Not sure what to do ...

How do you tell a friend that you have some major issues with the things they are doing?

I am currently friends with a single mom to 3 kids. Let's call her DQ (Drama Queen) We met a about year and a half ago through our daughters. She stayed home a lot and from what she has told me not much of a drinker. She and I went out a few times and I introduced her to many of my friends. I slowed down on my going out last year and she started going out with out me. She made a lot of poor choices and most of those poor choices involved many of my guy friends. Some of her choices affected my friendships.

I am trying to be somewhat private here ... just in case she were to ever come across this. Not that she even knows this exists but stranger things have happened in my life.

DQ gets depressed a lot about the choices she has made\is making. Since last summer she has had 5 boyfriends that I know of and slept with countless others. Has thought she was pregnant numerous times. She has come to me crying and asking for advice several times. However when I have told her that I think she needs to stop drinking and clinging to any man that gives her the time of day she gets offended. I don't sugar coat things when she asks. She gets over being upset with me in a day or so and almost always texts me with "You were so right about blah blah blah" or "I am sorry you are right I need to make changes".

I decided in October that I need to distance myself from her. As I felt that the friendship was draining me more than it was fulfilling me. It was easy at first to make excuses not to hang out or let any of our kids hang out together as I had gotten a new job and was dating Mr. Bend. Since Jan. she has been texting me every Monday night asking me to go down to a certain bar as it is $1 beer night after 9. I have gone 2 times but was home by 10. Each time she would fill me in on all of her drama.

When she and I first started hanging out she always had someone watch her kids for her. Usually her 2nd daughters father. Her kids are 11 (just turned it this week), 9, and 5. She has been leaving them home alone at night so she can go out and party it up. No home phone or cell phone for them to use up until 2 weeks ago. She got her 11 yr old a cell phone to use. Let's just say I have some issues with this on many levels.

With all of that said I am having a bigger issue with her right now. She currently does not have her Drivers License. Last summer she was pulled over and they informed her that it was suspended. I guess for not paying a ticket in full from several years ago. Or so she has told me. She was supposed to go to court the first week of Sept yet never got out of bed that day. She went a few weeks later where they told her she had x amount of time to pay it and they would give it back. Of course she did not pay it (her list of reasons why is a mile long). With out a Drivers License you can not be insured. So when she was pulled over again in Dec. she was given another ticket and her car impounded again for driving while suspended and uninsured.
She was pulled over the night before Valentines on her way home from the bar. She told the officer that her boyfriend works at the bar and she had to go get him. The officer let her go without a ticket or a sobriety test.

Yesterday she had a pizza\slumber party for her 11 yr old. All of my kid were invited to the pizza party but I did not want to stay. I told Turtle that in no way shape or form was she to get into DQ car with her. That I would be back to get her and take her to the house for the slumber party. I also told Turtle that if DQ left at any point that she was to use her friends cell phone to call me and I would come get her.

Mini-me took Turtle into the pizza place and let DQ know that we would be back to get her. With in minutes of us leaving she called me and said that she would just drive Turtle. I told her that it was ok because I had all of Turtles stuff anyways and needed to drop it off. She seemed to be ok with my answer. We picked up Turtle around 730 without any problems but DQ was still cleaning up the food fight the kids had. Mini-me took Turtle over to the house around 830. I reminded Turtle that if DQ left that she had to call me.

I thought all was good as I did not receive a phone call from Turtle. I called DQ around 1130 today and told her I would be there in 30-45 minutes to get Turtle. She offered to drive her I told her no it was ok I had to run some errands. Wouldn't you know it today would be the day that Little Man would have one of his major melt down moments (another story). These are not melt downs that end in a few minutes. It was close to 2 when DQ tried calling me. I did not answer but quickly texted her that I was having an issue and would be there as soon as possible. She was ok with this. Little Man and I were still having issues. She called 2 more times and I could not answer. When I was getting the boys into the car I looked up to see DQ pulling up in front of my house. I was angry!!!

When Turtle came up to me I asked her why she didn't call me and she said that DQ wouldn't let her use the phone. Which it wouldn't really of matter I was not answering. :( Turtle tried to tell her that I wanted her to stay there but DQ told her to get in the car. Turtle being scared did just that.

While making dinner I asked Turtle if DQ left at any point last night and she said yes. WTF??? With in 30 minutes of Turtle getting there DQ had taken a shower and left 3 eleven year old girls by themselves. I asked Turtle why she didn't call me and she said that her friend would not let her use the cell phone. I could tell that Turtle was not telling me everything so I explained that I needed to know so that I could talk to DQ about the situation and that I did not want to look stupid if I had the wrong story. That is when Turtle told me that her friend called DQ (her mom) and told her that I told Turtle that she had to come home if DQ left. DQ told her daughter to tell Turtle that she called me and I said it was OK! I asked Turtle why didn't she call me and double check and she said she was scared and again her friend would not let her use the phone.


As I am writing this out I realized that as a parent I should of and could of called to make sure things are the way they should be. So I take some responsibility in this, however I really hoped that DQ would of been a responsible parent and stayed home for her daughters slumber party.


I am feeling as though I need to let DQ know what my issues are. She keeps bugging me to let her watch Little Bird on Thursdays so I don't have to find childcare for him. I have made every excuse possible to not let her. The distancing myself from her is not working. I am thinking it is time I am fully honest with her but I am not sure how to do that. I have no problem telling her what I think when she asks for it. Coming right out and telling her freaks me out. I don't like confrontation.


I am not sure I want to touch the drinking, men, and leaving her kids home alone issues. Not that I don't want to talk to her about these things. It actually bugs the crap out of me that she drives after drinking so much that she can't see straight, that she parades these men around in front of her kids (especially her girls), and that she just leaves them home alone. I really just want to let her know that I not ok with my kids being in a car that she is driving. If they were in an accident with her there wouldn't be any insurance to cover them.

So what do I do?

Talk to her about all of the issues?
Talk to her about my kids being in a car she is driving\and her leaving my daughter at her house alone?
Try to distance myself even further? (which I am sure I will do)
Not say anything at all? (This will drive me bonkers)

Oh and if I talk to her ... Do I call her? Text her? (yes being serious she is a texter) Write her a letter? I thought about asking her out for a drink but that seems a bit wrong lol. If I talk to her in person I would want it to be a public place and with out the kids around. I am sure she is going to freak out big time.


Let me here it ...

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney

The Jeans

One week from now I will be 2 hours away from my home and my kids. I will be staying with The Jeans for 2 nights. This post may not make much sense as I am find it very hard to write. I have written very little about The Jeans because I am not really sure how to or if I am ready. Tonight is not the night I want to go into the full story. I just want to vent ... more for myself than anything.

I am in love with this man. I want so badly to see him and spend this time together. Thursday night we will hang out and probably stay awake most of the night. On Friday sleep then go to work .... he works a graveyard shift as a Sheriff's Deputy and after waiting for almost 2 years he has finally asked me to go on a ride along. When he lived here in town and we first met he asked me to go on a ride along but backed out several times. I never understood why and was always left upset. He told me his reasons why this past Dec. and I can see why he made that choice then and I am ok with it. However I am very nervous that he will back out on me again. I have arranged with the Ex to switch days next week so I can make this trip. Mini-me won't even be home that weekend. So if he backs out then I will be home alone and I am sure depressed.

This is more than just about the ride along. I am wondering where in the heck we stand "relationship" wise. This has always been a fuzzy area for us. He has mentioned that he does not want a "relationship" .... like boyfriend/girlfriend dating blah blah blah. Yet some of his actions and words have shown me different.

