I don't have time or energy to post everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I don't want to cry anymore today ... although I am sure I will be shedding so many more tears over the next few months.
The Coach has a new girlfriend. As far as I know they have been together for around a month or so. Didn't seem to stop him from telling me he loved me or have sex with me 3 weeks ago.
I am crushed. My heart is broken. Confused. Betrayed. So many other feelings.
I am having this mans child. He wanted this child. He told me he would not leave me. Yet look he has moved on. Just like my ex husband did while I was pregnant with our son. Just like Mini-me's dad did ... while I was pregnant.
I want to give up so bad on life. Seeing him with her last night killed everything in me.
So now that I have had this happen to me 3 times. I am done with love. Done with trusting.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dear Readers,
I honestly have no idea who reads my blog but I want to know. Tonight when I got home there was a comment left that brought me to tears but the person did not say who they were or leave a link to themselves.
I want to thank you all that have left comments for me. I don't always respond back to you. I am not always sure what to say. I am often in a huge rush just to get a post out that I don't have time with my crazy life to respond to the comments.
I read them and each and every one of them makes me feel a little better inside.
I don't know any of you but I can feel that you all care and that means so much to me. Especially now when I am so depressed.
Please don't feel you have to post anonymously. I want to know who you are.
Really this is my thank you to all of you that have left comments. Encouraging me. Letting me know you care. It is keeping me going.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Shannon
I want to thank you all that have left comments for me. I don't always respond back to you. I am not always sure what to say. I am often in a huge rush just to get a post out that I don't have time with my crazy life to respond to the comments.
I read them and each and every one of them makes me feel a little better inside.
I don't know any of you but I can feel that you all care and that means so much to me. Especially now when I am so depressed.
Please don't feel you have to post anonymously. I want to know who you are.
Really this is my thank you to all of you that have left comments. Encouraging me. Letting me know you care. It is keeping me going.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Shannon
God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward
(I just did :) S~)
(I just did :) S~)
Faith?
I want the faith that this woman had. How nice it would be to be free of the thoughts in my head that have plagued me for years.
Luke 8:40-55A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman
40Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. 41Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house 42because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,]">[a] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
49While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher any more."
50Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
On a fun note
After sitting in my bed writing for several hours today I got a kick in the gut email but it was just what I needed. It hurt to read the words in it but that's cause they were true. Will write more about that later. So I pulled my head out of my little black rain cloud that seems to follow me these days and I am going to blog about something fun.
After we arrived in Ca. on Sunday and got settled in we decided that since a 2 day pass to Disneyland was the same as a one day that we would head on over to the park. :) My brother and his wife have annual passes so they went with us.
We only spent a few hours in the park but it was so nice to have just 4 of us and not the normal 20+ family members. I love my family but Disneyland with 20+ people at one time is chaotic.
When we arrived at the park all of us girls had to use the bathroom (especially me). So being the smart girl that I am I hand my camera off to my brother and jokingly say to him ... "Feel free to take some pictures of yourself"I should know better than to say things like that to him. A few hours later as I was going through the camera I found these ...
After we arrived in Ca. on Sunday and got settled in we decided that since a 2 day pass to Disneyland was the same as a one day that we would head on over to the park. :) My brother and his wife have annual passes so they went with us.
We only spent a few hours in the park but it was so nice to have just 4 of us and not the normal 20+ family members. I love my family but Disneyland with 20+ people at one time is chaotic.
When we arrived at the park all of us girls had to use the bathroom (especially me). So being the smart girl that I am I hand my camera off to my brother and jokingly say to him ... "Feel free to take some pictures of yourself"I should know better than to say things like that to him. A few hours later as I was going through the camera I found these ...
He looks so innocent ... Then I see these
The nose picking one was brought about from a conversation we had on the way to the park about this guy who digging away while he was driving. I was so grossed out. I made a comment about please tell me about your poop all day long before you pick your nose or vomit in front of me. Those two things gross me out. So now I have my brothers boogers on my camera I am sure. LOL
We went old school and went straight to watch Michael Jackson in Captain EO. I totally forgot just how cheesy that thing was but man when I was 12 I thought it was so cool. It was pretty awesome to get to watch it with Mini-me though.
We went old school and went straight to watch Michael Jackson in Captain EO. I totally forgot just how cheesy that thing was but man when I was 12 I thought it was so cool. It was pretty awesome to get to watch it with Mini-me though.
We are so cool in 3D glasses :)
Had a little fun in Buzz Lightyears Astro Blasters, The Haunted Mansion and Pirate's. Then headed home. Well alright we didn't go straight home. We don't go to Ca. just for family and Disneyland. We eat In & Out Burgers everyday ... so we made a quick stop at one on the way back to the house. :) Seriously the best burgers and chocolate shakes.
I need to get to sleep :( Something about Spring Break being over and work and school resuming tomorrow. *sigh* Back to the real world of ....
I will post more on our fun adventure this week. :) Mini-Me and I did something we would not normally do and it resulted in a lot smiles from others, some blushing, and some awesome memories.
We hit Autopia next and enjoyed our little mini cars and bouncing all around the track. :) Took a moment to take pictures with the Matterhorn in the background.
Had a little fun in Buzz Lightyears Astro Blasters, The Haunted Mansion and Pirate's. Then headed home. Well alright we didn't go straight home. We don't go to Ca. just for family and Disneyland. We eat In & Out Burgers everyday ... so we made a quick stop at one on the way back to the house. :) Seriously the best burgers and chocolate shakes.
I need to get to sleep :( Something about Spring Break being over and work and school resuming tomorrow. *sigh* Back to the real world of ....
I will post more on our fun adventure this week. :) Mini-Me and I did something we would not normally do and it resulted in a lot smiles from others, some blushing, and some awesome memories.
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne
I went to church
I went to Church this morning.
By myself.
Left the kids at home.
Had a panic attack on the way there.
Cried most of the time I was in Church.
I went to the Church The Coach took me to.
I didn't know anyone.
I felt 100% alone.
No one said a word to me.
Until the end of service and a woman tried to introduce herself and I couldn't talk cause I was crying.
She offered to pray for me.
I couldn't tell her what to pray for.
I literally couldn't get words out.
I stood there like and idiot hoping God would just lay it on her heart to know what to pray for.
I wanted so badly for someone to just grab me and hug me.
I prayed that someone anyone would feel my pain and see my struggle and just hold me.
