I will do it with a smile on my face. :)

My other classes are in the Women In Transitions program. I am really excited about these classes. Don't be surprised if you see some of my work making its way to my blog. One of the classes is about Life Transistions and the other Career and Life Planning.

The Life Transistions book has some awesome questions in it. We don't have to do them as assignments but I think they will be so helpful for me to answer them. I want to keep track of my growth all in one place and this is that place.

I have also decided this week that I am insane for working full time, going to school 4 nights a week and trying to raise 4 kids and keep my house clean. The thought of all those things at once is what is making me scared. I keep telling myself "You can do this. You will not fail". I like the you can do this part ... but maybe I should change it from you will not fail to you will succeed.


Did you really just read all of that? If so you deserve a cookie or something. Go ahead go to your kitchen and get one. ;) I am so not done writing you may need it ...

As I was going through quotes to fit this mixed up post I had to smile when I saw the one below. I breifly told The Jeans about the bomb threat stuff when we talked. I laughed and said "I made it through the day and I'm not dead yet I plan on sticking around for a long time" He responded with this quote ....

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Writers Workshop: Surprise!! Mom lied to you ...

Oh I love the prompts this week for the Writers Workshop over at Mama's Losin It It was hard for me to pick just one. Don't be surprised if you see another post or two from me using the other prompts. This post however is in response to Numero Uno ...

Why did you do it?

I did it because I could
I did out of love
I did it for fun

I told Mini-me a few lies this last month but dang that girl is way to smart. Actually we are like best friends and it is very hard to keep secrets or surprises.

About 3 and a half weeks ago I received an email on my work account from one of the Dance team parents. A few of the parents had approached the coach about teaching the parents a routine to preform at the Dance team banquet. I was beyond excited and totally willing to join in on the fun. I have waited 4 years to make a fool out of myself to make my daughter laugh.

The parents all met at the coaches house a few days later to learn our routine. I lied to Mini-me and told her that the parents were getting together to do some gift things for State. I should have said we were going to dinner or something. When State came and went and there wasn't as many gifts as she thought there would be she realized I was up to something. I guess another parent told their daughter that we had all gone to the coaches house. She started racking her brain to figure out what we were doing. (The coach has a dance studio in her house.)

She had been begging me to skip my first day of class to come to the banquet. I originally told her I would think about it. When I felt like she was catching on I had to lie to her again. I am such a bad mommy. I told her that there was no way I could miss my first day of class. I agreed to make 2 pans of lasagna and she could take those. I tried to act sad but she kept making me laugh.

Darn that Mini-me! She would say things like:
"Mommy Please Come"
"I know you are up to something. See you are laughing"
"You aren't really going to school. You are going to surprise me and show up and you are all dancing for us"

I picked her up from work on Tuesday at 5 and told her we had to hurry as I had to be at class at 6. I gave instructions on how to finish up the lasagna and get it to the banquet with her friend that was giving her a ride. I felt a little bad lying to her again as I walked out the door. She said "Mommy you aren't really going to school are you?"
I said "Look book bag with books in it and I am leaving now"
She was a bit sad.

When she got to the High School I was already there and had parked my car where I knew she would not see it. It took her almost a minute after she walked in before she realized I was sitting at a table waiting for her.

She yelled at me "Mommy you are such a bad bad liar!! (started crying) I knew you would be here for me. I hate you!!"

Really I am a bad bad liar and I am pretty sure she meant that she loved me. ;) I did feel really bad for lying to her but happy that I surprised her. It is near impossible to pull one over on her. I can only think of 2 other times I have really gotten her.

Sitting through an entire banquet knowing that at the end I was going to surprise her more just about killed me. At the end of the evening the parents started getting up from the tables and walking away. I grabbed my camera and handed it to her. As I was walking away I said "Stay in your seat (I had picked a front table) and hit the record button in a minute or two." She let out a loud shriek and then yelled "OH MY GOSH!!" No more lying she knew what was coming.

Those girls laughed so hard at us. The lying we all had to do was so worth it. For the record I hate lying!! It is my biggest pet peeve. So this was actually hard for me. Probably one of the reasons she was suspicious.

So you want to see me make a fool of myself? Oh please don't beg (ha ha ha). Of course I will share my my great dancing abilities with all of you. Ok ok I won't lie ... My dancing is not that great but it will make you laugh. You should be able to guess which one is me.

I present to you the Parents of the Sheldon High School Dance Team .....

I would do it all over again because

I had a blast
I love my Mini-Me that much
Just because I could



Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ~Dave Barry