I know that during the first part of the year I did some things that hurt him. We did not talk for a few months. Then he started texting me out of the blue. We spent a day together in late July and once again in August before he moved 2 hours away. We both started new jobs and didn't text but like maybe 3 times to see how each of us was doing. In November he started texting me again. He knew (via Myspace) that I was dating someone (Mr. Bend). The week leading up to Christmas he was texting me a ton. On Christmas Eve he called and we talked for just shy of 3 hours. We are both texting people so it was weird for him to call me (not that we don't talk we just prefer it in person ... does that make sense?). Seeing that I have some pretty major feelings for him I got excited that he was texting and calling so much. I had a chance to go see him a few days after Christmas so I took a road trip. It was an amazing 24 hours. :)

He backed off a little during the first few weeks of Jan. which did not surprise me as he has a pattern of getting close then pulling back. I was very surprised when I got a call that he was in town. Even more surprised when he showed up at my house. When he left the next morning I was confused and excited.

I have told myself not to get excited. I have made it a point not to text him first or call him. I want him to do the initiating and he is doing it. He called me 2 Friday nights in a row where we talked for 2 and 4 hours. He called me on a Sunday morning and shared with me about his upcoming vacation (the reason he did not call me last Friday). All of our phone calls have been very honest and open about so many things. We can always find something more to say to each other. He always sounds sad when I say that I have to go back to sleep (remember he works graveyards and calls me in the middle of the night).

I have been wanting to text him the last few days about next week and me coming up but I made a promise to myself not to text or call. Last night he called me while he was out getting some movies. I wanted to so bad to bring up the ride along and plans but I didn't. Half way through our conversation he told me what he his plans were for Sat. I joked with him about his plans and then he said "Isn't that the day you wanted to come up and go with me?" Whoo hoo he brought it up lol .... I explained that I wanted to go Friday and that I had the day off. He then suggested that I come up Thursday evening "So you can spend some time with me" those were his words. So plans have been made. He brought it up and sounded excited ... Why am I so nervous?

My phone started to die so I told him I needed to charge it and get more sleep. I did tell him that he could call Friday night as I had been enjoying our phone conversations and he said that he would. I do not want to get my hopes up though. Only 26 more hours until I see if he does.

To wrap this up (for tonight at least) .... This is probably going to sound like I am a total nut but I need to get this out. So several times over the past 2 years I have tried to move on. I have dated other men. I have stopped all contact with The Jeans. I have even Prayed for God to take him out of my life completely so I could move on. Really bizarre thing .... whenever I Pray for him to be out of my life he shows up at my house with in 3 hours. This has happened to many times in my mind to be a coincidence. I have been doing a lot more Praying lately about everything in my life. One of the things I have been Praying about is for God to guide me where he wants me regarding a relationship. Now each time I Pray about this The Jeans calls or texts. What the heck? I am actually questioning my own sanity as I type this out LOL .... Am I just wanting to be with this man so bad that I am seeing to much into everything??

*Sigh*

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. ~Matt Groening, The Simpsons, spoken by the character Marge Simpson

Lyrics

And the decades disappear

Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

A Dustland Fairytale
Artist: The Killers

16 Week Challenge ... Week 1 down :)

If you are new to my Challenge check out this post here ...

I originally planned for Sundays to be my update day but I had other things on my mind that needed to be taken care of. I hope to update this Sunday about how this week went.

As I mentioned in the original post about this challenge I was going to take pictures of my progress. That is exactly what I did. I have to admit I am a little embarrassed about how bad my house really is. When I see it in pictures I literally shudder.

A few pictures ...

One side of the bathroom cabinets ... Before

After :)

Saturdays trip to Goodwill :)

Isn't my bathroom a lovely shade of brown and blue?? I had this great idea to paint it to look like the ocean. No I was not on drugs but I almost wish I could say I was because it is hideous. ;) That above pictures are only one half of the bathroom cabinets. It is a double sink with tons of under sink storage. The other side was cleaned out in Jan after the dog we had at the time managed to jump on the counter (it was a doxie) while we were gone and turned the sink on. I had some clothes in the sink at the time. Not only did the sink overflow but one of the pipes leaked onto everything in that cabinet. One full bag of trash was thrown out from the cabinet pictured above. I also sent one box off to Goodwill.

I also worked on the bookshelf at the end of the hallway but don't want to post pictures of it until I am completely done with it. My girls tackled their room with out a fight and they worked together. I am thinking they may have been possessed for a brief amount of time. Not complaining at all mind you but I was a little scared. ;)

Saturday was our Goodwill drop off day. Adding to the pile from earlier in the week ... One more trash bag of clothing (I think), two postal boxes (bathroom stuff and the bookshelf), and one medium size bag with toys in it. I am thinking that I did pretty good for one week of purging.

Remember my struggle with letting Little Birds old Converse go ... I am happy to report that they made it to Goodwill and I did not cry one bit. :) Now if I can only convince Mini-me to let the two bags of Beanie Babies go.

I started cleaning the boys room tonight. Besides the garage this room scares me the most. It really looks like a tornado hit it. The hard part about this room is that Little Man has a very hard time letting go of anything (understandable as I think he feels like so much has been taken from him in his short 9 years of life). I will be working on the room when he is not here. Keeping only the stuff I know that he would notice missing. I feel bad for doing it this way but watching him cry and fight with me over everything is so hard. He has been known to pull things out of the trash and hide them so I can't get rid of it.

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. ~Henry Ford

Here is a picture of how cleaning the boys room went tonight ....



No idea where the eye came from but Mini-me and I could not resist a little fun with it. No I didn't throw it out. I was hoping to find another one like it in the room so I could have some real fun.


Oh oh oh ... Grocery shopping was done on Sat instead of Sunday due to Little Man having a basketball game. The kids and I made up our Weekly Menu and shopping list and all 5 of us went to the store. Normally my kids are crazy in the store but they rocked. It was like a challenge for all of them to keep us on budget. Maybe it was because I also dared them to do something while we were in the store (read below). I am proud to report that we spent $89 this week for groceries. That is up $1 from last week but great in my mind.

So I really do think that laughter is what keeps me from losing my mind. While we were in the car getting ready to go into the store I joked around with the kids that we should just stop in the middle of a busy aisle and we should yell "GROUP HUG" and then all hug one another. A few aisles into our shopping you betcha one of my kids yelled "GROUP HUG". I of course started laughing hysterically. I told them that the aisle wasn't busy enough and that I would pay the first kid who said it in the check out line $5. My kids are sneaky .... we get into the check out line and they start whispering to each other. Then all at once 4 kids scream "GROUP HUG" and start hugging and laughing. Then they all informed me that since they said it at the same time I had to pay them each $5. Ha ha ha ... dang it I love them. I bought them each a $1 lottery ticket instead. :)

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb

A quote for Sunday ... Part 2

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

If you have not read part one please read here ...

When my dad died I was devastated. I was already having a very rough time like anyone would going through a divorce, going back to work for the first time in almost 9 years and becoming a single mom. I turned to drinking as a way to ignore all of my heartache and loss. Not the best way to deal with everything but I was so very angry with God. I wanted to find a way to escape all of the pain on my own. Why did I need God anymore when I felt he had hurt me so bad.

A few weeks after my Dad died I met The Jeans. I had no idea then that he would be come such an important person to me. My out of control drinking and partying continued up until May of 2008. Cinco De Mayo started a 5 day binge that left me with a broken windshield on my car and The Jeans not talking to me for a few months. Long story that I may share at another time but I broke the windshield with a beer bottle. Now that I am writing it all out that was my most expensive night of drinking ... the new windshield cost me $250 to replace.