Tell me that God really does have my back right now and that everything will be ok.
Been sitting here since I got home.
Started a letter to The Coach.
Trying to have Faith.
Struggling.
Crying.
Hurting.
Praying.
By myself.
Left the kids at home.
Had a panic attack on the way there.
Cried most of the time I was in Church.
I went to the Church The Coach took me to.
I didn't know anyone.
I felt 100% alone.
No one said a word to me.
Until the end of service and a woman tried to introduce herself and I couldn't talk cause I was crying.
She offered to pray for me.
I couldn't tell her what to pray for.
I literally couldn't get words out.
I stood there like and idiot hoping God would just lay it on her heart to know what to pray for.
I wanted so badly for someone to just grab me and hug me.
I prayed that someone anyone would feel my pain and see my struggle and just hold me.
Tell me that God really does have my back right now and that everything will be ok.
Been sitting here since I got home.
Started a letter to The Coach.
Trying to have Faith.
Struggling.
Crying.
Hurting.
Praying.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Dear Bill Collectors
This is a letter to the bill collectors that would like me to send them the money that I owe them.
If I had money to send to you trust me I would send it. There is nothing more annoying than 10 phone calls in a row from the same number. I won't answer your calls because when I do you argue with me and you just don't get it that I have no money. Also if you can't have a "live" person call me or leave me a message I really don't care to answer my phone. Listening to a computer tell me I need to call you back so that we can argue is going to get you no where.
I hate that my life has gone this direction and that I can not pay my past debts. If there was a way for me to pay for those things you bet your happy butt I would. Not only so you would all leave me alone but so that I could say I took care of my debts cus it's the right thing to do. I honestly hate debt and can't stand suffocating feeling it brings with it.
As for you calling my ex in-laws, my brother and his wife and really even my step mothers parents who I have talked to like 4 times in the 20+ years I have known them I seriously think that needs to stop. If you have the time to research all of those people and that I "may" be related to them in some way and they might have information about me then you should of been researching that I am losing my home due to not being able to make the payments on it and you would have researched just what I do for a living and realize "Hey she really doesn't make any money." Oh and let's not forget that I am a single mom to 4 kids and that my ex husband gives me very little in child support.
So bill collectors if I had enough money I would be paying my bills. Starting with my home loan payment so that my children and I would not be homeless. I would then work my way down and pay the rest of you off. You know if I had money ...
I would appreciate it if you stopped calling other people that have nothing to do with the money I owe you. They don't need to be harassed by you when they have done nothing wrong. However if you want to continue calling me feel free but realize I will not answer my phone and I still don't have money to give you.
Have a wonderful day collecting money from all of the other people on your list that I can only imagine are in the same boat as I am with the crappy economy we are in.
Sincerely,
Shannon
If I had money to send to you trust me I would send it. There is nothing more annoying than 10 phone calls in a row from the same number. I won't answer your calls because when I do you argue with me and you just don't get it that I have no money. Also if you can't have a "live" person call me or leave me a message I really don't care to answer my phone. Listening to a computer tell me I need to call you back so that we can argue is going to get you no where.
I hate that my life has gone this direction and that I can not pay my past debts. If there was a way for me to pay for those things you bet your happy butt I would. Not only so you would all leave me alone but so that I could say I took care of my debts cus it's the right thing to do. I honestly hate debt and can't stand suffocating feeling it brings with it.
As for you calling my ex in-laws, my brother and his wife and really even my step mothers parents who I have talked to like 4 times in the 20+ years I have known them I seriously think that needs to stop. If you have the time to research all of those people and that I "may" be related to them in some way and they might have information about me then you should of been researching that I am losing my home due to not being able to make the payments on it and you would have researched just what I do for a living and realize "Hey she really doesn't make any money." Oh and let's not forget that I am a single mom to 4 kids and that my ex husband gives me very little in child support.
So bill collectors if I had enough money I would be paying my bills. Starting with my home loan payment so that my children and I would not be homeless. I would then work my way down and pay the rest of you off. You know if I had money ...
I would appreciate it if you stopped calling other people that have nothing to do with the money I owe you. They don't need to be harassed by you when they have done nothing wrong. However if you want to continue calling me feel free but realize I will not answer my phone and I still don't have money to give you.
Have a wonderful day collecting money from all of the other people on your list that I can only imagine are in the same boat as I am with the crappy economy we are in.
Sincerely,
Shannon
I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle, 1987
I am having an out of money experience. ~Author Unknown
I am having an out of money experience. ~Author Unknown
Life Is Like A Rollercoaster ...
I am all over the map these days in the emotions department. I would swear I was bipolar with the way that I have been acting and feeling lately. Instead I will just blame it on pregnancy, depression, being alone ... and a host of other things.
Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.
I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(
Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.
I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.
I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(
I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.
Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.
I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(
Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown
Can someone please help me find my faith?
Quick recap on the Ca. runaway road trip. Mini-me and I had a wonderful time together. I felt guilty a times that I did not have the other kids with me but I needed to leave for my own health.
I didn't do much talking about my feelings to my brother or his wife but I did get a ton of thinking done while driving. I will update with more later this weekend.
I've hit another low this morning and I am having a hard time getting out of it. I'm still struggling with my Faith in God. I know that He has got my back but seriously at times I feel as though He has let me down. Seven years ago today I found out that my husband (now ex) had an affair while away at training. I was 5 months pregnant (just like I am now). Not only did he have an affair but he got the other woman pregnant. You can read the story here ... anyways I find today to be a hard day still to this day. Not just because of the things that happened with the ex but for 3 years in a row we were in auto accidents on this day. Feeling a little nervous about stepping out of my house today. :(
Top off my emotions with the fact that The Coach won't speak to me at all. :( I didn't tell him I was going to Ca. until I was more than half way there. He seemed ok with it and told me to enjoy myself and find my peace with things. On Sunday he questioned who I went with and wanted emergency numbers of my family members. Didn't hear another word from him until Wed. when I got home and it was a text that said "ok" to me letting him know we had made it home safely.
I've tried calling him and texting him since with nothing in return. Until about an hour ago when he finally told me he was ok. I was getting worried that something had happened to him. Our messaging didn't go very well and I am now sitting here crying.
I'm mad at God. Seven years ago I turned to God and felt that he showed me things about my marriage at the time. That it would be healed. I waited 3 years and it was never healed. It ended with him going out the night before he was going to move out and meeting another women (that he would date for over a year). I don't get why God would show me things and then take them away? I'm feeling the same now. I felt as though I was shown things with The Coach and I. Shortly after things started going south and now here I am trying to figure it all out. :(
I am trying so hard to keep focused on moving forward but it seems as though my past life just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I know exactly what I want in my life. I can write it all out and describe it in detail but I can't seem to get there. :( Every bump in the road sets me back days or weeks ... heck sometimes it feels like years. Little hills seem as though they are gigantic mountains that I will never be able to climb.
Not that my life is so horrible that I don't enjoy things in it because there are many things I do enjoy and that make me happy. I am just tired of doing it alone.
I am just rambling now. I originally wanted to post two days ago about my trip. Then yesterday I wanted to post about something else. Today I wanted to post about friends (or my lack there of) and now I am just a big crying mess. :(
Off to shower so I can look like a decent human for my eye appointment.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown
Can someone please help me find my faith?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Where I'm at ...
Friday night I took my kids to the movies. I was so depressed about things I left the theater and went into a bathroom stall and cried for 40 minutes. :(
After the movie I had to head home and finish up a baby quilt before the next morning for a friends shower. Sewing is one of the few things that is healing to me. Of course I can't have things be easy half way through quilting the the pieces together I ran out of thread. At 11:30 at night there are not any stores open to get more thread. :( Finally head to bed around 1am only to get up 7 to ask Mini-me to go get the thread needed while I got ready for the shower. The baby quilt got finished but we were 30 minutes late to the shower. My wonderful friend texted me after the shower and said that by far the quilt I made for the baby is the best gift that she got. :) Made me feel great ...
I would be the shorter one in blue. Funny she is having a boy and wore pink and I am having a girl and wore blue.
I would be the shorter one in blue. Funny she is having a boy and wore pink and I am having a girl and wore blue.
So while I was finishing the quilt I got the great idea that I needed to leave on a road trip. My younger 3 kids always go to Cousin Camp during spring break so I don't have them until mid week. I asked Mini-me if she wanted to take a trip with me. Being the kick butt daughter that she is and knowing how depressed I have been she agreed. A few phone calls later and a baby shower down we ran home packed a suitcase in less than an hour and were out the door. :)
Three hours to leave the wonderful state of Oregon :) California here we come ....
Three hours to leave the wonderful state of Oregon :) California here we come ....
MMM Chocolate shakes :)
The best burgers in the entire world :)
Mini-me is not the best passenger in the world. She fell asleep shortly after eating our dinner. With 8 more hours ahead of us and me on little sleep it was a tough drive. I pulled over around 2am slept for an hour and felt great for well another hour and realized that I was imagining things on the road. Pulled over and slept another hour and heading back out around 5:30am. Arrived at our destination at 8:45 this morning.
We have showered. Eaten at another one of my favorite food places that I can only get when I am "home" in Cali. We are now off to my real happy spot. :) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!
So much thinking has been done ... now I just need to find time to write it out.
Thank you ladies for the support. :) it means so much to me.
We have showered. Eaten at another one of my favorite food places that I can only get when I am "home" in Cali. We are now off to my real happy spot. :) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!
So much thinking has been done ... now I just need to find time to write it out.
Thank you ladies for the support. :) it means so much to me.
"When you wish upon a star ...."
Friday, March 19, 2010
It's Gone ...
My faith, my belief, my trust in knowing, believing whatever is gone. Today I no longer believe there is a God. If there is He fucking hates me and has to be loving every minute of the pain that I am in.
I have also decided today that I will no longer give my heart out. I will no longer love anyone but my kids. I will remain single and love free from here on out. No longer will I be hurt. Lied to. Cheated on. Abused. Fucked over.
This is my very I don't giving a flying fuck what anyone else thinks post. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Tell me I am horrible I don't care. You can't possibly cause anymore pain to me than I am already in.
I have also decided today that I will no longer give my heart out. I will no longer love anyone but my kids. I will remain single and love free from here on out. No longer will I be hurt. Lied to. Cheated on. Abused. Fucked over.
This is my very I don't giving a flying fuck what anyone else thinks post. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Tell me I am horrible I don't care. You can't possibly cause anymore pain to me than I am already in.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Prayer and my faith in God ...
My faith in God is dwindling today. I have been crying since yesterday afternoon or there about. I should be celebrating the scholarship that I was awarded and my decision to move forward with my business plans but my depression has come in and sucked me in so bad that I can't do anything.
I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.
I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(
I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.
I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.
I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.
Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.
Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.
I cried the entire time I got ready for work. Made it half way there pulled over in a parking lot and called my daughter and asked her to call me in sick. :( Called my counselor and left a message asking for any appointment she could get me. Texted the Coach only to find that he was going to be an asshole to me this morning. Broke down and called my mom who shared with me that she is not doing much better and has decided to be put on medication.
I've been praying all day. I keep asking for God to show me what I am to do and to block the negative depression crap thoughts from my mind but when I pray it gets worse. My mind is flooded with them. I can't get control. :(
I keep wondering why my God would let me struggle with this pain. He has provided me a home to live in for a over a year with no mortgage payment, He has given me all the food and money I need to provide for my family but I feel like He has abandoned me when I need Him the most.
I won't call anyone else in my family. Not that there is many people to call. This is when I miss my dad more than ever. I have very few friends that I am really close to and trust to tell them any of this. And I am one of those people that doesn't want to burden someone else with my problems. One of the reasons why I blog ... I can get it out and no one can judge me and I am not burdening anyone.
I can't even bring myself to call either of the churches that I have attended. I am not close enough to talk to anyone at the church the Coach and I went to. It's been over a year since I went to my church and although I had "friends" there while I attended I was never close enough to any of them to share my life. They never even knew about my Ex husbands affairs or the problems we had. Well ok the pastor knew but really never felt 100% comfortable talking to him.
Where in the heck is my God?? I need this depression and pain to stop. I can't miss anymore work. I have 4 kids that need me ... who shouldn't see there mom crying so much. Another one growing in me that I am sure crying and feeling this way is not good for. My house goes on the market Friday and it is no where close to being clean.
Even as I struggle to keep my faith in God I continue to pray and cry.