After that week I realized I needed to stop the drinking. I stopped drinking a few weeks later and stayed clear of any alcohol for over 2 months. It was that week of Cinco De Mayo that I realized just what I was doing to my life and my kids. I knew it all along really. I just didn't want to face my life without the alcohol to numb it. I have learned that I can't drink hard alcohol at all ... as much as I love it. I have also learned to drink in moderation and not to use drinking as a way to numb the crappy things in my life. I love a good microbrew on the occasional Friday night.

From May of 2008 until Dec. I started questioning what I should be doing with my life. I was still pissed at God for taking so much from me but I could feel that He was with me over the 2 years that I struggled. Part of me wanted so bad to go back to Church while the other part of me wanted to cuss God out. I did cuss him out a few times in my prayers ... still praying even though I was mad.

I had a rough summer with no job and my ex losing his. Bills started piling up and I became late on everything including my Mortgage. By August I had this very bizarre peace come over me. I was not worried about money, a job, having a partner/dating, or if I would lose my house. I think my mom thought I may have been on drugs for a month or so. I became ok with everything even though I should have been freaking out. Looking back I can say that the peace came from Him but I would not admit that then ... I was still angry.

In Sept. I was offered my job at the Middle School (which I love). I quickly learned that most of the staff was Christian. Once a month they get together and pray over the school. There is a youth leader that comes in weekly and hangs out with the kids on lunch. It surprised me to see God so present in a public school. I have known since I started this job that this is where I am supposed to be. I get paid just enough each month to pay my electric/water, car insurance, and phone. I can't make my mortgage anymore yet I still have my home. Child support gets me gas and the basic stuff for daily living. I am human and there are days I panic about where and how I will make ends meet but most of the time there is this huge peace just laying over me like a nice warm blanket out of the dryer.

As mad as I was at God I felt that he was trying to show me that I needed to come back to Him. So on Jan. 4 I packed the kids up and off we went to Church. I honestly thought that when I made my return to Church I was going to have a cryfest in the middle of the service. It didn't happen and I was ok with that. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't sure I wanted to let God back in to my heart. I made it about 3 Sundays before I had my cryfest in the middle of worship. It was not like I was expecting. I was not crying about being in Church or letting God back into my life. I was crying over money, mortgages, losing my dad, that our dog was going to a new home that day ... it was like all of my grief and fears needed out right at that moment.

I've continued to go to Church each Sunday (minus Valentines weekend when the kids were sick). Each week I am a little more comfortable with being around all of the people I used to do so much with. However I found it very hard to concentrate during worship and the service. During one service I found myself designing clothing and sketching out quilt ideas on the Church fliers. I felt like I was a faker ... one of those people that goes to Church just to say they go. When I missed Church when the kids were sick I was bummed and depressed feeling. I felt like I was missing something.

So much more to say tonight but feeling like there is so little time as I must sleep. As I look over the last few weeks I realize that I am growing and changing. I mean I am always doing this but I can really see it the last few weeks. The Jeans has been calling me a few times a week. We've been spending hours on the phone in the middle of the night when he should be working. I so wish I could write in detail about him but I am realizing I am just not ready to do so. I can say that I am feeling peace with where things are with him right now.

On Thursday at work while sitting at my desk I had the strangest thing happen. I am not sure what I was thinking about anymore but I remember just feeling peace about death. That if I were to die that I would not be afraid about what happens after we leave here but at the same moment it was like I knew I would not be leaving until I knew my kids were taken care of. I don't know how to explain anymore on that. It is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die.

I have felt a peace the last few days about everything in my life except God and The Jeans. I even mentioned to Mini-me that it was bothering me. Both have been weighing very heavy on my heart. As mad as I am/was at God I can not imagine my life without Him. I also can not imagine my life without The Jeans ... whether it be a friendship or something more. I am realizing more and more that he is in my life for some reason that I have no control over.

As we left for Church this morning I grabbed kleenex and shoved it into my purse. I could feel the tears trying to escape. Two songs into worship and I was sobbing. Snot rolling down my face and tears hitting the floor. I sat in my seat bent over with my face in my hands while everyone else sang. I cried out the pain of the last few years. I cried because I wanted God to make me whole again. I cried because I couldn't stop myself. I don't normally cry in front of others as I feel very self conscious and open in a way I don't like. However this morning I could of cared less. I was not ashamed to be crying or worried what others around me thought. I just let it flow and it felt so good.

I realized that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, right here, right at this moment and I am ok with it all. I am ok with my money and mortgage situation. I am ok with my job and that I have no idea where I will get money during the summer months. I am ok with being single and just letting thing flow with The Jeans (where ever it flows to). I am ok with being a single mom. When I say "I am ok" I don't mean it like "Eh I'm ok" I mean it like I am content or satisfied ... I feel a peace like I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is not the absence of affliction, but the presence of God. ~Author Unknown

A quote for Sunday ... Edited Part 1

Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. ~Joseph Addison

At one point when I was married to My Ex I hated Sundays. He was in a line of work that required him to work swing and graveyard shifts. I dreaded Sundays and his ugliness. He was very cranky with all of us. You could often find him on the couch half asleep with a beer in his hand and sports on the TV. If we made to much noise or tried to change the channel once we thought he was asleep he would yell at us. I always felt so stressed on Sundays. I would often cry. At times I had a longing to go to Church but he would never go with me and I was terrified to go alone with the kids.

When I was a stay at home mom and married to him I was so very alone. Everything in my life revolved around the Ex and the kids. I did not have any friends. I was very insecure with myself. Some of those insecurities I brought into our relationship and others that he created in me. I was not good enough in many areas. No matter how I tried I was never good enough. I was lazy. I needed to workout. I needed to clean house better. Keep the kids quiet. The list goes on and on.

In March of 2003 when I found out that the Ex had cheated on me and gotten someone else pregnant I realized that I needed to make changes. I told him that the only way to save our marriage (as that is what he wanted) was to go to Church with me. He agreed and Sundays became my safe place. I put my life in Gods hands and thought that things were going to work out. I was so involved at Church that I was asked to speak at a Mother's Day event about forgiveness. I felt God was showing me that my marriage was going to last forever. That someday my ex would love God the way I have in my life. I thought I was to be some guiding light to leading his parents to Church with us.

Somewhere between the end of 2005 and February of 2006 we started fighting more. We stopped going to Church. His drinking was out of control. I started drinking with him and I was finally introduced to his coworkers and made friends. I am 99% sure he was having an affair with a coworker during this time. Just before our family vacation in March of 2006 we agreed that we would split up. We told no one. We decided that upon returning from our 2 week long vacation he would move out.

The night before he moved out he went out with a very good friend of ours. He did not come home until the next day. Neither of them would answer my calls or text messages. With in a few weeks he had moved in with the girl he met that night. I of course did not find out about her for 2 months. Almost a year to the day after we split up our divorce was final.

In the middle of my separation/divorce my Dad died in a car accident. I was so pissed at God for taking my world and tossing it around like it was nothing. I felt like all of the promises that He had shown me were lies. I couldn't imagine why God would do this to me. I once again hated Sundays but for different reasons this time.

To be continued ....

What do you think?

I've been wanting to give my blog a face lift for a few weeks now. I had a brief moment and I found a great link via Gayle over at The Grocery Cart Challenge

So what do you think? Are the colors ok on everything?


Off to a basketball game for Little Man.

Hug Department: Always Open ~Author Unknown

Ten things for a Friday morning

1. Whoo Hoo it's Friday!!!
2. My weekend will be busy as usual and there will be not time for "true rest"
3. Hoping The Jeans calls me like he has the last 2 Friday nights even though he is on vacation
4. I'm horny horny horny *sigh* No privacy around here
5. I am feeling accomplished with my cleaning challenge so far
6. My ex is a selfish jerk and I wish the kids lived with me full time so I didn't have to hear the shit he does to them. :(
7. I need to start walking and working out again ... not comfortable with myself anymore
8. Hoping that the kids at work stay the way they have all week ... calm
9. Realized last night that Turtle iis changing her thoughts about her dad (my ex)
10. Hoping that I get some sewing time this weekend

No fancy quote today because I am running late for work now. ;)

Purging ... my new addiction

Three days into my 16 week challenge and I think I am doing pretty good so far. Monday I started on the front hall closet. Really we call it the "Shoe Closet". I should have taken a before picture of it. You would think that I had a small army living in my house with the amount of shoes we own. I guess to some people having 4 kids may seem like a small army lol. The amount of shoes was amazing to me. I am pretty sure the shoes starting breeding in there ... sort of how bunnies do. I didn't get to finish what I started because my car needed some work. Since I work all day taking it to a mechanic is not an easy task. I asked my friend Dave for his help and he fixed my car for just the cost of the part. I did hold the light for him to see. :)

I admit that I didn't get much done last night with the Shoe Closet or anything else. Come on it was Fat Tuesday and I needed to spend some quality time with my two best guy friends (Randy and Dave). I was home and in bed sleeping by 915. (On a side note I don't have my 3 younger kids Mon, Tues, Wed nights ... well unless they are sick)

Tonight however is a whole other story. I put Mini-me to work on the shoes while I made dinner. In a very short time we had filled a garbage bag of shoes to give to Goodwill. We also filled the trash can half full of shoes that had been chewed by the dog we had over a year ago (no idea why we still had those shoes), shoes that had no partner in life anymore (still wondering where their mates went), and shoes that were not even worthy of passing on (mostly Little Mans as he is very hard on shoes).
The hardest part was 4 little pairs of Converse that belonged to Little Bird when he was 1 & 2 years old. I lined them all up on the floor and about cried. Mini-Me tried told me to keep them cause they were so cute. I told her no and put them in a seperate bag from all the other shoes. I had a fight with myself about what to do with them. UGH Letting go is so hard but really I have no use for the shoes. So I put the bag on top of the rest of the items that will go to Goodwill on Sat. I am hoping I have the strength to let them go with out to many tears shed or. Really they are just shoes ...

I also cleaned out 2 of the cupboards in the kitchen. My kitchen is very very small. I call it a 1 butt kitchen ... as in literally 1 person can fit in it. So cupboard space and counter space is limited. When I went to get my glass for dinner I realized how much junk I had that I didn't need. So I started purging everything I could. Again struggled with a few items but realized I have not used those items in years and probably won't use them anytime soon. I found our toasting glasses from my wedding and put them in the box. I hesitated briefly just cause I thought they were pretty but again not using them and didn't see myself using them in the future.

I also have a clean kitchen, laundry is caught up and almost all put away (it's folded on the kitchen table so it has to be put away before dinner tomorrow), and my lunch is packed and ready to go for tomorrow. :-O I am sort of freaking myself out over here. LOL

As I was doing all of this purging I felt good but then I realized I need a better way then some spread sheet to show what I have done. If I don't see instant results I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and want to give up. So I decided that I needed a visual of all of the junk I am getting rid of to remind me that I am making progress even when it doesn't look like I am. So I took a picture of the stuff going to Goodwill on Sat.

Two kitchen trash bags, 2 grocery store bags, 1 medium box, 1 small box and then of course the bag with the Converse.

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

My 16 Week Challenge

After looking at the calendar the other day I realized that in about 15-16 weeks Mini-Me will be turning 18 and a few days later Graduating from High School. This means that my mom will be flying in for a visit. First the joy of getting to see my mom kicked in and then panic as my house is huge mess.

I have lived in Oregon for just shy of 14 years. My mom came to visit when I gave birth to Turtle ... who is now Eleven and a half. She then came a few months later for my wedding ... I did things backwards. ;) Both of those visits were before we had moved into our home. We have been in our house for 10 years this April and she has never seen it. With this being her first visit to my home I am sure as heck not going to let her see it in its current chaotic mess.

For the most part I keep my house clean. Minus Little Mans room ... his room constantly looks like a bomb went off in it. My goal is to get organized and keep it that way. At one point in my marriage my ex left the kids and I for 4 months. During that time my house was spotless ... of course I was a stay at home mom and I had more time. I managed to keep the house "magazine pretty" as I call it until we separated and I had to go get a job. I got lost in the divorce, losing my dad, working and trying to be a single mom all at once. My house went to pieces and I am constantly trying to play catch up.

No more excuses for me!! I know that there are plenty of single working moms that keep their places organized and clean. I have already started with my plan.

Friday since I did not go to work I cleaned out Turtles closet area and one of her drawers. Then I tackled the front hall closet and tossed out sweatshirts and jackets no one wears. Four bags later I was making a trip to Goodwill. I also made a trip to the dump yesterday and got rid of the garbage in the trailer.

Besides doing the normal laundry and after dinner kitchen clean up each day I am hoping to spend 15-30 minutes a night cleaning out an area of the house. Bags will be marked and ready to go to Goodwill and the trailer to go to the dump. Saturday mornings a quick run to Goodwill to get rid of stuff instead of shoving it out in the garage.

I am also trying to make some changes in my spending. I don't have a lot of money as it is and I feel as though I have really cut out anything we don't need but I am thinking that I could do just a little better. :)

Today I actually made a Menu for the entire week. I then made a grocery list of just the items we needed and I went to the store. I spent $88 on food for the week for a family of 5. I am thinking that is pretty good.

I am thinking that tomorrow evening once I have done my "chores" I will sit down and make a pretty spread sheet to show my accomplishments. I will probably blog about it also as there is something about putting it down in writing (typing in this case) that will make me want to be more motivated.

I am thinking Sundays will be my update day as that is when I do my grocery shopping and such. So off I go into my first week of my 16 week challenge. :)

I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.... I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby. ~Nancie J. Carmody

No fancy title tonight ...

The boys are much better today. Which is a huge relief to me as I was pretty worried the last few days. They are still coughing but no fevers since last night. :)

I stayed home today and with in 2 hours of waking up I started losing my vision and had yet another migraine. I blindly searched for my Dr.s number and made an appointment for tomorrow. Three migraines in 6 weeks for me is not a normal thing at all. This one was just lovely with a new symptom of facial numbness. My eyes also burned so bad it hurt to shut them. So trying to sleep was just as bad as being awake.

My mom tried to tell me the migraines are stress related, hormones, my age (being in my 30's) and heredity (mom, dad, brother, aunt, grandma). I told her that I have been under worse stress in my life. You know like losing my dad and going through a divorce in a 6 month time period. It is possible that this one could be hormone related as I am due for my period but I don't think so. As for the age thing ... what like half way through my 30's my body just says "Hey let's have more migraines cause she is a year older now" LOL.

What is bothering me besides this new frequency of them is the new symptoms that have come along with them. I have always had aura's (since my very first one at 16). The auras have always freaked me out but they are longer now. Sometimes I can see auras and lose my vision for close to an hour. The facial numbness today was weird. The last 2 migraines I have had what feels like a bulging in the right eye and my peripheral vision is gone. This is lasting around 24 hours. Today I also felt like I was just going to start convulsing. Like if you have ever seen anyone have a seizure and how their body jerks around ... I felt like that on the inside today. *sigh* I am also just exhausted. I slept for a good 3 hours today but I feel like I haven't slept in a day or two.