I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying. ~Terri Guillemets
Monday, March 8, 2010
Letting go ... this crap is hard
I cried tonight ... Ok really I sobbed. My face is swollen from crying and I look lovely with my mascara and eye liner smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks. Letting go of things in your arms to embrace the new things that are coming at you is so very hard.
As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...
I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?
I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.
Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*
I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.
This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
As I have mentioned before my relationship with The Coach was not a healthy one. I honestly can't think of one way that it was healthy ... well ok there was the rare occasion that we could actually talk things through and I would think things were going to change only to have it go back to crap 3 days later. Still not healthy ...
I am struggling with letting go of him. I know that the relationship was unhealthy but I love him. I am carrying his child and don't see him going away anytime soon. How do I let go?
I feel like I am going through a divorce again. I am feeling the same loss, hurt and pain. It is so overwhelming to me at times all I can do is cry like I did early tonight. Right in the middle of doing my math homework.
Somedays I want to tell him just where he can shove it all and that I want nothing to do with him. That includes having him around for our daughter. Other days I just want to have a civil relationship so we can raise our daughter without the constant fighting. Then other days I pray that God will work on us both and bring us back together. *sigh*
I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I love being alone and being able to live my life the way I want. However I am human and I desire to share my life with someone. Is he the right person? Right now HELL NO!! Will he ever be I have no idea but I am feeling as though I just need to let go. To not get hurt again/more.
This hurts and man I am so tired of hurting.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses
I am doing everything in my power to snap out of the depression that has sucked me into its black hole. Last night I emailed the rest of my family and informed them that I would be adding a new member to the family. I was honest in all of my emails about how I was feeling about things. It was very hard for me to be that open and honest about my feelings but I am glad that I was.
I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.
My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.
I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)
In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)
I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.
I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.
Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)
I have not heard anything back from my brother and his wife. :( I know that emailing my family was probably not the best way to tell them all but I was struggling with telling them and just typing out an email took all of the courage I had. I wonder if they are upset or disappointed in me. I will in the next week if I do not hear from them.
My best friend of 20+ years was shocked but so extremely supportive that I of course cried. She is actually very excited for me and is already talking about a trip up to see me after the baby is born.
I feel as though I can breath a little deeper again now that I have let the secret out completely. :)
In case you missed my Smile post I mentioned there that I am having another daughter. I honestly could not be more pleased. I have always wanted a house full of boys but my girls have taught me so much and I can not wait to add another daughter to my family. :) This girly will be getting a very special name ... She is being named after my dad. Well ok she gets the girl version of his name. Danielle or Dani for short ... Since my dad died I knew that if I ever had another child it would have his name in some way be it a girl or a boy. :)
I am having a little trouble "bonding" with her. Silly I know as I am just pregnant but I am finding it hard to be excited. :( Still working on forgiving myself for getting into this situation. I am also struggling with the fact that I am once again alone during a pregnancy. My Ex wasn't a touchy feely loving type of husband while I was pregnant. Something I have always wanted.
I am working on all of this though ... I am not going to let my depression rob me of enjoying parts of this pregnancy or the birth.
I have been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly since I turned 10 weeks and it is helping me to be a little excited :) Oh and aren't my readers lucky they get to see my belly get bigger. The collage below is weeks 10 to 19. I try to get a picture every Sat night before I go to bed.
Wish that I could sit and write for hours but my bed is calling me to sleep. Something about being 35 and growing a baby inside of you that makes you just a little more tired than usual :)
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell
Monday, March 1, 2010
Peace begins with a smile. ~Mother Teresa
The sun
Sewing
Memories of my dad
The smell of my moms laundry
Getting an A on a tough test
Disneyland
Feeling my newest daughter move around inside of me
Knowing that God chose me to be her mommy
Just a short list of things that make me smile :)
Sewing
Memories of my dad
The smell of my moms laundry
Getting an A on a tough test
Disneyland
Feeling my newest daughter move around inside of me
Knowing that God chose me to be her mommy
Just a short list of things that make me smile :)
If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. ~Author Unknown
Thursday, February 18, 2010
To move forward I must look back ... just briefly part 2
Well it's only taken me 6 weeks to find time to come back and finish the second half of this post. Trying to move forward and struggling ....
So when I left off I was a few months into my relationship with The Coach and I had told The Jeans I could no longer talk to him. Three months into my relationship with The Coach I should of walked away but I had fallen hard and my insecurities kicked in. I found myself turning into an old me that I hated but for some reason I couldn't break free and leave The Coach or my old self I was turning into. :(
I missed The Jeans I missed the Me I had been working on and finding. My relationship with The Coach was and sadly still is not a healthy one. I let things happen that I should have never let happen and I never should have stayed. I let someone have control over me. Something I said I would never let happen again. The crappy thing in all of this I really love The Coach and hoped for so much more. So I stayed ...
Which leads me to the secret I mentioned back here The secret that was killing me and I thought was going to end a friendship. I will be needing to change the title of my blog as I will no longer be Single Mom x's 4 .... In July it will be Single Mom to 5. Yep my secret is that I am having a baby. The Coaches baby to be exact. I have mixed emotions about all of this that I will get to and maybe if I have any readers left someone can help me with advice.
So the friendship that I thought I was going to lose was The Jeans. Back in November before I found out that I was expecting I pulled away from The Coach and the relationship. I started having anxiety attacks on my way to his place and I realized I couldn't stay in the relationship the way it was. Around the same time I was struggling with the house stuff and needed/wanted to talk to someone I trusted. The Jeans and I started talking again. I shared with him the house stuff and opened up to him about the relationship with The Coach and what had happened. I was starting to feel ok again ... not as depressed about everything because I had a friendship back that I loved and cherished.
Then my world came to a brief stand still when the test came back positive. I thought for sure that The Jeans would never talk to me again once I told him I was pregnant. Five weeks ago as I sat in my car crying I texted him and he called me back. I could barely get the words out between my tears but I told him everything. He assured me he would not leave me. We spent close to 12 hours talking in a 24 hour period. About everything he and I had been through over the past 3 years. He cried and told me he wished the baby was his. He finally admitted that he has loved me all along. I can't even begin to share how much I have cried the last 5 weeks.
I admit that I love The Coach and it is so hard to just end everything. Even harder now that there is a baby on the way. I can't stay though. I've tried to work things out but I am getting no where with him. He says he loves me and wants me but there is abuse in the way he treats me and I just can't do it. I kept hoping and praying that he would somehow go back to the way he was when we first met. I don't know what happened to that man or if he ever really existed.