I am sure the crying I did today did not help my energy level. I cried cause the stupid Electric Company lady was rude to me. I cried cause I took offense to some work email a coworker sent me (I was checking it from home this morning). I cried cause I don't want to miss a 3rd day of work this week. I cried when I went to work today for 20 minutes to talk to the Principal to let him know what was going on.

That last part of my crying was the best though. It took everything to get out of my bed and go talk to him. I was upset about the coworker stuff and the missing work so much this week. I couldn't even sit down and talk to him with out crying. I must have looked funny sitting in his office with my sunglasses on, hair a mess and sobbing my eyes out. This man really intimidates me ... that was until today. As I was trying to tell him my issues he stopped me and asked me if I knew his story. I told him no ... He proceeded to tell me that he was a single dad up until 2 and half years ago when he married his now wife. His ex wife is a functioning alcoholic and he has raised his daughter since she was 2 (she is 13 now). He told me to stop worrying and take care of myself and my kids. He then told me "Shannon it's just a job". I told him it was very important to me ... that I have never had a job I enjoyed so much that. One that I look forward to coming to daily. He told me again "It's just a job". He shared a story about how he felt the same way until his daughter was 8 and ended up in the hospital from the flu. It was then he was like screw it ... it's just a job and my daughter is way more important. I thanked him so much for understanding and we talked for a few more minutes before I left.

I took a step today with my boss that I was not able to do at my last 2 jobs. I feel a little lighter and refreshed with in myself right now. I feel like I may have just grown a little more and I like it. :)

Hearing his story reminded me once again that I am not alone. I could start a whole new post on this last line ... should do that tomorrow.

Taking my headache to bed ... to bad headaches don't cuddle very well. ;)

The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as we continue to live. ~Mortimer Adler

Single Mom Math

3 kids with a major case of the Flu
+ 1 PMSing teenager
- 1 ex husband who can't help at all
= 1 Single Mom who wants to cry but has instead but on her "Soldier Mom" boots and keeps on trudging along.

Turtle was able to return to school yesterday with a bit of a cough still haunting her. Little Man and Little Bird are not doing so well. I went to work for an hour yesterday morning to explain to them what needed to be done for Exclusions (kids that dont have up to date immunizations are excluded from school) I came home and took care of my boys. At 4 o'clock Little Man hit 103.5 and worried me for 4 hours. He was halucinating that there were things on him and me. Crying and yelling in his sleep. Wouldn't even let me touch him to take his clothes off. Meanwhile Little Bird hit just over 102 and stayed there until the middle of the night when he hit 103. :( Poor Little Bird took some Motrin at 730 and drank some water then puked it right back up.

Sadly this mom had to go to work. The oh so wondferul Ex could not miss a day of College so Mini-me missed a day of High School to take care of her brothers for me. Came home on my lunch were Little Bird had me carry him to the bathroom to pee for the first time in 24 hours. He proceeds to puke again .... the little water he had in him. He refuses to drink or eat anything. Called the Dr. right then and made an appt. Went back to work ... feeling like I was failing at being a mom. Reminded myself while I was at work that I was still being a good mom. I was just multi-tasking.

Left work to rush home and get Little Bird and take him to the Dr. Little Mans fever returned but is managable. He cries cause he does not want to be left with Mini-me who is major PMSing. I hear my heart break just a little more for the day and I leave with Little Bird. Dr tells me that if Little Bird can't get some fluids into him tonight and start peeing that he needs to come back tomorrow for blood work. On the way home Little Bird coughs and then proceeds to puke all over the seats. Just one of the many reasons I love having leather seats in my car. I call Mini-me and ask her to meet me outside with a towel and the Clorox wipes so I can clean up the car.

Taking this moment to get this all out before I run to Wal-Mart to get Pedialyte and another really cheap movie as we have watched all of the ones we own. The Ex did take Turtle last night but only cause she did not have a fever anymore. Is it wrong that I hope she coughs on him and his girlfriend and makes them sick and they have to miss school and work? LOL Just trying to keep a sense of humor in all of this. :)

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

When the kids are sick and its the exs night

I am so ANGRY right now!! Twice in the last week I have either had to walk away from a fight with My Ex or I had to hang up the phone on him. GRRR

So I asked to have the kids back a day early(Wed instead of Thurs) last week so I could do something special with them. Of course My Ex agreed as he is always complaining he doesnt't have time to do his homework when he has the kids. During the evening while hanging out with my kids Turtle complained of not feeling very good. My mom heart told me that she would be staying home from school the next day. Sure enough she had a temp of 101 Thursday morning. I sadly had to go to work and leave my Turtle at home. I sent My Ex a text to let him know that she would be home Thursday and Friday from school. I have a strict rule in my house that you must be fever free 24 hours before returning to school. My Ex who is in school and gets done with classes by noon could not stop by either day and check on Turtle. He could only make a phone call to her once each day to make sure she was ok. I on the other hand came home on my lunch Thursday and called a billion times. Friday I could not come home as I give my car to Mini-me. I called Turtle every 2 hours and made her take her temp.

On Sat. Turtle did not have a fever and we all went to dinner. By Sunday morning her fever was back full force and she spent most of the day in bed. I should state that she also has a very lovely cough and now a gunkified nose issue. We skipped Church as I felt guilty leaving her home alone again. Around noon as I was getting ready to leave to do some shopping Little Man wanted to shower. When he got out he proceeded to put on footie jammies and wrap himself in a blanket. *sigh* I knew right then and there what was happening. Took his temp and he was at 102. :(
Mini-me watched Turtle and Little Man while Little Bird and I went and did our shopping.

I sent a text to My Ex after I took Little Mans temp. I let him know that now 2 of the kids were sick. I did not expect a response back as I knew that he and his girlfriend went away for the weekend but it still angers me that he could not take 5 minutes to call. Here it is Monday afternoon ... 24 hours later and I finally get a text from him. His text said he would be here at 5 to get them. I didn't respond and I didn't tell the kids to pack their bags. I knew what was coming next ... it is the same thing that happened a few weeks ago. He calls me to ask how the kids are doing. I tell him that Little Man has a fever and that both he and Turtle have coughs. He asks if they are going to school tomorrow and I tell him no. Again are you kidding me?? They are SICK!!! Before he could even ask I said I would just keep them. He does not want them when they are sick. Doesn't see any point in bringing the cold to his and his girlfriends house for them or her daughter to get when they can just stay home here tomorrow. GRRRR How about loving your kids and taking care of them???

He could tell I was upset and he tried to explain to me that it was the best thing to do. I told him that he was missing my point. That I have been with sick kids for 5 days as a SINGLE parent but he would never know anything about that as he won't take the kids when they are sick and he wouldn't have to do it alone cause he has a girlfriend by his side to take care of things. He told me he would get Little Bird tomorrow. I told him that I would let the kids know he won't be coming to get them. I could hear that he was letting girlfriend listen to me which annoys the heck out of me. I told him I would take care of the kids and hung up on him.

I must say I am not jealous of his girlfriend or the fact that he has a relationship. I am just pissed that he never has to be a Single parent. He never takes them if they are sick. He does not pay the Co-pays. Never has to get the Motrin or cough medicine. He does not worry about them all night or get up when they cough, cry or moan out of feverish pain.

With in minutes he texts me that he really does want to help. Oh yeah I felt that help over the last 5 days. He now wants to come get Little Bird and he wants to bring the other kids some food and entertainment. I did not respond so he called the kids phone. Turtle told him not to bring anything. She told him they would be fine.