So now I am single. Just shy of 17 weeks pregnant. Confused about how to handle things with The Coach. Even more confused about the situation with The Jeans. Really who would have thought that after 3 years and me getting pregnant by someone else he would finally admit his love for me? Add to it that I am living on barely any money. My depression has hit an extreme low. I haven't been this depressed since my ex husband left me and my dad died (with in 6 months of each other). I struggle daily to just keep going. Last night at 1am I had a major meltdown on the phone with The Jeans.
I need to clarify that I would never ever kill myself but I sadly in my thoughts I am understanding why someone would. Depression brings so many negative thoughts. I don't want to burden anyone with any of my problems. Not even my family. I am extremely embarrassed to be having another baby with a man I am no longer in a relationship with. I am losing my home. I can barely pay my bills. It's hard to open up to people when all you can think is how they will be judging you. So you hold it in pushing yourself further into a depression and a cycle of negative thoughts. :( I won't give up ... I have 4 ok technically 5 kids that need me and I remind myself daily of that. Also I don't want any of there dads raising them with out me lol.
Oh the other person I was afraid of telling the secret to (besides my mom) was my Mini-me. She and I are very close. She is one of my best friends. She does not like The Coach so I thought for sure she would flip out on me when I told her. I thought all of my kids would. However she handled it very well. She was upset and worried for a day or so but has really been amazing. I think I have done a pretty good job raising her. :) She is very excited now and has decided that The Coach can get lost and she and I will raise the baby. lol My other kids are just as excited (they didn't like the coach much either). They all do there fair share of belly rubbing. The boys tell me what I can and can not eat. Little Man was very concerned that I will get time off to be with the baby after he/she is born. Just writing this part makes me realize (once again) just how blessed I am with my kids. They don't care if we have to do this alone ... they trust me and have faith in me.
Look at all of my rambling ... It's a big jumbled mess but dang it feels good to get it out. If anyone actually reads this good luck understanding it. Maybe I should change my blog title to something like The Shannon Soap Opera ... Seriously though I am taking suggestions for a new blog title. One that will remind me to keep on fighting and not give up would be nice but incorporates my mommyness.
So when I left off I was a few months into my relationship with The Coach and I had told The Jeans I could no longer talk to him. Three months into my relationship with The Coach I should of walked away but I had fallen hard and my insecurities kicked in. I found myself turning into an old me that I hated but for some reason I couldn't break free and leave The Coach or my old self I was turning into. :(
I missed The Jeans I missed the Me I had been working on and finding. My relationship with The Coach was and sadly still is not a healthy one. I let things happen that I should have never let happen and I never should have stayed. I let someone have control over me. Something I said I would never let happen again. The crappy thing in all of this I really love The Coach and hoped for so much more. So I stayed ...
Which leads me to the secret I mentioned back here The secret that was killing me and I thought was going to end a friendship. I will be needing to change the title of my blog as I will no longer be Single Mom x's 4 .... In July it will be Single Mom to 5. Yep my secret is that I am having a baby. The Coaches baby to be exact. I have mixed emotions about all of this that I will get to and maybe if I have any readers left someone can help me with advice.
So the friendship that I thought I was going to lose was The Jeans. Back in November before I found out that I was expecting I pulled away from The Coach and the relationship. I started having anxiety attacks on my way to his place and I realized I couldn't stay in the relationship the way it was. Around the same time I was struggling with the house stuff and needed/wanted to talk to someone I trusted. The Jeans and I started talking again. I shared with him the house stuff and opened up to him about the relationship with The Coach and what had happened. I was starting to feel ok again ... not as depressed about everything because I had a friendship back that I loved and cherished.
Then my world came to a brief stand still when the test came back positive. I thought for sure that The Jeans would never talk to me again once I told him I was pregnant. Five weeks ago as I sat in my car crying I texted him and he called me back. I could barely get the words out between my tears but I told him everything. He assured me he would not leave me. We spent close to 12 hours talking in a 24 hour period. About everything he and I had been through over the past 3 years. He cried and told me he wished the baby was his. He finally admitted that he has loved me all along. I can't even begin to share how much I have cried the last 5 weeks.
I admit that I love The Coach and it is so hard to just end everything. Even harder now that there is a baby on the way. I can't stay though. I've tried to work things out but I am getting no where with him. He says he loves me and wants me but there is abuse in the way he treats me and I just can't do it. I kept hoping and praying that he would somehow go back to the way he was when we first met. I don't know what happened to that man or if he ever really existed.
So now I am single. Just shy of 17 weeks pregnant. Confused about how to handle things with The Coach. Even more confused about the situation with The Jeans. Really who would have thought that after 3 years and me getting pregnant by someone else he would finally admit his love for me? Add to it that I am living on barely any money. My depression has hit an extreme low. I haven't been this depressed since my ex husband left me and my dad died (with in 6 months of each other). I struggle daily to just keep going. Last night at 1am I had a major meltdown on the phone with The Jeans.
I need to clarify that I would never ever kill myself but I sadly in my thoughts I am understanding why someone would. Depression brings so many negative thoughts. I don't want to burden anyone with any of my problems. Not even my family. I am extremely embarrassed to be having another baby with a man I am no longer in a relationship with. I am losing my home. I can barely pay my bills. It's hard to open up to people when all you can think is how they will be judging you. So you hold it in pushing yourself further into a depression and a cycle of negative thoughts. :( I won't give up ... I have 4 ok technically 5 kids that need me and I remind myself daily of that. Also I don't want any of there dads raising them with out me lol.
Oh the other person I was afraid of telling the secret to (besides my mom) was my Mini-me. She and I are very close. She is one of my best friends. She does not like The Coach so I thought for sure she would flip out on me when I told her. I thought all of my kids would. However she handled it very well. She was upset and worried for a day or so but has really been amazing. I think I have done a pretty good job raising her. :) She is very excited now and has decided that The Coach can get lost and she and I will raise the baby. lol My other kids are just as excited (they didn't like the coach much either). They all do there fair share of belly rubbing. The boys tell me what I can and can not eat. Little Man was very concerned that I will get time off to be with the baby after he/she is born. Just writing this part makes me realize (once again) just how blessed I am with my kids. They don't care if we have to do this alone ... they trust me and have faith in me.