Of course Little Bird is upset. He told Mini-me that he wasn't sick and why couldn't he go. :( I should probably let him go but I am thinking Ex just texted that to me to act nice and that Little Bird will have a fever by the morning. He is acting a bit cranky and it seems strange but that is what my Mom heart is telling me.

I know that I should not be this upset. I should be happy that I get more time with my kids even if they are sick. I honestly know that they will be better taken care of here with me even while I am gone at work tomorrow than they would be at their dads. I just keep telling myself that one day my kids will look back and see that I put them before everything while their dad put them last. And even if they don't see that at least it gets me through moments like these. ;)

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. ~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

My 4 Valentine Dates ...

I can't think of a better way to spend Valentines than with the 4 that hold my heart. I asked my kids last week if they would be my dates for Valentines. They all eagerly agreed. They even agreed to wearing matching shirts that I designed and made. Can I just say that my kids ROCK!! I would have laughed if my Mom had ever asked me to wear a shirt like hers. LOL Does this mean I have reached "Cool Mom" status?

I really wanted a picture of the 5 of us together but I could not find the courage to ask our very busy waiter or any of the couples sitting around us. The table next to us did get a good laugh as Mini-Me sat on my lap for our picture. I found it even funnier that Little Bird (who is 5) was the photographer.

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. ~Author Unknown

Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown



For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard

Saddness ...

I am in complete and total shock right now. I feel the urge to cry yet it seems stuck inside of me.

About an hour ago I received a phone call from an old coworker/ex boyfriend. He asked me if I heard about Andi. I had no idea what he was talking about. He informed me that had Andi died this week while giving birth to her 2nd child. I am not sure of all of the details but she died of a brain aneurysm.

Again I am in just total and complete shock. Andi was 24 yrs old and a wonderful mom and wife. I worked with her in 2006/07. She and her husband took a huge leap and moved to Alaska to start a new life. When we messaged on Myspace she always seemed so happy. I remember reading her headline about expecting #2 and I was beyond thrilled for her. She and I talked kids all the time when we worked together.

I don't know of any way to reach her husband as she and I only kept in contact on Myspace every few months. I messaged her #1 friend and asked if she would pass on information about Matt Logelin and the Liz Logelin Foundation. I am hoping the information will be passed on and be of some help.

God pours life into death and death into life without a drop being spilled. ~Author Unknown

Just a quote ....

A good friend is cheaper than therapy. ~Author Unknown

Thank you for being my friend.

How do I let go? .... Part 2

So I am sitting here going back and forth with myself about how to deal with the Mr. Bend. I had a great talk with my mom today about it. She told me to just not say anything to him at all and keep the trailer until he contacted me for it. I explained that I do not want him to have any reason to contact me. That I just wanted to move forward. She agreed that I was right. Then she tells me that really he left the trailer here and has not responded to my phone calls or text messages so I technically own it now. I love my mom. I really could argue that possession is 9/10ths of the law but I am not sure I want to go there right now.

I tried starting an email to him a few minutes ago but I can't seem to get out what I am feeling inside. I am not worried about him trying to work his way back into my life. I am not worried about me letting him back in. I am way to smart and strong to let him back into my life. ;) No matter how lonely I am feeling. Really my fear is about this stupid trailer and my garbage. If I give him the trailer back I will not have any way to take my garbage to the dump. I can't afford garbage service at all ... in fact I owe them money. :( Since I own my house I can't just leave the garbage on the side of the house until I find another solution or the City will fine me up to $2000 ... I've already gotten a warning in the last year for this. *sigh*

I am sitting here laughing at myself ... it is a trailer and I can't let it go. I am so fearful of what may happen if I let it go that I am letting that control me. What I should be doing is having some Faith that God will provide me with the means to take care of the garbage.

Grr .... somedays I feel like I have not grown at all in the letting go department and other days I feel like I am the Queen. And I am not just talking about the letting go of men ... I am talking about letting go of anything in my life.

Off to write an email ....

*update*

I wrote and sent the email 15 minutes ago. I was tempted to text him to check his email but decided not to. I assume he checks his email daily and he will read it sooner or later.

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~Author Unknown

I'm Avoiding ...

*Sigh* I have to admit I am avoiding things tonight. I know this is not a good way to deal with things but this is me. I avoid things when I am not ready to deal with them.

I do 4 different things that I can think of when I am avoiding ...
1) Clean
2) Sew
3) Drink a beer (or two and usually do #4 also)
4) Crawl into my bed with my laptop and pout

I really wanted and should of cleaned the house but it felt overwhelming to me tonight. Which would have led to me doing 3 & 4 and I am avoiding those things also. So I chose to do some sewing. Which really is a healing thing for me to do. I really can't begin to explain how sewing makes me feel.

As I was sitting in Church yesterday I was having a hard time concentrating. I mean like I feel a bit guilty that I could not pay attention at all. I admit that I was sketching out a quilt idea on the bulletin they gave me. My mind was every where but at Church ... I also designed an entire outfit for Turtle (she is 11) while I sat there. This is also where I had the epiphany about my "relationships" with Mr. Bend and The Jeans. Maybe God was trying to tell me something in his own way?? Maybe I just had a moment of ADD ... Hmm who really knows. ;)

Anyways I am avoiding and I am ok with that right now. I know that I can only avoid for so long and then I must deal with the situation and I will deal with it.

I will also post later this week what I have been sewing the last two days ... Just another idea I came up with while I was in Church.

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. ~Bertrand Russell

How do I let go? .... Part 1

I've been telling myself that I am letting go of certain people in my life. I thought for sure that this was exactly what I was doing but after much thinking over the past few weeks I realized I am holding on to these people as long as I can and for the wrong reasons. I had myself fooled ...

I can not seem to let go of The Jeans and Mr. Bend. I am holding on to little things in hopes that they will some how change their minds about a "relationship" with me. Oh I hate when I am writing and it does not flow like I want it to. :(

Basically I am so scared of being totally and completely alone I am holding on to these men. I know that both of them are not healthy for me yet I hold on.

Mr. Bend has clothing at my house, a trailer, his kids Christmas presents and a cell phone that belongs to him (I used it to talk/text him to save us minutes). We started dating in Sept. and things were going great. The week before Christmas he started acting weird. I wasn't spending enough time with him he said. I was being selfish and putting everyone and everything else in front of him. He came over the day before Christmas Eve while he was in town shopping. He texted me after he left that he was upset that I didn't jump up and hug and kiss him. *sigh* I was in the middle of cutting fabric on the floor. I made 13 pairs of jammie pants in 3 days. I was annoyed that he could be mad at me for that. Christmas morning at the exact same time he was to be at my house with his kids he texted and said he was not coming over. WTF??
I was hurt and angry. He gave me an excuse about his son not being ok and crying. Later I got some other excuse. We fought via text for a day because he refused to answer my calls. Yes yes I know I should have just said screw it then. When he was to bring his kids home over the weekend he promised he would come see me. That didn't happen ... he went to Bend. As far as I know of he has been there since. He wouldn't answer my phone calls and very few of my texts. I would get the occasional "I miss you" texts but that was about it. He deleted me on his Myspace after I asked why he changed his status to Swinger. He told me I was stalking him. Umm ok I just wanted to know where in the heck we stood relationship wise. *sigh*

Two weeks ago he texted me on a Friday morning on the cell phone he had left with me. I didn't see the text until I left work that day. He told me he missed me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner Sun. or Mon. Oh you bet I did. I needed answers about what the heck was going on. He texted all weekend like everything was fine between us. I didn't rock the boat with questions about where had he been. I wanted answers in person. He stopped by Sun evening with his son. I felt very weird around him ... I wasn't sure if I was with a friend or a boyfriend. I didn't dare try to talk to him in front of my kids or his son. Of course shortly after he left I got a sad face text message. I asked what it was about and he said nothing and told me to pick a place out to eat at for dinner the next night.

Monday I texted him and double checked that we were still on. Hours later he said yes as long as I wanted to. As I was leaving work (an hour before we were supposed to meet) he texted and pleaded with me not to be mad at him but would it be possible to make up the dinner on Wed. His mom needed him at her house. *sigh* I knew better than to get my hopes up. The last message I got from him was 45 minutes later ... It was him saying that he had just gotten into a fight with his mom and he would let me know in a few minutes if we were going out that night or not.

I still have not heard from him ... I keep telling myself to write him an email and ask him to come get his stuff but I can't. :( This is going to sound so weird but I don't want him to take his trailer. LOL I can't afford garbage services and I use the trailer to put my trash into and then take it to the dump. This was his idea back in Oct. It is actually cheaper and my neighbors can't complain about trash piling up. There is also some small part of me that wants him back in my life the way it was before Christmas.

I am so seriously afraid of being totally alone that I am holding onto a man for his trailer? Man do I have issues. LOL

The thought crossed my mind this morning (while in Church) to ask him if I could buy the trailer from him with my tax refund but I am not sure he will go for it. If he takes the trailer I have no way to take care of my garbage.

I wish life was not so complicated all the time.

I think it is some time for some sewing and making dinner ... I will write Part 2 about The Jeans later.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

Thankful for Mom

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I am thinking that if my Mom ever finds out about this blog she may fly up here and spank my adult butt for posting this picture of her. Oh I feel like that rebellious teenager all over again. Hee hee

Tonight is my "Thankful for Mom" blog. It's not Thanksgiving, Mother's Day or heck even Grandparents day but I wanted to acknowledge how Thankful I am for my mom. Maybe I will share this with her someday minus the blog part and picture. ;)

My mom lives like a gazillion miles away. Ok so it is not that far ... She is in Texas and I am in Oregon. It just feels like it is that far because we very rarely see each other. I've never been to Texas and she has never seen my home here (I've been in my house 10 years). It feels even farther away when I feel so alone here. Since my dad died I don't talk much to my Step-mom or sisters (that's another post).

Mom and I have our ups and downs. It has taken 18 years (since I had my daughter) for my mom and I to grow into the relationship we have. My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old. My brother and I would live one week at Moms and then one at Dads. I did this until I was 14 and that is when I told my mom I hated her and moved into dads. :( I was a spoiled brat and mean to my mom.

I have come to realize over the last few years just how hard it was for my mom (and dad) to be a single parent. My mom did a great job at not talking trash about my dad (which at times I am sure he deserved lol). She was and is a Soldier mom ... this is what she describes as the mom that keeps on going and does not give in to her kids or give up because life is pooping on you. I love when I call her to vent about one of my kids doing something that is driving me bonkers and she says "Be a Soldier Mom" or I hear a giggle and then I know she is going to say "Well Shannon, you know that sounds a lot like you when you were that age." I always deny that I was anything like my kids. ;)

Man oh man ... 10 years of soccer practices/games, homework that she would fight with me to do, slumber parties, countless nights staying up late or all night to take care of me cause I was sick (and I was sick a lot), letting me go live at my dads even though it must have killed her, dealing with a pregnant teenage daughter (while she was pregnant also ... I will explain) .... my list could go on and on. I may not have ever admitted it then but my mom was great. She was my Superhero.

I've been talking to my mom a lot this last week. I am dealing with a lot more than I have even begun to share here. After one of our conversations she said to me "Shannon you are my Superhero." Ok I cried when she said and I am crying now. That one comment from my mom meant so much to me. Sometimes as daughters I think that we feel like we can never live up to what our moms want us to be. At least that is how I have felt and I know that Mini-me has felt that way cause we have talked about it. By her telling me that I realized that I am doing just fine. Even when I feel like I am failing daily she is proud of me.

I was 15 before I stopped wanting my parents to get back together. Looking back now I am glad my mom was a single one and that she raised me the way she did. I am glad that she let me leave to live with my dad (again I know it killed her). She taught me so much more than I think she will ever know about being a single parent, dating, and just life in general. I am not sure I would be surviving single mom life if it was not for the great example my mom showed me.

I am so very Thankful for my mom :) I can only hope someday my kids can look back and see me the way I see my mom ... A Superhero!!

A quickie

Question of the day:
Why can't I post to my own comment area??
This is driving me bonkers ... I wanted to post a comment in my own comment box and it won't let me. :( Do I need to be logged out?
Anyone?

Taxes are done!!! Praying that they sail through with out issues and I have my money by the end of the month.

My head is full of snot and I can't breath through my nose. Not sure you all needed to know that but I like to share things like this with others. This is not related to the migraine yesterday ... I've been fighting this cold since Sunday.

Work was better today minus my lame comment see below. ;)

Actually today was way better in general ... I did lots of laughing.

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book" ~Irish Proverb

With that said I am going to bed

Break Time at Work :)

When the School District Super comes for a visit and asks if you need anything it probably is not a good idea to say "Yeah I could use more money." It is possible that after you leave the room you will realize that it sounded like you were asking for a raise when in reality you were asking for more money for the school.

Yep I said that today ... I am hoping that she understood how I meant that. It is eating at me something fierce right now.

Frustrated ... and I wish it was just sexually

I was not going to write tonight. My day was long and sucky ... I just wanted to curl up in bed with Little Man and read. My brain is not letting me do that. :( It is all over the place and I am hoping by putting it all here I can not feel so restless. I imagine this will be a long one and I apologize ahead of time.

I guess the best place to start is with my day today. I have to say again just how much I love my job but days like today make me so exhausted. I got to work a few minutes late this morning. Partially because I was a slacker and was on the computer here at home lol and because I was not really wanting to go to work. Little Man has strep throat (took him to the Dr. last night). I hated the thought of him being alone all day. I am less than 5 minutes driving and he has a cell phone and knows the rules but he is only 9 :(. I couldn't take today off for way to many reasons to get into tonight.

The first hour or work seemed to fly by. About 9:15 I remember a student talking to me. I was looking at him but kept seeing spots. Like the little spots you see when you look at the sun. I honestly can't tell you what the student and I talked about because in the back of my head I started to panic. I tried to tell myself I must have just glanced outside and the bright light was causing the spots. I looked at my computer monitor, I tried covering one eye, I tried to read the poster across the room and they all had the spots. It was then that I realized I was getting a migraine. Not now! Not Today! The panic started creeping in ... I lose my vision with every migraine I get. I never know how long I will lose it for. It seems to get longer with each one I have. :( I was also thinking why am I having another one ... I just had one 3 weeks ago to the day ... and even the same time. It is rare for me to have more than 1 a year. What are the chances I would get 2 in a 3 week time period. *sigh* I told Ms. LG and Ms. TB what was going on ... they knew that I would refuse to go home (just like 3 weeks ago). They offered the couch in the break room and I refused. Yes I am insane lol. I chose to sit at my desk and wait out the vision thing and just deal with the pain that would come. Forty five minutes of not being able to see normally. I am pretty sure I prayed a few times that I would get my vision back before I had to drive home for lunch to check on Little Man.

I can work through the pain of most anything. I have worked an entire shift with a raging kidney infection before I took myself to the ER. Once my vision was back and I returned from lunch at home with Little Man my day did not give me time to think about the pain I was having. It was pure chaos in my office from 11:40 to 1:30. I had at least 20 kids that had some sort of health issue. Kids that needed meds, band-aids, ice packs, fevers, parents that couldn't be reached ... the list goes on. Add in a detention room that joins to my office that had a Sub working it today and he let the kids go crazy. I had to go in 4 times and tell them to sit and be quiet. I finally got the Principal and told him I was done with them.