Look at all of my rambling ... It's a big jumbled mess but dang it feels good to get it out. If anyone actually reads this good luck understanding it. Maybe I should change my blog title to something like The Shannon Soap Opera ... Seriously though I am taking suggestions for a new blog title. One that will remind me to keep on fighting and not give up would be nice but incorporates my mommyness.
Ending with my favorite quote ... I am thinking someday this will be tattooed on me as a reminder. :)
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Saturday, January 2, 2010
To move forward I must look back ... just briefly
When I sit down to write I usually have an idea of what I want to say and how I want it to look when I am done. Most of the time when I go back and look at what I have written I realize I am a big huge confusing mess. LOL I tend ramble I don't give full stories or all information. Tonight will be no different. Below will be a rambling confused mess of a blog ...
So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.
I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.
We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.
Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.
Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)
From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.
The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.
I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.
I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.
________________________________
I will post more later ;)
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada
So when I last left blogging land I was in Hawaii almost 6 months ago. By the way it was an amazing trip and I am so blessed that it happened for Mini-me and myself. Before I left for Hawaii I blogged about my favorite pair of Jeans and my life in general. I am not sure and I am to lazy to go back and look to be honest if I ever blogged about The Coach.
I met the Coach hmm last Jan or so. Well ok we saw each other across the office at work. After awhile he started stopping by my desk and talking to me. By the end of the school year he was coming into work early and sitting at my desk for the last hour and a half of my work day.
We talked about his girlfriend, a little about the jeans, our kids, struggles in our life ... really what ever could be talked about in a middle school office where we usually had at least 4 students with us. We never talked outside of work although numbers were exchanged once. There was a bit of flirting I must admit but since we were both in other relationships (he had a girlfriend and I had well I had the jeans) nothing ever happened.
Right around Father's day weekend I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He just wanted to see how I was doing and tell me he missed our daily chats. Being that school was out we were both off work for the summer. I asked how his girlfriend was and he said they were fine.
Chatted a little more and then said good-bye.
Next day I was surprised again to hear from him and even more shocked that he and his girlfriend broke up the night before. He was calling to see if I wanted to go on a date. Since the jeans couldn't make a commitment to me I (and the jeans) considered myself free to date. The Coach and I had a wonderful first date that lasted over 30 hours ... No we didn't have sex. ;)
From that date forward we were pretty much together all of the time. It was like we were meant for each other in every way possible. Our conversations would last for hours. When we finally hit the subject of religion and how we felt about certain things I literally fell in love.
The Coach knew that I had not spoken to the Jeans about he and I and we agreed that it should be done. So I texted The Jeans and told him we needed to talk. He called me and I explained that I would no longer be able to talk to him as I was dating someone. I wanted to cry while I was on the phone with him. I felt sick to my stomach that I was losing him. It was my choice however and after waiting for over 2 years for some sort of commitment I felt it was the right choice. We worked out how to return each others belongings and said our good-byes.
I knew that ending all contact with The Jeans would be hard but I had no idea it would bother me as much as it did. The relationship I had with him was not like any other I had ever had. He was a best friend and I later learned that I was considered one of his.
I hit a bit of a depression over my choice not to talk to him anymore but I let it slide as I was really happy in my new relationship with The Coach. At least for a bit ... newness eventually wears off and we start to see what people are really like. Three months of almost 24 hours a day together and someone will eventually piss another someone off. Kids would eventually battle with each other and with us.
________________________________
I will post more later ;)
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Good News and randomness
I am just going to start off with this being home alone on New Years Eve was not a good idea at all. The flood gates are open and I can't get them to stop. :(
The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.
The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.
Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.
I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.
Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.
And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.
*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.
Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.
Happy New year ....
The good news is that the mortgage company postponed the auction on the house until Feb. 2. It bought me the much needed month that I need. Now I sit and wait to see if they will accept working on a short sale. If they do then I will have more time to come up with money and find a place to move to. If they don't then I still have a month and I am way happy about that. :) I have done my share of happy crying and sobbing out of relief today.
The crying that is happening now is out of pure confusion, frustration, sadness, hurt, and a stupid secret that honestly feels like it is suffocating me and might just kill me. :( I can't even share here yet. The two people that I want to tell the most I can't tell. Well I can tell them but I am scared. I know that there is a 99% chance that when I tell one of them I may lose my friendship with them forever :( (No this has nothing to do with an affair or anyone sleeping with anyone else) The person will eventually talk to me after a few days I am sure but I live with this person and she is going to be upset.
Both of these people I love more than I can ever explain. They are my best friends and have been by my side when I needed them. I know best friends wouldn't stop talking to you cause of this secret but the first best friend and I are complicated. What I have to say will crush them.
I want to tell the first person face to face but they don't live near me. I don't have the time to go to them and I hate to ask them to come to me when I will be breaking their heart in a sense.
Stupid secret is really bringing me down right now. To the point that I can't even leave my room today. :( I haven't sewn at all and that was what I had planned all week. I was excited and now I am just a big fat crying mess.
And where I really want to be is with that first person. I was invited. I was told to go by others but I can't. The secret would eat at me the entire time and I wouldn't enjoy myself. And I don't want to ruin their night.
*sigh* I know I have made no sense to anyone but I needed to get that out. Sooner than later I will be writing about the secret.
Ok I am going to force myself to put on some clothes, go eat some food and sew. I will not let this secret and this depression hold me in this room.
Happy New year ....
We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The wait has begun
I signed all the paperwork today to do a short sale on the house. I signed some in the office this morning when I went to the meeting with the company that wants to purchase the house. Then they brought a realtor over for me to sign all of that paperwork.
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*
The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.
Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.
So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.
I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.
As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.
All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)
I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)
OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)
Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams
As we sat at my kitchen table signing paperwork I was ok at first. Then it hit me and I found myself holding back the tears. Fake smile planted on my face and saying "uh huh" "I understand" "OK" "I know exactly what this means". *sigh*
The good things I got out of today where that if we can stop the auction it is possible that it could take 6 months to a year before the "short sale" is actually final. So I will have time to get enough money and find a place to live. If the auction can't be stopped it is possible that the bank will be the ones that buy the house at foreclosure ... two things can happen then. They either offer me money to leave sooner or I was told that they can take a month or more to serve me the paperwork to leave the property.
Really I just need a a little time and money. Of course I don't want to lose my home of 10 years but at the same time I am ready to let it go. It has been such a stress to me fighting for it this past year.