The hardest part of my day ... yes even worse to me than my own migraine ... was the selfishness of a "parent". I should state now that the school I work at is pretty much made up of all low income (poverty) families. I realized this when I took the job and I can usually deal with the parents that don't care about there own kids but today I was well I had a migraine and I was just not happy. I adore all of the kids that I come in contact with. I hope that each of them can look back someday and see just how much I cared and that will help them make the right choices.

Anyways ... I had a student (let's call her Hippie Girl) come into my office shortly after 1st period started. She comes into my office a lot. She told me that she didn't feel good. I take her temp and she is normal. She knows the routine ... I send her back to class and she is fine with this. She always comes in on her lunch and visits me if I stay there for lunch. I saw her in my office as I was leaving and she seemed to be ok. Shortly after lunch she comes in and tells me that she doesn't feel good. I take one look at her and tell her to call home. She is a very lovely shade of green and I am not even concerned about her temp. She calls her moms boyfriend and he tells her to tough it out and go back to class. GRRR

In the middle of her phone call I have another student run in screaming at me that she can't breathe. Yes really she is yelling at me lol. Funny to me now that I am thinking about it. I of course have to take it seriously as she has been in my office twice already. I take this girl back to the health room to lay down and Hippie Girl follows. I take Hippie chicks temp and sure enough she is just shy of 101. I call screaming girls mom first where they proceed to get into a fight on the phone about going home. She does not want to go home and insists on staying then hangs up on mom. I then call Hippie Girls moms boyfriend and tell him that she has to go home that she has a fever. He tells me to let her walk home. I sign her out and let her go.

Screaming girl goes back to class only to return later and insist that she now needs to go home. GRR Just like I wanted her to all day. Shortly after my office returns to somewhat normal Hippie Girl shows up at my desk. Now I know I have a migraine and it has been a very hectic day but I have to admit I was very confused. So she tells me that she walked home and all of the doors are locked and she wants to call the boyfriend again. Of course I let her. He tells her that he won't be home for a few hours because he is playing Frisbee Golf. Are you E'fing kidding me??
It gets better ... Mom does not have a cell phone, her work number in our computer is at least 2 years old, Hippie Girl has no idea where mom works, and there are no other emergency numbers on file for her. GRRRRR!!!

We can't let her leave campus again and just wander. She can't be in my health room alone and I can't go back there for the rest of the day. The school counselor and I found her a soft chair and a blanket to sit in. She sat in that chair for 2 hours. :( When school let out I was worried about her going home and not being able to get it again. She asked to use the phone to see if anyone was going to be there. Moms boyfriend is not home and refuses to go home. :( My heart is breaking at this point ... I have to go tell the school counselor to see if we need to call CPS. She tells me to talk to the Principal. He informs me that legally nothing can be done and that if I will be in my office she can stay until 4. Her mom supposedly gets home at 430. I let her stay until I left at 415. She had a temp close to 102 at this point. :(

I just don't get how someone can have kids and just not care about them. :( I know that it is not easy being a single parent. I know that not having money is hard (I am not much better off financially than some of those families) but my God love your kid(s) no matter what and take care of them. Get off your freakin drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships or whatever and take care of your kid!!!!

Today my heart is so heavy and sad for so many of my students. :( If I could I would build a home for them all and take them in and take care of them.

In the midst of my very chaotic day I had a girl get her very first period. I so remember my first one and where I was and how I felt. I just became part of a girls memory for life. She will share that story with her kids and possibly their friends. I hope that she remembers today as one with good memories. :)

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Ahh man just letting all of that out I feel half way better. I want so badly to go to bed but I know I will end up with insomnia again if I do not let more out.

I am not even sure how or where to begin the next part. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I even think about writing this.

I miss my Dad ... the feeling the last few weeks has been so overwhelming and I keep trying to shove it aside. After 2 years of him being gone I feel as though it should not bother me this much but it does.

Shit this is so stupid. I have not written anything in a long while about my dad. I stopped posting it on my Mypace blog because I did not want my sisters to see it and upset them.

I am not trying to make anyone sad that might read any of this :( My dad died just a little over 2 years ago. Story below ...

- A Pleasant Hill man died in a car crash late Tuesday afternoon in a truck his daughter was driving.

Police say the 17 year old apparently lost control of the vehicle near milepost 11 on Highway 58 west of Lowell.

Oregon State Police say the teen had a valid learner's permit but not a driver's license.

"When we have an opportunity we will talk to her and get a better idea of what was going on. Her inexperience driving could be a factor," says Sgt. Alan Gilbert.

Witnesses told police the truck lost control and flipped off the roadway smashing into a tree.

54 year old Daniel K*******, Sr. was pronounced dead at the scene. His daughter was transported to Sacred Heart Hospital with minor injuries.

It was my little sister driving. She turned 17 the day before. It was 11 days after my birthday and right in middle of my divorce. :(

I am not sure I ever really dealt with his death. Well at least the right way ... ok not in a healthy way cause I am not sure there really is a right way to deal with death. I had dreams about him a lot up until a few months ago. The dreams always freak me out and leave me feeling funky for a few days but not having the dreams anymore makes me feel sad.

I know part of my missing him so much right now is because he is not here to help me fix my problems. He was always there ... he fixed it all for me. Right now I don't need a man in my life I need my dad. :(

Ugh :( Ok now that I got a good cry out and used a half a box of kleenex I can move on ....

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Last thing for the night ....

I am a person that has very vivid dreams while they are sleeping (in between my insomnia). Lately my dreams have been very bizarre. So last nights dream should not be any more bizarre to me but when I woke this morning I had hope and felt refreshed.

Without to much writing here my financial situation is not the best right now. I am very frustrated and scared at what the future holds for me. As I posted before I plan on going back to school. With all of my financial worries I am nervous about trying to go back to school when part of me feels like I should be getting a 2nd job to make ends meet.

I feel so weird sharing this dream ...

In my dream Matt from Matt, Liz and Madeline came to visit me. He came to meet me and help me set up a scholarship program for Single Moms that wanted to return to College but were worried about losing there homes. This was a program for Single Moms that owned their homes and worked full time but still couldn't make ends meet. In my dream I was surprised by his coming to help me and at first I couldn't figure out how I was going to help other women with scholarships when I felt like I had no money to give them. Not that my dream wasn't weird enough with him showing up to help me I had somehow come into money. Like a lot of money but I don't really know how I got it but there was enough for me to share it with others and help them make it like I had. In this crazy dream I never saw myself in College but I felt as though I finished it and was doing better in life.

The only other thing I remember was that Matt was with me and helping me because he had started a foundation and I felt that he was safe.

Ok that is my totally random dream and this morning I felt hopeful about my future. Even after my crazy ass day with a migraine and my crying above about my dad I feel hopeful.


Now I am taking my headache-y, exhausted, and hopeful self to bed.

Huh I just noticed that I started all of this Frustrated (my title which I started with) and am leaving it feeling Hopeful. :) This is a good thing ...

Am I unavailable?

"The reason we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable."

I had a big long post all written out and I changed my mind and deleted it all. I really just want that quote up there. I've been mulling it over for a few weeks after I sent it to a friend.

So I wonder if I am unavailable? Where and how else do I need to grow to be available? Am I available now and I am just hiding to protect myself? And why in the heck do I seem to get involved with so many men that are unavailable?

Oh so many questions ....