So now I sit and wait and wonder what will happen. I checked the site that shows that my house is up for auction this evening and it currently has a bid. A higher bid than the company that wants to purchase it put in today for the short sale. So I am not holding my breath that the mortgage company will stop the foreclosure.
I will get through this. I am sure that a lot more tears will be shed and I will probably lose some sleep over the next few days but I will survive. I may not know anything until Monday when the house is supposed to go up for auction. I was told it is possible to pull the house even in the middle of bidding.
As for the rest of my life ... Today was very nice minus the house drama lol. A very nice friend of mine gifted me with some money. She knew my sewing machine had broke and that I couldn't afford to fix it but I did anyways cause sewing means so much to me. In return I surprised her with a rice bag. I made a visit to the fabric store where I used my gift card my daughter got me for Christmas to purchase the rest of the supplies I need to finish the lap quilt I am working on.
All of my kids will be gone for New Years Eve so I have decided that I will finish sewing up the quilt. Probably play the Wii for a bit and go to bed shortly after midnight. :) This will be my very first New Years alone so I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. Its a big night to be alone on. No one will be here to kiss me at midnight ... not like that has happened in years lol but I have had friends or kids to hug before. I am sure I will cry ... I always do. Don't know why ... guess I am just an emotional person that way. :)
I am off to waste some time playing games on the internet cause I can. :) Thank you again for the kind compliments. Opening up is so hard for me as there is the fear of rejection, hurt, and many other things but I am learning that by not opening up I am missing out on letting people help me and comfort me and just be there to listen when I need it. :)
OH OH and not my good news but I have to share cause I am excited. While I was on the phone today with my mom my step dad said something to her I couldn't hear. I then hear her exclaim very loudly in my ear. "PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you Jesus!" I love my mom. My step dad had just gotten a phone call from his old job that he was laid off from over a year ago asking him to come back to work TOMORROW morning. So awesome for my mom and step dad as they have been really struggling with him finding a permanent job. My mom has been working at a mall kiosk trying to make a little money for them. I am beyond happy that things are turning around for them. It also gives me a little more faith and hope. :)
Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Praying for a miracle ...
First off .. I had no idea you all would still read my blog. It really means a lot to me today to see the comments. :)
Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Around 2am I finally turned off the computer and tried to get some sleep only to lay awake and toss and turn. My brain wouldn't shut down at all. Then like a bolt of lighting the idea came to me to call the company that was interested in the house a few months ago.
Back in July when I came home from Hawaii I had a company approach me about purchasing the house. I met with them but we (me and them) were all pretty positive I would be able to save it. They told me that if anything changed to give them a call. I didn't think much more about it because I really thought I would be able to save the house.
After the bolt of lightening thought struck me last night I went through all the negatives (that's just what I do). I thought there is no way they can help me with the house being sold on Monday. They will just laugh at me. I am embarrassed to call ... blah blah blah my list went on and on while I couldn't sleep.
This afternoon I decided to say screw it and I called. I explained the situation with the house being auctioned next week and the time constraints of the New Years this week and held my breath as I waited for a response. Ken told me to call the mortgage company right then and ask for a 2 week postponement on the auction. Tell them I have a buyer ready now but we don't have time to put a package together this week due to the Holiday. SHUT UP!!!!
After calling my mom again to ask her to pray even more I called the mortgage company. Of course I have to speak to a manager and they are all busy. I was told that I needed to get some sort of package put together and have it faxed no later than tomorrow. Off the phone with the mortgage company and back on the phone with the buyer.
I have a meeting at 930 tomorrow morning. I am really praying that this is the miracle that has been waiting for me. I just need a few weeks time on my side so I can get the money together to move and be able to pay my bills and stuff. This would buy me that time. It would also save what little good credit I have left.
Even though I have a meeting tomorrow and if all goes well and we fax it off I may not know anything until Monday the same day the house goes up for auction. Talk about a killer wait. This really is my last chance for anything to work out to help me in anyway.
I keep asking for prayer on Facebook but no one knows why. I can't bring myself to share with anyone on there what I am going through. I am still struggling with embarrassment of losing my house and the failure thing. I feel so much safer posting here. Even with pictures of me and my kids all over the page ... lol ... No one even knows I blog or used to.
On a really positive note my sewing machine was fixed and returned to me today WHOO HOO. I didn't really have the money to fix it but I need some healing and sewing does that. I am off to sew and pray for my miracle.
Damn it feels good to write. I can feel so many things relaxing and being released. :)
I have used this quote before but I really love it and it fits perfect.
Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Around 2am I finally turned off the computer and tried to get some sleep only to lay awake and toss and turn. My brain wouldn't shut down at all. Then like a bolt of lighting the idea came to me to call the company that was interested in the house a few months ago.
Back in July when I came home from Hawaii I had a company approach me about purchasing the house. I met with them but we (me and them) were all pretty positive I would be able to save it. They told me that if anything changed to give them a call. I didn't think much more about it because I really thought I would be able to save the house.
After the bolt of lightening thought struck me last night I went through all the negatives (that's just what I do). I thought there is no way they can help me with the house being sold on Monday. They will just laugh at me. I am embarrassed to call ... blah blah blah my list went on and on while I couldn't sleep.
This afternoon I decided to say screw it and I called. I explained the situation with the house being auctioned next week and the time constraints of the New Years this week and held my breath as I waited for a response. Ken told me to call the mortgage company right then and ask for a 2 week postponement on the auction. Tell them I have a buyer ready now but we don't have time to put a package together this week due to the Holiday. SHUT UP!!!!
After calling my mom again to ask her to pray even more I called the mortgage company. Of course I have to speak to a manager and they are all busy. I was told that I needed to get some sort of package put together and have it faxed no later than tomorrow. Off the phone with the mortgage company and back on the phone with the buyer.
I have a meeting at 930 tomorrow morning. I am really praying that this is the miracle that has been waiting for me. I just need a few weeks time on my side so I can get the money together to move and be able to pay my bills and stuff. This would buy me that time. It would also save what little good credit I have left.
Even though I have a meeting tomorrow and if all goes well and we fax it off I may not know anything until Monday the same day the house goes up for auction. Talk about a killer wait. This really is my last chance for anything to work out to help me in anyway.
I keep asking for prayer on Facebook but no one knows why. I can't bring myself to share with anyone on there what I am going through. I am still struggling with embarrassment of losing my house and the failure thing. I feel so much safer posting here. Even with pictures of me and my kids all over the page ... lol ... No one even knows I blog or used to.
On a really positive note my sewing machine was fixed and returned to me today WHOO HOO. I didn't really have the money to fix it but I need some healing and sewing does that. I am off to sew and pray for my miracle.
Damn it feels good to write. I can feel so many things relaxing and being released. :)
I have used this quote before but I really love it and it fits perfect.
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Monday, December 28, 2009
6 months is way to long ...
It's been almost 6 months since I have written. I really wish that I could say that I was sitting down to write about how wonderful my life has been over these past 6 months and that is why I haven't written. Sadly I can not say that.
Not that there haven't been wonderful moments in the past 6 months. There has been. Right now looking back I see a ton of yuck.
What sucks more is that I really can not even write what is really bothering me right now. I want to say so many things but must figure things out before I open my mouth. I can't even say anything to the people around me and ask for advice or a hug. :(
I can write about the fact that in 7 days my home will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at the County Courthouse. Ten days later I will be homeless unless I come up with the money to move. Oh and a place to move to that I can afford. :( After 15 months of battling with the mortgage company I am officially losing my home to foreclosure. I keep praying that somehow some way a miracle will happen but it hasn't. I guess it's a miracle that I have even made it this far. Having a home to live in for the past 15 months.
Telling my kids the week before Christmas that this will be the last one for us in this house was one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. We have lived here 10 years. My boys were brought home from the hospital to this house. Besides living with their dad a few days a week this is their home. Their comfort place. Their safe place. And now it is being taken from them.
My depression is always bad at this time of year but losing my home and dealing with some other issues that can't be talked about ... I feel like I am being suffocated by it. On a good side note I am back in counseling and I love it. The woman I see is wonderful ... I found her 3 years ago around the time my dad died. She knows my current financial situation and is very kindly writing off part of my copayment each month just so I can see her. :)
*sigh* Man I have missed writing. I need to write more often as it really is healing to me and helps me release the good and bad. It gives me something to look back at and see how far I have made it. To remind myself I can make it through these times when another hard time comes along.
Not that there haven't been wonderful moments in the past 6 months. There has been. Right now looking back I see a ton of yuck.
What sucks more is that I really can not even write what is really bothering me right now. I want to say so many things but must figure things out before I open my mouth. I can't even say anything to the people around me and ask for advice or a hug. :(
I can write about the fact that in 7 days my home will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at the County Courthouse. Ten days later I will be homeless unless I come up with the money to move. Oh and a place to move to that I can afford. :( After 15 months of battling with the mortgage company I am officially losing my home to foreclosure. I keep praying that somehow some way a miracle will happen but it hasn't. I guess it's a miracle that I have even made it this far. Having a home to live in for the past 15 months.
Telling my kids the week before Christmas that this will be the last one for us in this house was one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. We have lived here 10 years. My boys were brought home from the hospital to this house. Besides living with their dad a few days a week this is their home. Their comfort place. Their safe place. And now it is being taken from them.
My depression is always bad at this time of year but losing my home and dealing with some other issues that can't be talked about ... I feel like I am being suffocated by it. On a good side note I am back in counseling and I love it. The woman I see is wonderful ... I found her 3 years ago around the time my dad died. She knows my current financial situation and is very kindly writing off part of my copayment each month just so I can see her. :)
*sigh* Man I have missed writing. I need to write more often as it really is healing to me and helps me release the good and bad. It gives me something to look back at and see how far I have made it. To remind myself I can make it through these times when another hard time comes along.
That is my rambling for tonight. Going to try to fix a sewing machine. Broke one last night :( Took it to the shop today. Pulled out my old one and will see if I can fix it so I can sew.
Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. ~Francis Bacon
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Hawaii Day 1
So we have been in Hawaii now for about a full day and a half. Our flight in was awesome as we got bumped up to first class ... long story but let's just say it had to do with an awesome Alaskan Airlines employee and a cute guy she was trying to sit me next to. Ahh I love when life gives you something great.
We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.
Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.
The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.
Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.
Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...
Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)
I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.
No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...
We were exhausted when we got in as it was close to 11pm our time. Mini-me pretty much passed out when we got here but I stayed up for a few hours. I think it would have made it 2am my time. We had a great dinner on our flight thanks to 1st class but my friend CynCyn made us ham and steak with rice for dinner. Mmm ... I may gain twenty pounds while we are here.
Our first official day here was yesterday and you would think that I could sleep in after all of the traveling and excitement but I was up when the sun was. CynCyn knows that I love to sew and she had her sister take us over to the Kapaia Stitchery. Mini-me had to stop me from spending all of our money in the shop. I was drooling over a really awesome turtle quilt pattern and all the fabric to go with it.
The rest of the day was spent just relaxing and in Wal-Mart. Yes we came all this way and spent time in Wal-Mart. Had to get snack foods and stuff for our crabbing trip we were taking.
Honestly I think I am being spoiled on this trip. Staying with locals is so much fun. They are showing us all of the really cool stuff and doing things with us that if you just visited and stayed in a hotel you wouldn't get to do.
Last night we were taken crabbing on the river. I will have to get the name of the river later but Oh man even in the darkness it was beautiful. I have never been crabbing ... Mini-me has but it was not on a boat or anything like this. So many details to share but not enough time right now ... CynCyns brother told us to stick our hand in the water and swirl it around and we would be able to see the plankton .... Oh man it was awesome ... When your hand hits the water it looks like Fairy Dust is all around it. The water looks like it is glowing in that spot. I wish I could have taken a picture ... it was so amazing to me. Saw some other cool water creatures. Was not brave enough to eat one though like they wanted me to. Held a baby crab but freaked out as it felt like a spider in my hand ...
Oh speaking of spiders I had an encounter with one that was the size of the palm of my hand. I about peed my pants on the spot. Took a picture of it before CynCyn killed it ... little did we know her brother had named the spider Willie and he hung out around the house. Ha ha ha I guess the spider kills the roaches. Ugh got to love tropical bugs. ;)
I am excited to see what today holds .... Pics so far can be found on my FaceBook account ... click here if you want to see them.
No quote today but rather a text to a friend yesterday that said ...
"Sometimes in life you are blessed with really great friends and life in general. This is one of those time. I am so happy right now"
~Shannon
~Shannon
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